A/N Everything you recognize belongs to Janet Evanovich. Thank you to Kathy's amazing beta skills, Heather for all her sound advice and encouragement and Lisa who did a little of both! A huge Thank You to the readers, you guys make all the hard work worth it!

~Chapter 19

Back in Trenton.

***Oct 10

RPOV

It's been two months since my realization that Stephanie was my girlfriend and I'm no closer to finding her than I was before. She hasn't popped up on any search programs and we have the best programs running.

The last couple of months have been bad. I have been working with Doc and am happy to say I have made it through without killing anyone. No small feat. Apparently I have trust issues among other things. I know they stem from my father and that's one of the things I'm working on with Doc. I haven't been cleared to do missions for Uncle Sam but I'm slowly realizing that I should hang up my boots. There's no satisfaction in anything anymore. Rangeman is my only distraction. The office is running on pure hatred. We are all so disgusted with ourselves that we have dedicated all of our time to running Rangeman and looking for Steph. Her last two trackers went offline at the beginning of Sept. The rat and the cookie jar are no longer transmitting. That was not a happy day for me and the binge drinking that happened as a result was pretty severe. I now have a building full of babysitters and a psychologist breathing down my neck because of it.

I'm glad to finally be rid of Jeanne Ellen. She was exactly what she tried to get me to believe Steph was. A manipulative gold digger. How I could believe that about her is where I'm at now. Doc tried to get me to abandon my search for Stephanie but I can't. I need to find her. She deserves an apology and support. I know she won't let me help her but maybe she'll accept support anonymously. Something Ella said to me keeps me awake most nights. She said that the abortion would probably break her spirit. Just thinking about that makes me want to hit something. I haven't been able to talk to Doc about the abortion. I can't deal with the fact that I pushed her for it. Doc says it was ultimately her choice but I know the truth. I didn't give her a choice. Some days, I get so close to the edge I'm staring at death. The only thing that pulls me from the edge is trying to find her and make sure she has the support she needs. I focus on helping her heal from the trauma I caused. If I give up then she'll have nothing, so I press on. I continue to look for her but something has to give.

I have a meeting scheduled with the alphabet agencies next week regarding the Diaz case. I'm still not cleared for field work but that should change soon. They weren't happy that Steph disappeared and even offered to help look for her. More eyes looking out for her couldn't hurt right?

I'm sitting at my desk on five when the lobby desk calls me. I glance at my watch. It's 1830.

"Report" I bark at Zip.

"Your mother is here to see you," he says and I reply with a curt "I'll be right down."

I take the stairs knowing we'll be riding the elevator up to Seven. She usually calls and I'm not sure why she's dropping in like this. No one in my family knows about my fuck up except Lester. He feels just as bad so he isn't going to rat me out. I guess I'll find out soon enough. I push the lobby door open and hear my mother telling Zip that she could have easily ridden the elevator by herself and that she didn't want to bother anyone.

"Mama, let's go up to my apartment." I say as I take her elbow. She is about to launch into doting mother mode and I have to suppress an eye roll. "We will have the privacy we need there." I say so she doesn't blurt out something I would rather not have the whole building hear. She takes the hint and waits until the door closes before starting in on me.

"Oh Carlito, it's been months since I've seen you. How are you? You look tired, are you sleeping?" .

"Mama, I'm fine. What are you doing here? Is everyone okay?"

"Oh, everyone's fine. Do I need a reason to come see you?"

"No but it's a weeknight and you usually call before stopping in."

"Okay fine. I'm worried about you. The last time we talked, you were upset about Stephanie and how awfully she treated you. I was hoping you've moved on and put all that mess behind you," she says. "I stopped by because you haven't been answering my calls. You seemed to be avoiding me and I had to make sure you were really alright, hijo," she says and I can't look at her. I can't bear to see the disappointment she will surely feel.

"Carlito, what is it?" she says compassionately. "You can tell me. I'll understand." My head snaps up and I meet her gaze.

"That's just it Mama. I don't want you to understand. I deserve to be hated. I deserve the hell that I'm living in." I tell her then look away again. She comes closer and reaches up to touch my face with her hand.

"Oh Carlito. I can never hate you mi hijo. Tell me what you've done, it can't be that bad."

I close my eyes and spill my guts. All of it. I tell my mother about the bullshit lies I told Stephanie. The lies I believed myself. The shot recall. The ultimatum. Her breakdown in my apartment. The abortion. The realization that the baby was mine. That we did have a relationship and that I love her with all my heart. I tell her about the search for her. I tell her all of it. She's stunned. She cries for me, Stephanie and the baby. She hugs me and tells me she loves me and that I would never have done this unless I had proof. She said that all the evidence pointed to her betraying me and that anyone would have come to that conclusion. I point out to her that her sister didn't agree. I told her that Ella always believed that Steph couldn't possibly do that to me.

"Mama, I should have known her. I should have known better."

"But the evidence at the time said that she didn't have the shot.".

"Ella never believed the evidence. That's where I am, Mama. I can't forgive myself for not believing what I know of her over the circumstantial evidence."

"It wasn't circumstantial, mi hijo. It was real evidence. You are an evidence based person. You aren't like your aunt. She can easily dismiss hard evidence over her heart. In your life, you don't have that luxury. If you were to do that, you would have surely died a long time ago."

I think about what she's saying. Part of me doesn't want to agree with her. That part of me wants to stay in my own version of hell so I get what I deserve. The other part of me wants to grab onto the lifeline she's offering. That part of me wants to believe that one day Stephanie will be able to forgive me for what I've done. I'm torn but I want to put my Mother at ease. I know for a fact that she won't leave me until she's convinced that I'll be okay.

"Thanks Mama. I needed to hear that. I have been working with a therapist and it's been helping. I'm still looking for her and when I find her, I'll help her in any way I can. I hope one day she'll be able to forgive me." I tell her and she nods her head.

"That's all you can do, mi hijo, that's all you can do," she tells me as she gives me another hug.

"I've come to terms with Papa as well." I tell her, changing the subject. We have argued over the years about Ricardo Carlos Sr. She's been desperately trying to get us to resolve our conflict. Neither of us have yet to appease her.

"Have you forgiven him?" she asks with only a little hope showing through her voice.

I take a deep breath and let it out before I speak.

"I'm at a place where I have forgiven him. I don't agree with his decision and I would never make the same choices he made but I no longer have any hatred for him. He made his decisions and I have to accept that he did what he thought was right." I say diplomatically. Despite his rejection of me and his inability to make an effort to fix things, I actually have forgiven him. If for no other reason than to heal and help me form attachments to my loved ones. I have accepted that he is who he is and that I can't make him something he's not. He will always be a proud, hard man that has high expectations and that I will never be able to make him proud of me. I need to focus on making sure I'm living according to my moral code and not anyone else's. Kind of ironic that I've decided this in the middle of a moral code crisis but here we are.

"Well, I'm thankful that you are at peace. He's such a proud man and that's no excuse but I'm still hopeful that one day, he'll realize how much he's hurt you and what's most important."

***Oct 12

I sit at my desk in my apartment staring at the swirling amber liquid. I have stopped drinking but today, I'm making an exception. I poured half of the bottle down the sink before I poured my first glass. I don't want to get the core team on my ass for this. I just got fully reinstated yesterday and I don't want to jeopardize getting placed on injured reserve again. But today is special. It's Steph's birthday. By my calculations, she would have been around 28 weeks. The urge to punch something is strong. I have already pounded on the heavy bag and sparred with everyone in the gym and put in a grueling ten mile run. Physically, I'm exhausted, mentally I'm out of control. If only I could shut down my mind. I hope a half bottle of tequila does the trick.

I decided to bail Valerie out of her and Albert's predicament. I paid off their outstanding balance with the loan shark and made sure that he stayed away from them. I also caught them up on their house payment so they wouldn't be faced with foreclosure. I made sure they knew that I did it for Steph. I also set Valerie straight on the rumors. I made sure she knew that Steph's birth control failed and that the error is what made everyone think the worst and that she really wasn't at fault. I also let her know that Morelli was lying and that she was only in a relationship with me at the time. And that I'm still actively looking for her to apologize. Val seemed to think that she needs to apologize to Steph as well. Not surprising. I learned a while ago that her whole family shunned her after the abortion. The Burg and its toxic grapevine. I ponder the difference between how my mother responded to me and how Steph's mom responded to her. Night and day. We all let her down. No wonder she left. How could anyone expect her to stick around when we all failed her miserably. Morelli is still battling getting reinstated. He had issues with alcohol as well. I heard he's sober now and jumping through hoops to get his badge back. I really don't give a fuck about Morelli. He's also getting what he deserves. He's no longer the golden boy and I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually moves out of this toxic town. I would leave too if I wasn't holding out hope that Stephanie may come back someday. Even if it's just to tell us all to fuck off.

***Oct 18

In Cape May

SPOV

I can't believe it. I'm sitting in my doula's office and she just gave me the results of my glucose stress test. I have gestational diabetes. I'm a little confused as to what this means and I wait with my head in my hands for her to come back with the information she promised me.

She returns and I prepare myself for the worst case scenario.

"So. I need you to see a nutritionist. Here's her card," she says handing me a card. "She'll get you started on a new diet and exercise program. You must keep the exercises light since you're so far along. Oh and absolutely, NO MORE REFINED SUGAR." she gives me a pointed look. I let out a breath. This really sucks. I haven't been able to eat grease the whole pregnancy and I've been eating really healthy except my late night sugar binges. This is so unfair. I can't believe I'm going to have to give up candy and ice cream. Crap.

I leave the office with a crap attitude. How am I supposed to get through this without sugar? What is going to happen with my hormones? I AM SO SCREWED. I laugh at the irony of that statement. Since that's not possible, I'm going to have to figure out a way to deal with my jelly donut hormones. At least I got to have a whole cake on my birthday. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have eaten the whole thing. Maybe I need to reign this in a bit. Shit. This is going to suck.

***Oct 21

Edna POV

"Hello Clair, I have so much to tell you." I say as soon as my baby granddaughter picks up the phone. I have all the details of when I'm coming to AC and I want to tell her about Val and Albert.

"Hello Grandma. I have things to tell you too. My news is crappy so let's hear yours first," she says and I start to worry.

"No, let's hear the crappy first and finish with happier stuff." I say and she agrees. I'm disappointed to learn of her gestational diabetes. I tell her that we don't have anyone on the Mazur side of the family with it, but maybe the Plums. I offer to ask but she said no and that she didn't want to raise suspicion. I tell her that she can do anything and it'll be worth it in the end. I ask how Lex is doing and she perks up. I'm so thankful that Lex is there. He's been an answer to a prayer. I could hear the sadness in her voice with each passing week. I worried about her. I was ready to jump in Big Blue a couple of times, license be damned. The only thing that held me back is if I were to alert anyone where she is or that she didn't have the abortion then I would never forgive myself. I was so relieved when she bonded with the dog. He has helped her so much. I can't wait to see her in December. I tell her my itinerary and we make plans to meet up. She laughs when I tell her that I'm going to tell my friends I met a 'hottie' and am shacking up with him. Hey, it's a great plan. I plan on spending every moment with my granddaughter.

"Guess what? You'll never believe it. Albert borrowed money from a loan shark and hasn't been able to pay it off. They almost lost their house. He finally got it paid just in time. They were close to foreclosure. I guess they got caught up just in time to save their house. They wouldn't say who helped them but it'll come out." It always does. I say that last part in my head. I know the last time I said that, I regretted it. "You're safe. No one has any clue where you are. I keep telling everyone how disappointed I am. They think I am talking about you but I'm really disappointed in everyone else. I know how important it is for me to pretend but I gotta tell you it sucks. I want to get BESSIE out of my purse and bust a cap in their ass whenever anyone says anything bad about you."

"Oh Grandma, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. We know the truth and that's all that matters. I would take only you over millions of fake friends and family," she says to me and that makes me happy and sad. Shame on them that turned their back on her. Even if she would have been capable of the deception they accused her of, she's still family and deserves to be loved unconditionally.

We talk a little about Halloween and Steph told me she got a nun costume to hand out candy. She said it would look good with her pregnant belly and fake wedding band she wears now. I laughed at the picture a very pregnant and married nun would make. I told her that we were dressing up as slutty zombies as a building and Steph snorted. "I don't remember anyone dressing up to hand out candy before, you must be having a positive impact on the old neighborhood," she says. I smile.

"It's really fun living here." I tell her.

I ask her if she wants to hear the latest gossip about Joe or Ranger and she declines. I tell her that Ranger's still looking for her and leave it at that.

We say our goodbyes and confirm next Friday's chat. I hang up, glad that she sounds good despite the new stress she has in her life. How in the hell is SHE going to make it without sugar? Jelly donut hormones plus pregnancy hormones? Yikes! I haven't had sugar since my husband died, I wish I had known sooner what going off sugar does to me. Oh well, I'm making up for lost time.

***Nov 14

In Trenton

RPOV

I'm looking over the file for the Diaz case. It has been stalled for a while now. We know there's something big going on but with no new evidence, we have nowhere to go. I close the file. I'm meeting with the DEA about a new case after lunch. I asked Lester and Woody to sit in with me. I couldn't take on field cases until I got reinstated. Even before, though, I avoided the DEA like the plague. I hate drug cases. They all lead to shit hole countries that I have no desire to ever see again. I don't know why I agreed to this meeting. Probably to get my mind occupied. Probably to repair my karma that took a bigger hit when it became obvious that I'm a bigger asshole than I originally thought.

I arrive in conference room 1 on the main floor. Everyone is already seated. The meeting starts with the overworked feds in wrinkled suits handing out a file on one Armando Martinez, a drug lord from Colombia. Shit, I hate Colombia. I hate the whole fucking country. And I know one thing for sure. I am not going to Colombia. I have to at least listen to the case before I tell them to shove Colombia up their asses. I sit there and wait. I'm barely listening to the drone of their voices. I flip through the file looking at the images. The senior member from the DEA sounds like the teacher on the Charlie Brown TV specials I watched as a kid when I freeze. I focus on a crime scene photo. It's in a very elegant room. Ornate finishes, expensive rugs and furniture. Dead bodies all in a row. Three dead, execution style with their throats slit. The bleeding from their necks tell me this was done postmortem. A calling card. An example. That is not what made me freeze. They were on their knees before they were executed in front of a fireplace. On the mantle of the fireplace were several photographs. There were close-ups of the photographs. That is not what made me freeze. The object right next to the photographs sitting there as a focal point on display was a fucking sculpture. I have seen this before. Only smaller. It was made of metal and does a hell of a lot of damage when someone lands on it. Fucking hell. I am not getting out of this fucking case. I close the file with a slam of my palm making everyone in the room stop and stare at me.

"We need a task force. We need to include Homeland, NSA and the Trenton PD. Rangeman can be included but we are not and I repeat not taking the lead. I am not going to Colombia." I get up and take in the surprised looks. "If you turn to page 16, there is a photo of a crime scene. On the mantle, there is a sculpture of a Mexican soldier. It's hand crafted and made by the same person that made the one that Stephanie Plum landed on when she was after Lucas Antonio Diaz back in January. He was FTA. There was a bomb recovered from the crime scene. The surgeon that removed the sculpture gave it to Stephanie and she gave it to TPD Detective Joseph Morelli. I do not know if he still has it. That connects the two cases. Homeland and NSA has been investigating since a new type of bomb was used to detonate the car Ms. Plum was driving. Mr. Diaz was killed before he could make it to prison and Stephanie Plum left the area back in May. I don't believe she has had any contact with anyone since she left. I believe she left of her own free will for personal reasons. If you have any questions, Lester here can coordinate. If you will excuse me gentlemen, I am done." I finish and leave the room. The stunned silence was short lived and shouts for me to return follow me to the elevator. I step on and fob my way up to Seven. I can't believe this. How Stephanie Plum gets herself right in the middle of disasters is epic. How she can do it now when she isn't even here is legendary.

***Nov 28

The case takes off and all the alphabets are battling for control. Les stays on so we could stay in the loop. He briefs me after each meeting. I was pissed when he told me that Morelli got himself on the case. He used this to get himself back in the good graces of the TPD and the Burg. Shouting it from the rooftops was a serious mistake. It puts a target on his back and the people involved wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet through his head and give him the necktie they're famous for without a second thought. Idiot. When he made a big production that he was going to search for Steph then I had to pay him another visit. Let's just say he wasn't happy to see me. He spouted off about his protection with the TPD and his inclusion with the task force. I pointed out that he only has experience with local and low level drug assholes. He's getting the attention of the heads of the drug cartels and they don't care about the brotherhood of police. No one is untouchable for them. Plus, they won't just kill Morelli, they'll take out his whole family. He's such a fucking pansy, he's an insignificant annoyance playing with the big boys. Hell, the suits don't even know what it takes to take out these assholes. What risks are involved, what extremes you have to go to, what you have to live with. The cost to your soul is high. He also put a target on Stephanie. Now it's even more important that I find her. My only solace is that if she disappeared from me so completely then maybe she's invisible to them as well. I fucking hope so.