Road to Redemption
Anakin had never had a father. Obi-Wan tried his best, but he was too young and inexperienced to handle all the wild mood swings and emotional trauma Anakin suffered as a youth. Qui-Gon had died before he could ever develop any sort of bond with Anakin. Other Jedi masters tolerated his presence but otherwise kept their distance from the so-called Chosen One. But Mace Windu was different. He never hesitated to confront Anakin and tell him just what he thought about him. He had frightened Anakin more than any other Jedi on the council because he knew Mace would be all too happy to see him kicked out of the order.
Anakin supposed that was why the tough old master was assigned to him now. They wanted Windu to put Anakin in his place. Everyone had made it very clear that although he may be considered the chosen one by some, he was still an outcast who was only training as a Jedi because of Obi-Wan's promise to Qui-Gon.
He had tried to fit in, tried to do everything asked of him, and excelled in most of his studies. No other padawan in his age group could best him in combat training. He was the head of his cohort in every subject except meditation and mindfulness, and yet the other padawans resented him. He was too fast, too strong, too old, too independent, too angry, and too emotional. Anakin Skywalker was just too different to be a good Jedi.
And though he tried to ignore the taunts and complaints of the others, sooner or later someone would push too hard and Anakin would get fed up and unleash the anger and rage that was always just beneath the surface of his emotions. Obi-Wan could do nothing to curb his more extravagant outbursts. Anakin knew it had been decided by the council that someone with more authority should be in charge of his discipline, but to his dismay, Master Windu had been assigned to him.
Mace Windu hates Anakin. He had never even tried to hide it. Anakin could feel mistrust seeping into the force whenever he was around the man. It was outrageous that the council would do this to him. They were just trying to make him quit and leave the order. There could be no other explanation for this turn of events. Mace Windu hated Anakin Skywalker and the feeling was very much mutual.
So it was no surprise to anyone that Anakin stood in Master Windu's office not even a full week after their last "discussion" with a defiant look on his face, while he listened to the Jedi Master recite a list of all the offenses he had committed against his fellow Jedi.
"Is that all, Master?" Anakin asked in his familiar monotone. He hadn't listened to the lecture at all and only responded when he sensed that Windu was done talking.
"No, that is not all padawan. I want you to tell me why you cut off Elek Synn's braid."
"They reattached it."
"Though all answers are replies, all replies are not answers. You did not answer the question that I asked."
"You really care why?" Anakin asked as if it was already obvious.
"Do you think I ask frivolous questions?"
Yes, Anakin thought but dared not say it. "Does it really matter why? I did it and it was wrong. May I have my punishment now so I can leave?"
"No. Take a seat Skywalker. We've only just begun." Mace sat at his desk and waited for Anakin to take the seat on the other side. "Now, why did you attack your friends?" he asked again.
"They are not my friends. They hate me and I hate them right back."
"Jedi do not hate," Windu responded calmly.
"Oh no? Well, tell that to those others. They never let a chance go by to insult me or challenge me. They're all jealous of my talent and they resent me for being the chosen one."
"Whether you are the chosen one has yet to be determined. But if they resent you, is it necessary for you to resent them back? To sink to their level? Is that the behavior of the chosen one?"
"Kriff the chosen one!"
"Anakin, how can I help you if you don't tell me what the problem is?"
"You don't want to help me, you just want me to quit. Well, I'm not leaving unless you throw me out."
"No one is throwing you out."
"Isn't that why the council chose you to discipline me? To drive me to leave the order?"
"I was chosen because they thought I could handle your outbursts better than Obi-Wan can."
"I'm not some problem to be handled!"
"I agree."
"What?"
"I said I agree. You are not just some problem to be handled. But you are my problem. You are a fellow Jedi and therefore it is up to the order to help you. We are charged with training and protecting you. It's true that we denied Qui-Gon's request to take you in but it was not because we are cruel and unfeeling. It was because we knew it would be a difficult adjustment for someone who was raised for so long outside of the temple. You had a life before coming here. You had a mother that you loved and friends whom you had to leave behind. That isn't easy for an adult, let alone a child to endure. We knew it would be a difficult transition. Quite honestly, I thought you'd give up and beg to go home long before now. But you didn't, you stuck it out and you adapted. As well as you could, anyway. But you aren't thriving, Skywalker. Is this truly where you want to be? Do you still want to be a Jedi with all that it entails?"
"Yes! Yes, I want to be here. I want to be a Jedi more than anything. It's all I've ever wanted. It's you who doesn't want me here!"
"I want you where you belong, wherever that is. What about before you came here? Before Qui-Gon found you? What did you want to be back then?"
Anakin slouched back in his seat and crossed his arms. "I didn't want anything. I wasn't allowed to want anything. I was a slave."
"But surely even slaves want something?" Windu pushed.
"Sure. All slaves want to be free. But we can't have that. At best we hope for a master who doesn't abuse us or work us to death or sell us to someone worse. We don't want to be separated from the ones we love on the whim of a cruel master."
"Was your master cruel?" Mace asked.
"Watto? I suppose compared to most he was okay. He didn't beat us or rape us. He fed us and housed us. Gave us a day off for life day and Boonta Eve." Anakin shrugged as if discussing the life of a slave was normal while he looked down at the frayed threads on the sleeve of his robe.
Windu cringed inside at the thought of what this boy lived through. What had he seen at such a young age? How was it that he had not known these things about Anakin before? Because he'd never asked before. Because like his colleagues, he'd avoided the boy whenever possible and was glad he was Obi-Wan's problem. Mace was going to fix that oversight immediately.
"Tell me about your mother?" he asked Anakin.
Anakin's head snapped up so that he stared at Windu. "What about her?" he asked cautiously.
"Do you still miss her?"
A scowl covered Anakin's face. "What do you think?"
"I think she weighs heavily on your conscious. Would you like to speak to her?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"I want to help you," Mace said.
"By torturing me? Is this my punishment? To talk about my mother?"
"It's not punishment. I want to know you. How can I deal out the proper correction if I don't know the cause of the mistake?"
"I am not a mistake!"
"No, but your behavior is. I don't think you mean to cause trouble. I think you want to be a good Jedi. But you are no good to the order or to yourself when your mind is so troubled. And I think the past that you left behind, the past you are unable to let go of is weighing you down and holding you back. A Jedi is meant to forgo strong attachments, yet you cling to them desperately."
Anakin leaped from his seat and paced the room angrily. "I cannot help that I am a human with human emotions. Yes, I miss my mother. If you had one you'd miss yours too, but the Jedi stole that from you, didn't they? They won't let you love anyone and you're ok with that? Of course, you are because you don't know any better. You're happy to kiss Master Yoda's ass. Well, I know better! And I'm not wrong, you are!" Anakin finished by slamming his palms down on Windu's desk, invading his personal space.
Windu remained seated and calmly stated, "Take your seat."
Anakin looked as if he was going to take a swing at Mace, but at the last moment, he huffed out a breath, pushed himself back, and folded himself back into his chair where he sat fuming.
"Now, as I was saying. You are clinging to your attachments. Yet what good are they to you? You cannot let your past life go? What good does it do to carry it with you? Would it not be better to let go and be free? Let go of the things that are holding you hostage still?"
"I don't know, Master."
"Why don't you know? You seem to know everything else."
Anakin let out an angry growl. "I don't know how to let go. Maybe I don't want to. My mother is all I have."
"Your mother was all you had. You have the Jedi now. Are we not your family? Is Obi-Wan not a brother to you? Do the other masters not counsel you and mentor you as a guiding force?"
"No!"
Mace raised his brows in surprise. "Oh, no?"
"Well, Obi-Wan tries, but sometimes he's more like a taskmaster than family. He's the closest thing to a father I've ever had, but he doesn't see it that way. Sometimes he's more like a mother hen but I already have a mother," Anakin said angrily.
Mace listened carefully, searching for any inroads into Anakin's defenses. "The other masters in the temple, how do you see us?"
"The masters like you and Master Yoda have tried to guide me, but the others, I think they are afraid of me. They avoid me. I think they have their padawans avoid me too, which is fine. I don't need them."
"Good," Mace said nodding.
"That's good?" Anakin asked.
"Yes, you don't need more attachments. Let us deal with the ones you already have. Back to my previous question. Would you like to speak to your mother?"
"Of course I would like to, but it's not allowed."
"Who says it's not allowed?"
"Obi-Wan says. Everyone says. Jedi don't allow attachments," Anakin pointed out the obvious.
"Obi-Wan hasn't allowed you to contact your mother at all?" Mace couldn't believe what he was hearing. The boy had been with them for 10 years!
"No. I mean, why would he? It's now allowed."
"Have you ever asked him?"
"No. Of course not."
"Because you think you're not allowed?
"Yes."
Mace sighed. What has Obi-Wan been teaching this boy? What have they been teaching Obi-Wan? It was fitting that the council finally stepped into this situation, but Mace only hoped that they had not intervened too late.
"How do we contact your mother?"
Anakin's eyes lit up. "What? You're going to let me talk to her?"
"Of course. This is not a prison. Despite what you've been told you are allowed to have friends. We Jedi are attached to the order are we not? We form bonds with our masters and our apprentices. Those are attachments. The danger is in clinging to your attachments. In needing them to sustain you. The force should sustain you. But some of the Jedi believe that strong emotional attachments can block the will of the force. We discourage strong attachments but it's not strictly forbidden to have them."
"Do you believe that such attachments are dangerous?" Anakin asked.
"I do. But it does not matter what I believe. What matters is what you believe. What you feel. If you cannot let go of your past life you will never fully embrace your future. You'll never be the Jedi you want to be."
"I want to be a Jedi. What must I do Master?"
"I think you should contact your mother and make peace with your past. Only then can you move forward. A bird cannot fly with the eggshell still on its back."
"I don't even know how to reach my mother," he sighed. "Slaves are not allowed communicators. I don't even know if she's still alive. I feel that she is. I dream about her every night, but I don't know," he said sadly.
"Leave it to me Anakin. You say she is owned by a Watto?"
"Not A Watto, his name is Watto. They are in Mos Espa on Tatooine. Shmi Skywalker was... is her name."
Mace nodded. "We shall find her if the force wills it so. Now for your correction for today's incident."
"But-" Anakin started to protest.
"No Buts. You are under my supervision now. I don't care what other masters do but my padawans behave when in the temple."
"But I'm not your padawan."
"Technically you are. Since you were assigned to me by the council I share the duty with Obi-Wan. Speaking of, what has he told you about Jedi history?"
"What do you mean? Like how the order was formed and the names of Old Jedi Masters?"
"No." Mace rose from his seat, his Jedi robe swirling around him like a tempest as he walked over to a wall filled with shelves from floor to ceiling. On a shelf about eye level, he retrieved a glowing, slender rod and brought it back over to stand in front of Anakin.
"What do you know of this?" Mace held the item in front of the padawan.
Anakin had never seen anything like it. He had no affinity with objects like Master Quinlan Vos but he felt some sort of energy emanating from the item. He almost felt drawn to take it. "What is it?" he asked softly.
For the first time since he'd known him, Master Windu cracked a slight grin. "This," he began, "is the Staff of Redemption. An artifact passed down through generations of Jedi Masters to help guide wayward padawans back onto the path of the light. Would you allow me to demonstrate it?" Windu asked.
Of its own accord, Anakin's hand was slowly lifted toward the Staff before he caught himself just in time. Anakin's eyes widened when he realized what he'd almost done. He sensed a strange seductive power emanating from the artifact. He didn't know why but he wanted this object that seemed to be pulling him towards it. "Yes."
Master Windu nodded and walked over to a large, round padded ottoman tucked away in an alcove of the office that overlooked a window. It must be where Master Windu meditated, Anakin surmised.
"Come here Skywalker," Windu said.
Anakin was unsure what was about to happen but he had to trust Master Windu. Besides, he didn't want to do anything that might jeopardize his chance to speak to his mother again. A mix of trepidation and resignation flooded his thoughts as he reluctantly approached his Master.
Windu stood tall with the staff in his hand as he guided his young apprentice forward. "You will prostrate yourself on this ottoman, Anakin. Accept your correction with humility and let it serve as a lesson in obedience."
Anakin understood now. Corporal punishment. He didn't think the Jedi used such barbaric methods, but it was an ancient instrument made in a less civilized time. Anakin tried to clear his mind as Obi-Wan had taught him. He took a deep breath, gripped the sides of the ottoman, and braced himself.
But the blows didn't come. He could hear Master Windu standing behind him breathing deeply, but nothing happened. Anakin chanced to take a peek over his shoulder. "Master?" he questioned with a shaky breath.
Finally, Mace nodded his head and moved forward. Anakin felt the hem of his robe being lifted and pushed up onto his back. Next, the waistband of his trousers was grabbed and he sucked in his breath. Master Windu undid the laces and then dragged his trousers down around his knees, exposing his bare ass.
This time Windu drew in a sharp breath. "You don't wear underclothes?"
Anakin shook his head no and then said, "I don't like them, too restrictive."
Windu laughed. "Of course, you don't like any restrictions, do you boy?"
When Anakin didn't answer, he felt a sharp blow. The Staff of Redemption met Anakin's backside with a resounding smack, sending shivers of pain and energy coursing through his body. Anakin gasped in shock, but he dared not move.
"Answer me," Windu said.
"No, master, I don't like restrictions."
"Good," Windu said calmly. Next Anakin felt Master Windu's large hand palming his ass and he hissed in surprised pain.
"Does that hurt?"
What do you think? Anakin wanted to snap back but he didn't have the nerve to do so. He had pressed his face into the voluminous arms of his robe and that muffled his voice when he answered, "Yes, Master."
"I didn't hear you, padawan," Windu said.
Anakin lifted his head and spoke again, his voice thick with emotion. "Yes, Master. It hurts," he managed to say as his breath hitched. He did not want to cry, but damn it, it did hurt!
"You know I do not want to hurt you Anakin? This is to help you," Windu said as he continued to soothe the red skin of Anakin's behind with his hand.
Anakin shook his head trying to deny what was happening to him and did not answer. The hand was quickly lifted from his ass and this time there was a swift blow to the back of his thighs. Anakin cried out in shocked pain before he could stop himself. He didn't want to show weakness in front of the gruff Master. He was better than this, but he hurt. He hurt so much.
The pain was not merely physical. Yes, his thighs stung, but more than that, his heart ached. It was as if the staff had opened a wound he didn't know was there. He felt anger, pain, fear, and loneliness. He was oh so lonely, and that hurt more than the blows.
Windu leaned over Anakin's back, the heat of his body enveloping Anakin like an embrace, and he placed the staff on the bench in front of them. It glowed with luminous energy, and Anakin shivered. Mace's weight was a comfort in the storm as Anakin struggled against his emotions. Beside him, Mace's hot breath tickled his ear as he whispered, "It doesn't have to be this way Anakin. This is meant to help you. Let the Staff do its job. Let go of your emotions."
"I c-c-can't" Anakin struggled to say.
"You can. Let it go padawan. Let it all go," Mace encouraged.
"I'm s-sc-scared," Anakin admitted.
"I know. I know and I've got you." Windu carded his fingers through Ankin's short golden hair massaging his scalp and causing a tingle to run down Anakin's spine before he stood up again taking his warmth and the Staff of Redemption with him. He struck Anakin several more times across his thighs and buttocks.
With each strike, Anakin felt the festering wound in his heart open more and more and the pain of his body hurt less. He couldn't hold it in any longer. Anakin let go. He let go of the part of himself that held onto the anger and fear that he carried with him always and he cried.
He cried as he never had before. He cried for the loss of his mother and his friends and the only home he'd ever known. The echoes of Jedi past reverberated through the room projecting feelings of encouragement and support to the young padawan. Anakin cried until he thought there were no more tears left inside him. Cried until only the sound of his heart beating mingled with the rhythmic percussion created by the Staff of Redemption as it struck him again and again.
Finally, Mace concluded the ritual. The blows stopped and all Anakin heard was the sounds of his labored breathing as he came back to his body and the rustling of his master's robes as Windu moved about the room.
The ancient ritual which was rarely performed in contemporary times weighed heavily on Mace's mind. Only the most skilled of masters knew how to control the power of the Staff of Redemption. He solemnly returned the Staff to its resting place. Then he retrieved a vial of oil that was sitting on the same shelf. It was a healing augment that Jedi had used for centuries. He returned to his padawan placing the oil on the bench and inspected the boy's backside.
Mace sighed. He had not meant to go so far but the boy was so stubborn. Anakin desperately needed the release, poor thing, but he had held on so tight. Mace took the vial and poured some of the healing oil into his palm. He set the vial on the bench again and rubbed his hands together vigorously building up heat and healing energy.
At the first touch of Mace's oiled hands on Anakin's backside he cried out, not in pain but surprise, so distracted by the maelstrom of emotions still swirling inside of him.
"Shhh. It's okay Skywalker. I've got you," Mace crooned gently as he rubbed the soothing oil all over Anakin's tender flesh. "This will relieve some of the soreness, but not all of it. You'll still feel it tomorrow."
Anakin didn't respond except to weep in silent tears and hitch his breath a few times. He could endure the pain. He'd experienced much worse beatings when he was younger and no match for the older padawans who picked on him. No, it wasn't the physical pain that disturbed him but the emotional vulnerability he felt. As Master Windu caressed his bruised flesh, Anakin felt more vulnerable than he'd ever felt in his life.
He'd never experienced anything like this. His mother Shmi had never raised a hand towards her son. Watto was a demanding owner but he never employed corporal punishment against his slaves. Obi-Wan was a soft touch. Anakin was sure it would never even occur to him to strike anyone unless it was in self-defense or in defense of an innocent.
No one except his bullies or villains had ever struck Anakin with the intent to harm. But Master Windu said he did not want to hurt him. This was a punishment, but it was not meant to be cruel. It was meant to focus his attention and channel his thoughts to something other than his mother or his desperate loneliness. And it had worked. All Anakin could think about right now was the heat of his bruised buttocks and thighs and the cooling ointment that Master Windu was applying.
It felt good to feel such gentle care after the stinging blows. He should be ashamed that Master Windu was seeing his bare ass, that he'd heard Anakin cry and had wiped his tears away but he was not. Anakin didn't have the energy to care how he looked, he simply wanted to crawl into a small ball as he used to do when he was a child sheltering from the sandstorms. He wanted to curl up and bury his face in his mother's bosom and smell her special mom scent. With his mind still drifting he became aware that Master Windu was no longer attending him and was standing beside the bench.
"Anakin, it is done. You may rise."
Slowly Anakin opened his eyes and looked around. Night had fallen and the glow of the city lights cast strange shadows into Windu's office. The room looked totally different than it did during the daytime just a few minutes ago.
Anakin hissed when he pulled up his trousers, the rough fabric chaffed his sensitive skin. He managed to arrange his clothing to some semblance of normal and then stood at a loss as to what to do next.
"Anakin?" Master Windu said while he watched the boy arrange his clothing and sway on his feet. "Are you all right? Can you walk?"
"I'm fine, Master," Anakin answered in a subdued tone of voice.
"Can you make it to your quarters alone?"
"I'll be fine," he said though he made no further attempt to move.
Windu gave Anakin instructions for the rest of the evening. It was actually much later than Anakin had imagined. The session lasted nearly an hour and it was almost lights out. "You are to go back to your quarters and wait 30 minutes for the ointment to work. Then you are to take a hot shower, as hot as you can stand it, and then go right to bed afterward. In the morning you are to report to the training grounds and apologize to your fellow padawans for your misbehavior. Is that clear?" Windu asked.
Normally Anakin would be angered by such a command. He hadn't had a curfew in years. And the very idea of apologizing to his tormentors would normally infuriate him. But tonight he didn't care, all his attention was on the throbbing pain of his backside. He looked forward to laying down and going to sleep in his soft warm bed. He hadn't felt this way since the last time he'd been sick and feverish with a bug he'd picked up off-world on a mission. Back then he had been forced into bedrest for several days and he enjoyed a dreamless rest. He looked forward to sleeping for the first time in a long while.
"Yes Master," Anakin answered serenely.
"Good," Mace stated, his voice firm yet compassionate.
As Anakin bowed and took his leave Mace hoped his padawan had found some long-overdue humility and balance from the experience with the Staff of Redemption. But he was sure there would be many more trials before Anakin Skywalker was truly on the path to enlightenment as a Jedi Master.