Circumstantial

by Pepja98

What evidence would it take to make you believe the worst in someone? Steph finds out the hard way and then must face her new reality. An eventual Babe HEA but he has to face his own demons in order to make it right. Trigger warnings but not everything is as it seems. Long story, completely written and posting frequently. Serious Angst.

23. Chapter 23

A/N Everything you recognize belongs to Janet Evanovich. Thank you to Kathy's amazing beta skills, Heather for all her sound advice and encouragement and Lisa who did a little of both! A huge Thank You to the readers, you guys make all the hard work worth it!

~Chapter 23

***Dec 23

I wake at sunrise and head to the kitchen. I make a cup of coffee and drink it while looking out the window. The peaceful scene before me doesn't calm my nerves like it usually does. I have to fix this. I cannot fail. I plan my day's objectives. Objective number one is to make myself needed. Easier said than done. Objective number two, tell Stephanie the whole story and apologize for believing the worst. Objective number three, beg for her forgiveness. Objective number four, enjoy this time I have to spend with two of the most important people in my life. I have my work cut out for me, I think as I finish my coffee. I don't have any idea how long my girls will sleep. I pause to smile. I like the sound of that. My girls. I continue to smile as I grab my jacket and head out to bring in a stack of wood from the pile. I want to burn the fireplace much of the day. It adds a coziness to the cabin and I'll use any method available to me to make everything perfect for her. As soon as I walk over to the wood pile, I freeze. I hear the worst possible words that I can at this moment.

"Good morning neighbor. It's great to finally meet you." I hear as I look toward the voice. I take in a tall, self assured woman dressed to kill. Her outfit screams money and her body language screams available. I'm glad Babe is still sleeping. I know from the frequent checks that we do on the remaining properties that there was a recent divorce and I'm guessing this is the surviving half.

"My name is Cassandra." She says as she reaches her hand out.

I take her hand and reply. "Carlos, nice to meet you."

"I have seen you working really hard over here chopping wood. Does this mean you're staying for a while?" she asks as I continue stacking wood in my bin. I'm not interested in chatting with this woman and I certainly don't like the idea she's been watching me.

"Not sure yet. Are you here with your family?" I ask, trying to get the conversation off of me and why I'm here. Just then, the patio door opens and up on the deck, Stephanie pops her head out.

"Oh Hi, I'm Stephanie, who are you?" Stephanie asks as she comes to the edge of the deck and leans over the railing looking directly at Cassandra. Fuck me. This is a complication that I really don't need right now.

"I'm Cassandra, your neighbor. I was just introducing myself to Carlos here," she says a little less enthusiastically.

"Oh, not my neighbor, only his," she says, gesturing to me. "We aren't together," she volunteers and I want to throw her over my shoulder and carry her back into the house, not caring if she was kicking and screaming the whole time.

"Oh" Cassandra purrs. Yes, she fucking purred. She's now looking at me again with the I'm available look and I want to fucking punch something.

SPOV

"What a cute story. The whole girl/boy next door thing. I see potential. I must warn you though, he's only interested in casual. I have been known to be quite the matchmaker. I do however believe in knowing the boundaries up front. Can you handle a casual no strings fling? I know what it's like when you start a casual thing and then fall for the guy. Believe me, it won't work, you'll just end up getting your heart broken. He's very charming but rather tight lipped on all things personal, you'll have to get used to that. Whatever you do, do NOT think you'll change him either. That's a big mistake. Also, use a couple of forms of birth control..."

"STOP!" he interrupts. "Stephanie, that's enough!"

"I guess you can add temper tantrums to his personality," I say to her but I'm looking right at Ranger. His blank face is gone. I'm staring into his red faced fury. I don't back down. "What have I said that's not true, that you hadn't told me over and over again? About no rings, only condoms...not family material." I say imitating his voice as best I could. I look back at Cassandra. She looks horror stricken. "He's just a little mad at me. We had this whole you tricked me into getting pregnant thing and he's still a little mad. I'm only here to work out a small custody detail. If you're still interested, he really is great in bed, you won't have any complaints there," I continue as he drops the wood and makes his way up the stairs to me.

"Can I speak to you inside please?" he says gripping me under my elbow. I think he is trying to reign in his anger a bit because he's using an even tone belying his face's contorted features. Cassandra takes off. "Look, now you scared her off." I admonish him.

"I don't care. I don't want her," he says through clenched teeth. "I want you." he adds a little softer.

"You don't want me. Hell, you don't want Ava. You're just pissed that I tricked you and left. You have to be the one that walks away first. You can't stand it, now that you can't control me anymore. Well, fuck you Ranger. Coming here was a mistake. The only reason I did was to make sure you weren't going to try to chase me all over the world. I want that legal document that you promised me. You know, the one like you gave Rachel where you give up your rights to your child. That's it, that's all I want from you."

He remains silent while we walk back into the family room. His hold on me relaxes a bit. He guides me over to the chair and I sit. He starts to pace and I'm momentarily stunned. Ranger doesn't pace. He once told me he worries about everything but he never shows any outward appearance of being anything but in control. Wow, how the mighty Manoso has fallen!

"I don't want a casual relationship with you. I thought that I made that clear," he begins.

"What? I hate to break it to you Ranger but you have only ever been clear on the fact that that's ALL you ever wanted...I don't do anything stupid like marriage or pregnancies"

"Please stop. I know I deserve to have my words thrown back in my face but please stop. I'm trying to make up for my mistakes."

"Which mistakes are you talking about?" I ask, genuinely curious what exactly he thinks he screwed up on. I check the monitor and see that Ava is still sleeping so I tuck my legs underneath me ready for the big bad Manoso to admit his wrongdoings.

He takes a breath and lets it out.

"From the beginning of our relationship..." he begins and I cut him off.

"We didn't have a relationship, according to you." I point out.

He takes another breath. I can see that he is struggling to not strangle me and I momentarily wonder if he has considered just that. He can dispose of me and have Ava all to himself. Not that he wants her. He just can't stand having another child out there that he is responsible for but not supporting. My thoughts are interrupted by Ranger who can still read me. Damn him.

"I'm not going to get rid of you. I want you in my life. I want a real relationship with you," he says with a touch of pleading in his voice, a big change from a few seconds ago. He really does have good control over his emotions.

"I want us to have a relationship too. You are my baby's daddy and once I get that legal document, we can work out a limited visitation." I say using air quotes when I say limited. He runs his fingers through his hair.

"I don't want to be just Ava's daddy. I want us to be a family," he says stopping in front of me and getting on his knees.

"What?" I ask skeptically. "That isn't even on the table. I came here because you promised me that you would give me the legal documents forfeiting your rights to my baby. The baby you tried to force me to abort, I'd like to point out. I did not come here to try and salvage our dysfunctional friendship." I have never thought of what we had as a relationship. I had hoped with every fiber of my being once but we all know how that ended.

"It's what I want for us", he says simply.

"Huhn" I snort at the cruel deal fate has given. "So when I wanted a relationship with you, you weren't interested, you went out of your way to show me we had no claim on each other and now that I'm done with you, you want a relationship with me?" I ask incredulously. He nods.

"I really don't think you want a relationship with me. I think you are just mad that either I'm the one that walked away or that Ava and I don't need you." I counter.

He stands again and resumes pacing. "While you were gone, I realized some things," he begins and pauses like it's painful to admit this to me. "I realized that we were in a relationship. I had to admit that I was a coward for not admitting it sooner. I don't want to be a coward anymore. I want you and I'm not afraid to tell everyone. I realized that loving you doesn't make me weak. Actually the opposite is true. Loving you makes me stronger," he says sappily like he's reading a Hallmark card. This is not the Ranger I remember and I'm distrustful to believe this new person.

"Look, I'm sorry, in order to get through all of this, I had to do a reality check. My reality was that I was a screw up. I fell for a guy that really didn't want a future with me and I was devastated. I had to become someone new. Someone that will never make the same mistakes again. I have a new life and all I need is laying in that crib over there. All I'm offering you in exchange for that document is occasional access to my daughter so she knows that her daddy didn't abandon her, nothing more."

"I did abandon you and I'm sorry," he says quietly.

Tears threaten, but I will them to stop. He has no power over me.

"Well, that's all history. I'm over it." I say off-handily, now scared of these emotions. In my heart, I know, I really have to deal with the emotion of what he did to me in order to heal from it. But...I'm hesitant. I know the hatred born from anger has monopolized my feelings for Ranger since I left Trenton. What would I do if I no longer had anger and hatred to cling to? "I'm going to go check on my baby." I tell him. I want out of this conversation. I have more power to fight against him when I hate him. My plan to forgive him went out the window as soon as he started pursuing me. I need to maintain this hatred in order to get through this. I can forgive him later, much later. I can't let him weasel his way back into our lives with an apology. I can't let him destroy me again.

I peek in Ava's room and find her sleeping in her crib. Lex is standing guard like a sentry but his thumping tail makes me feel welcome. I go over to him and sit with him on the floor. I scratch around his collar and whisper words of affirmation to him. We met at a time in our lives where we needed something and we found it in each other. Lex may have been given to Dr. King but he is my dog. I have his trust and undying love. He isn't going to wake up one morning and decide I'm the antichrist. A few tears escape and I struggle to gather my strength. I think about how far I've come and how I've done it on my own. I'm strong and I will survive. It has been over seven months since I found out that I was pregnant. What a difference time makes. I shake my head. I try not to think of my shitty past and focus on the future. Being here with Ranger brings up a lot of the past and I know it'll be good for me to deal with it but, I'm loath to do it. The prize at the end of this torture is getting to leave free and clear. No more hiding. I'll probably still use my new name but the anxiety of getting found won't be there. I really just want to see my grandma again without fear. I want her to be a part of Ava's life. I wasn't sure how much Ranger would even want to be involved but I'm shocked he wants the fairytale family. I hope I made it clear we are not a package deal but that honestly surprised me. Why would he even want anything to do with us? Why would he want anything to do with me? Didn't I lie and trick him? I take a deep breath and deepen my resolve. I may have to deal with Ranger when it comes to Ava, but I'm not getting sucked back into the dysfunction that was my life before I left Trenton.

Ava awakens a little bit later and I feed her and bring her into the kitchen. I find Ranger sitting at the table with his head in his hands. Our earlier conversation didn't go well for him. He's used to getting the last word and being the one who walks away first. Too bad. He's just gonna have to deal with this new me. I won't just roll over and ignore how he treated me. I have too much at stake now.

"Do you want to take Ava for a while?" I ask. "I'd like to take a nap." He looks up at me and then to Ava. He reaches out to her and I put her in his arms.

"Do you need anything?" he asks me.

"After I wake up and feed Ava again, I want to either move me into the nursery or move her crib in with me. I'm used to being with her." I tell him

RPOV

I was shocked when Steph asked to be moved in with Ava. She asked without any more explanation than necessary. Normally she would have given me a presentation for why she wants what she wants but she's keeping things short. Another sign that she is far from trusting me. Shit.

"Sure. We can do whatever you want." I tell her. I'm trying to use the words 'we' and 'us' as much as I can. I'm trying to use every trick I can to change her thinking. I hope this works. I can't even think about what my life will be like without them.

She grabs an apple off the counter and eats it on the way back to her room. Lex follows her. I can't blame him. I would follow her too if she'd let me. I shake my head thinking that I'll have to turn in my man card. I don't care though. Fuck the card, I want my girls.

I look at the amazing little girl in my arms. I just stare at her. I still can't believe Steph and I made her. I can't get enough of her. I walk around the room pointing out things to her. We read books and I play with her on the floor. I get her to smile at me a few times. I'm in awe of her. I take several photos of her. I got a cute one of her smiling. A couple of times, Lex would make an appearance so I know that Steph left the door open for him. Ava reaches for him and he comes close enough for her to touch his nose. He smells her and she smiles again. I honestly believe the little shit was trying to tell me that he knew how to make her smile too. I put Ava in the swing that I had moved closer to the kitchen. I want to make lunch and have it ready when Babe wakes up. I keep up the chatter with Ava while I put a salad together and cut up the fruit. I put some strawberry juice on my finger and put it up to Ava's mouth. She tasted the sweet liquid and her tongue darts out to get more. I repeat it and she excitedly moves her arms and kicked her legs. This is what we were doing when Stephanie comes into the kitchen looking a little less exhausted.

"I think she'll like strawberries," I tell her.

"Probably, I craved fruit when I was pregnant," she replies.

"You said you were eating healthier so I made a salad with grilled chicken and cut up lots of fruit. There's stuff for sandwiches too. I can throw together a turkey or tuna sandwich rather quickly." I say to her.

"Salad and fruit is fine," she replies as she comes into Ava's view. Ava has been seeking out her voice. She definitely knows who her Momma is.

I set the food on the island and get out plates and utensils.

"What would you like to drink? We have water, milk and..." I ask but she stops me with "Water, thank you."

We eat in awkward silence until I ask her questions about Ava. "What is her favorite thing to do?"

"She doesn't do a lot yet. She likes to look around and likes to be held so she can see. Her neck muscles are strong enough now that you don't have to support her head as much. She likes to dance but please don't throw her around just after she's eaten. I work hard to make milk for her and I don't like the clean up either." She cautions. "Same goes for lifting her in the air. She loves it and it makes her smile but it will definitely make her puke." She continues while we eat.

I ask her several more questions about Ava and she seems to not mind talking about her to me. I am working my way up to asking something about her when Ava starts to get fussy. Steph puts down her fork and goes to rescue Ava from the confines of the swing. She talks to her like she's a grown up as she picks her up and brings her back to her plate. It's a pet peeve of mine when adults talk baby talk to their children and I'm glad Steph doesn't do that. She sits back down and finishes the last few bites while holding Ava. I'm impressed that Steph has the upper body strength to handle our child. I comment on that and Steph responds with 'Yeah, I learned you should never arm wrestle a new mom. We are quite good at holding babies and doing our work and don't even get me started on all of the stuff we lug around," she says with a smile. This is the first smile that wasn't directed solely at Ava or Lex. I will take it as the small victory that it is.

"I need to feed Ava and put her down for a nap. Can we move furniture after she wakes?" She asks.

"Whatever will be easiest for you. I'll clean up here. Do you need anything?"

"No" she responds and takes Ava to feed her and put her down. I clean up the kitchen waiting for Steph to come back out but she never does. I was hoping to continue talking to her but I guess she has a lot of sleeping to catch up on. I look around for something to do. The wood is stacked and everything is taken care of outdoors. I straighten the living room and put all of Ava's toys away. I look back at the kitchen. I can start the prep for dinner. I was planning on reheating a frozen meal but since I have time, I'll prepare something from scratch. I wanted to make Steph my favorite meal growing up. It's Ropa Vieja and my mother and Abuela showed me how to make it.

I know that whatever Steph eats, makes its way to Ava and I want her to like Cuban food. I want to teach her Spanish and introduce her to my culture. It's one of the things I wanted for Julie too. Thankfully, Rachel and Ron didn't mind and now that I have a better relationship with Julie, I'm able to do more of that. I really don't want to sign over custody. I want to be a part of her life. Steph seems the most willing to talk when she is teaching me what Ava likes and how to care for her. She immediately shuts down when I ask her anything personal. I will build on what I have so I plan on asking her about Ava and see if she lets down her guard.

When Ava cries, Steph is out of her room in seconds. I'll never get used to how much she has changed into a light sleeper. She feeds her and brings a happy Ava out into the main living area.

"I can get Ava settled in her bouncer seat and as long as she can see the activity she'll be ok."

We decided to move Ava's crib, the changing table and the rocker into the Master. That way, Steph would be more comfortable. I ask her about her daily schedule with Ava and soon I was listening to Steph talk about her daily routine. Steph chats the whole time we are moving furniture.

"Ava is such an easy baby, thank God. She's happy to just see everything. She's so observant."

"She probably gets that from you." I tell her and she frowns.

"I know I'm nosey and I hope that's not what this is," she responds and I know I have to go into damage control.

"That's not what I meant. I don't think you're nosey. You are curious and observant. You aren't one of those nosey busybodies that seem to be prevalent in the Burg. I love that quality in you and hope that it's in Ava too." I tell her. She does relax and I wonder if I helped or hurt my situation. I only have two more days and I was working hard to suppress the panic that was building. If Steph doesn't forgive me then she and Ava will walk out of my life and I will have nothing. I take a deep breath. I cannot afford to fail. I switch tactics and try to tell her some things about myself as an infant.

"My mother tells me I was a difficult child. She didn't say it like that but I got the point. She says that I was not laid back at all. My sisters tormented me and that was probably why I was so difficult. I was the youngest and everyone treated me like a baby." I tell her. She is giving me a strange look and I ask "What?"

"Be careful, you're sharing personal information about yourself," she says and I'm hit with the full force of that statement. Fuck. She doesn't want to hear anything personal about me. I really am a bastard for keeping her at arm's length. I need to get her to trust me so I change tactics.

"You need to know this. Ava is my child and knowing where I come from will help you understand her. I need to tell you all about my health history too. When she gets older, you need to know what to look out for." I point out.

She stays silent so I take that as a sign I can continue. I need to intersperse personal info in with what she needs to know so I can get her to know me more. I hate that I didn't do this earlier but I wasn't ready to admit that we were in a relationship and therefore acted like a closed off ass.

"When I got older, I acted out because of all the abuse from my sisters. Ava only has Julie as an older sibling so she isn't going to have an issue with bullying in the family. I can tell you some of the things that my sisters did to me if you want." I pause to see if she is going to take the bait. Shit. Nothing so I continue.

"We have a better relationship now but growing up was brutal. Health wise, I didn't get sick very often but when I did, it was pretty bad. My brother and sisters were the same. We do have some health issues but nothing in childhood. I never broke any bones and never needed surgery."

I don't want to tell her about my vasectomy at this point so I had to phrase my response so that I wasn't lying. I don't want to ruin the conversation and I know without a doubt that it will. I regret it. I did it because I was angry and now that I know that I had no reason to be plus the fact that I want her and Ava now makes me sick that I had it done. Steph will take it for what it was. A big fuck you to a family lifestyle. How can I expect her to believe I have done a 180 on my stance with that when I don't understand it very well myself? My only saving grace is that I think it can be reversed. I can look into it later to see what my options are if all goes well. At this point, I can't let myself get too hopeful.

"I know you broke your arm jumping off the roof but did you have any other childhood injuries or illnesses?" I ask, trying to get her talking.

"I was a pretty healthy kid. I only broke a bone that one time. I don't think you can count that as having a history of breaking bones since it was so extreme. Anyone would have broken something doing that," she says with a snort. I smile as I think of her and her 'I can fly' attitude. As much as I want Ava to be just like her, I know that will put a lot of stress on us as parents trying to keep her safe.

"With my rebellion and your 'I can fly' attitude, I think we're going to need to keep a pretty tight watch on any child with our combined DNA." I tell her. I see her think about that.

"Well, I don't want to smother her. I don't want anyone making her feel like what she wants is wrong. I want her to be able to fly," she says, pausing before she picks up her Boppy pillow to bring it into the master.

"I want her to fly too but I want to make sure she lands on something safe when she does jump." I say, trying to make her understand that I have no desire to ground Ava both figuratively and literally. I remember the story of Steph getting grounded from jumping off the roof and thought of the irony it represented. I told Steph and she smiled.

"I never thought of it like that but I can see the irony." She pauses and frowns. "You know so much about me and my history. I barely know anything about you."

"You know me more than anyone." I tell her.

"Not really. Let me demonstrate. I'm going to ask you a series of questions but I don't want you to answer. Just hear me out," she says and begins.

"What are your parents' and siblings' names?"

"What sports and high school activities did you do?"

"What job did you have in high school?"

"What was your college major?"

"What pets did you have growing up?"

"What is your favorite movie?"

"What is your favorite food?"

"Where is your favorite place to be?"

"Sooooo, here is your actual question that I want you to answer. Do you know all of those things about me?"

"Yes," I answer quietly.

"Do Tank, Les and Bobby know any of those things?"

"Some."

"I don't know ANY of those things about you. I would ask you about those things and you would either change the subject or just not answer. I was an open book to you. Your book was closed and nailed shut. You have friends. Tank, Lester and Bobby and whoever else you trusted to know those answers. We didn't even have a friendship since I know all those things about my friends. I don't know what we had. You gave me your time, your money and your body. You never gave me anything from your heart. Those were locked up tight," she says with a sadness that breaks my heart. She's right. I gave her nothing. She gave me everything and I gave her nothing. I take a deep breath. I know I'm going to have to go out on a limb and take the biggest risk of my life.

"I was afraid. I was afraid everyone would see my weakness. That they would target you for it. I was afraid I would be dependent on you. I was afraid you would hurt me. I was afraid that you wouldn't like me when you know who I really am. What I've done. Plus I didn't know how. I know I'm a difficult person and I would eventually screw up any relationship I was in so I knew you would eventually leave me. I was afraid that if you left me, it would destroy me. I thought that if I held myself back that I would be okay. I was wrong. I still lost you and it still destroyed me. It took a lot of work with my therapist to get to the bottom of this. And I'm still not all the way there yet." I admit to her.

I'm watching her carefully, looking for her reaction. She's not looking at me. She's staring at her feet like she can't bear to look at the person who selfishly shredded her heart. Who rejected her love.

"I know I don't deserve forgiveness but I'm asking for it anyway. I love you Stephanie Michelle Plum or whoever you are now. I love you with all my heart and I hope that someday, you'll forgive me. I want you and Ava. Not just to co-parent. I want us to be a family. I don't understand why but I want that with everything I am. I know you'll find it hard to believe but I don't want to live my life alone anymore. Five years ago, I just wanted to start my business and dedicate my life to what I do best. Now, I want to dedicate my life to you and Ava. I still want to run Rangeman but I don't want to focus all my time on it. My therapist says I finally grew up. He said that my dreams will change as I get older and this is normal. It doesn't seem very normal to me but I can't seem to change what I want now and I don't want to. I want you and our little family. My biggest regrets in life was keeping you at arm's length and turning my back on you. I'm so sorry about what I did to you. Please know that it wasn't that I didn't trust you. It was that I was messed up...and a coward. So you know more about me than anyone. You know how scared I was. That I was a coward and that I want a future with you. I'm still scared but I'm no longer a coward. I want you and I'm not scared to admit it but I'm scared that you won't forgive me. I'm scared that I will fuck this up. I'm scared that I won't be the father Ava deserves. I'm scared that someone will hurt you or Ava because of who I am and what I've done. I'm scared for a lot of things but I'm not scared to give you my heart."

As I finish I notice that tears are running down her face and Lex has positioned himself between us. He is tuned into her emotions and she is running high right now. I unloaded months of therapy on her and feel some of the weight lift off me. I have been loaded down with the burden for such a long time it makes me feel almost lightheaded. I want to approach her but I'm too vulnerable to take a rejection right now.

"I have given you a lot to think about. I'm not pressuring you for anything. I'll take Ava and give you some time to process what I've said." I tell her as I walk to the doorway and pick Ava up. She's happy for the change of scenery and I take her into the living room as I whisper my hopes and dreams for us in her perfect little ear.

SPOV

I don't know what to do with this. I sit on the rocker with my head in my hands and let the tears fall. I cry for the loss, the hurt and for the struggles. Lex lays his head on my knee and I take his silent support. I think I can forgive him but I don't know if I can trust him again. I hate that I may not be able to. I know that it would be better for Ava if I can forgive him. It would be better for me too. Then I could let all the bitterness I feel go. That would be very nice. I think I'm ready to hear the whole story. I want to listen to what happened. If I can understand how he thought I could do this to him maybe I can find a way to forgive and understand. If I can do that then maybe, eventually I can learn to trust him again. I take a deep breath and kiss Lex on his head. I look into his amber eyes as I scratch his ears with both hands. I really never expected to have this giant furry creature in my life but he's helped me more than I can say. I take a deep breath and stand. I move to the bed and lay down on the edge. I let my arm fall to the side so I can keep contact with Lex. He prefers to stay on the floor not wanting any extra heat that would be generated by snuggling. I fall asleep thinking how I can move forward with a decision once I hear the details.

I wake to the sound of my door opening. Ranger is standing in the doorway unsure if he's allowed to cross the threshold. Lex is standing guard and I smile at the thought of him protecting me from Ranger. I zero in on Ava who is sucking furiously on her fists. She has been held off long enough and it's time to feed her. I get up and take her from Ranger's reluctant arms. He follows me over to her changing table and I make quick work of her diaper and carry her to the rocker. I get us all situated and pause. I give Ranger a pointed look to dismiss him. He doesn't make any move toward the door.

"After she eats she'll probably sleep for about 3 hours. I'll come out when I'm done. I've been neglecting Lex. I want to play with him outside for a little while. He needs to stretch his legs." He doesn't seem interested in leaving so I make it more clear. "I'll be out in about 20 minutes." I repeat and since I haven't made any move to begin feeding Ava, he finally gives in. Ava doesn't understand why I'm waiting and starts to get really frustrated. As the door softly closes, I begin feeding my impatient girl and tell her that I understand her completely.

With Ava all fed and burped, I emerge from the room with Lex following close behind. I go to the way to the front door and get my winter things from the closet. I make sure I have Lex's ball in my pocket and put on my gloves and hat. Ranger catches up with me and asks if I need any help.

"I got this. I'll stay close to the house. I don't think Ava will need anything but stay close enough to hear just in case." I say to him. I open the door and the crisp cool air hits my face and I step out on the front porch. This really is a great place. I remember Ranger offering me his cabin as a safe house once when I was hiding out from the Slayers. I wasn't interested since it was so remote. Now, that is one of the things that I love the most about this place. I walk down the stairs and pick an area that Lex and I can use to play. I'm mindful that we're not in Cape May and this beach comes with a plethora of wild animals that may take an instant dislike to my boy. I pull the ball out and Lex's tail starts wagging. I wave it around before I throw it in the woods. Lex tears after it and has it back to me in no time. I repeat this, throwing it farther each time. I would love to take him on a walk but I don't trust the woods and would be scared we would find trouble, get lost or both. I enjoy the clean air as I fill my lungs. When Lex brings the ball back I switch games to catch. I give him the command and he takes his position as I lob the ball in the air and he jumps to catch it. "Good Boy." I praise him. We play this game for a while and I pretend to chase him. He loves being chased. I would never be able to catch him but he lets me because I scratch his butt. He would do just about anything for that. After about 45 minutes, my hands are numb and the wet cold from the ball has seeped through my gloves. I sit on the porch steps and Lex takes this opportunity to lick my face. I scratch him all along both sides of his body and enjoy the love he shows.

RPOV

I watch out the window as Steph plays with Lex. I can see how in-tune they are. They have a very strong bond and I realize with disgust that I'm jealous of a fucking dog. I close my eyes and mentally process all that has happened today. I spilled my guts to her and she has yet to respond. It takes everything I have to wait patiently. I know demanding an answer or forcing her to talk will end badly for me so I don't have a choice. I have to wait her out.

She comes in from the cold and walks into the kitchen. She replaces the water in his bowl with fresh water from the sink and puts it back on the floor. Lex eyes me warily and doesn't move. I'm irritated that she hasn't given the command for Lex to trust me and I make the mistake of reacting.

"Can you go into the living room for a few minutes?" she asks me, knowing that as long as I'm in the kitchen, Lex won't touch his water.

"Are you ever going to introduce me to Lex?" I ask her in response.

She eyes me warily. "Until I know if I can trust you to be someone who isn't going to try to take my baby away, I have to do it this way."

I snap." "I am not going to take Ava away from you! I say much louder than intended. My mistake is immediately obvious. Steph takes a defensive position and Lex is in front of her growling at me. I hold my hands up as a gesture of surrender.

"Then why haven't you given me the document proving that?" she says with her arms still up in protective mode. I take a deep breath and walk out of the kitchen. Steph and Lex watch me leave and I head to my office and get the paperwork out of my safe. I was an idiot thinking that I could get her to trust me without this. This document is the only reason she's here and I should have recognized that only after I give it to her would I be able to lay the groundwork to build on that trust. I bring the file back in the kitchen and sit it on the island. She looks at it but doesn't make a move.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you." I tell her. "I don't like having to keep my distance from you and the power struggle with Lex is really pissing me off." I open the folder and pull out the first document. "Here is the signed affidavit that acknowledges that Ava is our daughter and that I willingly give up my custodial rights. You are named as her sole guardian." I say as I lift up the first section of papers. "Here is the document that says I will not fight you in the future to have any of this revoked." I add as I pull out the next section. "I made sure there are no loopholes so the wording is rather simple. I don't want you to think that I'm tricking you." I continue as I get to the next section. "I have your names listed as Stephanie Michelle Plum and Ava Claire Plum but if you are using different names, I can have it amended. I also included the paperwork for that account with five million dollars in it. It is yours and you are free to do with it what you want. Even if you never want to see me again, that money is yours. I don't want you to think I'm doing this to buy your trust. I really hope to earn your trust someday but I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't. Make no mistake, I know exactly what I deserve and you and Ava are far too good for me. Please accept this for what it is. Freely given so that you have the security to raise Ava however you see fit."

I need some time to process all that I told her and I make my way to my office and sit at my desk with my head in my hands. I know it was the right thing to do and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I shake my head. I just gave her the documents to walk out of my life. She needs nothing else from me and I'm not feeling very good about this. The things that I offered before: my time and my money, can easily be bought so she can walk away without looking back. I go over what I said again and again. I wish I had made some progress with her but I know now that was wishful thinking. She wasn't going to trust me without the document and I was a fool to think otherwise. I guess we'll see what happens. If she packs her stuff and leaves, I have my answer. If she stays then I have a chance. My stomach is in a knot. My chest feels tight. I briefly wonder if I'm having a heart attack.

SPOV

I stare at the documents long after Ranger leaves. I look down and give Lex the go ahead to drink. I do not feel guilty about keeping Lex between us. Ranger has always had the power to override my defenses and I needed the layer of protection that Lex gives me. I hadn't thought of anything past getting the documents but now that I have them in my hands and that they are signed and official I think about what this means. I run my fingers over the raised seal on the last page. I'm free and it's a great feeling. It means that I don't have to hide and I don't have to fear. I can walk away and not look back but is that what I really want? I watched Ranger with Ava and he seems to really love her. I know that's not a trick. He put his life on the line for Julie so I know that what he would feel for Ava would be similar. I really don't want to keep him out of her life. Ranger hasn't been his normal put together self. He has shown me more emotion in the last 24 hours than I ever thought him possible of. I remember thinking that I preferred Joe's transparent emotions over Ranger's blank face. Seeing Ranger have emotion is very strange. I like it. I like that he gets frustrated and yells. I want to be able to fight with him. It means there's something real between us. That we are worth fighting for. I take a deep steadying breath. I'm ready to hear the whole story. I want to follow the evidence and see what happened to have everyone believing that I would do something so horrible. Decision made. I need to go see Ranger and tell him I want to know what happened.

I knock on the open doorway noticing how he was sitting, unaware of his surroundings, with his head in his hands. Yet one more thing that points to real emotions being on the line here. He looks up at me, a neutral expression on his face. It's not the typical blank face but it doesn't broadcast what is going on in his head.

"I want to know the whole story. I need to hear every detail why you thought I would do such a thing. I don't want you to leave anything out or sugar coat it. I want to follow the evidence so I can understand why you came to the conclusions you did." He nods his head and turns to his computer and wakes it up. He types for a few minutes and the printer comes to life printing the documents he just sent to it.

"It'll take a few minutes. Are you thirsty?" he asks and I nod my head. Ava still has a couple of hours to sleep and we have a lot of ground to cover. "I'll bring everything out and we can spread it out on the kitchen table. It's a lot of information."

I turn from the threshold and walk back to the kitchen and get a bottle of water for myself and Ranger. I have a feeling Ranger will be talking more today than he has the entire time I've known him. I sit at the table and wait for the case to begin. I'm going to try to look at the evidence as if I were an outsider. Not the person whose life was destroyed. I'm mentally preparing myself when Ranger walks in with his laptop and a stack of papers.

"The timeline is here" he gestures to the top page. "but I will add information and explain what was going on when we discuss each plot point."

First, he points to 'Morelli Done?'. "This was my best guess on when you and Morelli called it quits. It was a guess so I added a question mark."

Next on the timeline is 'Sex'. "Here is where we started having sex regularly." he says neutrally, as if he's talking about the weather. I have to suppress an eye roll. We are just getting started and I know there'll be more eye-roll worthy moments.

He looks a little embarrassed when he comes to 'Net Worth'. "This is when you were helping to streamline the office and ran across my net worth. I never wanted you to see it because I never wanted you to look at me differently. Anyway, I put it on the timeline because it looked to be relevant at the time." he says with regret. Knowing what he knows now, he should feel regret. Asshole. I'm having a hard time keeping myself objective so I take a deep breath and let it out slowly trying to detach myself again.

He explains 'JE' next. "Jeanne Ellen made a few comments of note. She said 'anyone with a uterus would trap a man for the right price'. She said that I would make a good prize for you and that I was much more valuable than Morelli. She said that your mom must be pushing us together because of this. She also propositioned me and offered a no strings sexual relationship. I turned her down." he says as if turning her down was easy to do.

"Next is the 'Kelsey interview'. This is also when you shared with me that you didn't like her and your reasoning is the next point, 'Kelsey manipulation'. "This is your comment that she knows how to manipulate because you know how to manipulate men too. You made that comment to me and I included it after I thought the worst about you. None of this was here at first. We were trying to get answers and we filled in details as we remembered them to support our hypothesis."

"Then there is the 'Kelsey Betrayal'. This is your comment to Les where you said that at least she should have been pregnant and how that was an amateur move. I know that some of these comments are taken out of context..."

"It's fine." I interrupt him. "I don't want you to sugar coat this. I want to hear it as you were living it."

"Plus the whole betrayal in general damaged our trust in women."

"This is the beginning of the important part, 'Birth control shot/Doc appointment', Self explanatory." Eye roll.

"Also of note is the 'Fredrickson Takedown/Morelli at your apartment'. This is that takedown that made me cancel our plans. The takedown got screwed up and I came to see you the next morning. When I arrived, Morelli was leaving and said that it was 'my turn' implying that you guys were back together. It was 7:00am. I thought you were cheating on me even though I knew I wasn't offering a relationship or commitment. It wasn't reasonable and I know that now but at the time, I was angry, I was jealous. I started to question why you were allowing a no strings relationship when you had shut me down before. It made me question your motives and your word." he admits. I search my brain and something clicks. Was that the morning I woke up thinking someone had been in my apartment? The morning I decided to get my locks changed? I stay silent. I don't want to interrupt him but I file that info away to think about it later.

"Then there were the 'Strange behavior/Money comments'. Bobby reported from Tyler that you and Lula were discussing marrying me and having my baby as a way to make money," he reports. I look at him funny. I don't recall this and he must have understood so he gave me more context. "I believe he started the conversation with Tyler asking Bobby who Batman was and why you would want to marry him and have his Bat-baby." Realization dawned and I recall the conversation. It really wasn't a conversation as much as me trying to ignore Lula.

"I did not participate in that 'conversation'. It was Lula just being Lula." I say in my defense.

"Another big piece was the 'Loan at The Newark First National Bank'. We didn't find out about this until later and we have since proven it wasn't you," he assures me. Someone impersonating you went into First National and applied for a 10k loan using me as collateral. We still don't know who it was but I have a suspicion. The loan was never approved but there was a chunk of time we thought you had really done that".

"Who do you think it was?" I asked dumbfounded. Why would anyone do this?

"Jeanne Ellen. I had turned her down and she wanted to discredit you. It was all part of the epic clusterfuck that made us believe the worst."

"The next thing we noted was your 'Strange behavior at the beach party'", he says referring to the next item on the timeline. "You were unhappy with me keeping you at a distance. We never really recovered from it so I added it because it went along with the theory that you would take it upon yourself to get more from me."

"I don't want to discuss that. It'll just remind me to be pissed off at you for something else. Continue." I say making a motion.

'The Marcus Sterling Distraction' was listed next. "You told Lester that you should get an academy award for your ability to get men to do and think what you want. At the time, it was one more piece of evidence that proved our hypothesis." He admits. That was hard to hear. I really didn't mean that the way it sounded. I really don't think I can get anyone to do what I want. Maybe a drunken asshole with the promise of sex, but not a normal guy. It was more about me being excited that I was successful and an important part of the team. It was a nice change to pull my weight and not need to be rescued all the time. I was just being obnoxiously confident as compensation for my usual inadequacies. I have to admit, it did sound really bad though.

"This brings us to your 'Point Pleasant trip/Morelli called in sick', here is where you left town without telling anyone. You called the Bonds Office and said you needed time away and it looked like Morelli went with you. I was still upset from Morelli's comment and had just gotten back in town and you left."

"Now for the defining moment, the 'Apartment/Test'. I didn't know at this point that Morelli called in sick and I was concerned about you so I searched your apartment to see if your sudden out of town trip was due to a problem. You typically only go to the beach if it's going to be nice weather and at that time, overcast and rainy was in the forecast. I had no idea how long you were planning on being there and I noticed that you had taken Rex so you were planning on at least a few days. I also noticed that you had only taken casual clothes and not many at that so you didn't plan on staying long. When I searched your bathroom, I saw the test. I was shocked. I didn't overreact at first. I went back to Haywood and started the timeline. At this point, I didn't know if the baby was mine or what you were going to do. I called Tank, Les, Bobby and Hector and we started looking into everything. We checked on Morelli and he didn't go to work that day so we assumed he was in Point Pleasant with you." He adds." Hector hacked into your doctor's office and found that you had no record of having the birth control shot. There was no billing or dictation for it. Only a pregnancy test that was negative. Here is where I went off the rails," he says and I furrow my brow.

I did have the shot. What is he talking about? Did he call the wrong office? Did they hack into the wrong chart? I want to interrupt and get to the bottom of this but he holds up his hand. "Let me finish. I will explain everything. Just know that we hacked into your medical record and there was no record of any birth control. It looked like you lied to me about that and we had been having unprotected sex for a couple of months based on your deception... and I had the records to back it up. It looked like you were setting me up." He stops to take a drink of water before continuing.

"The timeline was filled in, in more detail and all of the circumstantial evidence was used against you. It seemed like we had a very strong case showing your deception and I called my attorney to stand up against anything you were going to demand. My attorney had been bothering me about protecting myself from this type of thing ever since Les and Kelsey. I met with him and he wrote up the offer for me. Like I said, I was off the rails angry, I wasn't able to reason. I put out word that you were no longer under my protection. I assumed the baby was Morelli's since it looked like he went with you to Point Pleasant. You hadn't told me about the positive test and it wasn't a stretch to believe you were trying to use me for money or a shotgun wedding. I was angry with either scenario." He pauses, and it looks like he was going to say more but he doesn't. He takes a deep breath and continues with the timeline.

And then there's just 'Mooner' listed next. "The incident with Mooner wasn't understood until I got the incident report. Initially I thought you were being careless, chasing skips while you were pregnant. My men reported back that you were close to getting arrested but the cops finally believed the eyewitness and that there really was a car that sideswiped you. I didn't realize at the time that it was my order that put you in danger and you were targeted because of that. I was an asshole for issuing the directive to my men to observe and report only and putting word out that you were no longer under my protection. I regret this as well." I frown at this. He was the reason for my car accident? I have to work hard not to react anymore. I need to hear the rest and if I blow up now, I don't know that I ever will.

'The ultimatum'. "I would prefer not to discuss this right now. I don't like to think about how badly I failed here. All I can say is that I'm sorry for not believing in you. I'm sorry for not letting you talk. I'm sorry for the things I said to you. I'm sorry for that whole night and I don't want you to get sidetracked from going over the timeline. I hope to have an opportunity to apologize specifically for all the wrong things I did that night." he says with a catch in his voice. I agree, I don't want to discuss that night either. It was the night that destroyed my world and put me on a new path. I want to move on.

"Go on" I say with an even tone. I want to keep moving.

'The abortion' is next on the timeline and I know this one needs explaining but I'm not about to fill him in on the details of how I pulled this off.

"I don't know what to say. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you would go through with it. I thought with your Catholic guilt that this wouldn't really have been an option for you but we again hacked into the records and saw your procedure notes. I convinced myself that it was Morelli's so I wouldn't have to deal with the thought that you could have aborted my child. I didn't have to deal with that hell until later."

'Apartment vacated' I read. "About three weeks later, I was trying to reconcile what had happened and things weren't adding up. I had questions and I went to your apartment to find you. Mostly, I wanted to know why you went through with the abortion. When I got there, your stuff was packed and I saw my box on the table. I went through it and saw that you were erasing me from your life. You literally left all of me behind and that just added more questions."

The last on the timeline was 'Morelli Lie'. "This is where I started learning some hard truths. I decided to take Morelli's box to him and found him drunk and on administrative leave." That made me raise my eyebrows. I didn't know a lot of this and it is interesting to hear all of it put together. "When I questioned him about your apartment, he said that you were moving in with him. He said you were working for Vinnie. I knew you had given your notice so I questioned him further. He said you guys never broke up and more. I knew he was lying. I persuaded him to tell me the truth and I learned that you had not been involved with him since you broke up with him months before. This is also where I learned that the baby was mine. After this, I went back and looked at the evidence again. You still being with Morelli is what started everything in motion and finding out that it was a lie had me reeling. We had a core team meeting and tried to figure out what happened. No more damaging info was added to the timeline after this. We wanted answers. Ella had made a comment at one of our meetings before that she didn't believe you were capable of this. She couldn't explain the lack of birth control or the abortion but knew you and knew you would never do something like this. She gave me some hard truths. She said that if you went through with the abortion that it would break your spirit. I knew right then that I had to find you. I was feeling responsible for forcing you and I wanted to make sure you had everything you needed to get through it. All I could focus on was that I did this to you. I broke your spirit. I was like a man possessed. I spent every spare minute looking for you. We spent a lot of time searching but you did an excellent job of staying hidden. I was still pissed at you for the deception but I couldn't believe that you deserved to be destroyed because of it." He pauses and takes a deep breath. I have so many questions but I want to hear him out. I still don't know what made him change his mind. I never knew why he thought I was trapping him into fatherhood. I certainly could have screwed up the directions when the shot took effect but I never knew that he thought that I didn't get it done. I have more questions but I hold off when he starts talking again.

"So I kept looking for you. I hadn't decided if I was going to approach you. I told myself that if you seemed fine then I would leave you alone. I was still thinking you got pregnant on purpose." He held up his hand when I started to ask about that. "Let me finish," he says. "I'm getting to that part." I take a deep breath and try to wait patiently.

"About two months later, I received a letter from your Ob-Gyn. It said that there was a recall on the shot you received and you were to use a back up contraception immediately and the drug manufacturer would take responsibility for any unintended pregnancies. Tank read it first and he and Les and Bobby came up with a plan. They gave it to me and while I was reading it, Bobby injected me with a sedative. There was this whole part where I had to talk to our company shrink and I had to come to terms with the fact that you didn't try to trap me and that you had no idea that the shot you got was ineffective. I had to face a lot of facts. One being that you were innocent. Another being that I was responsible for forcing you to abort our child. And then there was facing the fact that we did have a relationship and what my true feelings were. I didn't want to face it but I had no choice. I would have been out of control and my men knew it. After I accepted responsibility, I became even more focused on finding you. The guilt over the abortion was overwhelming."

"Then you probably know the rest. I was at Stiva's for a takedown and saw your grandmother. She was not happy to see me and got in my face. She started shouting and hitting me. She made such a scene that Les had to physically restrain her. That's when her cell phone fell. I picked it up to give it back to her when I saw Ava's photo. I don't remember what happened to your grandmother. I know that I didn't give her phone back to her. I just kept staring at our daughter. I can't describe the emotion that went through me. I was relieved. Mostly I was so fucking relieved that you didn't go through with the abortion. I kept looking at the photo. I memorized every detail of that photo. I know that she has your nose. I know that she has my eyes and my coloring. I know that she looks so much like Julie, it's scary. I had Pedro try to break into the phone but I wouldn't leave it with him nor take the risk that having a hacker have your info. It was never out of my sight. I was hoping that you would call and I could convince you to tell me where you were." He pauses and looks at my face. "I know. I know. That was unrealistic. By the time you called two nights later, I was so relieved to hear your voice that I forgot how big of an asshole I was and how I put you in that position. You weren't very happy that I called you Babe." He says wryly. "I remember being so relieved that you had found a way out. That I could let go of some of the soul crushing guilt knowing that you were both okay." He is reliving this and it's showing on his face. "I'm just so glad that you were strong enough to protect yourself and Ava from me. I'm so sorry that I doubted you. I'm so sorry I did this to you. I want you to be able to forgive me. Nothing else matters to me." He stops as he tries to get a handle on his emotions.

I'm trying to wrap my head around all that he said. All that he has shown me. The emotion is clearly written on his face. The anguish. The regret. He is dangerously close to tears. I don't think I could handle it if he cried. He's laid it all out there. He's made himself vulnerable to me. To my rejection. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I have to process this. Did this change anything? Would I have come to the same conclusion? Would I have thought that I was capable of this if I were him? I don't know. If the situation were reversed, I would like to think that I would have rejected even the thought that he was capable of something like that based on the fact that I know him. He should know me. But, there was a lot of bad evidence. There was Joe who actively deceived him. There was the bank loan. There was the mistake at the doctor's office. I did trick everyone into thinking I had the abortion. If I'm honest, I can see where those things would have been hard to dismiss. He was worried about me before he found out about the shot recall but after my fake abortion. Is this enough to forgive? I look at him. He's searching my face. He's looking to see what I'm going to say. I quickly gather my thoughts so I can speak.

"I don't know what to think. On one hand, you tried and convicted me without a word. On the other, I can see that the evidence against me was pretty convincing. Some of that evidence you shouldn't have. You violated my privacy by hacking into my medical chart and searching my apartment. How would you feel if I did that to you? I don't understand what happened at the doctor's office. You said you hacked into my chart and they had no record of me getting the shot? Then how did they send you a letter of the recall? Why did they send you a letter and not me?" I ask.

"There was some sort of problem. The dictation and billing didn't make it into your chart but the recall letter did go out. It was originally sent to you and was returned. You had already left and your mail was sent back. They eventually caught the error and your notes and billing info was entered. Once they did that a letter went out to me as your POA that they had on file. You do have a case against them and the drug company if you ever want to pursue that. I'm not sure of the exact details but they admitted their fault to Tank. I guess it was just one mistake after another," he says.

"I can appreciate that you have been getting help and that you're sorry. I just don't know if I can forgive and forget this or where to go from here." I admit, not able to look at him anymore. He stays silent so I continue. "I need time to figure out what I want." I say as I get up from the chair. I look at my watch. It's been an hour and Ava's still sleeping. I look back at him, searching him for answers.

"I understand." He says with a nod. "Take whatever time you need."

I quietly slip into my room with Lex at my heels. I lay on the bed and listen to Ava's even breaths. She brings me such peace. I continue thinking about everything that has happened and eventually drift to sleep. I wake when I hear Ava starting to protest. She really doesn't like laying in bed after she wakes up and I hope that changes. I love to lounge in bed after I wake up. It's nice to not have to rush. I get up and go to her crib. She's not crying yet and as soon as she sees me, she smiles. My heart swells. I love making her smile. I have become addicted to it. I pick her up and take her to the changing table. I change her quickly and sit down to feed her. I press on my boobs to see which one I need to start with. I never pictured myself enjoying anything about motherhood, especially breastfeeding, but I really enjoy the bonding we have doing it.

I never thought I would get to the place where I was comfortable with being a mom. I was so scared and I can't wrap my head around how different I am because of it. I haven't thought about my mom in awhile. I'm still really hurt that she could turn her back on me like that. I would never do that to Ava. I really can't see what would make her do that. I finish by burping her and see that she's squirming. She's ready to go. Lex is by my feet and Ava is trying to get to him. He is so patient with her. She reaches for him and he smells and licks her fingers. She smiles. It warms my heart that they have a connection. I can't wait for them to interact more. I hear a soft knock on the door and Lex is instantly on guard. I feel kinda bad that I have to keep him in protective mode. I know Ranger won't hurt me physically but I don't trust myself. I fear I will give in before I have really made a decision. It's been a really long time since I have had any close contact with anyone.

"You can come in. We're ready." I say as I get up. Ranger opens the door and waits while we come out. I notice there is a nice smell coming from the kitchen and comment. "Something smells good."

"It's Ropa Vieja. I wanted to make you my favorite meal." He admits and I'm speechless. Did Ranger just share something personal? I'm busy contemplating that when he adds. "I also have a Tre Leche cake in the oven."

Okay, now I feel like I'm in a twilight episode.

"Who are you and what have you done with Ranger?" I ask with a mixture of caution and lightheartedness. We have all of this drama out there and I don't want to gloss over it but I couldn't help myself.

"I know it's a little late but I want you to know these things about me. I was an ass by keeping you in the dark about me," he says. "I'm going to try to answer all of those questions you asked earlier. I want to share everything I can with you."

I really don't know what to do with this new Ranger. It's a little disconcerting. Okay, it's a lot disconcerting. I admit to myself as I make my way out into the great room. I normally would put Ava down but I decide to keep her close. I'm not sure what to expect from this new Ranger and I want to protect myself.

"Can I help?" I ask as I watch him go back to the stove and inspect the pot that he pulls out of the oven.

"No. Just relax. I noticed that you haven't had any junk food since you've been here. Are you watching what you eat because of the pregnancy?" he asks conversationally, but I know there's much more behind his question. I have been rather tight lipped so far and I feel inclined to give him something. I'm not ready to confess my deep dark secrets but I can give him a little.

"I had gestational diabetes." I admit. "That was really a wakeup call to my very unhealthy eating. I cut out all sugar in the last few months of my pregnancy and I have continued it." I pause before continuing. "Fifty percent of women with gestational diabetes go on to develop real diabetes so I had to make some changes so I don't end up being that statistic." I carefully gauge his reaction and am surprised he doesn't show any outward 'I told you your eating would kill you' kind of response. Instead he just nods his head and focused back on the stove. I flip Ava around so she can see and I walk around pointing things out for her. I kiss her head and bend down so she can see Lex. Her smile makes me giggle. Ranger looks up when he hears me but doesn't comment.

"Lex is really good with her," he comments. "When I was young. I had a dog named Paco. He was a mutt that my younger brother Antonio brought home one day. We begged Mama to keep him and she gave in. He was such a good dog," he finishes almost wistfully. I said almost. Ranger doesn't do wistful. I stand still, shocked for the second time in the last ten minutes. I must have looked funny since Ranger followed up his last sentence with, "I told you I was going to share with you and I meant it." He focuses his attention back on the food and I wander out of the kitchen. I can't handle this. I can handle being angry. I can handle hating him. Both of those are necessary to keep my heart safe from him. I can't handle him being vulnerable. I can't handle this. It's like he's creating an intimate setting by sharing personal information while doing something domestic. I grab a book from the bookshelf and sit in one of the oversized chairs by the windows. Halfway through the book, I notice Ranger has come close to watch us. He doesn't say anything as I read the book using the voices and animation that I usually use. I know I must sound silly but I don't care. Ava likes it and that's all that matters.

"You're such a good mom," he says as soon as I finish the book. I look at him with my brow furrowed. "All that time you said you didn't want kids and look at you now. You're amazing at it."

If I didn't like the intimate stage he was setting in the kitchen, I really didn't like the praise he was giving me now. I decide on a flippant answer. "Well, I had a low bar set so it's easy to exceed expectations."

"You know, I have talked to your grandmother a couple of times. Right before I came here, I stopped to see her. I think she was going to tell them about Ava. I bet they'll feel terrible about how they treated you," he says. I freeze. Oh hell no! I'm not going to sit here and listen to this. I turn to him trying to keep my anger in check.

"I'm not discussing my parents with you. I don't want to hear how sorry they are. This conversation is over." I finish barely keeping my tone civil. I stand up to storm off and Ranger catches me before I can get too far away.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," he says as he rests a hand on my shoulder. I spin off the contact and continue toward my room. "Please don't leave," he says with a touch of desperation in his voice. I stop not believing my own ears. Ranger doesn't do wistful and he sure as hell doesn't do desperation. I AM living in the Twilight Zone. That's the only explanation. I'm so busy trying to wrap my head around this, I almost miss his next words.

"I know I have a lot to be sorry for and so do a lot of others. I don't want to take their punishment but I do feel responsible for how everything went down and if I wasn't such an asshole, none of this would have happened and no one else would be in this position. I want you to stay and yell at me. Or hit me. That would make me feel like I was making up for some of the hurt I caused you. I want you to do anything but walk away. I walked away from my feelings for you and it just caused more hurt. I learned that I needed to deal with it head on. I'm dependent on you. I can admit that now. My happiness depends on you. Just because I wouldn't admit it before, didn't make it any less true. I want you to deal with the hurt that I caused because you need this. You need to make some decisions about your future. About Ava's future. I don't want you to make those decisions when you're still so angry," he says and I start to respond. I have a right to be angry, I think as I work myself up.

"You have a right to be angry. You have a right to hate me...all of us really. But I want you to let it all out. I want to apologize with every step, every wrong. I want to tell you how sorry I am. I want you to get to a place where you can forgive me. I want your forgiveness so badly. More than I have wanted anything in my life. I told you, I have been working with a counselor. He's helped me see that in order to move forward, I had to let some things go. I had to forgive people from my past. Mine were from my childhood. I know you need this too. Even if you walk away from me, I don't want you to still be so angry. At any of us. It will destroy you from the inside out. I wasn't able to form any real relationships because of my anger." He pauses to search my face.

I don't bother to hide my emotions. I suck at that anyway. They're on display for the whole world to see. I take a deep breath to steady my nerves. I don't know what to say to that. I'm not ready to yell at him. To forgive him. It's too much. When I was with Joe, that's all we did. We would run on high emotion. I guess that's all we ran on. Nothing real. No chance of being destroyed when real feelings aren't involved.

"Please Stephanie. Please just yell at me. Tell me I'm an asshole. Something. Just don't run away."

I've lived off of anger for so long that I haven't gotten anywhere near the hurt that I know lives below. Soul crushing hurt that I can't possibly face. I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through it.

"I can't." I say with my head lowered to Ava's head. I take strength in her warm little body in my hands. I breathe in her scent and take her into my room. Lex is right behind me and I close the door without looking at Ranger. I can't bear to see his face. I know what he is asking of me. He is asking for me to bare my soul.

I stay in my room for another 45 minutes playing with Ava. I've had her putting weight through her legs for the better part of that so she's going to be really tired. I hear a knock at my door.

"Dinner's ready."

I want to stay in my room for the night but I need to eat. I get sick if I don't eat regularly plus I need to let Lex out.

I come out a few minutes later and put Ava in the bouncy seat on the table. It's beautifully set and I wonder briefly if he has Ella tucked away somewhere.

"It looks great." I tell him neutrally. Normally, my emotions will take away my appetite but I have found with breastfeeding, I need to eat and nothing stops me from doing so.

I sit next to Ava and Ranger takes the seat opposite me.

"Ropa Vieja is a traditional Cuban food. It's shredded beef, bell peppers, onions and stuffed green olives. It's my favorite food in general even though I may not do it justice. I prefer my grandmother's version over my mother's but I'll deny it if you ever tell her that," he says while he pulls the lids off everything. Besides the main dish, Ranger has prepared a pot of rice and black beans.

"Everything looks and smells great" I tell him and we fill our plates and begin eating. Neither of us speaks and the only noise is Ava sitting in her bouncy chair on the table. "Wow. This is really good" I add after I take my first bite. "The flavors are wonderful and the beef is so tender."

"The secret is cooking the beef slowly. I started it earlier and it's been in the oven for hours on low heat. I also have Tres Leches Cake. It's cooling on the counter," he says, gesturing toward the sink. "I just have to pour the milk on and make the whipped cream topping. I think you'll love this cake. It's also my favorite."

I looked over at the cake sitting on the counter cooling and am intrigued. It is just a plain looking cake. But according to Ranger it's going to get fresh whipped cream. That sounds interesting.

"Who taught you how to make this stuff?" I ask. I was originally trying to maintain indifference. It's really hard to be indifferent to someone who's trying really hard to make amends.

"My Grandmother Isabella. She's my father's mother. She lives in Florida. When I moved down there, I spent a lot of my free time with her. She taught me how to cook and much more. She was good for me. I didn't think so at the time but she gave me a gift. She taught me to be proud of what I do. That was a turning point for me. She's the reason I went into the Army. The reason I turned my life around," he says seriously. "I definitely wouldn't have the life I have if it weren't for her influence." The words hang in the air. I don't want to continue this line of questioning and I don't want to volunteer anything personal about me or my new life so I went the easy route.

"I have to let Lex out. Can you keep an eye on Ava?" I ask. He seems disappointed that I ended our conversation but the emotion was short lived as he looked at her and smiles. I get up and head to put on my layers so that I can take him out. I want to play with him a little and he thumps his tail as I make sure the ball is in my pocket. He knows. He's such a smart boy! I stay outside a little longer than I planned since Lex was having so much fun. He really needs to be exercised more but I'm still nervous about the wild animals. I don't think I could handle it if something happened to him.

I come in to find Ranger pacing the floor with Ava. She is fussy and I feel what her problem is. My breasts are full and hearing her cries, I start to leak. I hold my arms out for her and rush her into my room. I drop my coat on the floor and get her all prepped to feed her. I feel the let down and within seconds she struggles to keep up with the flow.

"I'm so sorry sweetie. You had to wait a long time, huh?" I say, feeling bad. I see Ranger come to the door and he freezes. He's staring at Ava's little face as she is nursing. A few emotions flash on his face and he just stands there watching.

"You're both so beautiful," he manages after a few minutes.

"Haven't you ever seen a baby breastfeed?" I ask, regretting that I'm asking yet another personal question. What is wrong with me?

"No. I ran as fast as I could when my sisters did it," he says, then adds, "when Rachel had Julie, I was deployed. By the time I got back to see her, Rachel had already switched Julie to formula."

The words again hang in the air. I just stare at Ava. She was looking at me with her big wet eyes and got lost. I love this and don't plan on giving it up anytime soon.

"I love being with her like this plus it's much easier. I don't have to prepare a bottle or sterilize anything. I just plop down and whip out my boob." I tell him trying to lighten the mood that has seemed to turn serious again. He doesn't make any move to leave so I try another route. "I do hate that I squirt milk everywhere and I have to wear breast pads or I'll embarrass myself."

"It's amazing that you're doing this. I know it isn't easy and it's a big sacrifice but it's so worth it if you can." So my plan backfired. I'm still not ready to hear his praise.

"Can you shut the door? Ava's not used to hearing anything but me and I don't want her to get distracted." I say to get him to leave. I'm struggling to keep him away but he's trying really hard to break down my walls. Walls I thought were impenetrable. He nods his head and leaves, closing the door quietly. My mind is racing. I don't know what to do with this version of Ranger. This very human version of him. One that says sorry and shares his past. One that shows his emotions and dare I say, is willing to be vulnerable too? Wow. I think to myself. I would have loved to meet this version of him before. I would have jumped in freely and never looked back. Now though, I have someone else to think about. Can I trust that this is real? Is he just feeling guilty and responsibility? What if this isn't real? I don't think I would survive if he pulled his love back again. I just can't risk it.

I finish feeding Ava and I burp her and get her in a dry diaper. She isn't going down for the night yet so I lay her in her crib and turn on her mobile. She will get her bath and her nighttime ritual later. I lay on my bed contemplating what I should do when I wake fifteen minutes later to a little girl sick of staring at her now quiet and stationary mobile. I guess I got tired of contemplating and fell asleep. I leave to get Lex's food and find Ranger with a mug of something over by the windows. He's staring out at the sky that is changing from light to dark.

"Come on Lex, let's get you some food." I tell him. He wags his tail and waits patiently for me to finish my task. I give him the command to eat and I take his half full water bowl and dump it in the sink. Ranger has cleaned up the kitchen and only the cake is sitting on the counter. I get a whiff of it and have to suppress a moan. I haven't had any sweets for a while and I can barely remember the cake I had on my birthday. My new family members are all health nuts and my diabetes diagnosis made me get serious about cutting that stuff out of my life. I refocus on what I'm doing and finish filling Lex's water and put a couple of ice cubes in it. I make the split second decision to introduce Lex to Ranger. I want Lex to be able to relax and there's a good chance that no matter what, Ranger and I can at least be civil to each other. With the legal documentation, I have full custody of Ava so the fear he would take her from me is diminishing. I have already sent a copy to Sarah and she said everything looks good but will run it by her friend. After he finishes eating, I tell Lex to follow me into the living room near Ranger. He breaks his concentration on the night sky and looks at me.

I tell Lex "freund". I don't have to tell Ranger to crouch or hold out his hand for Lex to smell. He already knows what to do. It occurs to me that Ranger probably knows what all of my German commands have been. He has probably been around military dogs enough to know how to act. It made my heart flip when Lex allows Ranger to scratch behind his ears. This is not his favorite thing but he tolerates it.

"Thank you" Ranger says to me but he is still looking at Lex.

"Now you can touch his water and food. He'll listen to you when it's not in direct conflict with my orders. He's protective of Ava so be aware that he'll still be on alert when you're holding her." I inform him.

He nods his head in acknowledgement. He stands and asks, "Do you want some cake? I finished it while you were feeding Ava. Oh, and this is my favorite, so I'm going to be eating some too."

"Sure." I say, still not used to this version of Ranger. I let him lead the way back to the kitchen and lean against the counter as he gets the dishes and utensils we need. He brings them to the table and we sit opposite each other again. I take a bite and the sweet flavors burst in my mouth.

"Wow!" I exclaim. "This is really good." I tell him as I hold my hand over my mouth since I'm still currently chewing.

He smiles. It's quiet and for the first time, we have a comfortable silence. I still have thoughts swirling in my head. I don't know what to think of all that's happened. Would I have believed that of me if the situation were reversed? Would I have acted the same? It's not fair to think that I would be more trusting because I'm a trusting person. Ranger is not. I'm lost in my thoughts when Ranger starts speaking.

"In high school, I worked at the docks. It was purely physical labor and hot. Very, very hot. Summers were brutal. Me and a few other guys I knew worked transferring cargo from the container ships to trucks. We worked hard. I got in really good shape that summer. One guy in particular, Miguel, was a couple of years older than me. He lived in Little Havana and I rode with him most days. He was getting tired of the physical work and started to cut corners and slack off. One day, the DEA raided the dock and Miguel was arrested. He just disappeared. He was charged with a bunch of drug related crimes and transportation of stolen goods. Because of my record, I was let go and my grandmother was livid. She marched into my boss's office and cussed him out. I knew it wasn't going to get me my job back but I appreciated her effort in coming to my defense. After that, I got a job with the city and cut grass and lined athletic fields. I didn't do much with my school as far as extracurricular activities or sports. I just wanted to make money and chase girls." He finishes that last sentence with a half smile. "By the way, my parents' names are Ricardo Carlos and Maria Manoso. I have four sisters named Celia, Elise, Kiara and Catalina. I have a younger brother named Antonio. My college major was undecided and I love being anywhere that you are. I just wanted you to know all that."

I don't know what to say to him. The old me would have asked him about his life then but I wasn't interested in answering questions about me so I don't want to go down that road. Instead I finish my cake in silence. It's rather surreal to have Ranger not only eating cake but sharing personal information. This whole day has felt like that.

"I need to go to a store to get a few items." I tell him.

"Will a Wal-Mart work?" he replies and I nod my head. "There's a Wal-Mart 40 miles from here. We can go tomorrow."

"That's ok. Can I just borrow your car? I need to get Ava a few Christmas presents. I have some things at home but traveling is difficult. I already have enough to carry. I just want her to have presents under the tree."

"I have a lot of stuff for her. I practically bought out the toy section at Wal-Mart already. Believe me, she'll have stuff to open," he says and I'm speechless. I didn't think Ranger thought about stuff like that. I bet I have Ella to thank for this. "Ella didn't buy it, I did," he says, correctly guessing my thoughts. "I have a lot of free time now that I'm not scouring the world looking for you two."

"Not my fault." I answer. "I still want to borrow your car."

"I'll drive, we can all go."

"That's ok. I'll call an Uber. I say defensively. Ranger sighs.

"You can borrow my car," he concedes. "I wanted us to go out as a family, maybe get some lunch," he says, shocking the crap out of me. I give him a strange look. Does he think we are going to ride off into the sunset? No way!

"We're not a family." I say getting angry. "You lost that right when you gave me my ultimatum. We are here for a negotiation. I came here for one reason only, to get a legal document that says you're forfeiting your rights to her. I'm not here to make a family. I already have a new family." Lex is now very much alert and is standing by my side. Ranger is not deterred by him and begins to stand.

"Are you married?" he asks me bluntly.

"Not your concern." I counter.

"If you're married, it is very much my concern. Anyone that's around my daughter is very much my concern." He says, raising his voice.

"You don't have a daughter. I have a daughter. You just donated your DNA. You..."

"NO!" He screams, making me pause and Lex growl.

"It's okay Lex. I'm okay." I say trying to calm everything down. "Relax", I say looking at Ranger. "I'm NOT married. I'm NEVER going to get married. I learned my lesson." I tell him before I get up and walk into my room with Lex following closely behind me. When I close the door, I lean my body back against it and close my eyes. I really need to get off this emotional roller coaster. I try my deep Lamaze breathing exercises and feel myself calm. I sink down to the floor and let Lex lay his head in my lap. I pet his neck at his collar, his second favorite place to be scratched.

I stay in my room the rest of the evening playing with Ava. We play until it was time for bath and bed. I am mentally exhausted by the time Ava shows signs of tiring. It is close to midnight and we are ready except I have to let Lex outside one last time. I carry Ava in her pajamas and stride into the kitchen. The chances of seeing Ranger are strong so I steel myself for a confrontation. I'm surprised to find him in the same place he was earlier. He seems to not know I'm there but I know better. He is always aware of his surroundings. I let Lex out and stand by the kitchen door.

"I'm sorry," he says, interrupting the silence. "I thought I would be fine just knowing that you're okay. but it hasn't worked out that way. I want you. I want both of you and I can't stop. The thought of losing you both now is too much. I'm throwing myself at your mercy. You have all the power here. You and you alone. I'll do whatever you want me to do. I'll do it if it means you can forgive me. I'll even walk away if that's what you want me to do. What do you want Stephanie?"

I continue to stare out the window. What do I want? I ask myself. If I'm honest then I want to go back in time and fix that stupid doctor visit. I wouldn't change having Ava but I would change the circumstantial evidence that led Ranger to believe I was tricking him. Even Joe's part in this whole mess. He went out of his way to sabotage us. I told him I was going to pursue Ranger and he actively sabotaged us.

Since I can't go back, I have to decide what I want. Where do I want to go from here?

"I need to think about that." I tell him. "A lot has happened and I have Ava and my new life to consider." I look at him and see him nod. It's dark inside but he's lit by the outdoor lights shining in. It really is peaceful here. I can see how this would be a great family vacation but we are not that family. Far from it. I need more time to figure out what I want. What Ava and I need from him. My thoughts are interrupted by a bark at the back door. I let Lex in and we head back to my room but I pause. "Say goodnight to your daddy." I tell Ava. He reaches for her and hugs her close. He whispers Spanish in her ear and gives her a kiss just below. It must have tickled her because she smiled. I take her back and beeline back to the protection of my room. When I see him interact with her, I feel my defenses shake. I have to stay strong and keep a level head. I can't risk losing myself again. It almost destroyed me last time. I go to sleep and Ava gives me three hours as usual. In the middle of the night, I feed and change her quickly and get back to sleep without much trouble.