A/N Everything you recognize belongs to Janet Evanovich. Thank you to Kathy's amazing beta skills, Heather for all her sound advice and encouragement and Lisa who did a little of both! A huge Thank You to the readers, you guys make all the hard work worth it!

~Chapter 25

***Dec 25

The morning dawned at 3:00am but I was able to get Ava back to sleep by 4:00. It dawned again at 7:30 am and she seemed ready to stay awake until she ate again. Her schedule is pretty regular and I'm really lucky. "Merry Christmas little girl." I whisper to her right before I kiss her head. I had put her in her baby's first Christmas PJ's after her bath last night and I plan on keeping her in them as long as she doesn't spit up or soak through them. Here's hoping, I say to myself, crossing my fingers. I finish our feeding routine and wander out into the living room. The tree is lit and filled with presents. My eyebrows shoot up.

"Merry Christmas." I hear from the kitchen. I smell coffee and bacon. My stomach responds.

"What is all this?" I ask, gesturing to the presents.

"Santa came. I guess you guys were good this year."

"Ranger. You shouldn't have done this. I can't carry any of this back home and I have no room for it anyway," I say and see a flash of sadness on his face.

"I want her first Christmas to be amazing," he says.

"She won't even remember it." I counter and instantly feel guilty. He's doing something really nice and I'm 'bah humbugging' it.

"I guess we'll just have to take video and photos so she'll be able to look back on it," he says, not deterred in the slightest.

I sigh and give in. "Thank you." I say and leave it at that.

The morning is filled with opening presents for Ava. She is no help whatsoever. It takes hours. And she fell asleep halfway through. We take breaks to eat and breaks to take care of Lex. I hide his presents and give him the search command and he finds them in seconds. He's an amazing tracker. He also takes issue with the discarded wrapping paper and pounces on big piles. We figure out that he only pounced to uncover his new toy. I guess he didn't like not being able to see it. I got that on video too.

Several times throughout the morning, I have to pause and remember why we're here. Everything feels so surreal. I could easily get caught up in the whole family dynamic. It makes me want this. I have to remind myself that this isn't real. This is Ranger. This is such a change from the hard man that made me cry back in May. Where is that part of him? Is he going to resurface? I'm planning on leaving tomorrow. How will he take that? Will he let me leave? Panic starts to rise. What if he tries to keep us here? I take a deep breath. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have two people that will sound the alarm if he tries anything stupid. I have thought of every contingency. I just need to enjoy Christmas morning with Ava and Lex and then figure out what I want from Ranger. I probably have a better chance at solving a Rubik's cube than that last one. Both are darn near impossible for me, so I go with enjoying Christmas with Ava and Lex.

There are just a few presents left under the tree and I see that they are the ones I have for Ranger and my name is on the rest. I wish he hadn't bought me anything. I don't want anything from him, at least not anymore. This makes me think of how generous he's always been with his money and how he was never generous with his heart, the only thing I ever really wanted.

I have him open his first. He opens the infant carrier and smiles. "She'll love this." He says.

"No matter what, I want you to bond with her. I want you to have a good relationship with her." I say and look down. I can't make him any promises and I hope he knows this is all I can do right now. Until I can forgive him and let go of my anger, I can only offer him a little piece of Ava.

"Your turn. Open this first. It's not really a Christmas gift. You'll see." he says and I start to open it. It's big and heavy. When I get it open, I know instantly what it is. I feel like I can't breathe. It's all the stuff from his box when I left Trenton. I see all the guns and jewelry. Even that stupid loose diamond. The one he gave me from leading what's her face to the stolen gems. I was at a turning point in my life and struggling to find my purpose. That stupid diamond made me feel like I was worth something. Like I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. I close the box before the emotions spill over. I take a deep breath and blink back the tears.

"Here is the last one for you." I tell him and wait as he opens it. He pulls the photo album out and slowly looks through each page. There's only about 20 pictures but it shows her ultrasound photo, her birth and her first time on the beach. I even got one of her by the ocean. She's all bundled up and the water is swirling around her carrier. The one of her curled up by Lex is one of my favorites. I got a few with her smiling including the one on grandma's phone as her screensaver.

"I love it," he says, his voice filled with emotion. The more he looks through the book, the sadder he seemed.

"I'm sorry, I thought you may want to see..." I begin.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm just trying to deal with how much I've missed. I missed the whole pregnancy. I missed going to the ultrasound visits. I missed her birth. I missed so many firsts with her," he says, his voice getting softer with each sentence.

"You're here now and I don't want to keep you away from her. I know how much you love Julie and how much better Ava will be with her dad being in her life," I say, but that doesn't seem to make him much happier. "Do you want some water?" I ask, getting up to go into the kitchen. I need a break from these heavy emotions.

"No. I'm fine." In the kitchen I get a bottle of water from the fridge. I drink half before I go over to peer out the kitchen door. I can see the ocean from here and it looks angry. The sky is gray like there's a storm coming. Maybe we'll get some snow? I finish the water and go back to the living room.

"You have a couple more," he says and I sit down by the tree. He hands me the next box and it's the size of a shirt box but it doesn't feel like clothes. I open it as he remains silent. I pull off the lid and in it are file folders. The first one is labeled 'Last Will and Testament'. I look at him questioningly.

"I wanted you to have a copy. You are my main beneficiary. I've set up a trust for both Julie and Ava and some of my shares go to my core team but you have everything else," he states as if it's nothing.

"I can't take this. Your family should have this."

"You are my family," he says simply. "You may not have my name but you have my heart."

"I can see leaving something for Ava but..." I trail off.

"It's up to me and I have chosen to leave it to you."

I take a breath. I don't know how to deal with this. It's too much.

"I can't do this." I say and run to my room. I haven't even figured out what I want and he's pressuring me. I throw myself on the bed and cry. I let all of the emotions out. Everything is at the surface and I have been thrust between emotional highs and lows since I got here. I knew this was going to be hard but I had no idea it would be like this.

I wasn't able to stay in my room very long. Ava woke starving and she will not be pacified by her fists. I hear a gentle knock at my door. I didn't need the knock, Ava's cries tells me exactly what she needs and my breasts respond. I open the door and Ranger hands me Ava and the Boppy. I take both and close the door. I need more time to pull myself together. I'm not a pretty crier and I'm sure the evidence is still very visible on my face.

Ava taken care of and my face calming down, I go out to the living room and see that Ranger has picked up everything. All the empty boxes are cleared and the presents are in nice little piles all ready to be assembled or played with. I sit with Ava and let her look at the toys. It seems to me, she likes the colorful musical toy that has shapes that light up. I can't be sure since she's so young, but it seems to hold her attention more than anything else. I show her how to use her fist to start the lights and sounds. She can't do it on her own but she seems mesmerized. I continue to help her since she won't have the muscle control to hit the buttons for a while yet. I even call Lex over to get him to use his nose to touch a button. I praise him when he does it. All the time I'm playing, Ranger just watches. He doesn't say anything. Normally I would assume it was that he doesn't want to share his feelings, now I'm not so sure. Now, he probably doesn't know what to say to me. That's okay, I don't know what to say to him either.

"I have one more gift for you but it's really for you and Ava. I had another one but I'll give that to you later. I'm afraid it'll make you cry again," he says as he walks closer to give me a small box. I try not to think about what could be in it. Hopefully this one won't make me cry.

I pull off the paper and see nestled in the cotton two matching gold necklaces. One says 'Mother' and the other says 'Daughter'. "They're beautiful." I say. The fancy script makes them look really elegant. "Thank you."

RPOV

I stare at Stephanie as she puts the necklace on. I'm ready to offer my assistance but as a true Jersey girl, she can handle hair, makeup and jewelry like a pro. That thought makes me smile. I'm amazed at how many emotions have surfaced. I have bottled my emotions for well over a decade and they seem to have surfaced all at once since I've been here.

I think about the files she didn't see. Under my will, I have my POA listing her as my next of kin. She freaked at the Will so I regret not putting the POA on top. I hope nothing happens to me if she decides to stay hidden from me. The last document was my plan for scaling back my government contract and work responsibilities. I want to let her know that we can move anywhere she wants. I can either work remotely or work out of any office since she may not want to go back to Trenton, at least not in the near future. My last gift is the wedding rings that I borrowed and used in Hawaii. I couldn't bear to turn them back in and ended up buying them. I don't want to put that much pressure on her so I held back that gift. I feel like I'm in limbo. I know we have done some of the difficult ground work but a lot is still unsettled. I wish I could have gotten her to yell at me. Any reaction is better than nothing.

The opposite of love isn't hate, mi Nieto. It's indifference. My Grandmother Isabella told me that when I first got to Miami. I owe a lot to her. She tried to help me understand why my parents sent me away. It was a difficult time and I certainly hated my parents for doing it. It was then that I came to terms with that saying. My Grandmother told me that so I would understand my reaction wasn't that I didn't love my parents but I was angry with them and that they sent me to Miami because they loved me. What she didn't know was that my mother sent me to Miami, not my father. He wanted me to stay in New Jersey and serve my time. After that, he settled into indifference showing me exactly what he thought of me.

I watch her go over to Ava and put on her necklace too. She hands me her phone and has me take a photo of them. I have them stand in front of the tree and even get Lex in one. The mood seems to have lightened and we go back to playing with Ava until she shows signs of fatigue.

When Ava falls asleep, Stephanie naps too. I'm not used to sleeping so much so I go to my office to see if I can catch up on some work. After that, I place several calls to work and my family. I give them a short update on what's happening.

My calls to Tank and my Mama are hard. I tell them that she's listening to me but hasn't come to a decision yet but that she seems to be open to letting me see Ava. They agree that was the best we could hope for. They know more than anyone how my life has been for the better part of seven months and how hard I've worked to get my head out of my ass. I barely recognize myself. I can't stand to sit and contemplate my life anymore so I get up and make my way to the kitchen. I pull out one of the casseroles that Ella had sent with me. It's an obvious attempt by Ella to lure Stephanie in. Ella didn't know about her dietary restrictions during her pregnancy so I hope Stephanie will like it. Normally anything with cheese would be a guarantee but now, I'm not so sure. So much has changed.

I pull the dough out of the fridge and put it in the oven too. It's hard to resist fresh homemade bread. With dinner taken care of, I peek in on the girls. Ava is sleeping peacefully in her crib. Stephanie is laying face down on the bead with her right arm dangling off the edge. Lex was lying just below her fingertips. He picks up his head, staring me down. I ignore him. I don't advance. I don't want to risk waking either of them. I step just inside the door and slide myself down the wall. I stare at Stephanie and what I can see of Ava in between the slats of her crib. Lex lays his head back down, satisfied that I mean them no harm.

I sit there for thirty minutes staring at my life. Thinking how little control I have of my happiness. I hear the timer in the kitchen beeping and I slowly get up, gaining the attention of Lex. I close the door behind me as I make my way out, trying to minimize the click of the door.

In the kitchen, I pull the casserole and bread out of the oven. While it cools a little, I get the salad that I had prepared for lunch and set it on the counter. I go to Steph's door and open it. She's not on the bed and I hear whispering coming from the bathroom. I walk to the crib and stare at Ava. I look at her with the same awe I did when I saw Julie for the first time. I can't believe how much she looks like her. I want to be there for her. I want to do all the things I didn't want to do when Julie was this small. The sacrifices I wasn't ready to make. I'm ready now. I'm a different person now and I want different things.

I hear the whispering stop and I know Steph is about to catch me in her room. Her personal space.

She seems startled when she comes out and a look of irritation crosses her face. She gestures for me to follow her out of the room. Probably so she can yell at me without waking Ava. I will make no apology for wanting to be near them. Lex and I dutifully follow her out of the room. She doesn't stop until she's by the kitchen door and she opens it to let Lex out. He hesitates for a second maybe wondering if he needs to help her drag my lifeless body out for burial.

She spins around with anger clearly visible on her face. "Were you eavesdropping?" she asks, not beating around the bush.

"No. I came in to wake you for dinner." I tell her simply.

"So listening to my conversation was just a side benefit?" she asks, still upset.

"I couldn't hear anything, just intermittent whispering. I was watching Ava sleep. Turns out, she gives me peace too." I say and that seems to take some of the heat out of her.

"Why didn't you knock?" she asks, still trying to determine if there's something to be mad at.

"I didn't want to wake Ava. Dinner's ready and you and I can eat hot food if Ava stays sleeping for a little while longer." I tell her and that seems to satisfy her. She looks at her watch.

Gathering the silverware and dishes, I turn to set the table and do it with practiced efficiency. She looks out the window, probably trying to keep an eye on Lex. "What do you want to drink?" I ask.

"Milk please," she answers and I hear her open the door for Lex. I finish gathering our drinks and hold the chair out for her. I catch the scent of her shampoo and I freeze. Having her this close is torture. I want to hold her until the past doesn't matter anymore but I know I can't. I also can't discuss anything about our future so I stick with topics that are safe.

"Ava smiles in her sleep." I say. "I read a few books about babies and they said that it's their neurological system developing."

She looks at me curiously. "Yeah, I read that too. I like to think that she's happy though. Some of her smiles are not just her little body firing neurons without her input."

That makes me smile. I like the thought of Ava being happy. No matter what happens to me, I want Steph and Ava to be happy. I choose not to think about the 'no matter what' option. I don't want to ruin my appetite so I continue talking about Ava.

"Is motherhood what you thought? You seem to be handling it like a pro." I say and she contemplates my question.

"I guess it's easier and harder all at the same time." She pauses to take a drink. "When I would look at other people, I saw stressed out parents and unruly kids. I never saw the really great parts. The parents would say how amazing it was in between yelling at the kids or showing me how hard it is. Don't get me wrong, it's hard, physically, but it's also very rewarding. It's different when it's your own, that's for sure."

"I can see that. I know I have Julie but I'm not there for the day to day struggles. I know with my nieces and nephews, I was only interested when they were old enough to actually play and I gravitated more toward Nerf guns and sports. I was never into holding babies. I didn't get to do that much with Julie. I was deployed for most of the time she was really little, and then when Ron came into the picture, I guess there wasn't a reason to. She became more like a niece. It wasn't until Scrog that we even took the time to get to know each other. I know it's my fault, I'm the adult but... I guess I don't have any real foundation for her. I want that with Ava. I want to be involved. I want to be a part of her life. I want to know what makes her smile. I want to make her face light up when she sees me..." I say letting my words trail off and hang in the air. I want Steph to know that I want to be around for Ava. However she'll let me. I see lots of emotion cross her face. She takes a deep breath.

"I can't believe this is you. You have changed so much." she comments, letting more emotions flash across her face. If I'm honest, they are not favorable emotions. This is not excited or hopeful. This is worry and skepticism.

"I have changed. I'd like to think I've grown up. I'd like to think I'm ready to take on my responsibilities and am ready to form healthy relationships. Whatever you are ready for." I add. Conversation stalls and I use that time to pick up the empty plates. Steph gets up and helps me clear the table. I pack up the leftovers and put them away. We work together and get everything cleaned up. I have one final plea for her. I want to get this out before I lose my nerve.

SPOV

"Steph, wait," he says as I start to walk back into the living room. "I want to make you a promise. I'll do whatever you want me to do. I'll fight for you and Ava. Fight to be with you. Or I'll walk away even though it will be the hardest thing that I'll ever do. Just say the word and I'll leave you both alone. All I ask is that you make sure it is truly what you want. Don't make your decision on hate or anger. I know I deserve them but I'm asking you to forgive me first and then make your decision." I pause thinking about what he's said.

"I think I've already forgiven you," I say to him. I'd been thinking about that very thing before I walked out of the bathroom to find him there, standing over Ava's crib. Of course it was forgotten when I thought he was eavesdropping but I don't want to revisit that. "I no longer feel the anger and hatred I felt before. I know you had some hard evidence that would have been difficult to ignore," I say as I close my eyes. "I thought about the Ramos case and knowing that the evidence saying you killed him was planted. I knew you wouldn't have done that. But, would I have believed it if I had found the evidence myself from multiple legitimate sources? You had no reasonable reason to not believe the Doctor's office. No billing or notes? There is no motive for that. Plus, you were actively misled by Joe. I take some ownership in that fiasco. We were on and off so much even I couldn't keep track. He really hurt my credibility by what he said to you. Plus everything with Les, and even Tank. Lula tried to trick him too." I say with a touch of incredulousness. "I didn't help when I was scrounging to get money for Val. Someone impersonating me to get a loan is hard to ignore. It was a massive amount of circumstantial and hard evidence all pointing to one thing." I tell him. "I do think you are at fault in regard to how you got some of that info. You violated my privacy 100%. You have control issues. You acted without getting my side of the story. You abandoned me." I say and he gives me the courtesy of looking ashamed.

"I did all that and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Steph. I would change it all if I could. My control issues and not letting people close is something I'm working on. All of this was my fault. You didn't do anything wrong," he responds with feeling.

"I don't know where I want to go from here. I say we start slow, build trust. I have responsibilities now and not just Ava. Where I'm living..." I tell him trailing off. "I have to return. People are counting on me. When I get back, I'll call you and we can set up a time and place to meet. I expect that you won't violate my trust and you'll respect my privacy. Like I said, we can start slow and see how it goes." I say and give him a smile.

I feel like we have made a lot of progress. If he's expecting more, he doesn't show it. He does seem like he's holding back, like he wants to give me a hug and God help me, I want one. His hugs make me believe all is right in the world and I haven't had that in a really long time. I decide that I would make the first move and I step into his space. I press my face against him and automatically, his arms come up to hug me tight. I savor the feeling at this moment knowing we probably have a lot of difficult days ahead. I feel the tension leaving my body and don't even realize I'm crying until I feel the wetness on his shirt. He leans down and picks me up carrying me into the living room and sits on the couch with me on his lap. I start to protest and he just says, "please". One of his hands comes up to hold the back of my head as he kisses my hair. I breathe in his scent accepting the feeling of peace he's emanating. We stay like this until we hear Ava waking up. She hasn't gotten to full volume yet but I know it's just a matter of time. I go to get up and Ranger reluctantly lets me. I bring Ava back out into the living room and get her ready to eat dinner. Ranger stays quiet, just content to be with us.

As I feed Ava, I'm struck by the thought that this new Ranger is a stranger to me. He's so different from the man in black I used to know. Is this Carlos? The man behind the mask? The man that makes mistakes and has emotional baggage. The human being. He's not the superhero Ranger. Carlos is the one I wanted. As impressed as I am at my own personal Batman, I always longed for who he was underneath. He just kept himself hidden from me. From everyone. How lonely that must be. I have a lot to process but I know we have turned a corner. We can start as equals. Him always being my superhero isn't the best way to start a lasting relationship and because of Ava, we must form a lasting relationship. Another thought occurs to me. Did I break Batman? With all of these emotions, how can I expect him to be this badass on the streets while he has a diaper bag over his shoulder?

I look at him, worried.

"What is it?" he asks and I don't know how to phrase the images flashing through my head.

"How can you be Ranger on Stark and Carlos to me and Ava? Won't that hurt your image, your business?"

"That's something we can discuss. I realized that I need you in my life and I'll sacrifice everything for you," he says and my heart flutters.

"I don't want you to give up your life. You've worked so hard. You're so good at it. You have a lot of people depending on you. I don't want to change you." I say emphatically.

"I've already changed. I want you and Ava more than Stark Street. I want to scale back my dangerous field work, I don't want to put you or her at risk anymore than I already have. We can figure out the details later. I just want you in my life."

I stop to think about this part. What it means. I can't help but feel guilty. I resented Joe for trying to change me. Will Ranger resent me for changing him? Will he wake up in five years, ten years and regret giving up badass Ranger? I'm torn between the two personas that he has. I don't know how badass Ranger and Carlos the father can coexist.

"It'll be okay," he assures me. "I want this. I want you. Believe me, I was perfectly happy with my head up my ass but now that it's not there anymore, I can't imagine going back to that."

I let his words sink in. I don't know how this is all going to turn out but for the first time in my life, I'm going to act like a mature adult and forgive when I can, put up boundaries when I can't and try for what I want. God knows I want the happily ever after but I'm realistic enough that I know I'm not living in a fairy tale. I know I'll have a lot of work cut out for me. I have forgiven him but I still don't trust him. I haven't forgotten. I need to take everything slow and as long as he respects me we can move forward.

"Okay. So here's the deal. I have no desire to keep you from Ava. I'm going to trust that you are not going to take her and disappear. You have upheld your end of the agreement so far so I'm going to lay out the ground rules for us to move forward. One, I'm not going to Trenton and neither is Ava," I say and Ranger looks like he wants to interject. "Not. Negotiable." I add, to shut him up. "Two, you do not get to track me, spy on me, run searches on me, anything like that. If you want to know something, ask me. If I don't want to tell you then you don't get to know. Three, we are not picking up where we left off. Your relationship was with Stephanie Plum and she's gone. Four, your work is a top priority and I will not be the reason it suffers." I notice him scowling at that but I continue. "Five, isn't a rule. It's more of a consequence. If you don't respect my privacy or if you break my trust, you are done. You walk away. Can you live with that so far?"

I look into his eyes to measure his response. I have on occasion noticed subtle changes in his eyes. His face isn't expressionless but it is still far from displaying his emotions. He stays silent and I wait for him to speak. In the past, I was always the first to fold. I have this incessant need to fill the silence. Not anymore. I have become accustomed to spending time alone with my thoughts or with only Lex to comfort me. I'm stronger now. I stand my ground, I wait him out.

He breathes deeply like he's acknowledging my standoff or he's seriously considering my rules. "I don't like the part where I can't track you. I feel that's an easy way to keep you safe. However, I understand them. I don't want to, but I will agree to your terms. It'll be hard for me. I don't give up control to just anyone ... but I will to you. I promise. I will respect you and give you your privacy," he states as if it were a pledge and for the first time in a long time, I'm hopeful that I can move forward with him. My shoulders sag with all of the emotional stress our conversation created. We are past our first hurdle. Now we can determine a path forward.

"I have to go back home, like I said, I have responsibilities and I can't let them down. I will call you. Keep Grandma's phone and I will forward the calls from it to your phone. I will call you after my schedule settles down a bit" I tell him and he nods his head. He had relaxed a bit after our conversation and now he's tense again.

I get a little sensitive when I feel like he's angry that I won't take his word and give him my new information. I straighten my shoulders and let irritation seep into my voice. "I know you. Believe me, I've lived with you tracking me for years. You're not going to give that up easily. We wouldn't even be here if you wouldn't have hacked into my medical records violating my privacy. If you would have asked me, I would have confronted the doctor's office and straightened this out the next day. I would have set you straight about Joe and we wouldn't be in this situation at all."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I know I deserve this. I just have this need to keep you safe and to know that you're alright."

I work to calm down. I'm just being defensive. He's saying the right things. I just have to give him the opportunity to prove it. Then I'll be able to trust him again. I know I'm extra sensitive and I know that I still have an excess of hormones circulating in my body. I can go from tears of happiness to tears of sadness in a matter of seconds. I hate being this out of control. If only emotional swings counted as cardiovascular exercise. If so, I'd be an Olympian.