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Gone With the Wind

Pony opened his eyes, his whole body jerking out of sleep, but he immediately knew he wasn't on the floor in the corner of Darry's bedroom anymore…he was in bed. His bed. Had Darry carried him to bed after what had happened? Had they found him there and thought he was a coward? For a moment, he almost thought it had been a nightmare. In the warm light of the morning that streamed in through his curtains, it felt impossible. Hell, ridiculous. Laughable. People didn't live the same day twice, and random greaser kids didn't get chances to fix their mistakes. Look at Dally. Or Johnny.

Neither of them would ever make a mistake again.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the pain of it hitting him fresh. They were dead. Because of him. Everyone had to be thinking it. Steve already didn't like him, but he'd hate him for sure now. No way Two-Bit would ever want to hang out with him again. He didn't think Darry had wanted to get rid of him anymore…he'd realized in that hospital how much his brother actually loved him. But now…now that might all be ruined. Pony couldn't get along with him and he stayed out too late and could never keep track of time and now he'd done this.

And instead of going with them to try and help Dally, he'd hid in the house like a coward. That's how they'd all see it.

Beside him, Sodapop was sound asleep, the blankets pulled up to his ears, his face turned the other way, and Pony smiled a little. He still had Soda. He'd always have Soda. He didn't know if it would be enough…if the others would ever forgive him for all this, but at least one of his brothers wouldn't hate him.

Climbing out of bed as quietly as he could, Pony pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and headed to the bathroom, figuring since it was Saturday, he could make breakfast for Darry before he went to work at the warehouse. Johnny and Dally were both dead, but Darry still had to work like an old man.

Not for long, Pony swore to himself. He'd get a job when he turned sixteen. He'd work as much as he could and help out, and maybe then Darry could quit working on the weekends. And maybe…maybe he'd get a scholarship and get into a good school. Get out of this neighborhood and give Darry the chance to do the same. Johnny had told him to stay gold. He didn't know what it meant, not really, but he'd read that poem again and again to figure it out until he could do it. He'd push all that sadness and pain down because that's what they did and that's the only way he could think of to survive.

He'd find a way to make up for it. All of it.

Ponyboy's thoughts were cut off abruptly when he caught sight of himself in the bathroom mirror, his own reflection bringing him up short.

There was no gauze taped to his head. No bruise around his eye where he knew a soc had punched him. No split lip from the blow he'd taken right in the mouth. Come to think of it, when he looked down at his hands, they were whole, not a cut or a hint of busted skin in sight.

Hands shaking, he gripped the sink, staring into his own green eyes and feeling his breath come in short, pained gasps.

It was happening again.

No.

Fuck no.

Not again.

Just like the night before, the one that apparently hadn't happened, he backed up until he hit the wall, then slid down it, sitting on the floor right beside the door he hadn't bothered to shut.

This didn't make sense. Hell, it hadn't made sense the day before but it really didn't make sense now. Why was this happening? How was this happening? What had he done? Who the hell was doing this? Pressing his hands firmly into the floor, he tried to ground himself…to focus on the room around him, wondering if this could be a dream. But it felt too real to be a dream! A dream wouldn't be this detailed! He could see an old toothpaste cap and a clump of dust behind their toilet! He wouldn't dream that! Chest growing tight, he pinched the skin of his arm between his fingers as hard as he could, wincing when it hurt. Could he dream pain like that?

He didn't know how long he was in there, pinching his skin until it was red, before their front door slammed. Who would be slamming their door on a day like this, he wondered before abruptly remembering that it was the same day. Johnny wasn't dead yet. Dally either. They were both alive for one more day and somehow he had to do it all over again. Just the thought made his headache from the day before come back with a vengeance.

It wasn't possible. It wasn't real. He had to be dreaming or in a coma or dead or something!

"Jesus Christ, kid! What the hell are you doing!" Steve barked, making him jump, his eyes darting to his brother's buddy who'd recoiled from him, probably on his way to fix his hair and steal some of their grease when he'd about stepped on him. When he didn't reply, Steve leaned in, snapping his fingers in his face. "Ponyboy? What are you doing?" he asked again, voice a little softer this time, and Pony heard footsteps that he assumed belonged to Two-Bit.

"Do you remember yesterday?" Pony asked, not able to hide how desperate and terrified he felt. Steve just looked at him like he'd lost his mind, then reached down, smacking the hand that was still pinching his arm.

"Stop that! What's the matter with you?"

Ponyboy looked down, flinching a little at the vicious looking red spot that would most definitely bruise by the next day. Not that it mattered, apparently…there wouldn't be a next day. The thought made him want to laugh…or scream. "What day is it?"

"Pony?" Two-Bit asked from behind Steve. Pony couldn't see him, but he could hear the concern in his voice. "What's going on?"

"What happened yesterday?" he asked again, sounding scared like a little kid, but he couldn't make himself care if they thought he was a baby…not if they could give him answers.

"It's Saturday. You and Dal and Johnny saved those kids from the fire. In that church y'all were hiding out in. Johnny and Dal both got hurt," Steve told him, talking slow like he might be losing it or something. "They took you to the hospital. Johnny and Dal are still there."

Pony dropped his eyes, staring down at his hands. It was true. How could it be true?

"You like to killed Darry and Soda, you know that? I ain't never seen them so scared. What the hell were you thinking, Ponyboy, running off like that?" Surprisingly, Steve sounded more concerned than angry.

"Get up, kid," Two ordered, shouldering Steve aside and reaching out a hand that Pony took after a minute, letting him pull him to his feet. "I know y'all keep this house real clean, but I still wouldn't sit on the bathroom floor."

Ponyboy couldn't even try to smile, and after a moment, Two-Bit dropped his too.

"Ponyboy? What's going on?"

There was no way to explain…nothing he could say. They wouldn't believe him if he told them he was just living the same day over again, and even if by some miracle they did, he didn't think it would make a difference. What could they do about it? So he just shook his head. "Nothing."

"You sick or something?"

He nodded, figuring that was as good an excuse as any. "I'm going to take some Aspirin."

Neither of them stopped him, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Soda emerging from their room. Steve went over to him, keeping his voice real low, so Pony hurried to swallow four of the pills with a glass of water. He needed to think…needed to focus, and he couldn't do that with Two-Bit hovering over him and Steve and Soda whispering in the other room, so he grabbed a cigarette from a pack someone had left on the kitchen counter and went out the back door, sitting on the porch and taking a long, desperate drag as he watched the sun rise.

Johnny wasn't dead. Not yet. But he would be. Dally too. He'd watched them both die, and right after Dally had been shot, he'd said it was his fault…he'd thought about how his brothers would hate him and that he'd never forgive himself and that he wanted to fix it. That was still true…of course it was true! But how was he supposed to fix it from this day? Johnny was already hurt! Could he talk to Johnny more? Try and…what? Convince him not to die? He wasn't a doctor or anything, but he was pretty sure it didn't work like that. Not in real life.

Then again, was this even real life? He hadn't exactly ruled out him going crazy or being in a coma or something. He was pretty sure he'd passed out that night after Dally had been shot. Maybe he was unconscious in a hospital or something. But how could dreams feel this real? How could he be dreaming the pain in his arm when he pinched it, or an entire rumble?

The door behind him opened and he glanced back to find Sodapop pulling out a cigarette of his own, lighting it and taking a long drag. "You feeing okay?" he asked, sitting beside him and nudging him a little, and Pony marveled at the fact that this part felt so normal…that he still didn't want Soda to worry about him.

"Yeah. Just got a headache."

"You think Darry ought to take you back to the doctor?"

"Nah. They looked me over at the hospital. I'm fine." He couldn't remember if that was true, but it didn't matter. He had to talk to Johnny…had to figure this out, and he couldn't do that from his bed, which was where he'd be if Darry found out he was sick.

"What were you doing on the floor?" he asked, voice real gentle, and Pony loved his brother for always being understanding, for not acting like he was crazy, even if he might be.

"I had a nightmare," he told him, not quite a lie but not the truth. "Real bad." He stared out at the back yard, and Soda wrapped an arm around him.

"Yeah? Those ones you don't remember?" he asked, sounding worried. Pony hadn't had those in a while, and they'd all hoped they were gone.

"No," he whispered, not able to stop thinking about Johnny dying in that hospital bed, telling them fighting was no good and telling him to stay gold, and Dallas, collapsing in the street, the gunshots ringing in the air. He didn't think he'd ever forget that. "I remember it." His voice shook and he closed his eyes, not wanting to remember any of it.

Soda didn't ask what it was about, just rubbed his arm like he was trying to get him warm. "You should have woke me up, honey."

Pony just nodded. "I know."

He leaned his head against Pony's. "You gonna be okay today?"

"Sure. Just going to see Johnny."

Sodapop nodded, solemn. "Yeah, alright. You want some money for the bus?" Soda didn't say that he didn't want Pony walking all that way, but he might as well have. Still, it was a pretty good idea even if he didn't want to take Soda's money. It would at least save him from wasting time talking to Randy.

"I got some."

"Alright. Come inside and eat something. You sure lost weight staying at that church, huh?"

Pony tried not to flinch at the mention of the church…at memories of watching the building come down and hearing Johnny scream. "All we had to eat was bologna," he muttered, even the thought of the taste making him want to gag.

Soda paused before leading him inside, turning to face him with a hand still resting on his shoulder. "Hey. Something like this ever happens again, you come to me, alright? Not Dal. Me. Or Darry. You dig?"

He wouldn't ever be able to go to Dally again. Ponyboy pushed the thought away, not able to stand it. "Darry was awful mad…"

"It don't matter how mad he is, he'll always help you, you hear? I know he…" Soda shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "I know he was mad, and he shouldn't have hit you. It doesn't matter that he didn't mean to…he shouldn't of done it. But even if he's mad, if you're in trouble, you come to us, okay? I couldn't take it if something happened to you, Pony. Neither of us could."

Even as Soda looked into his eyes, serious and scared, Pony knew it wasn't true. Not that he thought Sodapop was lying or anything, but he knew better. Sure, they'd be real sad. And it would hurt to lose him. But Darry would be free. They wouldn't have to worry about him…Darry could probably even go to college! They'd probably even be better off without didn't say any of that, though. He just nodded. "Yeah. Alright. I will. Promise."

Soda squeezed his shoulder, believing the lie.

Darry was making breakfast when they came back inside, Two-Bit leaning on the counter beside him, and Ponyboy knew that his friend had blabbed. He wondered if that even mattered…if he'd have to do this again the next day and the next until he figured out what exactly it was he was supposed to be doing. Just the thought made him sick to his stomach, and he shoved his hands in his pockets to hide how they shook. He was sure Darry noticed anyway, but his brother didn't say anything, just handed him a plate of eggs. Telling Darry he wasn't hungry wouldn't work, especially since he was too skinny after a week of nothing but the occasional bologna sandwich, and since Darry was already worried about him. So he muttered his thanks and sat down to eat while Soda went to get dressed, watching Two-Bit carry a plate of chocolate cake into the living room.

"I don't think I ought to leave you alone today," Darry told him once they were alone, taking a bite of his breakfast sandwich.

"I'll be fine. I've stayed by myself plenty of times," he recited.

"Two-Bit said you were feeling sick…"

"Just a headache. I took some Aspirin."

Darry took another bite, then glanced at the clock. He didn't have a lot of time before he needed to leave, and Pony hated making him worry, even if he wasn't 100% convinced this was even real, so he decided to put some real effort into convincing him. "Two-Bit'll probably stick around to babysit anyway," he told him, rolling his eyes, and Darry's mouth tugged into a smile. "We're gonna go see Johnny and Dal."

"Alright…" He patted Ponyboy on the shoulder as he stood, then left his hand there, looking at him for a long moment like he wanted to say something. But Soda was already emerging from his bedroom, Steve on his heels, and it was time for them to leave. "Take it easy, okay? If you smoke more than a pack today, I'll skin you, you hear?"

Pony had to smile at the familiar words thrown over his shoulder as his brother headed towards the front door. "Yeah. I dig."

"Do up these dishes before you go, and say hi to Johnny for me."

"Sure thing, Superman!" Two-Bit called, and Pony heard him grunt when Darry must have knocked him upside the head on his way out the door. Then Darry was talking, too quiet for Pony to make out the words from the kitchen table, but he heard Two-Bit respond. "Yeah, I will. Try not to worry so much. You're gonna go gray."

And then their front door shut softly behind them.

Pony threw the rest of his breakfast in the trash before Two-Bit could come in and catch him, then hurried his way through the dishes. After a moment, Two joined him in the kitchen, leaning in the doorway and watching him clean, surprisingly not making any smart remarks. Before, Ponyboy had gone through and cleaned the house too, but he wasn't going to do that today. Today, he wanted as much time as possible with Johnny. He didn't know if that could change anything, but he figured he had to try something. If he kept doing the same thing over and over he was going to go insane.

Or maybe he was already insane.

"You ready?" he asked as soon as he finished drying the last plate, and his buddy nodded real slow.

"Sure thing, kiddo. You sure you don't want to eat something else first? Some cake or something?"

Pony shook his head. "Nah. I'm not hungry. You think we can take the bus?"

Two-Bit hesitated for a long time, then nodded. "Yeah, alright. Maybe we ought to put you in one of those beds when we get there, huh?"

Ponyboy rolled his eyes, and his buddy laughed. Secretly, though, Pony thought maybe he was right…maybe he did belong in a hospital bed. This sure as hell wasn't normal.

Riding the bus was a whole lot better than walking, that was for sure, and thanks to the pills he'd swallowed that morning, Pony almost felt alright by the time they pulled up to the stop closest to the hospital. He followed Two-Bit back out into the cool morning air, the two of them heading inside and managing, once more, to convince the doctors to let them see Johnny. The same nurse tried to stop them, and then the doctor, the one who'd stepped in before, turned the corner.

"He's been asking for them. It can't hurt."

He tried not to hear that…tried not to think about the inevitable. Instead, he made himself smile as he stepped into Johnny's room. It was all the same of course, Two-Bit grinning and acting like nothing was wrong. "Hey, Johnnykid!"

Johnny gave his best attempt at a smile as the nurse opened the curtains, letting the light flood in. "Hey, y'all."

The conversation was just about the same. They wouldn't let him put enough grease in his hair. Two-Bit told him not to talk, obviously worried about the way he coughed and winced in pain. They'd put his name in the papers. They were going to rumble. Johnny mentioned Tim Shephard had stopped by to see Dally. And then he asked for the book, and Pony felt a glimmer of hope.

Maybe that's what he needed to do…try and finish the book. Let Johnny hear the end of the story before his own story ended. Did that make sense? No. But none of this made sense. So when Two-Bit took off to grab a copy of Gone with the Wind, Pony sat with his friend, doing his best to look like everything was okay…normal even. Like they were just in the lot, hanging out like they did all the time.

"How are you feeling?"

"It ain't too bad. Just hurts sometimes…doesn't usually. I can't feel nothing below the middle of my back." Every word seemed to be a battle, but Ponyboy couldn't make himself regret them. This was Johnny's last day alive. He wanted every word he could get.

"You'll be okay," Pony lied, faking cheerfulness. Or maybe it wasn't a lie. If he could just figure this out, maybe Johnny would be okay! "Dally's gonna be fine. Me and Darry are okay too."

Johnny nodded, trying to smile. "That's good, man."

Ponyboy didn't want to do the part that came next…where he told Johnny they couldn't survive without him, and where Johnny admitted he was scared about dying. So he kept talking. "We can finish that book today, I bet. Long as Two-Bit doesn't mind listening. Think he's already read it?"

Johnny grinned, fighting not to laugh, probably because it would hurt too much. "I've never seen Two-Bit read..a book in my life. Even in…in school."

He laughed, tears filling his eyes, but he wasn't going to cry…he wasn't going to freak his friend out. "Well maybe he'll like this one."

"He went…with us to…the movie, remember?"

"Yeah," Pony told him with a grin. "He got bored halfway through and wandered off."

"Probably…probably…went to find a blonde," Johnny joked, going real still for a second, then taking a shuddering breath, all mirth dying from his eyes. "I'm pretty bad off, ain't I, Pony?"

He was. But he wasn't supposed to be thinking about it. "You're gonna be alright." Ponyboy willed it to be so…wished for it harder than he'd ever wished for anything. He'd somehow wished his way into this, hadn't he?

"I won't ever be able to walk again…not even on crutches. I busted my back."

It should have been him, Ponyboy thought, wishing they could swap places…wishing he could go back an extra day and get Johnny out faster or take that blow for him…or even better, make sure there was no fire in the first place. Get them both home. Let Johnny turn himself in and hope it all turned out for the best because anything would be better than this.

But apparently he wasn't in charge of how far he got to go back, no matter how hard he wished, which made about as much sense as the rest of this. So he just reached out, gripping Johnny's arm and squeezing. "You'll have us to help you," he told him simply, as though any of this was simple. As though Johnny's parents weren't awful, abusive, terrible people. As though going into his own house wasn't dangerous when he could run.

As though he wasn't going to die before the day was over.

Two-Bit came back not too much later, and Johnny perked up a little at the sight of their buddy with the book in his hand. "Here you go. One copy of Gone with the Wind." He dropped into a chair at Johnny's other side, brushing his hair out of his face with a fond smile, and Pony was glad, all of a sudden, that at least Two-Bit got to spend a little bit more time with him this time. Then after a moment, he looked up, catching Ponyboy's eye. "Go on, kid. I went all that way to get the damn thing. Ain't you gonna read it?"

Johnny, too, was waiting, so Pony flipped to the latest page they'd made it to and started reading again. If he just looked at the book…just focused on the pages, he could pretend that they were still in the church. Two-Bit was surprisingly quiet as he read, not cracking jokes or complaining that he was bored or nothing. When Ponyboy chanced a look up at them, Johnny had his eyes closed, chest rising and falling slowly as he listened, while Two-Bit was staring at him, watching him real close.

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. But maybe this was how he fixed it.

And then, before he'd even made it to the last part of the book, the nurse poked her head in, making Pony freeze, the words drying up in his mouth. Surely it couldn't be that time already.

"Johnny? Your mother is here."

Johnny's eyes flew open, and Ponyboy wanted to push her out of the room…insist she leave and let him finish reading. Maybe this was how he fixed it! Maybe this was what he had to do! But before he could speak, Johnny shook his head, eyes going hard. "I don't want to see her."

Two-Bit stood up, a hand hovering over him like he didn't know what to do, but he couldn't stop this either. It was the same…the nurse pressed and Johnny shouted until his face went chalk white and he sagged against the pillow, unconscious. And silently, Ponyboy swore, dropping the book on his bedside table before the nurse could shoo them away.

"I wish it was any one of us except Johnny," Two-Bit murmured as they stood out in the hall, suddenly alone as two nurses shut the door to Johnny's room.

"Yeah, me too." There must have been something in Pony's tone that caught Two-Bit's attention because he stared at him for a moment, on the verge of concern. But before he could ask, Pony went on. "Can we go see Dally?" He didn't really see the point, but it was what they did next, and those nurses weren't going to let him go back into Johnny's room and finish the book. Did that mean he'd have to start all this over the next day? Or would it finally end?

Mrs. Cade was once more in the hall, and when she spotted them, Pony felt his fists clench, jaw going tight. A lot of this might have been his fault, like she had said before, but so much of it was hers too! Why did she even bother showing up here? Just to hurt her son one last time? Pony hated her all of a sudden, more than he'd ever hated her before. He didn't like hearing women cussed at, but he really didn't think he'd mind if Two-Bit decided to start something with her in the hallway.

"You! It was your fault! Always running around in the middle of the night, getting jailed and who knows what else!"

This time Ponyboy spoke before Two-Bit could, walking right up to her and feeling his anger and helplessness bubble up until he sounded just as mad as she did. "It ain't our fault you beat your own kid! Why the hell you think he was in the lot that night? It's because he can't stand to be near you! He'd rather die than see you!"

He felt the sting in his face before he realized what had happened, the force from the blow knocking him back a step. She couldn't hit as hard as Darry, but he was sure the ring on her finger had drawn a line of blood across his cheek when she'd backhanded him.

"You good for nothing…" she started, advancing on him, her voice a snarl, and Ponyboy thought she might just hit him again if Two-Bit hadn't stepped in, hurrying to push Pony back behind him.

"Hey! Back off! Just because you beat your own kid don't mean you can hit this one, you hear me!" He sounded as mad as Pony had ever heard him, and around Two's shoulder, Pony watched Johnny's doctor hurry around the corner and grip Mrs. Cade's shoulder, pulling her away from them as he kept a wary eye on Ponyboy and Two-Bit like the two of them might just start a rumble with her or something. "Ma'am, I think it's best that you left for now."

"He's my son! I have a right to see him!"

The doctor nodded to a guy dressed in white who'd come to stand off to the side, watching all this. The guy was as big as Darry, and Ponyboy figured he must be some kind of security because he took Mrs. Cade's arm and led her gently but firmly away, ignoring her protests. They were all quiet until she was gone, and then the doctor turned back to him. "Son, are you alright?"

Pony wanted to laugh. A cut on his face was the absolute least of his problems right now. "Yeah…yes, sir. I'm fine." He shrugged, wiping it with the back of his hand and glancing down at the drops of blood he'd smeared. When the doctor went to take a closer look, Pony waved him off. "It's nothing. Just scratched me."

"You shouldn't have even let her in here," Two-Bit told the doctor, crossing his arms, his eyes stormy and serious.

"She's his mother," the doctor argued like that was supposed to mean something. Ponyboy guessed it was, but not for people like her.

"Yeah? She sure as hell don't act like it. Pony's right. Her and his old man are the reason Johnny couldn't even sleep at his own house most nights."

The doctor gave him a long, sad look, then nodded. "I see. We'll do our best to make sure he isn't disturbed. Can I get you something for your face?"

Ponyboy shook his head, glad when Two-Bit didn't insist like Darry would have. Still, he kept a close eye on Ponyboy as they headed to the elevator to get to Dally's room. This time, Pony didn't even let himself hope that Dally might be in on all this…that he might be reliving this same day too. So he wasn't surprised to find Dally in the same spot they'd found him in for the last two days, arguing with a nurse who was insisting he wasn't allowed to smoke.

Dally lifted an eyebrow when he spotted the two of them, grin dropping when he caught sight of Ponyboy's face. He figured it was still bleeding some, and Dally's expression confirmed it. "The hell happened to you? Jesus, kid, can't you go five minutes without getting yourself in trouble?"

"Johnny's mom's a real bitch, that's what happened," Two-Bit grumbled, still hot as he dropped into a chair. Both of Dally's eyebrows lifted at that, then his eyes narrowed dangerously.

"She gone?"

"Doctor made her leave."

"Yeah? You should have hit her back," Dally muttered, looking like he'd like to do it himself. Ponyboy didn't bother mentioning that he'd never hit a woman, even one like Mrs. Cade. It made him flinch to hear Two-Bit call her that, never mind the fact that he hated her and she'd hit him. "How is he anyway?"

Two-Bit sighed, shaking his head. "I don't know a lot about this kind of stuff, but he don't look too good, Dal. Passed out cold before we left."

Dally's jaw went tight, face turning away from them for a moment, but Ponyboy wasn't listening anymore. He didn't want to give up on the book idea. Johnny wanted to finish it…maybe that was important! So, he decided, if all this happened again the next day, he'd just have to get to the hospital earlier.

It wasn't like he had any other ideas.

Thanks for reading!