The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has run off somewhere. Takes place very shortly after Out of Network. It's the…
Death Of A Pseudo Relationship
"Well, this was a weird day," Archer sighed. He was sitting at a table in a bar drinking. There were several bottles on the table. A few were already empty. Then he looked at his companions. "And it keeps getting weirder."
Lana and Ray were there still dressed in the gray dress outfits. "What?" Ray asked.
"I guess I should be glad the rest of the Andrews Sisters didn't remain," Archer groaned.
"Pam ran off for some reason," Lana recounted. "Cyril ran home to look for a therapist that IIA won't assassinate. And where Krieger went to…I don't want to know."
"Me either," Ray agreed.
"At least one of us should have changed outfits," Lana looked at Ray.
"Honestly Ray wears it better," Archer remarked. Lana glared at him. "He's got the figure for it, Lana! Don't blame me! Blame God who gave you those wide hips and square linebacker shoulders! Plus, his legs are pretty damn good in that dress."
"Thank you," Ray said before he took a sip of his drink.
"God the end of a relationship sucks," Archer sighed. "Even when you spend the whole day fighting assassins to be together."
"Archer it wasn't even a real relationship," Lana told him. "It was a pseudo relationship! The fact that you paid that woman to be with you wasn't a clue?"
"To be fair that happens with the majority of women he dates," Ray quipped. "Easy for him to get confused."
"Honestly the more I think about it," Archer sighed as he took a drink. "The more I'm convinced I made the right decision not to run off with her."
"Because the Agency means a lot to you," Lana said.
"You'd miss your friends and your daughter," Ray added. "And a life on the run is no life at all."
Archer shook his head. "No, because I was about to run away with a clone of my mother. I just escaped from one controlling hypersexual bitch! I'd be an idiot to run off with another! Plus let's be honest. Can you actually see me running a bakery?"
"Honestly…" Ray scoffed.
"I know right?" Archer chuckled. "And in the Rhine of all places? Oh yes that's what the world needs. Another place that serves cinnamon rolls. At least in Norway there's always a need for boat tours!"
"Think of it this way," Ray pointed out. "You broke the cycle today. You said no to a Mallory and stood up for yourself. Without acting out in a wildly inappropriate way."
"I did, didn't I?" Archer said proudly. "Wow. I've just grown a lot today. Therapy really does work! Ray maybe you should try it?"
"I'm fine!" Ray snapped. "As long as I don't see a porcupine."
"Porcupine?" Archer asked. "Why a…?"
"Don't," Lana sighed. "Just don't get into it. You don't want to know."
"How do you know?" Ray looked at her.
"You told me one time when you got really drunk," Lana admitted. "One of the times you were paralyzed. I forget which one."
"You know I am attracted to dominating egotistical women who want all the power in our relationship," Archer realized. "I can't believe it took me this long to figure that out!"
"That's something a lot of your hookers already knew," Lana quipped.
"You do have a type," Ray remarked.
"What does that supposed to mean?" Lana asked Ray.
"Nothing," Ray said slyly. "You're nothing like Archer's type at all."
"Seriously Lana I have no idea how we got together," Archer added. "You aren't anything like my mother. Not my type."
"Oh, I know your type," Lana looked at him. "Breathing. Which neither of you will do if you ever compare me to Mallory…Damn it. Even I can't say that without realizing how ridiculous that is. I can't help but notice a few parallels."
"Again Lana, you're a way better mother than my mother," Archer waved. "You're on the phone with AJ every chance you get and you worry about being a good mom. My mother wouldn't speak to me for months and she was more worried about getting a good cocktail."
"I was talking more about her career choices," Lana explained. "And you can't fault your mother for not calling back then. Mobile phones weren't invented."
"I'm not talking about phones," Archer told her. "I'm talking about when I came home for summer break! My mother would always make a point to leave the day before to go on some cruise or trip so she wouldn't have to deal with me!"
"How do you figure you're like Mallory career wise?" Ray asked.
Lana took a drink. "Let's just say after working for the CIA and IIA, I get why she formed her own agency. Even if it was an illegal one it was still a better option than working for those assholes."
"Amen to that," Ray nodded.
Archer finished his drink. "Well time to go into morning for my old relationship. I should be back by next Tuesday. If not there's a list of brothels in my apartment you can check."
Ray asked. "Isn't paying for a woman to be with you how you got into this mess in the first place?"
"Good point," Archer paused. "Time to hit the bars."
"And anything that breathes," Lana gave Archer a look.
"Lana the best way to get over a woman is to get under another one," Archer told her. "Or behind her. Or on top. Or…"
"I get the picture!" Lana groaned. "In other words, you're going right back on the self-destructive horse?"
"Horse?" Ray remarked. "I think by now it's been upgraded to a self-destructive Tyrannosaurus Rex."
Archer finished his drink. "That is pretty accurate. See you around ladies!" He left the table.
"So much for therapy," Lana groaned.
"And you wonder why I don't go!" Ray told her.
"Honestly Ray that's not the worst idea in the world," Lana told him.
"You're just bitter because I look better in this dress than you," Ray shrugged. "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."
The following afternoon in the Agency's break room…
"And that's why I'm going to start wearing dresses at semi-formal occasions," Krieger told the others (sans Archer and Cheryl of course) in the break room. "It really is an ice breaker."
"Swell…" Lana groaned as she drank some coffee. "Anyone else have anything to say? Anything at all?"
"I have good news," Cyril said cheerfully. "Turns out my dentist works on several of IIA's higher paying clients. So, they're not going to assassinate him! The bad news is my co-pays are going to be a bitch."
"Still a good trade off," Pam told him. "It's hard to find a good dentist."
"That's true," Cyril nodded. "Oh, I think I hear Archer now…"
Archer stumbled in kissing a female cop. "Thanks for the ride, Annie!" Archer grinned.
"I was going to say the same," Annie the Cop told him. "See you around Archer." She left the room.
"That's one way of getting out of a traffic ticket," Ray quipped.
"And other charges," Archer nodded. "Morning. Oh wait, it's afternoon. Sorry. Time slipped away from me."
"Well, you're not in jail, missing any limbs or completely unconscious," Pam remarked. "Good night?"
"Great night," Archer grinned. "And a good morning. I can barely remember half of it. But what I do remember…"
"I think we can guess," Lana groaned.
"I definitely…" Archer's smile faded. "Uh oh…"
"What?" Pam asked. "That sounds like an uh oh when you remembered that you did something you regret."
"Yeah…" Archer winced. "There was one kind of little thing I did. I went to the library. And applied for a library card."
"That doesn't sound so bad," Cyril remarked.
"Wait for it," Ray sighed.
FLASHBACK!
Archer was standing at the library desk wearing only his black underwear. "Hey I need a library card," He hiccupped to the librarian. "I wanna check out the Karma Sutra. My old copy is worn out."
FLASHFORWARD!
"Okay that's bad," Cyril winced.
"That's how I met Annie the Cop," Archer realized. "She was going to arrest me. Well, it turns out she had me in handcuffs for a bit. Turns out I didn't need the Karma Sutra. She had a copy."
"Oh God," Lana groaned. "Archer you…"
"Uh oh…" Archer interrupted her.
"You remember something else?" Ray sighed.
"Uh…" Archer blinked.
FLASHBACK!
Archer stumbled into a glamorous looking bar with Annie and the librarian, dressed this time. "All right! Bartender! A round for Sterling Archer! Greatest spy of all time! And by that just for me and my lady friends here. For Sterling Archer! Best spy ever!"
That's when nearly everyone in the place pulled out some guns, knives and in several cases swords. "Is there a problem here?" Archer blinked.
FLASHBACK!
Archer and his two lady companions were furiously fighting several people. "Damn it!" Archer snapped as he shot a guy with a sword. "Don't you assassins take a day off? I mean that's the purpose of this place, right?"
Annie the cop shot another man with a sword. "Who brings a sword to a gun fight?"
"I know right?" Archer remarked. "I'm not saying it's not cool looking! But very impractical!" He shot and killed another guy with a sword.
They both ducked when someone started shooting bullets at them. "YAAAAHH!" The librarian did a roundhouse kick and knocked out the man with the gun. She then grabbed the gun and started shooting people. "GET SOME! GET SOME! GET SOME!"
"Wow," Archer blinked. "That whole thing about librarians being meek is a total stereotype!"
FLASHBACK!
Archer and the two women were racing away in Annie's police car from the bar that was on fire. "Good thing you had extra grenades, Shirley!" Archer looked backwards.
FLASHFORWARD!
"I might have accidentally stumbled on and destroyed a secret assassin bar," Archer admitted. "With help from Annie and Shirley the librarian. Did you know a lot of librarians carry mace and hand grenades in their purses? I didn't."
"You blew up a bar for assassins?" Lana blinked.
Ray gasped. "Not the Snug!"
"No!" Archer told him. "It wasn't a gay secret assassin bar! At least it didn't look like one!"
Pam gasped. "Not the Hot Llama Strip Club!"
"No, it wasn't a strip club either," Archer waved. "It was a regular bar that catered to assassins."
Pam gasped. "Not Giddyap Gabe's!"
"It wasn't cowboy themed!" Archer snapped.
Krieger gasped. "Not the Plaid Dragon!"
"No, I don't think it was Asian themed either…" Archer thought. "No, definitely not."
Cyril blinked. "How many assassin bars are there in this city?"
"Well, there's one less now," Archer waved. "I remember! It was Night Owls."
"Oh good," Pam waved. "Their appetizers sucked and the prices were too high."
"They were also kind of snooty too," Ray nodded. "Good for you. How many did you take out?"
"Not really sure," Archer admitted. "I think a few got out before the explosion. I know I killed at least five. Good thing one of the ladies I was with was a cop. She's a good alibi. And also good at…Uh oh."
"What now?" Lana groaned.
"Uh I think I may have helped her commit a crime," Archer realized.
"You mean another crime?" Lana asked.
"Actually, this was before the whole assassin bar thing," Archer told her. "Oh, I'm remembering now…"
FLASHBACK!
"Just so I'm clear…" Archer remarked as he picked the lock on an apartment door. "We're breaking into your ex-boyfriend's place to steal some records?"
"These are vintage LPs!" Annie told him. "Worth a fortune! Plus, he's got a few other things of mine that I never got back. He's the type that borrows things and never returns them."
Shirley was there as well. "Dirtbag…"
"I know," Annie groaned. "If only I hadn't loaned him that seven hundred bucks for that online school!"
"What did he really use it for?" Archer asked.
"Basketball tickets," Annie grumbled. "And he didn't take me with him!"
"Oh well then I don't feel bad about this," Archer said as he opened the door. "Not that I feel bad about a lot of things I do."
"Are you sure he won't catch us?" Shirley asked.
"He's at the bar this time of night," Annie remarked. "He'll never know we were here."
FLASHBACK!
"YEAH!" Archer whooped as he and the ladies trashed the living room.
FLASHBACK!
"What the hell are you doing here?" Annie shouted at her ex-boyfriend in the trashed living room. "You're never home before three am when you're trolling for bimbos!"
"My date dumped me," The ex-boyfriend snapped. "I got laid off again and I decided to get some scotch and drink! I had a bad night!"
"It's about to get worse," Archer quipped.
FLASHBACK!
"YOU SCUM! YOU JERK! I WANT MY MONEY!" Annie and Shirley were beating the crap out of her ex-boyfriend. Archer watched laughing.
"I'm taking your scotch too!" Archer grabbed the bottle and started drinking it. "You don't deserve it!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Okay yeah I was definitely an accessory to that," Archer winced. "But her ex-boyfriend was a douchebag so…Uh oh."
"What did you remember this time?" Krieger asked.
"I think I did something really bad," Archer winced.
Cyril asked. "Worse than breaking several laws, getting into a firefight, blowing up a bar, killing people and being an accessory to a break in, theft, trashing an apartment and an assault?"
"Oh yeah…" Archer winced.
FLASHBACK!
Archer was on the phone in bed with both Annie and the librarian who were sound asleep. "Hey Fabian! Guess what douchebag? I win! I totally won over you! Not only did I rescue Dr. Lacania and have her escape the assassins you sent…Which I totally beat up and killed…Sending her off safely to the Rhine. Turns out she has this place on the riverbank on 112 Son Mon Frere Ave. She's been keeping it there under an assumed name for tax reasons. I forget which. Anyway…Not only did I save her life, I banged two very hot very dangerous women so…Ha! HA! I so win!"
"Oh it's Mrs. Mallorie Ainaca. Spelled with an IE to confuse people. That actually does work."
"Now I'm going to go back to work having sex with two women. After celebrating my win that you didn't kill my therapist who has run off to the Rhine. Ha ha…" He blew a raspberry and hung up. "I have the strangest urge for crepes."
FLASHFORWARD!
"You called Fabian and told him where your therapist had run off too?" Pam shouted. "After all we went through yesterday?"
"Yeah, I definitely crossed the line on that one," Archer winced.
"YOU THINK?" Ray shouted.
"And we never heard from Therapist Mallory again," Lana groaned. "Not that I do want to see her again."
"Maybe he won't be able to kill her?" Ray rationalized. "I mean she's pretty smart. Odds on her surviving are what? Fifty-fifty?"
"More like one in fifty," Pam groaned. "Million!"
"Yeah, that was definitely my fault there," Archer winced. "I really feel bad about that one."
"So much for therapy," Ray rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile at IIA…
"I wasn't expecting a call from you so soon," Fabian remarked as he looked at the shadowy figure on his computer.
"I wasn't planning on calling you this soon," The shadowy figure remarked, his voice also obscured. "The board heard about The Agency's latest incident."
"I assure you things are under control," Fabian said smoothly.
"A firefight in a subway station is not a sign that things are under control!" The shadowy figure snapped.
"Well, we had to assassinate that psychiatrist," Fabian remarked. "She was out of network."
"You do realize we could have just brought that woman in using a third-party provider?" The shadowy figure remarked.
"Well yes but the co-pays are a bitch," Fabian paused. "I thought an assassination was a more cost cutting measure."
"So let me get this straight Fabian," The shadowy figure remarked. "In order to avoid paying a larger co-pay, you ended up costing IIA over a million dollars in dollars in medical benefits, death benefits, overtime, dental benefits, as well as the cost of bullets?"
"All right when you put it like that," Fabian winced. "Perhaps that was a bit overkill. No pun intended."
"And did you not get the memo last week that there is an assassin shortage going on?"
Fabian blinked. "Since when?"
"I'll take that as a yes," The shadowy figure sighed. "Since they've all been killing each other lately. Even more than usual. Plus, a whole bunch of them got hired overseas to fight in a few wars for a ridiculous amount of money."
"Oh."
"Plus, last night there was a little incident," The shadowy figure went on. "Apparently Archer and two female companions blew up Night Owls!"
"Night Owls? The city's most exclusive assassin bar?" Fabian gasped. "Are you sure?"
"We have the footage on their security cameras," The shadowy figure remarked. "What was left of them."
"That's…" Fabian winced. "Problematic."
"To be fair Archer did take out a few people on our list," The shadowy figure admitted. "So, it all evens out but still…"
"Well, I know where the doctor is going!" Fabian told him. "Archer stupidly called me drunk as a proverbial skunk to tell me where she was going. I already sent some more hitmen to the location. So, odds of her getting away are practically one in fifty million."
"Unless she's smart enough to have another escape plan," The shadowy figure growled.
"Either way we'll never hear from her again," Fabian told him.
"Fabian, you assured me that you would keep the Agency under control!" The shadowy figure snapped. "This latest incident on top of all the others doesn't bode well for you!"
"Look I have a plan that will get rid of The Agency very soon," Fabian told him. "I'll frame Archer and his companions for the crimes I'm committing so I can take over the country of Manatina. And run it for you and the rest of the board."
"You'd better succeed at this," The shadowy figure growled. "Archer and his gang of misfits have already cost us a fortune after the whole Longwater debacle. Not to mention a few other incidents where they royally screwed things up for us!"
"Fortunately, I plan to screw them," Fabian smirked. "Figuratively of course."
"Good," The shadowy figure warned him. "Because if you fail, we'll disavow you and you will be completely on your own to rot in prison. Or dead. However, this plays out."
"I understand," Fabian said calmly. "When have I ever failed you before? Not counting the first time when Archer stopped me from blackmailing the world's leaders. That was a fluke."
"Just don't screw this up," The shadowy figure snarled before the transmission was cut.
Fabian frowned and pushed a button. On the wall a target was shown. A picture of Archer was on the target.
"I sent assassins after the wrong person," Fabian growled as he calmly took out his gun and shot at Archer's picture.