Simon says
[Cheers]
Norm: (Leaves an empty mug of beer on the bar, stands up from his usual stool and walks towards the door) Well, I'm out of here, I guess. Going to stop over at the health club.
Frasier: You belong to a health club?
Norm: Yeah, yeah. Vera gave me a membership for my birthday. (Puts a hand on Frasier's shoulder and pats twice) It's, uh, real subtle, huh?
Frasier: You-You actually go there and work out?
Norm: Yeah. I try to do, uh, about 25 in the pool every day.
Frasier: Laps?
Norm: Cannonballs.
Making your way in the world today
takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know
people are all the same.
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
(Woody is talking on the phone and Sam is pouring some drinks)
Woody: (Happy, on the phone) Uh, great, Miss Harville, thanks. (Hangs up and celebrates, thrilled) Hot dog!
Sam: What's up?
Woody: They just delivered my new mattress. Finally, a decent night's rest. Now all I got to do is figure out what to do with my old mattress. Any suggestions?
Sam: Well, mine's in the Smithsonian.
Woody: Oh, will they send a truck?
(Sam looks at Woody and opens the mouth to say something, but ends up not saying anything, considering that it is not worth it. At that moment, Frasier enters and walks to the bar)
Sam: Hey, Frasier! The usual?
Frasier: Oh, not just yet. I'm meeting a friend for a drink. Simon Finch-Royce. Mm.
Diane: (Sitting at the bar with a book, she looks at him in surprise) Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, the n-noted marriage counselor?
Frasier: (Joking) No, Dr. Finch-Royce, the circus geek.
Diane: Ah. (Looks at him at smiles at the joke)
Frasier: Yes, of course, the marriage counselor. We were students together when I was a Rhodes Scholar.
Woody: (With a lemon in hand, looks at Frasier, surprised at the statement) Wow, you were a Rhodes Scholar? Tell me this: how come the stuff they fill in the potholes with is darker than the rest of the road?
Frasier: (Looks at him, surprised at his dumbness) I don't know, Woody. I missed that day.
Woody: (Smiles while pointing at him) And now it's come back to haunt you.
Diane: Sam... Simon Finch-Royce is an eminent psychotherapist who specializes in marital relations.
Carla: (Smiles) Does "eminent" by any chance mean "rich and single"?
Diane: (Looks at her, but turns to Sam again, without doing any comment) Anyway, Sam, I think it's safe to say that he has saved hundreds, nay, thousands of troubled marriages.
It's even rumored that he had a hand in helping Chuck and Di.
Carla: (To Diane) Speaking of that, why don't you upchuck and die?
(Diane looks resignedly at Sam like saying "Always with this kind of comments" and goes backs to her book. A second after that, Dr. Finch-Royce enter and starts singing)
Simon: Three little maids from school are we...
(Frasier looks at him, surprised and happy to see him, and Diane looks at him surprised)
Frasier: (Sings) Pert as a schoolgirl well may be...
Frasier and Simon: (Sing) Filled to the brim with girlish glee. (Frasier takes Simon's arm and both walks in a funny way) Three little maids from school. (Shake hands)
(Sam and Cliff smiles at the sight, amused at the "spectacle", but Woody looks rather concern)
Woody: Sam, you want me to call the police?
Frasier: Uh, no... no cause for alarm, Woody. Simon and I did the spring musical together at Oxford. It was The Mikado.
(Simon sits)
Frasier: Simon played Pitti-Sing, and I was Yum-Yum.
Simon: And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.
Frasier: (Laughs and sits) It's good to see you, Simon. Uh, how was your flight? All right?
Simon: Oh, relatively crash-free.
Frasier: Can I buy you a drink?
Simon: Yes, a pint of beer, but none of that weak-kneed American bile. Give me, uh, a little something with hair on it.
Carla: (Places herself just next to him and smiles) Here I am.
(Simon smiles at the comment and Sam looks at Carla and smiles)
Carla: So, uh, you married?
Simon: Yes, quite happily.
Carla: (A bit disappointed) Too bad. Could've been my first Englishman. No, no, no, wait, there was that one other guy, but he was so white, I kept losing him in the sheets. (Walks away)
(Frasier laughs at the comment)
Simon: (Looks puzzled at Carla and turns to Frasier) Do we know her?
Frasier: (Smiling) Yes, that's Carla.
Simon: Have her scrubbed and sent to my tent.
Frasier: (Laughs) Sam, a Guinness for my friend.
Sam: Guinness coming right up.
Frasier: Oh, Simon, by the way: Sam Malone, Woody Boyd.
Simon: Simon Finch-Royce.
Sam: Hi. (Shakes his hand)
Woody: Hi. (Shakes his hand) Howdy.
Simon: Howdy.
(Diane walks over to them and holds out her hand to Simon with a smile)
Frasier: Oh, and, uh, this is Diane Chambers.
Simon: Oh, how do you do?
Diane: (Happy to meet him) Delighted to make your acquaintance. You're so much taller than you looked on your book jacket.
Simon: Ah, yes, but you see, the book's only about that big. (Indicates the size with his hands)
Diane: (Laughs) That must be it.
Sam: So, what brings you here?
Simon: Oh, I'm accepting an honorary degree. It's nothing much... Just a small college... But, uh, any excuse to pop over the pond.
Norm: (Walks towards them with a beer in hand) Doc, uh, hi. I'm Norm Peterson.
Simon: Oh.
Norm: I have to tell you that my wife is a big fan of yours, sir.
(Diane smiles, surprised at the comment)
Simon: Oh.
Norm: (Sits) Yeah, she reads all those marriage improvement books.
Simon: Great. Have they helped?
Norm: Well, they've helped me. It, uh, gives her something to do in bed.
(Diane looks at Norm rather disappointed, like saying "Oh, come on!")
Norm: I have a few questions...
Frasier: Thank you, Norm. Shall we just go over here, where it's a little quieter?
Diane: Splendid idea. (Walks to a table)
(Frasier pulls out a chair to sit in it, but Diane is faster than him in doing so)
Diane: (Thinking Frasier was moving the chair for her to sit in) Oh, thank you.
(Frasier looks at her slightly annoyed)
Diane: (Looks at Frasier) Oh, Frasier, please join us. (Turns to Simon) Oh, Sam, may I have a seltzer, please?
(Sam looks at her like saying "What the hell are you doing?")
Diane: You know, I had a thought. Sam and I are about to be married, and... dare I ask it, could you be persuaded to possibly have a session or two with us?
Frasier: Oh, Diane...
Simon: I think it's a capital idea.
(Diane laughs happily)
Frasier: Ah, well, then, let it be my wedding gift to you. I was considering the gravy boat, but I think our relationship transcends mere crockery. (Smiles)
Diane: (Smiles at Frasier and touches his arm affectionately, then turn to Simon) Are you sure you don't mind?
Simon: Oh, not at all. I'm a terrible workaholic. And also, it'll be refreshing to work with a couple who are not on the brink of disaster.
(Sam serves Diane a drink)
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: (To Diane) Will you excuse us for a minute here? Can I talk to you for a minute, please? (Walks to the bar)
Diane: (Stands up and walks towards the bar) Oh, excuse me.
Sam: (Annoyed) Why do you want to do this? We're not in trouble. We're not even married yet.
Diane: Sam, marriage counselors aren't just for people who are having troubles. His expertise will help us lay a solid foundation for our married life. (In British accent) Now, what say we give it a go?
Sam: Hey, wh-what's with this English accent? Ever since he walked in here, you-you been talking like the queen was your Aunt Betty or something.
Diane: (Using a British accent) Oh, tosh. What twaddle.
Sam: See, th...
(Diane walks to the table where Frasier and Simon are sitting)
Cliff: (Sitting in the chair Diane was before) Hey, yeah, but, you know, so, if you Brits ever find yourself in trouble against, uh, another major military power like Argentina.
(Simon stares blankly as if thinking "Where the hell did I get myself into?")
Cliff: You know, one thing is, uh, well, we Yanks'll be there to bail you out just like we were during the last two big ones, huh?
(Simon smiles at Cliff, evidently uncomfortable with the situation)
Norm: Cliffie... Cliff! (Pointing to the back) There's a gentleman over here that thinks you know absolutely nothing about photosynthesis.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, who? (Grabs his beer, stands up and walks to Norm) Why... Why, I'll straighten him out.
(Diane smiles, happy to see Cliff leave and sits again, facing Simon)
Cliff: The first paper that was done...
Diane: So, Doctor, when shall we begin? (Takes a sip of her drink)
Frasier: Why not right now?
Simon: Sure. Is-is there anywhere with a little privacy?
Diane: Well, there's Sam's office. You don't mind, do you, Sam?
(Sam looks at her annoyed as if to say "I do, it bothers me", slightly shakes his head and opens his mouth to speak, but Diane speaks first)
Diane: Of course you don't. Lovely.
(Sam sketches a smile, resigned and somewhat irritated, and Diane takes his arm and pushes him gently towards the back)
Frasier: Oh, Simon, Simon, this is strictly professional. (He and Simon stand up and follow Sam and Diane) I want you to bill me for this.
Simon: Oh, right.
Frasier: Yes. And I do want you to completely disregard our years and years of friendship when determining your fee.
Simon: Oh, well, whatever you say.
Frasier: Look, I mean it, now. I-I'll hear nothing of that 40% psychiatrist's courtesy discount that's customary here in the States.
Simon: (Puts a hand on Frasier's shoulder) I wouldn't dream of insulting you. (Turns and enter Sam office)
Frasier: (Displeased) Well, I'm glad we worked that out. (Walks annoyed)
(...)
[Sam office]
(Sam is on the couch, Diane is sitting down and Simon is standing in front of them)
Simon: Well, now, uh, where to begin. Well, usually, at this point, you would tell me what a loathsome, contemptible swine he is...
(Sam looks at him annoyed and Diane looks at Sam)
Simon: And, uh, you would describe in some detail what a wanton, libidinous trollop she is...
(Diane looks at him annoyed and Sam looks at Diane)
Simon: But as you're only engaged, we'll just have to look forward to that. (Coughs trying to mask his laugh)
(Diane and Sam look at him, both annoyed at his comments, and then they exchange glances, surprised to see such an unprofessional attitude from a man they considered to be a renowned specialist)
Simon: When I was on the staff of the London Psychiatric Hospital just after my divorce,
we had a couple that...
Sam: Excuse me.
Simon: Hmm?
Sam: (Leans forward on the couch and looks at him) You've been divorced?
Simon: Yes, I have.
Sam: Ha ha, that's great. (Leans back in the couch again)
Simon: Now, Sam, Sam, I can say to you with pride, "Yes, I have been divorced", because it is only from our failures that we gain knowledge. Consequently, I was able to make a much better choice of a second wife.
(Diane looks at him and smiles, seemingly dazzled at his wisdom)
Simon: Perhaps my vision was clearer for the tears that I had shed.
(Diane smiles at him moved and looks at him in admiration while she stands up holding a hand to her chest)
Diane: You are the wisest man I know.
(Simon smiles, flattered)
Simon: High praise, indeed. (Rubs his nose) Well, now, uh... I need to begin to get to know you two, so, Diane, why don't, why don't you start?
Simon: Well, they say you don't have prenatal memories, but I have a distinct in-utero recollection of a Fourth of July concert my mother attended.
Simon: Diane, Diane... Please, take a leap of a couple of years. And when narrating your childhood, limit yourself to the bare essential. I don't need to know details, just to get an idea of what you were like.
Diane: (A bit disappointed) Ok... I was a very quiet and lonely child...
(...)
Diane: (Leaning on the piece of furniture next to the desk) And then he proposed to me in, of all places, a court of law. This time I acquiesced and agreed to become Mrs. Malone...
(Diane smiles while looking at Sam, who is laying on the couch, sleeping and snoring quietly, and then turns to Simon with a smile)
Diane: ...which brings us here today.
Simon: Good thing you didn't dwell on details... Sam...
(Diane wakes him up moving his legs to the floor so she can sit down)
Simon: A little of your history, please.
Sam: Oh, right, all right. Okay, uh... Let's see, uh, it was, uh, August 5, 1973. I, uh, got my first major league save.
Simon: No, please. Start a bit earlier. I want to know a little bit about your childhood.
Sam: Ok... I always was the second. My brother was much better than me in everything he did.
(...)
Simon: Ok, I think I have enough information now, so let's try something. What do you think are the keys to a successful marriage?
Diane: Love?
Sam: Sex.
Diane: Honesty.
Sam: Fidelity.
Diane: Trust.
Sam: Sex.
Simon: Correct. Except for the double sex. Now I want to check something. Sam, I'll start with you. You're on your honeymoon.
Sam: With Diane?
Simon: (Perplexed at Sam's question) With whom else?
Sam: (Shrugs) I could be alone. Knowing her, on our second day I would be riding a roller coaster alone while she visits a museum. And in the evening she would probably stay in the hotel room or would go to the hall or to the swimming pool to read a book while I'm in the bar playing pool.
Simon: (He looks at Sam, then at Diane, then back at Sam) All right... Let's go back to the hypothetical case that I was going to present. The two of you are on a tropical beach and you see a woman walk by. Her flesh is tawny from the tropic sun. Her proud yet supple bosoms heave mightily against the constraints of her tiny bikini.
(Diane looks attentively at Sam)
Simon: You think she is the most beautiful creature that you have ever seen. At this moment, Diane turns to you and says, "A penny for your thoughts". Do you share them with her?
Sam: Why would I want a penny? I'm American!
(Simon looks at Sam exasperated and Diane looks at him as if to say "Sam, please, this is serious")
Sam: (Laughs) I'm kidding. But no, I'd keep them for myself. She knows me. She knows what I think when I look at an attractive woman. But she also knows I wouldn't cheat on her.
Simon: All right. (Turns to Diane) Diane, it's your wedding night. You and Sam have just made love, and Sam has not performed to your satisfaction.
(Sam starts laughing and Diane can help but laugh at his reaction. Simon, though, looks at them puzzled)
Simon: He asks you how it was. Do you tell him?
Diane: I never have before. (Laughs) I'm kidding. I'm kidding. (Stands up and turns to Sam) I tell you I'm kidding. (Sits down again and turn to Simon) Of course I wouldn't tell him. It would hurt his feelings.
Simon: Fine. Well, I... just have to express my appreciation that you've been so open with me. I've heard enough.
Sam: (Standing up) That's it?
Diane: Of course, Sam, that's all he has to hear. The good doctor is a brilliant man. (Hugs Sam) I'm sure he has a complete handle on our relationship.
Simon: Yes, I have. You two should not only not get married, you should never see each other again.
(Sam look at him surprised and visibly annoyed and Diane looks at him shocked, clearly not expecting that kind of answer)
Diane: What?!
Simon: Well, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes a surgeon has to cut in order to cure.
Sam: Whoa... What's the problem?
Simon: Well, would that there were only one, but there are so many.
Sam: Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean.
(Diane looks at Sam and open her mouth to speak, but Simon speaks first)
Simon: I mean... First of all, and most obviously, you have absolutely nothing in common. Then, on top of that, you have an appalling lack of communication.
Diane: What about the idea that opposites attract? (Hugs Sam again)
Simon: Ah, the song of the truly desperate.
(Diane looks to the sight, tired of the negatives comments)
Simon: Well, take it from... take it from one who has observed dozens of failed marriages... The only thing that opposites attract is divorce.
Sam: Well, don't, wait a minute, don't go. (Grabs his arm to stop him from leaving) What shall we do?
Simon: Well, think yourselves lucky. I mean, you found out now. Saved yourself years,
perhaps decades, of pain and heartache. Cheerio. (Turns to leave)
Diane: (Angry and hurt) Stop right there! (In an unfriendly tone, as doubting his qualifications) Doctor... (Determined and angry) I love Sam, and he loves me! I know our relationship isn't the smoothest one you've probably run into in your career, but I'm not going to let the person I love go just because you tell me to! Or anyone! So now close that door and tell us what we should do to make our relationship work!
Simon: (Sighs exasperated) You are not going to give up, are you?
Diane: (With her eyes wide open, angry and determined) Not even if the world was ending!
Simon: (Sighs resigned and close the door) All right... Let's start with you, Sam. You are obsessed with sex! You have a beautiful and intelligent, though irritating, (Diane looks at him offended and annoyed) girlfriend, and you still think of other women? Is that because you feel she is not enough for you?
Sam: Of course not! And I don't really "think of", is more that I can't help but looking at or feeling attracted to them, but that doesn't mean I don't love Diane or that I don't find her attractive! Gosh! Have you seen that face?!
(Diane is surprised at the comment and smiles moved)
Sam: And that body... specially with little clothes on.
(Diane looks at him as if to say "Sam, that was too much. Keep things professional")
Simon: Aright. Then then you just have to learn to develop purer thoughts towards her. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to have sexual thoughts towards your partner, but it's not normal to be 90% of the time thinking about sex. I feel that you don't value your fiancée enough. From what you two have said it sounds like there is love, but there is a lack of respect. How would you feel if Diane was the one who was flirting with men all the time? How would you feel if she was disappointed about spending the rest of her life with you?
Sam: (Looks at him serious and then looks to the floor, trying to avoid contact with both Simon and Diane) I'd feel like crap... I guess... I should try to put on her shoes more often.
Simon: Yes, you should. I have a few more questions. How do you think you would have felt if, when you broke up like... two and a half years ago? Three years ago? Diane would have, for example, been hit by a car.
(Sam and Diane raise their heads and look at him, surprised at this tragic example)
Simon: Would you have left the bar if you heard screams and sirens? Or would you have stayed?
Sam: I definitely would have run up the stairs. Actually... I thought of going after her and trying to fix it, but in the end I didn't.
Diane: (Looks at him surprised) I... did the same thing... Before crossing the street, I turn around and walked back to the bar, but stopped at the top of the stairs, knowing it wasn't the right thing to do. Then I turned around again and left for good.
Simon: Mixed feelings on both sides... I see... Sam, back to my hypothetical case. If it hadn't been her, how would you have felt?
Sam: Relieved. As angry as I was, I wouldn't want to see Diane, or any of my friends, go through that kind of situation.
Simon: And how would you have felt if, when you reached the top of the stairs, the first thing you saw was your ex-girlfriend's limp body lying on the floor over a pool of blood?
Sam: (Shakes just at the thought) Shattered, and full of guilt and remorse. I don't think I would have ever forgiven myself for that fight.
Simon: What if she hadn't died and was "only" injured? How would you have felt? And what would you have done, Sam?
Sam: The same, guilty and wretched. And I would have run to her side, apologized properly and not left her side until she was fine.
Simon: (Turns to Diane) Diane, would you have accepted his apology?
Diane: After an accident like the one you described I would probably be so weak that I would be glad to see a familiar face next to me, although I would feel very hurt and angry.
Simon: Which is natural. (Turns to Sam) If you really love that woman, don't wait until you lose her to realize what she means to you. And I'm not talking about something as tragic as death, I'm talking about a breakup. (Turns to Diane) Now you, Diane. (Exasperated) Stop making everything bloody difficult! You love him, right? Then why making him suffer?! Love shouldn't be that hard! Love should be more of a haven of peace, a safe place where you always feel loved! Even when you are angry at each other! And things should be solved talking! If you are furious, it's alright. But don't insult, laugh at or hurt your partner! For God sake, you're both adults and you act like Elementary School kids! Both of you! If you want your relationship to work, you need to act like grown-ups, and talk, communicate! But in an assertive way. (Turns to Sam) Sam, you need to stop being a Don Juan. You can be nice to women, a little flirty if that's part of your charm and work, but you don't need to prove anything to anyone! Not even to yourself! Grow up already! You've had more than enough fun. If you don't want to commit, you should definitely not get married. And that's without mentioning the fact that your addiction to sex is probably just a coping mechanism to fill a void, just as you did in the past with alcohol. Next point, do not lie to her and do not insult her. If you need to vent your anger, try playing sports. Baseball, golf, even boxing! And last but not least, do not harm her on purpose. And I obviously mean emotionally. I don't think you are capable of physically hurting her, even if you're furious. (Turns to Diane) And you, Diane. Do not insult him, do not drive him crazy, do not make him do things he clearly don't enjoy and please, talk openly about your feelings. Even if it is about a sensitive topic like sex. It is essential for you two to communicate in order to reach agreements. As long as you do it tactfully to avoid hurting each other's feelings, there should be no problem. And then some pieces of advice that will probably help you. (Turns to Sam) She is clearly a hopeless romantic, but she likes things to be classy, not corny. Try to make something special from time to time. But without having sex in mind all the time as a reward. See the person you love smiling brightly is a reward itself. (Turns to Diane) Try to loosen up a bit. Don't make a fuss over things that are not that important. (To Sam and Diane) And try to find something you have in common, if you have any. Because, yes, you both enjoy having dinner together, but there's much more than food in this world. Try to find things you both enjoy. Anything! Movies, songs, sports, books, hobbies...! Something that can be enjoyed by the two of you. I'm sure that there are plenty of activities you haven't done yet. Try to make a list! And going back to the topic of sex, you Sam don't want to feel stagnant or trapped because of the fact that it will be only one woman for the rest of your life. Then try new things! Role play for example! It has endless possibilities! From the typical policeman/person under arrest, student/teacher, nurse/patient, nurse/doctor or patient/doctor roles to using wigs and even colored contact lenses or glasses to pretend you're another person! And then there is the whole word of submission/domination and sexual toys, which by the way are men best tool, not the enemy. Look, at this point I'm not going to tell you not to get married, because I know that in the end you're going to do whatever you want, but at least try to make some progress, individually and as a couple, and reflect on what I have said. I hope my advice will help you to have fewer problems. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my hotel to rest. If you have any other questions, ask Frasier, I don't want to know anything more about couples for the rest of the week. (Leaves)
(Sam and Diane look at each other and go to the couch to sit down. Both remain silent, shocked to find that they have a much longer road ahead of them than they expected. A few moments later, Frasier's scream is heard from the bar. Sam and Diane startle a bit and turns to the door)
Sam: He must have seen the bill.