Chapter Ten
Later that week, Tomas pronounces me ready for the Capitol, which is right on time because I leave for my Victory Tour in two days. I feel jittery. Some of it nervous anticipation, but I finally acknowledge to myself that this feeling that has been blossoming in my chest the last few months—and maybe since the day I met him—means that I have fallen in love with Finnick Odair.
I've had a handful of crushes before on boys I knew at school. They never became much more than that though. What I feel for Finnick is something so much deeper than those crushes ever were. It's as if my feelings for him are entwined with every vein of my body, like it was too much for my heart to handle and it spilled out like overgrown roots on a flower.
I think about talking about my feelings with Mags, but decide against it. I'd be too embarrassed. But I'm certain that Finnick, his mind so quick to pick up on things other people don't easily notice, has picked up on my feelings for him. I have no hope of him returning my feelings—he's given me no indication that he feels anything more than friendship for me. And I don't think I'd deserve for him to love me anyway. But I have to tell him, if only to have someone to hold me accountable in my resolve to get over my feelings for him. I want Finnick in my life. I don't want to mess that up, and if I can come to view him once more as just a friend, I'll have better chances of keeping him around.
Shakily, I walk toward Finnick's house, hoping to catch him at home. Before I can get to his step, he opens his front door.
His face lights up with a smile and my heart lifts just seeing him. "Annie. I was just about to go for a walk. Would you like to join me?"
"Actually, I was hoping I could talk to you about something," I say, my mouth starting to feel dry. But I know if I don't tell him soon, I'll chicken out.
"Of course. I'm always happy to talk," he says.
We walk to the side of his house, and I stop beneath his cherry tree, the branches bare. I'm too nervous to chance walking past other people and risk them overhearing our conversation. I take a deep breath, and look at Finnick's face. He smiles questioningly at me.
"Finnick," I start, "I wanted to tell you that I have feelings for you. Like, non-platonic feelings." I look down and wonder how many people have confessed their feelings to Finnick. I want to make sure he knows I mean no harm. "But I want you to know that I would never do anything to you that you didn't want, and nothing I've done for you has been to manipulate you into anything. I've done everything out of genuine friendship and I'd never want to make you uncomfortable. If me having feelings for you does make you uncomfortable, I understand and I can stay away, but I will do my best to get rid of these feelings and get back to friendship and if it's okay with you, I'd like to still be your friend."
I look up to find Finnick gazing at me, a gentle, sweet smile on his face. And for a moment, I think I might be wrong about Finnick not returning my feelings.
"Of course we can still be friends, Annie. Thank you for telling me." He grabs a branch on the tree just slightly above his head and pauses for a moment. "Since you've been vulnerable with me, I'll be vulnerable with you, though I worry you might think I'm a monster. The truth is, I don't think I'm capable of having those kind of feelings for someone. My perceptions of love, romance, and sex have been so warped by what I have to do at the Capitol that I don't know if I'm even capable of developing those feelings in a real and healthy way. Even if I were, I wouldn't be able to act on it. President Snow has as good as told me I'm never allowed to get married or have a family of my own. I'm too valuable to the Capitol." His voice is shaky, and I hear the pain and anger behind what he's saying.
My heart breaks, not only for myself but for Finnick. "You're not a monster, Finnick." I'm not sure what else I can say. "Thanks for being honest with me."
"I'm the one who should be thanking you. I've been meaning to thank you for what you did for me when I got back from the Capitol earlier and when I was sick. And being friends with you has actually helped me in a lot of ways to understand what healthy relationships can be like."
I look up to briefly smile at him, but my heart feels heavy. "Can I hug you?" I ask.
Finnick answers me by wrapping his arms around me, and I'm enveloped in his warmth. I feel the strength of his muscles through the layers of our coats. I rest my cheek on his chest and hear his heart beating, fast at first but then it calms and slows, matching my own.
I'm the first to break away. "Thank you. I should go now. Enjoy your walk." I turn and make my way back to my house without looking back. I barely make it inside when the first sob escapes me. I climb up to my room and lay on my bed as I cry.
I know I'll get over this. I've made it through much worse. But for now, I feel sad. My heart is broken twice over, and I allow myself to feel the breadth of this sorrow, telling myself this is the first step to getting my feelings back to normal.
The one good thing about my heartbreak is that it consumes my mind and I'm not even capable of thinking about the Victory Tour most of the time. But the day of the tour comes all the same.
I'm sitting on the stairs in my house recovering from an episode when they arrive. My hands are tightly pressed against my ears and my eyes squeezed shut as I try to shut out the sound of the sword slicing through Miguel's neck and the sight of his head falling to the ground. Slowly, the visions fade and I open my eyes to a wary-looking Yardley standing next to my father.
"Oh, hello," I say, trying to steady my voice.
Albina and her prep team burst through the door, chattering away. "I'd love to go out on the ocean sometime! Didn't it look marvelous? Just like the pictures!" I hear someone say.
Albina approaches me and kisses my cheeks. "Hi, Starfish. We've got lots to do today."
The prep team gets right to work, spreading all of their tools out in our bathroom, which becomes quickly cramped. But soon, my hair is dyed bright red once more, my nails painted, and I'm waxed and shaved and covered in oils and lotions.
Once I'm readied and cameras are set up in my dance studio, I give the performance that I had practiced with Tomas. I put my whole heart into the dance, really feeling the music as I move, and I know I've done a good performance. After I bow, I look up to see the camera crew, my father, and Yardley, who quickly wipes a tear from her eyes.
"Wonderful, Annie," she says. "Now, it's time for us to depart."
My father surprises me by giving me a hug before I leave. I'm startled by the affection, but I'm grateful for it. It helps me feel a bit more like a normal girl, with a father who cares about her, in front of the Capitol people, and I wonder if that's why he's done it.
The closer we get to the train, the more nervous I get. My heart pounds as I step onto the train car, and see the same decadent furniture, everything exactly as it was when I was first reaped and headed to the Capitol for the Games. Soft hands clasp my trembling ones, and I turn to see Mags has joined us.
"It's always the same," Mags says, and guides me over to the couch. She brings a platter of pastries from a serving table and hands me a chocolate one. "If I remember correctly, you could eat a whole trayful of these," she says with a slight chuckle.
I'm not in the mood to laugh, but I grab the pastry, grateful for something to do as the train starts its forward motion.
Yardley rushes over carrying a binder. "Let's go over the agenda for our tour, shall we?"
Our tour will start in District 12, and then we'll visit each District in descending order, skipping our own, before visiting the Capitol and saving ours for last. Because District 12 is so far away, we have quite a long journey. I'm exhausted from the day, and grateful there's nothing else I need to do so I can take an early bed time.
Sleep doesn't come easy to me in the train though. I lie awake for hours, thinking about the tour, and how I'll have to face the families and the Victors of each District I go to. I think about Finnick, and wonder how he felt when he went on his tour, but then try to distract my thoughts from him. I'm not supposed to think about him anymore, I tell myself. The less I think about him, the easier it will be to get over him. That's one good thing about this tour—it will give me time away from Finnick to get over him.
It's snowing in District 12 when we arrive, and I'm grateful for the warm coats and boots. We have snow in District 4, but it's nothing like this. We're greeted by peacekeepers when we enter the train station, and they quickly escort us to the Justice Building. Theirs looks similar to ours, but it hasn't been kept up the way ours has. The stone on the façade is crumbling, and everything is coated in a black dust that I'm told is coal dust from the mines.
After a few touch ups to my hair and makeup, I'm escorted outside to the assembly. Victors are required to give a speech, and it's expected that we thank the tributes from the District we're in. I look out at the people who have gathered from Twelve. They're bundled up in what I'm sure isn't warm enough for the weather. Some people have rags wrapped around their necks, and socks on their hands. Their faces are gaunt, and I'm sure beneath their clothes their bodies would look like the tributes—frail and skinny. Two families stand on platforms in front of screens that show the images of the fallen tributes. Their faces show pain and anger.
I swallow hard, my mouth dry, and lift my trembling hands to read the note cards Yardley wrote for me. I know that nothing I say will make anything better for these people, and I have to hold back tears as I begin to speak. "I'd like to thank the tributes from District Twelve for their sacrifice in the Hunger Games. Because of them, I am alive and able to continue to support the Capitol. Their sacrifice has not gone unnoticed." I glance behind me at Mags, and she gives a slight nod. Relieved, I turn and walk back inside. There's a sort of commotion behind me and I look back to see Mags accepting the flowers that the Mayor from District Twelve was supposed to give to me. I quickly turn to go back out, but peacekeepers stop me from exiting the building again.
"Honestly, Annie, I can't believe you'd spurn the mayor like that. It's the least you can do to accept his gift," Yardley says in a huff as she walks inside, her fluffy purple coat moist with melting snow.
"I didn't mean to," I say, "I forgot." My cheeks flush, and the tears I was holding back start to spill from my eyes.
"You try to be up on stage like that and remember every little detail," Mags says, handing me the flowers. It's a small bouquet of slightly wilted flowers, but they are beautiful.
Yardley walks away muttering something about how she always remembers everything, but I'm so grateful for Mags for sticking up for me. "Thank you," I say.
To call the meal District Twelve has put together a 'feast' would be generous. Even the fancy parties I've seen put on back home have more food than what they offer. A platter of seedy rolls, a sliced ham, and some cooked green beans. I take the food gratefully, and sit at the long table that has been set out in the Justice Building. I feel guilty for taking any amount of food from these people who so obviously need it. Even if this fare is sparse for what I've become accustomed to, I know it's more than most people in this District probably get. Especially since there aren't many of us at the table. There's the mayor, his wife, and young daughter, the sole Victor they have—a surly man with lank dark hair and dark grey eyes, who seems to have been drunk before the meal even started, and then Yardley, Mags, my prep team, and me. Mags explains to me that the Victor is Haymitch Abernathy, who won the 50th Hunger Games.
"He's not much of a conversationalist when he's drunk like this, which to be honest, is most of the time. But Haymitch is actually quite smart, and he can be funny when he wants to," Mags says.
I look across the table, worried Haymitch heard Mags's evaluation of him, but see that Haymitch has passed out on his plate.
As I visit each District, I learn that this kind of extreme self-medication is common for many of the Victors. Some turn to drink, others to Morphling. I've never tried either substance, but I can understand the desire to block out the memories of the Games, especially since they are brought up year after year. I'm grateful I've had Mags and Finnick there to help me keep it together as much as I have.
The assembly at each District is just as painful as at Twelve. Seeing the sorrowful faces of the tribute's families never gets easier. I make sure to remember to accept the flowers each time, not wanting another scolding like Yardley gave me in Twelve.
The food at each banquet is as varied as the weather and appearance of each District. I wish we would have been able to learn about the other Districts growing up, because I find it fascinating to see how they are set up, what they look like, and what the people do in each District. District Eleven is huge, and full of orchards and fields. Their Victors are an interesting bunch. I sit beside Seeder, who is kind and asks me about dancing, and Chaff, who laughs loudly when he drinks.
Meeting the Victors and learning about the Districts are the only things that make the tour bearable. But nothing prepares me for District Six, when I have to face the family of the girl I killed. I can't seem to meet their eyes as I stumble through my speech. I'm mid-sentence when I see the projected image of the girl, Cress, warps into an angry grimace, her teeth bared. I stop talking, trying to figure out why they would have done this. Do they do this for all the people you kill? I wonder, now trembling as I struggle to stay upright.
"I—I —" I stammer, but I'm unable to continue speaking. My voice chokes up and I start to sob, embarrassed and ashamed. You couldn't even have the decency to hold it together for my family, Cress seems to say, You just had to go and make this all about you.
I collapse on the ground, and only get up when Mags pulls me by my arm and tells me it's over. My face, now sticky with tears, burns with humiliation.
The banquet that evening is tense, and I don't even make an effort to try to join the conversation. I don't deserve to get to know these people.
The relief I feel when the banquet at District One finishes up is immense. I made it, I think to myself. I don't have to face any more of the dead. We even make it to the Capitol a day ahead of time. While I'm not looking forward to the banquet at the Capitol, I am grateful that we're just one step away from being back home. I wake early the day we arrive in the Capitol, eager to get it over with.
I'm met with a grim-faced Mags when I enter the dining car, and my good mood immediately shatters. "What's wrong?" I ask, not sure I want the answer.
"You remember what we talked about that first night you came to my house?" Mags asks. My heart sinks. "The president wants to talk to you. We got to the Capitol early because he has an assignment for you today. I'm so sorry."
I sink into a chair, shaking and trying hard not to throw up. I think of Finnick and how he's done this hundreds, maybe even thousands of times. "Okay," I say. It's all I can manage.
I'm taken straight to the President's Mansion, but am unable to admire its beautiful architecture.
My resolve to keep Finnick out of my mind was shattered the minute Mags told me about the president's plan. The thought of him is now the only thing holding me together as I repeat to myself again and again, If Finnick can do it, so can I. If Finnick can do it, so can I.
"Annie," President Snow greets me as he sits in his office, his reflection beaming from his glossy desk. "I'm sure by now you've heard from Finnick about the arrangement I have with most of the Victors."
"I have," I say, trying to keep my voice from trembling.
"Good," the president says, his cheerful tone grating against me. "That makes things easy for me. The man you are to see tonight did a great service to us in the Capitol by stopping a robbery, and he has chosen you for a reward." President Snow's hardened gaze meets my eyes and he speaks his next words forcefully. "I trust that you will do everything you can to make sure he is happy."
"Yes," I say. If Finnick can do this, so can I.
"Wonderful." President Snow presses a button on his desk, and his door opens behind me. A woman with large golden eyes and a small mouth enters. "Delphinium here will take you to get prepared for your date."
I'm taken to a hospital room, much like the one I was kept in after the Games, and given a series of shots.
"It's to prevent disease and pregnancy," Delphinium explains. "And this last one," she says, administering the shot, "Is a high dose of morphling. We find that it makes things easier for our newer Victors."
I'm immediately filled with a sense of calm detachment, as if I'm floating like a bubble in a warm tide pool. My mind fights against it, trying to bring up the feelings of panic that had filled me just moments before, but the morphling is too strong. I find myself smiling, a small giggle escaping my lips, though what I'm laughing at I have no idea.
"I see that it's working," Delphinium says. "Perfect."
Everything seems to blur together as I'm taken to a prep room. Albina greets me cheerfully as she dresses me in a sequined red dress, far more low cut than I'd ever choose for myself. Something in me wants to cry out, but at this point I'm not sure what it is or why. The prep team chatters excitedly about the man I'm going to meet and how they wish they could be "taken out on the town" like I will be. I'm only vaguely aware of a pain in my heart.
I watch in awe as brightly colored lights speed past the car window, and then I'm taken up to a hotel room, and the door opens to a man, not much younger than my father. He's dressed in a black silk robe, and his eyes crinkle as he smiles. "Hello, beautiful," he says in a husky voice, almost akin to a growl. "Do come in." He takes my hand, places a kiss on it, and leads me inside.
By the time the morphling wears off, I've been left alone in my own hotel room, sitting on the ground, and I'm hit all at once with the horror of the night and the pain the drug had been dulling. Delphinium had examined me and deemed me, "All in one piece!" She seemed delighted when she said, "Parkington was the perfect gentleman to you, aren't you lucky?" She gave me a pad for the bleeding, and then sent me along my way.
I jump when I hear a knock at the door. It creaks slowly open, and I see Mags, dressed in her pajamas, coming towards me. She says not a word, but encompasses me in her arms, as warm and soft as ever. A howl escapes me as I begin to cry, and she just holds me tighter. My body is racked by sobs again and again, and every time I think they've stopped, they start up again.
I'm not sure how long we sit like that, Mags holding me while I cry, but I must have moved to the bed and fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing I know, I'm waking up to the light streaming through the window beside my bed. I sit up and see Mags is asleep on the chair in the corner of the room. The memory of the day before hits me, but the only feeling I'm left with is emptiness.
I drag myself through the day in a daze. When Albina and her prep team come to make me up for the party, I feel sick to my stomach. I had trusted Albina and it really felt like she was on my side. But she seemed to have no remorse over facilitating what happened last night. It's true that she facilitated the Hunger Games too, but it felt so much more personal this time. Her prep team were excited for me. I realize that I will never trust any of them again and make no effort to make any conversation.
Having to go to the President's mansion again and be paraded around as Victor feels awful, like I am just a prize to be admired more than a human being. There are so many people there, and I'm overloaded by the visual and auditory stimulation of the people, their brightly colored clothes and hair, the music, and even the food.
Mags sticks by my side and gets me to eat some soup. It's a cold melon soup with lavender oil. "The lavender might help calm you," she says. It really is delicious, but it turns sour in my stomach after a few bites. I'm introduced to so many people, and with each one I can't help but wonder if they are plotting to buy me too. Luckily Parkington doesn't show up. I don't think I could handle facing him again.
The night is almost over and fireworks are going off outside when Finnick appears. He's wearing a dark blue suit, his gold tie askew. He rushes toward me, his face full of concern. "I heard what happened," he says, his eyes scanning my face.
Not wanting to cry here in front of everyone, I simply nod my head. Finnick tentatively reaches his arms toward me, and I lean into him, letting him hug me. My heart races as I try to tamp down my emotions, willing myself not to cry.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers into my hair.
I feel myself melt into him and it's as if our bodies become molded together and everything else dissolves for a minute. It's just me and Finnick, our chests moving in unison as we breathe. For the first time since I left District Four, I feel safe.
We're interrupted when Yardley approaches us. "It's time for us to go!"
Finnick and I break apart and I see Yardley's tired face break into a smile. "Oh, Finnick, how lovely for you to be here. Did you get to enjoy any of the food?" She walks over to the tables, grabs a plate, and starts piling it up with cakes and cookies. I look over to Mags, Finnick's arm still around my shoulders, and Mags shakes her head.
"For you," Yardley says, her smile revealing a smudge of purple lipstick on her teeth.
"Thanks," Finnick says, "But I already ate." He takes the plate anyway. "We can eat this later though, I suppose."
Yardley looks disappointed. "Right. Well, let's get back to the train. We've still got our party in District Four to get to."
Back on the train, everyone but me and Finnick have gone to bed. Finnick sits beside me on the plush couch, sharing a woven blue blanket with me and sipping a mug of hot chocolate. He poured one for me too, but I don't think I have the energy to even reach out to grab the mug.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I hear Finnick say beside me.
Without looking over at him, I shake my head 'no.' "I know you've been through much worse," I say instead, keeping my eyes on the blanket in front of me, watching the tassels that hang down gently shake from the movement of the train. I know that the only reason Finnick was even in the Capitol today was because he also had an assignment.
"That doesn't mean that what you went through isn't awful."
I nod my head, and feel my eyes hot with tears. "I just thought that the worst was over after I made it through all the Districts, and then they sprung that on me." I begin to cry and feel Finnick's hand on my back as he tries to comfort me, but I shift forward, away from his hand. "I'll be okay," I say as I stand up, wiping my face. "I just need to get some sleep."
I start to walk to my bedroom compartment and hear Finnick behind me say in a soft voice, "Good night, Annie."
I get to my room, now fueled by a strange sort of energy, and go straight into the bathroom. I strip myself of my clothes, and step into the shower, turning the water on as hot as I can stand it. I select the most abrasive soap I can find, and scrub my body once, twice, three times before rinsing off completely. But the feeling of contamination doesn't leave me.
Drained, I wrap myself in a bath robe and lay on top of my bed, waiting for sleep to overtake me.