"TAKE A MULLIGAN" - CHAPTER 1: DERAILED

He had claimed he loved her, more than anything in this life, including his own.

Six years ago Finn Hudson had 'set her free' at a train station, then simply vanished from Rachel Berry's world for good. What she wasn't aware of was that he'd also left HIS world forever as well, disappearing from Lima without notice or forwarding address.

During the first few months she thought surely she'd hear from him, but she never did. After a while when her calls, texts, emails and letters all went unanswered, it began to feel like he'd never existed - except for the residual memories and her missing soul - which he took with him, along with her heart. But she'd given that to him willingly years ago and never gotten it back. She never asked for it back.

Oh, the night terror phase was a real joy for Kurt too. He became convinced he'd never get a decent night's sleep again while his roommate nightly transformed into a shrieking banshee at 2 or 3 am. She felt bad for dragging him through her hell. She offered to move out, but he wouldn't hear of it; he was her best friend and would not abandon her. He'd endure, and try to help glue her back together again, even if he was barely holding himself together in the process.

It took the first year and half to finally accept he was not coming back to her and therefore must've never really loved her. It took another year after that to try and stop needing him to survive like water or oxygen. Problem was, she still didn't know how to actually stop loving him. Even if she hated him. Even if she cursed the day she ever met him. Even while she was sleeping with and engaged to another man.

Over the years there've been dark periods that hit without warning; the times when she'd lock herself in her room and pull out the small cedar chest in which she had entombed the remnants of an other-worldly epic romance that she started to doubt was ever real. She'd allow herself to indulge in the memories of that past life with him, while losing herself in the bottle of vodka she kept hidden in her closet for just the occasion. Rachel was never a drinker, but for this she hoped if she could practice being numb while exposed to what she once revered as her most precious memories, maybe one day it would be true. Maybe one day, she just wouldn't feel anything when one of those errant memories escaped the locked box in her mind. Because not feeling had to be a better alternative to feeling everything all at once, including and especially the memory of losing him, losing them. And that feeling, she was sure, was what would eventually kill her if she didn't find a way to cope. She spent so long being a part of 'Finn and Rachel', so who was she now without him?

Brody Weston helped. He'd been her friend and mentor through her freshman & sophomore year. Even after he graduated, he'd continued to be her support. But he wasn't Finn. She knew that, and so did he. He waited. He'd always wanted more with her from the day they'd met, but he knew she wasn't over 'the ex'. He even thought she might never be over him. So it came as a total surprise that first time she actually kissed him. And it came as more of a surprise when she finally had sex with him - sex she initiated. Of course, she hid the fact that she was usually drunk - she was a great actress after all, and smart enough to know that vodka wasn't so noticeable on her breath. Either way he didn't question it.

He'd proposed to her under a cherry blossom tree in Battery Park. It was an overcast day in the spring, but he'd told her that was because the sun knew it didn't hold a candle to the shine that emanated from Rachel Berry. When she said yes, he believed he'd finally won her over, body, mind and soul. Well, body and mind at least. He was pretty sure no matter how much time passed, her soul would never really return to her, let alone ever be something she'd share with him. He still held out hope that he'd earned at least a genuine sliver of her heart. But he was so infatuated with her, he was resigned to take whatever parts she had and was willing to offer. for now.

She'd said yes, but she wanted a long engagement. There was no need to rush, she had work and auditions coming up; she needed to focus on her career. He agreed. She considered a Vegas elopement at one point, but he wouldn't hear of it, and really, in the end, just saying the word evoked another of those errant memories from the locked box.

Eventually, she agreed to a small ceremony, planned for September, with only their closest family and a few friends. That would be pretty easy, since most of them didn't approve of her new choice in partner, of 'replacement Finn', so most of New Directions wouldn't be attending, except Kurt & Blaine (both begrudgingly). Even her dads had questioned why she was about to marry a man she didn't really love. Of course, she'd argued that they were wrong, that she did love him - but deep down she knew she was just going through the motions, saying what she thought she was supposed to say and maybe one day she'd actually convince herself of the same.

. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *

She claimed she loved him, more than anything else is the world, even more than her dreams of Broadway.

From the day he'd met her, Finn always known that girl was better than him; more talented, more passionate, more driven, meant to be so much more. She was more special than he'd ever deserve in this or a dozen lifetimes, but he'd been so selfish back then. He wanted - no, needed - to be close to her, to bask in the warmth from her bright light. To breathe her essence. She was a force of nature, so certain of her future, so positive, and so reinforcing of her beliefs in him. She made him feel good about himself, about life, their life together.

But being young and inexperienced and, honestly, hormonal sometimes, he'd already failed her so many times throughout their tumultuous relationship. His penchant for breaking her heart over and over should have been a warning sign to him, but he wrote it off as the learning curve of youth. And anyway, she kept coming back to him time and again. That had to mean something, right?

By senior year it was becoming clear she'd had a certain charted course that lead on a singular path, but he still had no idea what he wanted to do with himself. They were Finn and Rachel together; how could he be Finn without her? Who was Finn on his own? He didn't have any idea. His own uncertainty, fears and self-doubt were getting in the way, clouding his judgment.

She wanted to defer a year to help him find a path. A year in the mind of a teenager is like, forever. He refused to be the lead weight tied to her that sank her ambition while he floundered trying to have any at all. And he'd be damned if she gave up what was meant to be her future to waste any more time on him, a directionless loser.

She wanted him to come with her to NYC. At first he'd agreed, because he could never say no those eyes, but when he thought about what being in the city without a plan for his life would actually mean to her future, he knew he would just be in her way, pulling her focus and holding her back. He refused to do that. She deserved better than that, better than him.

He knew her talent was so big she would succeed without him, in spite of him, but that if he were to stay in her life in any capacity she'd never let him go; her dreams would die and he would end up pulling her under the current with him. He couldn't be the guy living off her success, and he absolutely wouldn't be the guy who held her back from it. That only left one option.

Finn couldn't accept that he was worth more to her than her future stardom and was determined for her to resume her originally scheduled path in life, following her dreams unimpeded by the distraction of him and his less-than-nothing life's problems. Who's he kidding, what life? He knew he had no direction - at least that's what he told himself.

The way he looks at it, a precious few moments of being part of something special with her was better than a lifetime of nothing special without her. It was more than he ever deserved and she'd given it willingly, he still didn't know why. So he'd walked too close to the sun and was willing to go on burning forever because of it, because of his own self-serving desires. He'd been selfish long enough. He loved her enough to set her free, even though he knew it just might kill him. Now he'd get what he deserved. A tortured existence full of memories that continue to haunt him, and her voice in his head, still following him everywhere he goes.

The day he made up his mind about sending to her to NYC, Finn decided the only way he could survive losing her was to start over somewhere else. Somewhere not tainted by memories or HER, of THEM. He knew there was no exorcist available to cleanse him of his own tortured memories, so he thought he'd try to escape them physically at least. He'd moved around like a nomad, taking odd jobs wherever he landed for a while, earning just enough money to get by. He'd even thought of leaving the country, but he didn't have a passport and getting one was going to be a pain in the ass, not to mention passports cost money he didn't have.

**You're better than this Finn, you're better than all of them** Bullshit. If that were true, he would have had some clue what he was going to do with his life by now. He wouldn't be this self-loathing loser with nothing to offer anyone, least of all her. Even if he had a plan, what could he ever give her that she couldn't provide for herself?

. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *

For the first 6 months after the train station, Kurt spoke to him once a week, usually by phone; video chats were extremely rare. The rules of communication were simple - never while 'she' was home or anywhere within hearing distance of their talks, and NEVER any mentioning 'her' to him and vice-versa. He'd made it perfectly clear there was to be a clean break.

The only reason he was willing to speak to Kurt at all was for the sake of his mother, but talking directly to her would only amplify his pain and weaken his resolve. He knew his mother wouldn't understand and he really didn't want to hear the heartbreak in her voice anymore than he wanted to think about what he did to… her.

….. SAVE THE DATE:

….. Saturday, September 28th, 2019

….. Rachel Barbra Berry & Brody Weston

….. Invite You To Share In Their Nuptials

….. At A Private Ceremony In New York City.

….. Formal Invitation To Follow.

The day Kurt 'slipped up' and told him about her engagement was the last day he'd ever heard from his brother. That was over a year ago.

Over the last six years, every trip home, every holiday, family event or special occasion, Kurt had hoped he would find Finn there, or news about Finn; instead it was always met with a Finn-shaped hole in the festivities. Even his own mother wasn't sure where he was or why he stayed away. She only received an occasional one sentence email from him simply saying 'don't worry, still breathing, love you.' And he never responded to any of her replies either.

. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *

Brody was not the easiest person to live with, but neither was Rachel. Like her, he'd been hoping to live the Broadway dream, but in the absence of that career being successful, he'd wanted to relocate to Los Angeles and try his luck in the film industry. He thought he could probably at least land a reality show.

She refused to leave New York City. He'd known that about her from the beginning and for now, this was his sacrifice. But with sacrifice comes resentment. As he watched her slowly progress from garnering small roles as an extra in the chorus, to understudy, to smaller parts in off-Broadway productions, he knew a time would come when she'd finally get that supporting role and eventually, leading role on Broadway. He wanted her to succeed, he just thought he'd also be succeeding by now. He felt weighed down by the sacrifice of staying for her happiness. So he drank, or enjoyed the occasional line of coke, all in the name of drowning his sorrows while his dreams withered on the vine, while he watched HER star rising.

The really bad times were when she picked fights with him. She accused him of not being motivated, of not trying to earn a decent wage to help support them. She accused him of cheating on her, even though she had no proof. But the reason she never spoke out loud for picking those fights in the first place was simple: he wasn't Finn. Brody knew it, and he held that realization at bay and told himself with enough time she would get past these tyraids. But it's been 6 years since he met her, 3 years since they started dating and she's no closer to closure today than she was the day she arrived in New York. She simply learned to compartmentalize her past to try to move forward, even if it was a hollow attempt at a life. The wrong life. She was going through the motions, but she wasn't really living. He saw it every day, and he stayed anyway.

So on the really bad nights when he'd come home under the influence of something, and she was hiding her own inebriation, well… match, meet kerosene. He didn't mean to hit her, it usually only happened after she kicked off the initial assault; a thrown vase or dinner plate, the demeaning vitriol she'd spew at him. The words that hurt the most were the ones telling him he was a lousy lay, couldn't measure up to Finn if he had a yardstick and a map. The one time her aim was spot on earned him a trip to the emergency department and 16 stitches. The most recent time he retaliated successfully, she'd had to lock herself in her room for 3 days to hide the bruises. They were becoming toxic, or maybe they'd always been, but she couldn't get out of the bottom of the bottle long enough to see it, and he was in too much denial to let her go.

. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *

Kurt knew it was bad. Kurt tried to pull her away from her own demons and save her from herself. It never worked. She'd make excuses for the new bruises. She'd tell him that Brody loved her in his own way, which was more than anyone else was willing to do, that nobody else would ever accept her broken, damaged brand of crazy, and that for the most part, she was content, happy even. Not that he believed a word of any of it. Maybe she was still trying to convince herself?

Despite his brother's 2-way communication blackout, Kurt continued to at least email him occasionally in the hope that if nothing else, he was at least reading his messages. Kurt felt compelled to snap Finn out of whatever insane funk he was allowing himself to be bogged down and mired in for this length of time - which certainly couldn't be healthy. So far nothing he'd tried ever elicited the response he'd hoped for, but maybe this last ditch effort was the 'big guns' necessary to get his attention.

Kurt knew, maybe better than anyone, that despite his self-inflicted boycott of all things Rachel related, SHE might also be the one thing that would bring his brother back. It was also possible he'd just extend the silence and shut down the email account altogether, but it was a risk he had to take because desperate times called for desperate measures. And he was desperate to help save Rachel, his best friend.

"Dear Finn,

I know I've tried to reach out to you numerous times hoping you'd reconsider this self-imposed exile, to no avail. You should know, Carole, y'know - YOUR MOTHER, is worried sick and has not been doing well since you left. I think she's developing an ulcer, and she's certainly not sleeping well. At least you have the decency to drop her a single phrase email once a month or so, but how long do you think she can live on that? Years are passing Finn, and her time here isn't finite. Please think about her….

Now I have to do something I didn't want to. I'm breaking my brotherly pact of silence on the 'R' subject with you, because there's something you need to know. I think you'd want to know. I realize you only did what you did from a place of undying love, so it's under that guise I have to share this information with you.

Rachel is not well, Finn. More than not well, she is not SAFE. Things in her life are not going the way you probably had hoped. I've been trying my best to reason with her and to save her from herself, but she's put herself in a precarious situation - a potentially lethal situation - and will not listen to me or anyone else. As much as it pains me to say it (and it DOES pain me), YOU helped create this problem for her. But I'm more sorry to say, I think you might be the only person who can get her out of it.

I apologize for putting this on you, I know you might hate me for writing to you about this, if you're even reading it. But you need to consider, if you really still care about her having ANY future, maybe it's time you come and tell her that yourself. You know where we are.

We miss you Finn. She absolutely misses you, and she needs you whether she knows it or not. I think you still need her, just as much if not more. For whatever your reasons were back then, you two WERE good together once. And I'm certain if the roles were reversed, she would still help you, even now. Maybe you don't want to hear that, but you know it's true.

I hope you read this and can forgive me. And I hope you're taking care of yourself. I love and miss you brother. Please come back to us. Our world isn't the same without you in it.

Kurt"

. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *

Puck was Finn's best friend. They'd grown up together, attended school from kindergarten to high school graduation together. There was nothing the two didn't share with each other over the majority of a lifetime. They were brothers. So when Finn concocted this insane scheme to set Rachel free and then disappear from Lima forever without even a goodbye or a forwarding address, it made no sense that Puck was just another one of the last to find out after the fact.

How could his friend make such a rash life-changing decision without even a single conversation? Not only did it infuriate him, but it bewildered him and he refused to accept it. He'd spent the last 6 years searching for his friend, if for no other reason than to know he was ok; and he vowed if he ever found him, part of him fully intended to kick his ass. HARD.

Puck and Kurt had stayed in loose contact over the years. At least he was able to get a little bit of second hand information about Finn through Kurt in the beginning. But in the past couple of years, the updates slowed to a trickle, until they just completely stopped altogether.

The only updates Kurt could offer anyone nowadays were about Rachel.

In fact, Kurt made a point to keep all their old friends in the loop about Finn and Rachel over these past years - as much as there was a loop to keep them in, anyway. Everyone was concerned, more about her than him, probably because there wasn't much to be said about him most of the time.

The majority of the former Ohio clan was disinterested in hearing about her and Brody - not that they didn't think it was good for her to move on, but more for the fact that she was moving on with that guy. Everyone knew he was a rebound, a substitute. A few of them even tried an intervention of sorts.

Puck especially had tried to talk some sense into her on more than one occasion, even face to face on his last trip to visit them in the city. But that was before she moved in with the tool. These days she's not even returning his calls anymore, so there isn't much else Puck can do from states away.

. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *

Santana Lopez was one of the last people Finn would've considered a close friend, despite that one humiliating past sexual encounter with her that he'd spend the rest of his life regretting. No matter how things washed out in the aftermath of that tawdry one night stand, however, Santana would still consider Finn her friend. One of the few in fact, who would stand up and fight for her, because that's the kind of guy he was.

Like Puck, she too would find out about the Train that Derailed Finchel and Finn's dropping off the grid after the fact; she too would be left with a lack of acceptance or understanding about it. But unlike all her other so-called friends, she was one of the few in a position to try to do something about it.

Over the years she'd gone through many vocations. Tried the police academy, but decided it wasn't her cup of tea - too strict, and she wasn't a fan of guns. Then it was paralegal school, but too many formal rules for her liking and she thinks all lawyers set off her bullshit detector too much; it was exhausting.

In the end, she found her footing as a private investigator. It was a role that allowed her to use her astute people-reading skills and keen bullshit detector. All the other 'failed' training she'd received would only come in handy for this job. After a year working for other PI's, she was able to start her own agency.

It was therefore no surprise to her when one Noah Puckerman sought her assistance to help solve a certain missing persons case, one that hit close to home for both of them.

Over the last 2 years she'd been searching for one Finn Christopher Hudson, both on the job and off. It's kind of been taking over her life actually, especially in light of the latest Rachel update she'd gotten from Puck. She'd had a couple of promising leads - one pretty recently. But by the time they were followed, the trail went cold again. That son of a bitch was a little more clever than she'd expected. She'd gotten close though, so she knew it was a matter of time.

. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *