Elizabeth was transfixed. Listening as Virginia Woolf read out exerpts from her book had taken her away from this salon to a ship on the ocean. A place where the problems of her life were left behind and she didn't have to face the choices that filled her head from the moment she woke each day.
She listened intently, trying to understand how this woman she had never met seemed to know her very thoughts. Almost as though she could see into her soul. The words were clear, cutting into her being as each quote made her think about what had brought her here this evening. Or more precisely, who.
The voice carried on reading. "That was the strange thing, that one did not know where one was going, or what one wanted, and followed blindly, suffering so much in secret, always unprepared and amazed and knowing nothing; but one thing led to another and by degrees something had formed itself out of nothing, and so one reached at last this calm, this quiet, this certainty, and it was this process that people called living."
One thing Elizabeth knew she did not have was calm or certainty. And was this really living? She wasn't even sure why she accepted this invitation, except that she was desperate to hear this new author that Viola had spoken about. Having read her debut novel, The Voyage Out, there was something so exciting about her writing that fired up Elizabeth's creative energy. This is what I want, she thought, to be able to capture readers with my words.
There were few modern female writers willing to address the topics that Virginia Woolf found so easy to discuss, brave enough to write about the world from the perspective of women who wanted to break free from the rules and constraints placed upon them. But then, she had gained her degree from the Ladies' Department of Kings College in London, the idea of which thrilled Elizabeth as she thought about how much she wished she was like her, trying through her writing to change the world for other women.
But that didn't solve her problem here. She realised she had made a mistake in coming alone with Lucas as soon as they arrived. Why didn't Rosemary or Bill try to stop her. And what must Nathan be thinking about her? Or if Mr Landis found out?
Glancing sideways at Lucas she wondered what his motives were for this trip. He claimed it was all above board and there was nothing untoward in his invitation, that he merely wanted her to enjoy the book reading. But she knew he was a practiced charmer and the attention to detail he gave to everything was designed to make her feel special. He had obviously planned the spot where they had stopped for lunch along the way which along with the hamper of delicious treats was designed to make a woman fall under his spell. But was that what she wanted? Did she want to spend the rest of her life being fawned over, like an accessory to what he viewed as their perfect life?
He had admitted that he hadn't read the book that was being discussed and that he knew nothing of Virginia Woolf. Taking another quick look at him she would almost have thought he had fallen asleep but then his hand reached across to take hers and a seemingly smug smile appeared on his face. He was like the cat that has got the cream, she thought!
Yet she was sure Nathan not only knew the author but had read this novel. He had spoken of how he enjoyed the work of many female authors and if she wasn't mistaken he had referenced it when they spoke the other day. She was sure it was a direct quote. When he asked her how her story was going and she sighed, he had been encouraging, reassuring her that it was there somewhere inside of her, she just needed to dig deep.
She had laughed then, asking him if he thought everyone had a book inside of them. Did he? His reply surprised her, "I want to write a novel about Silence, the things people don't say." Yes, it was definitely from the book.
It had seemed a strange answer at the time but now she understood what he meant. Nathan didn't need to have long conversations to understand people, he seemed able to see into their souls and understand what they were feeling.
At that moment Lucas reached across to her again and the author's words cut into her thoughts, "Why was it that relations between different people were so unsatisfactory, so fragmentary, so hazardous, and words so dangerous…."
She struggled to get up but whispers of "quiet" from behind made her sit back. Lucas's hand was on her arm and she almost shrank back from it, so disgusted was she now with her own actions.
The author continued, "You're the only person I ever met who seems to have the faintest conception of what I think."
It could have been written about Nathan, she suddenly thought! Once again she glanced at Lucas and the sickness in the pit of her stomach increased.
At the front of the room Virginia Wolf paused, watching the scene unfolding between the couple in the audience. There was something about the woman, like a lost child uncertain of where she was going. It was as though she could see her turning this way and that, trying to find the right path. Or the right person.
The author knew that feeling. Her whole life had been one of troubled emotions, never sure of what was happening or what she wanted. She had finally found the freedom she desired in her writing and by surrounding herself with kindred spirits. Artists, musicians, other writers. But even that was not enough and at times she found herself plunged into periods of deep depression.
She could see it on the woman's face, her eyes showing the turmoil that was occupying her mind. Delving deep she thought of words that could perhaps calm her, lift her from the gloom that seemed to suddenly surround her.
At these viewings she liked to watch the audience as they arrived, wanting to get an idea in her head of what they were like. She had noticed the couple, the man seeming to bustle his way in as though he was someone of importance. The woman was animated, her excitement obvious and she just knew that she was a writer herself. They were always easy to spot.
What had happened to make her change? Clearly a schism had developed between the two and yet no words had been exchanged. The battle was raging inside the woman's head alone while the man seemed oblivious to anything but his need to keep her close. From the scornful glances flung his way that was certainly not what the woman wanted.
The interval was approaching and as she nodded to the musicians at the back to begin playing she finished this first half with another quote from her book, "It appeared that nobody ever said a thing they meant, or ever talked of a feeling they felt, but that was what music was for."
As these words left her mouth she saw the woman's head shoot up, her eyes looking straight at her as if to say "You know! You understand. What should I do?"
But the author was carrying her own demons and the more time she spent away from the people and places she knew the harder it was for her to deal with them, let alone help someone else. Elizabeth watched the woman on the dais give a final sympathetic look towards her as she turned and made her way back through the curtain. Of course she was not going to have the answer, it was not her problem, so she sat rooted to her chair, not sure what to do next.
Lucas's voice caught her attention. "Elizabeth! What is wrong with you. Can you not see that people are looking at us and wondering what is going on?" She looked up, the expression on his face one of restrained anger and she had a sudden image of a future where this was how he would react to anything that wasn't as he wanted.
She felt the pain then, the realisation of knowing that she had risked losing the one person who accepted her need to take everything slowly, a man who was patient, not pushing her into what she was not ready for but waiting until she could work it out in her own mind. "Oh Nathan," she thought, "how can I ever explain this to you?"
But then she realised she wouldn't have to. He knew that this wasn't really her, that she had been chasing a dream of something that would keep her from facing the reality of her life, of avoiding the guilt that she was betraying Jack by acknowledging her feelings for Nathan. But still she had besmirched the memory of her late husband in a different way and he would have been the first to tell her that.
"I need to go Lucas," she announced, not bothering to look at his face to see his reaction. "This is wrong. We are wrong. In fact there is no we and there never will be."
She did look up then, feeling the anger emanating from his body, his expression not hiding what he was thinking, his clenched fists all she needed to see to worry what he would do. "Now, Elizabeth? You are saying this now after all I have done for you? Let us go back to the hotel and we will talk there."
"No Lucas. We will go back to the hotel and I will go to my room. Tomorrow I will arrange for someone to take me back to Hope Valley. Alone!"
His displeasure was clear to everyone around and people stepped back to make way as he turned angrily and stomped off. Elizabeth wasn't sure what to do next. The hotel was some distance but she imagined it would not be too difficult to get a cab at that time of night.
Suddenly she felt a hand under her elbow and looking up she saw Bill standing in front of her and without turning she knew Nathan was beside her, his hand guiding her away from watching eyes.
"What are you both doing here?"
It was Bill who answered, "You didn't think we were going to let you come alone with Lucas?"
Elizabeth smiled for the first time then, glad that despite the way she had treated him of late he was still here to support her. "I can't believe you have done this? How did you know I would need you?"
"It wasn't me, Elizabeth. No-one was comfortable at the idea of you being here but it was Nathan who decided things when I told him where you had gone. Who would have thought that our quiet Mountie had the connections to obtain tickets at the very last minute or that he would be able to fill me in on Miss Woolf's book on our journey here. He really is a dark horse."
Elizabeth turning towards Nathan, feeling as though she was seeing him clearly for the first time. "It seems he is and I am looking forward to finding out what other talents he has been keeping from us. It is time for me to start living in the present. And look to my future."
Nathan smiled at her then, the look on his face showing just how much he had longed to hear these words. Then he spoke, "To quote our author tonight, You cannot find peace by avoiding life."
From behind the curtain Virginia Woolf was watching, glad to see that at least for some the dark clouds were lifting.