TAKE A MULLIGAN - CHAP 3: SIDE-STEPPING LANDMINES
The morning after….
Finn wakes up with the late morning sun streaming into his eyes. As he starts to become more alert, he recognizes the familiar warm feeling of a small arm draped across his torso and the tickle of silky long locks on his arm. It wasn't a dream, and she's still here with him. She'd stayed. He smiles widely, laying perfectly still and just studying her still sleeping form, not wanting to disturb this moment. Who knows when it might happen again - or even if.
** I'm marrying you, and nothing makes me happier. Even if we have to sit in these ugly fold-out chairs **
As he looks at her, retracing every inch of the canvas he'd painted so many times with his eyes and fingertips, he's noticing things are out of place. There are 3 or 4 older looking healed scars on her back and shoulder, and 2 newer looking long scratches. They don't look to be caused by fingernails in the throws of passion either. Her hand twitches a little and catches his eye. He sees several bandages around the knuckles and the back of her hand. Scanning further up her arm, he sees a very long but not so deep looking cut near her elbow. There's also several blueish-purple marks on her back, mostly around the bony protuberances of her shoulder blades, and a few dotting along her spine, and there's a greenish yellow mark on her cheek. Bruises.
She's covered in cuts and bruises. 'Tip of the iceberg', right. Jesus Christ. It's really true, and now he's seen the damage with his own eyes. He feels sick. He's figuring he's going to end up in jail today, because right then he's flipped into murderous mode and is trying to decide on how best to dispose of a body, when she stirs.
She snuggles closer to him, pulling herself up onto his chest and releases a completely content sigh, the one that's almost a moan. It's a sound he's very familiar with and one of his favorites. She usually begins softly snoring once she's in this position, and he loves the sound of that too, because the little vibrations tickle his chest. Probably out of habit, she's issuing butterfly kisses on his chest in her sleep. Finn's arm wraps around her shoulder of its own accord, and he kisses the top of her head, breathing in that delicious fruity scent he'd missed so much.
** We can get married in New York and live in a little shoebox apartment together. It'll be romantic **
So many of these little automatic responses just come natural to both of them, having perfected their dance together for so long. Six years' absence couldn't erase these habits; maybe nothing ever would. He starts wondering if she does these things in her sleep with HIM, and just then her breathing changes.
The weight of his arm and the feel of his kiss in her hair causes her eyes to fly open. She's a little foggy but her muscle memory tells her exactly who this is, and she realizes immediately that it certainly isn't her fiancé. She shoots up like a spring while scooting away and pulls the sheet tightly to herself.
"Rach, you ok?"
"Am I Ok? Umm.. NO, Finn, I don't think that I am. Because apparently, I've just become a cheating whore in this very bed. Should I be okay with that?"
"Don't say that Rachel, you're not a whore… in a million years you could never—"
"Don't tell me what I am or am not! I cheated! With YOU of all people!"
"Rach.. " he sighs because technically, he knows she's right. "I'm sorry."
"Wow. You're just FULL of apologies all of a sudden aren't you? Six years of silence and now.. quite the loquacious wordsmith you've become!" she hisses with sarcasm.
She's freaking out. A Freaking-out-Rachel is not a good way to start the day. He needs to pivot, change the subject quickly. "Ok. How about telling me about these cuts, and bruises all over your back, and this one on your cheek," he reaches out and gently brushes a finger down the side of her face. "Were you in some kind of accident?"
She just blinks at him with her mouth partly agape. She appears to be trying to find words. Speechless again. This may be a bad thing this time. He sits up and leans closer to her to look her in the eyes.
"Rachel, are you ok, I mean did you get hurt, were you in an accident? What happened? You can tell me. I know you hate me and everything, but can you maybe put that aside for a minute, try to remember - to believe - that I'm still me, and you can still tell me anything? Six years and all the distance in the world couldn't change that."
"Couldn't change that? REALLY? YOU WERE GONE FINN. That changed a hell of a lot in my life! It changed ME!"
Dammit. Maybe this was the wrong subject. She jumps out of bed wrapping the sheet around her body and begins searching for her clothes, which apparently got strewn all over the room. A Rachel Berry stormout is imminent. He jumps up too, throwing on his boxers and runs over to her. He grabs her by the shoulders and makes her look at him in the eye.
"Rach I'm sorry, I should have stopped this last night. It's my fault, not yours. You were just, emotional and caught in the heat of the moment, and I knew it was wrong."
"STOP apologizing to me FINN!" she yells as the tears begin to spill down her beautiful face. "And stop with the chivalry, I'm a grown woman and I can live with my own goddamned mistakes!"
"Hold on Rachel, I know it was wrong of me - of us - to let things get this far last night, but how can this really have been a mistake?"
"Because, FINN… I AM ENGAGED, remember?!" she yells, as she continues scrambling around the room in search of her clothes.
He's following her around the room as she continues gathering her things. "Well okay, but if HE matters that much to you, why did you stay? Not just the sex, but you actually STAYED, slept here, all night with me. Doesn't that count for something?"
He's hoping this is a step toward making her realize something is really not right with that so-called relationship and her asshole fiancé. He's looking for a way of making her see it for herself, but he knows if he points it out directly, he's lost the battle.
"No, no, no! We're not having this conversation right now. I need to leave Finn! I'm already going to have to explain why I didn't come home, and FUCK where are my panties? Screw it, you keep them!" She locks herself in the guest bathroom, slamming the door in Finn's face.
He plops down on the end of the bed and blows out a long ragged breath, rubbing the remnants of sleep out of his eyes. He decides he should get dressed as well. When he grabs his jeans off the floor, he finds the pink lace hanging out of his front pocket. He couldn't help himself smiling while thinking of how they got there. "Rach I found your.. "
Now dressed, she emerges from the bathroom as he finishes his sentence "...panties." She scowls and snatches them out of his hand with a huff. Her angry face hasn't changed much in six years, that's for sure.
"Listen, I know you need to go, but can we please talk later? Can we meet somewhere or, can I text you at least? Unless you really do hate me that much still. Because I understand if you do.. But–"
She's scurrying around collecting her shoes and sliding them on hurriedly. "Kurt will give you my number. I have to go. I can't, I-I just don't know anything right now. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stayed the night. Just… text me so I have your number - but do NOT call, please. Goodbye Finn. Oh… welcome back."
Despite her words sounding more laced with vinegar and ice than bathed in warm sentiment, at least she seems willing to communicate again. Maybe that bridge didn't burn all the way? He decides to take that as a small victory for now. He has to remind himself, there's a long game to be played here, and he has a lot of ground to cover.
. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *
"Where the fuck were you all night? I texted. Ten times." Brody sneers at her.
Rachel enters their apartment to find Brody sitting in the living room staring out the window. He didn't bother looking up when she came in. He looks pretty rough around the edges, like maybe he's been up all night. Probably because he just got home himself, she thinks. That wouldn't be anything new.
"Yeah… I passed out at Kurt's. Sorry I didn't text or anything. I wasn't planning to sleep there, we watched a movie and.. food coma I suppose." Great and now she's a liar as well as a cheater. "Of course, if you had a JOB to go to you probably wouldn't have noticed," she scoffs under her breath.
He heard her anyway. "Yeah well I'm working on something today - and I'm sure you wouldn't have bothered to TELL me if I hadn't been here, right? That's the way things work between us now, isn't it? I don't ask so you don't tell, or I do ask and you still don't tell?"
Rachel heads to their bedroom and gathers fresh clothes as he follows behind. "Whatever. I don't want to fight. I'm taking a shower."
"Oh NOW you don't want to fight? What's the occasion? Should I buy some balloons? Flowers maybe?"
"Brody please. I actually have a day, and things to do, places to be." she says coldly.
"Well maybe you should think about that before you spend the night elsewhere next time."
She ignores his goading and closes the bathroom door, locking it behind her. Her purse is laying on the bed and her cell phone inside is buzzing. It catches his attention and his curiosity gets the better of him. Brody picks it up and sees an unfamiliar number flash across the screen with a new text alert.
:: Hey You. it's Me. Now you have my number. Talk soon, I hope? ::
"Well well... who the hell is 'ME'?" he mutters to himself. He's tempted to actually call the number, but he doesn't. She's pretty great at accusing him all the time - of cheating, of not being trustworthy, of not giving her enough 'space' when she needs it, of not caring about her 'feelings'. Best to not give her fuel by adding snooping to her list. She'll explain at some point. He'll make sure she does. But he's torn from these thoughts when he hears her singing in the shower. He hasn't heard her sing in the shower - or anywhere for that matter - in ages. He stands by the door to make out the song, still clasping the phone in his hand, and he finally makes out the words.
I am lost, I am vain
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without you
Oh oh oh.. You, you, you
Without you, you, you, Without you
Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged
Without you, without you
I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you
I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can't look, I'm so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you
This song? She hasn't sung it since.. maybe ever? At least not that he knows about. She is a creature of habit and has many go-to shower tracks, but this one is new. Something's changed in her, overnight it seems.
As he returns the phone to her bag, he feels something chafe against his skin and pulls it out, shaking his head when he realizes what it is. "And why the fuck are your panties in your purse? I'm betting ME knows something about that."
. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *
"Finn Christopher Hudson. WHAT DID YOU DO?"
The shrill screech of his little brother when he's just awakened is something he definitely did not miss.
"Good morning to you too Kurt. Thanks for the wake up shriek. Any coffee on?"
Kurt nods his head toward the coffee pot and sighs. "I'm sorry, but what the heck happened last night? Diva went storming out of here like a bat out of hell this morning and not even a goodbye. You were supposed to talk her off the ledge of a bad relationship, not further complicate things with your pelvic sorcery!"
Finn rolls his eyes. "Look dude, it wasn't exactly my.. I mean, it takes two y'know? Like.., I-I wasn't planning it. She just..she…" he finally huffed out "it was an accident okay?" He's looking at the floor like a little boy being scolded by a parent.
"I see. You accidentally tripped, and all your clothes fell off, and your boy parts fell into her girl parts. Sure. That happens all the time." He takes a sip of tea, "Actually, I think it did happen, in a Ryan Reynolds/Sandy Bullock movie once… "
"Ok Kurt, enough. I know it was… inappropriate." Finn says making air quotes. "It certainly wasn't planned. But it's past now, so please drop it. And oh, can you give me her cell number? She said you'd give it to me so I can text her."
Kurt raises an eyebrow while staring at his brother and continuing to sip his tea.
"I swear she said it Kurt, please don't torture me about it. Call her to confirm if you want. Geez."
"No it isn't that.. I just, am a bit surprised. Perhaps this is going to be much easier than I expected... I thought there'd be more drama involved, and that it may take weeks for her to even be willing to speak to you. Or be in the same room with you. You really are a Rachel-whisperer aren't you?"
"Wh-what do you mean you expected MORE drama? Last night was pretty damned dramatic from where I stood! Kurt, has she.. Has she been like this the whole time?" He's not sure he wants the answer but he needs to know.
"No. Not like she is now. But.. how much of this do you really want to hear? The fallout for her was… devastating. But I'm positive it was equally devastating for YOU as well. I'm worried how you're handling this too… "
Finn blows out a deep breath. "I'm fine. Well, as fine as I guess I'm gonna be right now.. no, it's not easy - but it isn't about me. I just need to know Kurt. If I'm going to be spending any amount of time with her, I need you to fill me in on the missing parts, six years is a long time. Too long, I realize. She's certainly changed in a lot of ways, yet oddly still the same? I just need to know how to work around the landmines with her, y'know?"
"Did you talk about the fiancé at all last night?"
Finn shuddered at the word and internally felt the bile rising. "No. Too soon to talk about that subject - and before you get your knickers in a twist about it, give her some slack.. It was probably more than a little traumatic for her just seeing me again, and then.. there was the other part. So, just give me time to rebuild a little, assuming she'll let me... and it'll get there. I hope." Visions of her lying in his arms all bruised and battered flash through his mind. "But what I especially want to know right now is HOW LONG. How long has that son of a bitch been hurting her? And she's letting him get away with it? I just don't understand."
"How long since I first noticed it? Probably close to a year now. How long has it actually been going on? She'll never tell me that. She's in too much denial, or maybe too embarrassed, or willing to do - or tolerate - whatever to move on from you." Finn groans at that last part. ** You said you'd never break up with me **
"I'm sorry Finn, but you asked about the landmines, and let's face facts - YOU are the biggest one of all." Finn hangs his head and nods because he knows it's true.
Kurt sips his tea and continues. "He was a good friend to her in the beginning, you know… Before they dated he was maybe even good for her, at least as far as school was concerned. I don't know much about their dating life, she'd started pulling away from me by then and wasn't wearing her feelings on her sleeve like she'd normally done with y- ..in the past. But I think, after the proposal is when things started getting really bad."
"Santana said the fighting, the violence was a two way street… So she's hitting him too?"
"Well, there are a couple of close associates to him, who've sent some gossip through the grapevine.. And if they can be believed, then yes, she's pretty violent against him too. One instance in particular, she smashed a vase or something over his head, and he got a lot of stitches out of it." Finn can't prevent the satisfied smirk growing on his face at the mental image.
"I can't say if she's the aggressor or not. She still does not talk much about what happens behind their closed doors. Especially not since we've all started trying to convince her to leave him. She started shutting down and spending less and less time with us, which is why I felt it was urgent enough to tell you and ask for your help."
"Ok I think I have a pretty good idea of that side of things…. But Kurt, I just couldn't believe her behavior last night. That was.. that was.. just SO not Rachel."
"Not YOUR Rachel Finn; not the sweet forgiving girl you knew in high school. No; since the train station, she's become hollowed out; walls built up and her heart fermenting in vodka. But I do have hope that we can get her back, I just think it's going to take a lot of effort."
** Oh my God … Are you breaking up with me? … No, I'm not going. I'm not going, not without you **
Finn closes his eyes tight. Her words will just not stop echoing his psyche. The booze used to help keep it at bay, but he knows that's not the answer. They're a constant reminder to him of this damage he caused, the damage that's now written physically all over her body. He feels sure now, the only way to get rid of the voices is to fix this thing with her. But this - this is so much worse than he'd expected. Part of the essence of Rachel was her sweet, loving spirit, her forgiving nature and her everlasting positive energy - hell maybe that's the ENTIRETY of what made her so special, maybe even more than her immense talent. And he'd destroyed it. He killed her essence six years ago, or at least he'd fired off the initial gunshot - with a train ticket.
"I have to fix this Kurt. If it's this last thing I do, I swear I'm gonna un-break her. I don't have a damned clue how yet, but I won't stop until I do. I don't give up that easily."
Kurt smiled to himself knowingly. He recognizes the look of determination on his brother's face. He definitely did the right thing bringing Finn back, he's more certain about it now than ever.
. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *
** DING-DONG **
"Geez it's becoming like Grand Central around here lately…" Blaine mumbles as he heads to the door. As soon as he opens it, he's nearly knocked over as it swings wide open and a large figure pushes his way into the room.
"Ahh.. hello PUCK, so nice to see you, won't you come in?"
"Where the hell is he?" Puck nearly snarls. Then he spins around to face Blaine, "Oh. Sorry, hey dude. 'Sup. Where's Finn? Tana told me he's here… I need to see him for myself."
Blaine tries to respond "Ahm, he's here somewh–"
"FINN! FINN HUDSON get your lily white ass out here right now you shithead!" Puck bellows.
Finn comes around the corner into the living room and halts to find his best friend staring incredulously at him. "What the hell is all the commotion… Puck? Dude, what are you doing he–" he's cut off by a swift fist to the face. Puck looks at him in the eye and Finn stares back, a little stupefied while rubbing his sore jaw. "What the fuck man?"
"Ok, now that's out of my system… Get over here," Puck says, reaching a hand out and pulls his friend into a tight embrace. He starts to get a little misty and sniffs a few times to hold the tears at bay. "Jesus man, I started to think you were dead.. Where the fuck have you been?"
"Yeah yeah.. I missed you too, bastard. And you got that one for free. Next time I return the favor," Finn replies with an aching soft grin.
The two friends decide to go out and catch up over lunch. They head to a deli around the corner and grab some takeout then walk to a fountain in the park across the street to sit and eat.
"So. Train station. Start talking. Go." Puck says demandingly.
Finn sighs but recaps his decision making, why he'd sent her here alone, why he left Ohio, why he couldn't return. Puck nods and listens intently taking in all the details. Then looks up and says "Ok, I guess I understand at least some of that fucked up reasoning. Now riddle me this: why didn't it occur to you to talk to me, your BEST FRIEND, before you went all Jules Winnfield and walked off to roam the earth, never to be heard from again? You had some 'great epiphany' and couldn't even bounce it off ME first? Or even say goodbye? Or shit man, at least check in every so often. That was just… fucked up."
Finn runs his hand over the top of his head and looks away. Here's the fallout. Lots and lots of collateral damage. He knows he screwed up, and not just with Rachel.
"I was in a bad headspace, man. I don't know what else to say except, sorry. I guess I just didn't want anyone telling me not to go, or telling me I was wrong.. You know.. I sometimes act first and think later."
"Only sometimes?"
"Yeah. Whatever. I'm sorry dude. It just… wasn't about you. It was about me and her. And I ROYALLY fucked that up. So now I'm trying to atone, make amends, all that.. if she'll let me."
"Ok. I see what you're saying.. But why now? It's been over half a decade brother. What the hell took so long?"
"Hah… I dunno. Stubbornness and indignation maybe, to answer the 2nd half.. As for why now?…" Finn sucks in a sharp breath and says "You do know her situation, about this douche she's shacked up with?"
"Yup. Been fighting that battle since long before your Lone Ranger act started. So you're back to be the hero, is that it?"
"I dunno about 'hero'.. But. Well someone needs to step in, right? You've all tried and failed apparently, so I've heard.. Kurt figured it has to be me, especially since it's kinda - no, entirely MY fault she's in this mess."
"That's true enough, on both counts I s'pose."
"Dick."
The guys chuckle it off and finish their lunch. Finn knows it's good to see Puck again, to start to feel like some normalcy is returning to his shattered life. Like maybe the pieces can be put back together in his world. And if he can reassemble his pieces, maybe there's hope for hers too. Maybe even for THEIRS.
"So you talk to her yet? Or see her?"
Finn nods "Two nights ago. Kurt arranged the most fucked up dinner party ever.. Dude I couldn't believe how she acted! You had to see it… She actually hit Kurt and tried to punch Blaine! She was like a wild animal, cussing and thrashing… I have a feeling she was pretty loaded when she came. Kurt says she's drinking vodka on the downlow. A coping thing? Whatever. It's just NOT Rachel."
"Damn. So she took it that bad, seeing you?"
"At first. But then… " he looks down at his feet and kicks some errant stones lying around, a reddening blush and a smile creeping over his face in spite of himself.
Puck can read his buddy's face all too well. "Whoa, hold up.. You stud! You nailed her already? You two, I swear you're like goddamn rabbits! Can't keep your damn hands off each other!"
"Stop. It wasn't like that. It was more like.. An angry release? Hate sex? At least from her side of it maybe.. I don't know, she was spewing some nasty shit at me up until she just sorta suddenly attacked me. Shocked the hell outta me I have to say. But I shouldn't have let it happen.. The next morning, she freaked out and booked it outta there, called herself a whore.." he scoffs at that memory.
"Wait… SHE SLEPT THERE? With you, all night? Finnessa, I think you got this in the bag man! A countdown to 'douche doomsday' has kicked off!"
"No Puck. I don't think it's gonna be that simple. She was still pissed, REALLY pissed. Now she's pissed at me AND herself. It might have been a setback actually… but, at least she let me have her number so I think she's willing to talk? Hell, I fully expected her to just shut down and refuse to speak at all." He thinks for a long beat and confides to Puck "Man the worst part of this is now I know HOW bad, HOW true the shit he's doing to her is.. I saw it for myself. She's all bruised and cut up, Puck. In places she can hide it, but I saw it with my own eyes." The rage starts to flood back through Finn, his jaw set tight and his hands tremble as the memory of her injuries flashes in his mind.
"Fuck, seriously? So.. Are you gonna go kill the dude or what, you need a wingman? I'm here brother, at least for a few more days. Say the word, we'll go all nuclear and Hiroshima his ass back to the stone age together."
"Nah man. Can't do that I'm afraid. Bad as I may want to.. SHE has to decide to leave him. I know her. If I try, if any of us tries to force her hand, she'll fight it and dig her heels in. She has to save herself.. I just have to find a way to make her THINK it's her decision."
"Well dude, you have the easiest odds of anyone… it's YOU man. YOU are the golden ticket, the reason she's gonna want to ditch the loser."
"You're assuming she can ever FORGIVE me. I doubt very much that forgiveness is anywhere in the realm of possibility right now - and I can't blame her. I still haven't forgiven myself. Especially now that I've seen this shit."
"Well dude. I know you kinda shit the bed here.. But. If Berry still loves you - and the sky will LITERALLY fall down if she doesn't - then there's always hope. I'd even go so far as to say inevitability. Everyone knows you two were meant to be together. You brought up that tether bullshit and I thought you were kinda off your rocker; but after all the time spent watching you two? Yeah that shit's real. You're connected. And she's only with this dickhead now because you were gone. I know you hurt her, but you've done it before and she's come back every other time. I don't see this being any different."
Finn offers a weak smile to his friend, "You really think so man?"
"I really do. Sure it might take time, but yeah. She'll be back."
"Thanks bro. I hope you're right."
. . . . . gleegleeglee * * * * *
A/N - chap3
Song credit: Without You by David Guetta feat. Usher.
Glee trivia - this song appeared in s3.10 "Yes/No'. Rachel began singing it at Breadstix (where she was having dinner with Finn & Kurt discussing their bleak futures). The song progresses in 'glee dream state' it moves to the choir room, where at some point Finn is the only one sitting in chairs as she serenades him. Gleeks will remember, this is also (not so coincidentally) the same iconic episode where Finn proposes to Rachel at the very end.
Pretty fitting song for the morning after, I thought! It should give you some insight into her current state of mind!
Also, did you catch the Marvel easter egg? And the Pulp Fiction reference? :-D