CHAPTER 5 - A RECKONING Part 2

A/N - This is maybe a bittersweet day for a lot us.. He would've been 41 years old today…

* * * * * HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY CORY! We miss you * * * * *

ENJOY THIS 100% ALL-FINCHEL CHAPTER!

I hope this chapter brings a little joy through tears, if you're like me and missing our Finn terribly. It's about to get a little STEAMY this time..! I tried to sprinkle in as many Glee-ster eggs as I could (and correct a few things that shoulda been canon, even though this story is largely AU) as my tribute to Finn Hudson & Cory Monteith. There's probably another couple chapters coming to finish this story up, but we're close now! FINCHEL FOREVER!

As always, thanks to SCARLETT88 for helping me sort out my crazy brain! And hey, she's writing a pretty darn EPIC Finchel tale, Love Letters (glee) which I'm totally in love with - check it out if you haven't yet!

See post script notes after the chapter for song credits.

An hour later, at the hotel….

"She loves me…."

Finn plucks a petal from the daisy he pulled from the vase in the hotel lobby. "I've been thinking... about how relationships are a lot like flowers. If you find the right seed, put it in good soil, give it water and sunlight... BAM, perfect bud." He plucks another petal. "She loves me not…. And then comes winter and the flower dies. But if you tend that garden, spring will come along and that flower will bloom again …She loves me… "

She giggles softly. "Are you telling me that you want to be a gardener?"

"I'm asking you how you can live with a guy who hurts you and still want to marry him? …She loves me not."

"Come on, Finn. I really don't want to talk about him tonight. And I'm here now with a guy who's hurt me plenty in the past."

"She loves me… " he plucks another petal. "So, you want to compare what I've done to what he's been doing? Really? You don't love him Rach. …She loves me not."

"You think I'm lying to you?"

"I think you're lying to yourself…. She loves me…. And I think that the reason you haven't already married him after more than a year's engagement is because you're still in love with someone else…. She loves me not."

"You?" she asks coyly and flutters her lashes.

"You and I both know how this thing ends. All the time and distance between us didn't change anything; we're not done yet. So I don't care where you're living or-or, what dope you're shacked up with, you've always been my girlfriend. We are endgame. I know that, and you know that."

He puts down the remains of the flower, locking eyes with her.

She's just in awe of him right now. In this moment this is her Finn. It's like she's stepped back in time to when she was most deeply in love with him, and he with her - when they were just Finn & Rachel and ready to spend the rest of their lives together before trains and distance and all the rest took them off course.

He's gazing warmly into her chocolate brown eyes and just wants her in his arms.

"Dance with me Rach?"

She looks at him, bemused. "There's no music...?"

"Sure there is. We're here together, there's always music," he says simply. With a glowing full-dimpled grin he takes her tiny hand in his and pulls her close.

She beams that megawatt smile of hers at him and it reaches the twinkle in her eyes "Oh Finn… Some things will never change... thankfully," she shakes her head, puts her hands on his chest. They start to sway slowly as he begins to sing softly in her ear.

"A strangled smile fell from your face,
What kills me is that I hurt you this way,"

He reaches up to brush her bangs out of her eyes.

"The worst part is that I didn't even know,
Now there's a million reasons for you to go,
But if you can find a reason to stay,
I'll do whatever it takes, To turn this around
I know what's at stake, I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance, Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together, Whatever it takes"

She stretches her arms up around his neck and he pulls her tighter against him. This is the connection he'd wanted to make with her. He knows there's so much more air to be cleared (and an engagement to terminate), but her eyes are giving her away and he finally sees her clearly: this is HIS Rachel looking back at him.

"I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes, To turn this around
I know what's at stake, I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance, Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together, Whatever it takes"

She's got tears streaming down her face. And all she can do now is kiss him.

Rachel's searing kiss makes Finn feel whole and reinvigorated. He loves this woman to his core, and for the first time in years he feels real hope that they can find their way back to each other. While holding her in his arms, all the years of regret and pain feel like they are washing away. She asked for this night together, so maybe he really can atone and maybe she really can forgive?

For tonight at least, there's only THEM and he's determined to remind her why they belong together.

The feeling of her arms wrapping around his shoulders makes his pulse race. His hands move from her tiny hips upward along the sides of her torso, as he rediscovers all of her curves and contours. As he grazes the sides of her breasts she burns under his touch. Once his fingers are tangled in her long silky locks, he holds her face close to his, staring fervidly into her deep brown eyes; the intimacy they share in this way has always been as sensual as any physical touch - that much hasn't changed either.

Cradling her head, he laid a scorching hot kiss to her mouth, deeply plunging his tongue in and sliding it against hers, over and over relishing the sensation. The tip of his tongue traced along her bottom lip, making his way to her jaw. With soft butterfly kisses, he teased along to the hollow of her neck, finding her earlobe which he hungrily suckled and nipped. His lips softly trace along the shell of her ear, and she began to tremble when he whispers "I'm yours, and you're mine." The warmth of his breath sent sparks flying across her skin and she arched her chest tightly against him.

Slowly he unbuttons her blouse while trailing kisses down the valley of her cleavage. As the thin lilac colored garment slips off her shoulders, he presses his lips to her chest, right over top of her heart. He whispers "you're still so beautiful baby" against her skin and her flesh lit up with goosebumps. As he skims his teeth over her nipple through the thin satin fabric of her black lacey bra, he felt it pebble beneath. Rachel let out a moan that he felt in his growing arousal.

She's clutching her slender fingers through his hair when he drops a hand down and lightly brushes his fingertips up her thigh, sliding up under her skirt and traces along the elastic trim of her panties. Rachel gasped in delight and clenched his shirt in her little fists, clawing at his chest. With his intense gaze lost in hers, he grazes his thumb against the hot damp fabric covering her center, then suddenly drops down to his knees in front of her.

Rachel held onto his shoulders for support as her legs were going limp. She was already aching with desire from his touch and desperate for the friction needed to provide her sweet release. Her nails began to scratch and claw at his neck and shoulders as her impatience was building. Finn had other ideas though. Two days ago, their encounter was frenzied and polarizing. He wasn't able to deify her as he'd wanted; not tonight though. Now he would take his time and worship her properly. He loved winding her up and watching her come undone beneath his touch.

His fingertips feathered along her toned legs, tickling the back of her calf from knee to ankle as he removed her shoes and thigh-high silk stockings, applying wet soft open-mouthed kisses along the way. His hands drifted back up to her hips, obliging the zipper of her skirt to release its hold. Once it fell around her feet, she steadied herself on his shoulders to shuck it out of the way.

As she stood before him in nothing but her bra and matching black lace thong, Finn paused to appreciate her beauty, but he also couldn't miss all the traces of her past injuries. Bruises and scars in various stages of healing marred her otherwise flawless skin. She wasn't supposed to look like this, and it infuriated him. With his hands gripping tightly on her thighs, he had to close his eyes and practice breathing for a few beats to fend off the building rage and surge of despair and guilt.

Rachel must have picked up on his despondency. She reached down to place her palms on either side of his face, silently begging him to look her in the eye. When he did allow his eyes to meet hers, she gave him an intense pleading gaze full of emotions that made his heart swell. Finn had an overwhelming urge to protect her and keep her safe in his embrace, but he's frustrated by not knowing exactly where they stand. No matter, this is still his Rachel, he would take care of her the way she deserved.

As he stood up he wrapped one arm around her waist and slid one under her bottom to scoop her up and carry her to the bed. She wrapped her legs around his waist and peppered his neck with kisses as he unclasped her bra and discarded it to the pile on the floor. Once he set her gently on the soft bedding, she tugged up on his shirt, so he helped remove it, followed by his jeans and boxers that quickly landed in the discard pile on the floor.

Resting between her legs, he returned his attention to her mouth for another passionate kiss, tongues dancing for domination. Her arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders and she pressed her fingertips into his skin. When they broke for air he had to ask "Are you ok babe, I don't want to hurt you or- " she swallowed his fears with her soft soothing lips on his. "I'm fine, you could never hurt me, Finn." He resumed their kiss then moved slowly down the hollow of her neck and down to her breasts. He used the flat of his tongue to lathe her nipple and the cool air on her moist skin gave her shivers. He trailed soft nips down her abdomen while reaching for the edges of the panties and adds them to the pile on the floor below.

He placed one of her legs up over his shoulder and kissed along her inner thigh, as his fingers traveled to find her slick folds. She was so wet he had to pause a moment to keep his own composure. He slid his palm over her soft mound and Rachel moaned and arched up off the bed involuntarily. Just the sight of her made his erection throb. His finger ran the length of her wetness and then pushed inside her hot core. She purred at the sensation and began to writhe and squirm and he got harder than he thought possible. He wrapped an arm under her thigh and around her hip to hold her in place then curled a second finger inside. As he pumped his fingers in and out slowly, his mouth went to work, flicking his tongue and teasing her clit. He smiled at the sounds she made as she moaned and grabbed at his hair. "Faster, please… harder" she pleaded with him, the urgency rising in her need to release. He obliged, sucking hard on her clit as he pumped his fingers faster in and out. Her tight velvety core began to flutter around his fingers, and he knew she was so close. "That's it... Let go baby, come for me" he whispered as he sat up to watch her tip over the edge. He slipped his fingers out and tasted her sweet essence while she's still riding the aftershocks of her climax. The sexiest thing he thinks he's ever seen is this woman with her mussed hair cascaded across the pillow and her lips swollen from his kisses, still glowing and flush from the orgasm he just gave her.

He can't wait any longer. He moves up cradled between her legs and positions himself at her center. He's so hard now he simply rubs his shaft along her wet folds. She begs him "now Finn, I need you inside me." He slides both of his arms under her back and wraps his hands under her shoulders. He leans into her ear and says, "I love you Rach" and slowly pushes inside. She gasps and runs her nails down his back, while arching up off the bed to push him further in, filling her up. He begins to push in and out, finding a slow steady rhythm. He's placing sweet soft kisses on her face and begins to sing to her…

"You are the movement, You're the true north pointing back home
You are the constant, my constellation
You're the steady hand of a ticking clock that I've come to rely on"

He thrusts deeper inside, his pace picking up.

"Oh it's so clear, Come a little closer all my love is right here"

She tightens her embrace around his torso pulling him as close to her as possible and tears are threatening to spill.

"I just want to hear you whispering you still trust
You're the only thing that I have ever been sure of"

He gives her a slow deep kiss and thrusts harder into her, faster and faster as he feels her walls begin to quiver again, he knows she's close.

"I just wanna be with you, I promise I won't let you down
Honey it's so clear now"

"Ff-ff-ffffinnnn oh god… FINNN!" she screams and claws into his shoulders. Just as her second orgasm hits, he slams into her a few more strokes and joins her with his own release. He slumps with his face buried in her shoulder, his breath heaving. After a moment he begins to pull away but she clings to him, wrapping her legs around him and whispers "no, stay.. don't move. Please don't leave me." He picks up his head and looks at her face, seeing the tears spilling from the corners of her eyes and kisses her cheeks. "Never again baby," and tightens his hold on her. He'll never deny her again.

. . . . .

They're still tangled together under the messy sheets, lying on their sides face to face. Like so many times before this, her head is resting on his arm and he's stroking her hair.

After two blissful rounds of reunion sex, they've spent the past two hours catching up on relatively benign topics; her career, her dads, their Ohio friends - and yes she's done most of the talking - and his nomadic lifestyle over the last six years. She finally asks him about his dating life during his absence, a perfectly normal question considering the circumstances.

"Seriously? You're telling me that you haven't had sex since you were 18 years old?" she asks incredulously.

"Sure, I have.. Once 2 nights ago… and uhhh, again tonight, twice so far," he grins at her.

"You must be joking, Finn. I would certainly understand if you'd– "

"Why would I joke, Rach? Pretty sure I learned my lesson the hard way about not telling you the truth a long time ago - especially about this topic. I'm slow, but I learn," he chuckles softly.

She's shaking her head in disbelief. "W-why not? I'm sure you've had a multitude of opportunities over the years... Why deny yourself?"

He bites the inside of his cheek and pauses for a beat. "I never wanted just sex. You should know that about me already though, Rach… my views haven't changed."

"So, no randoms, no two-night stands, no girlfriends, nothing even short term?"

"No." He sighs and rolls over onto his back to stare at the ceiling.

She leans up on her elbow to look at him. "But why? You just wanted to be celibate and alone?"

He can't tell if she's fishing for info or really just doesn't get it. He lays it all out on the line. "What I wanted - what I want still and have always wanted - I didn't deserve. I wasn't good enough. Not then, still not now. And there simply were no substitutes."

"You can't mean me," Rachel scoffs in disbelief.

He turns to look deep into her eyes and hopes she can see the answer reflected back in his.

"BUT YOU HAD ME FINN." she forcefully declares, then lowers her tone, "You had me and you threw me away."

"I know. I know it NOW. Back then I didn't see it the same as I do now. Hindsight is always better with time right?"

"Yeah, it's 20/20, is actually the phr– " she lets out an exasperated breath "I don't understand Finn. You sent me away and then you disappeared. Never to be heard from again. Never returned any of my calls or messages. You have to know what I thought about that, right?"

"Well, I'd hoped you'd believed me when I told you why I was sending you away at the time... Do you remember what I said?"

"Unfortunately."

"What did I say? Please tell me, so I know we're remembering the same thing."

She sighs heavily, every word imprinted in her brain. "You said it was because you loved me too much to hold me back and ruin my future. That I needed to go be a star and have these experiences alone, without you."

"Good, you did listen. So, what part of that didn't you believe?"

She's just staring past him at the wall, avoiding eye contact.

"Answer me Rach."

"You cut me out of your life Finn. How, how could I think someone who truly loved me would do that to me? And, if you could walk away so easily without looking back, then… then, I supposed you just never loved me the way I loved you. There, are you happy hearing me dig it all up from the depths of hell to relive it for YOUR sake?"

"Am I happy? HELL NO Rachel." He sits up and throws on his boxers, and remains seated on the edge of the bed. "I'm sitting back helplessly watching the love of my life slowly kill herself, imploding, wasting her god given talents while allowing some abusive PRICK to destroy the rest of what's left of her. And apparently I can't do a goddamn thing about any of it because it's all MY FAULT to begin with… How can I possibly be happy? I hurt you so badly, but I screwed us both Rach. You AND me. I burned my whole life down when I sent you off on that train. I was so torn up over being apart from you. I couldn't stay in Lima, and I couldn't focus on ANYTHING. So I shut down. I didn't have anyone to talk to, to get me through it, even if it was a self-imposed exile. I haven't even heard my mom's voice in six years. All because of my own selfish stupid teenage ideas about what I thought was right for YOU. And not believing YOU when you said I WAS what was right for you. NEWSFLASH RACH, I'M AN IDIOT!"

She cuts off his rant with her mouth. Slow at first, then deepening. He breaks the kiss though. He gets up from the bed and moves to sit on the loveseat across the room with his head in his hands. She gets out of the bed, pulls on his shirt and goes to sit beside him.

"Rach what are we doing here, really? Because the Rachel I know wouldn't want to be a cheater. And hey, I'll follow your lead this time… If you seriously want to marry him, and keep me on the side, if that's the only way I get to keep you in my life, I'd do it. If it's what you wanted… But I don't think it is."

She's starting to well up with tears and looking at him like she wants to say something but can't choke it up yet. So he keeps going.

"Please baby, I've been trying to understand since I got here, WHY. Why would you be with someone who you fight with so brutally? Who you're allowing to hurt you in that way. Rach, I've seen your body up close now, y'know, you're not hiding anything from me at this point. I knew the other day what's really going on.. But I was still hoping you'd explain it to me. You still haven't yet, but I've had time to think it through. And I think I figured it out.. It's me. It's the ghost of me that's been haunting you, holding you back. Making you feel less than, and HIM? He's been your distraction. Along with the drinking. Tell me I'm wrong."

After a long pause she answers him. "You're not," she whispers with a raspy small voice as the tears flow freely now.

"Rach, babe, don't WE deserve our happy ending, together, you & me? Isn't it finally time? Because I-I want it more now than ever before. But I'm not forcing you to make choices and I'm not laying down ultimatums. It's all on your terms this time." He sucked in a long breath and grabbed her hands. "Look, I'm here either way, you're stuck with me this time. I've known it for 10 years probably, that I'm yours. There is no substitute for Rachel Berry. So I'm yours, however you want me, if you'll still have me... but I'm not leaving you again. Maybe the only way I can get rid of YOUR ghost that's been haunting me is to make things right with you. But I'm not your ghost anymore Rach, I don't have to be. So just please, tell me what you want."

She takes in a shaky breath. "You just don't understand Finn.. When I first came here to NYADA I was so lonely, so broken-hearted, so just… homesick. I couldn't function, had no friends… and these people? A lot of them are worse than sophomore me: cutthroat and ambitious, backstabbing. Brody? He was good to me. He was my only friend for the longest time. Just like YOU were my only friend at McKinley. He was my mentor, advised with my singing, ran lines, did all the things I'd desperately wanted you to be here for. He filled the Finn-shaped hole in my life. He graduated two years ahead of me, and even then he kept on supporting me.

We talked about you. He knew how I felt. It took three years before I'd let him get that close, to become intimate. And even then he knew I wasn't over you.. he'd accepted that I may never be. He proposed a year after I graduated, so I figured, why not? He's good to me, he loves me, he's HERE and Finn's never coming back. I couldn't see ever starting over with anyone new, being vulnerable, making room in my heart. It just made sense to say yes to him.

All this time, radio silence from you... not even secondhand updates from Kurt. I thought you were done with me Finn. Thought you didn't care, didn't want me. I couldn't breathe. I screamed myself awake, night after soul-sucking night. I'd get out of bed and search, hoping to find you in the other room. Over TWO years of that, Finn. You'd abandoned me. Like my mother did. And you didn't even explain why or say goodbye. It literally was like you died, and I've been in a permanent state of mourning ever since."

He chokes hearing those words. "Baby I'm so, so sorry," the hot tears spill from his eyes. "I regret that more than anything. God, and you feeling the same sense of abandonment as your mother… Fuck I hate myself for putting you through that. I was so certain you'd be held back worrying about me, waiting for me to call or visit... I never thought about what my total absence could do. Never expected it would turn out like this... But Rach, I'm here now, I'm not dead and I WANT to try to make this better, make it up to you, to fix us. I just don't know where to begin… you're usually the one with the answers between the two of us. But I know I need to earn your trust back - if that's even possible. I guess all I can do is ask for that chance."

"My relationship with Brody got dark after he proposed... I think between wedding plans and meeting his family, and missing you so badly, it got too real that I was moving toward an unknown destination with a virtual stranger. Because anyone who isn't you might as well be a stranger to me. Most of our arguments, I'm sure I started. You remember when I kissed Puck to get even for you lying about Santana? That was me lashing out… and this is what I guess I've been doing to Brody. Lashing out from the hurt and sorrow and missing you. My heart didn't belong to him, Finn - not completely. And I know it'll never belong to anyone else but you. I cursed you. I tore up photos. I drowned you out with vodka - and I know Kurt found out, which apparently you already know - and I'd bet it's part of WHY you suddenly resurfaced."

"Yeah, one of the reasons," he nods.

"I love you Finn. I never stopped loving you. No matter the hurt, the grief, the betrayal... I've always loved you for a decade, no matter how hard I tried not to. But trust? Can I trust you again? I've trusted you soo many times with my heart and you crushed it so many times. I can overlook all the high school drama; we were kids and we both made mistakes. But this last time… it wasn't just sending me away alone; it was YOU disappearing without a trace that was the final nail in my soul. You took all the best parts of me away with you Finn."

He sighs. "Yes. I know I did... I've seen it now with my own eyes."

"I realize you had best intentions - I really do understand that now, especially after our conversation here tonight. I think I maybe even knew it back then too. And I desperately want to stop feeling the way I do, so angry and bitter and jaded. I want to believe that you and I can try again, but I really… I need something from you. I don't even know what it is, but I need some kind of, guarantee or assurance you're not gonna turn tail and run away again. These scars and things you see on my body? They'll heal. That's the natural course of a wound. But this wound you inflicted by disappearing from my life. I don't know how to make it better... I know you hate Brody because you can see what he's done. Can you see what you've done? Can you tell me how to fix it?"

Finn thinks on her pleading words for a long while. She needs reassurance, that's probably fair. But how could he possibly give her what she's asking, what would it take to convince her?

"Do you still have the ring Rach?"

"Of course I do."

"Look, I don't know why you're even allowing me to sit in your presence right now, for all the hell I've put you through and the literal shambles I've made of your life... And THANK YOU for giving me at least this much leeway. Right now, the only assurance or guarantee I can think to offer - and maybe it's totally crazy to even suggest - but y'know… I could marry you, if you want to?"

\\\\\\\\\\\\ *xoxo*gleegleeglee*oxox* \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

A/N-POST SCRIPT - Sorry, I love a good cliff hanger.. Stay tuned for Part 3 of A RECKONING :)

SONG CREDITS:

LIFEHOUSE - "Whatever it Takes"

NEEDTOBREATHE - "Clear"

VISIT youtube dot com at anothergleekgirl/playlists – THERE'S SEVERAL PLAYLISTS SETUP TO ACCOMPANY MY STORIES. SOME SONGS ARE REFERENCED IN THE CHAPTERS, OTHERS ARE FEEDING MY MUSE :)