Pilate: (talking to his architect) ... to make one large living awea... (the Centurion and guards bring Brian into the room; Pilate walks over to meet them)
Centurion: (salutes) Hail Caesar!
Pilate: (salutes) Hail!
"

Uther : Ah, this appears to be set in Ancient Rome. Interesting
Arthur : FINALLY ! Something which isn't another bloody song !
Merlin : D-did he just say "awea" ?
Morgana (smirking) You know Merlin, I do believe he did

"Centurion: Only one survivor, sir!
Pilate: Ah! Thwow him to the floor.
Centurion: What, sir?
Pilate: Thwow him to the floor!"

Uther : It appears to portray a Roman... noble, from the looks of it, as having a speech defect
Morgana : (sighs) This is a comedy, isn't it ?
Gwen : There's nothing wrong with a comedy, my Lady

"Centurion: Ah. (nods to the guards, who hurl Brian at the floor)
Brian: Ugh! (struggles into a kneeling position)
Pilate: Hm. Now... what is your name, Jew?
"

Uther : Jew ? Hmm.. this must be their portrayal of the hunt described in the holy book of the Christians...
Morgana ; (about to burst out laughing) Then... is that supposed to be Pontius Pilate ?
Merlin : (also about to laugh) Yes, I do believe it is

"
Brian: Brian, sir.
Pilate: Bwian, eh?
Brian: No no, Brian. (the Centurion glares at him and backhands his face, knocking him over sideways) Ahh!
"

Uther : Good ! Peasants should know their place. How dare they mock a noble !
Gwen (whispering to Morgana) ; I don't think that was intentional, my Lady...
Morgana (silently seething with rage) I don't think he cares, Gwen
Merlin (also looking mutinous) :...
Arthur (looking very uncomfortable at that statement) :...

"Pilate: (chuckles) The little wascal has spiwit!
Centurion: Has what, sir?
Pilate: Spiwit!
Centurion: Yes, he did, sir!
Pilate: (looks puzzled) No no, spiwit, er... bwavado, a touch of... dewwing-do.
Centurion: Oh! Er, about eleven, sir.
"

Uther (smirking in amusement): Ah, I've had to deal with a few nobles like that... No one could understand a word of what they were saying.
Arthur : (choking back a laugh)
Merlin, Gwen and Morgana : (snickering under their breath)

"Pilate: (looks even more confused, shrugs it off) So... you dare to waid us?
Brian: To what, sir?
Pilate: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly! (the Centurion backhands Brian's face again)
Brian: Ahh! (grabs his cheek in pain)
Centurion: Oh, and, er, throw him to the floor, sir?
Pilate: ... what?
"

Uther : Does... Does he not understand anything except his own accent ?
Arthur : I think it's exaggerated, Father
Morgana : I don't know... I've met a few nobles like that...

"Centurion: Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
Pilate: Oh yes, thwow him to the floor, please. (the Centurion nods to the two guards, who grab Brian's arms, lift him about a foot off his knees and drop him again)
Brian: Ahh!"

Arthur (winces) : Poor man..
Morgana (looks at Arthur, surprised) : Maybe there's still hope for you..
Arthur : What ?
Uther : Don't feel sorry for him. He shouldn't have mocked Pilate.
Merlin and Morgana : (glaring at Uther)

"Pilate: Now... Jewish wapscallion!
Brian: I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!
Pilate: A Woman?"

Uther : How on Earth did this man get his position ?
Morgana : He must have had quite the campaign
Merlin : Or was born into it...
Arthur : HEY !
Merlin : I didn't even say anything about you !

"Brian: No no - Roman. (the Centurion backhands his face and knocks him over sideways again) Egh!
Pilate: So! Your father was a Woman! Who was he?
Brian: (struggling back into a kneeling position) He was a Centurion in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
Brian: Naughtius Maximus. (the Centurion laughs uproariously, but stops suddenly when Pilate gives him a quizzical look)
"

Uther : His name is ... what ?
Arthur : He must be lying
Morgana : It's a comedy, Arthur. It's meant to exaggerate
Merlin : Why does Pilate look confused

"Pilate: Centuwion? Do you have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: (clearly amazed Pilate is bothering to ask this question) ... well, no, sir.
Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir, erm... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, er, Sillius Soddus, or, or... Biggus Dickus, sir. (snickering in the background)
Pilate: What's so... funny about Biggus Dickus?
"

Uther : Oh boy...
Morgana ; (stifles a giggle) With the way some men strut about, I wouldn't be surprised if one of them changed their name to that
Arthur : What- Why are you looking at me ?!

"Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus! (more snickering from a nearby guard; Pilate marches over to him, enraged) SILENCE! What is all this insolence!? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that!
Brian: Can I go now, sir? (the Centurion backhands him yet again) Ahhh!"

Uther (facepalms) : He sounds like a teacher punishing an unruly student..
Arthur, Merlin, Gwen and Morgana : (uproarious laughter)

"Pilate: Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this! (the guard snickers again) WIGHT! TAKE HIM AWAY!
Centurion: Oh, sir, he, he, er-
Pilate: No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week!
Centurion: Yes, sir. (grabs snickering guard) C'mon, you. (he drags the guard out of the room; the guard continues to laugh helplessly)
Pilate: I will NOT have my fwiends widiculed by the... common soldiewy! (glares at Brian's guards) Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus... Dickus? (both guards struggle to keep their laughter in; Pilate marches over to another guard who is practically inhaling his own cheeks trying to keep from laughing) What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus... (the guard makes a feeble squeaking noise) DICKUS? (Brian's guards are struggling even more to keep their laughter in; a few deep breaths, and they seem to recover)"

Uther : Does he really not realize why they're laughing ?
Morgana : (in-between fits of laughter) Not meant... to be... taken seriously

"He has a wife, you know. (one of the guards' faces turns to pure dread; they're both sure they're about to lose their battle to keep from laughing) You know what she's called? (the guards shake their heads) She's called... Incontinentia. (Beat) Incontinentia Buttocks"

(The laughter of the watchers graduates from giggling to full-blown laughs. Even Uther snickers slightly at that.)
Uther : What an... interesting... name...

"(this is the last straw for the guards; they fall about laughing hysterically) STOP! What is all this!? I've had enough of this... wowdy wabble, sniggewing behaviour! Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian Guards!? (Brian takes advantage of the distraction and sneaks away, but Pilate notices him) Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!"

Uther : (sigh) This is why I demand that my soldiers keep a professional front (turns to the still-laughing watchers). Although I've abandoned any hope of professionality from you lot
Arthur (gasping for breaths) What.. a... way.. to escape ! (breaks out into laughter again)
Uther : (sighs)