Two heavy hands fell on Yamagi's shoulders.
"It is time. Firing squad is ready," Gjallarhorn soldier said dispassionately; his visored helmet revealed only his mouth.
"But Shino... I must take care of him...!" he called in panic.
"Norba Shino died in the last battle. He was killed in an attack on the Arianrhod fleet."
"It can't be! I saved him!" Yamagi insisted, looking around frantically.
"Yamagi Gilmerton, it's time to go." The hands pressed heavier on his shoulders.
"No, no! He promised to come back... He promised it to me...!"
Yamagi sat up and gasped for air. It took over the minute for the feeling of horror diminish and his breathing return to normal. He wiped the sweat off his brow and turned his head to the side. The room was dark, but a faint light was coming in through the gap in the curtain. Shino was lying calmly close to him and breathing regularly. Yamagi felt a sudden relief falling on him.
He knew he wouldn't sleep any more. He got up and poured himself water in the kitchen, then returned to the room and sat down by the medical capsule to took at the face of the only man who mattered to him in the whole universe.
He'd had the first nightmare since the battle with Arianrhod. Even though the battle would come to him in dreams earlier – on Gjallarhorn ship – it wasn't more than clouded shards of memory that wouldn't evoke any emotions. This dream, however, was very clear. Apparently, departure from the ship – enemy ship, what an irony – had robbed Yamagi of the sense of security. Ah, but he didn't really feel scared, only determined. He was responsible for Shino.
Before they'd got off the flagship of the Fourth Fleet – Yamagi had never learned the name of its admiral – the doctors had measured Shino's brain activity for the last time and declared it to belong to a sleeping person rather than a comatose one. It was true that Shino had already started to wake up. Every now and then, his eyelids twitched, as did his facial muscles. Sometimes a stifled sound came from his mouth, and sometimes he moved his fingers. According to the doctors, he should regain consciousness within a few days, but if he didn't, Yamagi should take him to the hospital.
Captain Mettel had taken care of probably all possible needs of the two fugitives – how else should Yamagi call Shino and himself? Their shuttle had been loaded with a supply of nutritional solution and the most basic rations that would be enough for two weeks; several sets of civilian clothes and two new spacesuits; Shino's medical history in a printed version along with the recommendations regarding his further care; and even a computer terminal that they could use to, for example, search the information about colonies but also news. In the luggage, Yamagi had discovered even two mugs with a fancy decoration in Gjallarhorn colours, a lamp shaped like the Moon (when it had been still full and round), and even – unbelievable – a Skipjack-class model ship that, upon pressing a button in its aft section, would lit up with numerous lights and made strange sounds. It was beyond doubt that the last gifts came from Lieutenant Starnord, who'd apparently thought Yamagi and Shino might feel bored... or had wished them best of luck in their new life, probably both.
Yamagi asked himself if he should feel guilty about the liking he'd taken to the two officers of the Arianrhod fleet. He'd grown up without safe care of the adults. The older members of CGS had loved to torment kids above all, and it was only Old Man Yukinojō who had shown him there were trustworthy adults out there, though it had taken months before Yamagi could really feel so. Later, Miss Merribit had appeared, and she'd cared for the well-being of the Tekkadan boys right from the start, though she couldn't really support them the way they needed. The thing with Miss Merribit was that she'd treated them like... well, like kids, and doing it, she'd negated all they were... all they had become. At that point, every of them would consider himself a man who'd already left the childhood behind. They'd had to grow up; they'd had no other option. When Miss Merribit had called them children, she'd wanted to shelter them from the whole world.
And now, by pure accident, Yamagi had met two adults who, even when calling him a child, wouldn't take away his worth. The fact he was a child had horrified them, but the reason for that was, or so it seemed to him, a strong belief in moral principles, not individual concern or pity. And those adults had offered him more help he could imagine to get, had treated him with respect he hadn't believed to deserve, and had done everything in order to keep Shino and him safe. How could he dislike them? In what they'd done was no benefit for them or their organisation, unless Yamagi believed what Captain Mettel had said: that Gjallarhorn strived to follow the law and do the right thing, and thus to derogate from it would be dishonour and shame.
Yamagi understood it to some extent. Tekkadan too had acted in accordance to some principles and ideals, although they weren't as high and, first and foremost, aimed at ensuring their prosperity and survival. Nevertheless, it was beyond doubt that Orga was honourable, even too much, which had resulted in Tekkadan fall. Still, could he be criticised for honouring the commitments at all cost? Yamagi wasn't someone to make judgments... especially after he'd left the companions for his own reason.
For one reason – that had just moved in the medical capsule again, before falling into deeper sleep. Yamagi stared at his face for a while and then resumed his reflection.
Sometimes he wondered what would happen to Tekkadan. Would they survived Rustal Elion's attack? What about Old Man and Dane, Eugene and younger boys? What about Orga? He was too scared to look at the news and learn what forces the supreme commander of Gjallarhorn fleet led to confront them. He preferred to think that with Mikazuki and Akihiro's help, the two strongest warriors, Tekkadan would resist and make it possible for the rest to hide so that Gjallarhorn would never find them. And maybe one day, when the times would be better and McGillis Fareed's rebellion – was is anything else, now? – was forgotten, they would be able to come out of hiding and become the members of society. Just like he'd told Captain Mettel.
He rose and looked out through the gap in the curtain, then drew it aside. The light sent to the Moon surface was growing brighter, marking start of the day. Yamagi had decided to first come here and wait until Shino recovered enough, before going somewhere else. The Arianrhod fleet had its base here, but Yamagi had thought that hiding in the plain sight would do the trick. According to Captain Mettel, they didn't need to concern themselves with any pursuit, but if someone had decided to find them indeed, the Moon wouldn't be the first choice to search. He'd come to the biggest city, Serenity, and rented a small flat in the working-class district near the spaceport. It took only the fifth of the funds on the card, though he had to pay for the parking spot for the ship, too. Obviously, Captain Mettel had thought of quite another standard of living when talking about two weeks, but Gjallarhorn was an elitist and wealthy organisation, unlike Tekkadan with its very modest lifestyle.
With the supply of food, Yamagi had no need to go outside, despite it being his first time on the Moon. He hadn't come here to sightsee – what interested him the most was here, in this very flat. The thought of leaving Shino's side wouldn't even occur to him. He turned to the capsule again... just in time to see Shino blinking when the sunlight touched his face.
His heart sped up. "Shino...!" The next moment he was holding Shino's hand and repeating his name.
"Is it you, Yamagi?" Shino rasped out; he hadn't used his voice for over a week now. He couldn't focus his sight; he didn't seem to even see Yamagi.
"Yes, Shino. It's me," Yamagi ensured him; he could barely speak of emotion.
The hand he was holding squeezed his own. "That's good," Shino whispered and licked his parched lips. "Water..."
Yamagi rushed to the kitchen and filled the glass to carefully put it to Shino's mouth. Shino drank a few sips and then fell asleep again.
That was all, and yet Yamagi felt as if a new cosmic era had started in his life. Actually, he'd felt the same when Shino had moved for the first time, only yesterday. Ah, it didn't matter. Shino was getting better, and he would soon recover. What would happen after that... Yamagi would worry about it later.
The words, 'That's good, ' were still ringing in the air like an echo of his heartbeat.
Shino slept for the rest of the day, and it was a sleep indeed, for he would move and occasionally mutter something. He didn't wake up, though, and Yamagi tried not to feel disappointed with it. He spent the time reading about the Moon.
The only natural satellite of Earth had been damaged during the great war three centuries ago, that had destroyed almost all infrastructure existing on it. But as it was the nearest globe to Earth, people wouldn't give it up and soon had colonised it again. Yamagi, who had grown up on a planet, could understand it: himself, he too would prefer to live on the Moon than in the colony with only an artificial sky above his head. Of course, if he were able to stay with Shino, the location was of a lesser importance...
There were several cities on the Moon. Each of them was enclosed with a barrier that kept the necessary vital conditions and proceeded the sunlight: dispersed it so that it resembled the one in the atmosphere, or completely blocked it. It aimed at creating a 24 hours day that humans needed to function. The day on Moon lasted 14 days on Earth (or Mars), as did the night. During the lunar day, the screens in the barrier would gradually lighten in the 'morning' and then grow dark again in the 'evening'. During the lunar night it was easier: the space mirrors send the light on the surface for twelve hours, and the screens only regulated its intensity in order to create the impression of dawn and dusk. The length of the day here, regulated artificially, was always the same, unlike on the planets, where it changed with the seasons.
As a mechanic, Yamagi was greatly impressed by the technology that made it possible.
That night, he had another nightmare he couldn't wake up from. By Rustal Elion's order, the Dáinsleif squad kept firing at Mars, slowly destroying the Red Planet and all life on it. Yamagi could only watch his home planet being broken into pieces to drift in the space forever. He knew all his friends met their demise, leaving him alone – even Shino, who had turned away from him. He knew it was his punishment for deserting Tekkadan.
He waked up with a terrible heavy feeling in his chest and face wet with tears.
Shino waked up the next morning, and this time he stayed awake longer.
"How do you feel? Are you in pain?" Yamagi asked upon hearing a quiet moan. The next moment, he stood by his side, offering him water. "Drink."
"I feel terrible," Shino muttered, having drowned the glass. "Weak like a baby. I can't even see anything cos my eyes get dizzy when I look."
"It will go away, you'll soon recover your strength," Yamagi ensured, squeezing his hand to comfort him. "You were unconscious for over a week."
"Damn... I lost so many meals."
Despite himself, Yamagi smiled. "You want to eat? We have enough food."
"You're my angel," Shino rasped with his eyes closed.
Yamagi took a plastic tube with the high-energy drink out of the bag, opened it and put to Shino's lips. Shino drank the content in a few seconds and asked for more.
"I'd prefer something more solid..." he said.
"That's when you're able to sit up," Yamagi said without thinking.
Shino snorted, but then a weak smile appeared on his face. "All right, doctor."
"Don't make fun of me."
"All right, nurse."
Yamagi clenched his teeth. He told himself it was good Shino was being himself. Let him joke as much as he wanted...
"Hey, Yamagi...?"
"Mhm?"
"You're alright?"
"I am. No need to worry."
"That's good," Shino replied, sounding relieved.
Yamagi had that funny feeling in his chest again, and it lasted after Shino fell asleep.
Yamagi had assured the Gjallarhorn doctors that he would be able to take care of Shino if they only told him what to do and what not to do. He couldn't imagine going to the hospital if Shino's condition didn't require it. He'd wanted to hide somewhere with him, to 'fall off Gjallarhorn's radar', like Captain Mettel had said. And even though, save for first aid, he hadn't had much experience in tending to people – his job was to tend to machines – he had no doubt he would manage. For Shino, he would do anything, and his enthusiasm was infinite.
Well, no wonder Shino called him a nurse, he thought with resignation. He'd read the doctor's notes over and over again and soon learned them by heart, and then put the recommendations in force. Not that there were many of them; it was the capsule that mostly took care of the patient's health: it maintained the temperature to prevent the hypothermia, it also prevented pressure sores from forming and helped to maintain the hygiene, absorbing and processing all body fluids... Actually, Yamagi didn't have much to do; he could only serve as mental support and give food.
Yet, there was something incredibly wonderful in the fact their roles were reversed, even if for such unfortunate circumstances – that he, useless Yamagi Gilmerton, could for a moment take care of Shino, whom he admired and respected. It filled him with gratitude... with gladness that he had a chance to pay the debt he had, even to a small extent... that, for once, he could be the stronger one who gave, not take.
It filled him with great happiness.
Shino waked up in the late afternoon. Like always, Yamagi was by his side the moment he'd heard his voice. This time Shino was able to focus his eyes... and the smile he gave him almost knocked Yamagi off his feet. He'd managed to forget the warmth of that smile...!
"Hi," he said softly as his throat clenched with emotion.
"Hi, Yamagi," Shino responded. "Good to see you."
Yamagi nodded, unable to reply. Then he turned his head and realised with pang of regret that the time of being able to stare at Shino as much as he wanted had just ended.
Regret? No, he didn't really regret. He was more than happy about Shino's quick recovery.
"I'm sure you want–" he started, but Shino interrupted him.
"Yamagi... I don't remember a thing."
Those words made Yamagi freeze, but then he recalled Gjallarhorn doctor's claims, "After he regains consciousness, he's going to be disorientated. It would take some time for his memory to return, and it is likely that he won't fully remember the circumstances of his injury."
"You were hurt and spent many days unconscious. No wonder your memory isn't working," he said calmly.
"Hurt?" Shino asked in astonishment. "In a battle or something?"
"What is the last thing you remember?"
Shino frowned for a moment. "It's all a bit of a blur," he said with untypical resignation. "Yamagi, where are we? It's not Isaribi, isn't it? No, we're not even on a ship..." He tried to speak in his normal voice, but there was uncertainty ringing in his words.
"No, we're currently on the Moon," Yamagi replied, still in a calm voice. He knew he had to ensure Shino of safety. "We're going to stay here until you recover... so probably not so long, seeing how fast you're getting better. You don't have to worry about anything, all is fine. By the way, it's time to eat," he changed the topic and wasn't happy about being such a coward, not that it was anything new.
"Rather to drink," Shino pointed out. "It's not even tasty."
"Stop whining. It contains a lot of energy and will get you on your feet soon." Yamagi gave him the plastic tube. "It's not tasty because it was made for intravenous solutions," he added as an explanation, surprised a bit; he'd thought it to be sweet.
"I'm a human, not a machine," Shino protested, taking the tube in his shaking fingers. "I need more than just oil and fuel, Mr. Mechanic." He drank it and asked for another.
'I could give you more, but it's not really what you need...' Yamagi thought and averted his eyes. Such thoughts were pointless and didn't furthered Shino's recuperation.
"Then, you're going to sit up tomorrow, right?" he suggested in an innocent voice.
"You bet," Shino replied feistily. "And today I'm going to start my training. It's time to remind my muscles who their master is."
Shino fell asleep fast after the training of his arms. Even the slightest exertion depleted all his strength, but he didn't doubt – just like Yamagi – he would quickly get better once he started to eat normally.
That night Yamagi didn't have any nightmares; for the first time in ages, he had an erotic dream. He dreamt of that 'more' he could offer Shino to help him regain his fitness – and Shino indeed regained it, at least in this particular area... Once again, he waked up panting, drenched in sweat and exhausted – but, unlike the nightmares, he felt terribly hot. He had to take a long shower to calm down.
There was little chance to wake Shino, but Yamagi hoped he hadn't shouted his name anyway.
In the morning, according to his declaration, Shino grasped the edges of the capsule and sat up. It tired him a lot – his shoulder slumped, and his skin covered with sweat – but when he looked up at Yamagi, his eyes were shining, and a smile widened his lips.
Yamagi ignored the feeling of happiness – he'd waited so long to see that look...! – and only nodded in approval, then warmed two food rations and gave him one. It wasn't exquisite, but certainly more tasty than nutritional drink. Shino ate his portion as fast as his weakened hands let him. The capsule adjusted to his new position, forming the backrest, and he fell on it. It seemed he'd used all his strength on eating.
"I feel like an invalid in this," he said after a longer while of resting, looking at the case.
"It's a medical capsule, and you're a convalescent, so it looks about right," Yamagi stated.
"I don't want to sit in it."
"Well, you don't have to. You may move to... to the bed."
Shino looked out of the capsule at the piece of furniture in question... and then fell on the bedding again; apparently, he'd found out that option was beyond his ability for now. But he didn't plan to give up and soon started to exercise his legs. Yamagi observed his movements closely, ready to pick up every moan or wince; however, though it seemed impossible, Shino's fractures had really got healed within a week, owing to Gjallarhorn technology. He didn't look to be in pain, except for sore muscles, which was something everyone in Tekkadan had learned to ignore long ago.
"Are we really on the Moon?" Shino asked, pulling his knees up.
That question gladdened Yamagi; it seemed Shino's memory was working. "Yep."
"I've never been to the Moon. We must go sightseeing. I bet they have a lot of nice places here..."
Yamagi gulped. "It's a good plan once you get on your feet again," he said calmly, although he didn't quite like the vision of Shino going to a 'nice place'... if it was that kind of places the ace of Tekkadan used to frequented.
"Tomorrow?"
Now Yamagi was at a loss for words. No matter how he thought he'd got used to Shino's incredible energy, there were always moments it amazed him.
Tomorrow? Shino had regained consciousness only two days ago, and he already planed to walk tomorrow? It couldn't be possible... Or maybe it was? He had no idea. But it was Shino, who set the limits himself.
He shrugged. "It's up to you," he said in the end.
They talked about normal things. Everything was like before. During the week that Shino had been unconscious, Yamagi had thought it would be impossible to go back. So much had happened – even though Shino still didn't know about it – and so much had changed, at least in his opinion... But it was Shino – the centre of his personal universe, the star that created gravity, determined the rhythm and generated the climate. Shino was natural in everything he did, and radiated that atmosphere of naturalness all around, so Yamagi too got into his role of a bit quiet, a bit distant, a but ironic, a bit demanding company. Even if Tekkadan perished... even if they never met with their friends again... Shino wouldn't stop being himself, and apparently it was the same in Yamagi's case, too.
If Tekkadan perished... In the afternoon, when Shino was asleep, tired by his exercises, Yamagi finally mustered courage and looked in the net. The news wasn't good, but he hadn't really expected such. Rustal Elion had branded Tekkadan as a military organisation threatening the peace and order. The members of Tekkadan were now criminals. Gjallarhorn, in the person of Elion and his fleet, was already approaching Mars to carry out justice...
Captain Mettel has been right about any single thing, to say nothing of his prediction skills. He'd said, 'You must fall off Gjallarhorn's radar before we get new instructions.' Maybe he'd known of Elion's plans, maybe only predicted them, but his decisions saved Yamagi and Shino's life. If they'd been on the ship of the Fourth Fleet when Tekkadan had been outlawed, nothing would have saved them. They would've been criminals, and every Gjallarhorn soldier would be obliged to arrest them...
They were criminals, he realised the next moment with an unpleasant shiver running down his spine. Shino and he were now officially criminals. For now, they could hide here, but one day they would have to go out. If someone recognised them – or their connection with Tekkadan came out... They couldn't reveal who they were. They would find job only if their employer didn't ask for their papers, their identities – what were the chances for that? Minimal.
Still, he tried not to think of it, concentrating instead on present and on this joy filling him when he saw recovering Shino... on this happiness he hadn't expected to feel, especially after the last events. The circumstances were tragic, and yet being here together, as if the whole world had ceased existing... He couldn't deny it filled him with bliss that was slowly healing the wounds caused by the recent battle. Even if they were to be outcasts... Together, they would somehow manage; that was what he wanted to believe.
Just this once, he wanted to be an optimist, even though some part of him insisted it would quickly get him back.
In the evening, Shino really managed to move out of the capsule and onto the bed. He then lay down, breathing heavily for a longer while, but he was so proud of himself that Yamagi had to praise him... and reward with an additional ration. Earlier, he'd covered him in a blanket so that he didn't have to look at his naked body. He didn't need any new erotic dreams...
"Hey, Yamagi... Where are the guys?" Shino asked once he rested a bit. "When are we going to see them?"
Yamagi's heart stopped beating for a moment, but he had to remain calm. As if nothing happened, he kept looking for some clothes for Shino, wondering about his answer. In the end, he didn't think of anything sensible, so he said only, "I don't know, Shino. I think they are on Mars. At this point, I can't tell you any more," and he prayed that Shino settled for it.
His prayers must have been answered, for Shino, after a moment of silence, put his hands over his head and said, "Let's hope we'll soon know."
Shino took the only bed. It was double, and he lay down on one side – after which he fell asleep – but Yamagi knew he could by no means lie next to him. No, no, no. When he tried the sofa, however, it appeared he couldn't sleep at all. He kept tossing and turning for at least one hour before he realised it wasn't about physical comfort – no-one in Tekkadan even cared for luxury – only that over the last days he'd got used to being close to Shino in order to react to any change in his condition.
Now that Shino was already fine, there was no such need. He had to get used to sleep by himself, and that was all, he told himself and tried to fall sleep again.
It didn't help. He was getting even more restless and finally, cursing himself, got out of the sofa and walked to the bed. Maybe it wasn't Shino, who'd needed his presence, only he'd needed Shino's presence? It was probably so, he thought in despair. He couldn't help it. He lay down on the very edge of the bed, pulling his hands and legs up. He simply had to wake up earlier, so that Shino didn't have a heart attack, seeing him there...
In a dream, he returned on the Earth orbit to watch the battle with the Arianrhod fleet. Bolts of energy and missiles were passing him mid-air, hitting his friends' machines and destroying them one by one. He saw the Dáinsleifs' attack that sank Hotarubi. He saw lone Shino, getting ready for that last attack, last shot that could end this battle and bring their side victory... believing with every fibre of his body he would succeed – and knew how it was going to end...
"Shino, no!" he shouted in despair, but there was no sound in the void, as there was no air, and he felt he was suffocating.
Despite it, he had to look how Shino's only bullet missed and Gundam Flauros... Ryūsei-gō IV was pierced by cannonade of the Arianrhod flagship and others.
"SHINO!"
"...Yamagi! Yamagi!"
"Don't die! Shino!"
"I'm not going to die. Yamagi, can you hear me? Yamagi!"
Yamagi opened his eyes – full of tears that, by some miracle, hadn't frozen in the space. Suddenly, all lights were gone and only darkness remained; the universe had died together with him. He couldn't help crying. Sobs were shaking his body, and terrible pain was squeezing his chest.
"Yamagi? It's alright, Yamagi. It's alright. I'm here." A calming voice got through crying that he realized was his own.
He wasn't drifting in space. He was in the safe world with air and gravity, and warmth. He was on the Moon... on the bed in the flat they shared with Shino, and Shino was now holding him close and stroking his head.
Yamagi's fingers clenched on the fabric of Shino's vest, and he tried to contain his tears. "I had a dream about the last battle," he whispered once he could talk again, although his voice was still close to breaking. "I dreamt that you died," he said and felt once again as if someone had pierced his heart.
"I didn't die. I'm alive, Yamagi," came an immediate answer, and then Shino took his trembling hand to put it on his own chest. "It's my heart. Feel how it's beating?"
Yamagi did. For a moment, he let himself be consoled by that fast, strong pulse that docked him in reality, in life.
"It was just a bad dream," Shino went on. "I'm not going to die, trust me."
The sat like that for a longer while. Shino kept stroking his head in a calming manner. Yamagi's heart, that had been thumping against his ribs like a bird in a cage, slowed down. Shino was alive. He was alive and by his side. He hadn't died up there, on the Earth orbit, killed by Arianrhod.
He had lived, just like he'd promised.
"It's not a dream, is it?" Yamagi asked like a small kid. "It's not a dream that you were saved? I won't wake up all alone...?"
"It's the real truth," Shino assured him.
"Don't go away, Shino. Please."
"I'm not going to. I'm here to stay, so don't worry."
Exhausted by crying and nightmare, Yamagi had no strength to get out of his embrace, even though he knew he should. He was slowly regaining the cold perspective, giving the situation the frames... reminding he couldn't stay so close to Shino, otherwise Shino...
But Shino was here, and for him, had touched him himself, had embraced him himself, to give him security, and Yamagi had needed that, and there was nothing wrong with it.
He didn't knew when he fell asleep again.
He waked up when it was completely light. He was lying curled up on the edge of the bed – and Shino, facing him, had been watching him who knew for how long. Now he smiled warmly when their eyes met.
Yamagi started up and would have fallen if Shino hadn't caught him, shooting his arms towards him and pulling him back onto the bed.
"Hey, I'm not biting," he said and laughed, rolling over his back. "Sometimes, I don't understand you at all."
Yamagi pulled his hands to his chest in a helpless gesture. "Sorry, I... Sorry."
"What for?" Shino asked in a surprise, looking at him again.
'For getting into your bed. For waking you up in the middle of the night. For showing my worst part to you, like a kid haunted by nightmares, forcing you to console me. For being unable to act normally. For...'
He shook his head and got up without a word. He didn't want let know how distressed he was.
Later, as they were eating breakfast – food rations were fast disappearing as the convalescent consumed a lot of them – Shino said, "Hey, Yamagi... You talked of the battle... Was there really any?"
"You don't remember? I mean... You still don't remember?"
"Not a single thing," Shino shook his head in a theatrical gesture, but then he gave him a sharp look. "Won't you tell me?"
Yamagi put the tray on the table; he suddenly lost his appetite. For a moment, he gathered his thought. "Do you remember the demise of the Turbines?" A nod. "And Lafter's death, and cutting ties with Teiwaz?" Another nod. "And how we allied ourselves with McGillis Fareed? And went to Earth, where he planned to take control over Gjallarhorn?"
Now there was no nod; Shino was clearly thinking. "Now that you say about it, there was something like that... And what?"
"And he failed, and then there was that battle... on Earth orbit..." Yamagi felt pain in his chest. "Fareed's forces and us against Gjallarhorn's Arianrhod fleet," he added, although his throat was clenching. "We lost Hotarubi... And..."
He fell silent; he could say no more. He lowered his head and pulled knees up to his chest.
"Hey, Yamagi..."
Yamagi raised one hand to let him know he was all right. He was all right, and there was no need for Shino to worry about him. That battle was over. Even if it kept returning to him in dreams, it had happened and wouldn't happen again. He was fine.
He looked at Shino again, trying to focus on his face and not see the space flashing with explosions. "Arianrhod demolished us," he said once he could trust his voice. "There was nothing left to do but run. Our guys retread with Isaribi to Mars, and McGillis Fareed with them. It was ten... No, eleven days ago. Only that Rustal Elion followed them there," he added in a lower voice, averting his eyes. "Gjallarhorn branded Tekkadan as an armed organisation and public enemy. They plan... plan to fight until the end. Maybe the battle even happens as we speak." He looked at Shino again. "But I don't believe they won't make it. They have Mikazuki and Akihiro...!" he called with conviction he didn't really feel. "Besides, Mars is our turf... There is no chance that anything happens to them. Orga will make sure no-one get hurt."
He stopped. He was unable to go on when Shino was staring at him in such stupefaction.
"All that happened when I was out cold?" the pilot of Ryūsei-gō finally asked in a dull tone. "Yamagi, are you telling me that... our guys may be fighting for their lives, and I haven't done a thing to help them? And I still can't...!"
He banged his fist on the bed frame and then cursed loudly. And again. At least he hadn't jumped out of the bed, ready to fly to Mars that very moment – even he could realise that he wouldn't be on time... But it was a small consolation, as he was clearly feeling bad. Yamagi almost physically picked up all emotions that must have filled Shino that moment...
"You were badly wounded in the battle. You fought on the front lines and took all attack on yourself," he explained patiently, although he was trembling all over. "You... almost died. You were unconscious over a week. But your actions helped them to escape. If not for you, the battle would have ended in Tekkadan's massacre. You were miraculously saved, really..." His chest ached again, and he hunched, even though he knew it wouldn't help. "Shino... you almost died. Please, don't blame yourself," he uttered.
Shino clenched his fists and then put them to his forehead. He sat like that for a moment, then got up and staggered towards the window to lean against its frame. Yamagi had no idea if he could see anything outside.
He felt terrible. He'd had to give Shino bad news and had known what kind of reaction it would provoke, but it was still worse he'd imagined. Memory of that battle, Tekkadan's fate, Shino on the verge of death... He hid his face in his knees and put the arms around his head. He wished he could disappear in order to never remember it. He thought Shino was really lucky...
"You stayed to take care of me?" he heard unsure voice over the noise in his ears.
He nodded. "Yhm."
"Sorry, you must've been worried."
He raised his head and tried to focus his gaze. Shino had turned from the window and was now looking at him with warmth in his eyes. Rage, regret, shame – all those negative emotions that had been filling him just a few minutes ago – had vanished from his face. Maybe not vanished – they seemed to lurk at the bottom of his sight – but he obviously attempted to push them down, beyond consciousness. He took two steps towards him and stretched out his hands... only to stop the next moment and let his arm fall. Then he stepped back and sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Thanks, Yamagi," he said. "You must've been worried," he repeated.
Yamagi shook his head; his eyes stung. "You're alive," he rasped. "That's all that matters..."
Shino gave him a short smile before looking at the window again. "Thanks. Really. I wish I were with the guys... But if it's you I've been with, it's alright." His eyes went back to Yamagi, and there was that familiar warmth in his gaze again, even though Yamagi had thought he would never see it. Shino didn't cease to surprise him. "Thanks."
Yamagi stared at him for a moment. In another situation, he would say his immortal, 'Don't make fun of me,' but... It seemed Shino wanted to say something more... as if Shino meant much more. It was probably his imagination. In any case, there was no need for thanks.
"I'm not a doctor, I'm just a mechanic," he said, and it was pretty much unrelated to anything they talked about.
These words, however, reminded him of another. 'Brave mechanic who saved his pilot,' Captain Mettel had said a few days ago. That time, Yamagi had been too preoccupied to think of them, but now...
Saved. He had saved Shino. And even though the thought he'd almost lost him was still overwhelming – he didn't believe he could ever forget that dreadful battle or think of it without emotion – the truth was he'd saved him.
He inhaled deeply and then slowly exhaled. And set up a hierarchy of the world again.
Shino was alive, and that was the most important thing. No matter what had been sacrificed, no matter what they'd lost and would lose yet, Shino was still here, next to him. Shino's presence was the only thing Yamagi yearned for. Always. It was beyond him to stop worrying about Tekkadan, not yet, just like it was too early to accept their defeat – he had to believe that they would survive, as he'd believed until now – but maybe he should at least stop reminiscing that battle and those moments... the worst moments of his life, let them go, never recall them and instead focus on what he'd gained and what he hadn't lost...? He'd realised it from the very start, but that would still sometimes come to him... But he was stronger that that, wasn't he? As long as Shino was by him, he could face those fears... those ghosts of past, for they weren't anything else.
They sat for a longer while in silence, but it was calm and safe, not the lack of sound of the space that hurt the ears. It put together and restored the intimacy between them that had been ripped by emotional outburst and, just for a moment, dyed in sorrow: intimacy of two friends who'd known each others for years, trusted one another and cared for each other, even though in separate ways.
"Hey, Yamagi..." Shino finally spoke. "You know you can cry if you want. You don't have to be so tough all the time when you have a hard time. You were by my side… worried about me, and I was out cold... Let me be the stronger one again, okay?"
"I'll be fine," Yamagi retorted, offended. He'd just decided to focus on positives and manage by himself, and now Shino offered him to cry more? "And I'll do my best so that my nightmares won't wake you anymore."
"Okay," Shino replied. "Just so you know, I'm here."
The day passed in peace. Despite what he'd said yesterday, Shino didn't insist that they go out; he either was too weak or bad news preoccupied him, probably the both. He must have been shocked, much more he was letting know. From time to time, he asked Yamagi to check the news, but the result was the same: no new info from Mars, Rustal Elion prepares for attack on Tekkadan... In the end, even Shino understood that it was pointless and they only got even more depressed, for they didn't know anything and couldn't do anything to change the situation.
Yamagi didn't feel good with the thought he didn't tell Shino everything. He hadn't told him the details of the battle... nor their last conversation before Shino had sortied. He'd hid the fact he'd left Isaribi and abandoned their companions. He hadn't told him that it was Gjallarhorn that had helped them after Yamagi had voluntarily surrendered to them. He realised that at least the two last ones would be even a greater shock to Shino, and he was scared it would mean end of their friendship. Shino wouldn't understand that Yamagi would sacrifice everything for him: own freedom, even life... even life and freedom of everyone else in Tekkadan. For him, Yamagi's actions would be a betrayal of friends, and he would by no means want to be the cause for that. No, if Yamagi told him about it, he would get only hate in response... and it would break his heart. He was too much of a coward.
Speaking of being a coward... He still hadn't confessed his feelings. He kept telling himself that the time wasn't right, that Shino was a convalescent and had too much on his mind due to Tekkadan's situation... but those were only excuses. Now that Shino had regained consciousness – when he was himself again, not just a body unaware of anything – and was just like before, it was easy for Yamagi to assume his old role and hide his feelings. He'd made promises to himself that he would say, 'I love you,' at the first possible occasion, but when it'd become clear they had chance to survive, he'd come back to what he'd had before, for it was a better option than anything that might happen after those words.
Never before had he despised himself as much as he did now.
For Yamagi, 'I'll do my best so that my nightmares won't wake you anymore' meant moving onto the sofa, and permanently, which was the best solution anyway as Shino decided to sleep without vest.
"Are you stupid or what?" Shino commented in the evening. "Why should you sleep on the sofa?" He couldn't just grasp it, but why should he?
"You're still recovering, so the bed is for you."
"Don't treat me like an invalid."
"Why do you care when I sleep?"
"Cos it's so wide that a whole bunch of people could sleep here."
Yamagi opened his mouth and then closed it again. For a moment, he only stared at Shino before averting his eyes. "Why do you want to sleep with me in one bed?" he muttered.
"Cos I'll feel better knowing that you're close."
Yamagi goggled his eyes on him. He'd never been so astonished before. There was no trace of deceit on Shino's face; could he really think that, or was he just making fun of Yamagi? But if he really did, could Yamagi refuse him?
In the end, he curled up on the edge of the bed, with face to the door and perfectly certain he wouldn't fall asleep. For the first time in a long time, he felt physically Shino was close. During the last days, he would barely think of it – dreams didn't count, as they were beyond his control – not when Shino had lain unconscious or very weak... Now, however, that Shino was becoming more and more himself with every passing minute and all that had once been between them was coming back... Now knowing that Shino was lying in the same bed, just one meter away and without any shirt, made Yamagi feel hot, raised his heartbeat and breathing rate, made him shiver all over. It didn't help a bit that Shino had taken a shower – another contribution of Kūdelia Aina Bernstein to Tekkadan – and a pleasant smell of freshness drifted to Yamagi's nose. Similarly, it didn't help to think of cooling systems, cold stars (that weren't really cold, for that matter), vacuum of space... No, he didn't even want to think of vacuum, although it was so terrifying it would undoubtedly suck the last spark of desire out of him... along with everything else.
Shino, however, fell asleep in two minutes, and somehow his calm breathing made Yamagi slowly relax, too. Before drifting to sleep, he even rolled over and, though he couldn't see anything in darkness, he imagined Shino's peaceful face turned in his side.
He waked up – or, rather, was waked up – when it was still dark. Shino was sitting on the bed and gasping for breath. It was beyond doubt, this time he'd had a nightmare. Yamagi sat up, involuntarily moving one hand towards him. His heart was beating fast. "Shino...?"
Shino's big hand searched and grabbed Yamagi's, clenching it and almost hurting. "Yamagi...!" Shino called in a strangled voice. "You're here?"
"I am," Yamagi replied and twisted his wrist so that he could squeeze Shino's fingers.
"That's good... I'm glad."
Yamagi remained silent; he tried to convey reassurance with touch. He felt guilty for not having believed it when Shino had declared he'd wanted to be close, in the evening. Suddenly, the memory of the previous night and his own fear no longer seemed to terrible; he wasn't the only one haunted by nightmares, and having someone close in moment of despair and fear really mattered.
"Orga, Mikazuki... Akihiro... And other guys..." Shino's breathing was getting calmer, but speaking still seemed hard for him. "They left. Vanished. I was the only one left."
Yamagi squeezed his hand again. "It was just a dream. We're going to see them again," he said calmly, although he wasn't sure of that.
"I'm glad you're here, Yamagi."
Relief in Shino's voice evoked that funny feeling in Yamagi, along with affection. "I'm going to stay," Yamagi assured him with full convenience. "I'm not going anywhere, you can trust me."
'If only you let me stay,' he added in thoughts.
Shino took a deep breath, kept it in his lungs for a longer while and then slowly exhaled. "That's good."
They sat in silence and darkness, unable to see each other. Yamagi thought it was for the best.
"Let's try to get some sleep," he offered softly.
He tried to take his hand, but Shino only grabbed it tighter. He lay down on the pillow but clearly didn't want to break the contact. Yamagi had no choice but let him, not that he had anything against it.
"Hey, Yamagi... You were alright?" Shino's voice rang in the darkness.
'Except for mental suffering, I was,' Yamagi thought. "I was fine. I didn't take part in fighting."
"For sure?"
"For sure. I don't even have a scratch."
"That's good. I don't want anything happen to you."
Yamagi's heart sped up again. But, he realised the next moment, Shino would probably say it to any member of Tekkadan who would be in his place, so he shouldn't imagine things.
"I'll be fine. I'm not a pilot, only a mechanic. I'm in no danger."
The silence fell between them, although Yamagi thought his heartbeat could be heard in it. Shino's big and warm hand was holding his. They lay like that for a moment, saying no more, until Shino fell asleep. Yamagi needed some longer to follow him.
That night, he had no nightmares. He thought Shino had made their quota.
The next day was the worst since the battle against Arianrhod.
Shino was despondent since morning; apparently, the nightmare of losing his friends had shaken him a lot. He hardly spoke at all during breakfast, and his mood infected Yamagi, who spent the next hour thinking up even darker scenarios as to how they would be from now on. At some point, he'd almost convinced himself that, for all his declarations, Shino would gladly trade him for the safety of others members of Tekkadan.
Then it only got worse. When he looked in the net, he wished he hadn't. Rustal Elion's proud face attacked on all channels, along with the headlines of total destruction of Tekkadan on Mars (and McGillis Fareed's death, which was of lesser importance). At first, Yamagi didn't believe that. Gjallarhorn could manipulate information as they pleased – and they had done it all the time indeed – so most of it might as well be a lie.
Then, however, he found a photograph that shattered his belief. In it, a Gjallarhorn pilot was proudly displaying a severed head of the mobile suit Yamagi knew as well as himself. It was Gundam Barbatos Lupus Rex, Tekkadan's most powerful weapon that had saved the organisation from countless dangers. If Barbatos was defeated, it had to mean...
"Yamagi...?" Shino's hesitating voice broke his reverie.
He looked at him with despair; his heart was beating so fast it hurt. Shino was staring at him with tension visible in his whole body. As slow as he was, he must have realised something had happened. But how could Yamagi say it? What if Shino wanted to go to Mars to search for the friends or even decided to go to war against Gjallarhorn to have revenge?
No, even he couldn't be so foolish – and Yamagi too, suspecting him of that.
"They write that Tekkadan was destroyed," he revealed in a dull voice. "That Barbatos was defeated. But... I can't believe it, Shino. Gjallarhorn controls media; they just say what they please. I can't believe that Orga and Mikazuki... Eugene and Old Man... Ride... I don't believe it they lost, not on Mars."
He clenched his fists, unable to say any more. He hunched on the sofa, trying to keep hope alive, but it proved impossible. Barbatos' cut off head was irrefutable evidence. There were tons of the photographs of the same scene in the net, taken from different angles, so it couldn't be fake. It meant that Mikazuki...
"I'm sure you're right," Shino's vigorous voice broke his train of thought. "It's some rubbish. Tekkadan never lost. And there's no chance that anyone could beat us on Mars. It's our turf, our home. Let them write that nonsense, we know better, right?"
Yamagi looked at him. He could still see what was left of Gundam Barbatos before his eyes, and he was certain he wouldn't be able to ever forget it. But this moment, he didn't wish anything more than to let himself be consoled by Shino and believe his words.
"Yhm."
The day passed somehow, but it dragged terribly. Shino trained his weakened muscles most of the time, while Yamagi tried to find any information on Tekkadan, any good information, but to no avail. Of course, if they'd survived – and it had to be so, for sure – finding their photographs or any statements would be the last thing to happen. If they'd survived, they would go into hiding and keep away until the world forgot they'd ever existed. Despite that, he didn't stop searching.
In the evening, he was more exhausted than after several days of work. Idleness, together with worry, withered him. He could no longer enjoy being with Shino, for Shino's fears became his fears, even though he would accept the fate of his friends himself, low as it was. Now he wished to find some proof that Tekkadan lived, so that Shino cheered up... and everything was like before.
In the night, Shino had nightmare about his companions die one by one again, and Yamagi held his hand again and tried to comfort him… assure him of his support. Depressed Shino was such a terrible vision Yamagi would do anything to prevent it from happening. Shino was the older and stronger one; Yamagi couldn't imagine it to change, as it would turn the world around. He wanted that Shino laughed and joked again, free from any worry.
He was a terrible egoist.
"Hey, Yamagi... You think we're the only survivors of Tekkadan?" Shino asked quietly once his breath was back to normal.
Yamagi felt his heart stop. "Of course we're not! How could you think something like that? It's because of that dream, right? It was just a dream, Shino. A stupid dream. I'm sure we'll see them again. I'm sure..."
Shino remained silent. Yamagi felt his enthusiasm – faked – vanish. Again, Barbatos' severed hear flashed before his eyes, overlapping all images. But he really couldn't believe the demise of Tekkadan. No, it was simply impossible, whatever Gjallarhorn tried to convince them of. Someone must have survived. Probably most of them. There was no way that Orga and Mikazuki let kill them.
But Mikazuki...
"And if we really were the only survivors...?" he whispered involuntarily and immediately regretted it. He was scared Shino would say, 'Then it's better to not live at all'.
Shino, however, was silent for a longer while. Then, he squeezed his hand again. "Then we must stick together."
Yamagi felt dizzy... that was, he would feel dizzy if he weren't lying. His heart beat faster. Stick together? Together with Shino? As far as he was concerned, he didn't wish for anything else than stick together with Shino for the rest of his days. But Shino...
"You would tell it anyone from Tekkadan in such situation, right?"
Shino sat up abruptly; Yamagi flinched and then hunched. He was certain he'd made him angry. He shouldn't have said that. Not now, when everything was uncertain, when they didn't know if the others were all right... That was what he should focus on, not his own egoistic needs. How easy it came to him to forget about Tekkadan... How easy it was to imagine Shino could forget...
"Sorry... I shouldn't-…"
"You're a silly boy, you know that?"
Yamagi fell silent, at a loss to understand that. Actually, he no longer understood anything, his thoughts were getting tangled, his moods swung, his throat clenched, and some hot emotion tried to rip open his chest and get out, and he was shaking all over, unsure if he could ever be calm again.
Why Shino had said it?
But it didn't matter. If he asked anything, said anything... he would make an even more pathetic jerk of himself. He had to keep his mouth shut. He had to...
He sat up on the bed. "Shino, during that battle with Arianrhod... I know you don't remember it, but... When you failed in your last attack on their flagship, they fired at you from their cannons, tearing Ryūsei-gō to pieces. And our command... Orga and Eugene left you, sacrificed you to flee the battlefield. They conveniently assumed you'd died, and instead of searching for you, they took off in Isaribi. I know you, so I can imagine you say they did the right thing. That if they managed to save themselves and the rest of Tekkadan, they made a right choice. But for me it was a betrayal, Shino, it really was, and I can't forgive them. So when they were running away, I took a shuttle and left Isaribi to find you. I abandoned our friends for a chance to save you. And I did it. I found you and got you help. I took you to Gjallarhorn ship, yes, the ship of our enemies, because they were the only ones to save you. It is your enemy that saved you after you were abandoned by your friends. Ironic, isn't it? But I would do it again, and again, and again...!"
He pulled his hand from Shino's grip, pressing his lips tight. His throat clenched again, and his chest ached again – even more, even worse. He had just destroyed all chance for happiness.
"I know Tekkadan was everything to you, but I betrayed Tekkadan just like they betrayed you," he uttered and then, unable to stop himself, added in w whisper, "I didn't tell you that cause I didn't want you to hate me."
He was trembling all over; his ears were thumping as if the world was collapsing around him. He hunched, pulling his head in his shoulders. If he were stronger, he would jump to his feet and run away, and now he only let the time pass, ending the life he'd at least had surrogate of happiness. And what egoist he was that, in a moment that Shino needed his support, he spew the truth that could only hurt...!
A big hand fell on his head, and then Shino's forehead touched his. "Yamagi, you're the most frightening person in the whole universe," he heard calm and so familiar words. "I've always known it, but it takes me by surprise every time." There was smile ringing in his voice. "Yamagi, that's not enough to hate you. Besides... I don't believe we're the only survivors. Before the week is out, we're going to see Eugene, mark my words. He always gets out of any trouble. And makes sure others get with him. That dope is the luckiest guy in the galaxy..." He paused, and it seemed he was thinking of something. "No, I think I am," he said with contentment.
Yamagi felt his eyes stung. He clenched his teeth and only swallowed for a moment. Pain in his chest eased, dissolved in warmth. He hadn't deserved it.
"Yhm," he muttered in the end, nodding; it was the only answer he could give.
Shino laughed softly, then yawned... as if Yamagi's outburst, instead of unnerving him, helped him to calm down. He returned to his half of the bed and fell down on the pillows. "I'm going to sleep," he informed. "And tomorrow... Tomorrow will be a good day. Or is it today already?"
The next minute, he was breathing deeply, regularly, not caring a bit that he'd left Yamagi all alone in an emotional chaos.
"Yhm," Yamagi agreed, curling up on his half of bed and trying to put himself back together.
'I love you,' he said in his thoughts, feeling warmth migrating from his chest to every part of his body. Not even a memory was left of the pain.
Yamagi waked up early in the morning. He couldn't sleep, so he moved onto the sofa and looked to net to search any info on Tekkadan again. He felt terrible and was slowly getting fed up with it. It was so unlike him, unlike that collected Yamagi Gilmerton, who always had things under control, and now...? Too much thoughts, too much emotions, too much sensations, too much...
He looked up at Shino sprawled in bed: arms and legs spread, bare chest... He gulped and focused on the news, but soon looked over the display again.
Had Shino really forgiven him leaving Tekkadan? Had he really accepted the business with Gjallarhorn? Or could it be he'd only pretend, having no wish to make a scene in the middle of the night? Would he show his true feelings today and declare it was over for the two of them? Yamagi could imagine that, only...
Only it was Shino, who – unflattering as it was – wasn't complex enough to deceive others. Whatever he said, he really meant it. There was no deceit in him. He didn't make sneaky plans, he didn't pretend to be a nice guy to attack all of the sudden. Yamagi shouldn't attribute his worst traits to him, and only because he felt guilty himself.
For his part, he'd rather not think of the things they'd spoken of last night, and he knew he was a coward. Actually, he wished he could turn back the time and never confess what he'd confessed, but such wishes were utterly pointless. Why couldn't he accept Shino's declaration about not hating him? About being happy with Yamagi's being there? About that they should stick together? Because he was digging for hidden layers. Because he added 'but' to those declarations, along with many conditions to prove – whom? himself? – that there was nothing more behind them and that Shino would say the very same things to anyone, really anyone in Tekkadan.
Tekkadan... He was supposed to search for information about Tekkadan. He forced himself to tear his eyes off Shino – who had just rolled over and was muttering something in his sleep, let him sleep as long as possible – and started to browse the news from Mars.
The next minute, he jumped on the bed and waked Shino, shaking him by the shoulder. "Look! Look at this!" he called, sticking the terminal under his nose.
Shino blinked for a moment, trying to focus his sight after such a sudden wake-up. When he finally succeeded, he looked at Yamagi and burst out laughing, tossing his hear backwards. He laughed so hard that the whole bed shook. Yamagi felt like following the suit; he couldn't quite remember the last time he laughed.
It took a longer while until Shino finally contained himself. "I told you it won't be a week, and we'd see that dope's mug again. But I must admit I underestimated him, and I'm mad about it." Despite those words, his contentment was obvious, as he laughed again.
One again, Yamagi looked at the photograph added to the press release. It showed Kūdelia Aina Bernstein and, behind her back, no-one else than Eugene Sevenstark, a deputy leader of Tekkadan: in a suit and shades, wearing a serious expression. No-one would connect that important-looking guy with ragged (in general opinion) hooligans from Tekkadan. And if Eugene was safe and sound, it was a given that other guys were too. Eugene could be a lot of things, but not someone to save himself at the expense of others.
It was the best news in last two weeks.
"I told you today would be a good day," Shino said as if he could read Yamagi's mind, smiling widely and looking at him with a spark in his eyes. "We must let them know we'll fine, and ask about their end. You can do it, right?"
Yamagi nodded, sitting at the edge of the bed. Shino moved closer, staring at the display.
"We can send the message to Miss Kūdelia's office," Yamagi answered, already searching for contact information of the Admoss Company. "I think it's the best option, seeing how Eugene is with her. But we don't know if they'll read it. They may be too busy. Or someone will think it's a spam and delete it..."
"Why do you assume the worst?"
"The worst would be if Gjallarhorn intercepted it," Yamagi pointed out, quite needlessly. "I found the channel. What should I write? Of course, the message must be coded," he added, suddenly remembering Captain Mettel and his painstaking actions aimed at hiding the identity of the two refugees from Tekkadan and making finding the two of them a most difficult task for anyone who could try it.
Shino thought hard about the content and then beamed triumphantly. "Write: 'To the biggest dope on Mars. Greeting from the ace of four generations of Ryūsei-gō and the best mechanic in the universe. How are you?'"
Yamagi looked at him with a frown, wondering if it was serious. Shino and his ideas...
"What? You said it had to be coded, yourself." Shino noticed his expression. "So it is. We must make it so no-one knew who it concerns, except for those who know, right?"
Yamagi sighed. What else could he expect? Not that the idea was that bad. He thought for a moment and then input: 'To Miss Kūdelia. Greetings for the security hotshot from Ryūsei-gō ace and his mechanic. Everything is fine here. We'll be waiting for the news from family.'
"What did you write?" Shino inquired.
"Pretty much the same, only more reasonable," Yamagi replied. "And more polite. But I've no idea how they could contact us in a safe manner. Unless..." He fell silent, thinking intensively and searching the web. "We need some contact, some number... Yeah, this should work. 'We guarantee full anonymity... We don't collect any technical or location data... Price...' Well, if they take money, I think we can trust them," he muttered more to himself and then inserted the payment card in the device.
The message was sent in two minutes. "Let's hope we'll get a reply," he said, turning the terminal off.
A big hand fell on his head and tousled his hair. "You can do anything, right?" Shino stated, impressed.
"Of course I can't! Don't make fun of me," Yamagi said, embarrassed, although his heart sped up. He never got enough of Shino's compliments...
Shino laughed and didn't pursue the subject. "All right, it's breakfast time. I got awfully hungry."
The started to eat. Yamagi returned on the sofa and withdrew into himself. The magic moment was gone, and now he couldn't imagine he could touch Shino just like that, or even sit so close to him. Apparently, he could do it only on impulse, when he turned off the thinking...
But it was still better than the last night, when he'd behaved beyond criticism. The sight of Eugene on a photograph dated only yesterday seemed to have dispelled all clouds that had gathered in his head; it'd brought situation to normal. It helped believe that everything would really be fine. Yamagi hadn't expected he would feel so relieved.
Of course, that relief lasted only a moment.
"Hey, Yamagi..." Shino asked in a thoughtful voice as they ate. Ryūsei-gō IV was destroyed, right?"
Yamagi suddenly felt cold, like always upon the memory of the battle with Arianrhod on Earth orbit. No, he had to finally learn to control it; he couldn't let that single event dominate his mind, just like it'd happened in last days...
"Yamagi...?"
He put the half-empty tray on the table and nodded, swallowing to ease the feeling of his throat clenching.
"Then, how come I'm still alive?"
Yamagi wondered how anyone could speak so calmly of the battle they'd nearly died in. True, Shino didn't remember anything – and it was Shino, who laughed death in the face – but it was still beyond apprehension for him. Himself, he hadn't even fought, and yet the single memory made him suffocate.
Why was Shino asking about it? He hadn't resumed that topic. Sure, they'd had more on their minds, but...
It was no use thinking of it. Shino had asked and had right to know. Of course he wanted to know what had happened to him. Yamagi gulped once more and tried to focus on the question, although it was hard to drive away the sight of what had been left of Shino's last mobile suit: pieces of painted red metal floating in the vacuum of space, melted trunk and intact main hatch.
"I think that, at the last moment, you... catapulted."
Shino widened his eyes; he was clearly astonished. "Catapulted? Me? No way. It's unlike me," he said, displeased. Then he emptied his tray in a few quick moves to put it on the table. "I'd rather fight until the end. Ultimately, I'd charge on the enemy to die in glory, taking with me as many of them as possible. And then everything would blow up."
Yamagi hunched on his spot. His chest ached, and his fingers clenched on the fabric of his shirt. 'You promised to come back. Did you really lied deliberately to me, Shino?' he thought automatically. It hurt like hell.
"I mean... That's not what I meant!" Shino must have noticed the effect his words had. "I mean... Well, I still think it, but... I'm just surprised! It's not that I wish I had died! Yamagi, hey! Damn it! I'm sorry...!"
Yamagi took a deep breath and raised his head. "I tell you what I think as you-... As a mechanic. When I found you, you were drifting on the main hatch, that seemed like it'd been ejected before the lasers reached it. It was intact. I can't see another explanation." He looked at Shino. "Sorry to disappoint you," he added cuttingly; Shino deserved it.
Shino seemed properly apologetic. "Come on, I already said I'm sorry! If it's your opinion as a mechanic, who am I to question it?" he said in a flattering manner. "You're the best mechanic in the universe."
"Don't make fun of me."
"You're the best mechanic in the universe," Shino repeated with confidence. "And I hope that you will tend to all my machines from now on, too... That is, if I'm going to pilot..."
"You say it only because there's no-one else. Because Tekkadan is–"
Yamagi paused and lowered his head. Why was he saying such things? Why couldn't he accept Shino's words for what their were, only kept denying them? It was cruel and hurtful on his part... Did he really want to learn how far could he go before Shino started to hate him...?
What had happened to him? How could he go back to being that Yamagi who simply had been glad with Shino's smile and who had thought the good day to be the one he could just talk with Shino for a moment?
But had such Yamagi ever existed? Wasn't he just a figment of his imagination... a false memory? Suddenly, he didn't know.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, keeping his head low.
He felt miserable. Was it still possible to restore their relationship, full of mutual respect and affection? Would all those unneeded barriers between them disappear? How could he say, 'I love you,' if every other word he said had so much aggression to it...?
It came as a shock when he realised that even if, by some miracle, Shino would tell he loved him, Yamagi probably wouldn't believe him. Nothing like that would happen, but the very assumption made him understand how twisted he was. And Shino would still say he liked him...? Yamagi felt exhausted.
Was there still any chance to fix everything? He had no idea. Maybe if they were frank with each other.
"Shino... You don't mind that I saved you?" he asked softly.
"You're probably the only one who could even think of that," Shino replied at once, clearly displeased. "There's nothing better than to be alive. Who would like to be dead, if we're all going to die one day? I plan to live as long as possible." Then, he slapped himself on the forehead. "And I still haven't even thank you. I'm such an idiot. Hey, Yamagi, look at me."
Yamagi raised his face. Shino was looking at him with a solemn expression, unaware of his all quandaries. It was unfair that one of them didn't have a single worry, and the other worried about pretty much everything, he thought with resentment and then rebuked himself for being egoistic. He was hopeless...
Stop! Really, that was enough, Yamagi Gilmerton!
'Let someone twist off my head,' he thought beggingly and then shook the said head to focus on the conversation. He once more looked at Tekkadan's ace, who was staring at him with inspiration.
"Thank you for saving my life," Shino said in a serious voice, then put his hands on his knees and bowed in a very formal manner. Then he tilted his head and smiled with that warmth of his that Yamagi loved so much, in addition to everything else. "Let me take you to the place with a lot of nice... No, no, bad idea," he checked himself even before Yamagi managed to decline. "Then, let it be just the two of us drinking until morning, what do you think?"
Yamagi's fingers curled on the fabric of his clothes, and he gulped. The moment of concentration and relief was gone, and he was back to a bundle of nerves. What should he say? And why now...? Why was Shino saying the same things as before even though he couldn't remember it? What could it mean? Would they now...
He noticed Shino stopped smiling; he knitted his brows and appeared to be thinking of something. "We're already had this conversation...?" he half-stated, half-asked, and then pressed one hand to his forehead. "I don't remember... Yamagi?"
Yamagi stared at him in silence. His heart was racing, and his throat was dry. He wasn't able to reply... couldn't speak of that conversation. It was one of the most precious moments of his life, he couldn't...
But was he really that stupid? Would he rather keep it a secret and deny himself to experience something more? Did he plan on cherishing the beautiful dream instead of seizing the opportunity and realise it?
He didn't even make a decision as Shino must have decided his own amnesia wasn't that important; that light-heartedness of his was really enviable. When Yamagi focused his eyes on him again, Shino was already smiling like before.
"Let's go and drink, Yamagi," he said, patted himself on his tights and got up.
"Now? We've just had breakfast... It's morning!" was the only thing Yamagi could utter, although, automatically, he followed suit and rose himself.
"True, we were to drink all night..." Shino seemed troubled but soon lit up again. "We may start at home and go to a bar in the evening."
"Shino... I think you're overestimating me," Yamagi muttered. "You really think I can drink all day and all night?"
"Don't worry, I'll teach you."
"I don't think it works that way..."
Shino stared at him, amused. He didn't seem offended by Yamagi's seeming lack of enthusiasm. "Then, what's your suggestion?"
Yamagi felt he was getting hot. He lowered his head. "We may..." He gulped and licked his lips. "We may go to the grocery store; we've run out of food already. And then we... we may look around for some bar," he offered softly.
"It's a good plan," Shino praised him. "I have enough of staying at home all the time, and we were going to sightsee the Moon. Okay, time to dress up... Where are the clothes...?" He looked around and then went into the hallway where Yamagi had left the luggage from Gjallarhorn. Soon, a noise of searching through the bags came from them, along with merry humming.
Yamagi was standing in the room, eyes closed. His heart wouldn't slow down; it seemed to accelerate, as if it tried to break out of his chest. He clenched his fists, which didn't help a bit; he was terribly tense all over. He felt hot, and his head was spinning. He couldn't gather thoughts, but he had to, because soon...
He shouldn't imagine anything, he decided. Sure, he was happy that Shino... That they would go somewhere, spend time outside, together... But it wasn't any date, nothing of that kind. Shino just had invited him for a drink, because it was how he liked to spend time and found it natural… just like he had almost two weeks ago, with nothing really behind it, no matter what Yamagi imagined.
He didn't notice that the humming stopped.
"Hey, Yamagi... What's this?"
He turned around. Shino was standing in the doorway with some pieces of clothes in his left hand; in his right one, he was holding the model ship Yamagi had long since forgotten about, having examined it just once and put it aside, busy with other things.
"It's a Skipjack-class ship model. It's a gift... Not that I would be happy with a Gjallarhorn toy," he muttered. "There's that button in the aft section. Push it and see what it does."
Shino, however, was still scrutinising the model. It seemed he didn't even hear Yamagi, engrossed as he was. Like in a dream, he came closer and sat down on the bed, never taking his eyes off the toy, and then his gaze blurred for a longer while.
Yamagi started to worry. "Shino...?"
"I've already seen it," Shino replied in a quiet, pensive voice; the look in his eyes was sharp again, but it seemed he saw quite another scenery.
"Of course you've seen it," Yamagi replied. "It's the flagship of Arianrhod, that..." He stopped; he felt like biting off his tongue.
"I was taking aim at it," Shino said slowly; he still didn't appear to realise that Yamagi was there. "I was standing on the sinking Hotarubi and aiming my Super Galaxy Cannon at their bridge, to get their command with one shot. But I missed cos someone hit me and changed the trajectory of the bullet... Damn...!"
He paused for a moment, and Yamagi felt his heart freeze.
"It was one-in-a-million shot, but I wasted it," Shino went on. "I'd never been so mad in my life before. I had no more bullets, I could only charge at them... wanted to crush them all, take with me..."
Yamagi hunched. He knew he would hear now what Shino really thought: that he regretted he was alive after the biggest mistake he'd ever made...
"And then I remembered what I'd promised you. In the last moment, in the last second, I remembered I'd promised you to come back. To survive."
That he regretted he couldn't die like a warrior...
What?
Yamagi looked up at him, astonished. Shino had already put the model aside and was now looking only at him, and his eyes were filled with warmth... with honest affection... He laughed softly when their eyes met.
"I simply charged at them with no weapon, so stupid... So like me. They would tear me to pieces, I wouldn't even last a minute. I remember that firing; even Gundam Frame wouldn't last it. And then, just before the end, I thought, 'Yamagi won't forgive me if I don't come back, and I promised him we would drink together.' And that moment Alaya-Vijnana cut me off. It was as if Ryūsei-gō knew what I was thinking and pushed me out." He laughed again, louder. "He no longer wanted to carry such a git who, in the end, takes a step back and thinks of his own survival. He considered me unworthy to die with him, so he got upset with me, unplugged me and kicked me out." Still laughing, he hit the bed with one hand. "That bastard..."
Then, however, he contained himself and looked at Yamagi again. "So it's all because of you, Yamagi. You saved me twice. I really don't know what to do to repay you...?" And even though it seemed impossible, his eyes shone with ever more warmth than before. How could one person look at another with such affection? How could one have such feelings for him, Yamagi Gilmerton?
But Shino, of all people, was capable of it. And if Yamagi hadn't fallen in love with him four years ago already, it would have undoubtedly happened today.
'You saved me twice,' was ringing in the ear. He hadn't expected that, but Shino really thought that...!
Yamagi suddenly stopped seeing clearly, and his throat clenched. He turned away and hid his face in his hands. He tried to contain himself... control his emotions, but there were too many, like immense joy, senseless happiness, deep love, and desperate hope, but also ever present tricky doubt, overpowering guilt, treacherous fear, and achingly familiar resignation. He didn't know what to choose and realised he was stupid to ever try.
"Yamagi...?"
He shook his head, then wiped his tears and lowered his hands, trying not to clench them into fists, although he felt terribly tense. He took a deep breath. He didn't dare to raise his head, but at least he could see clearly again.
"It's enough that we have a drink together," he whispered and really thought so. He couldn't say, 'Return my feelings and stay with me for the rest of your life'; he had to be a realist.
"Just that?" Shino asked, but instead of surprise there was unexpected taunt in his voice, as if he didn't believe him one bit, whatever the reason.
Yamagi glanced at him from behind his hair. "For now," he added in a slightly stronger voice, trying to smother his hope, which proved difficult as it seemed to have a life on its own and wouldn't obey him.
His heart sped up when Shino beamed like a sun. "For now," he repeated with confidence.
For Yamagi, he seemed perfectly satisfied.