Plan 'let's go for a drink' proved to be extremely hard to realise.
The first obstacle came up as soon as when they went to the store to buy food for the next days, as the supplies had run out indeed. Two streets away, they found a nice supermarket and did decent shopping, although at least half of the products on the shelves was completely new to Yamagi. They spent a lot of time there, wondering about multitude of articles and making difficult choices.
When it came to payment Shino cursed nastily.
"What's wrong?" Yamagi asked, alarmed, taking his eyes off the prices and names being displayed by the automated counter that scanned and packed the shopping.
Shino ruffled his hair, clearly frustrated by something. He wouldn't look at Yamagi, and when he finally did he seemed quite embarrassed. "How can I invite you anywhere if I've no money?"
Yamagi stared at him in silence for a longer while. Then he removed the payment card from the counter and slipped it under Shino's nose.
Shino, squinting, looked at the card and then shook his head. "But it's your money."
"Ours," Yamagi corrected, ignoring the funny feelings in his chest. "It's a, quotation, compensation for keeping us on Gjallarhorn ship for entire week without legal basis."
Shino was staring at the card with obvious reluctance, though it was uncertain what or who it was directed at. "I'd rather go to the port and work one day," he said.
"Don't be silly. You've just recovered from the head injury. I'm not letting you go anywhere," Yamagi stated point-blank and only then realised it. He averted his eyes. "I mean... We're now criminals, so no-one would employ us. There's no point in risking..."
Shino snorted quietly, but when he spoke, there was kindness in his voice, "If you say so, I must listen to you."
Yamagi glanced at him, once again asking himself if it was just him, or was there some subtext to Shino's statements... No, it had to be his imagination; after all, he'd fantasised about Shino returning his feeling for so long, knowing it was utterly impossible.
Finally, Shino took the card from his hand. "I'll pay it off," he declared.
"If you really must pay it off, it should be Gjallarhorn, not me," Yamagi muttered in resignation.
Shino bristled. "I'm not going to give anything to them."
After shopping – Shino took the bags without asking – they went to walk around, in search for 'a nice pub', which turned into many hours' stroll around the city they didn't know. Aside from the real sky above, the lunar capital looked pretty much like the colonies. It had residential, industrial and office districts, as well as entertainment areas. There were schools, cultural institutions and parks. There was even a public transport, both in the city and outside it, connecting the sparse lunar municipalities.
Life here seemed pretty much like everywhere else: people worked, had families, rested. Every now and then, Gjallarhorn soldiers could be seen – most likely from the Arianrhod fleet, that had its base on the other side of the Moon – on leave, judging from their behaviour. There were no patrols nor military actions. There was no sense of danger or tension, just a normal peace of a normal city. No-one was interested in Yamagi and Shino.
Before they left, Yamagi had once more checked the information channels to make sure they could safely go among people. The Tekkadan affair had already calmed down; there was no news about looking for survivors, no wanted notices for Yamagi and Shino. That episode seemed to be closed. Apparently, Rustal Elion had really believed that the organisation had been destroyed, and had occupied himself with different matters, that was restoring the order on his own side.
"Shino... Do you think we were the bad ones?" Yamagi asked in a quiet voice as they were having a lunch in a small restaurant. "I mean, Tekkadan."
Shino gave him an astonished look; he probably hadn't expected to hear such a question. He put the fork down. "I'm too stupid for such things," he replied in a shocking honesty, "so I prefer not to think of them. What do you think?"
Yamagi shrugged. "I don't know. We didn't mean to do anything wrong, right? It just... happened," he said awkwardly. "But it doesn't make us any less guilty, and it's true that in the end we got in the war with the peace-keeping organisation."
"You know... We did what we'd committed ourselves to do. Orga decided, and we followed him. He's our leader, but it's not that we followed him blindly. He thought only of Tekkadan well-being, always," Shino replied and then resumed eating. "Why did it start to bother you, all of the sudden?"
Yamagi hunched in his chair. "Because the more I think about it, the more I feel Gjallarhorn isn't bad," he lowered his voice, "no matter what McGillis Fareed claimed. It's true that they abused power, but they mostly care about keeping peace. Just look, people here live normally, like on Earth..."
"What about Mars and the colonies?" Shino asked.
Yamagi twitched; he felt scolded. Shino was right. Not everywhere things were as good as here. He remembered the exploit of Mars and working-class protests in Dort 3; he could see by himself they'd been bloodily suppressed by the army... No, he shouldn't be so naïve – only because he'd happened to meet some civilised members of Gjallarhorn.
But it was why Shino was still alive, and so Yamagi couldn't make himself to unambiguously despise the organisation.
"You know what? I don't think one side was good and the other was bad," Shino went on, and there was no criticism to his words. "We only wanted to do our job and believed it was good, right? And they... probably the same. That's how life is and how people are." He shrugged. "If you ask me, I think that the most important is to have some ideals and ambitions and live by them."
Yamagi looked at him again. "You don't hate Gjallarhorn?"
"Not really. And you?"
Yamagi shook his head. "They saved your life and ensured our safety. Without them, we wouldn't be here," he answered without hesitation and then lowered is voice. "The man who took care of us... head of security on the flagship of the Fourth Fleet, Captain Mettel... I think he is someone... don't laugh at me... He's someone I couldn't not respect."
Shino stared at him in astonishment and then, unexpectedly, smiled. "You see yourself," he said just like that and drank from the glass. Then his eyes got wide, as if he remembered something. "By the way, you still haven't told me about your adventures in Gjallarhorn...! I bet many interesting things happened while I was out cold for a week. Actually, I still can't believe that..."
It was late afternoon when they returned to the flat. Yamagi checked at once if they had the reply from Eugene, but there was none. He worried that the message hadn't reached the deputy leader of Tekkadan, but he couldn't really do anything about it. He could only hope that they would be able to get in touch, sooner or later.
"It's getting dark," Shino, who'd been looking out of window for some time, said. He turned around and smile. "It's time to have some fun."
Yamagi's heart, that had been behaving for many hours, now sped up. Until now, he'd done his best not to think that he'd spent the whole day with Shino – a free day – and only focus on present, but now it was back.
Have some fun? With Shino – just the two of them? Again, his mind offered him two-track vision of what could happen and what would not. But, he decided, it was Shino who'd suggested that. 'And you took his offer, Yamagi Gilmerton, so just do it,' he told himself, coming to a conclusion that maybe getting drunk wasn't such a bad option: he would finally turn off thinking.
"You're not tired? We've been walking the whole day, and you've just got out of bed...?" he asked to make sure.
"Don't treat me like a runt. I have more strength than needed for drinking," Shino replied and flexed his biceps.
'Right, it is me who's a runt,' Yamagi thought. 'And even drinking scares me...'
He nodded, and they went out. The skies over their head had got darker indeed, and the city was now lit with street lamps and neon signs. They headed for the entertainment district, that now seemed different than during the day. It was loud and cheerful, colourful and crowded. There were businessmen after work and soldiers on leave, couples of every age and women in a flashy make-up who gave seductive looks and much less subtle offers to the passing people.
Yamagi clenched his fists. "I won't forgive you if you stare at girls tonight," he said in a low tone... and, upon realising it, wished the ground would swallow him up.
Shino, however, leaned towards him and replied with a similar voice, "Tonight, I'm here only for you," and Yamagi didn't know if it wasn't even worse, especially when a shiver ran down his spine.
Soon it became clear that higher powers had really decided to ruin their date, as Yamagi would think of it later. Every shop that served alcohol would require the proof of age from the customers that didn't look like adults. Shino would be able to enter every bar, but there was no chance that anyone would let Yamagi in. They tried in several places, until Shino started to consider bribe or violence as a solution. But it was pointless to make a scene and getting into trouble – especially in their situation – so Yamagi grabbed him by the sleeve and drove him into the quieter area.
He didn't actually feel disappointed, as it was spending time with Shino, not drinking that he cared about, but Shino was enraged and cursed the way of things on the Moon for a longer while.
"You can't help it that they abide by the law. They have enough customers, so no-one would risk the trouble," Yamagi tried to calm him.
Shino kept muttering under his breath, but then – as he wasn't someone to stay mad for a long time – he cheered up. "But no-one can stop us from drinking at home," he decided, clearly satisfied with his brilliance. "Though I'm sorry we couldn't go out, Yamagi," he added, and it seemed he really thought so. "It was supposed to be a special evening."
"Don't worry about that. I don't really care about the place," Yamagi replied truthfully and then added more quietly, "If you can wait, we can go out together in two years..."
Shino smiled and said no more. They made for home. Yamagi thought this option was better; he didn't like the crowds... Moreover, at home there was no chance that Shino got busy with some girl, regardless of all his promise.
On their way, they looked around for a proper store, which meant such that no-one would ask their age. Supermarket was out of question, because the counter required the identity card from people buying alcohol, but on the border of residential and industry districts they found an inconspicuous shop that Shino – Yamagi wisely stayed outside and tried to not attract attention with his underage looks – left with a wide smile and heavy bags in both hands.
"It would take ma a year to drink all that," Yamagi muttered once they were back and Shino was placing the bottles on the table and reading the names on the etiquettes.
"Beer, wine, whisky... I don't know what it is, but we have to try it. This has a nice name, 'Eliza'. And this has a funny colour, I wonder how it tastes... Oh, something is floating in this one...!" he called enthusiastically.
Yamagi sighed. "You're going to drink something you don't know?" he asked with resignation, deciding to stick to beer.
"Well, they wouldn't sell any poisons," Shino pointed out.
"Maybe they've already prepared for the alien customers? You may as well drink liquid hydrogen or something similar..."
"Is it some strong booze?"
Yamagi sighed again, but in fact he had fun. "I'll have a beer," he asked, sitting on the sofa and turning on the terminal to check if Eugene had replied.
Shino opened one bottle and offered him, but Yamagi didn't notice it; he could only see the letters in the short message. 'We were left without Sun and Moon. The oldest A. took the two and left forever. I'm with the rest. We can't receive you this year.'
"Yamagi...?"
"Orga and Mikazuki are dead," Yamagi said in a dull voice. "Akihiro too, and two others, I don't know who. The rest is safe with Eugene. He asks that we don't contact them until the next year."
Shino sat down on the bed, two bottles in his hands. He was having a look of disbelief on his face. "Orga...? And Mikazuki?" he asked in a hollow voice. "And Akihiro..."
Yamagi nodded. He had no doubt he'd understood the message correctly, no matter how he wished he hadn't. Sun and Moon meant Orga and Mikazuki, a leader and his counterpart. The eldest A., the oldest of the Altland brothers, indicated Akihiro... And two others. Who? Ride? Dante? Old Man?
He felt all joy he'd had this day evaporate. Eugene's face this morning had somehow obscured the image of destroyed Barbatos from yesterday... had made him forget that Mikazuki must have... Now it was not only Mikazuki, but also Orga, Akihiro...
He hadn't expected that the news would shake him so much. It could be that some part of him had still believed everyone would be fine... Also, he'd thought that, running away, he'd severed his ties with Tekkadan. Now he felt achingly that nothing like that had happened; he felt that he'd only betrayed his family that was still out there.
And was getting smaller. He'd lost five brothers, guys he'd spent many years with, sharing home, food and work with... fighting against the same enemy. They weren't some random people that nothing connected him with, only real persons whose presence had become so natural he hadn't even noticed it, imagining himself to be alone and staring only at Shino, the centre of his universe.
He hadn't been there when they'd died. He'd left instead of staying with them and fight... He'd been driven by his wish to save Shino, he'd even resented them at some point... but despite it he was feeling bad now...
"They must've been distracting the enemy when Eugene was leading the rest out," Shino's voice broke through the veil of sorrow covering Yamagi. In the next moment, the Tekkadan ace raised the bottle and said, "Honour to their memory. They fought until the end. I wish I–..." He stopped and shook his head. "No, it was their fight. They fought until the end," he repeated. "Glory to our heroes." Then he gulped half a bottle.
Yamagi still stared at him, trying to comprehend his words. Didn't Shino feel sad? Could he bid farewell to his companions just like that, let go of the past and only look ahead?
No, how could he even think that? – he scolded himself at once. It was Shino, so losing friend must have been much more painful to him than Yamagi, but as a warrior to the bone, he knew that there were things larger than life. He could pay his respect to his companions, accept their death and carry it along to always remember it, and not as their defeat, only victory.
They'd fought until the end...
"We weren't with them," he said in a quiet voice.
Shino nodded and breathed deeply. "We weren't. I was recovering, and you were by my side. We could do nothing to help them," he replied and emptied his bottle.
There was no way they could celebrate now. They sat and drank in silence, and Yamagi was certain that Shino too was reminiscing life in Tekkadan, once the Third Group of CGS, especially the moments with Orga, Mikazuki and Akihiro, whom they would never meet again...
Despite hopes, he was getting even more depressed, until it felt like he would never be able to get rid of this sadness. He didn't even care when tears started to roll down his face.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Shino called out upon seeing it. "We weren't supposed to be sad drinking, Yamagi!"
Yamagi, however, couldn't stop crying and only kept wiping the new tears. It was all the same to him.
"Okay, time to get some fresh air. We're going out," Shino decided and rose, then grabbed his hand and pulled him up.
Yamagi felt dizzy upon standing up, but Shino held him tight. They went outside – Yamagi would stumble, so Shino took him by the arm – and headed for a square between the blocks to sit down on the bench. Well, Yamagi was half-lying on Shino and staring up... at first, pretty mindlessly: it was where his eyes were turned to. It took him a moment to take in the situation and focus on what he was seeing. The square was surrounded by the trees and dark enough so that one could see the skies spreading over their head. It was lunar night, when the sun stayed on the other side two weeks, so the covers didn't work.
Yamagi felt he was getting better. He'd stopped crying some time ago and come to his senses, but he still felt a bit detached from reality, and it wasn't really unpleasant. He didn't have to think of anything; he could just be. Dizziness had receded, and he could see clearly. He focused his eyes on the space above – the infinite blackness speckled by countless lights – and for the first time in a long time hadn't had a feeling of being observed by evil eyes of the universe. Tonight, the indifference of the stars was gentle, not cruel, and it made him feel like a part of cosmos, not an alien element that should be destroyed. Maybe space was merciless only to those who challenged it... And to those who stayed on the safe surface it would show itself from the best side... would entrance with a spectacle of the multicoloured suns forming the galaxies and the nebulas of stardust...?
"So beautiful..." he whispered; he hadn't felt such a calm in a long time.
"Can you see Mars from here?" Shino asked.
Yamagi turned his head and pointed a red planet hovering just over the line of the trees surrounding the square. Then he looked to the other side, where Earth always was: a beautiful blue sphere with its oceans and forests, a birthplace of humanity. He stared at it for a longer, and then his eyes moved back to Mars: a desert planet where the soil had colours of rust and was just barely more fertile than it. But it was his homeworld where he'd been born, grown up and fallen in love...
He flushed. He realised he was almost lying on Shino and Shino had his one arm wrapped around him. He tried to get up, but then Shino said, "Are we going back there one day?" and it wasn't a question only an offer.
"I want to go back," he replied with confidence.
"Good."
They were in no hurry, so they stayed like that, looking at the stars, until Yamagi felt his mood had stabilised. He still felt sadness and regret, but not so much that he should cry. He'd regained control of himself and basic security. This situation reminded him of their night talks... holding hands when either of them needed support, haunted by nightmares.
"I'm fine now," he said. "Sorry for that."
"Silly," Shino replied with affection. "I told you, you can cry on my shoulder. You always act tough, even when–"
"Even when I'm weak?"
Shino's fingers dug into his arm lightly, as if with reprimand. "No. I've never thought you were weak. No, you always act tough even when you could share the burden with someone. With me."
Yamagi remained silent.
"You really can tell me everything."
Yamagi knew he couldn't, but those words warmed him anyway. He smiled. Shino consider himself his friend, and it was very precious to him, maybe the most precious thing ever.
They stay outside a bit longer before going back inside.
"Second round," Shino decided, opening another bottle. "Now we're happy drinking."
Yamagi had no idea if it was possible, but Shino apparently made it a point of honour to maintain a good mood and spent the next hour telling the anecdotes from Tekkadan life, even those Yamagi hadn't known until now.
He let himself get drawn into telling the stories – the more he drank, the more talkative he became – and even commented in his ironic and pointed way the craziest or most idiotic feats, until the two of them would laugh their heads off.
Only when Shino came to going out with Eugene and others to have fun with girls, Yamagi objected. "I don't want to listen about girls," he declared and even covered his ears with his hands in a dramatic gesture.
"You don't like girls?" Shino asked.
"No," Yamagi replied flatly without thinking. "I mean... Not that I... Girls from the Turbines are okay... I liked to work with them..."
The look Shino was giving him was so sharp that Yamagi had to avert his eyes and tried to frantically change the topic to a safer one, like affairs of the maintenance team. Fortunately, Shino didn't insist that they talked about the girls – nor had he, which would be even worse, asked directly if Yamagi liked the guys – so soon they had fun again.
And even though Yamagi felt his tongue was already slipping, there came a good moment to ask, "When you said how you'd remembered our talk... what you'd promised me... And that was... why you left Ryūsei-gō... You thought it up, right?" – as it'd been bugging him since morning, and now he was drunk enough to not bother how impolite it sounded...
Shino, however, looked at him with offence. "It's perfectly true!" he called.
Yamagi waved his hand in a dismissing way. "Sounds unbelievable... In such situations, people tend to imagine things. I heard that life flashes before you eyes... and so on."
"You must believe me!" Shino swore. "I wouldn't joke of you this way, Yamagi... Ugh, now I'm mad!" he declared and opened the next bottle to take a big sip of it.
"Fine, if you really want it, I'll believe you..." Yamagi muttered and drank, too. "Satisfied?"
"Why won't you believe me?"
"But I said I do."
"You didn't convince me."
"I just... You wanted to come back to me? It makes no sense..."
"But I promised you. You remember what you told me? That you wouldn't forgive me if I didn't come back. And now you don't believe me? Not very nice of you..." Shino seemed seriously hurt.
Yamagi thought he may have gone too far in his scepticism. He wanted to patch it up, but then he felt sick – no wonder, he'd never drunk such an amount of alcohol in his life – and he had to go to the bathroom. Fortunately, drinking some water helped, but he was so dizzy that he almost tripped over the threshold. Shino caught him and picked him up... which didn't help dizziness; he got even more hot.
"Come on... Put me down," he muttered, although he didn't really mind.
"I don't want you to hurt yourself," Shino said but listened to him and put him on the sofa.
"I'm fine, thanks..."
Shino leaned against the table and looked at him with concern. He seemed to be ready to offer his help if Yamagi needed it. Yamagi averted his eyes. He was hot, his head was spinning, and his ears were humming, and he couldn't see clearly. He wanted to lie down. He tilted a bit, and Shino was already grabbing his arm to not let him fall down.
Maybe he was feeling guilty for getting him so drunk...? But Yamagi had agreed to that; Shino must have known it wasn't his fault... But Shino was someone to care about people he liked, and he'd always cared about Yamagi... treated him like a younger brother who needed attention...
"Why are you so good to me?" he asked and immediately regretted it. He feared Shino would answer, 'Because we're family.'
Shino, however, answered with another question, taking back his hand, "You don't like it?"
"Of course I do," Yamagi replied at once. "After all, I–..." He stopped, giving him a tormented look. His thoughts were getting tangled, and he found it even more difficult to control his tongue. "I want it most in the world, Shino," he whispered.
"You care so much about me?"
Yamagi nodded, which made the world spin again. What a stupid question... Even Shino should understand as much... should have realised it long ago, even if he hadn't guessed the exact nature of that attachment.
"Why?"
"Cause I–..." He averted his eyes. He grabbed the nearest bottle and drank from it, although he knew he shouldn't do it. His head was thumping, and he wished he could turn it off. It was probably time to sleep.
"Yamagi...?"
He looked up, but it was difficult to focus his eyes, as it seemed the room was going round. Shino was staring at him with a serious expression – how come he looked so sober when he'd drunk even more than Yamagi? – and waiting for his answer. But what was the question...? Ah, right, he remembered and flushed again. He'd asked why Yamagi cared about him so much.
'Say it,' suggested some voice in his aching head, and once Yamagi heard it, it split into a chorus of voices, insisting and tempting. Commanding. Shino was still looking at him, and his face was the only clear point in the world that had got blurred.
Why not? What was the point to keep it a secret?
He opened his mouth... and then shut it again. He couldn't. Fear of losing everything – fear he'd been living with for what seemed the eternity until it'd become his other self – was too strong. He lowered his head and closed his eyes.
But the voices in his head grew louder again, no matter how he tried to silence them... 'Say it, say it, say it...' was the only thing left in his mind, one phrase repeated hundreds, thousands times, deafening everything all. 'Say it.' It seemed they wouldn't leave him be and he would never be able to hear anything else... 'Say it, Yamagi Gilmerton.'
"Will you say it, Yamagi?"
"Because I love you."
There was total, absolute silence.
All voices disappeared, leaving him alone, and Yamagi felt he was shivering all over. He was sitting with his eyes closed – he didn't have courage to face reality – but then he opened them. He needed to know...! Even if everything were to end, he needed to know Shino's reaction.
Shino was staring at him, completely stupefied. He seemed like someone whose world had stopped, too. He clearly couldn't process that information, even though he'd asked about it himself. The seconds were passing, and he was only standing there still and staring at Yamagi, while Yamagi wasn't even certain if Shino could see him. He drove away an absurd impulse to wave a hand before his eyes. 'I broke him...' he thought. 'But I never expected it would come as such a shock to him...'
Then, however, Shino came back to life and – unbelievable – grinned. His eyes were radiating warmth, as if he'd suddenly turned into a sun. He tilted his head and said, "I know."
Yamagi sobered up immediately; well, it could've taken longer, but now it was him who'd hung.
"What?" he uttered in the end, jumping to his feet. He still wasn't certain he wasn't hallucinating.
"I know. I've already known," Shino said. He wouldn't stop smiling, as if he were the most pleased man in the universe.
Yamagi groaned and clenched his fists. "Since ever?" he asked weakly.
Shino shook his head. "No, since recently. Earlier, I wasn't certain... But I asked Eugene."
"Eugene?! And what could he say about it?"
"Well... he confirmed it."
"What? But how could he know? I didn't tell him!"
"Well... I think everyone knew. Only I was the last to realise it."
What?! Yamagi stared at him as if Shino had just sprouted another head, and tried to comprehend what he'd just heard, but it was difficult... maybe the most difficult thing in his life.
Everyone? But... everyone?! He couldn't possibly be so obvious...! He couldn't... right?
But if he had...? If someone had observed him... seen those lingering glances he'd cast at Shino... had seen how Yamagi would get silent in his presence and avoid touching him or being touched by him... or how he would sometimes smile to himself, certain that no-one could see him. He'd been certain that no-one could see him.
Oh no...!
But no, he checked himself, it wasn't the important thing. He focused his eyes on Shino, again, who was looking at him with delighted smile and seemed absurdly ecstatic.
Shino knew.
Shino. Had. Known.
"And despite that you wanted to spend time with me?" he asked in a dull voice without thinking.
Shino frowned; the smile had vanished from his face, and suddenly he seemed offended.
"No, I didn't mean it like that..." Yamagi stuttered; he hadn't wanted to hurt him. "I just... You're okay with this? I thought you would hate me if you knew. It's disgusting... That a guy fell in love with you. And you like only girls..." He realised he was babbling. "I thought you would hate me," he repeated helplessly.
"Yamagi, I told you already, remember? I can't imagine the day I could hate you."
Yamagi plumped on the sofa. Tears welled up in his eyes, but he didn't know if he was crying out of relief, shock, or something else, maybe all of them.
Shino had known. And he'd still not pushed him away... hadn't ended their friendship. How could it be possible? Could it be just one of the dreams he used to have? If it was a dream, he should now wake up and go back to the well-known reality when his love remained a secret all his life.
But the dream continued. They were still on the Moon, in the rented flat; he was sitting on the sofa, and Shino was leaning against the table and giving him that serious look, as if Yamagi were the most important thing in the world.
"You really don't want to end everything between us?" Yamagi whispered, and his chest ached, for he still couldn't believe that.
"I wouldn't even think of it."
Yamagi hid his face in his hands. Now he couldn't stop his tears. "Sorry..." he choked out. "I'm hopeless... Sorry..."
Shino sat down next to him. "Now I've no idea if I haven't done something wrong, after all," he muttered.
Yamagi shook his head. "No," he uttered between the sobs. "It's me... Sorry."
"What should I do now?"
"Just stay," Yamagi whispered.
And Shino stayed, like always radiating and strengthening the sense of security with just his presence.
They sat like that for a longer while, that once more put together the whole universe, and finally Yamagi managed to calm down. Without looking at Shino, he got up and went to the bathroom to wash his face. He didn't switch the light on; he didn't want to see himself in the mirror – not only because he knew he looked terrible; he didn't have enough courage to look himself in the eye. He drank some water; its coldness helped to calm his nerves. He took a couple of deep breaths.
His world was slowly regaining its balance after a sudden shock. He still couldn't believe what had happened, even though it was the best option of all. Or maybe exactly because of it. He'd been prepared for being pushed away – for so many years – so he felt strange when it hadn't happen. He'd crossed the line that he'd believed only solitude waited for him behind, but then it'd appeared that Shino had crossed it with him and the future would still mean being together.
He didn't know what he'd done to deserve it.
Of course, it didn't change anything between them. Anything. Even if Shino knew about them, Yamagi would still have his feelings under control, now ever more than before. Now that Shino knew, he would be more alert to any manifestations of it. It wasn't like Yamagi could now show his affection openly or give him sweet smiles, make goo-goo eyes at him or make allusions to his love... Cuddle to him or hold hands with him. They were friends and would remain friends. Yamagi had nearly lost that friendship; he would never risk it again. Never.
Show his affection... make allusions...
He frowned when a sudden reflection occurred to him. The truth was, in the last months... in the last days, that was what he'd done, and many times, too. Taking into consideration the tension that he'd lived in and that had reached its culmination during the battle with Arianrhod – he still experienced its effects – there was really nothing strange about it. Strange was that Shino seemed to have accepted all those gestures as a good sign, and sometimes he even made understand... which was, of course, impossible... that he had nothing against it and would gladly continue.
'We'll be drinking, just the two of us...'
'I came back cause I'd promised you...'
'We must stick together...'
'I'll do as you say...'
'I'm here only for you...'
All those statements were ambiguous; one could find an undertone in them. That was why, said as a joke to a person in love and knowing they might stick to that context, they were an unnecessary cruelty.
Did Shino want to be cruel? No, certainly not... but it could be that he declared friendship and really believed it, but at the same time he unconsciously pulled away. Yamagi felt bad suspecting it, but he would feel even worse if it were true.
He returned to the room; he was already calm, at least outwardly. Shino was still sitting on the sofa, so Yamagi sat down on the bed. For a moment, he struggle with himself until he was defeated. Now he really couldn't risk anything being honest.
"Shino..." he said quietly, not looking at him. "Since you knew that I... you knew my feelings for you..." How hard it was to talk about it, even though they no longer had any secrets...! "It's not that I criticise you... I don't want you to think that. I just..."
He paused, and his fingers clutched at the fabric of his trousers. He had to get a grip. He had to say it, otherwise he would never know for sure... He laughed at himself in his thoughts; had he ever been sure of anything?
"Shino," he resumed, "I sometimes have the impression that you say things that you know I wish to hear, but that are only a joke..." He raised his eyes. "You know what I'm talking about, don't you?" he asked in an undertone.
Shino nodded, staring him in the eye.
Yamagi felt his heart stopped for a moment. "But you realise it's not fair to me...?" he said in a whisper, averting his eyes. "So it will be better if–"
He never finished, for Shino – in a move so fast it escaped perception – got up from the sofa and the next moment was sitting by him, cupping his face and kissing.
Yamagi felt as if the universe stopped – and then started to expand again, but twice as fast, leaving him behind in some farthest corner where not even the gravitation existed... or as if he'd been moved into another dimension, one with completely different laws than the cosmos he'd known.
Before he managed to think anything, Shino rested his forehead on his forehead and looked him in the eye, still holding his face in his big hands. "You think I'd do it as a joke?" he asked in a low voice, but Yamagi didn't understand his words. "I wouldn't. I wouldn't, Yamagi."
And then he reached to his lips again, this time entering, going deeper, deeper... And Yamagi felt something exploded inside him – his own microcosm – and had a sensation he was going to faint or die, or something even worse would happen, though he had no idea what it might be, and didn't really care.
When Shino broke away and they gasped for air, he tried to pull away, although there was nothing more he wanted than to continue.
"You didn't want this...?" Shino asked. "You don't want physical contact...? True, you've always moved away..."
Yamagi shook his head, thought it wasn't any answer. His brain, however, had melted in the explosion of that star, and he wouldn't be able to put a sentence together, even if his life depended on it. If someone asked him his name, he probably wouldn't be able to remember it.
"It's not that... But it's too much, and I..." He was breathing heavily and was still short of air. He felt so hot as if he should burn any moment. "I want..."
It seemed it was the answer Shino waited for, as the next moment he was again sinking in his mouth, pressing him close, and Yamagi could only return the kiss, even though he had no experience, and his hands, as if they had a life on their own, embraced Shino, fingers clutching at the fabric of his shirt.
Never tearing them apart, Shino pushed him on the bed to lean over him. Yamagi moaned in his mouth, feeling the bigger body pressed against his own. Feeling of heat didn't diminish; it only grew stronger, along with the terrible tension. He felt as if his skin had turned into the liquid metal, exposing him to every stimulus. He couldn't defend himself, and all his control had evaporated in the heat, along with everything else, along with the rest of world and time.
When Shino pulled away from the kiss again to take his breath, he rolled to the side and curled up. His hands, weak and trembling, reached to his trousers to unbutton them and free the part of his that all energy had accumulated in. He had to release it, and only that instinct was left in his mind.
"Don't look..." he rasped, sensing Shino next to him with some reserve of his consciousness, but then he forgot even about him.
He pressed his eyes so tight he could see red spots under his eyelids. His heart was racing, and the sound of its beating drowned all other sounds. His breathing was shallow – taking only as much air as needed to live – and fast, but his hands moved even faster. And soon it was over... much sooner than ever before, he remembered with some last shred of memory.
But he was saved. Heat was waning, his breathing calmed down, and his muscles relaxed. He used all his strength, was receding, falling asleep...
"It was the sexiest thing I've seen in my life," Shino's voice stopped him at the border of sleep.
With an effort, he opened his eyes and focused them on the face of – now he remembered – the only man he'd ever loved. Shino was staring at him with a smile, but there was some tension to his features. And then he did something Yamagi wouldn't imagine in the wildest dreams: he opened his trousers and freed his hard cock to take care of it as he should. He wouldn't tear his eyes off Yamagi, who could only give a helpless moan. They he greedily drank the pleasured expression lighting Shino's face up and reached out a hand in a sudden yearning.
Shino leaned over him and kissed him – so gently – then lay down next to him and took him in his arms. Yamagi drifted off to sleep, hoping that it wasn't an abrupt wake-up that awaited him.
It was a bright day when he waked up. As usual, he was fully alert, and his head filled with the images of the last night. He stopped himself from jumping to his feet. He didn't want to wake Shino, breathing steadily behind him, and thus – although everything urged him to run – very slowly moved to the edge of the bed and went to the bathroom, closing the door without as much as a sound. He didn't turn back to look at sleeping Shino.
Although he was perfectly aware of what had happened last night, it was something very hard to believe. In the morning light, all that seemed just a dream: starting with Shino admitting he'd known, and ending with... physical issues that had followed. He played it all in his head, with details: words, gestures, glances. He tried to analyse them, but to no avail. He couldn't say what dismayed him the most. He would get euphoric in one minute, and then embarrassed. He would imagine a bright future, and then give in to the worst fears the very next moment.
How had he behaved? How had he shown himself to Shino? He'd lost all self-control – he, always cold and composed Yamagi Gilmerton... He wouldn't be able to look Shino in the eye ever again. But then Shino, too... Shino had seen his desire, and it hadn't made him disgusted... quite the contrary. Shino had wanted it himself... The very same Shino, whom Yamagi had always considered to be a one hundred percent ladies' man...
What would happen now? How would Shino treat him after all that had happened?
Uncertainty gnawed at his insides, and he felt sick. He squatted on the floor and put his arms around his head, trying to calm down. He felt bare, completely defenceless. After all these years of hiding his feelings, keeping them closed behind the strong lock and never letting anyone to them, the situation had changed – and it was terrifying, as he didn't know where he stood. He felt like waking Shino right away and forcing him to answer his question: what now? He refrained from doing such a stupid thing.
Finally, he went back to the room and, after a moment of struggle, sat down on the bed to stare at sleeping Shino. 'Please, let nothing change,' he begged the cosmic gods he'd never believed in. Even after what had happened last night – or, maybe, especially because of that – he was scared that everything would end. Maybe Shino wouldn't remember anything, drunk as he'd been. Or maybe he would put his behaviour down to his intoxication and take responsibility, wouldn't blame Yamagi only suggest that they never talked about it, and they would remain friends. Yamagi would have a broken heart, but at least he would still have Shino.
He had no idea how long had passed; he didn't count time. He'd never been bored looking at Shino when Shino was unaware of it. In such moments, he could send all his love without fearing he would be seen through. It even calmed him down a bit. But now, he remembered immediately, he no longer had to fear that because Shino knew... So now he feared something else. Apparently, it was his fate to always fear something in regard to Shino.
Would Shino, upon seeing him, look away in disgust? Would he get up and leave, and never want to see him again? And if he stayed, maybe feeling guilty or obliged, would he force himself to remain friendly... pretend nothing had changed, while everything had... and all naturalness between the two of them had vanished, turning them into strangers...?
Anxiety made him tremble again. He hunched and put his arms around him. That move finally interrupted Shino's sleep. Shino opened his eyes, blinked and groaned, then covered his eyes with his arm.
Yamagi's anxiety only grew stronger. "Shino...?" escaped his mouth.
Shino turned his head towards him, and his face changed in an instant, lit up by a smile brighter and warmer than sun. Yamagi felt the load weighing on him got lighter.
"Yamagi," Shino said, and there was incredible satisfaction and happiness in his voice.
Yamagi clutched his fingers on the sheets. "Shino..." he repeated and felt like crying again, which made no sense.
Shino held out his hands, and there was no going back. Yamagi fell into his arms, and then Shino kissed him again and then kissed him more and then touched him, and then Yamagi touched him, and then the universe returned to normal, and they were lying cuddled up and calming their breaths.
"I want to stay," Shino said after a longer silence.
Yamagi – his mind had shut down for some fifteen minutes – gathered his thoughts, although he felt such a bliss he would gladly continue in it. "Stay... You mean, here? On the Moon?"
"Silly boy... Stay with you. You saved my life, and twice, too. I told you that during battle I'd remembered what I'd promised you. I wanted to come back to you, and that's why I didn't die with Ryūsei-gō. And then... And then you saved me. It's obvious my life belongs to you." Shino laughed. "I bet you never expected me to say such lame things, did you?"
Yamagi, however, focused on something else, which made him anxious and brought him back to reality. "If you feel like you owe me anything..." he whispered, although he knew he was being stupid, and some part of him shouted that he should shut up. "I don't need this kind of gratitude. You don't have to–"
Shino stopped him with a kiss and then held him even tighter. "Silly boy," he repeated with affection. "You really think I'd do something like this out of gratitude?"
Yamagi said nothing. His heart was beating quickly, almost hurting him, but this time the pain was sweet.
When Shino continued, his voice wasn't much more than a whisper, but it was so serious that every word could be heard clearly. "Yamagi... It's the first time someone told me that they loved me. Me. And, damn it, I'm completely stunned by it. To know about it was already amazing, but to be told it... It totally blew me away. Completely. Utterly."
Yamagi remembered that moment... that expression Shino had had, as if he'd been hit with a massive dose of cosmic energy... Yeah, he undoubtedly had been stunned, although Yamagi had taken it for a simple shock.
"You've no idea how I envied Akihiro, when it became clear that Lafter..." Shino went on. "Love that you don't need to pay for... True one. I can't believe it happened to me." He laughed. "Unbelievable. It's unbelievable that the cutest... the sweetest boy in Tekkadan fell in love with someone like me."
Yamagi listened to that, and it was him who felt stunned. He wished he could remember those words forever, but he knew they would run through his memory like water through fingers. Now, however, he listened to them with his heart clenched, and sweet warmth spread in his chest... "Yhm," he muttered as Shino seemed to be waiting for some response. He should ask now... make sure... 'You don't mind it I'm a guy?' – but he had no courage.
Shino, however, seemed to read his mind. "Yamagi, what you said yesterday... There's nothing disgusting about it. Nothing at all," he declared with confidence. "There's nothing disgusting about you loving me. It's the opposite; for me, it's the greatest thing under the sun." He laughed softly. "I like girls, but... But if it's you, then I don't even need to choose. Don't laugh at me, I know how it sounds, but you're already the centre of my universe and pull me towards you more and more. Are you laughing? I can't name it, I'm too stupid for that. And I've no experience, so I don't know if it's love... so I'm not going to say, 'I love you,' yet. Damn, I don't even know what to do to make you feel good. But I'm going to learn. Does it make any sense?"
"Yhm."
"Even the thing about the centre of universe?"
Yamagi looked at him, although his sight got blurred. He nodded. "Yhm."
Shino smiled with that warmth of his. "You're the centre of my universe," he repeated, and there was that incredible satisfaction in his voice again. "I couldn't get away even if I tried, but I don't want to. You said you love me... I'm not so retarded to let it slip away. But it's not that it could be anyone." He paused and seemed to be thinking. "Yamagi... You're amazing. I don't know anyone like you. You're so smart and know about many things... You're tough and collected, and I never know what you really think. You always support me, you're always close when I need you. You put up with my bullshit and then set me straight with one word. Sometimes you even scare me." He smiled. "I trust you more than I trust myself. No-one ever gave me as much as you. You're someone special to me, Yamagi, Someone that no-one in Tekkadan ever was and ever will be, it's for sure. So I'll give you my life."
Now Yamagi couldn't even say, 'Yhm'. His throat was completely closed, and he could only try to hold on; it seemed like he would fall to pieces any moment.
Shino put one hand on his head and stroke his hair, and they lay in silence that was so peaceful, so safe. The sunlight was slowly moving through the room and performing another day, but the two of them had escaped that rhythm in their own line of time.
"Yamagi, how long...?" Shino's voice broke the silence.
"Four years."
Shino rolled on his back, covered his eyes with one arm and burst out laughing. Yamagi looked at him, filled with immense happiness.
"Four years...! I'm such a dummy... I started to suspect it only some weeks ago. And Eugene must have known much longer. So who is a dope here?" Shino was still laughing, and it took him a while to calm down enough to speak again. "And I even wasn't certain. Whenever we were together, you were keeping your distance. You always pulled away, so I thought I only imagined it. Sometimes I even thought you don't really like me. And we were family, so it wouldn't occur to me that someone in Tekkadan might have such feelings for me... That's why it took me so long. So–"
"Don't apologise."
Shino nodded. He was still staring at the ceiling; his eyes were wide and suddenly serious. "May I stay?" he asked, and there was some uncertainty to those words that Yamagi couldn't really comprehend.
"As long as you wish."
Shino smiled; this answer seemed to have pleased him and filled him with relief. Then he turned to Yamagi again and winced. "You don't have a hangover?" he asked.
"I didn't drink that much," Yamagi replied. "You drank at least twice as much."
"Lucky guy..."
"It's probably the green one. I told you it was not for humans... Or that one that something was floating in."
"I didn't drink that, it's still left. And not only that..." Shino raised his head and look at the unopened bottles on the table. "In the end, we didn't drink until morning..." He looked again at him. "But I don't mind."
Yamagi smiled.
"Finally!" Shino noted. "Until now, I wasn't sure if I did anything right cos you either cried or looked like crying. You never tell me anything," he added with a taunt. "How should I know what you really feel and think, Yamagi?"
"Sorry... If you feel stunned, Shino, then I feel so even more. All of this... is more than I ever imagined," Yamagi replied in a low voice, shutting his eyes. "And I'm still scared that it's going to disappear. That I'm going to wake up."
Shino hugged him again and pulled him closer, as if to make clear he wasn't going to vanish.
"Shino... You said all things I've ever wanted to hear from you," Yamagi continued, his voice still very quiet, relishing the feeling of intimacy and security and trying not to think of the future. "You can't expect me to act as if nothing happened. My life has been turned upside down... but in a positive way."
"I hope so. Only... Everything you wanted to hear from me? That's bad," Shino said with a worry. "There's still the rest of our lives, and I've already said everything? What now?"
Yamagi snorted. Warmth welled up in his chest again. "You can repeat it every day," he replied softly. "I'm never going to have enough."
"Now, do you really think I'm such an unimaginative guy?" Shino asked with faked indignation. "By the way... Yamagi, what two guys can do together? Except for what we already did. As I said, I have no experience, but I'm going to learn everything." He seemed genuinely intent, and Yamagi thought it was endearing.
"To tell the truth, I've no idea," he admitted. "I don't have any experience either."
"I wouldn't believe it," Shino muttered, and Yamagi froze. "I mean, no, it's not what I meant. It's just... Someone as cute as you should have tons of admirers... Not that I would like it."
Yamagi had no idea if he should laugh or feel touched. Or maybe be mad since Shino had called him 'cute' twice already... But if he weren't 'cute', there was a risk that Shino, despite his best intentions and all affection, wouldn't have wanted to touch him... Not that he could ask, 'Is it because I look like a girl?'
He focused on the suggestion instead. "Shino... What admirers? Where? In Tekkadan? It's not normal. Can you imagine what would happen if everyone began checking everyone else out? It's not normal, and it's impossible, too, because most guys are interested in women. That's all. Besides..." He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was lower. "Even if another... freak of nature like me appeared... Shino, you said it's not all the same... It's how I feel, too. Even if there were many guys interested in me, which sounds ridiculous anyway... I've always only looked at you. I don't want anyone but you," he confessed, suddenly embarrassed, even though he spoke the truth.
"It's still beyond me," Shino replied, and it seemed he really thought so. Then he laughed. "I mean... I know I'm strong and brave, talented and handsome, and generally a nice guy...?"
Yamagi raised his head and greedily stared at his face. He wanted to touch Shino's forehead and nose. He wanted to put a hand to his cheek and kiss his lips. He wanted to slip his fingers into his hair. He wanted to keep saying, 'I love you,' and never explain why.
Then he only nodded and lay his head back on Shino's chest. There was again silence. Yamagi wondered about everything he wished to say and ask, so many things... There were some he didn't dare to inquire about, and some he was too shy to ask, while others didn't really seem right... He told himself that maybe one day, maybe in the future...
Despite all that happened, he still didn't know if he could trust the future. For Shino, things were simple, decisions were easy, and declarations were so natural that he didn't really need to think about them – how different from Yamagi, who always assumed the worst. Shino always took the next step acting on instinct; Yamagi, before taking it, considered all possible options, especially the bad ones.
Shino was brave, although many would call his courage a stupidity. Yamagi was a coward, although he preferred to call it a caution. He was too weak to trust his instinct and believe in the best solution. So, if he could choose, he would rather follow Shino and lean on his courage. It was because of Shino that they were here now: in this bed, in each other's arms, in truth.
"Shino...?"
"Mhm?"
"When you proposed that we drank together... You didn't expected this would happen, did you?"
"Hmm... Don't know. I probably wanted to try. But maybe I hoped for that. I think I was prepared for everything."
Yamagi raised his head. Shino was smiling again. "Really."
"Really, don't be so surprised. Did I ever show you that I don't like when you're close? That I mind you touching me?"
"Well... When I grabbed you by your broken arm..."
Shino glanced at him with a wince. "Don't you have any better memories?"
Yamagi searched his too good memory and fished up all those moments when they'd happened to touch, either accidentally or by force, or out of Yamagi's desperation, before the last battle... It was true. Shino had never chased him away, never pushed him away, never showed any disgust or dislike – even when he'd had to know already about Yamagi's feelings... Quite the contrary, he would hold him like a treasure, like a precious thing he'd wanted to protect... Yamagi hadn't noticed that, or maybe had considered it to be Shino's typical disregard of physical barriers or just normal concern Shino had had for everyone in Tekkadan, especially someone smaller, younger and weaker...
"I've always been too focused on myself," he muttered.
"Says the guy who left the ship where all his allies were to search for me on the battlefield, and then went straight into the enemy's lair to save me... I sure believe you," Shino commented with untypical sarcasm.
Yamagi averted his eyes. "It's not–"
Shino lifted himself and then pressed his forehead against Yamagi's to look him in the eyes. "Yamagi Gilmerton, I wish you valued yourself more," he said.
"You're the self-confident one here..."
"You think I fill the quota for the two of us? You know, I'll happily share some with you." Shino hugged him and pressed his face to his hair. "Yamagi, you're an incredible man, and I respect you more you could ever imagine. What you did for me... Who else would have such courage and determination? Thanks."
Yamagi put his arms around him and rested his head on his chest. Suddenly, again, he was at a loss for words, so he only listened.
"When I proposed that we would go and drink..." Shino continued. "I probably just wanted that you told me. I wanted to hear that, know for sure, hundred-percent. You wouldn't tell me without a drink, would you? You didn't tell me even that time... before the most important battle, you little bastard..."
Yamagi kept silent. His heart was racing.
"But I think I also wanted to check it. How I would react. And if it would work. I don't know if I already had hots for you back then... But I definitely considered you the sweetest thing in the world..."
"Shino, I'm not a girl," Yamagi interrupted him.
"Sure you're not. But you're cute anyway," Shino insisted and then muttered, "If you'd been a girl, I would've laid my hands on you some years ago... so it's better this way. Now no-one can arrest me."
Yamagi giggled. He couldn't quite imagine that.
"I don't know if I had hots for you before," Shino repeated. "It's for sure I wasn't averse to that. But now... last night..." He swallowed, and when he went on, his voice was hoarse. "When I kissed you, I was lost, and then... Yamagi, I didn't expect it would be so… That you would be so damn sexy. That the fact you wanted me would excite me so much. When I saw you, it was like some revelation. I though to myself, 'Norba Shino, this guy loves you and wants you, and would give you anything without asking. And he's so cute, smart, brave and better than you in all aspect. Dude, you're the luckiest man in the universe.' And I got so hard that I couldn't help it. Because of you. Thanks to you."
Yamagi listened to that, and his heart only accelerated, carrying the electric warmth to every cell in his body. His skin was tingling, and his mouth was dry. He knew those symptoms well, knew what they led to, so there was no point paying attention to them. But Shino's quick breath tickling his ear indicated the same was happening to him, and that was something amazing.
"I would never expect you could be aroused by guys," he whispered.
"Me neither," Shino replied. "But you know what? I don't want to check if you're right with that plural form. Yamagi...?"
"Mhm?"
"Will you say it again...?"
Yamagi smiled. "I love you."
Shino sighed, and a shiver ran through his body. "How could I live without it...?" he asked with a fake reproach, but great joy could be heard in his words.
Yamagi laughed softly. Despite increasing desire, for the first time in what seemed like eternity, he felt perfectly calm. Stable. Safe. And full of hope. If only he could keep this feeling longer. Shino... If Shino stayed by his side...
He raised his head and cupped Shino's face, and then – since everything that required courage had already happened – he kissed his beloved.
"I love you," he said and then again, and again between the kisses until they turned so hot he almost passed out.
"Unbelievable," Shino replied and seemed amazed indeed.
"I'll make you believe," Yamagi declared with untypical confidence.
As a master of disbelief and doubt, he knew well what to do to beat them. For now, he decided he would tell Shino, 'I love you,' so many times until he compensated for the last four years, and then... Then they would see.
Shino smiled broadly.
"I can't wait," he said and then took care of him.