It had been three weeks into the new term after the unexpected semester break at Nevermore and everyone was trying to adjust and move on after the events of last semester. From his dorm Xavier watched the falling snow outside and started to reflect on how October affected him. Xavier crossed the empty half of his room as he was still in there alone and made his way over to his laptop to get some of the thoughts that were spiraling into order. Using his laptop as a diary it seemed to be the perfect place to vent as it was a method that Wednesday was almost guaranteed to overlook considering her luddite tendencies (though she had no problem connecting with Enid over break but not one text for him) and after typing in his password (Anish Kapoor 192131119) he opened a familiar program typed in a different password (Cassandra 2022) and started to type.
Date November 20th 2022
Today I overheard that Wednesday has a stalker while she was chatting with Enid in one of our few shared classes, and I am bracing myself for when Wednesday decides I'm the stalker based on the fact that I got her the phone and turns the investigation on me again. I'm sure it won't take people long to be on board with what Wednesday said in our mutual acquaintances they did last semester when I was arrested. Not one person in my group made so much as a peep of "I know the evidence looks bad but he's innocent. I've known him for years" or "I know Wednesday does shady shit to enact justice you might want to verify how the evidence was found" not a word. Not from any of the Nightshades, not from any of the Administration that had taught me over the years and nothing from Ajax was what hurt the most.
What made Wednesday more believable as a person than me? I had never emptied a bag of lie piranhas on anyone or destroyed public property in a magnificent blaze (It was dope) or manipulated the people around me into dangerous situations. I had visions as well and for longer that Wednesday so why was the fruits of her emerging powers more valuable than mine? Or was it simply because I am worthless and no matter what I do to fit into groups it will always be hollow and never a meaningful relationship, it's all fake because I'm not worthy of authenticity in relationships; I am worthless.
I've been doing my best to avoid unnecessary interactions with Wednesday this term, moved most of my classes to a different time so I'm not in as many shared classes and decided to sit towards the front of the class next to a student whose name I do not remember but who keeps to themselves so no chit chat required. I am mentally preparing myself to be confronted by Wednesday or to overhear something along the lines of "I didn't text you/Xavier over the break because I felt I didn't need to, it was obvious that you/he used this gift as a way to get closer to me to insert yourself/himself into my daily thoughts. Since I have not echoed back with feminine gratitude you/he have lost interest and have receded in interaction since there is nothing to be gained for you/him. Therefore the offer of friendship was a smokescreen at best to set in place for more personal situations and you/he failed '' or some other equally hurtful and somewhat misandrist statement.
I thought I meant what I said the last day I saw her, that I would be more than happy with just a text, until I got home to the large empty mansion where I live. I was left to my own devices no surprise there, for the remainder of break while Dad was on tour which left me with a lot of free space to be upset. I cried in the shower, in my room, really anywhere I felt the need to because I wasn't able to show this level or pain to anyone at Nevermore, not anymore and my masking would have to get even better, though it was good enough to fool Wednesday she just thought that I was an elitist snow after all. It was during the night that I fully realized that the things I said to Wednesday about our possible friendship going forward was not going to happen. I'd go to sleep to replay the events of the month before, the humiliation, betrayal, the feeling of having people drag you away for a crime you didn't commit;though as an Outcast I have to worry about that anyway. Sometimes it would be Wednesday that put me in the chains only to brutally decimate my character, other times she took justice into her own hands and performed a vivisection on me and even when her evidence proved her wrong she still left me on the table to die, no remorse and no apologies. Still haven't gotten on from her at all, not that I expect one.
I took down my studio at home, I couldn't bring myself to paint or draw anymore, not after my own work was used as a basis to condemn me. I've stopped drawing even here at Nevermore not that I feel anyone has noticed or that I no longer go to the shed to paint, my stomach rolls every time I go near it. My safe haven from the bullshit of my life was turned into perdition and I could never go there again. Nevermore no longer had a Tortured Artist just a tortured soul among its ranks and I don't think a single person would notice or care. I used my drawings to make sense of the visions I had, to get the images out of my head so I could assess them but I have found taking sleeping pills helps me avoid my visions and the nightmares that plague me, so win win right? Everything will be fine at the end of the year. I will pack my things and go somewhere far away from here and start over. Maybe if I go somewhere where no one knows my face or my story I can start over and maybe find some kind of happiness for myself…..LOL.
Saving the draft under password Xavier closed the lid of his laptop before drawing in a deep breath. Returning back to the window he could see Wednesday in the distance, and immediately moved from the window. As long as he could reduce the amount of time they interacted in a group setting or alone the better. He had to keep the mask in place and that was so hard to do when engaging with her. Xavier could feel the weight of the chains around his neck dragging him down every time he looked at her, and he could never shake the feeling of being condemned and some part of him would always be in that cell.
The consequences of daring to have a crush on Wednesday Addams was harsh but now he knew better.