EYE FOR AN EYE

-Selfish-

…

The days became monotonous.

There was a weight on her body, a weight she had never felt before.

She looked at her hands, her arms, noticing how the scars had finally disappeared, her wounds from that battle, and it surprised her, since it had never taken her so long to regenerate, for her Aura to heal the wounds.

But of course not.

Her Aura barely existed.

Now she just healed like any other untrained human.

Ruby knew her Aura was there, could feel its warmth inside her body, but it was too weak, and despite the days, it didn't increase.

In the end, Jaune helped her, increasing her Aura with his, trying to help her heal the wounds and bruises that still hadn't healed on their own, but it still wasn't enough, because the cross on her face, her stigma, was still there, unhealed, neither with the powers of others nor with the power of Atlas' technology.

That wound wanted to stay that way, open.

The bandages were wet, she felt them stuck into her flesh, the threads digging into her skin, merging together. She had to control the urge to remove them, the itching starting to bother her, driving her crazy, but she knew that if she succumbed to the itch, the wound would open again, and she didn't want Weiss to get angry with her, again.

She looked towards the door, waiting.

Now she could only wait.

She wanted revenge so much that it took her sleep away, and despite having succeeded, having seen Cinder's body turn to nothing more than ashes, she still couldn't fully sleep. Something was missing, and it wasn't just her Aura. There was something that she needed, and maybe it was revenge, she needed it to move on, but… who was she going to take revenge on now?

Red eyes appeared in her head.

Those red eyes.

Had she forgotten Salem yet?

No, of course not, but the uncertainty forced her to keep that woman out of her head, the memories of her mother still shredded in her mind. Besides, at that point, when Salem became a thing worthy of her hate, she was already too concerned with Cinder, with making her pay for the damage she did to her and her friends, so of course Cinder was going to be her first prey, her first target.

Without Cinder, she could finally focus on the queen.

But she didn't want to.

Cinder was human, mortal, but Salem wasn't. She didn't consider herself rational, or cautious, but it was clear that fighting Salem was suicide.

Ruby let out a laugh.

That day, she was there, with Cinder, looking for her, with the intention of committing suicide.

What a hypocrite.

She closed her eye for a moment, trying to move her head away from the burning she felt, from the itching she felt.

Perhaps dying would have been better. Would her soul, or what was left of it, have gone in peace without seeing Cinder die? Probably not. But at that moment, that day, it seemed like the best path to take. Take Cinder with her, down to hell, that was enough, but the thirst of death was bigger than her own rest.

Now she was there, lying down, permanently, unable to move or scratch that wound that was still open, which itched and burned more and more every day, and she had to squeeze the sheets to not bring her hands to her face and make her wound bleed again.

And her eye...

The socket also itched.

For as long as she remembered, the flesh tremble inside her head, crying out for some attention, crying out for her to dig her nails in and scratch, endlessly. She had this urge to pry that robotic eye out of her face and finally be able to feel some relief inside, scratching at her exposed flesh.

But no, Ruby shouldn't do that.

That was her punishment, and she had to live with it, she had to resist the urges.

She had sinned, had damaged her very existence by having repulsive thoughts, becoming something different from a hero. Now she was a villain, it was clear, because a hero would never do what she did, a hero would never have the thoughts she had, the thoughts she still has. The desire to take revenge, to hound someone, to lie and say that it was for the greater good, but no, it was just her selfishness, the desire to see that woman burn, die, melt in front of her.

No, a hero would never do that.

Her sins throbbed.

Ruby didn't hear Weiss coming in, she didn't hear the high heel boots on the tiles, nothing. She only heard Weiss voice, when she had gotten close enough.

She opened her eye and looked at her partner, thankful for a familiar and pleasant face after having nothing but Cinder's burned face and Salem's pale face in her head. She was also grateful that Weiss was there, visiting her, after what she did to her friends, after she tried to commit suicide and die with her team there, completely unaware of her horrible plan. It was understandable that the rest were keeping their distance. She had shattered the trust of her team, of her friends, once again.

She had messed it up, again.

They had protected Atlas and Mantle, somehow everything had turned out well, despite the fact that the bond they had share broke up. There was tension that broke the normality they had, and, when they met again, everything was fine. But it wasn't fine. The trust was broken after Atlas, always broken.

Things would never be the same again.

They all changed in those years.

And she herself, above all, had changed.

But she accepted it.

Ruby was an outcast among her friends, they didn't trust her before, and they wouldn't trust her again, and honestly, if she put herself in someone else's shoes, she would do the exact same thing.

But she was Ruby Rose, Ruby Rose was supposed to give second chances, she was supposed to give the option of redemption, of salvation.

Was she really?

But, who the fuck was Ruby Rose?

She didn't know someone like that, or at least, she wasn't like that, not anymore, if that were the case, Cinder would be alive and the whole world would be burning in flames, as always.

But she was similar to that old Ruby Rose in one particular thing, and it was that they both made mistake after mistake. Failing, over and over again. At least that girl from the past had her inexperience on top of her, which could be forgiven, but her? No, she had no forgiveness, for a reason she was there, condemned to a hospital stretcher, with a cross that reminded her of what she had become and a false eye that reminded her that she was nothing more than a toy for humanity's delight.

That was her punishment.

To be a pawn, because her free will had caused too much damage.

The pain brought her back to the present, the ache in her scar.

Weiss was helping her with the bandages, like she said she would. The fibers of the cloth began to tug at her flesh, but it felt pleasant as it indulged the urge to scratch. She preferred using her fingernails, but she would let the same bandages do the work, even though the woman was too careful, and she wished Weiss would just yank the bandages and the itch would be gone forever.

But she had to live with that itch.

She could notice how Weiss's light blue eyes looked pensive, and she focused on them, on what her companion could be thinking, and found a certain delight in focusing on others, and so her mind wouldn't go inside her own head, which was already exhausting, she didn't sleep for the same reason.

The sky color eyes looked at her for a moment, and Weiss must have noticed her curiosity, or at least the fixation she had for what was happening inside the former heiress's head. After a few seconds, Weiss seemed ready to talk.

"Yang wants to talk to you."

So that was it. It seemed sudden, in fact, she believed that Yang would never want to see her again. But her sister had a good heart, they were both raised under the same values after all.

She didn't deserve that family.

"I will be waiting for her."

Weiss frowned, looking at her, clearly concerned.

"She's angry, Ruby. I don't know how good it is that she comes to talk to you. Lately she has been very impulsive, even on the little missions that Atlas is giving to us…"

Ruby starts laughing.

Her dear sister had also changed, or rather, seemed to be who she was before, in Beacon, Yang went back to the past and became the impulsive blonde everyone talked about. Well, being impulsive was something they had inherited from her family.

How many mistakes did their family make because of that trait?

It was impossible to add them up, it was already difficult for her to keep track of her own failures to add those of her sister, then those of her mother, her father, her uncle, even the mistakes Raven made due to impulsiveness.

That damn impulsiveness.

If she hadn't had that trait, she wouldn't have obtained her revenge, so maybe, for the first time, there was a good thing about being impulsive, right?

She shook her face, remembering where she was, who she was with, she had to force herself to look at Weiss, try to get inside her head, it was the only way to keep her own thoughts at bay.

"Do you think she's going to come to fight me?"

Weiss stopped moving, her eyes serious, a frustrated scowl clear on her face. Yes, it seems like that, it was like that.

If Yang wanted to fight, if Yang wanted to beat her up for the sins she committed, she was going to take it. She was going to accept whatever she could expiate for every mistake she carried. But it wasn't going to be punishment enough, it would never be punishment enough.

"I can't stop her, even so, I told her that if she was coming to see you, she must do something useful and bring your belongings, so you could at least protect yourself. If everything goes well, you should come back to us, you can't stay here forever, I don't think it's helping you."

She barely paid attention to what Weiss told her, her mind focused on only one thing, and that was her belongings. Weiss obviously meant her clothes and her weapon. Was she really going to get Crescent Rose back? That soon? She was afraid that the weapon she had held for so long would start burning in her hands. She was no longer worthy of a weapon to do good. She wasn't a hero anymore, so it was ridiculous to even hold her in her hands.

Use it? A lot less.

"Ruby."

She turned her individual attention back to Weiss, who had already finished bandaging her face. She could feel the new, dry bandages on her face again, encircling the nape of her neck, her head, firm, keeping the gauze from moving from its place. If she had the wound exposed, she had no doubt that she would start scratching at it with her nails, making it worse.

She deserved that.

Ruby thanked Weiss for helping her, even though she didn't deserve it, even so, her partners voice, the way she said her name, it wasn't for that, it wasn't to tell her that her work was over, there was something else, she could tell, it was her partner after all.

They looked at each other for a few moments, and she felt a certain panic that she didn't think she would feel.

Weiss knew her, and now she was afraid of that, that she could know what was going through her mind, she felt disgust that her partner knew the truth that she hid behind her eyelids, behind her eye, her teeth, her skin.

She wasn't a hero, she wasn't who she used to, everyone knew it, it was obvious, but that they could know what was going on inside her head, it was overwhelming.

She chuckled, realizing she wasn't good at hiding it, so at any moment everyone could find out.

Of course, Weiss would be the first one to decipher her mind.

"I know you didn't do it for the greater good…I know you didn't decide to go after Cinder to save the world. You did it for revenge, for nothing more than that."

She swallowed heavily, the laugh dying in her throat.

Weiss was right, and consequently, she herself was right.

She had convinced herself that it was to save people from someone like Cinder, she said so multiple times, but it was nothing more than a lie to hide the twisted nature of her own selfish desires. Still, she couldn't believe it, the rational part of her made it impossible for her to believe that her partner had read her mind so easily.

It wasn't possible.

She was a sinner, but having her sins spoken out loud was even worse. She felt like if she was in that exactly moment in the middle of Atlas, whips reaching at her back while her thoughts were spoken out loud, people reading her disgusting thoughts. All the people she once swore to protect, attacking her back, leaving bloody crosses on her skin, her whole body uncovered of any clothes, but turning red with blood.

A punishment she indeed deserves for lying like that.

Exposed, that is how she feels.

She tried to shut them up, tried to keep those thoughts at bay, for the same reason she never asked her friends about it, instead she forced Penny to be her confidant, her accomplice, she forced her to use a function of her programming to avoid feeling guilt, to avoid feeling that she was judged.

She felt judged, yes, but she forced herself to believe that a machine couldn't make her burn.

But it could.

Weiss gave her a smile, and she believed that she would never see a similar expression from her friends, from her team, much less from her partner, the one who she abandoned the most.

She felt disgusting, she didn't deserve that smile, she didn't deserve someone looking at her with nothing but disgust and hate.

"It must come as a surprise to you that I knew, but sometimes you forget that I am your partner, you forget how well I know you."

She felt Weiss's hand in hers, which was motionless at the sides of her own body. Weiss's hands used to be cold, now, they were warmer than ever, full of heat, life, or maybe her own were really dead, coldly dead.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm not going to judge you for having those thoughts, I couldn't do it, I would be a hypocrite having had them myself, for years."

Weiss turned her face away from her own, and she could no longer see her eyes, her face, but she could feel the tension in her body, as well as the petrified hand in hers, still warm, still alive.

"I was always terrified of my father, a creeping terror evolving every day, and I felt like if I was alone with him, my world was going to fall apart. Just having him in my head was enough to make me feel imprisoned, and all that fear was turning to hate. When we saw him in Atlas I remembered that, I felt terrified that he might hurt me or take me with him, lock me up again, but you were there for me, all our team was, and I felt able to defy him, once more."

That man hurt Weiss for so long, and she couldn't even imagine what that felt like, because Weiss's nightmare was her own father, someone you can't escape from. The family you will always bound to.

Ruby held Weiss's hand on her own, barely having the strength, but she did it anyways. Her companion's shoulders dropped the tension instantly.

She had to continue alone, she convinced herself of that, that she deserved nothing more than solitude, so she wouldn't hurt anyone else, but maybe she wouldn't be able to challenge Salem, her memory, her eternal existence, if she continued like this, alone.

She wouldn't be able to.

Yes, if she kept people by her side, maybe she could challenge her. Then, she could discover the truth behind what happened to her mother, what that woman did to her, and with that, she will be able to punish Salem for what she did.

Purge her deadly sins.

She had destroyed Cinder for hurting the ones she loved, all of Vale, but, she need to remind herself that Salem is the mastermind, she is the true sinner, the only one to blame for all the death. Salem needed to pay for what she did to her mother, so she had to do something, she had to go for her, no matter what.

She needed to.

And that was what she was going to do.

She will purge her own sins when she destroys all the evil in the world.

"When I locked my father up, I felt that I had done what I always dreamed of. It was a revenge after all, making him pay for his mistakes. And even if someone else had been the one to do it, if someone else had locked him up, maybe I would still have the need in me. Because it had to be me. I needed to be the one to lock him up just like he locked me up for so long. With that said, I understand you."

She felt a little bad for bringing her own selfish thoughts back when Weiss was talking, telling her story, but she couldn't be helped, the damage was already done, but she hoped Weiss would forgive her.

But, was locking him up enough?

Weiss, wouldn't you rather kill him?

Destroy him?

No, no, she couldn't ask that, besides, Jacques hadn't killed anyone directly, it wasn't a same weight punishment. Still, she wanted to tell Weiss that it would feel even better if she killed him, but the itch came back to her eye, and she found herself reaching with her free hand to the spot, only to feel the hardness of the machine on her fingers. She pushed a little, trying to get the eye to collide with the walls of her cranial cavity and soothe her itch a little, but she stopped when Weiss shifted, looking at her.

Luckily, she moved her hand away in time before Weiss noticed what she was doing.

It was her cross, she told herself again.

She had to bear the itch, it was wrong to feel relief.

"Cinder destroyed many lives, and she destroyed yours too, making you see how she caused the death of important people in your life. No one should judge you for hating her, is your right to feel like that."

And not only that, but she remembered the image of that same woman at her side, lying on the ground, bleeding, dying, and she knew in that instant that it was because of Cinder, and the scar was still there, painting the pale skin, a souvenir from the devil. She felt so much anger at that moment, felt like she was going to lose someone, again, and there she was, having passed out over a stupid mistake.

Weak, like always.

Those images were still there, in her head, even after she murdered Cinder.

It wasn't enough, killing her wasn't enough. There was no peace, there was nothing to erase those moments, death wasn't enough to destroy what wouldn't let her sleep at night.

Perhaps it was her own death that was necessary to end that suffering.

No, damn it, she deserved that suffering, she had to resist the urge to give up.

"Now you have to deal with the remnants of your revenge, just as I have to deal with my scar every day, the result of fighting back, but beyond that, deserve all the evil in the world because you think what you did was vile? That's not necessary. You did what you had to do, and I don't think you're a bad person for it, or else I would be too."

All the evil in the world.

Yes, that's what she felt.

Again, Weiss was getting inside her head, and it felt strange, but now it was a relief in a way. She wishes that everyone could understand her that easily, just like her partner did, but that was impossible.

There was only one Weiss in the world.

And was hers.

Of course, she was going to keep feeling that, she doubted that it would go away, but it was a relief that Weiss told her that.

The hand holding her twitched, holding her with more energy than before, while the light blue eyes looked at her, a smile on her pale face and a bunch of determination in her expression, in all her humanity.

Weiss had changed, yes, now she could feel real confidence surrounding her, not that fake mask she used to wear, to pretend to be the person her family wanted her to be.

She was proud that Weiss was her partner.

Their meeting in the Emerald Forest was, without a doubt, destiny.

"I told you that I would support you in everything, in any decision you made, and I have followed through to this day, even when everything was falling apart around us. But I'm not going to support you on that stupid mission you have to destroy yourself. Even if I have to pull your ear every time you start thinking stupid things."

She found herself laughing, laughing with genuine humor.

A laugh that hadn't left her mouth in years, real.

She really needed that conversation.

She didn't promise to silence those thoughts, because she thought it was impossible to do so, but it was nice to know that her mind would be calmer if Weiss was there to silence her. They were companions after all, they were destined to be next to each other, to help and accompany each other.

Yes, she didn't deserve Weiss, of course she didn't deserve her, but she didn't care, she was going to enjoy her partner existence.

She smiled too, but she doubted that it could surpass the smile Weiss was giving her, but it was what she could do at that second, and her partner deserve the best, so she was going to be the best for Weiss.

"I'm counting on you, Weiss."

Weiss nodded, her grip calmer now, softer, and she enjoyed the human touch.

Ruby felt that there was finally some peace inside her. Maybe it was true, she deserved the scar, the cross, the punishment, but maybe she also deserved good things after all.

She was going to be selfish about it.