a/n: The three times they made a mistake, and the one time they didn't.
-x-
Hands down, I'm too proud for love
But with eyes shut, it's you I'm thinkin' of
But how we move from A to B, it can't be up to me
'Cause you don't know, who I was before you
And basically, to see a change in me
I'd be losing, so I just ignore you, yeah
Oh, but you're on my mind
My mind, my mind, my mind, my mind
Oh, but maybe in time
In time, in time
I'll tell you I'm
A little bit, a little bit
A little bit in love with you
I guess that I'm a little bit, a little bit
A little bit in love with you
-x-
"Little Bit" Drake and Lykke Li
-x-
The first time it happens, it's a mistake.
He's drunk, she's drunk. Somehow, they end up at a love hotel. It's a shitty way to lose her hard-kept virginity, but no one cares as the series has already ended. He's not gonna get into any trouble with the PTA, being that the show hasn't aired at regular showtime hours for years now.
In the morning, they wake up. They shout at each other, and to their dismay, they find out that them being naked in one bed together is not actually an elaborate scheme to punish Gintoki for being a drunk. It's not a Scandal Arc Part 2 - but it somehow seems far more inappropriate than it really would be, if the Scandal Arc had been real.
After fifteen minutes of yelling at each other and accusing the other of taking advantage of each other's bodies, they finally calm down because their hangovers are starting to really hurt.
The adult part of them eventually kicks in after they get over their shock, and when they finally sit down at a Battle Royale Cafe, Tsukuyo lights up her pipe and says, "Let's pretend this never happened. I'll go to the chemist today, and get Plan B." Because Kami-sama knows that having some permy-haired kid out of wedlock is definitely out of the equation for now.
"Yeah, all right," Gintoki grunts, and sips his coffee. He pretends not to check out her boobs and the various bite marks he'd already forgotten about on her neck while she looks out of the window, blushing.
-x-
The second time is really just an honest accident.
"There's another variant of the love incense," Tsukuyo reports dryly over the phone. His first reaction is to hang up, but then she tells him Hinowa is going to pay him double if he - and not the kids - take care of it. As a precaution, of course. "Those bastards somehow got a version o' it and made it even worse than tha first one."
"How?" he asks, eyebrows furrowed. The first one was already bad enough.
"It's actually an potent aphrosidiac," she replies, and then her voice turns stern. "Anyways, you're not supposed ta burn any of it. Just dump 'em into some garbage heap or somewhere with polluted water."
"What is this, a porno?" Gintoki grumbles, but gets his ass to Yoshiwara anyway.
Both of them are extremely careful this time, and she's super careful not to smoke near the piles of it, especially while they are carting away the illegal heart shaped pieces of sex-enhancing drugs. Nobody wants another fire to spread in town again.
The problem is actually when they come back to Hinowa's shop, and Tsukuyo finally gets so irritated with Gintoki's shit-talking that she lights up her kiseru, only to find out that some of the residue from the aphrosidiac on her robes are extremely sensitive to flame.
He stomps the fire out, but by the time it goes out, he's feeling extremely hot and bothered.
So is she.
It only takes one look, one glance at her singed kimono to get him going, and suddenly, they're fucking in the back-alleys of Yoshiwara, his pants zipped down, and jackhammering away as if he's gonna die if he doesn't cum soon. His fingers pull her hair, and her nails dig into wall. It'd be a hilarious cliche, taken straight from a porn shoot or some NTR doujinshi if they both weren't so horny.
She moans, cheek pressed against the brick and mortar. With every stroke, she gets even wetter and slicker, until both of them cum.
He's still hard, though. And she's still wet.
"Let's do it again," she whines, and they do.
They fuck again and again, in various positions, trying to keep quiet in public until the side effects of the aphrosidiac run out. When the lucidity finally kicks in, they start yelling and apologizing to each other as if it was wholly possible to control themselves under the effects of the drug.
It's my fault, he yells. You were there and I didn't mean to, I wanted to close my eyes, but I didn't know what was going on -
I was the one smoking! she yells back. The only reason why the drug was activated was because of me.
They ping pong back and forth, before Gintoki gives up a sigh. Okay, it was your fault, then, he says, clearly irritated. Are you on birth control?
Of course I am, moron. There's no way I'd want your bastard, permed-hair children!
They yell a little bit more before storming off, flipping each other off, but not before they turn their heads making sure the other is okay. They're relieved that things are back to normal. After all, it was an accident.
-x-
The third time is more of an unfortunate coincidence, they maintain.
"It just happened," is the version they're telling themselves.
As in, he coincidentally meets her after her nighttime shift, and being a menace that he is, insists they are "friends". "Friends" that shares a drink and insists they can handle their drink, until they coincidentally are way too drunk to go back to Hinowa's shop, and the Hyakka smugly "helps" them into a teahouse room that coincidentally has only one futon, and then they both insist they can just sleep as "friends", platonically, in the same bed.
Friends, they said.
That is, until Tsukuyo loosens her obi, ostensibly to "go to sleep". She doesn't have pajamas, and changing in front of him sounds like an indecent proposition.
Unfortunately, loosening her sash while she's drunk and hands stumbling around means that accidents... happen.
Her breasts - definitely not on purpose - spill out, and somehow his hands roam towards them instinctively, because hey, he's drunk too, and then his thumbs stroke her nipples ever so lightly, enough to make her moan.
One thing turns into another, and then he's on top of her, hard and naked, and the two of them grip each other with dear life, panting and gasping as they make each other feel good. Her hair spills like golden sunshine onto the sheets and he drinks in the sounds of her voice, calling his name as he pounds into her.
She's starting to remember what he likes in bed; her nails are running down his back, legs pulling him closer to her. They kiss like they're not friends. She cums hard on his cock, shaking so much that he pins her down and fucks her through her orgasm, right until he cums inside of her, and then both of them are trembling. Breathing hard. Staring into each others' eyes and then some sort of sobriety kicks in, in the midst of their drunken shenanigans - and they're thinking - Oh, shit.
This isn't part of the plan, they think.
He rolls off, and says, "We should go to sleep," as if they haven't been fucking each others' brains out for the last hour or so. Or two weeks. Or...
"Y-yeah," she stammers, and turns her back, trying to ignore the fact that his cum is inside of her.
"We were drunk," he replies. "S-so."
"Yeah," she agrees.
Fortunately the booze and orgasms puts an end to any further discussion, and they both drift off to sleep. It's next morning that Tsukuyo is simultaneously hurt and relieved that Gintoki has gotten out of bed before she has - which means she won't have to come up with some weird excuse to her subordinates. They don't ask any questions, and she doesn't need to answer their curious glances.
This is fine. It means nothing.
She's got a city to manage, she tells herself in the morning. And anyways, he's an unemployed loser, she adds.
It's not like she expects something substantial out of these accidental... trysts. A relationship? She laughs. The Courtesan of Death has no use for such things, even if it is with the Savior of Yoshiwara.
-x-
There isn't a fourth time, because he's ignoring her.
Not that it matters, Tsukuyo tells herself, once two weeks pass by and he hasn't stopped by Yoshiwara, not even once.
She's stupid to think that sex matters, especially in the town that she's protected all her life. In Yoshiwara, it's transactional action.
For a lot of men, sex is a way to pass time. To most of the women living here, sex is a way to extract money from stupid men.
Still, it bothers her. She's always valued her friendship with Gintoki, and whatever they are right now, she doesn't want him to hate her. She knows that sex makes things inherently complicated between men and women, and part of her fears going in any deeper before their friendship is irrevocably broken.
There'd always been a bit of a physical attraction between the two of them, she thinks to herself ruefully, but they'd always been so careful to ignore it.
Right until they started drinking with each other, it'd been fine, really. How could they have been so careless? The first time they slept together was akin to opening Pandora's box.
She wasn't sure if she could close the lid on it anymore.
"Tsukki, is something wrong?"
Hinowa's looking at her.
"Nothin's wrong," Tsukuyo mumbles.
Her big sister sighs. "Don't lie to me." They're at a cafe, ostensibly on her "break". Tsukuyo hasn't touched her green tea flavored cream puff, but the slice of lemon meringue pie from Hinowa's end is melting from the warm spring day. The sun is shining, from the window that Gintoki opened for all of them long ago.
"I'm not lying," she says, but somehow, she knows it's a futile exercise.
"No, but you're hiding something." Hinowa places a hand over hers. "I'd hope you trust me to tell me about it, rather than to hold it all in."
It's an old courtesan trick, using physical touch to coax out secrets of others. Tsukuyo's been on the receiving end of it more than a few times, but today, it's only a few seconds before her resistance crumbles.
"I think I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back," she says quietly, and somehow, saying it out loud hurts even worse than thinking it inside her head.
"Oh, Tsukki," Hinowa sighs, and her beautiful blue eyes crease in worry. She knows exactly who Tsukuyo is referring to. "That's not true at all."
"But he hasn't visited here for two weeks," Tsukuyo says, and something even more painful stabs her in the chest. "I think he's tryin' ta ignore me."
"I don't think he's ignoring you," Hinowa says. Her thumb gently circles the back of Tsukuyo's hand. "Y'know, a lot of the courtesans here have tried to seduce him, you know. But he never did sleep with any of them, no matter how drunk he was. And I don't think that's an accident."
"So why... " Tsukuyo swallows. "So why do you think he hasn't visited here lately?"
"I don't know," Hinowa admits. "But I think it's probably himself that he's avoiding, rather than you. I just don't think he's the kind of man who'd want to hurt your feelings."
Tsukuyo doesn't know if she's right, but she also knows that not knowing the truth bothers her more than him possibly hurting her feelings.
So she decides to take action.
-x-
He doesn't answer the doorbell when she presses it.
The Yorozuyas aren't home.
Part of her is relieved that she doesn't have to confront the issue head on. But another part of her is frustrated.
Tsukuyo is more of a problem-solver; she's not into ambiguity. Back when she'd thought Gintoki was a man who couldn't be tied down to one woman, she'd been content to let her feelings remain unrequited. Her role in his life, however small it had been, had been defined by a sense of mutual companionship and understanding.
But now they've added sex into the equation. Not once, but three times.
Obviously that had changed the dynamic between them. Doing it once was a mistake. Maybe even twice could have been explained away. But the third time...
It wasn't as much of a mistake as they'd wanted it to be. Not really.
She sighs and taps her boots, trying to think about what her options are from now on. Because she's not really sure of where to go from here.
The best scenario is if they can still remain friends, and put all of this behind them.
She's already considered that a possibility - that maybe Gintoki might lust after her physically, but would desire none of the emotional aspects of returning her feelings. It would hurt her, but she would live. Some folks weren't designed to have relationships, and she's certain that he's part of that configuration of people. After all, Sacchan's been pursuing him for years now, and gotten nowhere. If he wanted to be with someone, he would've gotten into a relationship by now.
As for her, Tsukuyo had known that it could only be him who could ever possibly fill that part of her life. Which would a lot of pressure to put on him, she realizes.
Personally, she would never want to pressure him into something he didn't want. He wasn't anyone's ideal guy - everyone would agree to that - but he deserved to live life on his own terms. If it meant that her feelings would be unreciprocated - she would accept that, she thinks.
But until that's all confirmed, she needs an answer. One that she can't get if he ignores her for the time being.
Fortunately, she hears a few footsteps coming down near Otose's Snack house, and her ears perks up. The three of them are carrying groceries. Even though Tsukuyo's not in the best of moods, she can't help but to smile at the sight of Kagura and Shinpachi bantering with Gintoki.
That's his family right there. And she smiles, because she knows the joy of having a found family too - before Hinowa was set free and allowed to be Seita's mother, she was mostly alone. And now she's not, thanks to Gintoki.
When their eyes meet, the smile slips off his face and his eyes grow cool, which makes her nervous. But Tsukuyo has faced death more times than she can count, and so she calmly says to him, "Gintoki, Hinowa has a job for ya. She sent me to talk to ya about it."
In a second his eyes flash, and he nods, knowing that this is a little bit more than just a visit. "You guys mind putting the groceries away?" he asks, and hand the bag to his adopted daughter. Kagura glances at the two of them slyly, her eyes twinkling, but then she giggles and grabs Shinpachi's hand, making sure that the teen doesn't ask too many unnecessary questions.
Once the kids disappear into the apartment he slides the door shut. And then Gintoki's voice comes out, hard and curt. "Why are you really here?"
There's a flash of hurt and anger that passes through her before she squashes it. She's not here to get emotional. She's here to clear the bad air between them, even she wants nothing more to stab him with all the kunais in the world.
"I was wondering why you hadn't visited for a while."
"I was busy," he says, and his voice is flat. Right away she can tell he's like a wary animal, careful not to offend her.
"Right," Tsukuyo replies softly. "Well - if that's all done now, then maybe you can come ta Yoshiwara tomorrow. There's an all-ya-can-eat lunch buffet at the Ritzy Carton's Hotel, near the entrance. Ya can take yer kids if ya want. Hinowa's got a few vouchers from an old client of hers, and she doesn't want 'em to expire."
Now his expression looks more bewildered than anything else. "Oh, okay."
This is her version of a peace offering. A sort of compromise to their recently rocky relationship, a reassurance that she doesn't expect anything more from him. Tsukuyo won't pressure him into something he doesn't want.
And it seems to work, because he finally relaxes, and then even says, "Well, I got paid today, so maybe we could go out for a coffee? My treat. To repay you for the buffet tickets."
Right away, she wants to say no. To reiterate that she does not see him as a boyfriend, and this seems like a proposition for...
A date.
But because the offer catches her off guard, and she doesn't want to rock the boat, she nods. "Yeah, sure."
-x-
"If Sacchan finds out I've been on an outin' with ya, she'll throw a fit," Tsukuyo says as she sips her caramel macchiato. She's decided to be adventurous this time, instead of her usual black coffee.
"Screw her," Gintoki replies, and digs into his parfait. "And anyways, she's got other options than me, if she ever decides to get her eyes checked."
"Mm."
"So, what's the big deal? You usually wouldn't want to come all the way to the surface for a bunch of expiring buffet vouchers."
Her hand grips the handle of the her mug a bit more tightly. "Well. I just figured that we'd talk about... tha situation... like adults. Y'know. Just to clear the air, now that yer not too busy." Because having sex multiple times in succession while denying an obvious physical and emotional chemistry was starting to bother her. And if she's being honest, she knows that it probably has to bother him too; he's just not the type of person who would leave someone hanging by a thread.
Instantly, his face shifts into something neutral, and Tsukuyo knows she's got to lead the discussion this time. There's a look that she sees in his eyes sometimes; like someone closing the shutters from the windows. Like the time where things got personal, too personal, and he'd withdraw to whatever metaphorical shell inside of him.
She doesn't want to pick a fight with him, not anymore. She just wants things to go back to what they used to be.
It's going to hurt, but one of them has to pull the trigger. Otherwise, they'll stay in this limbo forever, and remain awkward and quiet like teenagers - which sounds like hell.
"Uh-huh. And what do you think?"
She bites her lip. "Well, the first time, it was an accident. And so was the second. But the third... "
"I just think we probably shouldn't put ourselves in situations that involves alcohol," he says cuttingly. "The common denominator here was either that or being under that weird incense thing. So as long as we stay away from that, we'll be fine."
"Right."
Tsukuyo shouldn't feel this disappointed. She's steeled herself for this outcome, and has told herself a thousand times that Gintoki isn't the type to be tied down to a woman. He's someone that everyone loves, and has an equal amount of platonic love to share with everyone around him. She can't allow herself to be greedy, to want more than what he can give her, because that's simply not fair.
What he's given her is an answer she doesn't like, but needs. And she, unlike Sarutobi, can read between the lines.
He doesn't want her. Emotionally. Or even physically, without a need of a drug to lower his self-control.
She takes a deep breath. Sips her coffee. Calmly.
She can't let him know that his answer has hurt her feelings, because that would hurt him too. She feigns a sigh of relief, and then raises her eyes to look at him. "We'd be a horrible couple anyway," she comments lightly.
She's perplexed to see a look of disappointment in his eyes, but it's gone in a flash, and anyways, his voice suggests differently. "Exactly," Gintoki replies cheerfully. "You're a workaholic, and I'm an unemployed thirty year old man. It would never work out."
This is for the better, both of them think.
-x-
They walk out of the cafe, supposedly in a better mood. Tsukuyo doesn't think she'll go home and cry, because she's never really entertained such indulgences in her life, but she doesn't think she's exactly happy, either. It's an odd mix of relief and disappointment to get an answer from him, even if it's not really the answer she wanted all along.
The weather outside has turned dark and gloomy, which fits her emotions to a tee perfectly. Perhaps it's an omen, she muses.
"I can walk you to the bus station," Gintoki offers. "It's a route that'll take you straight to Yoshiwara; the district just opened up a new one near Kabuki-chou."
"Sure," she says, because if they're going to remain friends, she can't exactly be rude to him. Not yet. Right now, it feels like they're in a metaphorical purgatory, the stage between friends and lovers, and bantering like they're friends seems like a level that they have to work to get towards again.
She wants something absurd to happen again - for him to start cracking some lewd joke, or for him to objectify her as a woman in some way - but none of it happens. He just walks slightly ahead of her, keeping quiet.
It reminds her of a time, looking at his back. Three or four years ago. The first time the love incense had spread across Yoshiwara, and somehow he'd gotten roped into it.
When it comes to a woman I really want, I can't do it like I usually do.
She had, delusionally, at the time, somehow assumed it applied to her. That assumption had lasted for two seconds until he started acting like a total fucking idiot, but it'd been nice while it lasted. The shojo bubbles had popped up for a bit, like she was the main heroine of a girly shojo manga and he was her prince.
More like a Prince of Snot, Tsukuyo scoffed privately to herself. Gintoki would have made a horrible member of any royal family.
Still.
She doesn't remember every detail of the sex they've had, but what she can say is that Gintoki, despite his flaws, is an objectively attractive person. Not only is he physically strong - probably one of the strongest men she's ever met - he's also mentally strong. She's seen him stand up when other people would have died or given up.
It's something to admire about him, even if he'll never be hers.
There's a crack of thunder in the sky, and droplets of rain start to fall. At first, they both ignore it - a little bit of rain never hurt anyone - but then eventually the droplets turn into drizzle, and then it quickly turns into torrents, and after a few minutes their clothes are absolutely drenched.
They stand under a canopy of a building, shivering from the cold.
"This sucks," Gintoki complains. "D'ya have cash for a taxi? Most of 'em only take cash around these parts."
Tsukuyo shakes her head.
"It'll take an hour to get back to my place at this rate," he grumbles, running his fingers through his curly hair. "And in this kind of weather..."
She checks the weather forecast on her phone, and it says the rain won't clear up until next morning. Ketsuno Ana pops on her screen, telling the Edo inhabitants near their district not to go out driving at this time, as there's been a traffic jam that has clogging up the highway because of the bad weather. She estimates that it will take three hours to clear up, by which time Tsukuyo will definitely miss her shift for work.
"Fuck!" he swears. "I keep forgetting it's monsoon season around this time of year. That bus won't come here for a long time."
Tsukuyo sighs. "So what should we do? I can't afford ta catch a cold, and - and ya look miserable, too... "
Their eyes meet, and then they turn around.
They're in front of a hotel.
"Um - " Gintoki, to her mortification, turns pink. "Maybe w-we could go get some umbrellas from the convenience store. Y'know. And then we could walk to my place. Shinpachi makes a great cup of hot chocolate."
"Y-yeah," she agrees.
Then a man walks past them, with his umbrella folding backwards from the wind. They watch the stranger struggle with the umbrella for half a minute, until a powerful gust of wind blows the damn thing away, and the man curses the sky right until he chooses to go back inside to the building that he came out of.
Tsukuyo would laugh if the situation wasn't so ridiculous. And dire.
She's cold, wet, and next to a guy she's miserably in love with - but he doesn't want her. And their only choice is to go and dry off in a hotel room together. Which, historically, has led to some very questionable outcomes.
But the situation doesn't leave her with any good options.
"We'll just have ta make do with what we've got," Tsukuyo says, resigned. "And - " Her eyes flash uneasily. " - we're not drunk, or under some weird incense, so I think we'll be okay." If she's going to address the white elephant in the room, better now than later.
He likes her suggestion as much as she does, but he's also a pragmatist. "Okay."
-x-
There's only one room available. And there's only one bed.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," Tsukuyo mutters under the breath. She's convinced at this point that the universe is playing a huge, cruel joke on her. She's tough, but she doesn't know how much more of this she can take, and if something else piles up on top of this shitshow, she'll start throwing a fit soon.
"I'm sorry, madam," the receptionist apologizes, bowing profusely for the inconvenience. "If you'd like, I can look up other rooms at other locations, but they might be a bit far away in this weather - "
"Book it," Gintoki says, his face cross. Tsukuyo feels guilty, for forcing him into this situation, but she's in desperate need for a hot shower and a fluffy robe. She passes her credit card to the receptionist, who then gives a sheet of paper outlining the check-out times and a card key for the room.
The elevator ride is silent. She can't tell what he's thinking right now, but she wishes that he could read her apologetic thoughts - so that she'd at least feel less guilty for being responsible for this.
When she slides the card key into the holder, the door opens to reveal a stock-standard hotel room - one queen sized bed, a desk, a TV, and a bathroom. There's a full-body mirror next to the desk, and a remote for the air conditioner near the light switches. It's all very typical of a normal hotel room, and ordinarily, Tsukuyo would be enjoying some time off alone. She's naturally introverted, and sometimes being part of a family means there are extra commitments that she can't escape from on her days off - like tutoring Seita, or making sure Hinowa gets to her doctors' appointments on time.
But she's not here alone.
She's with the one person that she really needs to not be alone with right now.
Fortunately, being the leader of the Hyakka means she's good at compartmentalizing her thoughts. She switches her brain to one of a working professional. "Take the shower," she offers. "I have ta make a phone call to my subordinates - to tell 'em that I'll be late to work tonight."
He nods, and slinks into the bathroom. To her relief she spots two bathrobes hanging from a hook inside, right before he shuts the door. She doesn't miss the click of the lock.
She gives the short rundown of what happens - conveniently omitting the fact that the reason why she's on the surface is because of Gintoki - and her subordinates reassure her that they're more than capable of doing their patrol rounds without her leadership for a night or two.
Then she makes another call to Hinowa, to tell her that she won't be home for dinner tonight. Unfortunately, her big sister happens to pick up on her tone of voice and changes the subject to something she is absolutely not interested in discussing.
"There's absolutely no reason you can't try to seduce him again," Hinowa says cheerfully, which makes her blush hotly. "Men are men, and Gintoki is no different - "
"Hinowa," Tsukuyo says quietly, and it makes the other woman stop. "I got my answer, fair and square. It ain't the one I want, but I'm tryin' to get on with it, alright?"
There's a pause on the phone, right before Hinowa sighs. "If you say so."
She mercifully changes the subject. They chat for a little bit before Hinowa asks her to run a few more errands on the surface tomorrow - and then Tsukuyo hangs up not too long afterwards. She shucks off her wet stockings, and tries to dry her clothes off as best as she can without taking them off, patting her work kimono with a hand towel. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing.
Bored, she flicks through the TV - but instantly turns it off once she finds most of the channels showcase soft pornos of some sort. She realizes, blushing, that this is actually a love hotel. It's a posh love hotel, actually, because it doesn't smell like sex or look as seedy as the ones she's used to. She walks around and looks into the closets, and doesn't find the normal collection of sex toys that would normally be for open use in any Yoshiwaran love hotel. There are condoms, yes, in the drawer of the night stand - but they all come in standard size, and of only one variety, instead of the multiple choices of flavors and latex-free materials that would be offered for customers to use where she's from.
Since when did they make such love hotels so... sterile? She frowns, and then reminds herself that she's not in Yoshiwara anymore. Usually, these kind of places would have neon signs and garish decorations - which is probably why she thought it looked like a normal hotel at first and not a love hotel.
She curses under her breath. This isn't ideal for anyone.
She sits in the chair, and sighs to herself.
Gintoki's taking a long time in the shower. Not that she's complaining, because she's not exactly sure what they'll talk about in a hotel room. Her hand fidgets around, tapping the arm of her chair. She wishes she was at work instead. Or anywhere else. Even being able to smoke would have been better than sitting quietly, waiting for him to come out.
He finally pops out of the bathroom with the steam clouding up the front entrance. A towel is wrapped around his waist, and she tries her very best not to stare too hard.
"Sorry for taking so long. It's actually been four days time since I've taken a shower," he explains, and in response, Tsukuyo wrinkles her nose. "It's all yours now."
He's gross, and he knows she thinks he's gross, so he grins as she makes her way past him. "Don't let the door hit you on your way out," he teases, and she rolls her eyes.
Even in a surreal situation like this, he has to be a total asshole. She closes the door, and takes a deep breath once she's inside the bathroom. She resists the urge to scream.
Maybe this is going to be fine. I mean, we'll order some room service or get something from the vending machine; watch the news until it's time to go to bed like an old couple who doesn't fuck anymore. And then we'll sleep on the far edges of the bed for just a night, and once the rain clears up, we'll be friends again.
She feels better once she's in the shower. The hot water is heavenly on her skin, and she allows herself to linger there a lot longer than she normally would, because she's dreading the night ahead. She dries off, wipes the foggy mirror off with a towel, and checks her reflection.
The scar on her cheek is as prominent as ever, even though it's faded a little over time. She's always seen it as ugly - but not in a way that makes her ashamed of it. On the contrary, she's always been proud of ugly it was; it's a tangible symbol that proves she's forsaken her womanhood to devote to an ideal. That ideal was for her to give up everything she wanted in exchange for the ability to protect the people she loved.
But now she's wondering if it's metaphorically ugly to Gintoki - like if the scar represents something to him that tells him that he shouldn't be interested in her romantically.
You have a pretty face, and a clean soul.
She supposes he meant it superficially at the time. She'd doubted her path once, and he'd reassured her that she was fine.
She sighs, pressing her temples together with the palm of her hands. All of his kind words hurt now, she thinks.
Maybe that's why she's taking it harder than she expected. Because aside from the sex - which had awoken a desire in her for something more than friendship - she'd thought that they'd had a lot in common.
It was the hope, from his kind words, that had caused her to fall harder than she'd ever meant to.
Tsukuyo shakes her head. She doesn't want to carry her depressive thoughts into the room. She takes a deep breath, dons a clean bathrobe, and steels her way out, opening the knob of the bathroom.
The cool air is refreshing, and she finds Gintoki eating a caramel pudding with a spoon, sitting in front of the TV on top of the bed. For some reason, the channel has landed on a Doraemon rerun. She's grateful he isn't boorish enough to turn on a nasty porno, although she suspects that if he was here by himself, he'd probably help himself to one of those hardcore BDSM flicks.
"Where'd ya get the pudding?" she asks.
"Mini-fridge," he says, not taking his eyes off the screen.
"You're payin' for that," she grumbles.
"Whatever," he replies easily, and finishes the rest of it in one gulp. Then he turns to her, ostensibly to say something, until his mouth closes. And opens again. And closes.
"What?" Tsukuyo asks irritably. Sure, maybe her hair is damp and a little frizzy from the shower, but it's not like she can be bothered to pin it up again. Once she's scrubbed clean, she's done for the day. No more heels, or fishnet stockings, or tanto belt, wrapped around her waist. The Courtesan of Death is officially closed for business.
"N-nothing," he says, but for some reason, his eyes are glued to her. And then she realizes that he's looking at her cleavage peeking from under her bathrobe, as if he thinks she won't notice.
She smacks him on the forehead. "Pervert!"
He winces, and rubs his head. "A bit too late for that, don't ya think, Tsukki?" Against her will, she remembers a time where his... thing... had been slipping in and out, between her breasts, back when the incense had basically forced them to act like animals in heat. She remembers the gutteral moan that he let out when he came all over her, his seed spilling all over her face, tits and neck; it causes her to flush at the memory.
Tsukuyo absolutely hates that the physical memory of getting a facial from him is making her hot and bothered. She hates that sometimes, at night, the memory of his body on top of hers, hands gripping her waist is the only thing that'll help her go to sleep, aided with her quick fingers.
But right now, he's looking at her - despite the head damage that she's inflicted on him - as if she's the most delicious thing he's ever seen. He's trying to undress her with his eyes, even though he knows it's going to get him a head full of kunai.
Her mouth turns dry.
Neither of them are drunk. Or under the influence of anything. She shoudn't want him to this degree, to press his chest to hers, to kiss him and make him hers.
She swallows once. And then twice.
There's a pause, that lingers. The tension is thick. It feels like - despite their conversation of this afternoon - of moving on, and them very carefully trying to tread this balance of being friends - or not friends - all of it is untenable. In fact, the unspoken limitations has made it even worse. The more tells herself that she can't have him, the more she wants him.
Gintoki is still looking at her. His eyes are fixated on the crook of her bathrobe, where the rope tying it together is keeping it all in place.
Tsukuyo isn't stupid. As a person who's often on the receiving end of lecherous stares - all while trying to do her job, no less - she knows when someone is looking at her in a way that isn't just comprised of innocent curiosity. And though the man across from her is usually a master of disguising his own feelings, right now she can see the full range of emotions running across his face - an odd mixture of vulnerability and desperation; of desire and guilt, all at the same time.
He wants me, she belatedly realizes. As soon as she knows he's replaying all those memories of them in his head, doing this and that together, something clicks in her brain.
Tsukuyo - despite her hot-headedness, and impatience - isn't half as impulsive as Gintoki is. She makes a calculated decision on the spot.
She can't help but to lean in.
"Hey, Gintoki... "
His eyes blink slowly, and then drag to hers. "Yeah?" he asks, his voice a little more ragged than normal.
"I always liked it when ya were a pervert," she confesses, and drags his hand to one of her breasts.
His reaction is instantaneous.
Gintoki turns a bright maroon, snatching his hand away. "Tsukki, what the hell are you doing? I'm not asking for a beating, you crazy woman!"
He's breathing hard. Tsukuyo is oddly, much more calm about this.
She's in control.
"I didn't think the Savior of Yoshiwara was a coward," she says mildly. "Or is he too scared to bed the Courtesan of Death, after he took her precious virginity?"
"I didn't mean to!" he yelps, and scoots away from her with his back pressed to the wall as if she's going to attack him at any minute. "It was a mistake. We were drunk. Even you said it yourself."
"Then what about last time?" she snaps back. "Why would ya want ta repeat your mistakes? In my world, people who screw up three times go to jail. I'm just asking ya for some honesty, damn it."
He opens his mouth, and then closes it.
She glares at him, and doesn't let him off the hook before he sighs.
"You don't love me, Tsukuyo. I'm fucked up inside; I'm not your knight in shining armor," he says quietly. "I'll admit that I did those things at the time because I wanted to, and because it felt good, but in the long run, you don't wanna be with a guy like me."
"Then you're s'posed to give me a choice instead of makin' it for me!" Tsukuyo exclaims, and his eyes widen in surprise. "I know you're an asshole most o' the time, and I know that ya don't pay the rent, or treat most people with respect. I ain't a fool. But if you're going ta sleep with a woman more than once, at least do the right thing and tell her how you feel. Emotionally, that is."
"Tsukuyo... "
"Well, go on then," she says, her hands gripping the sheets. "I'm a big girl. I can handle it, ya know. Tell me how you feel so that I can make my own decisions."
Wanting to sleep with someone is different from loving someone, she knows that. She tenses up, waiting for the truth. She doesn't think she can handle being friends with benefits, because they can't even be normal friends with this sexual tension hanging over their heads.
He helplessly looks at anywhere but her. He looks at the lamps, the sheets, even the rug beneath their feet, right before he opening his mouth and saying something inaudible to her ears.
"Can't hear ya," Tsukuyo says impatiently, mouth slanted.
"I said, I think I'm in love with you," he mumbles, and then there's a long pause hanging in the air.
Whatever she's expected - this wasn't it.
She sucks in a quick breath. "Oh."
He stares at her ruefully, as if he's expected her lukewarm reaction - and then looks away. "The third time wasn't an accident," he admits softly. "You were right. I was trying to ignore you."
"But why?"
"Because I'm fucked up three ways from Sunday, Tsukki." Gintoki nervously cards his fingers through his hair. "The person that I was before you met me... you wouldn't want to know the things I've done. It's fine for now, because I can protect the people I care about, but one day, you'll get sick of my shit and I don't know if I can handle that."
"I'm already sick of your bullshit," Tsukuyo counters. "You need ta start wearin' socks with your boots, for one, 'cause yer feet stink. But if you want to compare emotional baggage, at least you weren't nine when you decided ta cut up your face."
"To be fair, it's a pretty badass scar."
"Gintoki."
"It's also incredibly sexy," he says, shrugging. "I mean, I get why dudes stare at you when you're out kicking their asses."
"I hadn't noticed."
"Of course you wouldn't, you're too busy saving a city."
She opens her mouth to respond, but he turns his head and looks out of the window. "Huh. I think the rain isn't so bad now."
She wonders why he's suddenly talking about the weather, until he gets off the bed. "I guess I'll leave you alone now. I don't wanna... y'know. Impose my stay." He clears his throat, and there's a pink blush on his cheeks.
Something kicks into her brain, and Tsukuyo grabs the sleeve of his bathrobe. "No, wait... "
He turns around, with a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
She swallows and says, "Stay."
His Adam's apple bobs up and down. A trickle of sweat runs down his forehead; she knows that an inner dilemma is going on inside his head. "Tsukuyo, there's no way I can do that right now."
She doesn't back down. "Do I scare you?" she challenges him.
Gintoki shakes his head, his voice thick with desire. "Not in a way that'd make me want you any less."
She pulls his arm towards her, slowly. He lets her do so, his eyes drinking her in. He sinks back into the mattress, his thigh touching hers, and now they're closer than ever in this room.
They know what's going to happen.
Still, there's a moment of uncertainty. Tsukuyo can tell he's nervous - and she tries to reassure him by placing a hand on his neck, looking him in his eyes. She doesn't think she's ready to tell him that she loves him, not yet, but she hopes that he'll be able to figure it out soon enough.
"Y'know, Gintoki... "
He swallows. "Yeah?"
"I think the universe is tellin' me that I'm exactly where I need ta be," Tsukuyo says softly, and leans into him, pressing her lips to his. She can feel his heartbeat under her fingertips, resting on his neck, and suddenly it feels like she can breathe again, made whole and new once more.
Gintoki's lips feel like a dream against hers - not that it's the first, or second, or even third time that she's done this. But something tells her it doesn't have to be frantic for tonight, unlike all the other nights. He stills beneath her for a few seconds, right until his hands slide up to cup her chin; it feels like he's breathing her in like oxygen.
He deepens the kiss, and she responds by letting him in. They've done this before. Maybe their bodies were the first to know what they should have been doing in the first place, but finally - after all those years of pining, of keeping their feelings a secret - their hearts and minds have caught up with each other. It feels right. Like they were made for each other.
They separate for a moment, and she blinks. They look at each other, through lidded eyes and long lashes. Then Gintoki reaches for her, pulls her in even closer, and they're kissing again. This time there's a little bit more heat, a little bit more urgency. He slips a hand down her neck, down to her clavicles, and then his fingers trace the edge of her bathrobe.
"Can I... ?" he whispers, and she nods. "Please."
His hands slips under the fabric, and gently squeezes her breasts; a thumb lightly grazes over her nipple. She feels it pebbling under her touch as she clings desperately to his shoulders, biting her lip to stifle her gasp of pleasure, all derived from his hand.
He touches her everywhere, mouth tasting everywhere it can reach - first, he kisses her neck, her ears, and then to the crook of her jawline. This kind of foreplay is far slower, more extensive than the last few times they've been together in bed, and she groans as he nibbles and sucks on all her erogenous zones. She's so distracted that she barely notices when he tugs her bathrobe off, revealing her nude body under the dimming hotel lights.
Her past self would have been embarrassed, maybe. But with Gintoki's hands on her waist, and his kisses on her skin, pressing her back onto the mattress, all she feels is that she's seen - perceived in the only way that she's ever wanted from him. To be his woman, his one and only.
She pulls him closer to her, slotting their bodies so that their hips grind against each other. Pretty soon, his bathrobe slips off, too, and then when their bare skin collides, it's like an electric shock running through her veins. His chest is hard and toned on top of hers, and his scars - which are numerous and of various sizes - only serve to turn her on. Her skin is just as blemished and marred, like his.
His lips never leaves hers, hot and searing, exploring every corner of her mouth. His hands, which have protected her time and time again, now caress her with all the softness of a lover.
When his fingers reaches the seam of her sex, she feels like every molecule of her body is vibrating.
Gintoki nudges his index towards her clit, and his voice is gentle when he asks her, "Here?"
She nods. Her body feels like a livewire, ready to go off at any second, and as he slowly circles her bundle of nerves, her hands grip the sheets in anticipation.
He hovers his mouth over her breast, tongue flicking out.
She moans.
Gintoki continues to replicate the patterns he must've picked up from the last time they've been together - or so she guesses - because she is starting to remember what it felt like to be under his mercy, like this. It all feels vaguely familiar - from the way he pins her down against the wall against the bed, not letting her escape from him as he pleasures her.
A pressure is starting to build.
He doesn't let up the pace of his fingers, and nor does he speed it up unnecessarily. He simply continues to stroke her, stoking the fires so hot that she feels like she's going to burn into oblivion, like a star. Everything is too intense, and she's starting to lose all control of her mental faculties, panting as he coaxes every bit of pleasure as he can from her body.
Her eyes roll back. Her spine arches.
It's too good, everything feels too good.
She opens her mouth several times, in an attempt to tell him to stop - but every time she does, the words won't come out. Instead, it's a mixture of curses, high-pitched moans, and gasps that he - infuriatingly enough - takes as encouragement to go even further than before.
When he finally, finally dips his finger inside of her, she shatters into a million pieces, letting out a piercing cry.
The white hot crescendo of pleasure comes in waves. For a moment, she barely registers where she is, the heat leaving her in a state of delirium. Her thighs clamp down on his hand, quivering like a leaf, and it feels like she's been moaning for him for hours, right until he finally pulls away his palm from her.
When everything subsides, she finds Gintoki staring unabashedly at her.
She'd expected him to be smug, but instead, there's only an expression of amazement on his face. And worshipful gratitude.
He leans in, thumbs her scar. "You're so beautiful," he says quietly.
The intensity of his sentiment surprises her, so much that she nervously laughs in response.
"With my face like that?" Tsukuyo asks, a little self-conscious. She feels like it's been contorted into ridiculous proportions.
He shakes his head. "Nah. I always liked the way you looked when you came. Felt like I achieved something."
She would blush, if she wasn't feeling so spent. Instead, she does something better, like kissing him. Giving him permission to go further, because tonight she wants to go all the way.
They reconfigure their positions. There's a natural momentum to their movements - pillow under her head, hips shifted to meet his, covers pushed aside. Once they're settled in, she doesn't think she's ever been more ready for him to be inside of her.
"Do I need... " he asks, gesturing towards the nightstand, where the condoms are stored. She shakes her head, making him smile for the briefest of moments before he spreads her legs and presses his cock to her entrance, now slick with arousal.
He's bigger than she remembers, but it doesn't matter because he moves in slowly. Both of them are holding their breaths, until he bottoms out, stretching her out and filling her completely. None of it feels uncomfortable for her - in fact, the sensation is rather lovely. But she can tell it's not quite the same experience for him.
"Don't move," he warns her, gritting his teeth. "Otherwise no one's gonna be happy."
She bites her lip, trying not to laugh when she realizes how close he is to coming.
He takes a few deep breaths before he rests his forehead against her. She can almost feel his silvery lashes touching her eyelids. "Don't be so smug, my courtesan of death. I've seen you come more than once because of me."
His words causes desire to lace straight into her core. But she feels compelled to play along, regardless of how sexy he makes her feel. "Of course, my lord. How could I be so arrogant?"
He groans, and it causes her to shudder, ever so slightly. "I need you to stop talking. And moving."
She smiles, and keeps silent, letting him set the pace. At first, he moves at a glacial tempo, almost as if he's teasing her with how good it feels. She's tempted to wriggle her hips, but keeps them in one place, choosing to bite her lip as the pleasure builds up slowly, but steadily.
He runs his hands up and down her body, having his fill of her while taking his time. She shudders when he palms her breasts, squeezing them and plucking her nipples.
"Is this okay?" he asks, and Tsukuyo nods. It's more than okay.
They move in tandem like they've got all the time in the world.
His hands wrap around her waist, and after a while, he gets them to a rhythm that is both smooth but maddening. She wants more, but doesn't push him. Instead, she slides her hands behind his back, pressing him closer. He responds by nipping her neck, causing her hips to jerk up suddenly.
He feels like an inferno, burning up like fire. She wonders if he feels the same about her.
Gintoki tilts his head once again to kiss her, and then they don't come back for air for several moments. It's hard to breathe - but hell, this is child's play compared to what they've gone through before. She becomes more vocal the faster he thrusts, which incentivizes him to go even harder.
It gets messier. They grind against each other, finding an optimal spot to work themselves up. He shortens his thrusts; fucking her with snappy movements of his hips, causing her breasts to bounce. She can feel herself getting wetter and tighter - a telltalle sign of her incoming orgasm. A familiar heat builds in her belly, and she digs her fingers into his back. The room fills up with the smell of sex, their quiet moans, and the slick sounds of their bodies, slapping against each other.
It doesn't take long until Tsukuyo knows she's going to come.
With each press and twist and moan, he refines his process. He quickly figures out that if he angles his thrusts right there, her gasps increase in volume. He listens to her, and holds her tight without letting her slip out of her grasp; and then he relentlessly attacks her in that same spot, right until she wails, clenching her muscles hard and gripping him so hard that it almost throws him off.
She can feel her body contracting around him as she comes, and for a few seconds, she thinks there is nothing she can hold on to - nothing, until she realizes she is in the arms of a man who loves her, and instantly, she feels safe once again.
He doesn't stop thrusting in her, prolonging the sweet aftershocks of her orgasm - but his hips are starting to follow an erratic pattern.
He's starting to come, too.
"Is - is it okay if I - " There's a brief look of panic in his eyes, and Tsukuyo nods quickly.
"Yeah, come inside me," she pants, a little out of breath, but still intoxicated with every part of him.
He moans against her throat, riding the high of his own wave, and she closes her eyes. She can feel him pulsing inside of her, and savors the erotic sensation of his cum filling her up while he's grinding and jerking against her body. She wants to memorize every part of this - even if she knows that this is only the first honest encounter out of many to come. She wants them to come together next time, like the way he once propositioned her a long time ago.
When he finally stills, the only sounds left is their breathing - his a bit heavier than hers, but there's a peace and calm between them that hasn't existed since... forever.
Neither of them want to move. Her limbs are still entertwined with his, and she can feel his heartbeat thudding against her skin. Their hands are clasped together, and she wants this feeling, this lightness and clarity between them - to last forever. To be infinite.
He finally nuzzles her neck, humming a little before resting his cheek against hers. "I think that was the best one yet," he says in a low voice, and she laughs.
"Yeah," she agrees, and then they kiss again, right after he rolls off her. Not too long after, they choose to curl up against each other, blissfully unaware of the world outside of them.
-x-
They do other things after that. Mainly, they fuck, especially in other positions than standard missionary. After all, there's a shower in the room, along with a mirror, a desk, and with some creative manuevering - they can even make it physically work with her body pressed against the window. He learns how to make her scream, so loud that his ears hurt. A little while later, she learns how to make him blow in under two minutes - but only if he lets her. And he mostly does. Because if he's privileged to be able to sleep with the goddamn Courtesan of Death, he'll milk it for all its worth.
But in between their fuckfests, they sleep. And order takeout food. When they finally tire each other out, they watch stupid Doraemon reruns, all while lounging around naked.
It's the best night off she's ever had in ages. She doesn't think about work, until the sun rises up and then she actually dreads going back to Yoshiwara. By now, the weather is sunny, a good omen for new beginnings.
"Take another day off work," he suggests, but she can't, really. And she knows he probably needs to go back to the kids sooner than later.
They don't stop kissing each other, even when they're in the elevators. She checks out of the hotel without looking twice at the receptionist, almost forgets to return the key, and walks out of the entrance feeling like she could do anything. Maybe she could even conquer the government again - she's still relatively young.
It's only when they have to part ways that Gintoki finally gets that shy look in his eyes, and she cocks her head, wondering what on earth he could be hiding from her.
"What is it?" she asks gently, instead of forcing it out of him. She learned the art of using her womanly... attributes, rather than brute force. Especially after she finds out that he's a bit of a masochist.
"I know this isn't really an ideal time to ask, but seeing as we're doing all the things in reverse anyway... " He runs a hand through his hair, nervous again. "Be my girlfriend?" He winces, possibly thinking that she's going to say no, or to embarrass him in public.
Instead, she smiles. "Yeah." Because of all the lessons she's learned, it's being honest - brutally honest, and not in the way that is caustic and passive aggressive - that gets her what she wants. Being next to him - and telling herself that it's enough for her - it's been a lie for too long. She doesn't want to lie to herself, or to anyone else anymore. And she especially doesn't want to lie to Gintoki of all people.
He lets out a sigh of relief. "Good. Well - I'll see you around, I guess?"
She nods. "Yeah. I'll call ya... after my next shift. Alright?"
Gintoki smiles. "Yeah. We... we can talk more. Later, I mean."
"Yeah."
They smile, and turn to leave, and it feels good.
Maybe the third time's not the charm.
Maybe it's the fourth.
.
.
.
the end
.
.