(A/N: The Thing from Fantastic Four vs. The Toxic Avenger from The Toxic Avenger. Two normal humans who mutated into powerful, monstrous superheroes as a result of an accident. Who will win?)
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
"THE THING vs. THE TOXIC AVENGER"
INTRODUCTION
Wiz: Some heroes are born, others are made, usually as a result of an accident.
Boomstick: And sometimes those accidents cause them to mutate into horrible, monstrosities. Like these lovable but grotesque superheroes with hearts of gold.
Wiz: The Thing, the Fantastic Four member who mutated after being exposed to cosmic radiation.
Boomstick: And the Toxic Avenger, Tromaville's hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their powers, skills, and abilities to find out who would win a Death Battle.
THE THING
Wiz: Space. For many, it's considered the final frontier.
Boomstick: For others, it means the beginning of a superhero career.
Wiz: It was during what was meant to be a short trip to space that a team of astronauts were exposed to a cosmic radiation. This radiation was created by an alien being known as the Entity as a means to communicate. Due to insufficient shielding, the space team was exposed to this radiation, altering their lives forever.
Boomstick: Usually these cosmic rays would just kill a person, but not this time. Instead, it mutated them into the superhero team that would come to be known as the Fantastic Four.
Wiz: This team consisted of Reed Richards, siblings Susan and Johnny Storm, and Benjamin Grimm. Each of them underwent their own unique mutation, and adapted names based on their new forms.
Boomstick: In Ben's case, he became a super strong big rock monster thing. So he was given then name, well, the Thing.
BACKGROUND:
Full name: Benjamin Jacob Grimm
Age: unknown (30s-50s)
Height: 6'0
Weight: 500 lbs.
Attended Empire State University
Former astronaut and USAF test pilot mutated by cosmic radiation
Member of the Fantastic Four
Classified as Level 8 by S.H.I.E.L.D.
Best friends with Mr. Fantastic
Boyfriend/husband of Alicia Masters
Catchphrase: "It's clobberin' time!"
Affiliated with the New Avengers, West Coast Avengers, the Guardians of the Galaxy, the Future Foundation, the X-Men, and S.H.I.E.L.D.
Wiz: Prior to his mutation, Ben was an astronaut and a former USAF test pilot. Growing up in poverty with an alcoholic father and unable to handle a job, Ben relied on his older brother, Daniel, to take care of him, until he was killed by a rival gang.
Boomstick: Which made him pretty angry at the world. But after he lost his parents, he was taken in by his uncle, who really helped him turn his life around and get ahead in life. Man I wish I had an uncle like that, all mine did was constantly do that Pull My Finger joke whenever I saw him.
Wiz: After entering high school and becoming a star football, where he earned the nickname the Grimm Reaper, Ben received a football scholarship to State University in Hegeman, New York. It was here that he befriended Reed Richards, who was intent on one day building a spaceship for interstellar travel.
Boomstick: So Ben jokingly made a promise that if Reed ever managed to pull that off that he would pilot it for him.
Wiz: Which ended up not being a joke. As Ben joined the U.S. Air Force to become a skilled fighter pilot, as well as a test pilot and an astronaut, Reed would go on to build the spaceship he always sought to fly. And on the day Ben left the military, Reed decided to remind him of the "promise" that Ben had made to him.
Boomstick: So they stole the ship and blasted off to space with a few of their friends.
Wiz: There was a little more to it than that. See, Reed had had the spaceship built with a combination of his own fortune and government funds. But when the government threatened to withdraw their funding, Reed got desperate and decided to test it out himself with a few of his friends.
Boomstick: Which is what put Ben in the pilot seat, even though he was against it. I don't see why though. All they were doing was illegally entering the launch facility, stealing a government funded spaceship, and planning a quick trip to another solar system and back. No big deal, I do that every week.
Wiz: Ben's primary concern was that the ship's shielding wouldn't properly protect them against cosmic space storms. And he was right, as the radiation of the cosmic rays they encountered were far greater than ordinary ones. Upon becoming exposed to them, the ship's controls went haywire, and Ben was forced to turn the ship around and have them return to Earth. But things would never be the same.
Boomstick: Well, yeah, they were felons now. They freakin' stole government property. Ain't no walking away from that without the cops on your ass.
Wiz: No, it's because… Well, yes, you're right, that is a major crime, but what really changed their lives is the mutation each of them underwent. In Ben's case, he became an orange rock monster with incredible strength, who from that day on, would become to be known as the Thing.
Boomstick: So they did the only logical thing to do when you mutate into superhumans with badass superpowers. They became superheroes. And with the Thing as the muscle of the group, they came to be known as the Fantastic Four.
Wiz: Unlike his friends, the Thing was, understandable, not too happy with his mutation, which, for a while, would cause him to revert back and forth between human and rock monster.
Boomstick: Well, no kidding. I'd be pretty pissed off if I got stuck looking like that too. The guy was basically an orange, human-shaped mass of rock-like lumps mashed together. And why'd he lose one of his fingers? Now he can only give a high four… Oh, I get it, high four, Fantastic Four.
Wiz: I don't think that was the intention, but yes, for some time, the Thing was quite unhappy with his situation. And despite Reed's attempts to find a cure for him, the Thing only continued to mutate further, where he would become the Thing for longer and longer periods of time, and any attempts to change him back to human form indefinitely would ultimately fail.
Boomstick: Yeah, but he also kept getting stronger and stronger. So it was either be a normal handsome dude, or an awesome superhero who looked like a clump of orange crap. Tough choice.
Wiz: Eventually though, the Thing would come to accept his new form, especially after he ended up falling for the blind sculptor, Alicia Master, who he would eventually go on to marry.
Boomstick: A blind sculptor? And he's an ugly rock monster. Now that's karma if I ever heard it. Hehe, I guess that would make him hard for her all the time.
Wiz: Boomstick!
Boomstick: What? It's because he's made of rock. Geez, you've got your mind in the gutter.
Wiz: That's not what you mean, and you know… *Sigh* You know what, never mind.
Boomstick: What's wrong, Wiz? Can't defend yourself?
Wiz: Moving on. While the Thing would temporarily revert back to his human form after being exposed to the Hulk's gamma radiation, but then changed back again by Galactus, Reed would eventually find a way to allow him to change back and forth between human and the Thing.
Boomstick: For all the good it did. He ended up worrying whether Alicia would love him as a human since she only knew him as the Thing. Talk about flipping the script. This caused some sort of mental block that caused him to revert back to the Thing for good.
Wiz: As the Thing and a member of the Fantastic Four, Ben and his friends would go on to save the world several times against a number of terrifying and powerful villains. Their greatest enemy, however, would have to be Victor von Doom, or as he's more commonly known as, Doctor Doom.
Boomstick: Yeah, but he wasn't the only one. They also faced off against guys like the Mole Man, the Puppet Master, and Galactus. What's up with some of these names? They're so cheesy.
Wiz: But it's not just the Fantastic Four that the Thing became a member of. Over his time as a superhero, the Thing has become a member of such groups like the New and West Coast Avengers, the Future Foundation, the Guardians of the Galaxy, the X-Men, and S.H.I.E.L.D.
POWERS AND ABILITIES:
Superhuman strength, endurance, and stamina
Peak-human speed
Rock-like skin
Agelessness
Master hand-to-hand combat (boxing, wrestling, judo, jujutsu, and street fighting)
Indomitable willpower
Experienced pilot and astronaut
Sensory adaptation
Resistant to extreme temperatures, pressures, and outer space environments
Thunderclap (creates a large shockwave by clapping hands together)
Super Breath (creates powerful gusts of wind with his breath)
Immune to over 16,000 poisons
Boomstick: And it's easy to see why. With as strong as the Thing became, he can even fight against different versions of the Hulk, even his Gray, Savage, and Immortal forms, and is often portrayed as a rival, though he is usually a lot less powerful.
Wiz: But the Thing isn't just incredibly strong, he's also incredibly durable. With his rock-like skin, even bullets will simply bounce right off his body. High levels of explosives, such as blasts from a bazooka and high-caliber firearms fired at pointblank range have also shown to be ineffective against him.
Boomstick: I'm more of a fan of the time he broke a lion's teeth after he allowed it to bite him. But even that's nothing compared to the way he can tank blows from the Hulk. And even extreme temperatures or pressure, and even space environment doesn't affect him, though he does still need to breathe.
Wiz: This isn't to say that the Thing is completely invulnerable. One of the notable things that can harm him is adamantium, as in Wolverine's claws.
Boomstick: Yeah, but when it takes something like a metal that can cut through damn near everything to hurt you, I think that makes you pretty damn durable. And don't be thinking you can be pulling any Achilles heels stunts by shooting him up with poison in a weak spot, because the Thing is immune to over 16,000 different kinds of poisons.
Wiz: Speaking of which, the Thing also holds a resistance to fatigue toxins, which are produced by muscles during physical activity. Or, more to the point, his body produces less of them, allowing him to fight for up to 24 hours before the fatigue toxins in his blood begin to affect him.
Boomstick: That's not the only thing he can do for a long time. The Thing also apparently developed super lungs. He can actually hold his breath underwater for up to 9 minutes, even though he used to smoke. Eh, still not even close to the world record. What was it again, Wiz?
Wiz: Currently, it's 24 minutes and 37.36 seconds. And while that does put the Thing's time far out of reach of the record, he does possess what can only be described as Super Breath, where he can create winds strong enough to blow back multiple people from several meters away.
Boomstick: Or he could just use his Thunder Clap, where he'll clap his hands together with such force that he creates a shockwave that can equal that of a hurricane or even a nuclear bomb. He totally stole that move from the Hulk, didn't he?
Wiz: Well, we did mention that he is a sparring partner of the Hulk, so it's expected that he would pick up a few techniques. After all, back when he was human, Ben was skilled in certain forms of hand-to-hand combat, such as boxing, wrestling, judo, jujutsu, and street fighting, having spent countless hours in the gym during his college years.
Boomstick: Even if he does end up facing someone a lot stronger or more skilled than him, the Thing will quite literally never give up. The guy's got a totally unshakable will where he will not stay down if he can help it.
Wiz: We see an example of this when he faced off against Tryco Slatterus, the Champion of the universe. During this battle, the Thing was completely outmatched, and Tryco even commented that he could easily break every bone in his body, yet the Thing wouldn't stay down. And after the Thing obtained numerous severe injuries and still would not stop fighting, Tryco eventually forfeited the battle so he wouldn't need to hurt him anymore once he realized that he would never be able to break the Thing's spirit and willpower.
Boomstick: He's probably gonna need that unshakable willpower to withstand the pain that comes from losing those he cares about to time since the Thing is basically immortal.
Wiz: Well, not necessarily immortal, but he does possess agelessness since he's essentially made of rock. True, he does take a serum once a year that allows him to revert to human form for a day where he will age like a normal human, but other than these instances, the Thing does not age.
Boomstick: The pros and cons of have a rock body, I guess. Real talk though, having rock skin basically made him unable to have a sense of touch. Which especially sucks since we already determined that he's hard all the time.
Wiz: Really, Boomstick? The same joke twice?
Boomstick: Hey, if the jokes set themselves up, I'm gonna go for them.
Wiz: *Sigh* Unfortunately, the Thing has faced other hardships from his mutation. His sheer size, weight, and strength does make it difficult for him to have normal interacts with people and objects.
Boomstick: Not with his team members though. The Fantastic Four are basically tethered together and each act as a conduit for their own power. But if they get separated for too long from each other, they'll lose their power.
Wiz: Yes, but that's only if they're separated by whole universes. As long as they remain in the same universe, they'll still retain their power.
Boomstick: And let's talk about their power. We know that the thing is mostly all about being super strong, but what else can he do? Being made of rock must be limiting to his speed, right?
Wiz: On the contrary actually. The Thing's mutation has actually risen him to the peak of human condition. Despite his size and weight, the Thing can move around just as easily as he could as a human, and is just as fast as anyone else. His reflexes, however, have risen to superhuman levels, allowing him to react to and deflect meteors, maneuver through the inhuman missiles of a Skrull ship, and even dodge a tire thrown by the Hulk that was moving at the speed of sound, which is about 767 miles per hour.
Boomstick: So his speed is above average, but his reflexes are top notch. Then let's get back to his strength. Just how strong is he?
FEATS:
Fought and defeated various forms of the Hulk (normal, Grey, Savage, Immortal)
Dodged and deflected meteors
Lifted up a roller-coaster and used it to stop a waterfall
Created a cave by punching a mountain
Broke a lion's teeth by letting it bite his hand Knocked out the Hulk with a single punch
One-shot a living black hole with a single punch
Crushed a truck just by touching the front
Tanked blows from the Grey Hulk
Survived the ripping of Ego
Helped defeat Doctor Doom
Punched out a T-Rex
Lifted a steel and glass pyramid (over 150 tons)
Supported the weight of an oil rig
Stopped a building from falling over and lifted it back into place (approx. 30,000 tons)
Withstood and pushed back a hydraulic press that could press through planets
Dodged the Hulk throwing a tire at the speed of sound (767 mph)
With stood the Human Torch's flames
Shrugged off bullets and a bazooka blast
Smacked aside a house
Used a watch tower as a baseball bat
Kicked back a train
Created a sonic boom by throwing a baseball
Punched a rocket into the stratosphere
Wiz: We've actually seen numerous demonstrations of how strong the Thing is. From lifting massive structures ranging from hundreds to thousands of tons to performing feats like holding back a giant alien spaceship from flying away, or holding the main cables of a bridge together for an extended period of time, and such cables are known for supporting about 10,000 tons.
Boomstick: Personally, I like seeing him do the heavy lifting, like the time he lifted a steel and glass pyramid or a rollercoaster. Or how about the time he held up an oil ridge. Best moment though, when he stopped a multistory building from falling over and lifted it back into place.
Wiz: Based on the size and structure of the building, we can determine that it weighed roughly 30,000 tons.
Boomstick: Well, what do you expect from the guy who can literally punch out a T-Rex. Now that's some real badassery.
Wiz: The Thing's punches have shown to be quite powerful. He's been shown to be capable of punching a rocket into space, or creating a cave in a mountain, and has also knocked out the Hulk or sent him flying, and was even been able to one-shot a living black hole with a single punch.
Boomstick: And he can take hits as well as dish them out, like from the Hulk or from Namor while they were underwater. We even saw him push back a hydraulic press that could press through planets. And speaking of planets, the Thing even survived ripping of Ego.
Wiz: Scaling Ego's size, it can be estimated that he possesses a diameter of about 3,965.35 miles. Seeing as he possesses a gravity similar to that of Earth, we can determine that he possesses a mass of about 1.496E+2424 kg. Based upon the speed in which he was torn apart, it can be estimated that this would require approximately 2.022401476 yottatons of TNT. And while we can't say for sure how much of this actually hit the Thing or how long he was exposed to it, considering he was near the center of Ego, it must have been a fairly decent amount.
Boomstick: If he can take all that, maybe it's not so much that he has great willpower as he is hard-headed. Ha!
Wiz: …
Boomstick: You know, because he's a rock man, and… Oh, come on, that was a good one.
Wiz: One thing is for sure, when it comes to having superheroes on your team, you should always remember one very important Thing.
Boomstick: Uch, and you thought my joke was bad.
THE TOXIC AVENGER
Wiz: In the city of Tromaville–
Boomstick: Which doesn't exist.
Wiz: In the state of New Jersey–
Boomstick: Which also doesn't exist.
Wiz: Um, yes, it does.
Boomstick: Not to me it doesn't.
Wiz: *Sigh* You know, it's really nowhere near as bad of a place as it's portrayed to be.
Boomstick: Wiz, I've seen Jersey Shore, you're never going to convince me of that.
Wiz: Aaaaaaanyway. In the city of Tromaville, there was a lone mop boy known as Melvin Junko, or Melvin Ferd, depending on the version, who worked at the local gym. He was, to put it nicely, a bit of a nerd.
Boomstick: A bit nothing! This guy was the biggest and nerdiest nerd to ever nerd in all of nerdiness.
BACKGROUND:
Real name: Melvin Junko/Ferd III
Age: 25 (as of the 3rd movie)
Height: 7'6
Also known as Toxie, The Monster Hero, and Sludgeface
Hometown: Tromaville, New Jersey
Formerly a 98 lbs. mop boy/janitor mutated by toxic waste (Grosolium 90)
The first superhero from New Jersey
Catchphrase: "It's cleanup time!"
Driven to destroy evil by his Tromatons
Boyfriend/husband of Sarah/Claire/Yvonne
Leader of the Toxic Crusaders
Superhero mentor of Lardass
Good counterpart of the Noxious Offender (Noxie)
Best friends with Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. Blue
Wiz: Often the butt of jokes to the more popular people–
Boomstick: Who were major psychopaths that spent their free time running down kids on bikes.
Wiz: They decided to play a prank on him that involved having Melvin dress in a pink tutu and then tricking him into making out with a sheep.
Boomstick: In front of the entire gym too. And then they chased him throughout the entire gym. The poor guy really did make the ultimate bully victim.
Wiz: Frightened and humiliated, Melvin attempted to escape his pursuers by jumping out a window.
Boomstick: And landing headfirst into a barrel of taxic waste that was on its way to be disposed of.
Wiz: This chemical, later revealed to be called Grosolium 90, caused horrible chemical burns to cover Melvin's entire body, eventually causing him to burst into flames.
Boomstick: But that's not all it did. After Melvin somehow survived catching on fire, the chemicals caused him to mutate into a hideously deformed hero of superhuman size and strength. And from this moment on, Melvin Junko became known as the Toxic Avenger! Or Toxie to his friends.
Wiz: Actually, he didn't receive the name the Toxic Avenger until later. In fact, the original movie was going to be called The Monster Hero, which is actually what they called him throughout the first film. No one actually ever once called him the Toxic Avenger until the sequel.
Boomstick: Wiz, why do you always got to be a buzzkill with boring details?
Wiz: It's called behind the scenes information, and it's very informative.
Boomstick: Yeah, whatever. You focus on the boring stuff, I'll focus on the badass cool stuff. Like how after he mutated, Toxie began going around smashing criminal heads. And I mean that literally. No beating up bad guys and throwing them in jail for this guy, Toxie straight up murders any baddies he comes across.
Wiz: This is not entirely something Toxie does willingly. While he is happy to get rid of criminals, the mutation that he underwent caused him to develop particles inside his body called Tromatons. Not only do they allow him to sense evil when it's nearby, but they quite literally drive him to destroy it completely.
Boomstick: It doesn't matter who it is. If you're a baddie, Toxie will quite literally shove your head up your ass, even if you're a little old lady running a drug trade.
Wiz: Toxie's Tromatons are actually so powerful that it's impossible for him to resist them, not even when he encountered the yakuza boss he thought was his long-lost father. There was even an instant where the leader of the *sigh* Diaper Mafia, had a bomb hooked up to his heartbeat that would have destroyed a school of mentally handicapped students if he died, and Toxie was still unable to hold himself back from literally tearing the man apart. Although he did try to put him together again afterwards.
Boomstick: I guess you can say that Toxie had a habit of making a mess as he cleaned up crime.
Wiz: Toxie's drive to destroy evil is actually so powerful that if he goes on too long without it, he falls into a deep depression, to the point where he even becomes suicidal.
Boomstick: Damn, that's dark. I guess it's a good thing there's always plenty evil for him to fight. Such as aliens, mutants, evil doppelgangers from parallel universe, and even… the literal Devil? Damn, didn't see that coming.
Wiz: But he's not alone in his heroism. Toxie is actually friends with a number of other superheroes, such as Sergeant Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. Blue. Toxie would even go on to create his own team of superheroes known as the Toxic Crusaders, a group made up of other hideously deformed people who had mutated in some way.
Boomstick: They're the Toxic Crusaders! They're the Toxic Crusaders!
Wiz: Together, their environmentally themed group would spend their time defeating evil mutants and putting a stop to the invasion plans of Dr. Killemoff and Czar Zosta, the cockroach-like aliens from the planet Smogula, who sought to pollute the Earth's oceans and air in order terraform the planet for their race. In fact, the very chemical waste that Melvin fell into came from Dr. Killemoff's base, suggesting that it could be alien.
Boomstick: Alien or not, it's a good thing Melvin fell into it, because old Killemoff had a whole army of Radiation Rangers on his side. Fortunately, it was nothing Toxie and his team couldn't handle. They even had their own sentient vehicle called the Toxic Cab to help them get around. You know, Wiz, they really should have done a crossover episode with the original animated Ninja Turtles. Talk about a missed opportunity. That would have been, like, the perfect cartoon crossover. Certainly better than when the TMNTs met the Power Rangers.
Wiz: You're getting sidetracked, Boomstick.
Boomstick: Sidetracked nothing. You know I'm right.
Wiz: When Toxie's not destroying crime or helping his community, he spends his time with his girlfriend, and eventual wife and mother of their own deformed bundle of joy.
Boomstick: She may be a blind ditz, but she loves Toxie for who he is, deformities and all. What was her name again? Sarah? Claire? Yvonne? They change it like 5 times. He also got his own superhero sidekick, the man with the superhuman stomach, Lardass! It was a thing, just go with it.
Wiz: Despite being initially feared for his appearance and violent tendencies towards criminals, a fear pushed by the corrupt mayor until Toxie disposed of him, all of Tromaville would come to know and love the first superhero from New Jersey.
Boomstick: Well, yeah, no kidding. He actually put an end to all crime in the entire city. And he did it with style too.
POWERS AND ABILITIES:
Superhuman strength, speed, endurance
Street fighting and sumo wrestling
Immune to heat, fire, radiation, poisons/toxins
Shapeshifting (can turn into other people)
Regeneration
Can sense evil (via Tromatons)
Sentient, hyper-elastic, transforming mop
Sentient Toxic Cab
Heated/chemical burning toxic touch
Acid urine
Flight (with mop)
Divine intervention (when fighting Satan)
Excellent singer
Fourth wall awareness (knows he's in a movie/cartoon/comic)
Wiz: It's no exaggeration to call Toxie a hero of superhuman size and strength. His mutation provided him with a number of abilities other than being able to to sense evil. Most notably, his incredible strength.
Boomstick: No kidding. It takes some serious muscle power to be able to literally tear people apart limb by limb. Or he'll just rip an entire tree out of the ground and chuck it at you. Hell, he once punched a mutant girl straight through a roof so high into the air that by the time she came down, he had pretty much forgotten about her.
Wiz: Toxie's incredible strength has indeed allowed him to perform some pretty impressive feats. According to him, he can leap over whole buildings with a running start, a feat backed up by him making similar jumps in the comics, and we even once saw him fall up a cliff. He's been shown to easily flip over cars, even a whole gas truck, and once even lifted a Greyhound bus and flipped it around. These buses typically weigh between 35,500 and 48,000 pounds, meaning he was lifting anywhere between 18 and 24 tons. And when loaded, they can weigh as much as 70,000 pounds, or 35 tons.
Boomstick: Yeah, I'm more of a fan of the time he picked up an entire freakin' mansion and flipped it over!
Wiz: This super strength also comes with incredible durability. Gunfire is completely harmless to him, and he even stuffed his mop into an army tank once and withstood the blast from it.
Boomstick: His sentient mop you mean. Yeah, you heard that right. Toxie's got a sentient mop that can move, stretch out, and even transform. Don't ask.
Wiz: In fact, Toxie has been caught up in a number of explosions and walked away completely unharmed. He seems to be completely immune to heat and fire, and pollution and toxic substances like poisons are completely ineffective against him. It's even debatable of whether or not he needs to breathe at all, since he once swam to Japan "Godzilla style" according him, where he learned how to sumo wrestle.
Boomstick: Not sure why he took the long way there since he can apparently hop dimensions Wizard of Oz style.
Wiz: True, but he doesn't exactly have control over this. After a bomb blasted him into a parallel universe, he randomly hopped to different dimensions until God helped him get back to Tromaville. Also, he doesn't exactly teleport to different places, as he does randomly switch places with someone else. But even without teleporting, Toxie's also apparently really fast.
Boomstick: Like the time when a bomb in a school was going to go off in 5 seconds, Toxie was able to run from the school to his home, impregnate his wife, run back to the school, kill a few bad guys, remember he needed to return some videos he rented to the store, run to the store to return them, run back to the school, and still get the students out before the bomb went off.
Wiz: Granted, we don't know the distance between the school and Toxie's home in the dump and the video store, but based on the areas we've seen around the school, the dump, the video store, and Tromaville in general, the distance between these locations must be at least a few miles, and Toxie basically ran to and from each of them and accomplished different tasks in under 5 seconds, showing that even though it doesn't seem like it, Toxie is quite fast.
Boomstick: And let's not forget about his toxic touch. This guy can cause third degree chemical burns just by touching someone, and even literally melt the skin off bones. He once punched a zombie and reduced it down to a skeleton. And if you think that's bad, you better hope you don't get sprayed by his acid piss. That thing is like a firehose… Yeah, he's really not your run-of-the-mill superhero. So you better be on your best behavior, because he could be hiding anywhere since he can apparently shapeshift his body to look like other people, even sexy news ladies.
Wiz: Despite all these abilities, Toxie is not invincible. His only known weakness is household bleach, and there was a chemical compound called Antitromaton that was created from fish oils that, when exposed to it, would cause Toxie's body to breakdown, even in small doses. However, he does possess a level of regeneration. In his fight with Satan, he was actually melted down to his skeleton, but he soon regenerated after only a few seconds. Unfortunately, his regeneration only seems to cause him to regenerate back into normal Melvin. This is also seen in how Toxie tore apart the Noxious Offender, the evil version of himself from a parallel universe, who also regenerated back into ordinary evil Melvin.
Boomstick: Yeah, but when that happens, he can just expose himself to more toxic chemicals and mutate again. And is just me, or does Toxie seem to be a lot smarter than Melvin?
Wiz: Well, yes, there does seem to be a higher level of intellect between Melvin and Toxie, which could be a result of his mutation. However, it should be noted that while Toxie isn't dumb, he is incredibly naïve, and can be fooled rather easily. He can and has been taken advantage of due to his overly good-naturedness, which can get him into trouble at times.
Boomstick: So it's a good thing he's pretty durable. Bullets, explosions, radiation, fire, all completely ineffective against Toxie. Hell, he one time swallowed an alien nuclear core that went off inside him, and he was perfectly fine. There really is no stopping the Toxic Avenger!
FEATS:
Unharmed after being shot several times and caught in various explosions
Easily dismembers people
Defeated Satan, the Noxious Offender, Evil Mad Cowboy, the Dark Rider, Dr. Killemoff
Stopped the Crusader Crusher monster truck
Stopped numerous criminals, mutants, and alien invasions
Escaped from Sgt. Kazinski
Ended all crime in Tromaville
Flipped over a gas truck
Lifted and turned around a Greyhound bus
Lifted an entire mansion
Swam to Japan "Godzilla style"
Threw Satan's head from New Jersey to Japan in 32 seconds (approx. 6,769 miles)
Killed criminals, ran several miles, and accomplished several tasks in 5 seconds
Fell "up" a cliff
Jumping buildings with a running start (self-proclaimed)
Burned a zombie down to its bones
Stopped a buzz saw with his mouth
Survived melting down to a skeleton
Easily broke free of chains and metal bars
Ripped a tree out of the ground and threw it
Punched a mutant through a roof into the sky
Was unharmed after swallow an alien nuclear core
Casually hopped dimensions
Wiz: Being so powerful, Toxie has managed many great accomplishments, including putting an end to all crime in Tromaville, and single-handedly taking down Apocalypse Incorporated. Which was, in fact, run by the Devil.
Boomstick: Who Toxie later beat the hell out of, tore apart with his bare hands, and then ripped off his head, which he then threw all the way to Japan in just a few seconds.
Wiz: While it's hard to get an exact number since Tromaville is a fictional city, the distance between New Jersey where it's located and Japan comes to about 6,769 miles, and Toxie threw the Devil's head there in only 32 seconds, the velocity of which would be about 761,513 miles per hour. Assuming that the Devil's head weighs approximately the same as a typical human head, though it's likely a lot more, for Toxie to be able to throw the head this distance at this speed would require a force of approximately 532,916,910.885 newtons, the equivalent of about 54,342 tons of force.
Boomstick: Hold up, Wiz, since Toxie eventually went on to join Marvel, doesn't that mean that the Devil that Toxie beat is technically the One Below All? Because that guy was so powerful that the most the Hulk was able to do was temporarily disperse his essence.
Wiz: Well, technically speaking, yes, I suppose that would make the Devil the One Below All, or at least an avatar or an incarnation of him, which just goes to show just how powerful Toxie really is.
Boomstick: Hell yeah, he is. And Toxie was even able to beat up his own evil counterpart, who was at least as strong as him, and Noxie was able to easily defeat Kabukiman and kill his superhero team of Mad Cowboy, Dolphin Man, the Vibrator, and the Masturbator. And yeah, the names of those last two mean exactly what they sound like; no subtlety here.
Wiz: But Toxie hasn't just stopped all crime in Tromaville, but has managed to save it from complete destruction, such as when he stopped the Dark Rider, a kamikaze motorcyclist that worked for Apocalypse Incorporated, who had nitroglycerin in his system, that would have resulted in the entire city's destruction.
Boomstick: And while he was in a parallel universe, he put a stop to a lot of the crime Noxie had built up in Aromaville, even killing off Evil Mad Cowboy and saving some hostages from Sergeant Kazinski, the evil counterpart of Kabukiman.
Wiz: Be it normal criminals, aliens, mutants, zombies, demons, or the Devil himself, one thing is for sure, the good people of Tromaville can rest easy knowing that the Toxic Avenger is there to clean up crime.
Boomstick: It's literally the Toxic Crusaders' catchphrase, "It's clean-up time!" Actually, that sounds kind of lame. But I dare any of you to say that to Toxie's face and not expect to have a mop shoved up your ass.
Wiz: Your opinion of catchphrases aside, there's no doubt that doubt that the Toxic Avenger is definitely a superhero for the books. Even if he does come from New Jersey, right, Boomstick?
Boomstick: Ah, shoot, I guess you got me there… Buuuut, I could make the argument that even if Toxie is cool, everything that comes out of New Jersey is still "toxic". Huh? Huh?
Wiz: *Sigh*
THE BATTLE
The Thing is walking down a street. He pauses and looks forward and back, then rubs his head in confusion before spotting a sign that reads, WELCOME TO TROMAVILLE.
The Thing: "I never heard of Tromaville. Where the heck am I?"
Suddenly, he hears a commotion. There are screams and gunfire coming from a nearby bank as people come running out of it. A look of determination crosses the Thing's face and he quickly rushes inside to find two bank robbers holding a group of people hostage. The Thing points at them in warning.
The Thing: "Alright, you two, give it up now and no one gets hurt."
The two robbers immediately turn their guns on him and begin firing. The Thing just sighs as the bullets bounce off him and begins walking towards them through the gunfire. But suddenly, the Toxic Avenger comes bursting through the wall behind the two robbers. With a roar, he grabs both of them by their collars and lifts them up.
Robber 1: "Oh no, it's the Toxic Avenger, Tromaville's hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength!"
Toxie snarls and slams the two robbers' heads together with such force that they explode. The Thing gasps in horror as Toxie tosses the two bodies aside, and one of them lands by the Thing's feet. He looks from the body to Toxie and points at him.
The Thing: "Hey, you, that's going too far!"
Toxie just shrugs.
Toxie: "Sorry, but once my Tromatons detect evil, I can't control myself."
The Thing: "Then I'll control it for you."
FIGHT!
The Thing charges forward and throws a punch. Toxie holds up his arms and blocks, but the Thing follows up by kicking outward, and Toxie stumbles back as his foot hits him in the stomach. The Thing goes after him and delivers a few more punches before Toxie catches his fist. He swings the Thing around before throwing him face first against the wall. Then he runs up behind him, grabs hold of the Thing, and begins slamming him against the wall, cracking it more and more.
The Things slams his elbow back into Toxie's gut, knocking him back, then turns around to face him. He wraps his arms around Toxie, lifting him up and squeezing him tightly in a bear hug. Toxie roars and starts heating up. Smoke rises up between the two of them, but the Thing doesn't let go.
The Thing: "Yeah, nice try, hot-head, but you're going to have to do better than a little heat."
Toxie stops heating up and suddenly slams his forehead into the Thing's face. The Thing releases him and brings his hands to his face as Toxie drops to his feet. He crouches down and spears into the Thing's gut, then lifts him up over his head, holding the Thing above him. He starts spinning around before throwing him across the bank, and the Thing slams into a giant safe in the wall that has bags of coins laying around it. As Toxie roars, the Thing hops to his feet.
The Thing: "That's it, it's clobberin' time!"
Toxie: "No, it's cleanup time!"
He charges at the Thing, who starts snatching up the bags of coins and chucking them at Toxie. Toxie raises his arms to protects his face as he continues forward, and the bags burst open against him, sending coins flying everywhere. The Thing stops throwing the bags and instead rips the circular door off the safe wall. He swings it as Toxie reaches him, and Toxie goes flying backwards, crashing through the wall and ending up outside on the street.
As Toxie gets up, the Thing jumps outside the hole in the wall. He throws the giant safe door at Toxie, who catches it and throws it back. The Thing smacks it aside and charges at Toxie. He raises his fist and brings it down, but Toxie blocks. He kicks the Thing in the gut, causing him to skid back. Toxie begins grabbing nearby objects around him and throwing them at the Thing, including a mailbox, a bench, a phone booth, a fire hydrant, and an entire car. The Thing responds by pulling a streetlight out of the ground and batting the objects away. He then charges at Toxie and swings the streetlight at him. Toxie catches it, pulls it out of the Thing's hands, then jumps up and brings it down on the Thing, who covers his head as it comes down on him. The impact bends the streetlight out of shape, so Toxie tosses it aside and takes on a sumo wrestling stance, stomping his feet on the ground.
The Thing: "Is that sumo? I haven't learned that."
Toxie: "Lucky me."
He rushes at the Thing, wrapping his arms around his waist. The Thing slides backwards from the impact, but then manages to hold his ground. He raises his balled-up fists and begins bringing them down. Toxie grunts from each blow, but suddenly lifts the Thing into the air and slams him down on the ground. He jumps up and lands hard on top of the Thing's stomach, then begins hopping up and down, slamming his feet down on him each time.
The Thing groans as Toxie keeps stomping down on him. Then one of his hands comes up and grabs Toxie's ankle. He pulls Toxie down as he hops up, then begins swinging Toxie around as he slams him on the ground before slamming him down so hard that Toxie breaks through the road. The Thing pauses and looks down into the hole that Toxie crashed through.
A distance away, Toxie suddenly pops out of a manhole. Wielding the manhole cover, he flings it at the Thing. The Thing looks up just in time for the manhole cover to slam into his head, causing him to stumble back and fall over. While he's down, Toxie suddenly unzips himself and begins urinating. His stream of urine shoots across the street as if from a firehose and begins dousing the Thing in acidic, toxic urine, causing steam to rise up from his body and causing his pants to partially dissolve. It doesn't affect the Thing's rock body though, and as Toxie finishes urinating, the Thing angrily stands up and spits out what had gotten in his mouth.
The Thing: "Ok, now I'm pissed."
He takes a deep breath and breathes out, creating a powerful gust of wind. Toxie fights against it, but is blown away. He goes flying backwards, crashing into a warehouse, leaving a hole in the shape of his body. The Thing grunts in satisfaction and shakes himself dry of the acid urine. A few moments later, Toxie comes busting out of the warehouse, only now he's riding in the Toxic Cab.
Toxie: "I can't give up here. If I do, there might not be another Toxic Avenger movie."
The Toxic Cab suddenly speeds towards the Thing, who reaches out and catches the front of the vehicle, stopping it in its tracks. Toxie suddenly jumps out of the driver's seat and onto the hood of the car. He kicks the Thing in the head, and the Thing loses his hold of the car from the blow. The sentient vehicle keeps driving on its own, no longer held back, and Toxie leaps off of it as the Thing is carried off.
The Toxic Cab crashes into a wall, crushing the Thing against it. It keeps driving in place, but the Thing just growls and raises his fists, bringing them down on the hood of the car, smashing it. Toxie roars and charges at him, but the Thing pushes the broken Toxic Cab back before kicking it at him. Toxie skids to a halt, but the Toxic Cab crashes into him and explodes.
The Thing dusts himself off and approaches the burning wreckage. Suddenly, Toxie hops out of it, completely unharmed. The Thing sighs and holds up his fists, ready to keep fighting.
The Thing: "You're tougher that you look. Alright then, round two."
Suddenly, the town bell chimes, and Toxie gasps.
Toxie: "Hold on a second, I've got to return some movies to the Tromaville rental store."
He suddenly takes off, moving so fast that he disappears from sight, leaving the Thing both shocked and confused.
The Thing: "Did he just–"
Toxie: "I'm back!"
Toxie suddenly reappears behind him and throws a punch. The Thing stumbles from the blow and turns to hit him back, but Toxie takes off again. He comes up behind the Thing again and hits him again before running off once more. He repeats this process of touch-and-go before the Thing figures out his pattern and catches his fist as Toxie attempts to punch him again.
The Thing: "You're quick, but you should shake it up a bit so you're not predictable."
He delivers a head-butt and Toxie stumbles back. The Thing leaps at him to throw a punch, and Toxie ducks beneath it. He rises up and delivers an uppercut, sending the Thing flying into the air. He flies up past rooftops before coming back down. Toxie leaps out of the way as the Thing lands on his back. He lands beside a tree and grabs hold of it, ripping it out of the ground, then leaps at the Thing again. Just as the thing sits up, Toxie slams the tree down on him. The Thing's head pops out of the other side of the trunk as his midsection is left trapped inside the tree.
Toxie whistles, and his mop comes flying over to him. He begins twirling it around before he starts hopping around the Thing, and repeatedly whacking him in the head with it. With a loud cry, the Thing bursts out of the tree trunk, sending splinters flying everywhere, and turns to face Toxie. They charge at each other and begin exchanging and blocking blows, the Thing using his fists, Toxie using his mop.
Then the Thing delivers a kick that knocks Toxie back before bringing his hands together, sending out a shockwave. His Thunder Clap hits Toxie and he goes flying backwards and into the air. He doesn't crash though as he begins twirling around his mop around like a helicopter propeller, allowing him to remain airborne, and he flies at the Thing.
The Thing: "Oh, come on."
Toxie's foot slams into his head, and the Thing gets knocked off his feet, landing on his back. Toxie stops spinning his mop, and the mophead suddenly turns into a sledgehammer. He rushes at the Thing and swings it, slamming the sledgehammer into the Thing's head. The Thing grunts as he's knocked back in a daze, and Toxie goes after him, repeatedly hitting him with the sledgehammer mop, sending fragments of the Thing's rock body flying.
The sledgehammer suddenly turns into a boxing glove, and Toxie thrusts it forward to punch the Thing in the face. Upon impact, it turns back into a mophead and wraps around the Thing's head. Toxie then begins swinging it around, bringing the Thing along for the ride, and the mophead releases him. The Thing goes flying through the air and comes down hard, skidding across the ground, leaving a groove so deep he almost ends up underground.
Toxie spins his mop around and roars to the sky. The Thing gets up and climbs out of the groove. He cracks his neck left and right before striking a fighting pose. Toxie lashes out with his mop, and the mophead stretches out, stretching across the distance between him and the Thing and coiling around him, trapping him in a cocoon. Toxie begins spinning around the Thing, but as he's spun through the air, he tears free of the mophead cocoon and lands a distance away.
The torn mophead grows back and Toxie begins lashing out with it. It stretches across the distance and strikes the Thing like a whip. The Thing raises an arm to block as Toxie proceeds to whip him. But then he grabs the mophead with his other hand before he's hit again. He yanks it, and the mop is pulled out of Toxie's hands, and the Thing tosses it away.
The Thing: "My turn, mop boy."
He leaps at Toxie, pulling back his fist to throw a punch. Toxie gasps and closes his eyes before clicking his heel together three times. He disappears, and in his place, a drunk Sergeant Kabukiman appears, who looks around in a drunken confusion.
Kabukiman: "How'd-ed I ge' here?"
The Thing's fist hits him with such force that Kabukiman explodes into a bloody mass, and the Thing blinks in confusion over what happened.
Ember: "Wait, was that a geisha?"
The sound of Toxie's roar has him turning around, and the very bank he had entered earlier comes crashing down on him on its side. Toxie then leaps up on top of it and taps his foot down on it before nodding and letting out a satisfied grunt. But then the Thing comes bursting up out of it beside him and throws a punch. Toxie goes flying backwards and crashes into a wall. The Thing leaps over to him and drives his fist into his gut, and Toxie goes straight through the wall, bursting out the other side. He lands on his hands and knees, and the Thing leaps through the wall after him. Toxie jumps up high into the air, and the Thing's fist cracks apart the ground where he had been. Toxie comes down, landing on his head, then leaps off him and away. He turns around when he lands and charges at the Thing, who charges at him as well, and they both throw a punch.
Their fists collide, causing the ground to shake, and then both lock hands. They try unsuccessfully to push the other back, and as they do so, Toxie's mop flies over. It shoots past the Thing's feet, the mophead stretching out and wrapping around his ankles. The Thing cries out as his feet are pulled out from under him, and he falls onto his stomach. Toxie then kicks him in the face while he's down, causing the Thing to flip over backwards and land on his back. Toxie then leaps on top of him, sitting on his stomach with his legs on either side of him, and begins rapidly and repeatedly delivering punches to the Thing's face.
The Thing's head snaps to the left and right as Toxie continues to punch him, going faster and faster until his fists are a blur, and a crater begins to form beneath the Thing's head, growing larger and larger with the more Toxie punches him. But then the Thing places his palms on the ground and pushes down, launching them both high into the air. While they're in the air, he grabs Toxie and pulls him off before throwing him away. They both land on their feet a distance away, and the Thing reaches down, ripping the mop off his feet and snapping it in half over his leg.
Toxie: "My mop! You'll pay for that!"
He charges at the Thing and throws a punch. Still holding onto the broken mop, the Thing blocks the first punch, then the other, before spinning around and stabbing the broken end of the mop into Toxie' head. Toxie roars as the pointed end stabs into his eye and burst out the back of his head. He then drops to his knees and falls face forward, where he lays still. The Thing stares down at his still form for a few moments before crossing his arms and sighing.
The Thing: "Well, I guess that–"
Toxie suddenly rises back up onto his knees, roaring as he raises his fists to the sky, the broken mop still sticking through his head. The Thing steps back in surprise, but then reaches and grasps Toxie's head. He rips it off Toxie's shoulders, silencing him. Toxie's arms drop and he falls forward once more. The Thing stares down at him before tossing Toxie's head away.
The Thing: "I guess that–"
Toxie rises to his knees again. A new head sprouts from his neck, only it's the head of Melvin, who screams loudly as he shakes his fists in the air. The Thing reaches out again, grasping Melvin's head, and crushes it to a bloody pulp. Once again, Toxie collapses, and the Thing hesitates for a moment before looking away.
The Thing: "I guess that–"
He cuts himself off as he quickly looks at Toxie's body, but Toxie stays down this time, and the Thing relaxes before crossing his arms again and looking away again.
The Thing: "I guess that–"
Once more, he quickly glances at Toxie, but there's still nothing. He looks away again and quickly speaks in a single breath.
The Thing: "Iguessthattakescareofthat."
He quickly looks back at the body again, but there's still no movement. The Thing nods in satisfaction, then turns around and walks away.
KO!
The Thing is scratching his head as he stands before the WELCOME TO TROMAVILLE sign while examining a map. He glances down to see Toxie's head on the ground by his feet, and he kicks it away before going back to studying the map.
OUTCOME
Boomstick: There's only enough room for one hideously deformed monstrosity, and it looks like clobberin' time trumps clean-up time.
Wiz: Both Toxie and the Thing were similar in various ways, however, there's a clear gap in their power.
Boomstick: You might think that Toxie should have had the advantage since he had a lot more abilities, but here's the thing. Hehe, see what I did there.
Wiz: Yes, good pun, Boomstick. But jokes aside, even though Toxie had abilities that the Thing didn't, such as a heated touch or acidic urine, none of these abilities would actually have an effect on the Thing. Likewise, the Thing's Thunder Clap and Super Breath wouldn't do much against Toxie either. In the end, this pretty much came down to a battle of speed, strength, and durability. And the Thing was superior in most of those areas.
Boomstick: Toxie definitely had the speed advantage, what with all those miles he ran and all those things he did in just 5 seconds, while the Thing's speed is pretty much a little higher than that of a human's peak strength, not counting his reflexes and short bursts of speed like when dodging. And there's Toxie's teleporting to consider.
Wiz: It's switching places more so than teleporting, Boomstick. But despite this advantage, it didn't do Toxie much good against the Thing's superior strength and defense. The Thing is well-known for facing off against opponents far stronger than Toxie, and has performed greater feats of strength. He's even known for being a sparring partner for the Hulk.
Boomstick: Yeah, but isn't that a little vague? The Hulk may be one of Marvel's strongest characters, but his strength does vary depending on how angry he is. So couldn't Toxie have been stronger? I know we said that the Thing could lift that building that weighed 30,000 tons, but Toxie did throw the Devil's head with over 50,000 tons of force.
Wiz: That's a fair point, and yes, the Hulk's strength does vary. So let's look at specific conditions to determine how strong the Thing is compared to the Hulk based on the circumstances. The best example would perhaps be in how the Thing has been shown to be able to fight, take blows from, and even defeated the Hulk in his Grey form, and the Grey Hulk was able to destroy a meteor twice the size of Earth, which would be far more powerful than the 30,000 tons of lifting force we saw him do before, suggesting the Thing is far more powerful than this. Being able to trade blows with one so powerful goes far beyond Toxie's level of power or feats of strength. Not even being able to lift a mansion or throw the Devil's head with 54,342 tons of force can match that, and there's nothing to suggest that Toxie's strength goes beyond this.
Boomstick: But hold up a second. Didn't we say that Toxie beat Satan, and since he joined the Marvel universe, that that technically meant that the Devil he fought was actually the One Below All, or at least an avatar or incarnation of him or something? If we're gonna mention how the Thing can fight against the Hulk, then the One Below All is definitely way stronger than any version of the Hulk that the Thing fought, yet Toxie still beat him, so…
Wiz: Yes, I see where you're going with this, and you do raise a good point. However, there are a few factors to consider. For instance, let's say for sake of argument that the Devil that Toxie faced really was an avatar or incarnation as the One Below All. But even if he is, that doesn't mean that his power was the same since it would be just an avatar or incarnation. But again, for sake of argument, let's just say that this Devil was the One Below All with his full power. The truth is that Toxie didn't actually defeat him on his own, and actually received divine intervention from God, which either weakened the Devil or empowered Toxie to allow him to defeat him, probably both.
Boomstick: Hmm, yeah, I guess that's a good point. Before that, the Devil didn't even consider Toxie a threat and was pretty much just playing with him. But once God sent that healing, holy rain, all the Devil's power disappeared and came undone, and he started shaking in his boots against Toxie.
Wiz: But divine intervention aside, Toxie was still a powerful opponent, he simply wasn't up to the Thing's level of power. Even when it came to fighting skills, the various kinds of combat that the Thing knew gave him a clear advantage over Toxie, who really only knew sumo wrestling and street brawling, which definitely gave the Thing the upper-hand in the fight.
Boomstick: And unlike the Thing, Toxie didn't have a rock-hard body. Sure, his durability was a lot greater than a normal person where bullets would just bounce off him and he could withstand explosions and swallowing a nuclear core, but he wasn't up to taking hits from someone like the Thing without feeling the pain.
Wiz: And speaking of taking hits, while it's true that Toxie did possess the ability to regenerate, don't forget that he regenerates back into ordinary and powerless Melvin.
Boomstick: And while he could just mutate himself again, he would need toxic waste in order to do that, and that stuff isn't just laying around, not even in a place like Tromaville. Well, not usually anyway. So once the Thing reverted Toxie back to Melvin, he had this fight in the bag. Heh, I guess you could say the Thing really rocked this battle.
Wiz: The winner is the Thing.
TRIVIA
Both Toxie and the Thing started as ordinary humans who mutated into superheroes.
Both are known for having a hideous appearance.
Both belong to a superhero team (Fantastic Four/Toxic Crusaders).
Both are capable of incredible feats of strength.
Both have superhuman endurance.
Both have blind love interests.
Both have a catchphrase (It's clopperin'/cleanup time).