A/N: So, I've had this story finished for about a month now. I just haven't posted it because I've been horrifically depressed. My mom passed away unexpectedly almost three weeks now. If you still read my stories on the Fanfiction site, please bear with me as I try to acclimate to this change. I've been my mom's caretaker since she got hurt last year and her passing was wholly unexpected, she was my best friend, and I don't feel anything like I used to without her around. She loved to hear me read the stories I wrote, and she supported my love of writing. It was her that encouraged me to share my writings even when I was ready to quit writing or sharing my work altogether a few months ago.
To those readers that have lost a parent, how do you do it?
I tried to correct any mistakes, so if any typos are located - they are entirely mine.
Trigger warning - mentions of miscarriage, suicide, and attempted homicide.
Also, if you recognize the lyrics to a song - I was using a memory from a home video - my mom used to sing an abridged version of Daisy Bell to my brother and I when we were both babies. No copyright infringement intended.
Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010 - this will eventually be crossposted to my AO3 account where my pseud is also IloveTorun.
John checked his watch as he was stepping out of a diner with a couple classmates from university. He was carrying a white cardboard container which held lunch for Alan. As promised, John had gotten Alan a veggie burger and was now on his way to pick up Alan so they could head home.
He walked a couple blocks, losing himself in the bustling streets of New York. When he'd turned down into the shopping district, he spotted Alan. The boy was using a hooked stick to pull some metal shutters down over the front half of the building. Once done, Alan had skirted into the alley where the side entrance to the building was open. Going in, John watched as Ms. Maggie opened her till drawer and paid Alan for his help. It didn't look like much, but Alan was already shaking his head. He was likely refusing the payment.
"Hi! How did everything go?" John asked as he walked in the same way Alan had. Through the side entrance.
"Hi John." Alan said it was a little less bubbly than normal, but John just assumed it was because he was tired. He didn't know offhand how much Alan had worked previously or if he'd ever done anything apart from chores. Though, recalling something Alan said, John was sure Alan had never worked a day in his life. He was fourteen after all.
"Alan was such good help, he helped me cut down on some clutter." Ms. Maggie said as she patted Alan's shoulder with a smile. She also picked up a book and slid it into a bag of stuff. John could see that it was a conglomeration of socks, gloves, hats and knit caps. Alan smiled, hugging Ms. Maggie with great care. "I love you boy."
"Love you too Ms. Maggie." Alan reciprocated, pulling out of the hug. His smile didn't quite reach his eyes. John wondered what was up.
Once Alan and John had left Ms. Maggie's to walk home, they devolved into a strained silence. John handed Alan his veggie burger and both boys stopped on their walk home, taking a seat on a bench so Alan could focus on eating instead of allowing his food to go cold.
Alan dug in and gave a smile after the first bite. John watched the many people bustle around them. He was a frequent people watcher and found his desire for human contact outside of his family unit cured just by watching the many throngs of people hurrying from point A to point B and he couldn't help thinking that he was glad not to be part of the hurryhurryhurrygogogo lifestyle yet.
"So, Sprout, how did you like helping out Ms. Maggie today?" John asked as he glanced down at the younger boy by his side. Alan had slowed in his eating and was now staring down at his shoes.
"I-It was great John. I'm glad I could help Ms. Maggie out. She's all alone there and I know she also appreciated the company." Alan started, keeping his gaze directed downwards.
"Yeah?" John queried as he once again took notice of Alan's dower mood. "What's the matter?"
Alan didn't say anything for a moment, and when he did, he lifted his gaze to meet John's eyes.
"Do you ever wish you could go back in time to stop someone from making a big decision, even if it meant that you never existed?" Alan asked.
John was surprised and he raised an eyebrow in question before he pulled Alan close, so his back was nestled against John's chest. "Where is this coming from Sprout?"
"I asked Ms. Maggie about my parents…and my mom was like an honorary daughter to Ms. Maggie and her husband. She lived next door to them before I ever existed, and she used to help them at the shop when she had some free time." Alan started to explain. "My mom, Katarina…she was happy and healthy. She met my dad, and they had a whirlwind romance according to Ms. Maggie."
Alan dug into his bag of stuff from the secondhand shop and pulled open a book, reaching in to grab a picture that wasn't yet tacked down. Pulling it out, Alan showed John. "This is my mom and dad.
John took the picture and looked at it. The picture was of two blondes, one a very very attractive blonde woman with waist length blonde hair. Her companion favored Alan, who didn't have much of the roundness of baby fat in his cheeks. He offered a cocky smirk and was holding his female companion close. His arms were wrapped almost possessively around the young woman's waist. John could see the resemblance in both of Alan's parents.
"That's Katarina and her boyfriend Leo. My mom and dad." Alan whispered, his voice cracking as he addressed them as his parents. "I didn't even know their names until today. I only knew my mom by the word mom."
"Oh kiddo." John whispered, feeling his heart break in two for the boy by his side. Life seriously was unfair. And sometimes to the people that already had a poor hand dealt to them.
"I'm not hungry anymore. Can we just go?" Alan asked, discreetly wiping his eyes. He didn't want John to know that he was crying. "Do you want the rest?"
John looked down at the barely touched veggie burger, only two bites were taken from the still steaming food. Personally, he'd never tried a veggie burger, so he didn't know if he'd even like it. Glancing around, John spotted a woman sitting on a bit of damp cardboard. She was holding a crudely made sign asking for help. The words, anything helps were scribbled on the cardboard and John gestured at her. Alan walked over and asked if she'd like the rest of his veggie burger and she smiled. Nodding, she held her hands up in acceptance. Alan handed over the food and the barest hint of a smile graced Alan's face when the woman took a huge bite of the warm food.
Turning, Alan returned to John's side. He wasn't happy now and wanted to be alone. John put a hand on Alan's shoulder to show support and while Alan didn't shrug it off, he flinched. So, John let his hand slide off. The duo made it back to Tracy Enterprise's within the next twenty minutes and as soon as they were past the door of the penthouse, Alan sank to the floor while gazing out the window.
John observed Alan from the kitchen where he was preparing a mug of tea for both he and Alan and watched as Alan wrapped his arms around his knees and buried his face. He felt his heart breaking again for Alan. Clearly learning about his parents had upset the boy and he didn't know what to do to make it better. He didn't dare leave Alan alone. That was probably the worst thing he could do now.
Once the tea was ready, John padded over and crouched by Alan's side. He held the mug in one hand and put his other hand on Alan's shoulder. Alan didn't pick up his head or respond to John. It was like he'd completely shut down.
"Al, come on. I got some tea for you. It's important to stay hydrated." John tried, pausing again after a moment. "Al?"
"Please leave me alone." Alan mumbled, voice depressed and without inflection. Not even any anger. John didn't know what to do and he hesitated to say anything else, unsure how Alan would respond. It seemed a little uncanny that his dad chose to walk in at that moment, finally back from the UK after a weeklong business trip.
Before Jeff could say anything in greeting, John gestured for the older man to follow him into Scott's bedroom where they could whisper to one another without raising Alan's suspicions. Jeff and John both whispered back and forth, discussing how to correct the problem. Jeff ultimately suggested that the best course of action would be to leave Alan be. He knew himself far longer than any of them had and so would be better able to handle mood swings. With their game plan set in place, Jeff and John exited the eldest son's bedroom to find Alan unchanged from his previous position.
Jeff went to grab his suitcase and he smoothly made his intentions known that he was going to get a shower then wash his laundry, primarily so it'd be known that Jeff was home as he hadn't previously announced his return. When Jeff exited the bathroom, dirty clothes in hand; he made light conversation with John and put his clothes on to wash. After some time, Jeff figured that he'd go check on Alan and he sat down on the ottoman. Jeff had asked John to make himself scarce for a few minutes and John indicated that he was going into the guest room to work on assembling the furniture that would make up Alan's bedroom. They didn't need a guest room anymore if it was going to be occupied long term. The guest room had previously been used as storage when not being occupied by Penny during her rare visits stateside.
"Alan, come on buddy…talk to me." Jeff started, keeping his voice soft. "John told me that you learned your parent's names and got to see a picture of them."
Alan didn't reply, keeping his head down in misery or ignoring Jeff's endeavor to contact the boy. It worked only so long before Jeff managed to coax Alan to lift his head.
"There's those striking blue eyes." Jeff murmured, a smile adorning his face as Alan finally looked up at him. "Now, was there something on your mind that you needed to get off your chest? John's been worried about you since he picked you up from the consignment shop."
"No…" Alan answered, voice soft.
"Alan, I know I've only been your guardian less than a month. But even I know that something is troubling you. How can we get to the bottom of it if you shut us out?" Jeff asked, shifting positions from the ottoman to sit beside Alan on the floor. His knees clicked as he got to the floor and Jeff couldn't help but grimace. Sounds like the tin man needed his joints oiled.
"My dad never wanted me…he told my mom to get rid of me. When she refused, he left…how could he do that? He saddled my mom with the responsibility of a kid she probably didn't want, wasn't ready for and then left like we were a bag of week-old trash. I hate him, but then I can't help but feel like he had a point. My own mom couldn't handle having a kid and she gave up!"
Alan unleashed the tempest that had been swirling violently inside his head and once he started, he could only feel his anger and hate grow.
"Who's to say that my mom didn't kill herself because of me? She had insisted according to Ms. Maggie that having me was the best decision she'd ever made…so why? Why take her life? It doesn't even matter to me that she did it on my birthday, but the fact that she did it at all."
In a fit of piteous ire, Alan grabbed the bag that contained the items he'd gotten from Ms. Maggie's and threw it on the ground. Jeff flinched at the violent gesture, but he paused when a little ziplock of memory chips landed on the floor by his foot. The book that Ms. Maggie bequeathed to Alan lay open, the scattered remains of the bag all around the area. Alan himself froze at the sight of the bag. Jeff reached out and picked up the tiny ziplock and raised it so Alan could see.
The memory chips weren't marked, but Jeff could reach the coffee table and he grasped one of the tablets used by the household. Selecting a chip, Jeff inserted it into the slot and watched as a notification bubble appeared. The bubble indicated that the chip was being checked for viruses then a green check mark signified that it was okay to open.
Jeff clicked on the thumbnail and immediately a video began buffering. When the video started, Alan went quiet. By chance, Jeff had selected one of the earliest videos made.
"Charles, I can't wait to meet him!"
"Mags, settle down. We're going to meet him."
By the looks of the video, the voices of the man and woman were pacing a hallway and the woman was who held the camera. The frame swung around, capturing the image of a man holding a balloon advertising that 'IT'S A BOY' and a stuffed lamb. After a few minutes more, a man dressed in scrubs approached the duo and asked them to follow him. The badge on his hip indicated that he was a registered nurse of labor and delivery.
The camera frame shook as the holder practically scooted down the hall and then a large wooden door was opened. Upon entering the semi-darkened room, viewers could see a blonde woman with her hair pulled up in a messy bun atop her head. She was wearing a hospital gown and holding a tiny bundle in her arms. She cradled the bundle like it was the most precious gift in all the world.
"Kat, he's here?" A woman – Ms Maggie also known in the video as Mags queried.
"He's here…he's beautiful." The woman, now identified as Kat for short being Katerina (Alan's mother), she looked up at the camera with tearful eyes. "He's beautiful and I love him so much."
Jeff glanced askance at Alan, watching as his eyes shown with unshed tears as he got a glimpse of the mom, he never got the opportunity to know. Jeff handed the tablet to Alan and pushed himself up to go help John with getting Alan's bedroom fixed up. Might as well leave Alan be for the time being.
~.~.~.~.~
Two hours passed by in a flash, Jeff and John systematically worked together to get Alan's bedroom set up and they stood back to admire their handiwork when Scott entered the apartment followed by his two younger brothers. The three Tracy boys that had just entered the apartment gravitated towards the guest room when they heard Jeff and John talking and they both ogled the results of the two men's efforts.
"Wow, this room looks so different!" Gordon gasped as he saw the bedding had changed from a generic gender-neutral buttercup yellow comforter to a reversible red and black comforter that matched the color that Alan had once said was his favorite.
"Hey, where's Alan at? I'd have thought he'd be eager to help get his room set up." Scott questioned as he looked around. When he didn't see Alan in the living room, he looked at John. "Didn't you pick him up from the secondhand store?"
"Yeah, he's here." John said, lowering his voice. "He's had a bit of an emotional day. Ms. Maggie told him about his mother and gave him pictures. Alan's been coping with having it confirmed that his father wasn't into having a kid and walked out on his mom. He'd told me on our walk home that at one time he'd convinced himself that his father just didn't know about him, perhaps because of a reckless decision. But Ms. Maggie told him everything she knew."
Scott visibly deflated at the news. At one time he'd despised the kid for not apologizing for making him wear two cups of coffee, now that he knew the kid though…he felt his heart break for the boy. Alan didn't deserve any of this.
"So where is he?" Scott questioned.
"Probably hiding behind the recliner. He managed to squeeze in between the recliner and the window earlier." Jeff said as he led his sons back into the main living area where sure enough Alan was lying on the floor, the tablet propped in front of him. There was audio playing softly in the background and the family recognized the melody.
"Al-lan, Al-lan, give me your answer do…I'm so crazy, all for the love of you."
The voice was soft and melodious. Clearly the song was being sung as a lullaby. Alan was lying on his stomach, head resting on his arms as he watched the video with tears endlessly streaming down. He wasn't crying loudly, just remaining quiet. A quick glance of the tablet as they approached showed a tiny, obvious infant Alan resting on his mother's shoulder while she swayed around the room. She was clearly dancing slowly to rock Alan to sleep. Her hair was pulled around to her opposite shoulder that Alan was resting on. The baby Alan in the video began to fuss and cry, leaving Katarina to hurriedly resume the song when she discontinued singing in favor of humming.
Jeff looked at his sons and made a shooing motion with his hands, encouraging them to make themselves scarce so he could talk to Alan in private. Gordon hesitated, wanting to check on Alan himself. He'd known Alan longer and felt that he should be the one to help Alan. Not his dad or his brothers.
Jeff inclined his head, making it clear that Jeff wanted to be alone with Alan. Gordon didn't understand why, but he listened to his father and left with his brothers. He hoped to see Alan when they got back from wherever they were going and talk to him. Once they quietly exited the apartment, Jeff made his way over to Alan and knelt. Alan looked up at him and sat up. The video had since ended, and Alan wiped his eyes.
"Are you going to be okay kiddo?" Jeff questioned as he accepted the tablet back when Alan handed it to him and powered it down.
Alan took that as permission to allow more tears to fall and he sobbed, burying his head once more in his knees as he choked out. "I miss my mom."
Jeff hugged Alan, glad that his foster son hadn't pushed him away and had accepted the comfort. Jeff closed his eyes and just let the boy cry. Being a foster parent was one of the hardest things thus far that he'd ever had to deal with, next to committing his wife and burying her in the same week.
He hadn't convinced himself that fostering would be easy, he'd known people that had been in and out of foster care at different stages of his life. Hell, his own wife, God rest her soul had been in and out of foster care. She hadn't had a good upbringing. An absent mother and an alcoholic father that was more physically abusive than kind.
Jeff always remembered the day they met had been memorable. She was barely eighteen and he was twenty-two. She'd run away from home to another foster house and had been homeless. Jeff had seen her outside of a diner, panhandling for spare change. He at the time was trying to attend college and was bussing tables to make ends meet. He'd seen her there, every day and one night when he was the last to close and had taken pity on her. He had hidden a freshly cooked meal that the cook had prepared for him to take home. And he went outside and handed it to her like his own stomach wasn't rumbling out of hunger. He'd worked a long double and was famished. She gaped at him and then had torn into the meal with gusto. Jeff had honestly never seen someone tear apart food quite so fast and then he'd gotten into the habit of repeating his act of kindness. They'd eventually come to speaking terms and then Jeff invited her to come stay with him.
The rest, as they say, was history. They'd developed a rapport with one another and then had begun to date. Their relationship had fast become like a fairytale. They'd married not long after they'd begun to date and then were quickly pregnant with Scott. Lucy had handled each pregnancy like a pro, graceful in all that was thrown at her. She accepted the morning sickness with John and the crying jags with Virgil as well as the forgetfulness with Gordon. It wasn't until their fifth pregnancy that things had taken a turn for the worse.
Lucy had horrible morning sickness practically every second of the day, which coupled with mood swings that swung between extreme happiness to terrifyingly bad anger and insomnia. Jeff was just as tightly wound as Lucy and was hoping for the pregnancy to reach a stage where things would even out. And it had, to a point. About the second trimester Lucy's near constant morning sickness had subsided every other day and her mood swings had drastically lessened. Now her insomnia was just pushing Jeff's buttons, but he knew there wasn't anything that could be done. He'd been massaging Lucy's back and smoothing lotion across her stomach, glad that Lucy was allowing him to touch her when it all had gone wrong.
Their baby had gone from rolling around like a gymnast to completely still and neither of them noticed. Three days after the baby had fallen still, Lucy had sensed something was wrong when normally she could rile the baby up by tickling the sides of her stomach and there'd been nothing. Lucy had called her OB and scheduled an emergency appointment and found out the baby was gone. No heartbeat could be detected and after the impromptu birth, had found the cord had wrapped around the baby's neck and snuffed out the tiny life that hadn't even begun. Lucy had been inconsolable. She was nothing like she had been, and Jeff didn't blame her. Lucy took it hard, blaming herself for the loss of the baby and wouldn't listen when Jeff tried telling her otherwise.
His granny had made the off handed remark that the loss of the baby was god's way of correcting a mistake and Jeff honestly believed that was what had pushed Lucy over the edge. They'd had early in the pregnancy miscarriages a couple of times before and never had a reaction such as this. She'd snapped and tried to drown Gordon while giving him a bath and Jeff had come home early due to having a bad feeling. He just thought he was coming down with a stomach virus that the kids had been passing around. He'd disrupted Lucy and he thanked God he had. Otherwise, he'd have been burying another of his loved ones.
"I miss my mom." Alan choked, crying gradually getting a little louder and Jeff pressed the boy's face into his shoulder and whispered in his ear.
"Shh, Alan. It's okay buddy, it's okay. You're gonna be alright! Calm down, calm down. Shh!" Jeff murmured, kissing the side of Alan's head, and holding the boy tightly to his chest. He refused to let go until Alan was the first to do so.
Alan cried for several more minutes, asking why in between coughs and sniffles why his mom was gone and why did she do it. Jeff wished he had an answer for his foster son, he really wished he did. But unfortunately, he didn't, and he didn't want to feed Alan false promises. So, he just said what he thought was right.
"I don't know Alan; I really wish I did. But one thing I do know is that your mom loved you. Those videos of her show us all that. I don't think she meant to hurt you. But you're still here to carry on her legacy."
Alan pulled out of the hug and looked into Jeff's eyes. His own were tinged red and swollen from crying and Jeff hugged him tighter. To Jeff, he was pretty sure that this was the first time that Alan allowed himself to grieve his mother's death. He had been so young, had never understood death and now that he was older, he knew that death was forever. Jeff was happy that Alan felt comfortable in releasing this in front of him. He felt like it was a huge step in the right direction. But it also showed Jeff some of the harder aspects of his choice to take in a foster child. Fostering was always going to have ups and downs and that was a given. Fostering, like relationships or friendships, had a fair share of tumultuous moments and that was also what made people, family, and friends stronger. Facing the storm together.
~.~.~.~.~
Gordon was sitting on the floor, outside the door to the apartment. Scott was pointedly ignoring the sounds of sobbing coming from beyond the door and focusing on his phone, meanwhile Virgil and John both shared looks of sympathy between one another while sipping from the straws of heated lattes they'd gone to get. There was a carrying tray by Gordon's knee with an americano for their dad and a chai tea for Alan. They'd leave at the silent gesturing of their dad, if they'd return and would hear the television playing or something other than the sobbing that caught them off guard. Gordon had wanted to open the door and storm in, but Scott had stopped him.
It wasn't until they could hear Alan asking why his mom did what she did that made them all understand, and they'd all figured that their dad could work his dad's magic on the upset teenager.
Gordon had taken to biting his lip, his breathing coming in tight puffs. He couldn't remember crying for his own mom, to be honest he didn't remember her enough to cry about her. His brothers had, he's sure he had. But it was still hard to hear his best friend breaking down. The Alan he knew previously was a good kid, a bit of a boastful albeit quiet person. But this Alan that was opening up more, was a side to his friend that he hadn't seen. It didn't make him like his friend any less, but it did solidify that the kid knew how to cry. All the times he'd been moved from foster homes in the time he knew Alan, the times he'd seen Alan take a spill while rollerblading or that time a few months ago when he thought he broke his wrist after a stunt gone wrong…he'd never once seen or heard Alan cry.
The crying gradually got softer and then silent altogether. Gordon checked his watch, one hour of near constant crying. They remained in the hall; all four boys having taken to sitting on the floor. A few minutes passed after the crying silenced and then Scott got a text message- letting the boys know that they could return. Alan was asleep. He'd cried himself out. Scott stood up and opened the door, poking his head in the room carefully and spotting Jeff. The patriarch was sitting on the floor, Alan asleep next to him. The boy was curled up, a lap blanket that normally draped over the back of the couch covered Alan. His head was resting on a throw pillow beside Jeff's thigh, and he had an arm draped over Alan's shoulders. He was rubbing circles into Alan's shoulder with his thumb and looking down at the teenager.
Jeff glanced back at his sons and held up a finger in front of his lips, reminding them to be quiet. The television was playing, muted with closed captioning scrolling across the screen so Jeff could watch the weather report. Jeff looked relaxed, his ankles crossed and extended in front of him while he reclined against the couch. There was an empty water glass next to Jeff's knee and he had another on his other side.
"Hey, you got the kid to calm down?" Scott whispered as he crouched by Jeff's side, taking in how Alan was sleeping fitfully, his breathing still stuttering a little.
"I gave him some water and he calmed down a little bit. Was still pretty upset though." Jeff whispered back. He gently squeezed Alan's shoulder to let him know that he was still there with him, and Alan settled more. "I really think he needed this. To cry. This boy has kept us all, apart from Gordon at arms length and I think he needed this to help him blend in with our family."
Scott nodded silently and stood back up, going to the kitchen to put the dishes away from the dish washer. John dutifully pulled out his laptop and began typing meanwhile Virgil sat opposite John to work in his sketchbook. Gordon was left standing by, wondering what to do when he chose to sit on the couch behind his dad and Alan. He climbed over the backrest and sat crisscrossing his legs and watched the news with his dad. He was watching Alan. Waiting for his best friend to wake up so that they could talk, and Gordon get a chance to try to get a better idea on Alan's mental state. He constantly worried for his friend, especially when he relied on what Jace or Nathaniel told him about Alan being considered a high-risk foster. He'd like to believe that Alan would never go that route, but sometimes people saw no other way. His own mom hadn't and apparently neither had Alan's mom.
Sure, Alan had said he wasn't suicidal…but he's pretty sure the people that do follow through hadn't always been. Such as his mom. His dad always talked about how happy she was, never allowing anything to really get her down. But it was the loss of the new baby, post-partum depression and something insensitive that his great grandmother had said that all led to his mom losing it.
Alan slept for the next forty-five minutes and woke up to look around the room. Jeff was still sitting next to Alan; Gordon was lying on his back playing games on his phone. John was helping Scott in the kitchen and Virgil was focusing on his sketchbook. Everyone was behaving normally, apart from Jeff sitting on the floor and Alan immediately felt embarrassed about crying on Mr. Tracy's shoulder. Jeff, however, knew Alan was awake and he gently squeezed Alan's arm, reassuring the teen with a touch.
Alan sat up and looked around, noticing how the contents of the bag he'd thrown out of anger was neatly piled together. The knit caps were folded in half along with the socks and gloves paired together with appropriate mates. Alan looked around the room when he didn't see the picture that had just been set inside the bag and he felt a tendril of alarm grip his heart. His picture! Where was the picture of his mom and dad?!
Alan began looking around frantically and Jeff seemed to pick up on Alan's behavior because he picked up a glossy polaroid and extended it to Alan.
"Is this what you were looking for?"
Alan reached out and plucked the delicate item from Jeff's finger, relieved that it was undamaged.
"An important picture?" Jeff questioned as he inclined his head to look at the picture in Alan's hand.
"It's one of the only pictures Ms. Maggie had of my mom and dad together." Alan explained as he gently ran a thumb over the picture, glad to know what his parents looked like. He could see that he looked a lot like his father, except for his eyes and skin tone matching more of his mom. He had his dad's corn maize blonde hair and the same nose. He assumed he had his mom's figure, his caseworker always remarked that Alan would be tall and willowy when he grew into his arms and legs. In the meantime, though, he still had limbs that were as uncoordinated as a newborn colt when he was just walking around.
Jeff was rendered speechless as Alan let him look at the picture. His suspicion that Leonard and Alan looked a lot alike was even more cemented in stone. The smirking man in the picture looked like Alan who was cocksure and more rugged, like someone that hadn't lived an easy life early on. But the resemblance was practically like looking into a mirror. Alan looked like his dad and his dad looked like Alan. Alan's dad looked like Leonard. Jeff would recognize that smirk anywhere, but he didn't dare say anything to Alan. Not yet. He couldn't do that to Alan, give him hope and then take it away. Especially if Leonard wasn't his biological parent and was merely a look-alike.