Chapter 2: soft, cold hands
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
He found her sitting on the ground outside of the Greenhouses, enjoying the warmth of the sun. Her eyes were closed, her head tilted towards the sun while her hair flowed around her in the breeze. The colour of her hair looked especially good in the sun, making her look like an angel. It was one of the things that made him fall in love with her. His eyes used to find her so easily just because of her hair. He still appreciated the sight of it even though it was more platonic now.
Their relationship was rocky at first because James used to be so sure that they would end up together. He used to imagine their future together until Lily rejected him during their Fifth year. She had pulled him aside and told him that she wouldn't ever date him but that wasn't James' fault because she didn't want to date any boy ever. James remembered staring at her chewing her lips nervously before he thought ' oh '. A few weeks later, he had noticed the way Remus was looking at Sirius and had another oh moment, which made him spiral into his own oh moment when he tried to imagine himself snogging boys. It was an interesting year for him.
Her rejection and admission were for the best because finally, they were able to become friends. Lily was a very observant and honest friend to him and that was something that he treasured. She saved him from a lot of trouble and bad decisions.
He sat down next to her, crossing his ankles in front of him. She turned to see who bothered her sunbathing but immediately smiled at him when she saw that it was just him.
"Jamie!" She greeted him happily. "I was expecting you."
"Were you really?" He was surprised to hear that.
"It's been two and a half days and you haven't annoyed me with your questions and impossible tales. So, yes, I have been expecting you to show up and tell me about how you made the wooden bridge disappear or how you can't bare looking at Remus and Sirius snogging all the time so you are now begging on your knees for me to help you find some spell so you don't have to endure this torture any longer." Lily said dramatically, touching the back of her hand to her forehead like she was about to faint. James rolled his eyes. Remus and Sirius weren't that bad.
"Har, har. You know me so well, Evans," James joked. "Maybe I'm here to enjoy your brilliant personality." Lily raised her eyebrows, signalling to him that she didn't believe him for a second.
"Doubt." She said plainly.
"Yeah, you're right," James admitted hesitantly. "Good news; I didn't make the bridge disappear but it does have something to do with Sirius. And his brother."
"Oh, Merlin!" She breathed.
"I know." James nodded. "I wanted to ask you about your relationship with Petunia. Is she still being horrible to you?"
"She's worse if you can believe that. I thought maybe as we get older and mature, she would get over her jealousy but—," Lily shrugged sadly. "I don't know. Sometimes people don't want to change. They are comfortable in their vileness. Why do you ask?"
"I'm trying to help them reconcile and I thought your perspective would be valuable." James explained. They had talked about her sister before because he had found her looking rather upset on the train a few years ago, just sitting alone with red, puffy eyes. James never thought about how isolating Hogwarts could be for a Muggleborn. Hogwarts didn't only create physical distance between the families and their children. There was an emotional distance present too and that was why no one could relate to or understand Lily in her family. It was a scary thought, to be so alone.
"Yeah, I'd say I know quite a bit about dysfunctional siblings so ask away."
"Let's say that you get a letter from her tomorrow and she writes down how sorry she is for treating you badly and she wants to have a good relationship with you again. What would you think?"
"I guess it depends. For me, three things need to happen in order to forgive her," She held up her index finger. "She has to apologise," then her middle finger, "She has to mean it." and lastly, her ring finger, "And she has to change. If one of them is missing, I don't think I could make myself set things aside."
"Is it that easy?" James asked and Lily grimaced.
"No, James. Judging by the fact that she hasn't done any of these, I imagine they are incredibly difficult things to do and at this moment, it feels impossible to forgive. They might be easy things to list but people have pride and wounds, which makes it harder for them to see that they did something wrong. I wish it was easy though." Lily said fiercely while twisting the fabric of her skirt between her fingers. James clenched his jaw, trying to swallow his dislike for Lily's sister because how can anyone not like her? He couldn't imagine Lily doing anything cruel to her. She was the nicest person he knew.
"I wish it was too," he agreed wholeheartedly. "But do you think there are some parts of you that still like her?"
"It's a weird thing. Some days I don't want to look at her because she's so awful, but other days I wish I could do things with her that other sisters do, like have a picnic at the park or make a book club," Lily released the fabric and petted it down softly so it would sit nicely against her legs. "Though, the straightforward answer to your question is yes. I find it hard to dislike her all the time."
"I think Sirius feels that confliction but I don't think he has a straightforward answer like you do."
Lily smiled at him, gently shaking her head. "If he's conflicted I think that means that he still loves his brother."
"That's what I thought but then yesterday he looked so uncertain about it." James still thought that he was doing a good thing by trying to befriend Regulus but he couldn't help but feel a little discouraged by Sirius's contradictory emotions.
"I think that's fine. They have a difficult relationship. It's hard to see through all that has happened between them." Lily said it like it was no big deal and maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was. James had no idea, he just wanted to help.
"Do you think—, Can I help him somehow?"
"I know you so I am sure that you are already doing everything that you can, aren't you?" she answered so confidently that it immediately put James' mind at ease. He was doing everything he could think of. "I think you're expecting me to give you some sort of spell or potion to make everything easier but there isn't any. Forgiving another person is like trying to make an Umbrella Flower bloom. It's very complicated and a lot of people will give up before they succeed but it can be really beautiful. Sirius might know that it could be something beautiful and that's scary, isn't it?"
"What do you mean by scary?"
"If they forgive each other then Sirius might think 'why did we fight when we could be like this too?' or 'did I not try hard enough to be a good brother to Regulus? Could I have avoided causing him and me so much pain?' These thoughts are scary because they will lead him to think that maybe he wasn't always in the right. That he made mistakes. I don't know what happened between them and it could easily be all Regulus' fault but," Lily said, breaking eye contact with him and looking somewhere far away. "We all doubt ourselves sometimes."
He stared at her, feeling a mix of fascination and amazement. Sometimes it felt like Lily Evans, even though they were the same age, had lived much longer than any of them. It wasn't the first time he felt like this and he was certain it wouldn't be the last. She had a certain kind of wisdom that he felt he lacked. It made him feel small in a strange kind of way because Lily seemed to remind him that he had so much left to learn.
"Huh," James breathed. "I didn't think of it like that. Are you speaking from experience? Do you doubt yourself?"
"When I feel like things are falling apart, I do,"
"I wouldn't," James said quickly. "Even if everything turned upside down, I wouldn't doubt you."
Lily looked back at him, trying to hide her smile but failing as she hit his arm gently. "Oh, stop it! This isn't about me." As soon as she said it, her eyes flicked back to something and James decided to follow her gaze to see what was drawing her attention away from him.
"Hi, Lily!" The melodic voice belonged to Pandora. A Ravenclaw student, the same age as them, one of Regulus' best friends. "You look lovely today!" She greeted Lily like James wasn't sitting right next to her.
"Thanks! Y-you too!" Lily replied hurriedly, tripping over her words a little. Pandora smiled at her and twirled as she walked past them.
"Oh, Hello to you too, James!" She said belatedly, over her shoulder but James was too surprised to be offended by it. He couldn't believe his eyes, his brain nearly overloaded and his jaw was almost on the ground. He had known for a while that Lily had a crush on someone but she refused to tell him and now he knew who it was.
"Don't!" Lily pleaded.
"Hm, I think this conversation should be about you and your not-so-secret crush."
"Stop!"
"You like her."
"I don't."
"She complimented you and you almost forgot to speak."
"I didn't."
"You'd make such a cute couple. Can I be the flower girl at your wedding?"
Lily groaned loudly as she lay down on the grass, hiding her face in her hands so he couldn't see that her face was nearly as red as her hair. "See? This is why I didn't want to tell you. Whenever someone mentions having a crush, you start acting like you're ten."
"To be fair, I'm a ten out of ten," James joked. Lily drew her hands away from her face to give him the biggest 'you're a disappointment' look that he had ever received in his life. He smiled at her mischievously.
"I do like her," She admitted reluctantly.
"Since when? And how?" James asked curiously. He never paid much attention to Pandora because he had no reason to but that started to change.
"A year or so," Lily answered. "I tripped on one of the stairs and I hit my knees really badly. She helped me to the Infirmary."
"You fell off the stairs then fell for her? Ironic," James snickered. To be honest, he couldn't lie to himself by thinking it wasn't cute. It clearly was. If he fell and someone saved him, it would surely make his heart skip.
"You're just jealous that no one rescued you from those evil stairs yet," Lily joked, sticking her tongue out at him.
"Yeah, I must be," James agreed. Lily held out her hands and he pulled her up into a sitting position again. "Although, I never had any trouble with those very evil stairs before. I usually just place one leg in front of the other and it seemed to work out so far." He liked teasing her. Well, he liked teasing most people when the timing was right but there was something very fun about seeing her coming up with comebacks.
"Is this the thanks I get for sharing my valuable perspectives? Some bloke, you are!"
"Aww, cheer up, Lily! I value your opinion but I have to have some fun with my new-found knowledge of your crush," he smiled. "Tell me more! Do you talk to her a lot? Do you need a wingman? I'm only—"
Before he could finish the sentence, a familiar voice interrupted them.
"Is he bothering you again?" Remus asked Lily. He was standing right behind James so he didn't notice him coming but now he craned his neck upwards to look at his very tall friend. "It certainly looks like it from a distance."
"I don't," James objected.
"No, he's just being himself," Lily said calmly, lifting her hand to her forehead to shield her eyes from the sun.
"Ah, I see," Remus said simply and the two of them nodded at each other in a certain manner that made James think that they were making fun of him…. somehow. "In that case, let me be your saviour and kidnap James. I need to talk to him anyway."
"Of course. We have already finished our discussion anyway." Lily replied, or more precisely, lied because James was, in fact, not done with this conversation. He stood up anyway, dusting off his trousers. He was curious about what Remus needed.
"I disagree but let's continue this later, okay?" James asked before linking his arm with Remus and turning around quickly to prevent Lily from objecting. He was always invested in his friends' love life and Lily wouldn't be the exception.
James pulled Remus, who seemed to enjoy the whole debacle, towards the castle. He needed to get back to the common room soon anyway.
"I was foolish to think you would ever stop bothering Lily. I hope I don't have to remind you that she isn't into our kind." Remus said vaguely.
"Our kind?"
"Yeah, you know, blokes."
"Yeah, I guess you do that instead of her," James said as he let go of the other boy's arm and shoved his hands into his pockets.
"I feel like you're singling me out. I'm not the only one who's into guys," Remus pointed it out and it was true. However, in James' mind, Remus was the original, the blueprint, the pioneer. He was the first to realise his sexuality and was the first to properly deal with it. He was the one to help James too. They had spent a lot of time tucked away in the corner talking about attraction and love and what it meant for them. James used to ask him what it was like to crush on a boy; specifically on Sirius. He wanted to know if it was different from what he felt towards Lily. From what he gathered, it was similar but also different.
"I'm aware," James said. "And you don't need to remind me. I was talking to her about Pads and Regulus."
"Merlin, are they all you can think about now?"
James thought about it for a second. "No, but it's important to me." Suddenly the thought that he technically lied about what he was talking about with Lily occurred to me and he gasped. It wasn't just about Sirius and Regulus. "Oh, I figured out one of Lily's secrets but I can't tell you," he sang happily. Remus always seemed to be ahead of them so it was rare that James knew something before he did.
"You know who she likes?" The other boy asked, raising an eyebrow.
"You know she likes someone?" James asked back, feeling shocked but not surprised. He didn't know if Lily told anyone else.
"Kind of," Remus answered hesitantly.
"How?"
"I just pay attention to her. She has been awfully worried about how her hair looks. She even asked me if I think there is a spell to 'stop her hair from moving weird in the wind.'" Remus said, making invisible quotation marks in the air. "I know she cares about her looks but she has never cared about it this much. The obvious answer is that she wants to look pretty for someone."
"I see. What you are saying is that if you like someone you want to look pretty for them. Do you also wanna look pretty for Pads?" The embarrassed flush on Remus' face was worth nearly getting pushed into a bush by him. Fortunately, James caught himself at the last second and evaded it quickly. He thanked Merlin for his fast reflexes.
"Bloody hell, you're lucky I love you," Remus sighed in defeat.
"Aw, I love you too," James told him quickly before he could even think of taking it back. They finally reached the courtyard and James pulled Remus towards one of the stone benches. "Anyway, you wanted to talk about something?"
"I talked to Regulus today."
James couldn't hide the shock that took over his face. He meant to involve Remus more later on but he wasn't against him doing it sooner either. Still, he was surprised.
"Yeah?" James asked dumbly. "What—How?"
"I didn't mean to but I was in the library because I wanted to read Runes in Practice and he was there, trying to reach a book and I helped him." The mental image of Remus towering over Regulus to help him was surprisingly amusing. Especially because James didn't think he was the type of bloke who liked accepting help from others. He almost regretted that he wasn't there to see it, since Remus had asked if he wanted to accompany him to the library.
"Did he say anything? About Sirius? Or me?" James asked, barely containing his curiosity.
"Kind of. He stared at me after I handed him the book. Then he asked if you still have a plan for tomorrow after your Quidditch practice," Remus said slowly like he was trying to call black every detail of the conversation. "I told him that you do. He said that he might be 5 minutes late then he was gone."
"Oh," James breathed softly. He felt touched in an odd way. If anyone else did this, it would be a kind, normal thing to do. But it was Regulus and James felt something inside his chest warm up.
Did he think I would leave if he wasn't on time? , James thought to himself.
Cute , he added faintly.
Even if Regulus didn't warn him, he would have waited for him.
"That's-," James struggled to put his thoughts into words but thankfully Remus saved him from saying anything out loud.
"Sometimes even the smallest push can open a door," Remus said. "You're doing fine with him but-, I had a disagreement with Sirius about this whole thing. That's why I wanted to talk to you. I'm trying to be so gentle about their situation but he keeps brushing me off. I don't know what to say to him to make it better." Remus lowered his eyes, studying the cracks in the floor. The way he held his body was so rigid and tense. James hated that this was so difficult on the both of them.
"I can talk to him alone. Not today though because I agreed to teach Marlene some chess tactics." He thought of everything that Lily had said to him then added, "But maybe we just have to be patient with him, give him a few days to deal with it on his own."
Remus relaxed a bit, looking back at James as he said, "Yeah, you might be right. I'd feel better if you talked to him though."
"I will," James reassured him.
"Thank you!"
"No need to thank me, Moony. I don't know if he got over worse things but he will do it. He has to. There's no stopping it. Otherwise, what? We will all be friends with Regulus except him?" It felt impossible for that to happen. Lily was probably right about Sirius having doubts and fears regarding Regulus but James trusted that his desire to make things better between them was greater than his fears.
"Yeah, he has to," Remus repeated, then sighed in exasperation. "It's frustrating because I know he will be so much happier once this weight is off his shoulders."
"I know what you mean." James leaned his head back, closing his eyes. It was so easy for him to imagine what it would be like to have them all together. "He said he wanted Regulus sitting next to him at the Gryffindor's table, and he will. They will bicker over stupid things while we eat breakfast and he will be so happy. I can see it so clearly." James imagined them elbowing each other, throwing mean glances at each other but all in an affectionate way. James would sit opposite Regulus and he would watch them fondly, trying not to show how proud he was of himself. He wanted this to become reality.
Remus just hummed faintly next to him and when James opened his eyes, he saw that Remus' were closed. "When we are in the dorm, he will whine about something Regulus said and we will brush it off because we all know he's enjoying that he gets to whine about his brother in a different way. He and I will lay on our bed and he will have this secret little smile on his face that only I can see."
"Sounds nice, doesn't it?"
Remus opened his eyes and smiled at James. "It really does."
They sat in silence for a while and James watched the other students around them. He wondered if others were dealing with problems like them. If others were also burning with desire to help their best friend like he was.
"Did you say you are going to play chess with Marlene?" Remus asked suddenly.
"Oh, yeah. She wants to hold a 'friendly' tournament with our teammates. She thinks it's good for bonding." He was more than happy to help her even if he would be revealing some of his secrets. He could always brainstorm with Peter, who was the only person other than his dad that beat him regularly.
"Interesting approach."
"You wanna join us? You're better at explaining than me."
"Sure but I'll warn you that I haven't touched a single piece in two years."
"That's fine."
James felt frustrated during their Quidditch practice. Not with his teammates, but with himself. He was utterly distracted by the reminder that he would soon practise with Regulus too. He tried to redirect his attention and concentrate but he felt like he was fighting a losing battle. He couldn't understand why he was so all over the place. He already talked to him before. It wouldn't be the first or the last time. He had no reason to act this way. Yet he kept looking at the Clock Tower in the distance, hoping the time would fly faster.
It wasn't until Marlene threw the Quaffle at his head that he started paying closer attention to his teammates. The annoyed look on Marlene's face was scary enough for him to not look at the clock again. He would rather avoid getting a concussion.
It was only their second practice so not much has changed but he noticed that at least some of them were listening to the advices that he gave up before the practice. They were small improvements but they still mattered. Especially when the smallest mistakes could make them lose a game. They all remembered how close they were to winning two years ago. If only their seeker was a little bit faster… But that didn't matter. This was a new year and they would prove to everyone that they were the best team.
When the practice ended, James flew close to the ground but he didn't get off his broom. He told his teammates that they did good and watched them as they all left the pitch. Except for Marlene who looked up at him, eyes narrowing as she eyed him suspiciously. James nearly started sweating under her heavy gaze.
"What are you up to, Potter?"
"I don't know what you mean," James said innocently.
"You are distracted and not leaving. You stayed the last time too," Marlene stated, her head tilting to the left and after a short pause she continued, "With Regulus Black."
"Those are some undeniable facts," James nodded. Whatever response Marlene was expecting, this was certainly not it. She shook her head and her upper body started to turn away from him like she wanted to leave but at the last second she changed her mind with a huff.
"Are you secretly dating your best friend's brother?"
James stared at her, mouth hanging open, eyes widened in disbelief. He didn't know if he should be offended by the fact she thought that he would go behind his own best friend's back to date his brother or feel elated because she thought Regulus wasn't out of his league. As his shock subdued, he felt laughter bubble up in his throat and he did nothing to suppress it. He threw his head back and laughed like never before, which seemed to piss off Marlene.
"Stop laughing!" She ordered.
"I'm—, I'm sorry," he panted. "I had no idea you thought so lowly and highly of me at the same time."
"What?"
James exhaled slowly, finally calming down enough for his voice to waver because of his laughter. "I'm not dating Regulus. I just practise with him."
"You realise that from my point of view that sounds like a lie, right?" She asked.
"Maybe but it doesn't make it any less true," James answered calmly. He had nothing to hide. He wasn't doing anything wrong. Sure, it was a mistake to be so distracted by Regulus during practice but it wasn't morally wrong. People thought about other beautiful people all the time.
"Okay, I believe you," she said eventually, shrugging like it didn't matter that much to her. "Oh, and by the way, I'll continue learning chess from Remus without you."
"Without me?"
"Yes, I don't want you to know my full repertoire," she explained with a gleam in her eyes. "I want to put up a good fight." James liked the sound of that. He liked a good challenge and he knew that Remus and Marlene would come up with a good, complex idea. He should ask Peter for help too.
"I'm a little hurt but I forgive you," he said, grinning despite his words. "I won't hold back."
"I don't expect you to," she told him with a wink before turning away and leaving.
James gripped his broom and flew high enough to see the Clock Tower. There was still time before Regulus would arrive so James decided to do swirls and dives as a warm-up. He could do all the tricks that existed but it was rare for him to ever utilise any of them. Chasers, in general, weren't overly flashy but they were captivating. James enjoyed it when people looked at him and the way they cheered when he scored a point. He was very used to it but not so used to it that he didn't notice that someone was looking at him from the ground.
He knew it was Regulus without looking but he looked down anyway. As soon as the other boy noticed that James was aware of his presence, he straddled his broom and flew to James. James immediately noticed that Regulus looked more tired than he did last time.
"Show off," Regulus said as a greeting. "Did you get my message?"
"I did," James answered. "Afraid that I wouldn't wait for you, Reg?"
Regulus rolled his eyes at him. "You wish, Potter. I can practise on my own just fine."
"Sure," James shrugged, "but it's more fun when I'm here, right?"
Practising alone sounded boring to James and also lonely. Quidditch was a team sport so it made sense that they should keep playing together. Even if it was just the two of them.
"Keep the small talk for later," Regulus sighed and released the snitch from his hands. James bitterly noted that Regulus evaded their conversation again but he couldn't dwell on it because Regulus was already flying after the snitch and James refused to let him catch it easily.
It was exactly like last time except that James was more prepared. He knew exactly what to expect from Regulus this time around. He knew that if a dive seemed too dangerous, Regulus would do it anyway. He knew that if he wasn't watching his right side, Regulus would try to knock him down. Because of this, James felt like he did much better than last time. He reacted quicker and was sharper. Still, it annoyed him that he couldn't surprise Regulus the way he wanted to.
It wasn't fair.
James kept glancing at him, shocked, surprised, and in awe. It felt so one-sided. For some reason, he wanted to impress Regulus too.
After executing an incredibly hard dive, James realised that every muscle in his body was screaming for a break. They had been going for more than an hour and it was taxing. So he let Regulus catch the snitch while he flew to one of the spectator towers and sat down, leaning his broom against another seat. It was so good to sit down and let his body rest.
Soon enough, Regulus appeared and sat down a seat away from James, which stung a little bit. If he wasn't so tired, he would've moved closer to him but his body wasn't ready to move just yet.
"More than decent," Regulus said so quietly that James almost missed those three words.
"Huh?"
"I said, more than decent."
It took a few seconds before it registered to James what Regulus meant. Last time he said James was only decent but today he had a change of heart.
"Is that your expert evaluation?" James asked, a smile spreading across his face. Regulus looked back at him, unsmiling and wary, as though he was regretting his previous words.
"It is."
"Does 'more than decent' equal 'good enough to beat Slytherin'?" That seemed to amuse Regulus a little, because a shy smile appeared on his face, which he tried to hide by turning his face downward.
"You wish."
"Are you an expert on me too?" James questioned. "You sure seem to know a lot about what I wish for."
"That's because I—." His voice died in his throat at the sound of someone calling Regulus' name. It was faint and distant but James heard it too. It took a few seconds to notice that someone was walking towards the pitch and that someone happened to be none other than Pandora.
James was about to reach for his broom and suggest going down and greeting her when Regulus roughly pushed him down and against the wall of the tower so they would be out of sight from Pandora. Most people would probably wonder about what was happening and why but all James could do was stare at the other boy.
They were both crouching, James's back to the wall while Regulus was in front of him, to his right, their thighs touching as Regulus pressed his hand over James' mouth to stop him from making any noise. Not that James would know what to say in this situation. He just stared and stared because they were so close . Regulus' hair was almost touching his face and his palm was pressed against his lips loosely. James almost wanted to do something stupid like touching his hair to see if it was as soft as it seemed, or even stupider things like pulling him into his lap. He wouldn't. Not unless Regulus asked but he couldn't stop himself from imagining what it would be like. His traitorous heart started beating faster at the mental image of it.
Pandora's voice sounded closer but she was still far away from them.
Regulus peered over the edge of the short wall and then quickly crouched back. That was when he finally looked at James and realised that they were way too close. Reluctantly, he drew his hand back and looked away.
"Sorry," he muttered but James ignored it because he didn't need to apologise for anything.
"Why are we hiding?" James whispered. Now that he wasn't held in place by the other boy, he slid down the wall and sat on the wooden floor of the tower. Regulus did the same, leaning his back against the seats.
"She doesn't know I train with you," Regulus said simply, as though it made sense.
"So?"
Regulus huffed out an annoyed breath."I can't—, It's difficult to explain right now. Just trust me. I'll tell her later."
"Ooh, am I your dirty secret, Reg?" James teased. "Would she be terribly angry that you are keeping things from her?"
"I don't keep—Can we not talk about this right now?" Regulus asked, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking agitated. "Let's just talk about something else until she leaves, okay?"
James was liking Pandora more and more by the minute. She really gave him a gift by showing up unannounced. Regulus couldn't easily worm his way out of having a conversation this time.
"Okay!" James agreed quickly. "Ask me about something!"
Regulus looked surprised by the request for a moment before nodding to himself.
"It can be anything?"
"Sure, I don't have anything to hide."
"Are you and Lily Evans together?" Now it was James' turn to be surprised. He wasn't expecting him to ask about Lily. He thought everyone knew that he got over Lily a long time ago. Maybe the news didn't travel to the Slytherins.
"We are most definitely not," James said without any hesitation. "She's one of my best friends and that's all."
"Oh," Regulus breathed softly. "Pandora saw you two together yesterday. She said you seemed… close." The question made more sense now and he nearly became giddy from joy because Pandora talked to Regulus about Lily. The two of them sitting together was an insignificant detail. Yet she mentioned it to her best friend. This could mean that she liked Lily back. James wanted to run and tell her everything.
"We are close, just not like that," James said. "You can't expect me to chase after her for seven years. It's exhausting."
It wasn't exhausting at the time because he liked her so much but looking back at all the things he did just to be rejected over and over again… It was tiring, emotionally. It was his own fault and he certainly learned from it.
"I thought you liked being publicly humiliated in front of every student," Regulus said with a mischievous glint in his eyes which felt like a victory to James.
Regulus was joking about him and James loved it.
"Then I successfully fooled you because I didn't really enjoy it," James admitted. "I was stupid and blind but every heartbreak is a lesson."
Regulus drew up his legs and laid his cheek against his knee, his hair falling into his eyes and James' hand itched to tuck it behind his ears. "What did you learn?" Regulus asked curiously.
"That I try too hard. That I chase love too much," James said honestly. He regretted a lot of things that he did in order to get Lily's attention but he never found it in himself to fully regret it. He thought he became a better, kinder person because of it. That made it hard to say that it was all bad. "Maybe I should let love find me instead, you know?"
Regulus looked at him, really looked at him. James wouldn't be surprised if Regulus told him that he could see his soul because when the other boy studied him like this, it felt like his eyes could see everything. Somehow Regulus possessed the ability to peer under his skin, inside his chest. It wasn't utterly uncomfortable. He just hoped the wild beating of his heart wasn't as obvious as he thought it was.
"Yeah, maybe you should," Regulus agreed softly then he carefully added, "I'm sorry that it didn't work out."
It felt surreal to sit on the floor with Regulus Black and talk about unrequited love and on top of that, the other boy was looking at him like he cared. As though he sincerely sympathised with how James felt but in reality, Regulus had no reason to do that. The sky above them was getting darker and darker, perhaps it was the lack of light that distorted Regulus' pretty face and had James fooled.
"I'm not."
"You're really over her then?"
"Yeah, I'd say so." James wanted to tell him why he got over Lily. He wanted to explain to him that Lily liked someone very close to Regulus but as much as he liked to get involved with his friends' love lives, he would never interfere this way. It wasn't his place to tell anyone.
"And there's no one else?"
James was baffled by this question. "No! I'm offended that you think I give my heart away so easily."
"To be fair, you did give your heart to Lily and Sirius rather quickly. Pardon me for assuming that it's a pattern," Regulus said, lifting his head up and hugging his knees to his chest as he became more guarded at the mention of Sirius.
"They're both very special, no?" James asked carefully but he didn't receive an answer. His eyes fell to Regulus' hands. James never really thought much about hands because well, most people had them. They weren't that interesting.
Except for Regulus'.
His hands looked so delicate and strong at the same time. His fingers were slim and slender, it seemed like they could break so easily. However, the visible, greenish veins under his skin were telling different tales to James. Pressing a kiss to a lady's hand used to be something people would do and when James looked at the other's hand, it made so much sense to him. Regulus' hands were made to be kissed.
"Why do you do that?" Regulus asked suddenly, scaring James out of his thoughts. He didn't realise that while he was staring at his hands, Regulus was watching him. He felt the back of his neck burn.
"Do what?" James asked, acting like he didn't know what Regulus meant. He didn't want to lie but he didn't want to admit it either.
"Stare at my hands."
"They are nice hands," James confessed and the uncertain look was back on Regulus' face. He disliked that look so much. He yearned for that kind, open expression again.
"So, you gawk at them?"
"I don't gawk. I was appreciating them. That's not a crime."
"No, but it's a strange thing to do."
Desperate to stop discussing Regulus' hand before he said something really stupid, James held out one of his own hands."Don't you think mine is nice?"
Unexpectedly, Regulus took James' hand in between his own cold hands to assess it. James bit his lower lip and held his breath as Regulus turned his hand palm up and drew a line across with his finger gently. It was barely a touch but it sent a shiver down James' spine and he realised that he was fucked.
Regulus lifted his head to look at James, still holding onto his hand. "Decent."
James finally let oxygen enter his lungs as he breathed in and started laughing. "One of these days, I will get a better compliment from you than decent."
"Was 'more than decent' not sufficient enough?"
"Absolutely not," James shook his head slowly and caught Regulus' wrist in his hand, pulling it closer to himself. He pointed at Regulus' palm as he started to explain how complimenting worked. "You look at something you want to praise and you say whatever you think of first. For example, pretty, elegant, and lovely. Those are the words for complimenting."
Regulus hummed softly as he pulled his hand back and pressed it close to his chest. "I'll keep it in mind next time I meet someone worthy of compliments."
"Oi!" James snapped. "I'm so worthy."
As an answer, Regulus smiled at him playfully as he said, "We'll see."
James liked this Regulus. He understood why Sirius missed him so much. It must be a difficult thing to know how kind and genuine Regulus could be and not have him at his side because arguments, parents, and pain got in between them.
"I think Pandora left already, by the way," James said suddenly. He wanted to stay here with Regulus, far away from everyone else, and just talk until they solved all their problems but the temperature was dropping and James was getting hungrier.
Regulus looked at him confused for a second, before remembering why they were sitting on the floor in the dark. "You're right. We better go before dinner ends." They both stood up reaching for their brooms. "Same time then?" Regulus asked.
"Same time," James nodded before patting Regulus on the shoulder.
He didn't remember exactly how it started. Regulus just knew that during his Fourth year, something changed. Whenever his eyes landed on James Potter, his heart would beat so rapidly that he got worried that he might be sick from something. It took a few days to realise that he didn't catch anything. He was just utterly attracted to that idiot.
His first reaction was anger but it slowly subdued.
It became a nuisance.
They barely ever crossed paths so he hoped that in a few days, maybe a few weeks, the useless feelings would disappear. Except, they didn't.
The feelings lingered uncomfortably.
The worst thing was seeing James pursue Lily Evans over and over again. Not because Regulus wished that it was him instead of her, because he didn't want to be her. He didn't want any of it. Not the flowers or the poems or anything else that James came up with.
He just felt bad for James.
They both liked someone who would never want them.
James wanted to drown himself in his pillow. He felt so stupid, so daft. His goal was to help Sirius, to do something nice for him, something that he would never forget. Instead James miscalculated the whole thing and now he started developing a crush on Regulus.
Would Sirius kill him for it? No.
But would this make everything harder because all James concentrated on is how soft his hair looked, how his eyes shined, and how gently Regulus held his hand? Yes.
He got caught staring at Regulus' hand, for Merlin's sake. He was so embarrassingly obvious about it too. He wondered if Regulus knew why he acted so strangely.
He hoped he didn't.
What do people even do in situations like this? , James wondered. He turned to lay on his back and stared at the ceiling helplessly like it could provide him with an answer. He didn't think about what he would do if he got another crush. He didn't want to make the same mistake and pursue someone blindly but he shouldn't hide and bottle up his feelings either. There had to be a middle road somewhere.
He should just rip off the bandaid and tell Sirius as soon as possible. Hiding his feelings was never James' strong suit and his best friend knew him well enough that he could easily figure it out.
James, too, had figured out pretty quickly that Sirius started crushing on Remus. Sirius tried to deny it for exactly five seconds before he leaned his forehead against James' shoulder and confessed everything to him. So, James knew that if he wasn't careful or quick enough he would get ambushed too and he would rather avoid that.
Before he could come up with anything, Peter opened the door of their dorms. "Ready for some chess, mate?" he asked with a hand on the doorframe.
James pushed himself up from the bed. "Of course." Maybe chess was what he needed, a perfect distraction just for today.
They went down to the common rooms which were full of students. James spotted Marlene and Remus who were also playing chess while Sirius just leaned against his boyfriend and was scribbling something in a book lazily.
James and Peter sat down on the window sill, where the chess board was already set up. He stole a glance at Marlene's board, trying to determine what opening she used but it was impossible to tell at this point. So James decided to play to his advantage and chose the opening he knew best.
"Pawn to E4," James declared and the pawn shifted forward.
"Pawn to C5," Peter answered without hesitation. There wasn't much to think about at this stage, they used to play each other so much that they fell into a routine of blitzing out the first few moves before they stopped to think about move sequences that they hadn't tried before. The Vablatsky opening provided enough imbalance that they both had plenty of chances to win so James used this opening over and over again simply because it was exciting for him.
It was Peter who made the first move that diverted from their previous games when he moved his queen to B6, posing a threat to James' knight on D4. James stopped to think for a while, trying to calculate how to defend his pieces but also to attack Peter's pieces. James wished that he could predict what people would do in real life too. It'd be nice to know what Regulus would've done if James brushed the back of his hand against his cheek. Would he pull away, looking uncertain or would he push James away? He hoped it would be neither but then again—.
"Prongs, it's your turn," Peter said, snapping his fingers in front of James' face.
"Yeah, yeah, er, pawn to A3," he said finally. It was a small defensive move, not really a genius or original idea but it was hard to come up with anything when his mind was plagued by grey eyes and soft, cold hands. "Sorry, I got lost in my mind for a second."
"Are you okay?" His friend asked with worry oozing from his voice. "We can do this later too."
James shook his head. "Your turn, Wormy."
"Knight to C6." Now this move was more dangerous, it put James' knight in more danger and he was threatening to take control over the middle of the board. James needed to concentrate if he wanted to win. He pressed his hands to the side of his face to block out everyone around them, focusing fully on the board. Neither of them was making the best moves and he didn't want to be the first to make a blunder.
As the game commenced, they traded pieces and James felt like slowly but surely he was getting the upper hand. Peter wanted a queen trade, which James rejected. Trading them would surely kill all the fun out of the game and lead them into a drawn position so he refused to give up his advantage. After he declined his trade offer he started calculating again. He knew he was somewhat better, he just needed an idea that would improve his position even more. Once more he felt the board and the pieces shrink from his mind as he imagined Regulus playing chess, not wizard chess though where the pieces aligned themselves as soon as you said it, but the muggle kind, where you have to move the pieces yourself. There was nothing provocative about chess but if it was Regulus' elegant finger holdi—.
"James!"
James looked up at Peter startled. Merlin, he was being pathetic. He sighed, letting his head hit the wall with a soft thunk, and pressed a hand over his eyes. "I did something dumb."
"Okay," Peter said slowly. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
James sighed again, dropping his hand into his lap. "Remember what you said to me after the second time Lily rejected me?" For some reason the first time Lily had rejected him didn't hurt him. The second one was worse, more painful. James cried for an hour afterward.
"That you like to put yourself into difficult situations."
"Yeah, well, I like Regulus."
Peter's face morphed from shock to amazement to worry and stopped at something too complex for James to interpret. "Woah, okay. Is that really so dumb though?"
"Yes, of course, it's dumb," James whined. "It could cause complications to Sirius and Regulus."
"Why do you think you're a complication?" Peter frowned at him like he was in the wrong somehow. As though James was wrong about his assumptions.
"I was one to Lily," James said in a hushed tone. He didn't want to be an annoyance or an obstacle for anyone anymore.
"James," Peter said his name so wistfully that he wanted to hide his face again. "I know you haven't liked anyone since her but listen to me, you're different now, more mature and all. You can tell Sirius about this… or not. You can do something about this but you don't have to."
"I don't?"
"You really don't. You felt like you had to initiate everything with Lily but Regulus is a bloke. If he starts liking you, he could initiate something himself and if he does that would mean that you are no complication for him, right? And I refuse to even entertain the thought that you're a complication for Pads. You're not. What is between them has nothing to do with you," Peter said then added, "King to G8".
James was surprised that Peter hadn't forgotten that they were playing chess because he had. "Do you actually think that?" he asked doubtfully. "Knight takes the pawn on E6."
"Don't think too hard about it. Whatever happens, happens. Pawn takes the knight on E6."
James didn't think that he could be so laid back about something like this but he should try to take his friend's advice anyway. He did tell Regulus that he wanted love to find him instead of chasing it so to remain true to his word, he should just see what would happen between them. He didn't think Regulus liked him, most people didn't fall as quickly as James did so he wasn't expecting anything. Being friends with him was good enough for James.
"You're right. Queen takes the pawn on E6."
"I know I am. Knight to F7."
"But do you know that you just blundered? Bishop to G6."
Peter squinted at the board then he looked at James with a miserable expression. "Now that you say that…King to H8."
"Bishop takes the knight on F7."
"Bishop takes the bishop on F7."
"Queen takes the bishop on F7."
Peter groaned loudly before saying, "I resign." And the black king dramatically fell over hitting the ground with a soft thunk as it shattered to many pieces in front of them. "If you play like this, you will win."
"According to Marlene, winning isn't the goal," James complained. "So, I might use the Niffler opening against some of them to build their confidence."
"Winning isn't the goal? The Niffler? Merlin, what a disastrous tournament this will be."
"Oh, trust me, I know." James shook his head, then held out his hand to Peter. "Rematch?"
Peter ended up beating him with black using the Thurkell Defence then agreed to continue playing the next day. As soon as his head hit the pillow, James was back to thinking about Regulus. He had no idea if the other boy ever dated anyone. He had the perfect opportunity to ask when Regulus was asking him about Lily and he missed it because he was too busy staring at his hands. His fingers looked good even without rings but there was something about the way those rings looked on him. James couldn't explain why he found himself so drawn to them. Suddenly he remembered that weird feeling that he had when he studied those rings in the Great Hall. He had felt like something was missing and the realisation just dawned on him. He realised what was missing.
His signet ring.
Regulus wasn't wearing his signet ring.
Regulus hated arguing with Sirius but this one was worse because it felt final.
Sirius had run away from home, leaving their family behind without a word to Regulus, which was surprising. He knew they didn't have the best relationship but he thought Sirius would say something before leaving him behind. It stung like hell. They met each other at Hogwarts and Regulus couldn't stop the hurt pouring out of his mouth. It felt like the end of everything.
He thought that would be it but to his surprise James appeared two days later, pushing Regulus against the wall with a hand on his chest. He was so shocked that he could barely hear what the other boy was saying. He hoped that if James could feel his rapid heartbeat then he attributed it to fear or anything else other than the truth.
He never saw James angry before and his only thought was: beautiful.
Notes:
Did you know that looking at each other's hands is actually top-tier flirting? Originally i planned that James would start falling for Regulus in a later chap but he said nO! Ig it's kind of turned out to be a quick burn but its not my fault. Blame James.
I spent so many hours watching chess tournament and one day I thought to myself "hm, somehow i will make this gay!" The author (fuck her) didn't really care about wizard's chess but i do and i will make it gay. Yes, it will get gayer than this. All the moves/games i'm referencing are real games played by GMs and the openings are real too. I just renamed them after famous people/creatures.
real openings vs their fake names (in case anyone wants to know)
Sicilian Defense = Vablatsky
English: Hedgehog Defense = Thurkell Defense
Ruy Lopez: Berlin Defense = Strougler
Bongcloud =Niffler
In short; playing chess and being gay is top tier dark academia content