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by Bossey

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3. 3

Chapter 3: missing fudge flies

Notes:

i was editing and rewriting parts of this fic and realised that rating is too low probably. i'm going to upgrade it to M, sorry about that/

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

James had seen the Black family's signet ring many, many times before because for years it was on Sirius's finger. It was a gold ring that had a circular piece of bloodstone in the middle and a skull with a bird was engraved into the gemstone. Sirius used to wear it before he ran away and then Regulus started wearing it after that. He remembered how upset Sirius was because of that. James hated how quickly they replaced Sirius. He couldn't recall Regulus not wearing the ring but then again… He didn't pay so much attention to him before.

There was this funny feeling inside James' chest that didn't let him rest until he knew why Regulus wasn't wearing it. He used the map to find him quickly and spot his name in the Courtyard at the base of the Clock Tower. He quickly ran down, nearly tripping on some of the stairs, and found Regulus exactly where the map showed he would be. He was sitting on the edge of the fountain with a book in his hand. James approached him quietly, peering over his shoulder to see what he was reading about.

[… He had yearned for nothing more than to have her, to touch her, to feel her lips against his own but he couldn't. What a terrible fate it was to love someone who couldn't love you back. Someone who was so far away, yet so close. He could talk to her all he liked but it wasn't the same. All their conversation made him only want more…]

Before he could read more, Regulus turned swiftly, throwing daggers at him with his eyes but as soon as he recognised James, his expression shifted from irritation to surprise. James couldn't really blame him, they hadn't talked to each other outside their Quidditch practise.

"James." Regulus said his name like it was a statement, a sentence on its own and it made James smile. He liked it when Regulus said his name.

" Choice of Paradise , huh?" James asked, pointing at the book in the other's hands. He tried his best to look as innocent as possible, like him being here was incidental and him having read that book was also…incidental. "It's an interesting book, isn't it?" Interesting was perhaps not the best word to describe it but that was the only word that he thought of when he finished the book.

The story was about a wizard falling in love with a painting he purchased and going on a crazy mission to turn her into a real human which he eventually did. Only for their romance to turn darker as soon as he had her. In the end, his obsession with her scared her so much that she ran away, leaving him all alone, which led him to realise that his life had no meaning without her.

James was mortified to read about how quickly love could turn into something so dark and twisted and he spent the second half of the book hoping that she would run away as far as she could from him. So, interesting was one way to describe the book.

"Have you read it?" Regulus asked. James nodded as he walked closer to him and sat down next to him, their arms brushing against each other's.

"Yes. Don't worry, I won't spoil it for you."

"Actually, this is my second time reading this," Regulus admitted, closing the book in his lap and James noticed that he wasn't wearing the ring today either.

"You like it that much?" James asked, surprised.

"It's an entertaining book," Regulus shrugged. "There are not many books like this."

"Hm, I guess you're right," James said thoughtfully. He couldn't recall any book that dealt with obsession quite like this one but then again most of the romance books he had read ended with a happy ending. "Infatuation turned obsession might be a rare topic."

"Infatuation?" Regulus questioned, tilting his head to the side in confusion. "You think he loved her?"

"You don't?" James asked back. Wasn't love that started his whole journey into insanity? "He loved her so much that he did everything to make her his."

Regulus laughed quietly and it sounded full of surprise. "I think it was his crazy obsession that made him do everything. Just think about it! Turning a painting of a woman into a real human being is impossible but he attempted it anyway."

"I don't understand," James said slowly. "Wouldn't you do anything for the person you love?"

"I would do anything that was possible."

"What if impossible is possible?" James pressed harder. "Maybe you just haven't tried hard enough. Maybe all you need to do is reach out and take it but you won't because you think that it's impossible."

Regulus stared at him, his mouth hanging slightly open and his eyes hiding a storm inside them. James didn't know what his silence meant but he was quickly losing his confidence as the silence stretched between them.

"I mean, that's just what I think," James added uncomfortably as Regulus continued to watch him. "I think he did love her in the beginning."

Finally, Regulus looked away, swallowing hard as the muscle in his jaw clenched. "That could be an interpretation, you're right."

"But you still don't agree with me?"

"No," The other boy answered, gripping the book harder. "He accomplished an impossible task but in the end, he forfeited his life. I don't think it was worth it. He could've been happier if he failed."

"Or maybe he would've forfeited his life because he failed. He didn't seem like the most stable guy," James pointed it out to him. Most likely, a happy ending was never in the cards for the protagonist.

Regulus nodded his head in agreement. "No, he wasn't, I'll give you that. Can we agree that they were doomed from the start?"

James had no reason to fight Regulus on that so he agreed. "Yeah, that's fair."

"I didn't know that you liked books like this. I thought romance was more your type of genre." This was a reasonable observation except that they hadn't talked about books before so how would Regulus know what he liked to read. James frowned, touching the back of his neck.

"Why do you know what genre I like?"

There was a blank look on Regulus' face as he opened and closed his mouth over and over again, struggling to say something. "Er, well, I just saw you reading that book about—about the, er, guy who pretends to date his best friend and I just assumed that you liked romance."

James squinted at him suspiciously, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "The guy who pretends to date his best friend? You need to be a little more specific because there's a lot of those."

"It's that one with the necklace scene."

"Are you thinking of One of the Kind ?" James asked. He couldn't remember any other book that had a memorable scene with a necklace. "When he puts his mother's necklace on her and kisses her neck?"

"Yeah, that's the one," Regulus said, nodding quickly. James still found it strange that he would remember what James read 3 years ago. It wasn't such a good book that it stood out. But he let it slide as it gave him the perfect opening to the question he had been dying to ask.

"Speaking of jewellery, where's your ring, Regulus?"

Regulus let go of the book and looked at his own fingers, slowly wiggling them in the air. He was wearing four today. "On my fingers?" he asked, obviously not understanding what James was asking him.

"I meant your signet ring." James clarified. "You know the gold ring with the skull and birds? Green stone? Sirius used to have it then you got it."

The blank, guarded look was back on his face as he crossed his arms, hiding his hands in his armpit. "I lost it," he said simply. His voice sounded too toneless for it to be true. He was clearly hiding the truth and James wanted him to admit what he was suspecting.

"No, you didn't."

"But I did," Regulus argued, desperation creeping into his voice. James put his hand on his shoulder reassuringly because he didn't want to scare him away but still, Regulus flinched away at the touch.

"I know you're lying," James said softly like he was talking to a scared bird. "Did something happen between you and your parents?" At the mention of his parents, Regulus tensed up even more, rapidly blinking at James like he was scared of him.

"No, nothing happened," Regulus said as he darted up from where he was sitting, mumbling something akin to sorry, before turning around and leaving James behind.

Bloody hell, James thought as he stood up. He wasn't going to chase Regulus through the whole school in hopes that he would stop lying to him but he wanted to. He wanted to go after him and tell him that he could trust him because maybe he didn't know that James could be trusted with whatever was going on with his parents. James was trustworthy. Peter, Remus, and Sirius trusted him with their whole lives and James wouldn't treat Regulus differently. They were friends now.

Either way, he had to update Sirius on everything that happened. He would want to know if something serious was going on with his brother. He might be able to confirm what James suspected was possible. That it was feasible that Regulus also ran away from their home.

James wanted to reach his hand out and take that impossibility in his hands.

It got worse after Sirius left.

There was a constant pressure building inside his chest and he didn't know what would happen once his ribs could no longer contain it.

He was so, so tired.

He wanted to hide behind his wardrobe and never come out.

James stared at the Slytherin table, searching for Regulus but he was missing. The possibility that Regulus wasn't there because of James made his chest burn uncomfortably. He hoped it wasn't true.

James felt someone tap his elbow and turned to see that it was Peter, who was sitting next to him, making a face at James and signalling at Sirius with his head.

Oh, right, the whole crush thing, James thought. It didn't really feel like the right time after screwing up with Regulus like that. What was he supposed to say? That he liked Regulus but he also scared him away so now he might not want to speak to him anymore? That was way too much.

James silently shook his head at Peter, letting him know that he didn't want to bring it up right now but his friend pinched him on the arm and pointed at Sirius again with his head. James shook his head again persistently.

"Not now," James forced the words through his teeth.

"When?" Peter whispered back.

"I don't know, it's—"

"What are you two doing?" Remus asked, finally noticing his friends' weird behaviour in front of him. James sat up straight in his seat.

"Nothing important. Don't worry." James said at the same time as Peter said, "James wants to tell Pads something." They both looked at each other again, silently glaring at one another. At that, Sirius also looked up from his essay to glance at the two sitting in front of him.

"What about me?" Sirius asked as he placed his elbows on the table and linked his fingers together. James slowly exhaled all the air out of his lung to calm his heartbeat.

"It's not you, it's Regulus," James sighed eventually. "I don't know anything because he didn't give me any answers but he's not wearing his signet ring."

There was a moment of silence before all three of them nearly shouted, "What?"

"What do you mean he's not wearing? He always does like the good son he is. He inherited it after I left. He's the official heir," Sirius said, panic becoming more and more permanent in his voice.

"He said he lost it."

"Liar," Sirius growled. James looked at Sirius's angry face, then at Remus who was looking contemplative, not really seeing any of them anymore, then at Peter who was looking shocked, clearly not expecting him to say this. James had priorities and the mystery of the missing ring was much higher on his list than his own feelings.

"Do you think…" Remus wanted to ask the question they were all thinking of but his voice died in his throat.

"That he ran away too?" Peter finished the question and James didn't know what to say or what to do. Sirius' angry expression slowly turned into something much more sour and sad and James swore that he felt the same painful pang in his chest that his best friend was feeling. He wanted the table to disappear so he could hug Sirius so tightly.

"He wouldn't," Sirius whispered to himself like he was trying to convince himself but as soon as Peter said it out loud, the concept of it became tangible, more real, harder to deny. There was no doubt in James' mind that Sirius would love to put his face into a bucket full of water and scream into it.

"The only thing he said was that he lost it?" Remus questioned finally, his eyes focused on James again, who nodded. "How did he act when you asked?"

"He looked afraid then he just left."

Sirius balled his hand into a fist, the colour slowly draining from his fingers and Remus put his hand over his, his thumb softly caressing his boyfriend's skin. "All signs point to him running away but when Sirius did that everyone knew. How could it be that not a single person knows this? There are no rumours as far as I know."

"Could it be that Orion and Walburga don't want anyone to know because they are hoping that Regulus would come back to them?" Peter's theory was sound. It would make sense that they would keep it a secret because then it would be easier for Regulus to come back to them. There would be less shame around it.

"It could be that but if that's all true, where is he staying? He didn't come to us." What James really wanted to ask was why didn't he come to us. They would've taken him in the same way as they did with Sirius, no question asked, no hesitation. Their house was big enough to house at least a few more people.

"These are all good questions and we can make up theories all night but we will only know for sure if you ask him again," Remus said and James hated that he had to agree with that statement.

"He looked so upset when he left. He might not want to talk to me anymore," James confessed, looking down at the table.

"He will," Sirius affirmed. "He wasn't expecting it so you scared him but he'll bounce back. He always does." James couldn't do anything except nod because Sirius knew Regulus the most and he hoped that he was right about this. If Regulus really ran away that would make James' job infinitely easier because finally Sirius and Regulus would be in agreement about something. On top of that, Regulus doing the right thing would surely be like a healing potion on some of Sirius' old wounds about his brother always choosing their parents over him.

James prayed they weren't wrong about this.

Out of the corner of his eyes, James saw an unusual movement and as he turned, he saw a paper crane flying through the air right at him before he could get over his shock, the paper bird crashed into his forehead and then fell down into his lap. He gently picked it up with two fingers, holding it up in the air to see if it kept flying but apparently the bird was content being held by James. The previous conversation was instantly forgotten.

"What is this?" he asked, looking at his friends in confusion.

"Maybe someone was practising a new spell," Sirius offered.

"So they decided to attack Prongs with it?" Peter asked.

"There could be something inside the bird," Remus said. James lifted the bird up to his ears and shook it hard but it made no noise.

"I don't think so," James told him but he started unfolding the bird slowly, hoping that it wasn't some sort of prank on him. He would hate it if this tiny paper crane would set the whole Gryffindor table on fire or make his hair green somehow. As he unfolded it, he realised that there was a note inside the bird. His eyes grew bigger as he read the first three words: I like you. His first thought was that it might be a prank on him after all but as he kept reading, it seemed less likely.

I like you.

I like you so much, James.

I'd like nothing more than for you to like me back,

but I won't ask for your love.

Please, keep my heart safe with you.

There was no signature, no initials, except for a small drawing of some sort of plant motive with big leaves. James wasn't exactly sure which plant it was or if it was even relevant to the note itself. He slowly turned towards Peter who was reading the note over his shoulder the whole time. They stared at each other for a while before Peter's open mouth turned into a huge, happy smile, and took the note from James' hand.

"Prongs has a secret admirer!" he nearly shouted, making a few students turn towards them curiously. Remus took the note and read it with Sirius before giving it back.

"Oh, woah, okay," Remus said, seemingly feeling just as lost as James did. "Well, that never happened before."

"What… do I do?" James had written a few notes to Lily before but he never received one and it made him feel uncertain, and small.

"Write something on it! Maybe it will fly back to whoever sent it," Sirius suggested as if it was obvious. James grabbed his quill but he didn't really know what to say so he just wrote: who are you?

Peter let out a snort and James sent a mean glance his way. "What? I want to know," James said defensively.

"And you're being very smooth about it," Sirius said, clearly trying to hold back a laugh. James couldn't believe he received his first love letter and his friends were making fun of him.

"Stop it you two! There's nothing wrong with asking that," Remus defended and James was very grateful for his Moony. He looked down at the paper, waiting to see if it folded itself into a crane again but nothing happened.

"Do any of you know how to make a paper crane?"

Once again it was Remus who ran to James' rescue and skillfully folded the small paper into a bird again. They waited again but the bird refused to take flight. Remus even threw it into the air but it just fell back down and landed on the table between the four of them.

"Yeah, I don't think your mystery person charmed the bird to go back to them," Remus said regretfully.

James tried not to feel too disappointed by this. "Make sense. If they did that, I could just follow the bird right to them." He looked down at the note and felt the sadness of the words as he read them again; I'd like nothing more than for you to like me back, but I won't ask for your love . James wanted to ask them why they wouldn't ask for his love. Wasn't that the point of a love confession? This person seemed so sure that James didn't like them back and James had to admit that was probably true. As nice as this letter was, it didn't compare to Regulus' smile. If this person ever revealed themselves, he would have to reject them and that made James feel even worse. They knew he didn't like them and it was true.

This mystery person certainly didn't look like someone who wanted to tell James who they were, judging by the lack of any signature, so maybe with this one note, they told him everything they wanted and he wouldn't be receiving any more of these paper cranes. Selfishly, the thought of that made him feel bad too because secretly he hoped that it wouldn't be the last. It was such a beautiful magic after all…

"Is there someone who has been acting weird around you?" Sirius asked curiously. James thought about it for a second but he couldn't recall anyone behaving shyly around him or flirting with him. He doubted that his admirer would do something like that.

"Nope," he shook his head. Sirius reached across the table, grabbing James' chin with his hand and pulling him closer a little.

"Aw, don't look so sad! We'll figure out who it is and get you a pretty little girlfriend," Sirius said cheerfully. James didn't have the heart to tell him that wasn't the reason why he looked so crestfallen because then he would have to admit to liking Regulus and everything was too much right now.

"Or boyfriend," Peter added. James wanted to bury his head into his hands and scream.

It happened again the next day.

James was up early, running laps with his Quidditch teammates. Marlene was leading them at the front and James was encouraging people from the back, making sure that no one slowed them too much. Running was a good exercise to keep them in good shape and better their endurance, although it wasn't his teammate's favourite thing to do before their lessons started but it would be worth it. All the professional teams were doing the same thing as them and it seemed to work out for them.

He thought he had pretty good stamina thanks to him doing extra practises with Regulus so running wasn't the worst. For others, however, it looked like they were running through hell. There was always someone who wanted to stop or take a break. James reluctantly let them, not wanting to push them too much but they had to rejoin as soon as they felt better.

The best part of running was that his mind let go of everything that was bothering him. He didn't think Sirius and Regulus or their family, his only task was to put one leg in front of the other and keep going until they were done with their regular five laps.

This morning was different, however, because as they started the last lap, something hit James on the back of his neck. He stopped to look around to see if someone threw something at him but there was no one behind him. He almost didn't notice the small paper crane laying on the wet grass. He held his breath in excitement as he picked it up and unfolded the paper just like yesterday.

Last night I dreamt of you,

and I woke up being even more enamoured with you

than I was yesterday.

My sweet,

Sweet,

honey boy,

why are you haunting me in my dream?

Won't you let me rest?

I'm so tired.

James felt his skin grow warmer and warmer until his ears were burning and pressed one of his hands to his ear to soothe the feeling. This note had the same tone of sadness as the first one but in this one, it was mixed with such an obvious yearning that it stole James' breath away. It also had the same drawing of the plant with the big leaves except it was on the other side of the note. James wondered if the sketch was some kind of clue. He couldn't recall anyone who was named after a plant or flower. Maybe it was a puzzle because the plant was obviously drawn on the other edge of the paper.

The opposite sides of the paper, James thought to himself, was that supposed to mean that we are very different? Opposites?

He wasn't sure if he was onto something or if he was overthinking the whole drawing. It might be nothing.

James looked at the last three words of the note and gently ran his finger over them. It wasn't fair that he was causing so much pain to this person and he had no idea until now. The last thing he ever wanted to do was make people feel so bad for liking him. Then his gaze jumped higher and felt himself get warmer again as he reread the line where they called him their sweet honey boy. For a quick moment, James contemplated jumping into the lake. No one ever, other than his mother, gave him a pet name like that and it was wonderful and intimidating at the same time. It made him want to frolic in a flowery field but also jump into a hole.

"Are you okay?" Marlene asked, suddenly appearing out of nowhere, looking sweaty and tired. Oh, right, they were running, James forgot that was what he was supposed to do too. He saw the others were already done with the last lap, stretching on the ground before heading back but not Marlene, she came back to check on him.

"Yeah, I just—" James waved the note in his hand like that was some adequate explanation for why he wasn't running. It was enough for Marlene because her eyes lit up.

"Oh, so it's true? Someone is writing you love letters? I heard some whispers yesterday," she said excitedly, holding a hand out toward him. "Can I see?" James handed it over at once because he understood the excitement around the letter. If it was one of his friends who was receiving them, he would want to read every single one of them and help them try to figure out who it was. "Oh, this is so sweet and mysterious! They seem so taken with you."

"Yes, it seems like it," he agreed. "Do you know what kind of plant that is? It was on the first note too."

Marlene's lips formed a silent O as she looked up at James before studying the drawing closer. "You think it's a hint? I'm not an expert on plants but it looks like a bush killer vine or some type of wild ivy… but it also could be a badly drawn strawberry leaf."

Her guesses were better than his own but still… bush killer vine, ivy, and strawberry leaves? They all meant nothing to him. He couldn't remember any potion that required any of those plants. It felt like a dead end.

"Does any of those mean anything to you?" James asked anyway, hoping that she might know more but Marlene shook her head.

"Sorry, no." She told him. "I'm sure your secret lover will reveal themselves before the year is over and then you can confess your undying love back to them."

James shifted uncomfortably, clearing his throat before opening his mouth. "I already like someone else."

Marlene gasped, her hands half-covering her mouth. He expected her to ask him who it was but instead, she said, "It's Regulus, isn't it? I knew there was something between you two."

"Yes, you're a genius, Mar."

"Your life is full of excitement, isn't it, lover boy?"

"Please, don't call me that."

"Call you what? Lover boy?"

"I'm walking away," James announced, turning around and walking towards the castle but Marlene quickly caught up with him.

"Are you seeing Regulus today? After practice?" she asked. James screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head. He didn't know.

"Maybe."

"Why maybe?"

"It's complicated," James sighed, smiling at her sadly. "He might not come but I'll wait for him anyway."

"Aw, that's so cute! You're so cute!" she squicked.

It felt like today would be a long day.

He didn't know today would be the day.

It was like every other day until it wasn't.

It just clicked.

The door opened in front of him.

And he was running,

running,

running,

running,

as fast as he could.

He did exactly as he said he would but to his surprise, he didn't need to worry about Regulus not coming because he spotted the younger boy before his other teammates even left the pitch. James felt like he could finally breathe properly for the first time today. This meant that he didn't fuck up too badly and that Sirius was right about his brother. He did come.

Before leaving, Marlene reminded James that their chess tournament would take place on Saturday before their match against Hufflepuff on Sunday. When she saw Regulus approaching them, she reached out to pinch James' cheek and winked at him before turning around and greeting Regulus cheerfully as she left the field. Because she was already facing away from them, she missed the way Regulus gave her the coldest look that James had ever seen but when Regulus turned to look at James, his face was blank, expressionless.

"Hi," James said.

"Hi," Regulus echoed. "Can we talk?" That was the moment that he noticed that Regulus didn't have his broom with him and he wasn't wearing his usual training attire. He was dressed in a white shirt with the Slytherin house symbol sewn on it and his regular black pants. It was very ordinary but he was so, so beautiful.

"Uh, sure. Here?"

"Follow me," was all that Regulus said. He didn't look back to see if James was following him because of course, he was. James walked behind him in silence, studying the lines of his body. Regulus didn't look as tense as he was at the fountain but he wasn't as relaxed as he was when they were hiding from Pandora. He decided to take that as a good sign, he could work with that. As long as Regulus sought him out and was willing to talk to him, James had a strong belief that he could make this work.

Regulus led him to a bench that was almost entirely hidden by a huge tree near the lake. His stomach involuntarily churned at the thought of them sitting there because that place was for couples and everyone knew that. However, Regulus didn't care about the connotations. He probably just wanted a quiet place where no one would bother them. That was fine.

"I didn't lose my ring," was the first thing that came out of Regulus' mouth after they sat down. James watched the younger boy expectantly, waiting for him to continue. "I took it off and left it home before I ran away but I think you already know that. That's why you were asking about it.

"Where did you go?" James asked quietly. He remembered the way he cornered Regulus after Sirius left and only did he realise that was a big mistake. He should've asked him to leave too. "When did you leave?"

"To Pandora's," Regulus answered. There was a hint of sadness in his voice that made James want to reach out and touch him but he didn't know if that was a good idea. It sure didn't work the last time he did. Touching was James' favourite thing but not everyone liked it. "About two weeks before school started."

Finally, James understood why nobody heard anything about Regulus leaving. No wizard family noticed that he had been gone from home, which made James infinitely more heartbroken. He had noticed when he missed dinner yesterday. How could no one notice that something weird was going on with the Black family? Especially because this had happened once before. Although Regulus was admittedly quieter about leaving than his brother was. Sirius wanted everyone to know that he wasn't part of his family anymore and that he belonged to James'.

"You could've come to me too, you know."

Their eyes finally met and James saw a complex mixture of sorrow and affection on the other boy's face. "I couldn't. My pride wouldn't let me," Regulus admitted sourly.

"Because of Sirius?"

"Because of Sirius."

Merlin, Regulus, and Sirius were both so stubborn and not in a good way. It drove James up the wall. Regulus could've just shown up at his front door in the middle of the night and if he looked even a little bit remorseful, James knew that Sirius would've instantly softened up. They could've made up without James' help.

"You know that he doesn't hate you, right? He would be happy to hear that you got away from them." James felt like he needed to clarify it to Regulus. It shouldn't come from him but he had to know.

"I know that's why I got scared when you started asking questions. If you know that I left, then so would my brother. I would have a chance to make things better between us. Merlin knows Pandora has been trying to get me to do that but I'm terrified, James. I don't know how to talk to him," Regulus confessed, his eyes nervously jumping all over the place.

"My mom used to read me this book called Drake Horn and His Most Nobel Quest when I was a child. Do you know it?" James asked, purposefully diverting the topic from Regulus' struggle so he could present it in a different light. Distancing himself from a topic helped James to see things more clearly.

The other boy eyed him strangely.

"Mother wasn't a fan of fairy tales," he said as expected.

"It's a really educational story, I think," James told him and put on his best storytelling voice that he could manage. "It's about two siblings, called Drake and Ora. One day, Ora eats all of his brother's Fudge Flies, which makes Drake so angry that he tells her that he wishes that he didn't have a sister. Her feelings are so hurt that Ora replies by saying that she will run away. He laughs at her, of course. Her little sister? She could never run away, except that she does. He gets more scared than ever before because what if something happens to her? So, he puts his pride aside and goes to find her. On his journey, he meets a Doxy who tells him that they saw an Erkling luring a little girl to eat her for lunch. When Drake finds her, he can't defeat the child-eating creature. Guess what they will do! They work together and defeat it because they have always been stronger together."

As James was speaking, the mournful look slowly but surely disappeared from Regulus' face. James could even notice the beginning of a smile at the corner of his mouth and he wanted to press his thumb against it. "Moral of the story is putting your pride aside is good and that there is strength in numbers, which means I should just bite my wand and get over myself, right?"

James chuckled at that. "I think I said it a little differently but essentially, yes." James could no longer hold himself back from reaching out so he carefully took Regulus' hand between two of his own, holding it gently and reassuringly. Regulus' hand, as always, was cold but James didn't mind it. "All you need to do is ask and I'll help you with whatever you want. I can talk to Sirius for you or arrange something so you two can talk privately. Just tell me what you need."

It might've been the orange and red hues of the descending sun that were fooling James' eyes but he could've sworn that Regulus was blushing as he was looking at James, mouth hanging slightly open. "Thank you, James! I don't know what I want just yet but—just thank you."

"I'm sorry for cornering you like that again. I should stop doing that," James said apologetically with a shy smile on his lips as he let go of Regulus' hand.

A bigger smile appeared on the other boy's lip, which he tried to hide with his hand. "That's okay. I probably deserved it."

"So you're gonna keep staying at Pandora's?"

Regulus nodded silently. "I think so. Her parents have been really nice to me and let me stay with them as long as I need. Pandora, well, she's just great. She has been helping me deal with everything. I feel much better because of her."

"Oh, I like Pandora so much," James said thoughtlessly. She was precious to not one, but two very important people in his life and he certainly wanted to befriend her now. Regulus did a double take next to him, looking like he was about to be sick. Then it clicked in James' head that his words came out all wrong. "I don't—I just—What I wanted to say was that I'm glad that you have someone to rely on."

Regulus looked relieved all at once, shoulders sagging forward... "Good. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news."

"What do you mean?"

"That she likes a Gryffindor but that's definitely not you."

James perked up at that. A Gryffindor who wasn't him. He didn't know if Pandora was friends with any of his housemates but the little voice in his head was telling him that it had to be Lily. It couldn't be anyone else. It would be too much of a coincidence.

"Could it be that she likes Lily?" James asked slowly. The glint in Regulus' eyes let him know that he was right before he could open his mouth to reply.

"Yes. Is it mutual?"

"Yes," They both smiled at each other, excited for their friends' future. Of course, James couldn't tell Lily this. If he did, it would take all the fun out of everything. They needed to figure it out on their own but that didn't mean that James wasn't going to silently cheer them on from the sideline.

"That's a relief to hear," Regulus said. "She has been driving me crazy. It's all Lily, Lily, Lily. She has been working on this bracelet for a while and she's planning to ask her out to Hogsmeade with it."

James almost fell off the bench from the excitement. The next trip to Hogsmeade was next week. "She's gonna say yes," James predicted. "I'm glad that it's someone as wonderful as Pandora. I already asserted my rights and claimed the role of the flower girl for their wedding. So as Pandora's best friend, you need to find something else for yourself."

Regulus was amused by the thought of that, one of his eyebrows lifting slightly. "You really don't mind them being together." He stated, it wasn't a question but it felt like one.

"No," James said plainly. He almost wanted to bring up his mystery paper crane person to prove that he was so over Lily that he even had someone writing him letters. When he wasn't thinking about Regulus, he was thinking about the notes. He decided against it because it was probably a bad idea to brag about receiving love letters from someone to a person he was desperately and utterly infatuated with. If there was even a tiny atom in Regulus' body that liked him even a little, he didn't want to accidentally give him the wrong impression. "If she's happy, I'm happy."

He hadn't felt so peaceful in years.

He was laying on a blanket that Pandora put down in their garden and she was sitting cross-legged, reading a book. He breathed in deeply, his lungs filling with the warm summer air, and then exhaled slowly. He could hear cheerful music coming from the house and the birds chirping from the trees. It felt like heaven.

He wanted to stay here in this moment forever and keep this relief and happiness inside his chest. He didn't care if his joy raptured his ribs, he wanted to keep it all in, keep it close to him, like the precious jewels they were to him.

He thought of Sirius. He wondered if he felt like this after he ran away too.

He felt like he finally understood. Really understood.

It was all worth it.

James was running to the Gryffindor common room as fast as he could. He spotted Sirius sitting on the couch, talking to a few different people but they were all a blur to him. He grabbed Sirius by the hand, urging him with a chant of ' come on, come on, come on ' as he pulled him up the stairs, leading them up to their dorm. James threw his arms around his best friend, holding him close as he finally said the words he had been hoping to tell Sirius.

"He ran away!" James wanted to see what kind of face Sirius was making but he refused to let go of him just yet. He felt his friend's shaky hands slowly wrapping around his middle.

"He ran away," Sirius echoed it like it was a miracle. The door behind them opened then closed and James knew that it was Peter and Remus. "He ran away," Sirius repeated for their friends' sake. James heard someone gasp then there were two new pairs of hands wrapping around them.

"He ran away," Remus repeated back. James couldn't recall when was the last time he was this happy. Maybe when Sirius showed up at his doorstep or when Remus announced that they started dating. Either way, James knew that he would remember this moment for a long, long time. Just them, wrapped around each other in a big hug. It was everything to him.

"I'm gonna punch that annoying twat." It was the softest threat that ever left Sirius' mouth. They were all laughing as they let go of each other. James looked at his friends; Sirius' eyes looked redder than usual but he wasn't crying, Remus was looking at his boyfriend with an immeasurable amount of softness in his eyes and Peter was looking at James knowingly.

They ended up sitting down on the closest bed, which was Peter's and James filled them in on everything he and Regulus talked about, except for the Pandora and Lily bits. Sirius looked disappointed when he mentioned that Regulus didn't know what he wanted just yet but it quickly disappeared when he learned that Pandora had been trying to convince Regulus to make things right.

"Am I right to assume that Regulus wants to talk to Pads?" Remus asked, scratching the side of his neck.

"He didn't look like he was against it. He's just hesitating." James answered confidently. He was sure that if Regulus never wanted to speak to Sirius again, he would've let him know. Opening up and talking about their past and their mistakes was a daunting task and Regulus wasn't the only one who was nervous about it. Although, Sirius' behaviour and reactions changed drastically after realising that they were now on the same side again. He was more optimistic, in his own way.

"When is he not?" Sirius asked rhetorically.

"We should put the two of you in the same room and see what happens," Peter said and Remus jumped in his seat.

"After Gryffindor wins the match, we should have a party and James could invite Regulus," Remus explained enthusiastically and James was very much into the idea.

"I could invite Pandora too!" James added.

"Brilliant idea, Prongs! Then she might encourage Regulus," Remus said, smiling. James couldn't tell them that that wasn't what he was thinking of. He wanted to invite Pandora for Lily.

"Involving alcohol?" Sirius asked uncertainty.

"It could go either really wrong or really well," Peter added.

"We took worse gambles before," James said, shrugging. "And you don't have to drink, Pads." Sirius gave him a flat look. Even if he swore on something, they both knew well that he would end up drinking. James held up both his hands in the air, signalling his surrounder. "My bad, that was a horrific and unfair suggestion from me."

Remus chuckled at the sight of Sirius' expression and leaned closer to press a soft kiss to his boyfriend's neck. "It's gonna be fine," he muttered against Sirius' skin, who visibly shivered. Remus put his hand on Sirius' cheek, guiding their lips together and kissing him with so much adoration that it ached. James grimaced at Peter who did the exact same thing. Neither of them was grossed out by their friends kissing in front of them but it was always fun to make fun of them behind their back.

Peter hit James on the arm, gesturing towards Sirius and James wanted to sigh. Did he really want James to potentially ruin a good moment for them? To be fair, he did waste a lot of time just thinking about telling Sirius instead of actually doing it. It was for the best if he did it sooner rather than later and there was no time like today.

James cleared his throat loud enough that they stopped kissing, looking at him with a puzzled expression. "There's one more thing," James announced. "I like Regulus."

There was utter confusion on Sirius' face and for a second it looked like he was about to misunderstand and say something dumb like ' I like him too ' before his face went completely blank. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Then it looked like he was on the brink of standing up but he remained seated as disbelief took over his expression even more.

After a full minute, the first thing he said was, "What?"

"I like him," James restated in a calm voice, despite the fact that his stomach was doing cartwheels and his palm had never felt so sweaty. "In a romantic way and in ways I didn't think I could."

"Does he like you back?" Sirius asked.

James shook his head. "I don't know. I didn't say anything to him."

For a second that felt too long, Sirius stared at him like he was seeing James for the first time in a long time. "I don't think I can forgive him if he breaks your heart."

James smiled ruefully. The last thing he wanted was to be a barrier between the two brothers so he said, "I don't want to pursue him." Like a switch, Sirius's disbelief turned into distress.

"Why not? Is he not—" James knew exactly what Sirius wanted to say and immediately interrupted him.

Is he not good enough for you?

That was what his best friend was about to say and what an unimaginable, inconceivable thing that would be. The notion of Regulus not being good enough for him didn't exist in James' head. It was nonexistent, fully and completely. If he was at a different point in his life, it would be different. Perhaps he would even crawl for Regulus' attention, begging to hear a single praise from those captivating, lovely, soft lips. Perhaps if he begged prettily enough, Regulus would give in and whisper the loveliest things imaginable into his ears. He would feel no shame. He would do it over and over again if that was what pleased Regulus.

"No, he is! Of course, he is," James burst out. "I just don't want to make the same mistakes that I did. If he wanted me, he would have me."

Sirius sighed, screwing his eyes shut. "I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. Part of me is upset because he's taking part of you away from me but the other part of me is relieved because I couldn't imagine a better person for him. For you, however—You could do better than an angry, little gremlin," James let out a soft laugh at that. He wanted to object but Sirius continued, "If something changes— I—Merlin, I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm okay with you dating my brother."

"That—That is a strange thing to say," James admitted. He was hoping that ears turning red weren't too obvious.

"You certainly have a type," Remus said suddenly, startling James. He was focused on Sirius the entire time that he totally forgot that it wasn't just the two of them in the room.

"What do you mean?" James asked, confused.

"Lily… Regulus," Remus said, gesturing in the air with his hands vaguely. When he realised that James wasn't seeing his point, he just waved his hand at James. "I'm just saying that there are some similarities."

"I see it," Peter announced thoughtfully.

James shared a look with Sirius who was also not quite getting what the other two were talking about. Sirius held out his little finger towards James.

"You have to promise me something first," he said. "No matter what, you have to love me more."

James' eyes flickered from Remus to Sirius, amused. "Oh, do you love me more than Remus then?" The question made Sirius pause and almost dropped his hand from the air. He smiled at his boyfriend apologetically, and whispered something akin to 'sorry' .

"Yes," Sirius answered after he turned back to James.

James linked their fingers together. "Fine. I promise," he said to Sirius then to Remus. "Sorry for making you a third wheel."

"Oh, I've gotten used to it a long time ago," Remus said jokingly. "Nothing and no one can come between the two of you."

James was sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, looking at the chess board in front of him. Originally, he started playing in the common room but then Marlene and the rest of his teammates showed up, gawking at the position that he was studying. He wasn't going to let them know his prep so he left the common room. Friendly tournament or not, he's not going to make it easy for them. Except for Thompson, maybe. He was still thinking about using the Niffler against him, which would immediately give James a disadvantage.

This time, however, he was trying out a different opening; the Stroulger. He mainly wanted to see what he could as white in this opening but because he was lacking an actual opponent he made the moves for both sides. He made sixteen moves before stopping to think about the position a little deeper. He had no idea if he was making good moves but it felt like a generally equal position to him. Both sides had chances to break out and take the advantage because there was a lot of pressure in the middle of the board caused by the four pawns. He decided to take with white.

"Pawn takes the pawn on E5." He said to the board and watched his white pawn destroy the black pawn, which broke into tiny little pieces before disappearing. This move attacked black's knight so the logical move for black would be to move it back but before he could say it, someone else did for him.

"Knight takes the pawn on E4," Regulus said as he sat down at the Gryffindor table, opposite James. He didn't know if he should be more shocked by the fact that Regulus was casually sitting there or the knight move which James didn't see. "Don't you have any friends to play with, Potter?" Regulus asked light-heartedly.

"I do. I'm looking at him right now, Black," James answered, looking at him expectantly. "Pawn to F4. Are you any good at chess?"

"I used to but I haven't played in many years," Regulus told him.

"Did your parents teach you?"

"It was my uncle actually." Regulus clarified. "I haven't seen him in a long time because Mother didn't approve of his… fascination with muggle things. He had an expensive mahogany chess board that was hand carved. The muggle kind. It was beautiful." James' head filled with images of Regulus' hands and chess pieces once more. Did he fiddle with the pieces as he thought of the next move? Did his fingers linger on the piece before he moved it to another square? He was so embarrassingly gone for Regulus.

"How about we make a bet?" James asked, raising an eyebrow challengingly. "If I win this match and the Quidditch match on Saturday, you and Pandora have to come to the celebration party that we will hold in the Gryffindor common room."

"And if you lose one or both of them, what do I get?" Regulus narrowed his eyes at James, obviously wanting to say no to the challenge but he was indulging the possibility anyway. Unfortunately for Regulus, James was no coward.

"Anything," James answered without batting an eye.

"Anything?" Regulus looked sincerely perplexed to hear James' answer, which made James very pleased with himself. He honestly didn't care what kind of ridiculous thing Regulus would do to him, he would take it all in his stride.

"Yes, anything you want."

"Do Gryffindors really not know fear?" Regulus questioned disbelievingly. He tilted his head to the side in the way that James was so very used to. His eyes twinkled from candlelights all around them and James was burning with the desire to study the stars in Regulus' eyes closer. "I could make you drink one of Pandora's mystery potions or make you do something so bad that you would get detention for the whole year."

"I trust you," James said and it was wholly true.

"Has it ever occurred to you that you shouldn't?"

"Nope," James said honestly. "I'd let you do horrible things to me."

Regulus gave him an odd look. "You're a strange one."

"So, are you in?"

"Bloody hell, yes."

James clapped his hands together cheerfully. He could do this. He would find some tactics or exploit one of Regulus' small mistakes and then he would win the Quidditch match too. Easy. Very doable. A piece of cake, really.

"It's your turn," James said. Regulus leaned closer to the board, his eyes jumping all over, studying the pieces, calculating the best moves. There was this strangely captivating aura around Regulus when he was focusing on something like this, his lower lip caught between his teeth, his eyebrows furrowed. He looked so stunning that James was envious of the chessboard. He yearned for Regulus to look at him like that too, so deeply and eagerly, but maybe that wouldn't be a good idea. It would only spoil James further then he would grow insatiable and he would need Regulus to look at him like that every day and every hour. To James' stupid lovesick brain, that didn't sound too bad.

"Knight to H4," Regulus declared finally. James saw the threat the move suggested but he decided to ignore it in hopes of trading down a few pieces because he needed to simplify the position.

"Knight takes E4."

"Pawn takes Knight on E4."

"Queen takes Queen on D8."

"Rook takes Queen on D8."

James usually didn't like trading his queen too quickly but he realised that if Regulus didn't have his queen then it would lower his ability to attack and bully his king, which kind of felt exposed at the moment. He felt like the position was a bit favourable to him but it was nothing too serious yet. Regulus could still win the game. James' rook and bishop were underutilised so he focused on those pieces mainly. They were defending his pawns perfectly which meant he needed to rearrange them in a way that would keep defending them while they were also posing some real threats.

It wasn't easy to figure out the perfect move when he could feel Regulus' eyes on him. He almost wanted to tell him that it was rude to stare at your opponent during the match. Occasional glances were normal but staring rarely ever happened. He really underestimated how easy it would be to win.

Fuck it , James thought to himself before ordering the bishop to move to E3. Regulus moved his knight to F5 and suddenly the game became more aggressive. They were both pushing for a win but it was Regulus who made the mistake of taking James' bishop with his knight and suddenly everything seemed to fall apart for the younger. His pieces became disorganised, some of them were hanging or weak. It wasn't until Regulus was down to his rook while James had a rook and two pawns that the younger boy's mouth twisted bitterly, realising that he couldn't do anything more.

"I resign," Regulus announced as his king fell over and broke into many pieces.

James smiled happily at the other, holding up his index finger. "One win down, one more to go," he sang. Regulus gave him an unimpressed look.

"Pretty decent," he praised with a toneless voice, making James groan in frustration. He hated that stupid word so much. He wanted to take a dictionary and erase it once and for all.

"Oh, come on! That's a bit harsh, isn't it? Calling me decent every time I do well," James argued. He wanted a real compliment but at this point, he would've taken a nice or even a well done . Both of those options were infinitely better than decent.

"You act like being decent is bad."

"It is when you say it like that."

"How do I say it?" Regulus asked, innocently. Sirius was right, he was an annoying twat.

"Like an insult," James spat. He was getting way too upset over a word and he knew it. It wasn't that serious but he just wanted one praise from Regulus. He might actually crawl in front of him after all.

"It isn't an insult. " Regulus argued back. "It literally means socially acceptable or good."

"That's barely any kind of acknowledgment of one's—" Before James could finish the sentence something crashed into the side of his face and he didn't need to look down to know what it was.

Another paper crane.

He looked at Regulus and then down at the bird and it was the first time his fingers weren't itching to unfold it. He didn't want to, not in front of Regulus.

"What's that?" Regulus asked curiously.

"It's a paper crane," James said drily, unwilling to elaborate any further. Regulus studied him carefully with a strange look on his face.

"Okay," he said slowly. "Why did it do that? Flew into you like that?"

Merlin, he was really about to explain he had been getting notes from another person to his crush. This was pure torture. His previous happiness about winning quickly disappeared.

"It wants me to open it and read the note inside."

"Note?"

"Yeah, from my secr—from a person who likes me." James watched as understanding bloomed on Regulus' face and he hated every second of it.

"Well, open it then," He said, urging James to do exactly what he didn't want to do. The thing was that he couldn't say no because that would be suspicious. Everyone else would be happy to open a love letter in the presence of their friend for whom they have very friendly feelings for.

Reluctantly, James unfolded the bird and tried not to show how uncomfortable he felt at the moment. The usual plant drawing was on top of the page and James still didn't know what it meant. The letter said:

How do you fall out of love with someone?

I have been thinking about this question

for a long time.

Could it be that I was always meant

to love you like this?

From the distance and quietly.

Could I ever love another person

the way I love you?

In my most wretched hours,

I'm brave enough to admit

to myself that I couldn't.

This was the longest letter yet and the most heart-wrenching. James remembered what it was like to look at Lily and think that he could never love another person. It was a terrifying, all-consuming feeling that followed him everywhere he went until he decided to let his own fears go. For a long time, he was afraid of letting things go, of not being good enough, of being on his own. All those things drove him to do foolish things but when he let them go, it was the best thing that he ever did.

As he read it slowly, he realised that Regulus was still sitting in front of him. He had been sitting there for a while which meant that it wasn't Regulus writing those letters. There was a tiny part of him that had been desperately hoping that it would be him but it wasn't. He was more heartbroken over this fact than he probably should've been but he couldn't help it. He liked the letters but he liked Regulus more.

"You hate it?" Regulus asked with a worried tone in his voice.

"No, no, it's just sad. That's all." James admitted it. He was sad for more than one reason but this was just one small part of it,

"Someone likes you and that makes you sad? That's a rather unusual behaviour." Regulus noted and James could see why he would think that. To be fair, the letter, as sad as they were, did make him happy in a weird way. He would've loved to like this person back in a different universe.

"Maybe but this person sounds miserable about liking me and I don't know who they are. I have no clue at all, which makes it even sadder. How can someone like me so much without me noticing it?" James was frustrated with the letter, the mystery person, and himself but mostly with the way he was complaining about it to Regulus. "I have so many complex emotions about this."

"What complex emotions?"

"I can't tell you. It's private." As soon as the word left James' mouth he regretted it because Regulus' worried expression immediately disappeared and turned into an impassive one.

"I understand," Regulus said courtly and stood up from his seat. "I'll see you at the party."

James didn't have it in him to tell him that he hadn't won the Quidditch match yet. He could still lose it and then Regulus wouldn't need to come at all.

"The password is memento vivere ," James shouted after Regulus weakly. He watched him leave until he could no longer see him then his head hit the table hard.

Merlin, he was stupid.

Notes:

This is btw all the books i mentioned are based on real books and i just made it more magical so if they sound familiar, now you'll know why u.u