Chapter 18: Some Things Never Change

Summary:

TW - this is a dark chapter. It deals with the repercussions of Sirius leaving for the Potters. It also involves mild swearing and a brief mention of suicide. Here, have a tissue, on second thoughts have the whole box.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Regulus tossed and turned, kicking the duvet cover off his legs as he frowned deeply in his sleep. Sweat dripped down his forehead, his breathing quickening rapidly, the same nightmare playing out, for the fifth time this week.

Regulus pulled the long sleeve of his sweater up, so it bunched around his elbow before, closing his hand into a fist as he sat at the dining room table. The atmosphere changed then and there; it suddenly got colder and harsher. Never mind that it was one of the hottest summers on record. In Grimmauld Place, it was cold. Not just like the weather cold, but there was no empathy and his mother was on her own personal warpath, with Sirius in the middle of it. As always.

Some things never change, he thought, staring at his plate while Sirius shouted at their mother. He continued to scratch his arm to the point where it hurt and tried to think of something, anything, that would help his brother. He didn't realise his arm had started to bleed.

Regulus had learnt to zone out from most arguments, but when Sirius was like this… his cheeks red from anger, his eyebrows furrowing in frustration and looking like he was about to explode… he couldn't exactly zone out from this one. His breath hitched when their mother switched from French to English.

"You will be our spy and you will live up to your mistakes!"

Regulus glanced at Sirius, he knew just from seeing the expression in his brother's eyes that he was done. Once and for all.

Regulus closed his eyes, taking a long sip of his water, waiting for…

"You know what, Mother? No. No I will not be your fucking spy! I'm not going to make up for any mistakes because I haven't made any!"

"You little -"

"- I'm leaving."

… there it was, Regulus finished his train of thought, before grimacing inwardly at the dreadful scream coming from the woman of the house.

Regulus turned to lie on his back, his elbow moving to cover his eyes as he tried to think of anything else, anything that wasn't…

"If you leave, there's no turning back from this. You're no son of mine!"

Something in her tone of voice made Regulus shiver, the icy tendrils of fear snaking along his spine as he poked his food with his fork, staring at his plate like it was the most interesting thing in the world, at that moment.

After a long moment of silence, Regulus thought that Sirius might have changed his mind, that he was going to stay, but he soon realised that that was wishful thinking. As Regulus tore his gaze away from his plate, to look at his brother, he understood that everything was going to change. He could see the apologetic expression in Sirius's eyes for just a second, before they changed to an ice-cold blank stare, as Sirius glared at his mother bravely, but stupidly.

"Je n'ai jamais été ton fils; ça a toujours été Regulus et maintenant tu as le fils parfait. Au revoir."

Regulus's breath hitched and he held back tears as Sirius left the table. But he didn't quite make it to the door without their mother having the final, final say.

"Crucio!"

Regulus sat up, screaming, his whole body shaking. He wiped the sweat from his forehead as he curled into a ball, bringing his knees to his chest, placing his head on his knees as he let the tears fall. Sirius wasn't the only one whom his mother had Crucio'd that evening.

"Sirius!" Regulus left his place at the dining table and ran over to his brother, wrapping an arm around him, as Sirius cried out from the pain of the curse. Regulus knew the plan that had been put in place was to make him appear that he hated Sirius, but how could he just stand by and watch as their own mother tortured him with an Unforgivable? He couldn't. It wasn't right. Maybe he should leave with Sirius, maybe they could come up with another plan, one that didn't involve… this.

"No!" She shouted. "Regulus, you will leave that… piece of filth alone and stand with us, where you belong," Walburga spat out and Regulus glared at her.

"He's my brother! I'm not leaving him alone, watching on the sidelines while you torture him!" Regulus exclaimed, his heart beating quickly as he looked Sirius over, who had been shaking in his hold.

"Reg… don't, the plan..." Sirius whispered in his ear, but Regulus was too riled up to care as he stared at his mother, who stared right back, both not willing to back down. Then, Regulus smiled at his brother, wanting to reassure him because he knew exactly what to do, to get his mother to stop. But it turned into more of a grimace instead and he didn't see the worried look on Sirius's face as Regulus stood up straight, using his well-crafted mask as he spoke.

"Let. Him. Go." Regulus said, pronouncing each word with clarity. He then took a breath and continued, "You never did punish me properly for being in Ravenclaw and not Slytherin. How could your perfect son not be in the house that the Blacks have been in, for generations? How could he be such a disappointment for years until he finally realised you were right all along? Torture me, instead," Regulus spoke in a way only a Slytherin would. He let go of Sirius, shoving him in the direction of the door, holding his head high as his mother smiled at him, proudness in her eyes.

He refused to look at Sirius as the dining room door closed with a click.

"If you insist... "

Regulus ran a hand through his curly hair as he tried to calm his breathing, closing his eyes as he banged his head on the stone-cold wall.

A month.

A month since Sirius had left.

It wasn't the same. He hadn't been the same.

Regulus pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. How long could he keep doing this for? How long till the act of being the perfect son became reality?

He picked up a piece of parchment from his bedside table and found his quill. He started to write, replying to a letter that he had received earlier that day, not bothering to write neatly as it was only going to Sirius.

Siri,

Stop worrying, I'm fine.

I can't go to Hogsmeade with you this year. There's a family gathering. Cissy is engaged to Lucius.

Reg

"Kreacher!" he called out and after a moment, the house-elf appeared, grunting at him in greeting.

"Young Master Regulus, you should be asleep," the house-elf muttered and Regulus's lips curled upwards, almost into a smile, but not quite. Kreacher was the only one in Grimmauld Place that cared about how much sleep he was getting and it was nice, but… he sighed internally.

"Take this to Siri, please," he ordered and Kreacher nodded, bowing but muttering about Sirius being a filthy traitor to the house of Black.

Once Kreacher had left, Regulus picked up the book James had got him for Christmas and started to read. He hoped that the book would take him to another place, another world that wasn't the one he was in. Somewhere magical, somewhere he could be himself. Just for a little while.

OoO

He stared at himself in the mirror, sorting out his tie and the top button of his shirt. The suit was a dark shade of blue and he was wearing smart brown shoes to go with it. His hair was scruffy, curly and overall a mess, but he didn't particularly care and he wasn't going to fix it, either. Regulus stared at the dark circles under his eyes and took a deep breath. Wearing a suit for the engagement party had not been his idea. If he'd had his say, he would have just turned up in trousers and a long-sleeved jumper with his beanie and be done with it.

But as he stared at himself, he sighed. It didn't feel right. The only bit of the suit he liked was the dark blue velvet that surrounded his tie. His white shirt was loose and a little crumpled. He tried to flatten it out, but he didn't have that long left to get ready.

"Regulus!" his mother shouted.

Regulus nodded to himself. He could do this. He was there for Cissy; he couldn't think about where he wanted to be, instead. Or whom exactly he wanted to be with.

He walked down the stairs and kept his face neutral, once he saw his mother and father waiting to greet their guests.

"You will stand with us and not embarrass us in any way, or you know what will happen," his mother hissed in his ear.

Regulus simply nodded, no emotion in his eyes as he stared at the fireplace. He didn't know who was coming or how big this gathering was going to be, but he hoped it would be over soon. He didn't have the energy for it. He just needed to sleep, preferably without any nightmares.

The first guest to arrive was Cissy with Lucius Malfoy, hand in hand. She had a smile on her face, while Lucius remained neutral in greeting. Regulus nodded at them both, taking in Cissy's dress which was a beautiful, long dark-green velvet one. Her hair was in a side plait and a silver necklace graced her neck. Regulus suddenly wished Sirius was here with him, so that he wouldn't have to be alone, with a family he felt he didn't belong to Not when his family were elsewhere.

"Mr and Mrs Black, it's a pleasure," Lucius said. "Are we the first ones to arrive?"

"You are; the others should be here soon. Regulus, take our guests to the living room."

Regulus tried to ignore the side glares Lucius was sending his way. He couldn't start an argument; he couldn't act like he would at school. He had to be the perfect son. And that's exactly what he was going to be.

As Regulus led the pair to the living room, Cissy broke through the silence. "How are you, Regulus? Will Sirius be joining us?"

"I'm fine, thank you, Cissy. I'm sorry to say that he won't be," Regulus replied, not wanting to say anything else on the matter. At the curious look in Cissy's eyes, Regulus shook his head, ignoring the frown on her face. His parents didn't want Sirius's thunder stealing the show and they had made him promise to not tell anyone what had happened.

"His cousin is getting married; the least he could do is show up," Lucius stated, clearly displeased with Sirius. Regulus took a deep breath and chose to ignore Blondie's comment. He wasn't going to give his mother an excuse to punish him.

Before Cissy could reply, another voice behind them spoke for her.

"Reg, I was sent to save you!"

Regulus had never been so pleased to hear Evan's voice. He turned around to see his friend had grown over the summer, his blond hair wavier and longer than usual, his fringe reaching down to his eyes. Regulus smiled for the first time since Sirius had left. He turned to Cissy and Lucius. Cissy had amusement in her eyes, while Lucius just seemed very bored.

"Excuse me, help yourselves to some appetizers and drinks," he said politely and headed over to Evan, who was grinning at him, as usual. Instead of giving Evan a handshake, which is what Evan clearly expected from him, Regulus gave his friend a tight hug.

"Oh, I get a hug? I should save you more often," Evan joked quietly and Regulus chuckled lightly yet a little brokenly.

"It's been a long summer, Evan. I... I'm just glad to see you," Regulus replied and Evan broke the hug. Regulus was surprised when he held his shoulders, furrowing his eyebrows. It was the most he'd ever seen of Evan being concerned for him.

"What happened?" Evan asked. "It looks like you haven't slept in days."

Regulus shrugged sheepishly. Try weeks, he thought.

"I can't say," Regulus replied sadly. Whatever Evan was about to say, he never found out, because someone else interrupted them.

"Not interrupting anything, are we?" Regulus blinked twice, as both he and Evan turned to see Rabastan and Rodolphus, with Bellatrix behind them. Bellatrix nodded politely before joining her sister and Lucius. Evan let go of his shoulders and stepped back, while Regulus rolled his eyes. He liked Rabastan, but he couldn't find it in himself to get on with Rodolphus and Bellatrix. He glanced at Evan, who still had a worried expression on his face, but seemed to be trying his best to hide it.

"No, not at all, Rab, Rudolph, great to see you both," Regulus said, smirking inwardly at the glare Rodolphus sent his way.

"I hate you," Rodolphus declared simply.

"I hate you too," Regulus replied, grinning sadistically. Though his grin turned into a proper one the moment he saw Barty walk into the room. His friend had also changed over the summer, his hair shorter than he remembered it being. The moment Regulus made eye contact with Barty, Barty walked over and joined them.

"Alright, losers?" Barty said, looking between him and Evan, ignoring the others.

"Late as always, Barty. What's the excuse this time?" Regulus asked, amusement in his eyes as Barty simply shrugged.

"Perfection takes time, my friends," Barty replied with a smirk. Regulus scoffed unattractively, shaking his head in disbelief.

As he looked around the room, he knew just whom he was missing. But he couldn't do anything about that. He could, however, make the most of the event with those who were already here with him. Regulus ran a hand through his hair as he took a glass of champagne from one of the tables. He didn't know if drinking would be a good idea with the lack of sleep, but he had to have something to get him through the evening. To convince everyone that he really was fine.

Regulus had had two glasses by the time there was a speech for the future bride and groom. He joined Evan and Barty, who were whispering about something and had stopped talking when he stood between them, as everyone gathered in a circle.

"What are you two gossiping about?" Regulus asked, his voice low, slightly slurred. He caught the looks of concern from them both as he took a long sip of his drink.

"Yo...u -" Barty started and stopped speaking, as both Regulus and Evan stared at him, with identical raised eyebrows.

" - You have no tact," Evan interrupted him. Barty put his hands up in mock-defense while Regulus frowned deeply. They had been talking about him? Why? Surely there were more important things to gossip about, than him?

He didn't get a chance to speak when Cissy tinged on her glass.

"First, I'd like to say thank you to Mr and Mrs Black for hosting this gathering; it was really kind of them to welcome us into their home," she said and there was a light murmur of agreement. "I know Lucius and I are younger than most are when engaged, but I don't see the point in waiting, when I know this is the man I love and want to marry. Aligning our families together is what I consider an honour and a privilege."

Regulus didn't know whether it was the champagne or his tiredness overtaking his thoughts. But as he listened to her speech, he closed his eyes and imagined a scenario that he thought would probably never happen. Himself and James talking to their friends and select members of their family. A small event, he thought. A sad smile appeared on his face. But then he sighed, his heart aching.

He couldn't think about that.

He couldn't think about the future… he could only think of the present.

Regulus slowly realised he shouldn't have closed his eyes. He felt himself falling backwards, the grip on his glass loosened and there was a smash as the glass hit the floor. He was sure he would have collapsed, if it wasn't for strong arms catching him, just before he thought he'd hit the floor.

He tried opening his eyes, but he was too tired.

"Excuse us for a moment. My apologies, Narcissa," Evan spoke smoothly and took him away from the gathering, leading him upstairs.

He heard a door close and he briefly wondered where Evan had taken him. If he were to guess from the sound of running water, they were in the main bathroom.

Regulus's eyelids were fighting to stay closed. But he gasped as harsh, cold water splashed on his face, forcing his eyes to open. He adjusted to the lighting and caught the look on Evan's face.

"You're an idiot," Evan deadpanned, punching him lightly on the shoulder. Regulus shrugged sheepishly but wore a grateful expression.

"I'm fine -" Regulus started, not sure whether he was convincing himself or Evan at this point. Evan cursed out loud and Regulus blinked a couple of times, as he wiped his face dry with a towel.

"No, Reg. No, you're not fucking fine! What happened to make you collapse with exhaustion? What the fuck happened? Stop lying to yourself and to us!" Evan shouted, his voice full of annoyance and concern.

"Sirius left!" Regulus exclaimed brokenly, finally giving up. "He left because I told him to! I had to save him from this hell, Evan! And this place hasn't been the same since. I haven't been the same. Is it normal to have nightmares every fucking night, Evan? Is it normal to only get an hour's sleep? I'm tired, Evan. I'm so tired of living…" he trailed off, tears rolling down his face.

"Promise me something, Reg."

Regulus wiped his eyes with the palm of his hands as he sniffed, trying and failing to stop the tears from falling when he looked at Evan, who was trying to hold back his own tears.

"Whatever you have going on, whatever stupid situation you've gotten yourself into, don't give up. Don't let anyone, but you, win. Promise me?" Evan said—no, practically ordered.

Regulus ran a hand through his hair frustratedly, swiping a tear that had landed on his lips as he controlled his thoughts.

He couldn't give up. He wouldn't. For James. For Sirius. And now, for Evan.

"I promise," Regulus replied as he wiped the tears away. He stood up straighter and used his well-crafted mask to cover his emotions. He nodded at Evan determinedly. He was going to rejoin the party and apologise to Cissy and the others.

He was going to get through this.

One step at a time.

Notes:

"Je n'ai jamais été ton fils; ça a toujours été Regulus et maintenant tu as le fils parfait. Au revoir." - Translation - "I never was your son. That was always Regulus and now you have the perfect heir, goodbye." (I don't trust google translate, so I hope it's acceptable)

Reggie drinking sparkling wine - Statistics show that 55% of Brits have tried alcohol by the time they are 15. Whether that's for special occasions, with parents, or at a party.

Reggie and Evan - They're just friends... Or are they? Reggie is too in love with James to think about dating anyone else, but Evan doesn't know this...