Yes this is a brutal fic. Alot happens to Olivia as well as big changes for Amanda. First off... No I do not like Carisi and Amanda together. I am still upset that they choose to have Amanda with a man that slut shamed her back in the episode of INTENT. Cause Amanda slept with the bartender. Nor am I fan of Stabler. So if you are going to read this you will not like how I make these characters but my main focus is Rolivia.
It had been over a month since Amanda had dropped the bomb that she had been offered a position to become a speaker, and had accepted it. Not only that, but she had also married Dominic 'Sonny' Carisi. Olivia was lost without her best friend but at the same time she was so happy and supportive of Amanda. The woman had been through hell and back and finally found her happiness.
Being a captain of the svu department of NYPD was a hard job though it had its ups and downs it was still a hard job. Tonight was a bad case. A gang that had terrorized before had hit again. It was a gang that her personal unit had bad blood with to put it mildly. BX9 had resurfaced. This time a young woman had been raped and her father had been killed. This did Olivia's head in. Brought back alot of memories, not only of the violence from prior cases with this gang but the last time all this happened Rollins was still a detective on her squad. How she missed her friend, her colleague and in so many ways her right hand woman. The woman would be ontop of everything trying to figure all this shit out and get inside their heads. Her squad had drastically changed over the years. In recent years, Kat had left after being shot in the stomach, much like Amanda had been shot recently. Then there was the addition to Velasco he just really started fitting in. Then they got the new girl Muncy. Oh she clashed with her OG members of her squad as she called them. She knew damn well Fin didnt care for her, and Carisi. Well Carisi didnt like her after she blew her top on the one case and cost him it. So needless to say ever since Amanda left the squad, it just wasnt the same. There was no connection, yeah Olivia was close to Fin but that was really it. The only other one she trusted was in fact Amanda and she felt the loss deeply.
Now she was out with her son, she liked to take him out and do things with him. It was the way they connected. They had gone and seen Hamilton as it was one of her favorite broadway productions and she wanted to share it with her son espeically where music and dance meant so much to him. The precinct had been busy lately and she hadn't had alot of time to spend with her son and tonight meant alot to her. Though she had no idea of the turn this night was going to have. As they were walking out to their car, Olivia was attacked, right in front of her son. Seems the gang BX9 that had just reserfaced the leader Carlos Hernandez had never forgotten what Olivia did to his gang years ago, so he sent one of his top guys Felipe Heredio to go give her a warning. Him and his cohorts came out of nowhere and jumped Olivia. Beating the hell out of her. She fought back as hard as she could, doing whatever she could to prevent them from doing anything to Noah. She got the shit beat out of her. Noah freaked out as any kid would. He called 911 then called his uncle Fin.
"Uncle Fin.. Uncle Fin you gotta come help mama. She just got beat up. She's hurt, the ambulance just got here."
Fin told him that he was on his way. Noah told him okay. He was sad, scared and worried about his mom. Noah was waiting with another officer on the scene as he wasn't able to go in for the ambulance ride. When Fin got there Noah ran over to him, the boy trying to be strong and brave for his mommy. Fin just hugged his nephew and reassured him that his mommy was a strong woman. He also made a call to Mercy General where they took Olivia to see how she was. He called, at first they didnt want to tell him anything but he put his foot down and told them he was the sergeant of the nypd special victims department. So they put the doctor on the phone.
"Sergeant Tutuola, Ms Benson suffered contusions to her midsection, some bruised ribs, fractures in the middle ribs. Other than that she is okay. She will be released in a few hours, we just want to monitor her, make sure no blood spit up or anything like that. She keeps mentioning her son, tell her son he did a good job calling 911 as soon as he did."
Once Fin hung up he told Noah what was going on. Making sure not to overwhelm him. He told Noah his mothers injuries and reassured him that Liv was gonna be okay. She was going to be in pain but she was okay. He nodded wanting to go home.
"Uncle Fin, do you hear from Auntie Amanda? I miss her and the girls. i know she married Uncle Sonny and they have a family, but she's my family too."
He told him that he hadnt heard from Amanda in a while, but he gave him her cell phone number and told him to text her that he missed her.
Few Days Later...
They were working on the case of the girls rape, the murder of her father and Olivia's attack. It wasn't easy, anyone they talked to either pretended to not know anything; the whole 'see no evil, hear no evil' deal, and others were apprehensive and scared of repercussions with the gang.
Noah was attached to Olivia at the hip pretty much. He hated leaving her for school as well as when she had to go to work. She just told him that to get back to normal after her attack they had to get back to the normalcy of their lives. Noah had finally heard from his Aunt Amanda, she told him that they were doing good and that she missed him too. She promised when she could get some time off she would come and visit with the girls. He was happy with that. After Olivia got home that night from work she of course spent some much needed quality time with him. He was her world and she didn't want anything coming between them. She didnt bring up the fact that she had been jumped and he witnessed that. She didnt want to retraumatize him. While Noah did some homework, Olivia made them dinner. After dinner they watched a movie together and then it was bedtime for Noah. She brought him up to tuck him in.
"Mommy can we get together with Auntie Amanda? I miss her alot. I havent seen her or Jesse and Billie since she got married to Sonny."
Olivia smiled, kissing him on his forehead. "Sure my sweetboy we can reach out and see if maybe we can do a dinner or something."
She kissed his head once more, cutting his light and leaving the door cracked. She was really unsettled tonight and couldnt figure out why. Maybe a hot shower would do her good? She went and took her hot shower, savoring the feel of the hot water hitting her skin. She finally let the hot water relax her, feeling good going down her back and soothing her ribs. She was still in disbelief that she had been attacked like that, and the fact that they hadnt known which gang member did it. The biggest thing that got to her was that her son witnessed it. Though unbeknownst to her, he was going to witness a more brutal attack to her.
She got out of the shower not too long later. She didnt hear him, didnt know how he got in but he full on attacked her. Throwing her around her room. The more she fought against him the more he fought back. He was huge, and full of rage. He was tired of this bitch ruining all his shit. He threw her on the bed, telling her to shut the fuck up. She was still fighting him, and pushing him off. Then he pulled his knife out.
"Look bitch this can go one of two ways. I take what I want, teach you a lesson and leave. Or I take what I want, teach you a lesson and teach that lil boy of yours a lesson."
His voice was full of venom and hate. Olivia wasn't going to let him hurt her son. She'd die before that. No way. She once again tried to push him away and he gave her that same warning, his tone had turned ice cold.
He shoved her back once again, this time ripping her robe open, just as she went to scream he covered her mouth. He had already unzipped his pants and as she fought him he pushed inside her roughly. Olivia screamed cause of the pain. He thrusted hard. Olivia let out a loud scream. This time Noah woke up and came running to the room. Knocking on the door, yelling "MOMMY, MOMMY" the guy assaulting her being Carlos Hernandez, though she didnt know it at the time, ran to the door to get Noah. "I fucking told you lady, I'd hurt him. You better tell him to get lost." Olivia freaked out, "Noah sweetboy, Im okay. Just had a bad dream okay. Go back to bed. Please. Im okay." She didnt hear Noah at her door anymore and she looked at him, his mask on, she couldnt tell who he was but he sounded familiar. He grabbed her once more, slipping a finger inside. "You're still hot I could go for another round" and just as he said that he moved his hand to use both hands to slam her against the wall and take her once more, this time more roughly. Took him about five minutes though to Olivia it felt like hours, to finish. When he did he mumbled "that should be enough to teach you, if not Ill get that boy of yours next time." Throwing a blanket at her he jumped out the window and down the fire escape. Olivia just held the blanket to her, sitting on her bed she cried.
The next morning. She woke Noah up for school like usual. He was even more clingy to her. Asking her to stay home, she told him that they couldnt miss school or work and that she would spend extra time with him later. He wasnt happy but he agreed. After Olivia had gotten him off to school he did the only thing he could do. He text his auntie.
"Auntie Amanda, Im sorry to bug you again. I think mommy needs you. Something happened last night, she got beat up a few nights ago but last night she screamed a couple times and said it was a nightmare. I dont think it was. I know she trusts you and..."
Amanda got worried. This was the second time Noah reached out to her in a short time. She called her husband and once again no answer. Like what the hell? She understood his job but shit he wasnt communicating with her at all.
"Dominick, Ive been trying to get in touch with you. You havent been home in days and Ive talked to you maybe once. What the hell? Im not married to myself for christsakes. You need to talk to me."
She was growing really angry with her so-called newlywed husband. Since Jesse was at school, Billie was with the nanny she decided to go check on her friend. If Noah was this worried than so was she.
She text him before she headed to the precinct.
"I am heading to the precinct to check on Olivia. I miss her and havent seen her since we got married. Hmm maybe I'll see you there."
This time he looked at his texts, and saw this one, it pissed him off.
"You left SVU to become a speaker. You do not need to come back to the precinct. Liv is fine."
Amanda scowled at the response. Who the hell was he to keep her from her best friend. The last time she had seen Liv or even hung out with her they were on the case and they had stayed in a hotel room and gotten drunk. Olivia had called her to see if she would come up and help her bust a peeping tom since she had found a camera in her mirror at the hotel.
She text him back
"Well you cant be assed to come home and spend any kind of time with me. Shit Dominick we haven't been intimate at all since we got married. Jesus you left the next day and haven't spent time with me since. Yes I get it, you're busy with a case but you also have a family now. I am going to check on my best friend. If you don't like it, then come home while I'm gone and get your shit. I was a single mother before you, I have no problem being a single mother again. Now I'm going to check on Liv. I'll be back when I am. The nanny knows to grab Jesse off the bus if I'm not back."
The Precinct...
Amanda had walked in, just like normal. Fin looked up and smiled as did Velasco. Muncy wouldnt make any eye contact. Amanda could care less. If that was her replacement so be it. She looked at Fin again and looked at Liv's office, he nodded lipping to tell her to go in. She approached the office and Liv was no where to be seen. A little confused but not, Liv may had gone to the bathroom. She knew Liv wouldn't get mad so she sat in her chair at her desk but turned the chair to face the back so Liv wouldn't see her. She also sent Noah a text.
"Noah, I'm at the precinct. Gonna surprise your mom. I'll talk to you later, okay bud. Love ya..Auntie Amanda."
Noah quickly looked at the text as he was at lunch and he smiled. Hoping his mommy would talk to his auntie. He knew she missed her lots as did he. Amanda sat and waited, all the sudden she heard that voice. She heard Olivia telling Fin that she was going into her office to work on some files and make some calls. She walked into the office and shut the door. Walking to her desk, she went to her seat, turning the chair and there was Amanda.
She smiled happily, tears coming down her cheeks as Amanda stood to hug her.
"Amanda, it is soo good to see you. I've missed you so much. Your presence here, and just everything. What brought you by? Not that I'm complaining. I would imagine you're busy with speaking and being married."
Amanda stayed hugging Liv. It felt good to see her best friend. It felt good to be in this office.
"Well for one I missed you and wanted to see you. Speaking is well interesting while I do like it, I miss it here too. Being married, we arent gonna go into that right now. Not what I expected and I'm alone more than not. But I wanna know how you are doing? How's things, here, with Noah and dare I ask with Stabler?"
Olivia sighed, still staying in Amanda's arms.
"I'm doing okay. Well not the greatest. Muncy and I don't see eye to eye alot of the time. I'm just used to how you used to do things. Noah's good he misses you and the girls alot. He actually asked me to get in touch and set up a get together with all of us. Now Stabler.. that's a done deal. The feelings I thought I had for him, I honestly dont."
Amanda felt Olivia trembling. Something was up with her friend. Just then Carisi walked in to the precinct, and walked into Olivia's office. When he saw Amanda standing by Liv he shot her a dirty almost warning look.
"What are you doing here Amanda? I thought we discussed that this wasn't a good idea."
Olivia scowled at him, she hadn't seen this side of Carisi before and she sure didn't like how he talked down to his wife. Before she could speak Amanda being the woman she was ripped into him.
"First of all Dominick, you sure as hell dont need to air our dirty laundry here. But also didn't I tell you if you had a problem with me coming to see Liv that you could go home and get your shit and leave. That's still an option. I havent seen Olivia in a month and I stopped to see her."
Next thing she knew Olivia had left the office and went into the restroom. Amanda knew Olivia wasnt in a good space right now. She knew what Noah had told her.
"I text Joanna and told her to bring the girls to my mother. Cause right now I'm needed by my best friend. My supposed husband is throwing a bitch fit and tried to keep me from seeing her and that sure as hell didnt happen. So you can do as you wish. I'm staying to talk to Olivia and see what's going on. Another point, you cant bother to come see me, been staying in hotels while this case is going on. Why bother to throw this fit now?"
She excused herself from Carisi, and even moved out of the way when he went to kiss her. She went and found her friend in the bathroom. Hearing the soft tears from the stall. She knew something was up and couldnt put her finger on it. Noah had texted her that his mommy had been crying last night. She made sure to shut the door softly and locked it. She then spoke softly.
"Olivia, what's up? Please talk to me. I'm not going anywhere."
Olivia came out of the bathroom. She went up to the mirror and it was just in her face and in her eyes. What Amanda was picking up on wasnt good at all. Her biggest fear was the fact that what ever had happened to Olivia and she was thinking assault, that Noah had somehow witnessed it. Amanda moved closer and went to put her hand on Olivia's shoulder, that was the wrong move. Olivia went into fight or flight mode..
"DONT TOUCH ME. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. DONOT FUCKING TOUCH ME!"
Her eyes had gone to complete deer in headlights full on fear.
"I don't want to be touched. Back off"
Amanda backed off and continued watching her friend, knowing her thoughts were true. She looked at Olivia. "Liv, it's me, talk to me please. I can tell something happened. Let me be here for you."
Olivia looked at her, hugging her. Amanda hugged her back.
"I need you here with me. I need my best friend please."
Amanda continued to hug her.
"Olivia the girls are with my mom, you already saw what's going on at home. I am here for you no matter where you need me. I'll come stay over and we can just hang out. Hopefully you talk and open up."
Olivia's eyes fell, she felt ashamed and embarrassed. She wrapped her arms around herself.
"Jesus Christ how does one say this. I'm the fucking captain of NYPDSVU for fucks sake. Amanda I was raped the other night."
Amanda's jaw dropped. Moving right to hug her bestfriend. Holding her tight. This time Liv let her hold her. She wasn't afraid of Amanda's touches. They were gentle and comforting.
"Liv have you been checked out? You know I will take you for a kit, and Im sure as hell not leaving your side."
Olivia sighed, scratching the back of her neck. "I havent been yet. It happened late last night, um after I put Noah to bed and after my shower. No I didn't take a shower this am. Had no time Noah has been clingy since I was jumped. The guy just said that I had options to let him teach me a lesson and leave or he could teach me a lesson and Noah and leave. I couldn't risk him doing anything to my son. So of course I just let him do what he wanted. Noah heard me scream, but I played it off as a nightmare. Amanda I didnt want him to hurt Noah. My son has been traumatized enough. Fuck, he saw me get jumped. He called Fin."
Amanda shook her head, just as someone banged on the door, yelling that they had to use the facilities or they would piss on the floor.
"Look Liv, let's get out of here. I'll take you to get a kit. Then we can go wherever you want and most importantly wherever you feel safe."
She unlocked the door, letting in the person at the door mumbling all sorts of shit. She just took Liv's hand and lead her out. Fin looking up as they walked through the squad room to Liv's office. Amanda lipping to him that she had Liv and everything was under control.
Olivia looked at her, "But you need to go home and spend time with your husband Amanda. You're still a newlywed."
Amanda touched her shoulder, "You saw how it was with him. To be honest that was the first time I saw him since getting married. Olivia, you're my best friend, you just went through actual hell. Actual fucking hell. My daughters are with their grandmother and my focus is you right now. I'm not gonna lie, Noah did text me earlier cause he was worried about you. How about you have Lucy pick him up from school, and him go stay with her and I take care of you tonight? I can get us another hotel room and we can do whatever we need to do to get you to heal and get this guy."
Olivia looked at her, "I ughh.. I guess we can go get a rape kit done. You won't leave me right? Then we can do whatever. I know my room will have to be checked by the police. That was the only room he was in. I want to say he got in by using the fire escape. Cause that is how he left."
Amanda brought Olivia to get a rape kit. It is such a brutal thing to go through and she was glad she went with her. She couldnt see Olivia going through this alone. She stayed and held her hand through the steps of the kit. It broke her heart to hear Liv's soft cries. Amanda took it upon herself to text Lucy and have her pick up Noah. She told her that she was with Liv on a case. Of course Lucy said no problem.
Olivia was telling the nurse exactly what happened. How she never saw his face. She didn't shower. How he got her once on the bed and then had her shoved against the wall. She did still have the robe he had pulled open and it was on the floor of her bedroom. They told her since she hadnt showered since the incident that they had all the evidence they needed and that an officer would be calling her. They understood that she was the captain of her own police department but they wanted her to go through another department just because of her ties to where she was. She could completely understand it. They let her get up and dressed. With Olivia being the captain of svu they wanted to make sure she was taken care of and whoever did this was brought to justice. They also told Olivia that officers would go over to the house and in her room to check and get any evidence left behind. Telling her that she would receive a call to let her know when it was safe to go back to her place.
Amanda put her jacket over Olivia as they walked out of the ER. She just wanted her friends privacy respected. Walking her to the car, she made sure to keep her arm around her waist.
"Let's get you something to eat, and get a room. You're stuck with me cause no way in hell am I leaving you to go through this alone."
They got into the car, Amanda drove them to a hotel. Was nearby, it didnt look like one of those slum ones. She left Liv in the car and got them a room, grabbing the key card she went back out to get Liv from the car. Again putting her jacket over Olivia to protect her privacy til they got to the room.
"All they had was this decent one bed room that was available. I didnt want to drag you from place to place. Ill sleep on this sofa thing and you can take that bed."
Olivia just sat down on the bed, she was broken, sore and just numb. Amanda felt for her friend and she didnt know what to do, so she did the only thing she knew how to do. She sat on the bed with her friend and then took her friend in her arms. Holding her. Tears ran down Livs cheeks as Amanda held her and rocked her gently.
"It was so painful. He threatened to hurt Noah if I didnt. It was like he knew me and knew how to get my defenses down. He got me not once but twice in the same damn night Amanda. Two fucking times..."
Amanda rubbed her shoulders, "I am here for however long you need me. I text Lucy to pick Noah up and stay with him, I didn't tell her what was going on I just said we were on a case. I'm sure Noah is gonna call or text later.
Olivia looked at her. "Amanda, I cant ask that of you. You are a married woman, to the precinct ADA and with a new job as a speaker. Im assuming for colleges. I will be fine. You have a family to go home to Amanda. As much as I appreciate this."
Amanda squeezed her shoulder, her voice soft and tender "Liv, you are my family too. Dont ever think you're not. You are just as important. As for my marriage, I'm gonna be point blank here. I should have never gotten married. The love isnt there. I am not in love with him. I think I married him cause I felt safe and he was good with the girls." She could see Olivia needing something, some sort of a connection. "Liv do you need a hug? Do you need to be held? Just tell me what you need. I'm here for you." Amanda reached in and pulled Olivia into a hug. Just when she thought Olivia was was going to hug her back. She got a surprise. Olivia had moved in and kissed her. Amanda was shocked. She pushed herself backwards. Her voice was quiet and even toned, but stern at the same time. "Olivia, we can't do this. You just had a traumatic experience, and though I'm not happy I'm still legally married."
Olivia looked at her wide-eyed, thinking to herself 'what did I just do?' When she went to speak her voice trembled. "Amanda...Amanda...I'm sorry. I stepped out of line, I'm sorry." Amanda was just in her own head right now. Like she was going through enough with Dominick and her own feelings not knowing whether she was coming or going and and now this. Her voice was even toned she didnt want Olivia to know she was upset. "Liv, it's just that I am going through alot with my marriage and I want to be here for you. Out of respect for you and the fact I'm still legally married I just..."
Olivia nodded. "I am truly sorry Amanda. I don't know what made me do that. I truly apologize. I dont want to jeopardize our friendship. I think I needed the connection, and I'm sorry. I cant even begin to thank you for all you have done for me right now."
Amanda looked at Liv.. "I know Liv. I understand. It's just this has me feeling all sorts of ways. I've already stated that my marriage isn't working out, but at the same time I dont wanna commit adultery either. I want to wait til either separation papers are filed or divorce papers. Plus you're hitting a whirlwind of emotions right now, and I dont want you to go later on that you were taken advantage of. So please just let me be here as the best friend I want to be."
Olivia teared up. "Im really sorry. I overstepped a boundary. It wasnt intentional. But if you want...It'll be okay if you just want to leave."
Amanda stayed where she was "Olivia you know me better than that. I'm not gonna leave you like this. It's just it's hard. Okay... you have shown me the first intimate attention I have had in over a month. I myself dont want to do anything to take advantage of you." Olivia went over and hugged Amanda. After they broke the hug and took some space to breathe for a moment. Both of their phones rang. Amanda's being her mother calling with the girls wanting to say hi. Olivia's being someone who she had feelings for and felt was a friend and now proved just what their relationship truly was, and that was a farce. The girls were telling their mama how much they missed her and how they wanted to come home. She told them soon. Her mother asked how married life was treating her and she told her it wasnt what she expected and left it at that. She knew how her mother felt about marriage as she was a firm believer in it due to being raised in the south. Olivia's phone call on the other hand was not as nice. Infact it was downright cruel. It was from one person she never expected to be so damn cold and hurtful.
"So Liv, I heard through the grapevine that you slept your way through the BX9 gang. Come on isnt that taking your job as a captain a little too far, I mean all the way Benson? I mean yeah I was entertaining the thought of possibly starting something with you since Kathy died but shit I cant be with someone who has been with an entire gang and thensome. Abusing her power as a captain."
Olivia yelled into the phone, her tone filled with hurt and anger " YOU SON OF A BITCH. HOW DARE YOU? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU? I WOULD NEVER WILLINGLY SLEEP WITH A GANG. I HAVE A FUCKING CHILD TO PROTECT. WHERE THE HELL DID YOU HEAR THAT?" He chuckled into the phone. "Olivia I work with the Organized Crime Unit, did you forget? I work with taking these people down. However I cant take them down when they make the claim of sleeping with the captain of the Special Victims Department, can I?"
After Amanda received another phone call from Dominick, she told him she thought the best thing they could do right now was separate and possibly file for divorce, since he couldnt find time to spend with her or the girls. She told him she just wasnt happy and she wanted out. It wasnt fair to her or the girls. He told her whatever and he would get more stuff and extend his stay at the hotel. She then went over to Liv, hearing her friend get upset and having to defend herself. After all the shit she had just gone through Amanda nicely as she could, speaking into it once she heard the spewing hate.
"Elliot I have no idea what you said to Olivia. But with what you just spewed as I took her phone. I will make this promise and she can hear me as I say this, when I find out and I will find out. You will understand why southerners say this 'you better sleep with one eye open cotton eyed joe.'"
Amanda then hung up the phone and went over to Olivia who had just gone over to the window and was staring out. Tears glistening in her eyes. She had been betrayed in so many ways in just a couple of days. She gently placed her hand on Olivia's shoulder. She spoke softly "Olivia I'm not sorry for what I said to him on the phone. But I am here. If you need a bit of time by yourself I can go get some things from the nearby store and give you some time. I am here to do what you need."
Olivia looked at her, "We both have gone through so much in the past couple days Amanda. I don't even know what to do or what to say. Then I inserted foot in mouth and attempted to kiss you. Are you sure you still even want to be around me? I disrespected the sanctity of your marriage."
Amanda turned Olivia to face her, embracing her in a hug. "Liv, you are my bestfriend, you needed a connection of some sort. I'm not gonna leave you. You dont need or deserve to go through this alone. I am here. I am going to stay here. I am going to help you get through this. If you have to stay here for another day so be it. If its cleared for you to go back home, and you want me to come over and stay then that is what I do. Olivia that is what friends do. When you got that phone call I had called and finally Dominick answered and I told him I wanted to separate. He didnt object and said he would get his shit and extend his stay at the hotel. So my focus is with you and I will get my girls home when things are more settled. And cause I know you will somehow go there, dont you dare blame the fact that the girls are staying with my mother and the fact I told Dominick I wanted to separate on yourself. It is not you at all. This was a long time coming."
Olivia relaxed and just let Amanda hold her. She felt safe and secure and that was the most important thing right now.
Next Day...
The officers had gone through Olivia's bedroom and did what they needed to do, taking pictures, dusting for fingerprints, they did take her robe as evidence as well as her sheets, pillow and blankets. Other than that they left the room as it was, even making sure that the bed was laid the way it was and wasn't left turned over.
They woke up somewhat late, well it had been a late night. Olivia was riddled with nightmares and Amanda was right there to reassure her and make her feel safe. Olivia had felt bad for Amanda having a shitty nights sleep but was so thankful that Amanda was there. Amanda just felt she was in the right place at the right time and it felt right being there. Olivia yawned, shaking as she woke up.
"Im sorry for keeping you up all night Amanda. I do thank you for being here. You made last night bearable. I suppose going forward I better get used to that."
Amanda looked at her "Olivia no other place I would rather be. The kids are being taken care of so you right now are my priority for the time being. So what can I do for you. You're still shaking and nervous. My empathic self picks up on that."
Olivia looks at her, her fear was real. "Amanda what if he comes back? He knew who I was and he knew I had a kid. Threatened to hurt him if I didnt let him teach me a lesson. I need to be able to feel safe and I need to be able to keep Noah safe."
Amanda knew there were officers outside of the hotel door. She herself had her service weapon. She didn't have to turn it in when she left the job because she already had a permit to carry since she lived in Georgia. "Honey, you are safe, and Noah will be safe you can guarantee that. I will do everything I can. How about you call and see if you are able to go back to your apartment tonight or if they are still inspecting it." Olivia had called them and they told her it was okay for her to go back when she felt comfortable and safe. She told them thank you. She planned to go back home and clean her room, prolly burn her bedsheets, and now she wanted a new mattress. She sat down on the bed, Amanda taking the hint and sitting down next to her. Amanda rubbed her back gently to try and ease her nerves.
Later On That Day...
Olivia had Amanda bring her to a mattress shop so she could get a new one. She didn't want that mattress in her house anymore. Thankfully Amanda had been driving her pickup truck since the girls were with her mother. Amanda did with no issues. She wanted to make this transition back to her apartment as easy as she could. After they got the new mattress and loaded it up in her truck Amanda offered to take her to get new sheets and a new robe as well.
Amanda received a text from Dominick..
"Amanda so I got your separation papers. I did sign them. Reluctantly but I did. So you complain about me not coming home even though I'm on a case, but where are you? You sure aren't home and putting any effort into this."
Amanda looked down at the text, relieved that he signed the papers.
"Well we are now officially separated. Thankfully. Hmm tit for tat eh? Ok I'll play along. How bout the fact you can go to the bar, and not come home, while on a case. You don't think I know? I know the people at the bar. I got the phone call. So let's just cut the chase, we are going to end up getting a divorce. So just go ahead and move on. Since it was my apartment first, I'll have you find a place and until you do, the girls will be with my mother and I'll bunk on Fin's couch or even Olivia's. I dont even plan on asking spousal support, I just want it to be done. I'm not happy, I didn't get married to be alone all the time. I didn't get married so I could pleasure myself with toys when the needs arise cause my supposed husband is out on a case. So let it be done and don't contest it."
Amanda just let it be. She wanted to focus on Olivia and help get her through. They had gone to Olivia's apartment and you could feel Livs nerves. Amanda just kept doing her best to reassure her. When they walked around the apartment, nothing was out of place and it was clean. She saw Olivia rub her face and head towards her bedroom. "Do you want me to go in with you or would you like it if I wait right here? Or I can go in first and make sure it's all clear and safe for you."
Olivia looked at Amanda, "While I appreciate everything you have done and you being here. But I am an adult and I don't need my hand held to go into my own room."
Amanda looked back, feeling awkward "Never said you weren't an adult Olivia. I was trying to be nice. Shit, I didn't know how you'd react going back in there. So sorry for looking out for you. If you need me I'll be in the living room." Amanda walked out to the living room and let Olivia do what she needed to do. She was at a loss here, trying to support her friend, this was new to her she didn't really have good friends. She sat on the couch, she had turned the tv on to see the news. She just wanted to give Olivia space. A part of her wanted to leave but she didn't want to do that to Liv. She got up to make some tea, she had been in Liv's place before and she knew not to make a mess. After she made her tea and settled back down it had been about forty-five minutes and Liv finally came out. Olivia had really been through alot in her time alone. Her eyes were red from crying. Olivia herself didn't even expect Amanda to still be there after the way she acted.
Olivia's voice was soft, you could hear the fact that she was still very emotional and raw.
"Uh Amanda, I know I screwed up. I screwed up bad. The Old Benson the Guarded Bitch came out. I'm sorry for snapping. You were trying to be a good friend. You've been a good friend to me throughout this ordeal. I'm not used to having girlfriends or anybody who cares. Honestly. It's new to me. I'm independent by nature, and that usually means I get through everything alone."
Amanda looked at her. She did feel bad for Olivia. The woman was going through so much. She patted the seat next to her, telling Olivia to come sit down. It took Olivia a couple seconds to come over. When she finally sat down Amanda scooted a little bit closer, putting her hand on the now trembling brunettes shoulder.
"Olivia, you've been through one hell of an ordeal. One that I have been through and I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. You're scared though you don't want to be. As much as you feel you didn't protect Noah. You most certainly did. I know the feeling all to well of being alone and no support. But Liv you do have support. I am here, you have our squad who is going to be there for you no matter what. I know you're still in fight or flight mode, and yes while my feelings did feel hurt when you snapped at me, I knew it was more of the fear and hurt talking."
Olivia looked at her. She took a shaken breath, "I am lucky that you are here with me and I don't have to go through all of this on my own. I appreciate you and your friendship very much. I hope you know that. And I'm here for you as well. I know right now isn't such an easy time for you either. You recently got married and now you're getting divorced. That's alot to go through Amanda. So I am here for you to talk and lean on too."
Few Days Later...
Amanda had still been staying with Olivia. Olivia just didn't want to be alone. Noah was back home and he was happy that his mommy had support even though he still didn't know what was going on. They had gotten the guy that had did this, Carlos Hernandez had been arrested and charged. He wasn't saying anything cause all he wanted was his lawyer. Fin was handing him his ass. His fingerprints and his fluids were found, so there was no getting out of this. They were just making sure everything was all intact and that he couldn't get out of this. The only thing that was very uncomfortable but bearable was the fact she had to deal with her soon to be ex-husband who was the ADA. She had one thing to do and that was get her bestfriend through this ordeal.
They were in Olivia's office. Amanda closed the door, "Hey what can I do for you? Today has been a hell of a day on you. I want to make sure you have the support you need."
Olivia came over to Amanda and hugged her, her chin on Amanda's shoulder. Amanda hugged her back. Olivia's voice was soft, full of hurt but grateful. "Amanda, I can't even express how much I appreciate you just being here. You checking on me that day and being here with me through everything since. It means so damn much."
Amanda smiled, "Olivia there is no place I'd rather be. We've been through alot in our friendship, but it's times like these that you truly find out who is there and who's gonna stay. I didn't have this back in Georgia with Patton, and I wish I did. Not that I wished this on you in any way, shape or form. But I am glad I can be here for someone who went through it and make sure she isn't alone."
Olivia just stayed in that hug. It was what she needed and it was appreciated that Amanda just kept her arms around the brunette, til Olivia broke the hug. All this time with the blonde that had left to become a speaker/ professor stirred up feelings and she already felt bad for kissing Amanda.
Amanda picked up on Liv's nervousness if you wanted to call it that. "Hey Liv, what's on your mind? I feel something is on your mind."
Olivia just shrugged, there was a lot on her mind. All of the sudden she was seeing Amanda in a whole new light. The woman had been here more than any guy in her life had been. She didn't ask for nor make any moves. Just was there. Plus where this was the first time she had seen her in weeks. She wasn't sure if it was feelings of missing her friend or feelings of wanting more.
Olivia took a deep breath, "You're right, there is something on my mind. It's not easy to say, and it's a loaded emotion so to speak. But maybe once I get these feelings out, I'll be able to process more, and maybe move on.
The feelings I have had for you have intensified. They were just really starting to become more evident when we hung out that night in the hotel room, maybe more so after we tag teamed that guy for a three-some. They have really gotten stronger these last few months and I've been unsure how to process them.
When you left to go take the speaking/ professor job I let all the anger of losing my right hand woman and best friend overtake my feelings.
Now that you're here, and I can't stop the feeling. Which is why I went to kiss you."
Amanda was a bit taken a back. For a long time she wanted to hear these words. Never in a million years thought she actually would. She was trying to wrap her mind around the words, the confession that Olivia was saying.
Amanda took a drink of her drink that was on the table. She chuckled lowly,
"Oh boy, It's getting heavy in here. Olivia I appreciate the fact that you are being so honest with me about your feelings. It means alot. Alot more than you know."
Amanda got back up and went outside for a few minutes. She just needed a little bit of space to clear her head and think. Olivia just stayed on the couch, letting Amanda take the time she needed. It was about like ten minutes before Amanda came back in. She came over to the couch where Olivia was, she sat down close to Liv. She then gently touched Liv's face, moving in and kissing Olivia.
After kissing Olivia for a few moments, Amanda broke the kiss. Her voice soft, and her eyes darker blue than before.
"That's how I feel.."
Couple days after the kiss....
Amanda had still been staying with Olivia. Since Dominick was still at the apartment. She did feel some sort of relief with the fact that they weren't going to stay in the lie of a marriage.
Olivia had been totally shocked that Amanda had kissed her back, and she had kissed her lovingly. Since Amanda had said 'that's how I feel' after the kiss it gave her some hope that more than just the spark was there. She decided she was going to take Amanda on a date. She wanted to romance her and just see where they go.
Olivia decided to make reservations at a little italian restaurant that she had been to before. She just wanted it intimate between them, where they could talk and enjoy each others company and with any luck hopefully kiss again. Olivia hadnt felt tingles like that in a long time.
They had gone back to work. After Olivia had taken a few days to recover, which she was more than entitled to. Olivia not pressuring Amanda to come back. So Amanda went to do her speaking gig. But was texting and even calling a couple times to see how Liv was hanging in.
"Amanda- I know you're happy and love what you're doing now. But I want to say I miss you here. It's just not the same without you. But change of subject. I want to take you to dinner tonight. That is, if you are okay with that?..."
She sent the text. Now she nervously awaited the response from the woman she was catching feelings for. She didn't hear back for a while, it kinda got to her, like maybe she really had overstepped her boundaries. About forty-five minutes later she got a text
"Liv- Hey sorry it took so long to get back to you. Had some students after class ask me to explain a few things. So I did that. As for missing me at work, I miss working with you too. Alot. Hmm dinner with a pretty brunette, sure I'd like that alot."
It was about twenty minutes from the end of Olivia's shift. She gathered her stuff and went out to say good night to her crew. Muncy, Fin and Velasco were all still working on final notes. Fin looked at Liv, "Wow the first one out tonight Liv? You have a good night."
Olivia chuckled, "It's been a day, and an adjustment being back here after everything. With that I have a nice bottle of wine calling my name."
Made Olivia smile alot that Amanda agreed to have dinner. She called and made the dinner reservations. She also took it upon herself to grab some flowers for Amanda. She was torn between lillies and peonies. She looked at both sets of flowers and settled on the lillies. She got the florist to wrap them up beautifully with a blue ribbon that matched Amanda's eyes.
She headed over to the restaurant, sitting in her car for a few minutes gathering her thoughts. She really wanted tonight to go smoothly and hopefully in the way that she and Amanda would be now working on things together. She finally went into the restaurant and the maitre'd sat her at the table. It was a table a little off to the back infront of the window where there was a perfect view of the water. She was a bit nervous, the waiter brought her some water. About ten minutes later Amanda showed up. Olivia smiled. She got up and hugged her. Then handed her the flowers. "These are for you, a gesture of thanks for everything you have done for me. Despite everything you have had going on in your life especially with your marriage, you have been there for me. I appreciate it so much."
Amanda blushed "Olivia, thank you. They are beautiful lillies. So I am curious. What made you invite me to dinner and give me these gorgeous flowers?"
Olivia smiled and told her to just relax and wanted to order their food before they began talking. She wanted Amanda to relax, the more she just looked at her, the more her feelings intensified. Soon their beverages and dinner were brought out. Olivia braced herself. Now that the food was here it made it a little easier to have a conversation.
"Amanda, there is a reason that I invited you out for dinner. And I'm trying to get this out, so please bear with me. I know the first time I went to kiss you, I made you very uncomfortable, and I'm so sorry for that. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. Not to mention put all that on your shoulders especially when you were having troubles in your marriage."
Amanda went to interrupt her to tell her that she wasn't the reason for her marriage troubles but Liv wouldn't let her.
"Please I just need to get this out. Amanda I have feelings for you, and I am attracted to you. The bad thing is I really came to that realization when we worked that last case and you came up to the hotel all cause I found someone had set up a camera in the mirror. Then we tag teamed and got that guy that did it. I was beside myself when you told me you were leaving svu. I was afraid to lose you, and I was afraid I would never have the chance to tell you how I feel. As scared as I am. Amanda my feelings escalated then and you were a married woman. What I'm saying is, when you are ready, I would like a chance. I like you alot, you're a beautiful woman inside and out. Hard worker thats for damn sure. Smart as hell, personality. Plus you are an amazing mother to Jesse and Billie."
Olivia reached over and played with Amanda's hair, brushing it back away from her face. Amanda thought it was really cute how Liv did this when she was nervous. Amanda smiled.
"I know this is a nervous habit with you, especially when you get to playing with my hair. So can I ask why you are so nervous?"
Olivia blushed, shocked that the blonde knew her habits like that. Especially where noone else had ever bothered to pay attention to those things.
"Well for one I have something important that I want to ask, but dont know how and or why as a grown as woman I am so damn nervous. And another thing, how do you know my habits?"
Amanda smiled, a blush creeping across her cheeks. "I'm a detective first Liv, yeah right now Im currently a speaker, that doesn't stop the detective in me. Plus you need to remember I studied your cases and you before I came here from Georgia. So yes there was the admiration for you that yes there still is. So I studied you and learned to read you. It's been an interesting ride. But really Liv, there's no need to be nervous around me. We can talk about anything and everything. So please don't be nervous or afraid to ask me anything."
Olivia took a big sip of wine. This was her chance. She didn't know what was going to come of this. She was letting the liquid courage slide down her throat.
"Amanda, I want more with you. I don't know how else to say it. I know you just split with Sonny and filed for divorce, I just cant help the way I feel."
Amanda let Olivia continue to play with her hair. It felt nice actually, she hadn't had this attention in a while. She sure never got it after she got married, all before sure but not afterwards. Amanda went to speak, her voice soft.
"Olivia, I don't even know what to say. Before you take that the wrong way. Please let me explain. I've been with both men and women. Highschool and college were some years I'll say that. I have never felt complete with a man, something was always lacking and missing. I have yet to be able to put my finger on it. Even when I thought I found family with Al after I got pregnant the second time. You told me that I didn't have to marry him. That I could do it on my own and raise my girls. Then recently with Dominick, yes I loved him, hell a part of me still does. But I was more of a bragging prize than anything to him. No time spent, no romance or anything. Ever since you got assaulted, it has really opened my eyes to what my true feelings are. I myself have feelings for you. I want to act upon them and see what's there but I am also scared. Scared cause of what happened to you and the feelings not really being reciprocated. Scared cause of the fact I don't want you to think that you're a rebound after Dominick."
Olivia looked at her, she and Amanda were really alot alike. They both had it rough when it came to alot of things. Neither of them growing up and having the parental nurturing they needed, neither of them having any kind of luck in relationships.
"Amanda, there is just something that is leading me to you. I know it's genuine feelings for you. But we don't need to make any kind of decisions right now. I really just wanted to take you out for dinner and talk. For one it was to thank you for everything while the investigation is going on. For two, it was to talk on neutral ground so neither of us felt pressured. Um.. I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable. I'd like for you to stay at my place til Carisi leaves. I don't want you to have to stay at a hotel especially when they girls come back."
Amanda smiled, she really appreciated this. "Well I would like to see where things would go with you. I just want to take things slow. I don't want the girls to see me just bounce with the next person. I want them to have stability. I'm scared and I know you are too."
If you are going to leave a review please be constructive if youre going to criticize me. Dont leave me negative feed back because I dont paint certain characters in a light that you want. This is my imagination. As for another fic I have in the works is similiar to this