Full disclaimers on Chapter 1.
Stop NOW if DRAMA/TRAGEDY is NOT something you are interested into reading, or if it is a bad trigger for you.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles nor any of the characters from the show. I am writing this purely for entertainment, not profit. Rizzoli and Isles are property of Tess Gerritsen and TNT.
I am not a native English speaker, and I don't have a beta. So all mistakes are 100% mine.
Enough of disclaimers and warnings – read at your own risk. Reviews are always welcome!
Chapter 92
Since they were in the office, Maura picked a black folder, and glued the pages of the eulogy on both sides of it. She ran her eyes over it, but the words were burn in her almost perfect memory. The paper was just her mental crutch, given her emotions were likely to get the best of her.
"I need to get ready." Maura explained to her mother. She left the envelopes by her purse in the kitchen, but took the folder up with her to her bedroom, closing the door.
Constance moved to the bedroom Maura had assigned to her, to get ready. She chose a simple black outfit.
Given the complete silence of the house, Constance could hear Maura's hushed voice as she paced her own bedroom, reading from the folder. She couldn't make out the specific words, but she could make out Maura's sobs, and her frustration. There was no way Maura was going to make it through delivering that message, Constance thought, wanting to protect her daughter at all costs, but unsure how to do so.
It was about noon when she heard the knob on Maura's bedroom door moving, and Maura stepping out.
She was wearing a simple but elegant black dress and sensible heels. There was not a drop of makeup on her face – it was as if Maura was conscious no amount of make-up would mask how lost she looked, and knowing she was going to melt down didn't grant wearing make-up.
Constance thought she looked so young. But she also looked so strong, despite her diminutive size.
They walked down the stairs.
"I would prefer if you didn't drive. I got the driver for us, if it is okay for you."
"Thank you, mother. Would you like to eat before we go?"
"Will you?"
Maura sighed. "No. I am too nervous to eat."
"I had a hearty breakfast thanks to Angela. We can eat something later…" Constance offered her arm, and Maura took it, picking the folder, and her purse to leave.
Maura provided the church directions to the driver.
The service was only supposed to begin at one, but Maura wanted to be there when the florists were finishing the arrangements in case she needed to direct any final touches.
When the driver arrived, he opened the door, helping Constance out, before walking around to help Maura out. Constance noticed Maura seemed rooted to the floor, unable to step into the church.
She took Maura's hand in hers and tugged lightly, and Maura took the gist to move and follow her.
Maura looked around, satisfied with the arrangements, knowing the simplicity and discretion would have appealed to Jane's minimalist side. They were all white roses, contrasting with the dark wood of the church interior.
The priest came to greet her.
"Dr. Isles. I remember you from TJ's christening. I am so sorry for your loss…"
"Thank you, Father. This is my mother, Constance."
"How do you do, ma'am?" he greeted politely, before turning back to Maura. "Frankie should be arriving any time soon to set up the music for the viewing."
Maura heard steps behind her, and it was the funeral home representative.
"Dr. Isles?"
"That is me." She motioned her head to the priest and her mother, and turned to talk to the representative.
Constance observed her daughter providing detailed instructions, before the men turned around.
"Father…" Maura approached them again. "Would you be so kind to walk me to…" her voice broke, betraying her. "… to where the viewing will be held?"
"Follow me, please…" he turned around and moved to the front. Maura followed him but Constance noticed it was with heavy uncertain steps, as if every step was costing her the world. It probably was.
The priest moved three stairs up, and Maura nodded.
She saw the funeral crew coming with a beautiful tall ornated urn, as well as the picture Maura had chosen to depict Jane. Maura's hands found the railing of the altar, and she discreetly supported herself, all of a sudden feeling as if all the air had been sucked out of her in a punch.
They approached, and then moved the urn to the platform with practiced easy.
Maura inhaled sharply, before turning to face the urn.
Here was what was left of Jane's body. Maura tilted her head, love and grief welling in her eyes, and Constance watched as she swallowed hard raising a hand to touch the urn. Maura then nodded, as if she was nodding to Jane.
Maura turned to look from the altar to the door, and was once again satisfied with the floral arrangements. She thanked the funeral crew, who would wait outside for two hours until it was time to move it to the cemetery. She then moved to thank the floral crew, and to confirm what would be done at the cemetery.
She then walked back to where Constance was standing, to the side.
"I am sorry, mother. We are all set now."
Constance could see the deep sorrow in the serious lines of Maura's face, her hazel eyes standing out as if they were the only part of Maura that was not dark right now.
They heard some commotion from the door, and Constance knew it must have been the Rizzoli's. She was not wrong.
Nina was carrying Stella in one arm, and TJ came running when he saw Maura, and hugged her legs. They were all wearing black, including TJ in a suite that would have made Jane weep, Maura thought. Only Stella was wearing a beige onesie, too little to be in mourning.
"Auntie Maura, they told me Auntie Jane is gone to heaven." TJ said, with tears in his eyes.
Maura just nodded at him, feeling the lump on her throat and fighting not to completely breakdown. The others caught up, and they hugged her, Tommy lingering longer – he had always been closer to Maura.
They went by Maura, while she held on to TJ, and they approached the urn that held Jane's remains.
They all set on the first row of benches. Frankie moved to the altar, to connect the music he and Nina had prepared for the viewing.
In the bench, it was Nina with Stella, Frankie's space, Angela, TJ and Tommy. On the other side of the aisle, Maura sat with Constance. Constance saw Maura opening the folder and taking one more look over the pages, when a woman Constance have never seen before touched Maura's shoulder.
Constance looked up and was struck by how much Maura resembled the woman.
"Hope!" Maura stood to greet her biological mother. Cailin was right behind her. Hope hugged Maura, offering her condolences.
Constance stood.
Maura realized she had not even thought or anticipated this encounter. "Mother, this is Dr. Hope Martin, my biological mother. Hope, this is Constance Isles, my adoptive mother." The two women shook hands politely, in what was expected in an awkward first encounter.
Hope moved to greet Angela and the Rizzoli's, before going back to sit on the other side of Maura.
Vince arrived soon, heavily supported by Kiki. Maura knew he loved Jane like a daughter. He went up to the altar before he came to greet the others and take a sit with Kiki on the corner of the front bench Maura was occupying.
Soon the church was full. The extended Rizzoli family, Cavannagh, Kent and lots of people from BPD – former colleagues of Jane from the precinct and from the ME lab, from the homicide unit and from the drug unit, as well as some of Jane's school friends. Jane had never left Boston except for the eight months stunt in DC, so a lot of people knew her. Maura's heart broke again seeing the familiar faces. She crumpled when she saw Rondo approaching Angela before moving to greet her, tears in his eyes. "I can't believe Vanilla is gone, Doc…"
It was 1PM sharp when Frankie pushed the remote control to turn on the music that marked the beginning of the viewing. 'Tears in Heaven' played, first a version with lyrics, and then different instrumental versions that Frankie and Nina had researched and sticked together.
It took a while for the slow procession of the church to go through the viewing. The first row went first, beginning with the Rizzoli's, followed by Maura's side of the bench, and followed row after row, until the entire congregation had a chance to touch the urn one last time. Most of them stopped for a moment besides the urn, and the people Maura knew personally she could think exactly what they were remembering when they stopped there. Dan, former Jane's partner on the drug unit, was likely recalling Jane saving his daughter. Kent was likely remembering the hard time Jane always gave him to anything related to Maura. Martinez was there, even Crowe seemed shaken, and so many others.
The hour that Maura thought would drag went by in the blink of an eye, as a movie passed in Maura's mind seeing those familiar faces go through the altar.
Then, Frankie stopped the music, that had been timed perfectly, for the church ritual to begin.
Maura followed the priest words, the choir singing the Psalm 23 – Maura paid attention to the lyrics, understanding perfectly well why Jane might have favored this particular hymn over others.
And then it was time for Maura to deliver the eulogy.
She stood, smoothing her dress, and picked the folder.
Instead of walking to the pulpit, she walked to the urn.
She opened the folder with one hand, and moved her other hand to touch the urn. Even now she was drawing strength from Jane.
Maura had not even opened her mouth yet, and there was already not one dry eye in the congregation.
Maura looked up at them and cleared her throat before beginning:
"Jane… Was not supposed to be here…" Maura's eyes motioned lovingly to the urn.
"And we…" Maura's eyes moved around the church. "We were not supposed to be here…
Yet, here we are…
For twenty months, Jane fought harder than any of you ever saw her fight before.
And all who know Jane are aware of how hard she fought for everything.
She always did it as if it was the last thing she would do in life.
Only this time, it was.
And because Jane knew exactly what she was fighting against,
She had a chance to prepare for the undesired but inevitable outcome.
Jane explicitly asked that this message she wrote would be delivered to all of you."
Maura paused, to mark the change to Jane's message, before continuing, taking a moment to collect herself. Her voice had been breaking, but the cold urn surface underneath her hand was the source of her strength. She would get through this because of Jane, and for Jane.
She proceeded to read Jane's message very paused. As she imagined Jane's husky voice delivering it to the congregated assembly:
"If you are reading this, it is because I am dead.
I always wanted to use this cliché line from the movies, until I didn't.
Still, here I am.
Or, better, here you are. I am not. I am gone.
I am gone until we meet again.
I came to the end of my journey,
I traveled my last weary mile.
If you can, forget I ever frowned
And remember only my smile.
Please forget unkind words I have spoken,
Remember some good I have done.
Forget that I ever had a heartache,
And remember I've had loads of fun.
Forget that I have stumbled and blundered,
And that sometimes I fell by the way.
Remember I have fought some hard battles and won,
Before the end of the day.
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day.
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember to place them where I lay.
And come in the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west…
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best."
Maura had kept steady, despite the tears streaming from her eyes. She paused again to signal this was the end of Jane's message.
"Grief, I have learned, is really just love.
It is all the love you want to give, but cannot.
All that unspent love gathers in the corner of your eyes,
The lump in your throat,
And in that hollow part of your chest.
Grief is just love with no place to go.
But let's not forget that every smile was built from a place of hurt.
That each laugh has followed tears.
And the pain that bind us together today is the product of so much good we shared together before.
Let's do Jane's biding:
Remember her thousand-watt smile, remember all the good she has done, remember how much fun she had with all of us… And remember how much we all loved her.
And love… Love does not die. People do.
So now that all that's left of Jane is love, let's give that love away."
Maura closed the folder in her hand, kissed the tips of her fingers, touching the urn, before she walked shakily back to the bench.