Full disclaimers on Chapter 1.

Stop NOW if DRAMA/TRAGEDY is NOT something you are interested into reading, or if it is a bad trigger for you.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles nor any of the characters from the show. I am writing this purely for entertainment, not profit. Rizzoli and Isles are property of Tess Gerritsen and TNT.

I am not a native English speaker, and I don't have a beta. So all mistakes are 100% mine.

Enough of disclaimers and warnings – read at your own risk. Reviews are always welcome!

Chapter 99

"It is not like Dr. Isles to be late for an appointment." Melanie, the therapist, mentioned to her secretary, after opening the door and scanning the room, seeing only one other patient waiting.

Maura stood.

"Hello, Melanie."

"Maura? Oh my God, I am so sorry, I have not recognized you." Melanie approached, extending her hand to Maura. "Please come with me."

She closed the door of her office after Maura, and Maura took a seat.

"It has been a while, but I would never have expected such a change in your appearance. You look twenty years younger."

Maura smiled, conscious that even dressed up, the short hair still granted her a youthful look.

"It is good to see you too, Melanie, it has been actually over three years since I was here last."

"So tell me, what brings you here this time around?"

Last time, Melanie remembered well, Maura was dealing with the aftermath of being abducted, and it had been a long process for her to handle the post traumatic effects. Melanie had reviewed Maura's file in preparation for the today's appointment, having fresh in her mind the developments after that, the crazy situation with an obsessed criminal that was actually targeting Maura's best friend, Detective Rizzoli, the subsequent issues of Maura's temporary brain impairment and surgery, and how Maura had achieved a full-clear bill.

Maura exhaled, thinking where to begin.

"I understand you specialize in trauma and loss."

"Yes, I do."

"I…" Maura faltered. She hadn't realized it was going to be this hard every time she needed to tell someone Jane was dead. But it was. And it was one of the reasons why she was here. "I am here because I need help dealing with a major loss…"

Melanie was observing her, waiting for more details. She knew with Maura she was more like a sounding board, the woman knew the theory better than she did herself, but of course Maura had not practiced psychology, and that was where Melanie felt she could add some value.

Maura swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump on her throat. "Jane… Do you remember Detective Jane Rizzoli, my best friend?"

"I do." Melanie smiled, remembering how much Maura spoke about the woman, and how impressed she had been when she met Jane one day when she accompanied Maura to one of the appointments.

"She… She died… Two months ago…" Maura could not prevent the tears, and she picked a tissue from the box on the table to dab her eyes.

"Oh, Maura, I am so sorry to hear that, I had no idea." Melanie offered, sincerely, because if there was one thing she distinguishably remembered about them was how really close-knitted they both were. "Why don't you begin by telling me what happened?

Maura swallowed hard, again.

"Jane… She was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia almost two years ago. It was a very aggressive form of AML, that developed very quickly. And despite the treatment and the transplant, the cancer relapsed while she was still recovering from the transplant." Maura explained in a contained voice.

"Jane… she had moved to DC for a job with the FBI for eight months when we found out about the disease. She came back to Boston for treatment, and moved in with me… I… I resigned from my office as Chief Medical Examiner… We isolated together, you might be familiar with the AML treatment restrictions. And I had the privilege to spend those almost two years very close to her."

"Did it help?" Melanie asked gently.

"I think it did help, both of us. It was a pity the outcome was not what we all wished for. But I think we managed to make the best we possibly could while it lasted…"

Melanie could see that, despite the deep sadness, Maura didn't look stressed in the typical sense loss patients would come to her with. Those were people still struggling on the grief process. Maura seemed to have lived through those – she was not deflecting or trying to hide her sadness, but she didn't seem also to be in the throes of distress. So Melanie was curious to pinpoint what exactly Maura expected to achieve.

"And how have you been handling the loss? If I recall well, you and Jane were really close."

Maura smiled sadly. "We were… I… I think the fact that we knew the prognosis the moment the cancer relapsed gave us about four months to get used to the idea, to prepare in a way – although I don't think anything really prepares you for it. But shock, denial, anger, bargaining, they all happened while we still had Jane among us, just inexorably declining."

Maura exhaled sharply before continuing. "The first few days after her passing I was utterly devastated, and I could not function at all. I decided to go with my adoptive mother to California for three weeks. I spent a lot of time alone, but outdoors, in a secluded beach or hiking, and it helped with the worse of the depression, I guess. Since I came back, I started my new routines, and most of the time it has been manageable and I even surprise myself enjoying the things I am doing, regardless of how much I deeply miss having Jane with me. And having Jane's family surrounding me is another immense comfort."

"That sounds extremely positive, Maura. But I still can't see why you are here then…"

Maura exhaled, again.

"You see, I began having this dream. A recurring dream… Well… Not exactly recurring…"

"A nightmare?"

"No. Not a nightmare. The dream is vivid, and it is a good dream. In it, Jane shows up. Simply shows up. And I am surprised, because I know for a fact she is gone. But then she explains to me all has been a misunderstanding, a mistake or a confusion of some sort. And that she is there, never gone. And we talk, and we laugh, and… And then I wake up…" Maura sobbed, despite her tentative of self-control. "And I am crippled having to live the loss all over again." Maura said, breathless, just like she felt when she woke up from those dreams.

"And you say they are not exactly recurring?"

"I mean, I had them six times, the pattern of the dream is the same every time. But every time, the misunderstanding, mistake or confusion that explains why we all thought she was gone is different. The things we talk and laugh about are different. But the overarching structure of the dream is recurring."

"And what do you think of it?"

"I… I am afraid that at some subconscious level I have not accepted her death. Or that I am obsessed. I… I am not sure… I just know that I feel thorn apart. On one hand, these dreams, while they last, they are blissful, you know? Jane is back, we are together, and while I am dreaming I wish they could last forever, that I never ever have to wake up again. On the other hand, when I wake up from them, I can barely function." Maura admitted, biting her lower lip.

Melanie smiled gently, understanding.

"Is it fair to assume that you were the one handling all the medical aspects of Jane's treatment? How to handle news, treatment, etc?"

"Yes."

"Well, so then let me begin with the good news. You are not obsessed, Maura, and you don't have a loss acceptance problem. What you described is very known in practical cases and in literature, but it is not common in all losses. We see that a lot in losses involving spouses, or parents and their children, but not in other losses. The reason being that typically, spouses or parents/children are the ones handling the day-to-day emotional toll of news and treatment. In your case, since you were the one handling those, you are the one more likely to carry these dreams."

Maura exhaled, a little bit more alleviated.

"What are the bad news?" Maura tried.

"The bad news is that there is nothing we can do in terms of therapy for this. We haven't been successful yet in controlling those dreams. Not through therapy. Not through medication. They will reduce frequency with time, but they will never go completely away. I have patients that I treat for more than fifteen years now, and that still have those dreams, just not as often as they had in the beginning." Melanie replied, carefully. "What we might do is try to find ways to help you to cope with the waking up of those dreams."

"I would like that. As I said, while the dream lasts, it is really comforting, I just wished the dream could last forever. It is the waking up of it that is dreadful. I can't withstand losing Jane again every other morning, you know?" Maura admitted, a deep sorrow in her hazel eyes.

"I understand. And we will try a few things…"

And Melanie proceeded to offer Maura a couple of alternatives to try until their next session, under the promise of Maura scheduling a follow up session after she had a chance to try those things at least two or three times.