A\N: Another JIBBS Oneshot, enjoy Angels.
She doesn't want to believe that she's just witnessed that happening.
She doesn't want to admit to herself that she just witnessed that happening.
She doesn't want to close her eyes and re-live that for the rest of her life.
She doesn't want to fall asleep every night, only to wake up in tears, calling Jethro to see if he's real, only to remember he's no longer here.
But she has to believe it because she witnessed it. She watched as the Chimera blew up, along with four of her best agents and her Medical Examiner, who are like her children, her grandfather and love of her life. Tears welling up in her eyes, she turns and walks out of MTAC, bumping into Abby, the loveable Goth. She has to be Director Shepard, not Jenny Shepard and she has to break the news to Abby about the team even though it'll crush both of them, and the entire agency.
Jen watches as Abby's face crumples as she reads the older woman's face and Jen doesn't hesitate in bringing the goth labrat into a hug, something they both need. Jen lets Abby cry on her shoulder, rubbing her back as she holds in her own tears. Now is not the time to break and cry and grieve.
Pulling away from Abby, Jen wipes away the young woman's tears from her face using her thumb and kisses her pigtailed hair. Like Jethro would do.
"You're more than welcome to come to my office with me if you like." Jen offers softly, Abby shakes her head, her pigtails swishing as she smiles sadly. "No thank you, Director, you need to cry over Gibbs. I know you still love him." Jen sighs sadly.
"How did you know?" She asks, walking to the catwalk railing and leaning against it, looking out at the Major Crimes Response Team bullpen, her green eyes focused on one desk. Flashes of him at that desk run through her mind.
Him giving her mock glares when she was on his team.
Him sitting on it as she, Stan and Will talking about their latest case.
Him laughing when she falls off her desk chair because Stan messed with it.
Him yelling at his computer to stop doing something he doesn't understand.
Him ordering her to breathe as a panic attack hits her.
Him sitting at his desk and looking up at her when he senses her walking on the catwalk when she got promoted to Director.
Him watching as she walks away from his desk.
Those things will never happen again.
Jen looks at the Goth who nods in understanding. "Go, Director, I'll tell Cynthia to tell anyone to leave you alone for a while." Jen looks at the younger woman gratefully before walking to her office, past Cynthia and into her office, locking the door.
Once her office door is locked, Jen walks over to her liquor cabinet, gets herself a bottle of bourbon, two tumblers, and walks over to her desk, setting the bottle and glasses down while she goes in her top drawer to get her favorite photo:
Her and Jethro in Paris in '99, standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, her on his back, him holding her, looking at her with love in his blue eyes.
She'd never see the love for her shining in his eyes ever again, all because of that damn exploding boat. She'll never get to tell him that she still loves him, that she never stopped loving him, that she never should've run away from Paris and taken that unit offer. She left it too late to tell him she loves him.
Picking up the photo, the bottle of bourbon and the two glasses, and walks over to the couch. Curling up on the couch, kicking off her heels, Jen pours herself a glass of bourbon, looking at Jethro's dazzling smile and allows the tears to fall down her face. She thought she knew what grieving him was like after she grieved for him for six years but those years will seem like a walk along the Seine compared to a lifetime of grieving for him. She sips her drink, her tears blurring her vision. Sobs erupt from her as she drops the glass on her floor as she brings her legs to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs.
Her heart feels like her heart is being pulled from her chest by the most violent murderer she's ever interrogated. She'd rather die because of everything she did to Jethro rather than having Jethro die for doing his job but it's too late for her to die.
A knock comes at her office door, but she doesn't move from her couch. She needs to be alone for a while as Jen Shepard, a woman who's grieving the loss of her family before she becomes Director Shepard, the head of an Armed Federal Agency, who lost her best NCIS team and ME. The knock comes again.
"Director, it's Abby, can I come in?" Jen doesn't bother to wipe away her tears from her face as she gets from her couch and unlocks her office door before scampering back to her couch, curling back up, her eyes fixated on the photo of her and Jethro as Abby enters the office and sits down opposite her, with a sad smile.
"You really do love him don't you?" The Goth asks the redhead who nods his head.
"Yeah, I do love him, I've loved him since I started NCIS as a Probie on Jethro's team all those years ago, I just didn't tell him until Paris in 1999. On my first day as Director, Jethro asked me if there was a chance we could start our relationship again but I said no, again." Jen scoffs as she tells Abby.
"Why did you say no again? What was the first no?" The Goth asks. Jen sighs.
"When our undercover operation was over, Jethro asked me to come back to Washington with him, but I said no because I got offered my own unit and I thought we wouldn't survive once we got back home so I left my coat on the plane with a Dear John letter and watched as he left Paris without me. I realised three seconds after his plane left, that it was the worst decision I've ever made." Jen says with regret clear in her voice.
"I dream about doing everything differently, Abby. I dream that I said yes to coming home with him, telling him that we can survive anything the universe throws at us and maybe if I did, we'd be married with kids for you guys to spoil rotten. Don't do what I did, Abby: don't let the one thing that you have slip through your fingers, because if you do, you'll regret it for the rest of your life." Jen says, tears falling down her face again. She looks at Abby through her blurred vision who instantly hugs the Director.
"What if I told you you can do it differently?" The Goth asks as she pulls away from the redhead, Jen snaps her head to her surrogate daughter.
What is she talking about? Jen asks herself.
"W..what are you talking about? How can I do it differently when I just witnessed Jethro, the team and Ducky blow up?" Jen drains the rest of her drink before giving Abby the best impersonation of the Gibbs' glare she can. Abby smiles.
"Look out in the bullpen." Jen frowns before she slips on her heels and walks out of her office, Abby behind her.
Walking out of her office, Abby a few steps behind her, Jen gasps as she sees a familiar, silver haired, blue eyed agent standing in the middle of the MCRT bullpen, looking for her.
"Jethro!" Jen says, running down the catwalk steps and into his arms, her legs wrapping around his waist, her arms going around his neck, her head finding itself lodged in between his shoulder and neck, tears spilling from her eyes in relief.
"You're here, you're really here." Jen says through her sobs. Lifting her head, Jen looks into the crystal blue eyes of her true love before their lips collide with each other.
They kiss for a long time before they pull away, needing to breathe.
"H..how did you guys survive? I watched as you blew up." Jen asks, unwrapping her legs from his waist. Jethro wipes away the stray tears from her face.
"We stole the Russian pirates speedboat just as the Chimera blew up, you just didn't see the speedboat." He says with a smile, his arms going around her waist.
"I love you, Jethro, I've always loved you. Watching you blow up right in front of me just made me realise that I should've told you three years ago when I became Director that I love you but I didn't and I've always regretted that I didn't tell you yes when you asked me to come home with you in Paris." Jen says, kissing the love of her life again.
"I love you too, Jen, I was too stubborn to admit it to you before today." Jethro admits to the redheaded Director as they pull away. Jen leans her forehead against Jethro's, staring into his crystal blue eyes.
Leaning against the door of her bedroom, Director Jennifer 'Jenny, Jen' Gibbs watches as her husband sleeps in their bed, sleeping peacefully.
It's been two months since the explosion and a month since they've been married and while she's grateful that her husband and the rest of their family didn't die, she really hates that she had to witness the ship blow up thinking that her family had died before her very eyes.
She hasn't slept properly since that night in MTAC two months ago, waking up screaming and crying for her husband who is always beside her, but even her husband's calm and soothing reassurances that he nor their family are going anywhere anytime soon help her sleep anymore.
"Jen, come to bed, you're exhausted, you need to sleep." Her husband says, Jen peels herself off the door and walks over to their bed, crawling beside her husband, smiling when her husband's arms automatically go around her, bringing her against him.
"I'm here, Jen, go to sleep." Jethro says, kissing her hair. Jen closes her eyes and puts her head on her husband's chest, over his beating heart. With her husband's beating heart thumping in her ear, his arms around her, Jennifer Gibbs falls into the first proper sleep she's had since the night she witnessed that damn ship blow up right in front of her.
I'm kind of grateful for that damned ship blowing up, because it's got me my husband.
A\N: Another JIBBS oneshot, enjoy Angels.