Crisis of Faith
Author's Note: This was written for lulek for the 2023 May 4th Disaster Lineage Appreciation Exchange. :)
~ Amina Gila
He could almost be walking in a different building than the Temple he grew up in, for how different the atmosphere here is now. Everything has changed since that day – was it only a couple weeks ago? – that Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon had been sent on that mission to Naboo. He still can't believe that Qui-Gon is gone.
Obi-Wan is constantly expecting him to just... be there, only to remember that he's not and never will be again. The gaping void his absence leaves only seems more prominent with each passing moment, as he tries to accustom himself to what it's like to be a Knight.
Now, all he has left of Qui-Gon is the boy his master asked him to train. Obi-Wan still doesn't know what to think of Anakin. He's different than any of the other padawans. He knows nothing about Temple life, and it's... complicated.
Their bond is forming now, and the blinding intensity of it as the connection strengthens is... overwhelming. Obi-Wan has never before felt anyone as bright and powerful as the boy.
Anakin will need a lot of training, though, to truly understand the Jedi way. Obi-Wan can feel the... pressure of that constantly, with every comment the masters make to him about his padawan. No one thinks Anakin belongs here, and they aren't exactly wrong, but Obi-Wan's going to keep his promise to Qui-Gon, whatever it takes. It was his dying wish, and he will keep it, no matter what.
Obi-Wan pauses a moment, at the sound of voices in the hall right ahead of him – there's a group of much younger padawans, close to Anakin in age, talking, and he definitely hears his own name mentioned several times.
"You're Obi-Wan Kenobi?" asks a Rodian girl, running over to him.
"Yes –"
"You fought the Sith," a Twi'lek boy says, clearly in awe.
"Can you tell us the story?" one of the others queries, hopefully.
As though it's something he desires to talk about right now. The moment the Sith cut down Qui-Gon is forever ingrained in his mind, and he hasn't had much time to think about how he was able to defeat a Sith in the first place.
Obi-Wan still doesn't know what to think of the fact that the Sith are somehow back. At least one of them is gone. He'd never felt such a strong desire to hurt anyone as he had in that moment, when the Sith had run his master though.
That fury had given him power, and he hadn't stopped to think of anything until the... pieces of the Sith were falling down the shaft.
It wasn't until later, when the worst edge of the shock over what happened started to wear off, that Obi-Wan actually stopped to think about what he did there. He... was drawing on the Dark Side.
He shouldn't've done that.
It's against everything he ever learned as a Jedi, but he still did it, and the knowledge floods him with guilt. He shouldn't have been so attached to anyone that their death would lead him to drawing on the Dark Side, either.
But he still can't seem to shake the gnawing grief eating at him, remembering Qui-Gon. He's gone, and Obi-Wan can't let go of that, even if he should. Maybe eventually, but not yet. Maybe it's just that he's not mature enough – as Jedi ought to be – to let go of the lingering attachment he had to his once master, like he really should be able to.
Despite using the Dark Side, though, Obi-Wan can't say that he feels any guilt over what he did to the Sith, no matter how awful it was. Though there's a part of him that... maybe almost feels guilty that he doesn't.
All the Jedi seem to look up to him or respect him for being the first to kill a Sith in years. He's the... Sith killer, something unforgettable, and that's what they're all expecting to see whenever they see him.
They expect to see a heroic Jedi, one who... should be a better Jedi than he is, or he shouldn't have touched the Dark Side like that. He'll have to be the Jedi they expect to see, though, if he's going to make Anakin into a proper Jedi. That's something he has little idea how to go about doing.
Yoda was very disapproving of his choice to train Anakin in the first place, but finally, Obi-Wan settles for going to talk to him. He's the Grandmaster, after all, and he'll know what to do about all of this.
"Troubled you are, hmm?" Yoda murmurs, as Obi-Wan sits across from him.
"It is about the Sith," he replies, "When I was fighting him, I... touched the Dark Side."
"Unbalanced you were, when harmed your master he did."
"Yes," he admits. And... It doesn't help that he feels frustratingly lost without Qui-Gon here to guide him. His master always has been there, from the moment Obi-Wan first left the creche. But now he's gone, and Obi-Wan has a padawan of his own to care for.
"Tempted by the Dark Side, all Jedi are at some time," Yoda replies, "Learn from it, we must. Train ourselves to let go of all that we fear to lose."
Obi-Wan was never aware he feared to lose anything until after... Qui-Gon. "I understand, Master." Because he does, even if it's not as simple as that. It's something he'll have to meditate on and focus on learning to do in time.
"A great service to the Order you have done, in stopping the Sith," the Grandmaster continues.
Obi-Wan nods, though his emotions are too muddled with grief and sheer stress from the situation to feel much pride at being praised by the Grandmaster, right now.
Yoda's right that at least one good thing came of this. One of the Sith is gone – one of the Sith who should not have existed in the first place.
The moment he won replays through his mind again, and – It was necessary. Even if he used the Dark Side, even if it was... that way, it had to be done.
"Now, just as important of a duty, have you," Yoda continues, "Train your padawan, you must. Teach him the way of the Jedi. Understand the Jedi way he does not, but learn it well, he must."
He wants to ask more, but something stops him – perhaps the simple fact that Yoda never approved of training Anakin in the first place. And he and all the masters are watching how well Obi-Wan's doing at it, constantly. He has to show them that he actually can, that there's a chance Anakin can fit into what the Jedi are supposed to be. Even if it's not something Obi-Wan knows he truly believes himself.
"He is very behind," Obi-Wan says. Even in his regular classes, he's come too late to learn with the rest of the younglings. Obi-Wan will have to teach him most of it on his own. "He doesn't understand even the core of Jedi beliefs."
"Afraid to lose he is, as well," Yoda replies, "But learn to let it go, he must. Unlearn what he was known before, you must teach him."
Yes, somehow.
The Jedi way is something everyone at the Temple already knows by the time they can speak. How does he teach that to someone?
**w**
"This is so wizard," Anakin calls, splashing in the water as they swim across the pool in one of the training areas.
"Wizard?" Obi-Wan repeats, dubiously. That is not what he would call a padawan learning to swim for the first time. Usually, they learn it when they're still younglings.
"We always had to ration water in Tatooine," Anakin replies, exuberantly. His enthusiasm is often... a little more than Obi-Wan knows how to handle.
Instead of replying, he offers him more instructions on how to do it, as they make their way across the pool.
It goes fine, until it doesn't.
Obi-Wan doesn't exactly see what happened, except the water has the slightest bit of current here, from a fountain, and Anakin was rushing into it the same way he does everything – it helps with how eager he usually is to learn things, but this time, it must've been a little too much, because then, he's going under the water.
"Padawan!" Obi-Wan calls, a rush of fear flooding him.
Anakin comes back to the surface a moment later, flailing and coughing – which is only worsening the situation.
Not that there's time to tell him so right now. Obi-Wan hastily swims to his side, helping him get back outside.
Anakin presses his hands against the ground, trying to catch his breath, as Obi-Wan hovers next to him, heart still pounding.
He never realized until this moment, how afraid he is of failing his padawan, of losing him entirely. It could happen so easily. He couldn't save his master – he doesn't know he's supposed to be able to save his padawan, either. It's also not until this very moment that Obi-Wan realized how much he's... come to care for Anakin. He didn't know what to think of him at first – still doesn't – but he almost lost him. He could have died. From something as ridiculously simple as normal training.
"Are you alright?" Obi-Wan asks, finally, when Anakin seems to have somewhat recollected himself.
Anakin nods, looking up at him, blue eyes bright without a hint of fear. "That – that was so wizard. Can we do that again?"
What?
"What?" Obi-Wan repeats, incredulously. His heart is still pounding from what just happened – Anakin nearly died, even if it probably never would have gone that far.
"It was fun," Anakin replies, brushing the water dripping from his hair down his face.
"You almost died." How can he possibly not be shaken up by that? Anyone other youngling who had an accident even near that level certainly would be, even if they were trying to hide it.
"I'm alright," Anakin promises, as though he has no idea just how serious this could've been.
Something about it is only irking Obi-Wan more – not that he'd have a clue how to calm down a panicking child, but he doesn't understand how Anakin's so flippant about it.
"You could have died," Obi-Wan repeats, sharply. It happens to Jedi all the time, of course, but this was... different. Especially at the Temple were they ought to be safe. It doesn't help that Obi-Wan can't stop remembering Qui-Gon's body in his arms, can't stop expecting to feel his master's hand on his shoulder, but he's gone. Like Anakin could've been, too. "We are not rushing into this again."
Anakin's expression dims slightly, at the tone. Or the words, he can't tell. "It happened all the time on Tatooine," he replies, a little more subdued.
Despite what Yoda said about Anakin needed to let go of his past, Obi-Wan already doesn't see how that would ever happen. He doesn't usually talk much about it, probably because it's already been made perfectly clear to him that he needs to learn to let it go, but sometimes, it still just comes up.
And Obi-Wan rarely has a clue how to deal with it, when it does. Like right now.
"When you raced pods?" Obi-Wan asks, instead. Because he doesn't have a clue how to approach the rest of this. Qui-Gon had mentioned it to him, when he brought back the ship's hyperdrive.
"Yeah. I got hurt all the time, but Watto had me fixed, so I could race again."
Something twists inside of him, at the words. It's just... He has no idea how to understand the things Anakin's lived through. "This isn't something that you could have fixed," he replies, "We need to continue this, but perhaps... later." He still can't shake the lingering fear of what could've happened.
"I – I can do it, Master," Anakin objects.
"Later," he repeats tersely, standing, "And when we do, you will be careful."
**w**
It's not until Obi-Wan's able to look back, decades in the future, that he can truly reflect on how much Qui-Gon's death affected him and Anakin.
If they had met differently, perhaps they wouldn't have had to so many constant communication problems between them. His initial struggle with Qui-Gon's death and the way the Order saw both of them, along with Anakin's very different past, made everything... difficult.
The constant observation from everyone, seeing him as the Sith Killer, and Anakin as the Chosen had also done little to help, because there were standards that both of them always had to meet, far higher than the other Jedi. Even if Obi-Wan certainly didn't always mind all the attention.
But truly, he doubts it would've mattered if they'd met differently. In the end, it was also Qui-Gon's death that made them so close.
It was that that had made Obi-Wan grow so attached to Anakin. Far more than he should've been as a Jedi, but in the end, it was Anakin's... caring for people that brought him back from the Dark Side, so Obi-Wan no longer knows what to think of... attachments.
He can only wonder, now, what if he had handled Mustafar differently.
But he was the Sith killer, and he'd thought he knew what he to do – like he had against Maul. What he did against Maul had been his... darkest moment – until Mustafar – and it was something he had always been worshipped for. Besides, he was certain it was his duty as a Jedi, regardless of any other feelings he may have had.
In truth, it was similar for Anakin – everyone always told him that he was to born to destroy the Sith.
Born as a weapon.
Obi-Wan never really understood what that might've meant, until now that they've spoken, after becoming Force ghosts.
Maybe he still doesn't understand how all it affected his padawan, but reflecting on the past is pointless now. He can only find peace with being one with the Force, with Anakin and Qui-Gon with him.
And speaking of his padawan –
"Anakin, what are you doing?" Obi-Wan demands, incredulously.
His once padawan turns around, grinning somehow as childishly as he had when he was nine, now in a... swimsuit. Force ghost swimsuit. Whatever.
Because Force ghosts don't really have a physical form, but they can make themselves look like whatever they want, in this world of the Force.
"Going for a swim?" he offers, cheerfully.
"You're a ghost. You can't swim."
"We can still feel," he protests.
"But you can't breathe, so I fail to see the need of having a suit at all," Obi-Wan replies, flatly.
"Why not?"
Obi-Wan huffs out a metaphorical breath. "That is not a reason. And it will not protect you from drowning. You can't breathe."
He still remembers that time Anakin nearly had drowned. Maybe, it was partly that which always drove Anakin to prove himself – so Obi-Wan wouldn't have to worry. He thinks it only had the opposite effect most of the time, though. Perhaps because they've never truly spoken the same language, and given how insane his padawan clearly is now, he still doesn't think they do.
"I know," he replies, cheerfully, "Do you want to come, Master?"
"No."
That grin he's missed seeing so much is all he gets in response before Anakin fades out. Sometimes, it still fills Obi-Wan with nearly intolerable longing, wishing they could've had this when they were alive. When Anakin was still a child.
"You were right," Obi-Wan comments, when he senses more than sees Qui-Gon materializing behind him.
"About what?" Qui-Gon asks.
"Him being the Chosen One." For a long time, in the Tatooine desert, Obi-Wan couldn't help but wonder if Qui-Gon was wrong, because it didn't make sense. He never understood how he could've failed his promise to his master so terribly.
"I told you, the Force works in ways we can never truly understand," he reminds.
Obi-Wan nods. He thinks... his once padawan's very existence defines as that. But everything of being the Chosen One and the Sith killer – something that defined both of their existences for far too long – is finally in the past.
Maybe it's what the galaxy will always remember them as (even if not just that, in Anakin's case) but it matters little what the galaxy thinks of them now, when they're gone.
At least it doesn't to him.
What does matter is that he's finally been reunited with Anakin and Qui-Gon again, and they can finally be at peace in the Force.
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