Echo Base - 4 months before Empire Strikes Back
Leia stood stiffly off to the side of the stage the Rogues had erected for Echo Base's first ever Spoken Word night. Morale had plummeted with the temperature, as Hoth had entered its winter season, and sunlight became even harder to come by. Moods were low, vitamin D counts were low, food was low. Wedge had pitched High Command on a spoken word night, and it sounded like a low-cost/high-impact way to lift spirits, even as the temperature, somehow, continued to plummet.
Not a stranger to dynamic public speaking, Leia was surprised she was fighting hyperventilation and mild nausea at the thought of performing something so intimate and intensely personal in front of a group from whom she had desperately sought to keep emotional distance. She looked out to the packed crowd, fidgeting in the perpetual frigid air, breath vapors forming a humid cloud over the frozen but crowded mess hall.
She considered whether it was prudent to show them her true self. The one Han, Chewie, Luke, the Rogues, and Rieekan occasionally saw. She had been so effective at bottling up her anger, pain, frustrations, and affections to cope with trauma and loss, that most of the rebels called her Ice Princess behind her back.
She did have them – feelings. Sometimes so powerful and encompassing she thought they might crush her. Her therapist, whom Mon Mothma still forced her to see once a month via holo, told her this was her final assignment before she could be released from mandatory therapy. At this point, she'd take on a wampa to avoid having to bare her soul, or the parts she chose to reveal, to an emotionless clinician who insisted on treating her as if her trauma and loss had a precedent.
Janson stalked up to the mic after Wedge exited to enthusiastic applause for a comedy sketch that spared absolutely no one. Wes pointed at the Rogues before beginning.
There once was a rogue named Red Three
Who wanted to guarantee,
That on .mission
He'd get to be hittin'
Luke Skywalker, but why never me?
Leia was pulled out of her reverie with the eruption of cheers and raucous belly-laughter as Janson finished his bawdy limerick about the rumored coupling of Wedge and Luke. Leia grinned when she saw Luke gently nudge Wedge with his foot as they shared a laugh.
Chewie next lumbered up to the stage with C-3P0 accompanying him to translate. Although most could not speak Shyrriwook, the wookie had a reputation for a thoughtful and lyrical way of speaking.
[A good big brother
Will set his brother cub free,
To wonder among the Wroshyr tree.
And in exploring alone,
He will find his home
Wherever Little Leader will be.]
Chewie and 3PO bowed to each other, then the audience, as loud snapping and wolf-whistles rang out. Leia was both alarmed at Chewie's poem, suspecting its meaning, and amused to see the unabashed Captain Solo blushing to the tips of his ears, glaring daggers at his best friend.
Luke jogged up to the stage, took a centering breath and began.
Shining brightly
Duality and heat
Yellow, orange, red, and brown
But never this cold, harsh, white.
I never thought I'd miss home,
I try to let the force guide me,
But Hoth brings a longing of Tatooine
In me, an impossibility.
Everyone snapped their appreciation, relieved that even the optimistic Luke was feeling down from this inhospitable hellscape.
She took a sharp intake of breath as the mercurial Captain Solo strode up to the stage wearing a dark turtleneck and his blue bloodstripes with the red piping that hugged his behind in a way that made Leia bite down hard on her bottom lip and breath sharply through her nose. Han glanced intensely at Leia, winked, and leaned into the microphone.
One step forward, three back;
Always out of my reach;
I just want to get my hands on every part of her;
But her wires get so crossed;
Small, feisty, and fast;
She teases me with her loyalty and affection;
But breaks away when I think I have her;
She denies me satisfaction and resolution;
Leia felt her face flush as a loud murmur among the crowd began to drown Han out. Was Han confessing his feelings to her for the first time in front of the entire damn base? They had moments so intense and…together, she had more than once questioned whether they might be falling for each other, which just seemed so impossible and implausible. She knew something passionate and depthless, but still unspoken, was progressing between them. Goddess knew she (and dozens of other beings) found him breathlessly sexy. But to announce it – make his move so openly? She was awash with secret joy and panic, which she covered up by rolling her eyes at him.
Han paused to glare at the audience for their inattention before glancing back at Leia. He blew her a kiss, before finishing his spoken word performance with a sarcastic smirk.
Why is my bird always broken?
Han strutted off the stage and downed his whiskey at the bar. Leia was the first to let out a relieved laugh, followed by snorts and eyerolls from Chewie and Luke. They snapped their fingers (and paws) in appreciation. Many others glanced around, not getting the joke.
"Was that about the Princess?"
"I mean, it could be about her…it fits, you know?"
"I'm pretty sure that was about his ship – he said bird."
"Bird means pretty girl, you twat!"
"It means the Falcon you nerf-face!"
Rieekan tried to get the audience's attention again while they hotly debated the subject of Solo's performance, before he began.
Being a general, they said, is hard
Beware, never let down your guard
And I took their advice,
but have since paid the price,
At least Madine holds me in high regard.
When the Princess and Solo fight,
I pray that they'll see the light,
And just finally give in,
It's not such a sin,
Why don't they kiss and make it right?
The audience cracked up and pointed at Leia and Han, who glared back, steely eyed. Why were so many performances about them? Surely whatever was going on wasn't that obvious?
Rieekan held up a finger, not yet done.
As if that weren't already sad,
The Rogues are ever more bad,
For every stupid prank
is money in the bank,
That latrine duty they will have.
Leia laughed and snapped along with the packed crowd, surprised at Rieekan's funny poem. She took a sharp intake of cold air as she felt a warm breath on her neck and a warm hand on her shoulder.
"Did you like my performance, Princess?" Han whispered from behind her.
Goosebumps appeared visibly on Leia's neck at the proximity and tickle of his breath on her. After his poem, his breath on her skin felt forbidden and romantic – her breath caught somewhere between surprise and longing.
"I did, Captain Solo. I never took you for a romantic." She titled her head back until her braids ghosted against his chest, and she made eye contact, daring him to say something revealing.
"I'm very romantic, Leia. I have a way with my words… and my hands." His whisper rumbled in that deep baritone that made her toes curl.
Leia turned so Han could see her smile suggestively at him but said nothing as her name was called. She returned the flimsy with the words she had planned to perform back into her vest.
"Break a leg, Sweetheart," Han whispered before squeezing her shoulder.
Leia took a calming breath and became the Senator. Confident, prepared, powerful.
I have waited patiently for you
Swept up in your heady aroma
Yearned to grab hold of you
Ride you with my head back and mouth open
The audience gasped at "ride you" and sat slack-mouthed in shock at Leia's erotic poem, obviously about Han Solo. After a thunderous silence fell on Spoken Word Night, the harsh whispers rose up again, and Leia paused, amused to see General Dodonna had wiped his brow anxiously. Han grinned at Leia as he elbowed Chewie, and Leia held up a finger, encouraging him to wait until the end. She cleared her throat in the mic until silence and attention returned.
But your stubbornness persists
You will serve only yourself
Your furry companion lacks not your affection
But for me, who desires to be one with you
I wait, longing for you to come back to me
After you leave me in the cold
freezing wasteland of my heart
Han…
Janson stood up and pumped a fist. "I knew it!" He shouted, interrupting Leia. "You owe me 100 credits each, motherfuckers!" He pointed at the entire Rogue Squadron, who groaned collectively.
"Language!" General Dodonna shouted, positively scandalized.
Leia paused, having decided to draw out the performance a bit longer. "What is the bet, may I ask?"
"That you and Solo are 'riding with your heads back and your mouths open,'so to speak, Highness."
"I see, and may I get in on that bet? 100 credits that we aren't?"
"I'd be happy to empty your royal coffers, General Organa. Please continue"
"Thank you, Janson, I have never wanted anything more than to receive your permission to do something on this base I co-command," Leia finished with a sarcastic salute. Janson was jeered from the crowd, while others called out their bets, waving credit chips.
"If I might be allowed to finish now…" Leia said mock-sternly as the crowd nodded in assent and fell into silence.
After you leave me in the cold,
freezing wasteland of my heart
Hana, my incorrigible taun-taun.
Leia winked at Han as Chewie guffawed and clapped Han on the back. She descended the steps to thunderous applause and enthusiastic snapping.
"Pay up, Janson! Not sleeping with Solo has never been more rewarding."
"How do I know you two aren't tricking us?"
"You can ask Chewie. Chewie, are Captain Solo and I sleeping together?"
[Not yet, sadly. Because you two are half-witted masochists.]
"He said no," Leia translated(ish).
"Well played, General." Janson sighed, handing over a pile of credit chips.
XXX
Later that Night on the Falcon
Leia entered her code to lower the Falcon's ramp, her pockets stuffed with credit chips and a smuggled bottle of whiskey under her arm.
"Chewie? Han?" She called out as she entered the circle hallway and made her way to the acceleration couch.
"Come to ride me with your head back, Worship?" Han said in her ear as he snuck up on her and took the bottle out her hands.
"I'm quite sure you are no Hana…Han," Leia teased back.
Han tossed his head back and laughed.
"C'mon Sweetheart, let's have a drink and you can tell me how much you won."
"A lot, in fact, which is why I'm here. Where's Chewie?"
"Sabacc night with Green Squadron."
"You'll have to do I suppose."
"I'm touched." Han returned sarcastically.
Leia began pulling credit chips out of her pockets and placing them on the table as Han let out a low whistle.
"As you can see, not sleeping with me is quite lucrative - there are 500 credits for you and Chewie to split."
"I'd take a vow of poverty for life to lose that bet, ya know." Han had a lascivious grin, a sarcastic one, even an angry half-smile, but this thing, where his crooked, pretty lips pouted out earnestly while he gazed at her longingly made Leia stop short and pause her task of hauling more credit chips on the table. She reminded herself to breath, composed her face, and smiled at him with an attractive blush coloring her cheeks.
"It's late, I should go," she said gently.
"Leia, wait. Stay for a drink." Han took her hand and turned it over, gently running his fingers across her knuckles.
"Han…" Leia paused. She hadn't said it sharply, it was more on a puff of air. She pleaded with her eyes.
"Not yet?" He questioned softly.
Leia shook her head.
"Never?" He prodded, not ready to walk out on this thing they felt. If he were a betting man, he'd wager they had fallen in love when neither was paying attention.
"Never say never, Flyboy," She returned kindly. She felt they were on a forever path, one she very much wanted to take with him, but not without some sort of commitment on Han's part. She couldn't put herself through being in love with Han openly if he would leave some day. It was always the thing in the way between them, and he knew it too.
"Leia, I'd stay for you, if you wanted me to. Ya know, commit for you?"
Leia sighed and squeezed his hand, which she just noticed was still in hers, before looking up at him through her lashes.
"The thing is Han, I don't want you to stay just for me, I also want you to stay for the cause. Because this fight is the right thing to do." She reached up before he could respond and gently cupped his face, tracing his scar as if to memorize it, before brushing her thumb over his lips as if in a kiss. With a regretful smile, she turned and walked out.
Han let her go without comment. She wasn't ready yet. He wasn't sure he was either.
After she was out of earshot and halfway down the ramp, Han softly said, "I'll stay. I'm all in. I have been for a long time."
Notes:
I just read Knitzkamp's "Warming" and Luke misses the color yellow while he is freezing on Hoth. It was a really lovely fic and loosely inspired the terrible poem Luke performed in this fic. So thank you for the inspiration and my apologies for channeling so poorly. All of Knitzkamp's work is stellar so please check them out!