As the days turned into months, Subaru's sense of time began to blur. The endless cycle of waking, enduring the silence, and succumbing to fitful sleep became a monotonous routine that only heightened his agony. He struggled to maintain his sanity as the isolation slowly eroded his sense of self. He started to question if he would ever be able to escape this prison or if he was doomed to languish in isolation for the rest of his days.
Subaru's hope faded daily, replaced by a growing despair. He knew that he needed to find a way to break free from the shackles of isolation before it consumed him completely. But as the darkness threatened to swallow him whole, the memory of the people he once held dear became the flickering light that kept him fighting, a beacon of hope in the endless sea of loneliness. And so, Subaru continued to cling to that hope, using it as a lifeline to pull himself back from the abyss and search for a way to reclaim his life, purpose, and freedom.
Lying on a dimly lit cell's cold, the hard floor was a forsaken Subaru Natsuki. He wasn't subjected to physical torture like the other Sin Archbishops, but instead, he was trapped in a crueler form of torment: isolation. On the surface, it may have sounded more bearable, but the loneliness gnawed at his soul relentlessly.
Subaru yearned for any form of interaction, even if it brought pain. The constant silence and solitude had become unbearable, driving him to desperation. He craved contact, a connection with another living being, regardless of whether it was positive or negative.
Over the last two months, the emptiness and isolation had taken their toll on his mental state. Subaru was forced to confront his self-loathing and despair with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company. As the days dragged on, the once-spirited young man slowly began to lose hope, his mind consumed by darkness and a growing sense of worthlessness.
The only things keeping his mind sane are those pleasant memories he had.
"No matter what happens, even when it looks like you're gonna lose, when no one else believes in you when you don't believe in yourself, I will believe!"
Subaru couldn't help but laugh bitterly at the thought of Rem and his inability to save her. Memories of her kind smile and unwavering support felt like a cruel joke in his current predicament. His heart ached with the longing to be with her and the shame of having failed her repeatedly. The desperation to escape his torment grew more substantial, and death seemed like a merciful release from his misery.
But even death was denied to him. Throughout his captivity, he had tried countless times to end his life, only to find himself resurrected and returned to the same cell. The cycle of dying and coming back was maddening, a never-ending loop of hopelessness that gnawed at his sanity.
Each failed attempt to die only served as a cruel reminder of his powerlessness, further fueling his self-hatred and despair. It seemed he was trapped in a purgatory of his own making, unable to escape or find any semblance of peace.
The faint footsteps echoed through the desolate corridor, and Subaru's mood shifted drastically. The mere possibility of human interaction sent a spark of hope through his battered spirit. Even the thought of overhearing the guards' idle banter made him feel alive again. Any form of contact, however fleeting, served as a reminder that his existence was real and tangible. Could one even be sure of their existence without any acknowledgment from others?
Subaru strained to catch snippets of the guards' conversation as the footsteps grew closer. He pressed his ear against the cold cell door, desperate not to miss a word.
"Heard that half-elf girl took down another Sin Archbishop," one guard remarked casually.
"Yeah," replied the other, a hint of grudging admiration in his voice. "Hate to say it, but she might have a shot at winning this thing."
Subaru's heart raced at the mention of the half-elf, a flicker of curiosity igniting within him. He longed to know more about the world beyond his cell, to feel connected to something greater than his misery. And though the guards' words offered little solace, they provided a reprieve from his isolation's crushing weight.
As Subaru pondered the guards' words, a heavy question began to weigh on his mind. If Emilia was achieving success without him, did he genuinely matter in the grand scheme? Had all the times he died and suffered been unnecessary? Was his existence the catalyst for the calamities that had befallen him and those around him?
These thoughts gnawed at the edges of his consciousness, undermining his self-worth and casting a shadow over his heart. Realizing that Emilia could continue her journey without him only intensified the sense of futility and despair that consumed him during his confinement.
Doubt and self-recrimination clouded his mind, leaving him to question the purpose and meaning of his own life. Was he destined to be a mere bystander, powerless to affect the world around him? Or was there still a chance for him to forge a path that would allow him to contribute meaningfully to the fight against darkness and injustice?
The answers to these questions remained frustratingly elusive, leaving Subaru trapped in a torturous cycle of hope and despair as he languished in his lonely cell.
Subaru's relentless desire to understand his existence and purpose, as well as to know whether Emilia's life would truly be better without him, enveloped his thoughts like an impenetrable fog. As he grappled with these doubts, he couldn't help but wonder if there was any real point to his continued existence.
Subaru pondered the possibility that there might be ways to end his suffering without resorting to death. His heart ached for answers, yearning to uncover whether everyone had genuinely forgotten him or if his selfishness merely wished for that outcome.
The need to know the truth drove him to the brink of obsession as he scrutinized every memory and interaction in search of any clue that could give him the answers he desperately sought. His mind raced with endless questions and scenarios, only heightening his sense of isolation and despair.
As the days passed and the darkness of his cell seemed to close around him, Subaru's desperation grew, his soul crying out for some semblance of understanding or a shred of hope to cling to. But the answers remained agonizingly out of reach, leaving him to grapple with the crushing weight of uncertainty and the haunting question of whether his existence had any true meaning.
As another day dawned, Subaru's overwhelming desire finally manifested into something tangible. His Greed witch factor, sensing his desperation, allowed him to see visions of both the past and the future. These glimpses were not absolute, akin to Echidna's trial system, but they gave him the insight he craved so desperately.
With this newfound power, Subaru could view past events from any perspective, allowing him to examine moments long since passed, searching for hidden truths that might bring him a sense of understanding. At the same time, he could also peer into potential futures, exploring various possibilities and outcomes that lay ahead.
This gift was both a blessing and a curse, as the visions could be overwhelming and disorienting, but it also offered him a chance to seek the answers he so desperately needed. With each vision, he delved deeper into the complex tapestry of his life, hoping to find some semblance of meaning or purpose in the events he had experienced and the choices he had made.
Subaru realized the truth he sought could not be easily grasped or understood as he sifted through countless memories and possibilities. It was a constantly shifting, ever-changing kaleidoscope of emotions, actions, and consequences that defied simple explanations. But he remained determined to find clarity, driven by the unwavering belief that his existence had to hold some significance and that understanding the past and the future would finally provide him with the answers that had eluded him for so long.
Subaru delved into Emilia's future, where he saw her become Queen and live a happy life. However, he noticed something odd - none of the simulations he ran for her ever addressed her primary goal: reversing the effects of Elior Forest being frozen. It was as if the very purpose she had been striving for simply vanished.
Curious, Subaru ran a past simulation of events before his name had been devoured, and he saw a platinum-haired girl who had never been present before. Intrigued, he ran another simulation on Emilia's past and discovered the girl's name was Pandora.
With this newfound information, Subaru's authority gave him a more accurate glimpse into the future. What he saw, however, filled him with regret. Emilia was responsible for the world's demise, all because she opened a single key. Yet, somehow, he was the catalyst - even though he wasn't physically present. How is that possible?
Desperate for answers, Subaru ran countless simulations on himself, searching for a solution. Time and time again, he was met with despair as he considered various ways to prove his innocence. In one scenario, even Reinhard's involvement ended the world. The simulations where Subaru reunited with his loved ones also ended in catastrophe.
Finally, he ran a simulation in which he never returned to anyone he cared for, and a new path emerged. This path involved leaving his current life behind and never looking back - starting anew. But how could such a choice prevent the world from ending? The authority couldn't provide an answer, but at least Subaru had a direction in which to start.
This works like Echidna's trials— I'll call it True Sense.
The ability allowed him to view events of the past and predictions for the future not only on himself but anyone he felt a connection with. He started with Emilia viewing the past two months since he's been forgotten. His body began to feel numb as he processed everything he had witnessed.
What? How is AI there? Did I get replaced by him? Is that even how Gluttony works? My name was eaten. How does that cause AI to be Emilia's knight? How is Beatrice Emilia's spirit? None of this makes sense…
But she's alright, and it seems like AI has a similar power to mine, so she's alright. Beatrice has a good person to contact her, and everyone in the camp is getting along. But still, how did this happen? Will I remain in this cell for the rest of my life? I've tried dying so many times I lost count but what now?
"How saddening to see you like this. You miss your love, don't you?"
Subaru turned in the direction of the mocking voice to see a platinum-haired girl with a grin on her face, "Who are you? Are you the one who did this?"
"How kind of you to ask my name is Pandora." She replied gently but unsettledly, "I am the one who did this. But you developed, so I'll ask you directly."
"What?" Subaru asked in confusion and anger as she spoke in such a mellow dramatic way, almost taunting him indirectly.
Pandora pulled out her right hand, "You can gain everything back. I will return things to normal, and all you have to do is tell Emilia to open the seal in Elior Forest,"
Subaru felt a chill go down his spine as his memories began to change. He quickly mumbled, "I can return by death."
When he said that sentence, a shadow grasped his heart, breaking it as he opened his eyes, unsure of when Pandora would return. He had no way to tell what time it was or any sense of direction at all, as only when she arrived was light visible. He used True Sense again to look at his own future, trying to find a possibility of him surviving or breaking what Pandora did.
As he ran the simulations, he found no one that led to him reversing what Pandora did. Even in a timeline where she died, the effects still remain. The only way to undo it would be if she agreed.
"How saddening to see you like this. You miss your love, don't you?"
Subaru stared in annoyance, "What is in that seal?"
"It seems you already know." She smiled, "Tell Emilia to open the seal in Elior Forest."
Subaru prepared for the pain, "I can return by—death."
His eyes opened as the pain of his heart being crushed was nothing compared to what he was facing. Subaru had no option or choice. She would continue to come, and nothing he could do to stop it. He used True Sense again, trying to find an outcome that worked. Subaru found not a single outcome in which things return to normal. He then tried to find a solution without that anything to avoid this endless cycle he was about to be stuck in. The power of the authority began to take its toll as Subaru felt like needles were digging into his brain, but he was able to find something.
Subaru pleaded, "Satella, take me to Kararagi."
Subaru found himself free from shackles and bathed in sunlight. The sun's warmth on his skin felt more invigorating than anything he could remember. The sight of the vibrant clouds above filled him with a sense of awe he had nearly forgotten. More than anything, he longed to find someone to talk to – the idea of conversation was something he craved deeply.
"What the hell?"
Subaru spun around to see a wolf-man-like figure staring at him in confusion. The mere sound of someone else's voice made him smile for the first time in countless days. He had lost track of time while locked away in the oppressive silence of his cell, but now, he finally had the chance to connect with another being. His thoughts of what he witnessed being temporality stopped by the encounter.
Subaru smiled, "My name is Subaru Natsuki— it's good to meet you?"
"My name is Halibel." He replied after being confused and threatened by seeing someone pop up from nowhere, but his ability to sense his intent having no malice was enough to allow the raven-haired boy to live.
"I need your help— I can't do this." he finished mumbling his words as he questioned his purpose or the point of starting in a new world. His authority acted independently, using True Sense to show Halibel the timeline that Subaru couldn't handle.
Halibel trained himself to be calm and collected, but this was too much even for him. He took a puff from his kiseru. Before he could speak, Subaru collapsed to the ground both from overuse of his authority and shock.
His eyes opened immediately, sitting up in shock. True Sense showed him so many timelines he could barely understand what was happening. He looked around, seeing he was in a small wooden house on a soft cushioned pad.
"Is this real?" He asked, now staring at the wolf-man.
Halibel nodded, unsure of what he had witnessed. He asked, "Ya needa calm down. Is what I saw the future?"
"You saw it?" Subaru asked, almost relieved as he didn't know which version he was in.
Halibel sensed a mix of despair, confusion, and loneliness. He wasn't sure if Subaru knew what he saw, so he confirmed, "You can return by death?"
"How… can you know?" Subaru felt relieved telling Echidna he could return by death, but now he was being told it.
"I saw it." Halibel admitted, "Whatever power that was, let me see your past and a version of the future."
Subaru thought about the idea of a stranger seeing everything. All his failures and everything he did wrong, but how he spoke calmly about it gave him a sense of relief. He wasn't sure how to respond as he didn't want to freak out as he did before the last time he could tell someone about return by death. He didn't even know how he could.
Halibel saw him lost in thought, "Ya needa relax. If that's your life here, you got the strongest mental fortitude I've ever seen."
"I didn't do anything right. It's all gone. They're all gone." Subaru mumbled.
Halibel took out some herbs he used for his sickness. They had a calming effect on the mind, and he needed Subaru to reach that first, "This will help calm your mind, then I'm going to teach you mediation."
Subaru saw the pipe being handed to him and hesitated momentarily before realizing he drank body fluid from a witch. He took the pipe, inhaled the herbs, and felt a sense of calmness reach his mind. He expected it to alter his mind, but he felt his thoughts were becoming tamer instead. The amount of fear, anxiety, and stress decreased enough to allow him to think, but not too much it removed it either.
Subaru spoke after a few minutes of silence, "So what we're you going to teach me?"
"Mediation." Halibel said as he directed Subaru to copy the way he was sitting, "Calm ya mind and think of nothing. Let your mind relax from the stress of thinking. If you can't at first, that's fine instead, hum or make some repetitive noise that stops you from thinkin' too much. We gon do this for fifteen minutes, alright?"
Subaru nodded, "Alright, I can try."
He closed his eyes immediately. He began to think as he tried to stop thinking. He thought about how he was trying to stop thinking. The process was harder than it sounded, so he began to hum, which worked well as his thoughts stopped, and nothing but the noise of his humming in his mind could register.
"It's been thirty minutes. Not bad." Halibel commented as he saw Subaru open his eyes.
Subaru felt a sense of natural calmness, something he had never had, "I wish someone had taught me this before. Thank you."
"We got time, so we gon do this and chat till ya able to think calmly. Consider this training your mind. No point in going out and doin' what the future entails if ya can't think straight." Halibel said, beginning to wonder if Subaru even remembered everything he saw. He could confirm one of the events himself because he was tasked with stopping it.
"But I don't want to live that future," Subaru admitted, not only because he'd never see Emilia again, but he wouldn't have the feeling of love he used to.
Halibel read Subaru well and agreed with him differently, "If ya drop a rock in water, the water ripples and changes when I said what the future entails that ain't fate since ya already defying fate. But some things ya gotta accept and move on or else ya just going to live for nothing."
Subaru closed his eyes as he thought about what he meant. He couldn't accept it now, but deep down, he knew he would have to. He thought about how he was first brought into this world and kept the things that made him who he was. The things he hated about himself or, rather, his self-hatred. If he could get a second try and now had ways to cope, he wanted a new start to his surroundings and his mind.
Rewrite the complete version of 'What I've Done,' which I wrote as a test of the concept, but now I'll be pacing it better.
Also, what better way to heal Subaru than mediation and being able to talk about RBD?