AN: Another entry for the May HS challenge. This one doesn't change the episode per say, but is an addition to the ending of the episode. Perhaps if Elizabeth had taken more time to sit and reflect she would have made better choices.
Getting Little Jack down this evening had proven a little difficult. Usually, she could sing him a lullaby or read him a story and even if his eyes were only beginning to droop she could leave the room. Tonight, he son would start to drift off to sleep and as soon as she moved from his crib he would start crying. The tears ended as soon as she was back by his side. She had ended up sitting next to his crib for a long time before sleep finally won.
Tired as she was though, Elizabeth knew she would not be able to fall asleep. Instead, she changed into her nightgown, slipped her feet into her slippers, donned her robe and headed down to her desk. Knowing the only way to clear her mind was to write in her journal, Elizabeth began to write out her trip to Union City.
Finishing the description of the evening, Elizabeth paused in her journaling. She didn't feel the clarity she usually did after journaling. Looking over what she wrote, she noted that though she had described the outing, mentioning the picnic, the reading and the meal at the Yorkton, she had not described the embarrassing moment at check in or the conversation with Lucas. In fact, her journal entry said very little about Lucas.
Elizabeth sighed, placing her elbow on her desk and resting her chin in her hand. As wonderful as the evening had been, it had also left her troubled. Had she gone for the right reasons? Had she used Lucas and in so doing hurt others?
Her eyes fell on a single apple resting on the corner of her desk and a smile came to her lips. Such a simple gesture and yet it had brought her such joy. Conversation with Nathan was always easy. She was never left with the feeling that he expected something from her. She truly believed that the flowers and the apple were simply done out of the desire to bring a smile to her face.
Lifting her chin from her hand, Elizabeth dipped her pen in the ink and returned to her writing.
Despite agreeing to attend the reading just as friends, I do not believe "as friends" is how Lucas intended the tickets or the evening. The picnic was definitely meant to be romantic. He admitted to not liking Virginia Wolf which meant the reading was simply because he thought I would enjoy it. If it was just the idea of doing something nice for me that would be one thing but I got the impression that Lucas was trying to impress me. The night out definitely reminded me of my life in Hamilton. As he brought that up, I know it was on Lucas' mind as well. I think he was trying to show me that he could offer me things that others, namely Nathan, couldn't. That I could have the finer things that I had in Hamilton, but though there are times I miss it, I would not go back to that life. If I had wanted to, I would have done so already. My parents certainly wanted me to when I first came out here. I could have accepted Charles' proposal. I could have gone home after Jack's death. However, Hope Valley has become my home. I love the people here and the simplicity of things. When I mentioned not seeing myself raising Little Jack anywhere other than Hope Valley, Lucas looked disappointed. Then there was the incident at check in. Lucas made a point of telling the clerk it was a suite for me and a single room for himself. If he had those reservations previous, the clerk should have had those details. I can't help but wonder if Lucas was modifying a previous reservation.
The whole thing leaves me uneasy. The clerk assumed we were married. How many others in the city assumed the same thing? How do my friends and neighbors feel about the outing. A single woman traveling with a single man and checking into a hotel is not considered proper in polite society. I know my parents would not have approved. If I were back in Hamilton, they would have insisted on a chaperone.
Did I let my desire to hear Virginia Wolf speak override my better judgement? Was I simply using Lucas to get something I wanted? Julie might find it entertainment to toy with young men's hearts but I don't. I don't want to hurt Lucas.
Looking up from the page here eyes fell on the apple. She remembered the look on Nathan's face when she had met him and Allie earlier in the afternoon. There was no doubt in her mind that she had hurt him.
She returned to writing.
Nor do I want to hurt Nathan and yet I think I have. He looked so forlorn this afternoon when we crossed paths. He barely greeted me. It was a stark contrast to the smile and carefree actions of Friday morning when he gifted me the apple and informed me that he was going out of town.
While I know that all I want from Lucas is friendship, with Nathan I cannot say the same thing. Yes, I value his friendship. I enjoy the brief conversations we have. I adore Allie in a way that goes beyond just the affection of a teacher for a student. I appreciate the small moments of attention that he gives Little Jack. Perhaps that was what bothered me the most this afternoon - Nathan didn't interact with Jack as he always does. I can't believe it was done out of malice but perhaps Nathan was trying to protect his own heart. Is it possible that his feelings for Jack parallel my feelings for Allie? Did he see my outing with Lucas as a choice on my part? Is it possible that Nathan does not see himself as a part of my life if I am with Lucas?
That thought scares me. In the year that Nathan and Allie have been in Hope Valley, they have become a constant in my life. I know if I lost either of them it would leave a hole in my life. Every time that work takes him out of town, whether for a few hours or a long trip like this last one to Cape Fullerton, I fear that he might not come back. It isn't a fear I experience when others go out of town. Lee leaves for business from time to time, as does Bill. Jesse and Clara just went on their honeymoon. Yes, I prayed for their safety while traveling but I never feared that they might not come back. I have never feared that way when Lucas has left town, not even when no one knows where he might have gone.
Is it because Nathan is a Mountie or is there more to it?
Sighing, Elizabeth set her pen aside. Reaching into the desk drawer to her right, she removed the letter Jack had left with Abigail for her. Like she had so many times before, she reread those words, hearing Jack's voice in her head.
I need you to promise me one thing, Elizabeth - you will open your heart to love gain.
It was Jack's last request of her but Elizabeth knew that in the way her late husband meant, she had not been able to do so. Yes, she loved her friends and family. Little Jack was the love of her life - her part of Jack. Yet, that wasn't the love that he had meant when he wrote those words. He had wanted her to take the risk that Clara had with Jesse, and find someone special to share her life with.
Looking up from the words in black and white, the color of the apple seemed even more vibrant. Red was known as the color for love. To most, it was just a piece of fruit, but to her it was so much more. It was a simple gift from Nathan to bring a smile to her face, even if only for a few moments.
Picking up the apple, she pressed the letter she held in her other hand over her heart and then lifted the apple to that hand.
Open her heart to love again? Did she have the courage and the strength to do so? She had told Rosemary that she hadn't wanted things to become real when it came to Nathan and Lucas. Well, this trip had made the situation become real. There was no longer any doubt that both men had feelings for her.
Looking down at the apple, Elizabeth knew whom she had feelings beyond friendship for.
Lowering her hands, Elizabeth placed the letter on the desk, and placed the apple on top of it. Picking up the pen, she finished her journal entry.
Jack wanted me to open my heart to love again. I want to fulfill that promise he wanted from me but I also want to do so only with a man that Jack would approve of. A man that he would want raising our son. Both Bill and Nathan's reaction to Lucas is a good indicator to me what Jack would think of Lucas. Even I have to admit that a lot of Lucas' actions remind me of Billy Hamilton. Nor does Lucas pay much attention to Little Jack. I think it would be naive to assume that would change with time.
With Nathan, I know that he sees me for whom I am - a widow and a mother. Lucas I fear only sees a pretty face or perhaps a challenge.
Nathan asked me once what was in my heart and I couldn't give him an answer. The reason that I couldn't give him an answer was because the answer was him. I just don't know that I have the courage to embrace that.
After seeing the look in his eyes this afternoon, part of me fears that it might be too late to even try.
Elizabeth sighed as she put down the pen. The truth was there in front of her now in black and white - she loved Nathan Grant. Like she had told Jack once before though, she wasn't sure she was brave enough to love a Mountie - again.