Ch.4 I know an old man who swallowed a pie.

Authors note: the bubble on a pizza is the best part.

The forest was dark, like, accidentally step on your pet's tail in the middle of the night, kind of dark. Except, Arthur was pretty sure there were fanged bears lurking so he didn't really stick around to apologize or anything.

He kept going, the light getting brighter from his and his Grandpa's cabin up the hill, making him run even faster.

Maybe his grandpa would ground him- telling him he shouldn't have let himself get kidnapped. Probably give him a few lessons on toughening up or something. That's the kind've guy he always knew him as, someone that expected the unexpected. With all the supplies he kept around, he might as well have built an underground escape tunnel built directly into the house.

Arthur wouldn't have minded though, he didn't like the feeling of just laying there. Helpless, not being able to kick their butts and get away without the help of that Golden Guard guy. He was just some kid that was about to get axed because the emperor didn't like that he was making a couple of ice cubes without a tattoo.

He normally would've had more time to get a sigil, being only fourteen. That's usually what school kids got, but pretty much anyone with his last name, Barns, had a huge target painted on their back.

Closer now, being able to look through the window, Arthur could see what that target had done to his grandpa. Gnarly scars wrapped around his huge wrists and thick neck from being cuffed and chased by the Emperors guards, highly visible as he paced around looking troubled.

See that really showed how crummy a guy the emperor was. Here he was, with all the power in the realms to help out folks like his grandpa and instead he labels them a 'Threat to society and progress' because they didn't want to be branded like some animal that a jerk wanted everyone to know was his.

Arthur felt a mild heat build up in his chest, what did they ever do to him. They were just lowly carpenters in his eyes anyway, so what was the big deal?

Well- at least his grandpa was. He was the one that was always causing trouble, even causing the recent fiasco- Though it was the guards fault for making fun of his grandpa while he was in earshot, calling him a raging lunatic saying he saw him doing spells naked by the lake or something. What did he think was going to happen?

He sighed and gave a quick knock while rubbing the back of his neck, not really knowing what he was going to say.

The door slowly opened a crack, a droopy eye peeking through, it widened and Arthur sheepishly waved.

The sound of locks being fumbled with were apparent, the excitement slowly wearing off as one lock turned into ten.

After the last one, an old man made up of mostly forearms and hair stepped out with his mouth ajar. Arthur could've sworn he saw a tear forming but it was quickly wiped away with a pat of his white beard.

"Uh….I'm bac- OOF."

Arthur was lifted what felt like sixty feet in the air, his lungs expanding before being completely crushed. He didn't fight it, this guy had been hugging for what- a hundred years? There was no way to get out anyway.

"Oh I just knew you'd be alive- Got my moxy you do! A couple of snail stealers won't get the best of us.."

"Grand-"

Crack.

Now the next syllable that came out was supposed to be ,'Pah' but due to the immense weight came out more like-

"Poo…..bah"

Mr. Burns paid no heed to his grandchild's attempts at getting his attention, "I searched for you for days! Even got my own boat….managed to catch a few fish of course, didn't eat 'em though, food and bein' nervous doesn't mix well you know."

"Oh thanks-" Arthur mumbled into his chest.

"WE WILL EAT WELL TONIGHT!"

Mr. Burns promptly walked inside and shut the door loudly.

—-

The one thing Mr. Burns forgot about was that neither of them were very good at cooking.

They usually had little bars mixed with grains and fruit called nutrition bars on hand, or smoked a bunch of meat and sometimes had the occasional wild onion.

So instead of the feast that Mr. Burns had been planning on, they ended up making a shared favorite.

Sun apple pie.

"What is the most magical fruit of them all?" Mr. Burns asked cheerfully.

"Beans?" Arthur replied.

Mr. Burns raised a bushy brow unimpressed but continued on, showcasing the fruit he'd hidden behind him, "No- Sun apples, The sourest of the batch!"

Arthurs mouth was already watering, "No way."

Mr. Burns nodded, throwing an apple his way, "Get peeling, we don't have all night."

The two worked happily with Mr. Burns proudly singing "Sun apples mash em' stick em in a pie-' , and Arthur occasionally nibbling on one of the peels and making a face after. It was sour, but he loved it.

Staring at one of the peels, something tugged in Arthurs head.

"Hey, isn't there like- a thing where you throw the peel over your shoulder and get married?" Arthur asked.

Mr Burns nodded, "Oh yes- that old tale, throw it behind you, close your eyes and see the first letter of your true love's name. Trying to get a peek into the future I see?"

Arthur blushed and shook his head, "No- I just remembered it."

"No dating until you're as tall as me."

Which was a ridiculous expectation and he knew it. Arthur mostly took after his father who turned out pretty scrawny. He only had one photo of him and it was just him getting carried bridal style by his mom.

Mr Burns handed him a peel and winked, "But- Might as well huh?"

Arthur shut his eyes tight and tossed it behind him. He really hoped he didn't end up getting a B, the only one he knew was Barcus, the dog kid that lived a couple miles from them.

Kissing dog tongue would be gross.

He heard a roar of laughter from his grandpa and whirled around to see.

It was a frowny face.

A loud clap echoed on Arthurs back as Mr Burns continued reveling in his pain, "Either you get with someone grumpy or you're just plain out of luck!"

Arthur frowned back.

He hoped the apple peel on the floor browned faster.