It was a beautiful day in Japan. The sun was shining, the grass was a vibrant shade of green, and the local cats were going about their daily business.
In other words, it was a perfect day to do some golfing.
And so, a pair of women found themselves standing at the start of a good ol' fashioned 18 hole course.
One of them, wearing a green visor, a skirt of the same color, and a pink polo shirt, was teed up, demonstrating the proper way to use a club. As she wound back, her short pink hair flounced about her shoulders.
"...so after you bring your club up, you twist your hips, and swing一"
crack!
Kasen Ibaraki hit the golf ball with her driver, sending it flying down the fairway.
"-and then you let the next person go."
Adjusting her visor, in order to make sure her horns weren't showing, she steps away, allowing the other woman to walk up.
Her companion was dressed in a blue vest over a white polo shirt, and a pair of khaki pants. A blue golf beret finished off the look, although it was patterned with tiny peach graphics, giving it that classic celestial feel.
Tenshi Hinanawi strutted up to the plate, taking the golf club with the swagger of a thousand gods.
"Alright! Let's get this show on the road!" she said, teeing up.
"You remember the proper form, right?" Kasen asked.
She received a flat stare in return.
"You showed it to me literally 30 seconds ago." Tenshi pointed out, shifting herself into an exact replica of Kasen's stance, "Now, let me show you how to hit a ball!"
The celestial winds back.
"Die!"
CRACK!
Critical hit! The moment Tenshi's club connects with the golf ball, it's gone. The tiny pitted sphere is sent blasting through the air- further than Kasen's shot, further than the hole, further than the golf course itself.
In the distance, a window is smashed open by the flaming insides of a hypersonic golf ball, set alight by the sheer air friction. The rest of the windows on the building shatter from the sonic boom. Slightly closer, trees are set ablaze for the briefest of moments, before being put out by the massive gust of wind that follows.
Kasen adopts an incredibly encumbered expression, shoulders sagging.
"Tenshi."
"What? I hit the ball, just like you said!"
The hermit covers her face with a hand, but a faint glow draws her attention.
"Tenshi, did you enchant the golf club?"
Tenshi blinked. "Of course? How else would it survive my full power?"
"This is supposed to be a precision sport, not a strength one. Don't hit the ball with all of your might."
"Why are we using clubs then?" Tenshi retorted, grinning, "Like, here- look at this."
She fishes out another golf ball from her pockets. Holding it loosely in her palm, she judges the distance to the hole. Then, in a casual motion一
Fwoosh
一she lobs the ball underhandedly. The gust of wind from the sheer power behind the movement sends her hair fluttering in the wind.
The golf ball sails through the sky, becoming a white dot flying down the field. It's hard to tell from this range, but it lands directly in the hole.
Tenshi gestures down at the green. "Why can't we just do that?"
"I- You see."
Kasen groans at Tenshi's smug look.
"Okay, humans can't throw that far. Or accurately. That's why they use the clubs."
Tenshi nods. "Sure, I can buy that. Why are there like- ten clubs in a set though?
"Because-"
"Yeah, yeah, the driver is for long range, the putter is for when you land on the green, and the wedge is for when you land in rough territory. Different clubs for different situations and all that. That said, why are there…"
Looking back at the golf bag, she did a swift headcount of the various clubs.
"...Why are there nine separate irons? What the fuck?"
Kasen placed a hand on her hip. "You don't need to use all nine. Most golfers only use the one or two that they're the most comfortable with. "
"And how do you figure out which one you're the most comfortable with?" Tenshi scoffed. "You have to get all of them and then practice with each one."
The celestial flipped her hair. "If you ask me, it sort of seems like a huge skill issue. Use, like, the iron with the longest range, and if you need to go a shorter distance, just hit the ball less hard. It's uncanny how easy it is."
Kasen sighed, before going to collect the rest of the clubs. "Just… get in the cart."
The next minute or so consisted of blessed silence, broken only by the engine of the tiny-ass golf cart and Tenshi's palpable aura of smugness.
Unfortunately, right as the two pulled up to the spot, Tenshi started talking again.
"Honestly, if the rules allowed for us to just throw the ball, then we'd need a lot less clubs. Even ignoring my exemplary lobbing skills, most humans would probably be able to skip out on the wedge, the putter, and maybe even some of the irons. "
As Kasen goes to tee up again, Tenshi's face scrunches up in thought.
"...Actually, from what you've told me, people on the outside like to overcharge for shit. How much does one full set of clubs cost? Like 40 thousand yen or something?"
Kasen freezes.
"...70 thousand."
Tenshi explodes with laughter. Although at first Kasen continues to try and line up a good shot, she gives up somewhere around the minute mark of consecutive 'ha's. Eventually, she manages to get herself under control enough to speak again.
"Holy shit." A smile is plastered onto her face. Then, her eyes widen, as another connection is made.
"Wait. Wait wait wait. Kasen. Kasen- did-"
Even interrupted by additional giggles, Tenshi was dead set on asking her next question.
"Kasen. Didn't you also have to pay just to get us on the course?"
The hermit was already blushing from Tenshi's previous observations, but this one made her entire face light up as red as a ground cherry blossom.
"...Yes."
It's a very near thing, but Tenshi managed to control her sky-high amusement long enough to continue the 'discussion'.
"What the fuck? So you gotta pay for a set of clubs that you only use like a third of, you gotta pay for the balls, you gotta pay to rent this shitty ass golf cart, and you gotta pay to even get on the course?"
Tenshi sashayed over to her golfing partner, clapping her on the back.
"Damn, Kasen, this is a rich woman's sport! I didn't know you were loaded!"
Kasen groaned, as Tenshi continued to blaspheme the venerable sport of golf.
"Honestly at this point we should just open up a golf course in Heaven. There's plenty of space up there to fit 18 holes. Plus, it's so expensive that it might be up to the arbitrary standards of fanciness the ol' fuddy duddies have."
Seeing a way out of this, Kasen interjected on the celestial's musing. "You just want the opportunity to rain golf balls down on Gensokyo don't you.
"Well, yeah, obviously." She said, without a hint of shame, "But I could also take Shion golfing! I think she'd look cute in an outfit like yours."
Kasen thought about the consequences that would emerge from allowing Shion within a meter of a 9 iron, and shuddered.
Then, something else the celestial said registered, and her brows furrowed.
"What do you mean there's 'a ton of space up there'? Isn't Heaven full?"
"Pssh," Tenshi waved her off, " That's just what they tell people so that hermits stop trying to camp out up there to avoid the shinigami. Like, the outskirts of Heaven are a complete no-woman's land."
Tenshi stopped, remembering who she was talking to.
"Pretend I didn't say that."
Kasen deflated.
"Uhh. Subject change!" Clearly, Tenshi had all the grace of a shrine maiden in a danmaku fight,"So, is it a legal move to re-shape the ground around the hole so that the ball goes straight in? Or is that considered a form of cheating in some sort of Golf Manual that you have to pay to read?"
"That's vandalism." Kasen sighed out. "You would be put in jail."
"Pfft. Like any cell could hold me."
Tenshi thought for a moment.
"Now that I think about it, I've never been to an outside world prison before. Might be a fun way to kill a month or two, actually."
"...This club, by itself, probably cost me around 6 thousand yen." Kasen spoke carefully, fondly regarding the iron she had planned to use. "And yet, compared to the value I'd get from bashing your face in with it, it'd be a steal."
Tenshi's eyes widened, and she backed up towards the golf cart.
Kasen approached her, menacingly.