Chapter 14: Rubik cubes and Hogsmeade Visits
Notes:
Happy New Year friends!!
THANK YOU for the lovely comments you've been leaving, they give me so much joy 3
TWs for this chapter
Smoking
Underage drinking
That is it! This chapter is light and fluffy and fun :D
Enjoy!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
James keeps his word and shows up to the roof on Monday night. Regulus doesn't try to kill him again. They sit, and Regulus smokes. James works on the Rubik's cube. They don't talk much that first day, like they need to let it simmer. James can sense Regulus doesn't trust him yet, which is fine. James can be patient. He will earn it. Something in his gut tells him that Regulus is worth it, if only James can take the time to wiggle through the tiny cracks in his walls.
Tuesday night is better. James asks Regulus about brooms while he works on the Rubik's cube—he's getting better at it, faster—and they spend almost two hours discussing brands, and models, and specifications. It's the longest conversation James and Regulus have ever had. Regulus does insult James, or more specifically, his choice of brand. But James doesn't mind, because Regulus' voice has less bite.
A week passes, and they meet on the roof almost every night. Saturday, they agree to skip, because their friends would catch on if they disappeared without trace. It's Regulus' idea, and James agrees immediately. Sunday, they meet again. And Monday. And Tuesday.
They talk about Quidditch plays and tactics. About muggle TV (where Regulus explains electricity to James, who realises he's seen it working but never really got how they managed it). Regulus tells James about cars, which James find fascinating. He immediately announces that he'll get himself one as soon as he graduates. James tells Regulus about his father's lab, because he knows Regulus likes potions and James' father made a ton of money with an innovative beauty potions brand. They talk about school gossip, because James is friends with Mary MacDonald so he knows it all. Regulus is shocked to learn that the Arithmancy professor is rumoured to be having an affair with the Alchemy one, even though everyone suspects she's in love with the Muggle Music part-time teacher.
By the second Wednesday, James solves the Rubik's cube almost without looking at it and Regulus comments on the fact that he's mastered it. He says it in a way that leaves it ambiguous enough that James can't tell whether he's being complimented or insulted, but he likes it nontheless. James puts it down between them, and they don't say anything for a while. He realises that it served as a sort of buffer, because if James was busy solving it while they talked, then there was no room for anything else. But now that there's no point to him fiddling with it anymore, well. It feels a little different, but in a good way.
Thursday night James sits closer to Regulus than before. The other boy doesn't acknowledge it, but he also doesn't move away. James counts it as a win. It's a heavily overcast night, and the wind is turning chilly. Mid-October starts to get cold this far up North, and sitting on a roof isn't the cosiest of places.
"What happens when it's too cold to sit here?" James asks. Regulus is lighting a cigarette, one of the last in his pack. James has already planned to sneak out to Hogsmeade tomorrow to get more for him.
Regulus cuts him a sideways glance, then exhales the smoke. "Have you forgotten you're a wizard?"
James scoffs. "Oh, come on Regulus. Warming charms work only for a little while and they're hardly pleasant."
Regulus shrugs. Takes a drag off his cigarette. James watches him, the way the burning tip reflects in his eyes, or the elegant curve of his fingers as they hold it. Regulus is the most beautiful person James has ever seen, and he still can't believe he gets to spend time with him. Alone. Away from the rest of the world.
"I'll come up with something," James says. "Find somewhere else to go."
Regulus looks at him, a deep scowl furrowing his brow. James wants to ease it. The urge to press the pad of his finger against the spot between his eyebrows has never gone away. At this point, James thinks it never will.
"What?" James asks, shrugging. "When this roof is full of snow it'll be a death trap. I've had enough nightmares about falling to my death to last me until my sixties. Thank you."
The corner of Regulus' lips twitches, and it hits James like a wrecking ball. His lungs constrict, and his gut tightens. Was that…? Did he almost manage to make him smile?
"Whatever," Regulus says, then he leans back on the tiles to look up at the sky. It's dark. No stars lighting the night.
James watches him. He does it a lot. He knows Regulus notices, but this is another thing they simply don't acknowledge. And James tells himself it's okay. It's fine. He doesn't need to know if Regulus thinks of him that way. In fact, James knows it's most likely that he doesn't. Right? Except there are moments. And James is hanging on to those moments like they're a lifeline.
"Do you like music?" James asks Regulus, reclining back to mirror the other boy's position.
Regulus turns his head to look at him, an alarmed expression on his face. "What kind of monster doesn't like music?"
James smiles. "Alright, fair." He puts his hands behind his head, tries to relax, which is difficult when you're sharing a roof with the boy that haunts your dreams. "Any favourites?"
"Do you know any muggle music?" Regulus asks.
"Yeah," James says. "Remus loves Bowie. Sirius is obsessed with Queen and The Clash. Pete likes a bit of everything."
Regulus doesn't react to his brother's name and James can't tell if this is a good or a bad thing. He doesn't get to ask, though, because Regulus fixes his green eyes on his hazel ones and says, "And you? What do you like?"
James beams at the sky and shamelessly says, "ABBA."
And for some reason, this is the thing that makes Regulus laugh. It's only a surprised chortle at first, like Regulus was caught unawares and it just escaped without his permission. James sits up so quickly he slides a few inches down the tiles but he doesn't care, can't care, because he stares at Regulus and then the other boy is losing his battle with himself and starts giggling.
Regulus is laughing.
It's soft, and quiet. His shoulders are shaking, and he's hunched over like he wants to hide it, but James can see the corners of his mouth twisted upwards.
He can hear it.
It's like everything else Regulus does. Elegant. Graceful. Regulus' laugh is musical and James wants to die from how lovely he is.
James wants Regulus to never stop laughing.
It doesn't matter that Regulus is laughing at him. All that James cares about is that it's happening, and he made it happen, and he feels invincible right now.
"Oi!" he says with more flair than necessary. "Dancing Queen is the greatest song of all time, alright? I will not accept any ABBA slander."
Regulus makes a choked sound, like he's trying to stop giggling but he can't help it. James' chest is full. Full of joy. Full of pride. Full of want. Full of things he can't name.
"Dancing Queen?" Regulus says, looking up through his lashes. There's a tear in the corner of his eye and James' mouth falls open. He just. He's too lovely. He's perfect, and he's here with James, and he's smiling.
"Young and sweet, only seventeen," he says, and does a little shoulder shimmy for good measure.
Regulus chortles again, buries his face in his hands.
James needs to get a camera immediately. He needs this immortalized for posterity. This moment, right here. Regulus Black smiling at him. James has spent enough time with Regulus now to know this is special. This is precious. And it's for him.
James wants Regulus Black to smile at him every day for the rest of his life, and the enormity of this thought should scare him, but it doesn't. It doesn't because what else is James doing on this roof if not… he can't lie to himself. He wants to bring the Black brothers together, but James is not here just for Sirius.
He's here for Regulus. He's here for himself.
"Is that your favourite?" Regulus asks, running a hand through his curls. He's regained some control, so he's not giggling anymore but he is still half smiling and James honestly wants to cry from how happy that small thing makes him.
He can't be blamed, though. Because Regulus smiling is something else. His face changes, relaxes. The scowl disappears and it's like someone has lit a light inside of him. James swears his eyes are greener, his perfect teeth whiter, his curls darker. The angles of his face sharpen, which doesn't make sense because a smile should soften then, but it is, and James wants to kiss them all and see if he gets cut.
There's a small dimple on the right side of Regulus' mouth when he's smiling that James would pay a fortune to be able to kiss.
"No," James says. "My favourite song isn't actually by ABBA."
"The betrayal!" Regulus says, and James gapes at him, mouth open. Regulus Black is… joking? He can joke? With him. James is starting to worry he's dreaming this whole thing. Regulus looks away.
"No," James blurts out. "Don't. That was funny. I just… I'm not used to it."
Regulus is looking at him again, but he's scowling now. Which honestly? James likes, too. He thinks he just likes Regulus. Everything about him. "Not used to what?"
"You. Like this," James says softly. "I like it."
Regulus pulls out a cigarette and lights it. After a large puff of smoke, he says, "Well? Favourite song?"
"The Sounds of Silence," James replies.
Now it's Regulus turn to stare, genuine surprise coating his features. "You like Simon and Garfunkel?"
"You know them?"
And Regulus scoots closer to James. Just, moves his butt, dragging it over the tiles so he's closer to him, knees almost touching. James' heart pounds the inside of his chest. Regulus has never done this before. Never moved closer. Initiated any sort of connection. James doesn't mind being the one to take charge all the time, but he had no idea he'd been wishing for Regulus to take the role from time to time until it happens.
"I love them," Regulus says. "I just didn't think you would. They're not very cheerful."
James shrugs. "I mean, I wouldn't play them at a party. But they're nice to listen to. Something about the soft guitars and voices… I don't know," James says, feeling self-conscious for no reason.
James realises it's not very on brand for him to like Simon and Garfunkel. He should be a Queen fan, like Sirius, or perhaps a Fleetwood Mac or The Beatles fan. Which, yes, he likes some of their music. But The Sound of Silence hits him deeper than anything else.
"I'm glad you like them too," James tells Regulus. "We could… eh. Listen to them sometime. What else do you like?"
Regulus looks relaxed. The small smile is back, hanging from the corners of his lips. A cigarette dangles from his fingers. He's wearing his rings, all silver, and a large green jumper. James would like to cuddle him. To ask him to sit between his legs and just… smoke there. In the crook of James' body. He doesn't, of course. But he wants to.
"Leonard Cohen," Regulus says. "Do you know him?"
"I don't think so," James replies. "What does he sound like?"
"Sad," Regulus says, shrugging. "Listen to Famous Blue Raincoat if you can."
"Is that your favourite?"
He shakes his head, curls flying. "My favourite is…" He stops. Looks at him. "Never mind. Yes. That one."
James smiles. "It can't be worse than ABBA. I promise not to laugh at you."
Regulus sighs, turns his eyes up. A drop hits his forehead. James looks up, too. His glasses get hit, and the world goes blurry. It's starting to rain, and it looks like it's going to be heavy.
James feels the irritation crawl in his veins. Is this a joke? He wants to shake his fist at the sky. Things were going so well. They were having a good time, and Regulus was smiling! Why does the universe hate him?
Regulus stands up. "Right. Well."
James jumps to his feet, almost loses his balance. He rectifies last minute, just in time to throw out a hand and stop Regulus from walking towards the edge, where the window is waiting below.
"Wait!" James sounds a little breathless.
The rain is thickening. His clothes are starting to sag and his hair is sticking to his forehead. Regulus' curls are weighing down, too. But he stops, and turns his face to look at James even though a raindrop is running down his nose.
James has the mad urge to kiss him. Wouldn't that be something? A kiss in the rain. Fuck. It's like one of those romantic novels his mother likes to read.
"What's your favourite song, Regulus?" James asks.
He looks at James for a long moment, searching his face. Somehow, they get closer, until James can see the small drops of water clinging to Regulus' eyelashes. And Regulus is just… looking. He's being bold about it, too. Tracing the lines of James' face with his eyes. James stays still, lets Regulus do what he will.
James knows if Regulus touched him, or kissed him, he would just let him. In fact, James wants him to.
Regulus' eyes drop to James' mouth and his heart skips a beat. Then another. But Regulus looks up again, blinks.
"Hymne à l'amour," he replies softly. Then, he turns around and drops down to the window without looking back.
James stays. He stays long after his clothes are soaking wet and stuck to his skin. He stays even though he starts to shiver. He stays, because Regulus Black apparently speaks French, and he spoke some French to him. That's what it was, right? Does that mean Regulus' favourite song is in French? James is going to have to investigate. He's going to learn French, too. He's decided. Because when Regulus said those words it just sounded so good it broke James down and rebuilt him from scratch.
James thinks as he slides into the owlry, leaving a trail of water everywhere, that he needs to stop lying to himself. He hasn't even broached the subject of Sirius with Regulus and it's not because he's forgotten. It's because James is enjoying getting to know Regulus too much. Does that make him a bad friend? James honestly can't tell.
But he can't keep hiding this from Sirius, can he? It's… he doesn't like it. But what would he tell his friend? That he's hanging out with his brother on a roof while he smokes and James talks non stop about stupid shit? It just seems… it's not big enough yet, is it?
Besides, Sirius hasn't yet told him what it is that's been bothering him. So it's okay to need time. It's okay to wait before one says things that could result in big changes. James decides he's going to give himself a little more time. A few more nights, at least. Just to see whether something really is happening.
Regulus doesn't go to the roof on Friday night because James told him he couldn't make it, and he doesn't see the point in going alone. Not anymore. Instead, he stays in his dorm with Barty, Evan, Dorcas and Pandora.
They're discussing Hogsmeade, because the first visit is happening the following day, but Regulus isn't paying them attention. He's on his bed, lying face up and staring at the ceiling. Regulus wants to smile.
He doesn't, of course. His friends would think he's having a heart attack or something. But he wants to. He just… he can't stop thinking about James. James' bright smile. His proud voice when he announced with no shame whatsoever that he likes ABBA. The shoulder shimmy. Salazar's cape on a pole, James' shoulders are something else.
And his favourite song? James Potter has hidden layers. Regulus was a bit dismayed at first, because it was so easy to tell himself his crush was superficial when he thought James had no personality. And then, he had to go and be all… sweet. Just fucking adorable. But also, he's smart. Maybe not the same way Regulus is, but he's still smart. And he's tenacious, which Regulus respects. The man didn't stop until he mastered the stupid Rubik's cube.
He's tenacious about Regulus, too. Patient. And he listens. It's so dangerous, because Regulus is slipping. He can feel it. He's letting himself go bit by bit on that roof. Towards James. Melting into something that should terrify him but if Regulus is honest with himself—the yearly exception, let's call it—makes him curious. Regulus wants to know what happens if he dares.
He wants to touch James. Regulus wants to kiss him. He wants to have him. In every way one can have another person. Because Regulus is greedy and selfish and James is always giving. Regulus wants to take it all.
He's not sure why he hasn't yet. He's thought about it. In the rain, last night. He wondered what would happen if he kissed James.
But the possibility that James would… that he doesn't want the same things… it would break Regulus. And he can't afford that. He cannot be broken because he has a lot of breaking to do himself. Regulus has to stay mean. He has to stay strong, sharp. He has to file his edges so that he can leave a trail of blood in his wake when the time comes. The one thing that scares Regulus the most, even thoug he's trying his level best to ignore it, is that the time is coming faster than he'd like.
Easter is five months away. That's all he's got. Five months, and then he's raising hell.
"What the fuck is up with you?" Barty asks, standing on Regulus' bed and looking down at him.
Regulus blinks, shocked to find Barty there. He's in his pijamas—joggers and a white t-shirt—and looking at Regulus with curiosity. When did he climb his bed?
"Fuck off," Regulus says.
Dorcas climbs on the bed, too. She sits by Regulus, close enough to touch. "No. Barty's right. You've been acting strange all week. What's up?"
Pandora stands behind Dorcas, peering at Regulus over her head. She's wearing a hat today, because apparently some of her ideas were flying away. It's a little crooked right now, and when she tilts her head, Regulus thinks the hat is going to fall.
"Nothing," he says. "Barty, get your feet off my bed."
He rolls his eyes, but jumps off and lands next to Evan. Great. All his friends are circling him now. Regulus sighs, pushes himself up on his elbows. "Don't you lot have anything better to do?"
"No," Pandora replies sweetly. "I'm exactly where I want to be."
Dorcas smiles. Evan lifts his chin towards Regulus. "Are you sure you're… well. Anything you want to tell us?"
Regulus raises his eyebrows. He looks around at his friends. The people he cares about. The four that survived the cold and the bones and the pain. In a way, anyway. Because Regulus isn't sure he loves them; he isn't sure he can love anything or anyone. But whatever he's capable of, these four are it for him.
And yet, Regulus doesn't trust them. Can't trust them. Not with this secret. Not with James. Because James is his, and his alone, and the nights are stolen from time that's running out for them. Regulus is on a ticking clock, every day getting him closer to the point of no return. He doesn't want to give anything away. A single whisper of it. It's his, and it's James', and Regulus will keep it that way until the very last second.
He's selfish and possessive, but he's fucked up and messy and a boy that's had to make himself a man too quickly because there's a war coming and he's going to be in the battlefield. Front line. Raising hell.
So. Sue him for wanting to keep the one thing he's got that's not dark and twisted and bloody away from everyone else.
"No."
They shrug, exchange glances. Accept defeat. "Alright then." Evan says. He tugs on Barty's arm and they go back to lounging around his bed. Together on it, limbs tangled. Regulus wonders, but he doesn't ask.
Neither Dorcas nor Pandora bat an eye.
"Are you going to Hogsmeade tomorrow?" Pandora asks him.
"No. I'm busy," Regulus replies. "I've got a meeting with Slughorn."
It's a lie, but his friends don't doubt him. Well. It's a white lie. He will talk to Slughorn eventually, but first he wants to keep digging into Riddle on his own. It's best to know what his blind spots are before approaching Slughorn. So.
Regulus doesn't like lying, and does it very rarely and only if it's necessary. These days, it's becoming necessary a lot more often than he's comfortable with but he cannot do anything about it. His friends can't know about his research. It would mean telling them about his plans for revenge. About the sacrifices he's going to make.
Pandora would tell someone, because she'd want to stop him and protect him and she'd think it to be the only way. Evan and Barty would offer to help, which Regulus can't accept either. Too dangerous. Regulus already suspects Evan is going to be a complication because his father is a freaking Death Eater. So. He doesn't need to add fuel to that fire. And Dorcas? Dorcas would find all the reasons why it's a bad idea. She'd try to change his mind. And Regulus would have to break her heart, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to hurt Dorcas.
Regulus knows he'll have to plan it carefully when the time comes to protect his friends. He has no idea how he'll do it, but he will.
"Do you need anything from the village?" Dorcas asks.
"You're going?" Barty calls from his place on the floor by Evan's bed. "You said no earlier?"
"I said no to going with you and Evan," Dorcas says, a glint in her eye. Ah. Regulus knows.
"Who are you going with then?" Evan asks, sounding mildly offended. "We're your only friends."
"That's a bit mean," Pandora says gently.
"Doesn't make it less true," Barty says, siding with Evan.
Dorcas sighs. Stands up in the middle of the room and throws her shoulders back. Regulus springs up from his bed immediately, because if Dorcas is doing what he thinks she's doing, he's ready to back her up should Evan or Barty be idiots about it. Which, honestly? They could be. Simply because Regulus isn't certain they're yet comfortable with their own sexuality.
Regulus won't hesitate to hurt either of them if they so much as look at Dorcas wrong.
"I'm dating someone," Dorcas says. "And I'm going to Hogsmeade with her."
Regulus is surprised to see Barty smirk, a knowing glint in his eye like he's not the least bit shocked by this news. Evan smiles at Dorcas, and winks at her. Pandora is the one who lets out a loud whoop and throws herself at Dorcas for a hug.
"You have a girlfriend? And I didn't know? Dorcas! Honestly! This is amazing. What's her name?" Pandora is so excited her words are all coming out together in one unintelligible rush but they're all used to her so they make sense of it anyway.
Dorcas blushes. "Ah, well. You're not allowed to judge."
Evan scoffs, but there's a playful smirk dancing across his lips. "Would be a bit hypocritical of me to judge anyone's choice of partner."
Barty turns around, eyes wide. "Oi. What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh," Regulus says before he can stop himself. Evan and Barty both freeze. They turn slowly, like they're afraid. And Regulus hates it. He hates whatever has made him like this. So prickly that his closest friends are visibly weary of him.
They shouldn't be. Because Barty knows. For Merlin's sake, Barty knows. And yet, he's a little cautious like he's not sure what Regulus is going to say.
Regulus hates his brother. He hates him, because he left one night and Regulus froze, and everything that made him semi-decent leaked out of him through the cracks. Empty, except for the little bit that survived and clings to his friends. These four people. And Regulus stands there in that room, surrounded by his people, and is reminded of the frost. The cage of bones. Cold and pain and blood. Fury and hurt and vengeance.
It's all he is.
It's all he can be.
It's all his friends see of him.
And yet, there are moments on that roof, when James is beaming at him, that Regulus swears there's a trickle of warmth. It's a sliver, so light it's barely there but Regulus chooses to believe it exists. And he holds on to that, and does his very best to ease the mask away from his face.
"About fucking time. Honestly," Regulus says, and then he gives his friends a half smile and a nod.
"Did he just--?" Evan is gaping at Regulus, mouth hanging open.
"He did," Barty replies. He's beaming now, looking at Regulus like he used to when they were eleven and still thought life might have something good in store for them. "Regulus Black just smiled, ladies and gentlemen. We should brace for the apocalypse."
Someone sniffles loudly, and it breaks the spell. Regulus looks up, and Pandora is weeping for some reason. Barty laughs, and then Evan is giggling too. It's so absurd Regulus has to sigh.
"I'm surrounded by idiots," he murmurs, but he's amused, and proud of himself, too.
"Anyway!" Dorcas yells. "Back to my news? Yes?"
Regulus is tense all over again, because it's one thing for them all to be accepting of each other. It's another thing entirely for a group of Slytherins to be okay with one of them dating a Gryffindor. Barty and Evan look relaxed, curious. Pandora is still softly crying.
"I'm dating Marlene McKinnon," Dorcas announces. "And before you get any stupid ideas do remember she's fucking proficient at swinging a bat, yes?"
"How did you manage that?" Barty asks. "She's smoking."
Evan hits him over the head, and Barty winces, but then shrugs. "What? It's true."
Evan rolls his eyes. "Watch it, Crouch."
Regulus stares at his friends, then rubs his fingers on his temples. "Just because we know you two are a thing now doesn't mean you can do… that. Don't do that. Keep it private."
Barty turns to look at Regulus and wiggles his eyebrows. "Jealous, Black? Maybe you're upset you missed out on this gloriousness." He gestures to himself, smriking smugly.
Regulus looks at Evan, fully ignoring Barty. "I think he needs to be taken down a peg."
"You know what? You're absolutely right," Evan slides off the bed and stalks towards Regulus, a look of intent on his face so convincing it makes Barty respond by scrambling after his boyfriend (?). "Wait. Wait. Alright, okay!" Barty grabs the back of Evan's shirt and hauls him to the bed again.
"Not funny," Barty huffs, sitting on the floor again and taking Evan's hand so it rests on his head. Evan's smiling.
"A little funny," Dorcas says, beaming.
Pandora sighs loudly. "This is so amazing. It was about time love found this group."
"Half the group, anyway," Evan says, eyes darting from Pandora to Regulus. "Or?"
Pandora shakes her head. "You know I haven't met my person yet. He's waiting for me in the forest."
Regulus does his level best not to groan. Pandora had a dream in fourth year about a man with long blond hair dancing with her in a forest clearing and she's refused to even look at anyone else since. That's her person, she says, and she won't hear otherwise.
"Salazar's socks, Pandora," Dorcas says. "You can't be still waiting for that mystery dream man?"
"Of course I am," she says simply. "What about your person, Reg?"
Three heads swivel to look at him with such synchronized precision it's a little scary. Regulus lungs squeeze the air out of him, but he fights back. His secret. His. His and James'.
"Ask my mother," he says, shrugging. "It's not like I'll get to choose who to marry or anything."
"That's fucking bleak," Evan says, looking genuinely upset.
Dorcas is eyeing him suspiciously, which Regulus chooses to ignore.
Barty growls. "It's bullshit. You don't have to marry who she says."
Regulus shrugs. Keeps his mask in place. Tightly hiding everything that's churning inside of him, a tidal wave of moments on a rooftop that threatens to drown him. His throat is tight like a guitar string, but he still manages to sound bored when he says, "Not like I care that much."
"Have you seen the map?" James asks Remus. "I left it here last night."
Through the door to the bathroom, they can hear Sirius taking a shower. He's singing—London's Burning by The Clash, which are one of his new obsessions—which means he's in a good mood. It also means the entire room is going to steam up as soon as he opens that door, because Sirius showers in literal volcanic lava. He hits a high note and Peter snickers.
James smiles fondly. "Why's he so happy?"
Pete shrugs. "Beats me. He was in the library with Moony all evening."
James gapes at Remus, who shrugs. "Working on the patronuses. Sirius got a semi-corporeal one. That's why." He tilts his head towards the bathroom just in time to another high note.
They all smile at each other. Happy Padfoot is a good thing.
Peter holds up two shirts and turns to James. "Which one?"
"That one," James says. He goes back to digging through the absolute chaos that is his side of the room, completely merged with the chaos of Sirius' side. If it weren't for the beds, it'd be impossible to tell them apart.
"I can't find the map!"
Remus yawns, looks up from his bed. "What do you need the map for? We're going to Hogsmeade."
"I might not go," James says casually. "Need to check something on the map. Where—ah!"
He pulls it out from under his clothes, discarded into a pile because he had to undress in the dark to avoid waking his friends up. He was out late last night buying more cigarettes, which is why he'd told Regulus he wouldn't make it to the roof. James noticed on the map (which yes, he was checking because he's at that level of infatuation that he seeks the name on the parchment for literally no good reason) that Regulus decided to not go instead of going alone. It made James feel all fuzzy inside.
"You can't do that," Peter says, serious all of a sudden. "You have to come to the village."
James looks at him, frowns. "It's not a big deal, right? You're going with Olive anyway."
"But you promised Lily," Peter says.
Remus nods, getting up from the bed and rummaging through his trunks. "Yeah. You promised her a drink at the Three Broomsticks, mate. Can't leave her hanging."
James blanches. Shit. He had forgotten about this. Like, completely. He's not surprised, because he's been distracted in the best possible way. He's kept up with this team's practice, because Quidditch is sacred and he still very much wants to win the cup. He's done about half his homework. The other half he's copied from Remus.
That's it.
The rest of his brain power has been devoted to Regulus and Regulus only. His mind replays ever night they meet on the roof on a loop until it's time for James to climb up to the owlry and do it all over again.
It's all he can think about. Regulus. Regulus' lovely voice. His ring-clad fingers. The way his hair curls over his ears. The straight slope of his nose. The shape of his lips. Godric have mercy on him, James has spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the shape of Regulus' lips. He's obsessed with them. He's obsessed with Regulus in general.
"What do… I mean," James tries, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'll buy her as many drinks as she wants, but it's not a date. That's not… she's not expecting a date, right?"
"No," Remus says. "Can confirm. Not a date."
James sighs, relieved. "Well then. Can't I give you money and you can buy Lily as many drinks as she wants?" The moment he says it, James can tell this is a pretty shitty thing to do.
And, it's not that he's against hanging with Lily in Hogsmeade. James likes Lily. She's fun, and intelligent, and she did come through for him with that Rubik's cube. It's just that James doesn't know if Regulus is going to Hogsmeade, and if he is, he'd rather just stare at him. And if he isn't, then James would like to stay in the castle, too.
He didn't see him last night because James had to go buy more cigarettes and it was the only night he could sneak out. His friends haven't become suspicious yet, but they will. James knows he's been lucky the past few days.
Peter's distracted because he's got something going on with Olive. Remus and Sirius have been busy because they both have been having trouble casting a patronus so they spend every free moment practicing in a quest to produce a fully corporeal one before Halloween, which is around the corner. If Sirius managed a half-decent one last evening, this particular brand of distraction is going to expire very soon and Sirius is going to pick up on James' strange behaviour.
"Right," he says, admitting defeat. It's in his best interest to spend the day in Hogsmeade with his friends so that they don't become suspicious of him. "Hogsmeade it is, then."
They decide to walk together, all of them. Which, to James' pleasant surprise, includes one Dorcas Meadowes. It hasn't escaped James' notice that Dorcas is friends with Regulus and he isn't above trying to fish information out of her if the opportunity arises. Namely, whether Regulus is into boys with brown skin, messy hair, and glasses. James hopes he is, because it's getting harder and harder to keep his hands to himself.
It's a cool autumn day, the end of October barrelling towards them quickly. A strong breeze blows leaves that have begun to fall in orange spirals on both sides of the path towards Hogsmeade, and a few people in town must have put on their chimneys already because the smell of burning wood drifts through the air.
James doesn't much like this time of the year. He prefers Christmas, and the snow, and proper cold. This in between when he finds it hard to get his layers right is annoying, but Remus loves Halloween so James tries not to complain. Thinking about it, the next two weeks will be busy for James, with a full moon and then the traditional Halloween party. They need to get on the planning for that immediately.
Peter and Olive lead the way, chatting animatedly about Godric knows what. Olive is also a herbology nerd, but James heard the words 'electricity' and 'actors' so he thinks Olive is educating Peter on muggle entertainment. Olive is a half blood. Her dad is a muggle.
Sirius, Remus and James are walking together. His two friends are sharing a cigarette between them, and they're all discussing the upcoming Quidditch World cup. Remus isn't that into Quidditch, but he does share opinions based on the players he finds good looking. This infuriates James and amuses Sirius to no end.
The girls bring up the rear. Mary, Lily, Marlene and Dorcas. Marlene and Dorcas are walking a little closer to each other and in the middle, so that Lily and Mary bring up the flanks. James recognises this formation because he and Peter did the same thing a few times back in fifth year when Remus and Tom wanted to go to Hogsmeade together without drawing attention.
When they reach town, Sirius announces he needs to go to Honeydukes. Remus immediately volunteers to go with him. Peter takes Olive to a small bakery down the road—not Madame Puddifoot's, James advised—and says they'll come join them in the pub later.
"I need to buy some school supplies," Dorcas says, somewhat shily. She looks at Marlene and it's both adoring and hesitant, like Dorcas isn't one hundred percent sure how to behave around her. James sympathises because he feels the same with Regulus. "But I can go on my own and catch you later?"
"I'm coming with you," Marlene says. "The girls can—"
"No," Mary says immediately. "We'll go together. I'll be your beard. Come on."
"Lily?" Marlene asks.
Lily hesitates. Mary looks at James pointedly, and he gets the hint. The sooner he's fulfilled his promise the better. And Dorcas and Marlene don't need two chaperones. Besides, the wind's picking up and soon everyone will seek refuge in the Three Broomsticks so it's smart of them to secure a table early.
"I believe I owe Lily a drink," James says with an easy smile. "Let's head to the Broomsticks. We can get a large booth for when people start to show up."
Lily beams. "Nice. Yeah." She turns to her friends and waves. "See you in a bit."
They walk side by side. Lily's hair is in a bun, a few stands whipping her face in the wind. She's snuggled into a cosy jumper that looks soft enough to wrap a baby in. James thinks of Regulus and his green jumper. It's dark, not bright green. Regulus is always in dark colours, which James thinks is brilliant because they bring out his eyes. Besides, Regulus is quite pale so the darker colours fit him better. James has never in his life had this many thoughts about fashion choices before, but he's discovering that when it comes to Regulus, James has thoughts about a ton of new things. It's exciting.
He pushes the door to the pub open and waves Lily in. She whisks past him, smiling, and greets Rosmerta. They secure a booth and order two butter beers, then slide in to sit face to face.
The pub isn't very full yet, so the noise levels are manageable. There's the murmur of conversation, the clinking of glasses being served or picked up, and every now and then the scrapping of a stool against the wooden floor. A large chimney against the far wall cracks every now and then, casting a warm, orange glow over patrons and empty tables alike. The burning wood mixes with the distinct smell of beer.
"Did you learn to solve the Rubik's cube, then?" Lily asks him.
James takes a sip of his butter beer before grinning back at her. "I did!"
He's so proud of himself for it, because it wasn't easy. He kind of wants to brag to her about the fact that he learnt to solve it on a rooftop in the dark, but he won't. Those moments are precious to him, and he doesn't want to share them with anyone else. The roof of the owlry has become kind of their sanctuary. James is under no delusions that if he attempted to talk to Regulus anywhere else, he'd be met with the end of his wand and the threat of disembowelment.
"Are you going to tell me how you heard about them?"
He shakes his head, still grinning. "No, I don't think I will."
Lily chuckles. Takes a sip. She looks pensive for a moment, like she's weighing some options in her head. James waits. He's in no hurry, and he's happy to let her lead the conversation because all James wants to talk about is Regulus, and he can't, so it's safest he's not allowed to lead.
"You're not very subtle, James. My guess? It was that crush you wanted rid of. Wasn't it?"
James sighs, puts his arms on the table and looks at Lily solemnly. "Lily, I failed so spectacularly at getting rid of it you have no idea."
This is fine, he thinks. Because he already told her he had a crush and he wanted rid of it, so really, it's nothing new. And it helps him scratch the itch. Makes him feel like he's telling someone without really telling.
Her eyes widen, and she leans forward too. "But you said they didn't like you back? Has that changed?"
"I'm not sure," James tells her honestly. "We're… huh… hanging out. But it's all very platonic. I can't tell if this person likes me that way. Sometimes I think so, but I'm not sure."
"Do you flirt with them?" Lily asks him gently. She's gripping her butter beer like she's afraid it'll run away, knuckles a little paler than the rest of her hand.
"I try, but I don't think I'm very good at it," James jokes. "It's fine. I like hanging out with them. We just chat about stuff and solve Rubik's cubes. It's nice."
Lily cocks her head to the side, a little frown creasing her forehead. "But don't you want more?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I think if it were me, I'd want more. The whole thing. The… kissing and the touching, you know?" Lily is blushing something fierce now, and James thinks it's adorable.
He smiles at her. "Yes. I mean, I want that. I just don't know if he does."
James realises he's slipped up as soon as he says it, but he can't take it back. Shit. Lily is going to piece it together now, obviously, because the only 'he' in all of Hogwarts is Regulus Black. James tries to force himself to breathe.
"I… I mean, like, it's not—"
"Don't panic," Lily says, reaching for his hand. She takes it and gives it a little squeeze. "I already knew it was a boy. I haven't told anyone, and I'm not going to. That's your business. You can trust me, James."
James' mouth falls open. He swallows, forcing his heart to slide back down and settle in place. He nods, takes another breath. "How?"
"You said he in the library that time, too," Lily says with a shrug. Her hand is still gently covering his, and James likes the warmth. It's helping him stay grounded, because honestly? For a moment there he saw his life flash through his eyes.
"I haven't told anyone," James whispers. "Not because… I'm not ashamed of it. But I don't know if he… I don't even know if he likes boys."
Lily's eyebrows fly up. "Ah. I see." She chews on her bottom lip for a moment. "Why don't you just ask him?"
There's something about Lily. About the way her face softens when she's looking at James. Her mouth, in an almost permanent gentle smile. The lights of the pub catching on her hair, bright like a roaring fire. Lily makes him feel safe. Like he's going to be alright no matter what. Like he doesn't have to have the answers to everything.
So James admits it out lout. The fear he's been carrying inside of him. "What if he says no?"
And it's that simple, isn't it? James can't ask Regulus because if he does, he can't keep pretending he's only doing this for Sirius. Which, let's be honest, James knew from the beginning. It's just easier to tell himself that he only wants to bring the brothers back together. To push his own agenda to the back of his mind and pretend it's not happening.
If James asks Regulus and Regulus says no, James doesn't know if he'll have the heart to keep hanging out with him. It'll hurt too much, knowing he'll never get to touch him. But if he said yes? If Regulus said yes, James would be doomed. Irrevocably. He'd know no peace until Regulus gave him a chance.
"It's better to know, James," Lily tells him. "It's always better to know."
She sounds sad, and it makes James glance up and truly, genuinely, look at Lily. There's tension around her mouth. She's good at hiding it, but James is looking now, and he can tell something's off.
"Are you alright, Lily?" James asks.
And Lily recoils, snatching her hand back almost violently. It's such a drastic change from a moment ago that it gives James whiplash. "I'm perfectly fine, James. Why wouldn't I be?"
James is lost. He is utterly confused. Somehow, he's offended Lily, but he has zero clue as to what he's done. "I'm sorry? I just… I don't know. You sounded a little sad there. Didn't mean to upset you. Whatever it is, you can tell me," James says, trying his best to fix whatever he's broken. "You've been so nice to me and so helpful. If there's anything I can do, I'd like to help you, too."
Lily shakes her head, sighs. She closes her eyes for a moment, then leans forward again when she opens them. "It's okay, James. But thank you."
Their conversation gets a little stilted after that. Lily doesn't ask or comment on James' mysterious crush again, and James doesn't bring it up, either. They discuss their charms assignment, of all things, and it's a relief when Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas come in and join them at the booth.
Sirius and Remus join a few minutes later, Sirius is rubbing his hands together, complaining about the wind. Remus rolls his eyes, takes off his scarf and wraps it around Sirius. They slide in next to Lily, while Mary, Dorcas and Marlene took James' side.
Rosmerta waltzes over their table, glances around, and clicks her tongue. "You look a little cold, dear," she says to Sirius. "Mulled beer?"
"You know the way to a man's heart, Rosie," Sirius says, beaming at her.
Rosmerta swoons. Remus rolls his eyes again. "Butter beer," he says. "Please." And it's clear to James it's an afterthought.
James wants to laugh, because Remus being jealous of Rosmerta is truly hilarious. He knows for a fact that Sirius only flirts with her because she's been letting him drink alcohol since way before he was old enough to do it legally. Still. James supposes he too would be irked if Regulus went around winking at pub owners.
He asks for a mulled beer like Sirius, because he's never had it and he's curious, then looks around the pub surreptitiously while the girls place their orders. He spots Crouch and Rosier by the bar, but Regulus isn't with them. Pandora isn't here, as far as James could tell, so they could be somewhere else together. That's all of Regulus friends, James thinks. He's been watching his name on the map for a while now, and whenever Regulus is with other people, it's one of these four, or any combination of them.
"I didn't know the Three Broomsticks had table service," Dorcas comments as Rosmerta waltzes away.
Marlene snorts. "They don't. You can thank that absolute slut of a man right there." She tilts her head towards Sirius and gives him a little salute.
Dorcas stares at Marlene, horrified, but Sirius only chortles. "Come off it, McKinnon. Not my fault Rosmerta isn't into girls."
Marlene pouts. "Do not rub my failure in my face."
"I'll rub—" Remus slaps his hand on Sirius' mouth. "Nope," Remus says. "You're not being obscene in front of polite company."
Sirius wiggles his eyebrows, then licks Remus' palm. James can tell, because it's Sirius and they share a braincell. It's what James would do.
Shockingly, or perhaps not so much, Remus doesn't let go. Sirius' eyebrows take a nosedive into a frown, and now James can tell he's pouting under Remus' hand.
Dorcas is watching with wide eyes, mouth slightly open. Lily is shaking her head, but she's amused by the antics.
Mary rolls her eyes. "Honestly, you two," she says, pointing a finger at Remus, then Sirius. "Need professional help."
Remus lets go of Sirius, who immediately scowls at him, and it reminds James so much of Regulus he feels a little sick for a moment. Remus wipes his hand on Sirius' jeans.
"Not cool, Remus," Sirius says. "Making me look bad in front of the girls."
"You don't need my help for that," Remus deadpans.
Sirius brings his hands to his chest in mock hurt, gasping loudly. "Ouch!"
Dorcas chortles, and both of them look at her. "Sorry," Dorcas says, but she's still laughing. Full on giggling. Marlene watches her, and her kohl-rimmed eyes twinkle with something James has never seen in Marlene before. He likes it. He's happy for her.
Dorcas is still laughing. Sirius huffs like he's offended, even though James knows he isn't. Remus is blushing.
"Oh, Salazar's cape on a pole," Dorcas says, wiping a tear off her cheek. "I just wasn't expecting that."
"What part?" Mary asks, genuinely curious.
"Cape on a pole?" Lily mutters under her breath. "Never heard that one before."
"The dramatics? Lupin gently roasting Black? It's just funny," Dorcas says, a little bashful now, like she's embarrassed by her reaction.
"I'm not dramatic," Sirius says, putting his elbows on the table. Remus' scarf looks a little ridiculous with the rest of Sirius outfit, but he's not going to point it out.
Marlene scoffs. "Yes, you are."
"Yes, you are," Lily adds. Mary, too.
"James!" Sirius says.
"Least dramatic person I've ever met," James says immediately, no hesitation. Perfect delivery, too. His voice didn't waver. Not even a little bit.
There's a chorus of 'oh, come on!' around the table, but Sirius is leaning back like he's got not a care in the world and smirking. "James' opinion is the only one that matters," he says casually. "So. Case closed."
Dorcas looks at Marlene. "Are they always like this?"
Marlene shakes her head. "No. They're usually worse."
"You get used to it," Remus says with the air of someone who's been suffering torture for years.
Lily taps Sirius' shoulder. "Excuse me for a moment," she says. And to James' surprise, Sirius seems to know exactly what Lily means, because he ducks forward, leaving the way open for Lily to smack Remus over the head gently. "Don't even pretend you aren't worse than both of them combined."
James' mouth opens, staring at Lily with delighted shock. Sirius sits up, throws his head back and laughs. It's loud, and one of James' favourite sounds in the world. Judging by the look on Remus' face, he shares the sentiment.
When Sirius recovers, he turns to Lily and high-fives her. "Get in Red! That's what I'm talking about."
"I have done nothing to deserve this attack on my character," Remus complains, though he, too is smiling.
Rosmerta arrives with their drinks, and they talk, and laugh, and joke the rest of their day away in the pub. James does, occasionally, wonder what it would feel like if Regulus could be with them, the way Dorcas is with Marlene. He knows it'll never happen, because Regulus doesn't strike him as the kind of person to enjoy a crowded booth. But it's a nice thought. It warms James' chest and makes him smile into his drink.
Maybe one day, he thinks.
They've got all the time in the world.
One day.
Notes:
Little montage of roof moments because I believe in people getting to know each other a little before they really open up... but that means the first kiss is coming :)