I made it through dinner only having to eat about half of what was on my plate. I am pretty sure Stef and Lena felt bad about what Jude had said so they let me off the hook. I walk away from the table knowing I was being watched by everyone. I wasn't sure where I should go. I wanted to be alone, but knew that Stef or Lena would be up shortly to check on me. I made it to my room and sat there for a few minutes contemplating. I decided not to stay because I wanted to avoid the awkward looks from Mariana. I can just picture her occasionally looking up at me, trying to figure out if she should say something or not. I really didn't want to deal with that. I tried to think if there was something I could do that would keep me busy enough without being disturbed.
I decided to go find Jude. I am headed down to grab him when I run into Lena at the top of the steps. Great. There is something about Lena that just makes me want to hug her. She is so gentle and kind that it makes me want to be held by her while I cry away my problems.
"Hey Sweetheart, are you doing okay?", she asks softly while patting my arm. I involuntary pull away from her touch. I have learned to not pull away from their touches, but when my emotions are high my walls naturally build higher. I secretly love the affection they give me, but would never admit that to anyone.
I can tell she is hurt by the way I respond to her hand on my arm. I gently smile and find myself grabbing her hand in my own to comfort this beautiful woman I secretly desire to be my mother some day. As soon as I realize what I have done I stiffen. I don't want to hurt her again so I just stay that way. She eyes me curiously. I can tell she see's the struggle on my face about what to do. I went from my guard completely up, then completely down, to back up again. What are these people doing to me?!
"Sorry", I stutter as I smile the most innocent one I can muster up and slowly return her hand to her side. I feel her squeeze my hand before allowing me to release my hand in hers.
"Is there anything you want to talk about?". I stare at her for a second. I start to wonder how she would react if I told her how I was feeling. The emotional anguish I feel and the desire to disappear. My guard slowly starts falling by the look she is giving me. Her eyes are so full of love and kindness I just want her help. I NEED her help. Wait, no. Stop. She wont understand, she won't want you here anymore.
"No, thanks." I look away from her eyes. I can't keep looking into them. They are breaking me down. I need to leave now, or I am going to crumble. I begin to look around the room trying to see my out. I think she notices this because she takes a step closer and puts both of her hands on my arms. I don't flinch away. Wait, shouldn't I have flinched? Is she successfully getting me to let her in?
She looks directly into my eyes. Crap.
"Callie honey, I am here for you. So is Stef, we all are. You just have to let us. We want to be there for you, we want you to come to us when you are struggling. Honey, I can see the hurt in your eyes and the desire to want to be close. I can feel it right now. Don't fight it. You don't need to escape me, because I am here and am not going anywhere, got it?"
I slowly nod and instinctively bite my lip. I am not sure what to do at this point. I just wish I could open up to her but I know I can't. I can't let her see my mess and I can't lose another person I love. Love. That word is such a curse. It makes people crazy. It destroys you and makes you complete at the same time. All I know is that everyone I love gets hurt and leaves. I can't take that chance.
"Okay, well I will let you go find Jude. I am assuming that's where you were headed?" How did she know that? How do they know everything?
"Yup, I was just gonna go check on him".
"Alright sweetheart, if you need something you know Stef and I are here. You can come to us anytime".
"Yeah, I know. Thanks." I don't wait for a response I just quickly head down the stairs. I am about to go into the living room and see Stef sitting on the couch with her head rested against her hand staring at the floor. I know she knows I am there but she doesn't move. Gosh, they are everywhere. I can't repeat what just happened upstairs so I hurry along and practically run into the kitchen.
"Hey bud". Finally I get to my safety net. They are just about finished cleaning up for dinner. I begin to feel guilty that I didn't stay and help clean when I realize that Jesus, Mariana, and Brandon were all helping Jude instead of me like I was supposed to. An uneasy feeling begins to creep in when I realize that they all stayed and help Jude just because they wanted to. It wasn't their turn to do the dishes. Wow. It almost makes me think, maybe I am not needed.
I look back at Jude to find we were left alone in the perfectly spotless kitchen. Shoot, I really need to stop thinking so intently around other people. It takes me to a completely different world and I am so unaware of my surroundings.
"Hey, sorry I was…"
"Distracted?", he calmly questions.
"Yeah".
"Look Callie, I am sorry about the Mom comment. I didn't even realize what I was saying until it was already out of my mouth. I just feel so comfortable here that I didn't feel the need to filter myself. I didn't mean to make you sad." I see the sorrow in his eyes and my heart breaks. I never want to see that look on his face.
"Its okay. I am glad that you are comfortable here baby. The Fosters are good people".
"Than why do you push them away?" Well I wasn't expecting that. I look down and shuffle my feet. What do I say to him? I can't explain the real reason because then he will want to know what is going on inside of me. I also can't discourage him by reminding him this is a temporary home, because I want him to get adopted. I can't let him push them away. He has nothing bad about him. He is pure good.
I look back up unsure what to say. I always give him reassuring words and wisdom but what do I say to this? I have no clue what to do.
"'Look Jude the Fosters are amazing, but I can't get too attached because this is not our home, it is a stop." I know it was kind of harsh, but I know Jude. He won't push them away. Not now. They are a part of him and he loves them. They are a part of me too.
"I bet they would surprise you Callie, you just need to put in the effort". With that he walked out of the room and I could tell he was discouraged by the way he walked with his head slightly downward and his shoulders slouched.
I suddenly miss Lena's closeness. I feel so alone in this empty kitchen. I wish Stef was there bringing me into one of her big hugs while she kisses my head. I want a Mama sandwich.
I begin to reprimand myself for having those desires. I can't want those things. It makes me nervous that I crave their touch, their closeness, and relationship so much because it is beginning to get harder and harder to push them away. I don't want to talk about how I feel, but I want the comfort and the closeness, that I know I would receive if I talked to them about how I felt.
I lost track of time again. How long have I been standing in this kitchen? I wonder if it is safe to travel upstairs without any run-ins. Who knows what I will do this time.
"Hey Sweets", I hear Stef say. I look up to see Stef and Lena walking into the kitchen. I glance over to the clock. I have been standing in here for 30 minutes staring at the floor. How long have I been standing here?
"Hi, uh, sorry I was just going upstairs to do homework". I hurriedly walk past them. I am about to leave the room when something stops me. I can't seem to move. I need their help. I need to allow them to love me. I know it is only a matter of time until I hit rock bottom and don't find any purpose for being here.
I slowly turn around and see them looking at me with concern. One hug. That's not that bad. It is human nature to crave closeness and physical touch from those you love. People hug their friends. It's not like I am actually letting them know what is going on inside me. Maybe this one hug is safe just for now. Just today, and then I will never initiate a hug again.
I look up. They are close enough together that I could hug them both at the same time. I don't want them to think that I am choosing one over the other.
I practically run into them and wrap my arm around them both. I instantly feel their arms wrap around me, tightly. It turns into a Mama sandwich as they adjust so I am in-between them. I just grab the closest thing to me and realize that it is Stef. I decide since this is the last time, I can hold on tightly. I feel Stef kiss my head as Lena holds on tighter from behind. I don't want to let go. Partially because I don't want them to ask questions but also because right here, I feel safe. In-between my two foster moms I feel loved, cared for, and protected. My pain subsides while they are holding me. Everything feels okay when I am in the arms of Stef and Lena Foster.
I start to feel the tears well in my eyes. Go away, go away, go away. I begin to chant that over and over in my head. I stop chanting when I hear Stef's voice in my ear.
"You are okay love. You are loved and safe. There is nothing to worry about. Shh.. Its okay". I feel Lena's hands begin to rub circles on my back. I just realized I am crying, I am near hysteria but am quiet enough that it is not sobs.
I know there is no way that I can convince them I am okay now. What am I going to do? I make myself stop crying and pull myself away. I can't look in their eyes. I look to the ground and mutter, "I'm sorry".
"Never say that you are sorry for seeking comfort from us, love. We love you and are so glad that you finally felt like you could trust us enough to give you the comfort you needed in that moment." I begin to back away, still not looking up.
I forgot Lena was behind me because I bump into her. I feel a blush creep onto my cheeks. I feel her arms wrap around me. My head lifts but I don't dare look at Stef. I can feel her eyes piercing me. I sit there wrapped in Lena's arms, while she leans her head on my hair. I lean into her touch sighing and closing my eyes, which causes many unshed tears to quickly fall.
I feel movement around me and feel hands on my face. I don't open my eyes.
"Sweets, look at me." Stef's voice sounds pained, almost like she hurts too. "I know it is hard baby but you need to talk to us. You are scaring me, love. Mama, too." My eyes fly open at the name. Mama? That was the first time they have ever implied that they were my mothers. I look at Stef, confused and scared.
"Sorry love, it just cam out naturally. We know that something is bothering you but you have been holding it in for weeks. We notice love, we can see it in your eyes, the way you walk, we know you hurt. Talk to us, let us know how we can help. We can't help if we don't know what's wrong." I need to get out. I need to get out fast.
I pull away from Lena's embrace and stand away from the pair a little. I see discouragement from them both. We all realized together that my walls have shot back up. I begin to feel depressed instantly. I need release and fast. I will just avoid Stef's comment all together and hopefully she won't bring it up.
"I was planning on taking a shower before bed, I should head up before it gets too late, I will see you in the morning." I see defeat on their faces as I take a quick glance before rushing out of the kitchen. I run up the stairs to the bathroom and lock the door. I carefully get into the shower and cry. I cry so hard that I have to clasp my hand over my mouth not to be heard. I reach around the shower curtain and turn on the fan to make it louder in the room. I feel so desperate. So hurt, I need relief and I need it now. I glance up at the spare razors in the bathroom. It had been a while since I cut last and I know that I should keep it that way. I decided that because I had allowed a wall to go down, I deserve to be punished. Cutting was no way a punishment but it hurt. Shouldn't it be a punishment? Why does the physical pain take away the emotional one?
I carefully take the razor apart and take out the blade. It feels so good in my hands. It has been so long. I look down at it and instantly feel better. I know that in just a few seconds, I won't feel a thing.