Chapter 5
Did she just kiss my cuts? I watch as she pushes up my sleeve. It exposes numerous Band-Aids messily placed along my arm. I was in a hurry when I threw them on there so I knew that the sticky part was on a lot of the cuts. At the moment all I wanted was to cover up the blood. I succeeded but I know this is about to hurt because I cut deep. They bled for a really long time and this is going to sting.
I watch Stef as she goes to pull off the first Band-Aid. I instinctively pull away but her hand almost immediately brings my arm back.
"I know this is uncomfortable love, but you need to sit still or it will hurt even more." I know she is right. If I move it will hurt, but I feel so exposed and vulnerable right now that I can't help but want to pull away.
"Please don't." I whisper. I don't even think I realized I said it out loud. I feel tears begin to slowly trickle down my check and a small whimper comes out of my mouth. I feel Lena reach across her desk to hold my other hand.
Stef looks up at me instantly, right as she was about to take the first one off.
"Oh Baby, it's okay. I know it may not seem like a good thing, but these need to be properly taken care of so you don't get an infection."
"Can I do it then?"
"No baby, I am going to do it. I am your Mom and this is what we do. We take care of our children and we help them heal. Whether it is physically or emotionally."
I can't help it as another whimper comes out of my mouth. What are these noises I am making? I feel so many emotions I have to fight to keep the sobs inside. At this point I am on the verge of shaking. I look down and Stef had half of the Band-Aid's removed.
Lena is looking at me so closely. I think she is trying to figure out how to help me best in this situation and I think she is afraid to look at my wrist. When I finally start shaking and sobbing she stands up and comes over to me. She wraps her arms around me in an attempt to soothe me but it just makes me cry harder.
Stef has stopped tending to my arm because it is too hard with my movement. Stef stands up and lifts me out of the chair. I am about to fight against her when I feel myself being set back down but onto Lena instead. I am WAY too old for this. I can't control my body because my tears are causing me to shake so bad that I remain seated.
"Relax sweetheart. Let me hold you. I want to hold my baby girl. I love you so much. Let Mom clean those cuts. You are doing so great. Almost done."
She continues to say sweet calming things into my ear over and over again. I decide to relax and for just this moment I let them take care of me. I instantly feel relieved as I stop the fight against Stef and Lena. Just for the time being, I will embrace the love they are offering.
I watch Stef clean my cuts. It stings but I am able to get my body to calm down enough to hold still. I lean back into Lena and soak up her love. I literally feel her love pouring into me. I study Stef's face as she works on my wrist. I can see a tear trickling down her cheek. Did I put that there?
Just like I did last night with Lena I feel this desire to comfort her. I reach up and slowly brush the tear away from her eye. Stef looks up. I think she expected it to be Lena. When she sees it is me she gives the most genuinely love filled smile I have ever seen. Tears pour down her face.
"I love you so much Callie. So much it hurts. Please don't do this to yourself again." My tears are flowing freely again but with Lena holding onto me I feel safe. I lean my head back into her shoulder and turn my head so I hide my face in her neck. I suddenly feel very young. Honestly though, I don't care. I spent my whole life being an adult that at this moment I just need to be taken care of.
Stef just finished rubbing some neosporin on my arm. I watch as she takes a few pieces of gauze and a roll of tape out of the first aid kit. I peek up at Lena who is watching Stef work intently on my arm. Of course there are tears in her eyes too. This family is so foreign to what I am used to. Stef places the gauze over my wrist. I let out a very big breath I didn't know I was holding in. I have been doing that a lot lately.
Stef instantly looks up to me and says, "Did I hurt you love?"
"No, I was just glad you guys don't have to look at it anymore." Did I just say that out loud? I am pretty sure that was the most honest and truthful thing I have ever said to them.
Stef gives an encouraging smile and tapes the gauze down. She brings my wrist up one more time and kisses it. She carefully laces my fingers between hers and sets our hands in her lap.
I then hear Lena's voice. "Callie baby, is this the first time you have done this?" I debate in my head for a few moments. I decide that right now I need to answer their questions and open myself up to them. They have poured so much love in me that I know this is safe. Before I hear doubts in my mind I quickly answer her question.
"No" My voice is so small I am not sure it is even mine.
"When did you start doing this?" Stef asks.
"Two years ago at one of my foster homes but this is the first time since I have gotten to you guys."
I hear Lena from behind me, "What was going through your mind that made you want to hurt yourself?" I pause and try to answer fully. You can do it Callie.
"Well after I hugged you guys and let you comfort me, I got overwhelmed. I needed to stop feeling so many emotions at once. I have a rule to not let people in because every time I love someone I lose them. I just didn't know what to feel because part of me was so comforted by your love but the other part of me was screaming to push you away. It was too much for me to handle that I just needed release. I needed to take the focus off of my emotions and feel physical pain."
I glanced at them both for a split second. They had concern on their faces. I can't believe I am actually saying this.
"You did this in the shower then, yes?" Stef asks calmly.
"Yes."
"What did you use, sweet girl?" This time it was Lena. This question caught me off guard. Why does that matter?
"Uhm I don't know, why?"
"I am sure you know sweets, we just want to make sure that you are not around anything that causes you to be tempted." Should I answer this question?
I think Stef read my mind because she quickly says, "You are doing so great love don't stop. Open up to us. We love you and we can help. We are not going anywhere." It gives me the courage I need at this moment. I nod and say, "I pulled apart one of the spare razors in the bathroom." I see shock on Stef's face for a second but she quickly recovers.
"Thank you for telling us. I know this is hard, but you are doing so good." I don't know why but all of a sudden I feel so overwhelmed I begin sobbing. My breathing is increasing rapidly and I start clutching my chest. I climb off of Lena's lap and onto the floor. I feel like I am dying. My heart is beating so hard and I can't breathe. I am gasping for air. I feel two sets of arms wrapping me up and telling me to calm down. I hear Lena's voice instruct me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. I listen to her desperate to stop this pain in my chest.
I look into Lena's eyes as she is teaching me how to breathe again. She puts her hand flat on my chest and puts some pressure on it. "Focus on me sweetheart. You are okay." I stare deep into Lena's eyes while I continue to gasp and sob. I grab her hand that is on my chest and put my fingers between hers. I keep breathing the way she is telling me. Her eyes are keeping me grounded. I am focusing on her and the voice of Stef behind me. She keeps repeating you are safe and loved over and over again. Her arms are wrapped around me in a death grip but it is extremely comforting to be able to know I am being held. I eventually calm my breathing and do a deep heavy sigh. I can breathe again, but the tears won't stop. I remove Lena's hand from my chest and turn to Stef. She looks at me with so much pain in her eyes. I slowly climb into her lap and cry. I grab her shirt in my hands and cling onto her with every bit of energy I have left.
I am pretty sure I have been in Stef's lap for at least an hour and a half. I had drifted in and out of sleep and crying. Stef was leaned up against the wall with Lena right beside her. Lena has her arms wrapped around us both and her head is leaning against Stef's shoulder. I am pretty sure they both have been drifting in and out of sleep as well. Lena is the first to stand up after I have been awake for five minutes without any more tears. I think I am all dried up for now.
"We still have a lot to talk about but I think we should probably go home, what do you say?" Lena's calm voice always soothes me.
"I can't, I have school." I say starting to panic.
"Calm down love. The three of us need to take the day off. It is almost lunchtime and we need to eat something. We also need to get out of here. I know it's hard for you to let people in but we are here and everything is going to be fine." Stef smiles and stands up. She reaches her hand out for me and I take it.
"Alright, who do you want to ride home with love?" I look to Stef and shrug. "Uh, I am not picking that." I watch Stef and Lena look over at each other and smirk. I think they can tell I don't want to hurt their feelings. At least they know I truly care about them.
Lena is the first to speak. "Why don't you ride with me honey, that way Mom can stop and get some lunch for us." Lena is smiling now looking at Stef. Clearly Stef didn't know this was part of the plan.
"Oh really my love, what did you have in mind?" Stef says to Lena. They are cute. I love their banter. Sometimes they embarrass me but at the same time I like to see the love they still have for each other. It is comforting to see.
"I was thinking of Callie's favorite Chinese restaurant. Want to get us some take out?"
"Of course Lena my dear. What would you like from their Callie?" I shrug. I am not really hungry. Lena and Stef sigh and look at each other. I am pretty sure they know that this is going to be a battle to get me to eat.
"I am not hungry." It comes out a little colder than I intended but I stand my ground.
"Well food is not an option, so you might as well pick something you like. If you don't pick then I will just pick for you." That was Stef's stern voice. People don't usually challenge that tone. I don't want to be rude so I don't say anything. I just stare at her.
"Looks like I am picking. Alright, you two head out and I will be home shortly."
I don't say anything. I simply follow Lena to her car. I get in the front quietly and stare out the window. I wonder what Lena is thinking. I pull up my sleeve to take a look at the bandage. Stef actually did a good job. It is perfectly lined up and covered. I pull my sleeve back down and look up at Lena to see her staring straight forward. I was surprised I didn't catch her peeking at me, but she is driving after all. I feel like I should say something but I am not sure what to say. I sigh and lean my head against the window until we get home.
"Callie." I snap out of my trance and realize we are home. I mumble a "sorry" and head inside, Lena immediately behind me.
"Let's go in the kitchen and wait for Mom, she should be here in ten minutes. Let's get some plates and silverware out. What would you like to drink?" I shrug.
"Well, you need to drink water at least. I don't want you getting dehydrated." I look at her and don't say anything. I just watch her as she gets everything out and gets three glasses of water. She motions for me to sit in the stool I am standing right next to. I sit down as she takes the one across from me. I look up at her and she seems tired. I hate to think that I caused this exhaustion.
"Are you ok?" I think Lena is surprised I asked her this.
"I'm alright sweetie, I just want you to be happy. Are you okay?"
"I mean I guess, I am not sure."
"It is okay to say no Callie. I am sure you are feeling all sorts of things. You can be honest."
"Okay, fine."
"Fine what?"
"I am not okay." As soon as I say that I feel like the world is lifted off my shoulders. I don't think I have ever looked someone in the eye and have told them I am not okay. I have not felt okay since the day my mom died and here I am finally admitting it to someone.
"This is good, you know." Lena says as she searches my eyes and tries to read how I am feeling.
"What, admitting that I am a complete mess and screw up?"
"You are definitely not a screw up sweets. I can tell you that for sure. There is nothing wrong with admitting you are struggling." Stef says this walking into the kitchen setting food down on the table.
I just look up at her. Not saying anything. If I am going to actually open up to them today I need to save my words for things that are really important. Stef has gotten the food out. It smells so good but I can't give in. I can't eat. If they want me to open up there is no way I am going to eat. They can choose.
"I am going to get changed. I will be right back." Stef runs upstairs to change out of her uniform. I feel guilty. She shouldn't have even changed into it this morning. She didn't even make it to work because of me.
Lena has dished food for herself. "Help yourself honey." I look up at her. No words leave my mouth. She sighs and stares at me for a second.
"Your body needs fuel. Especially with all of the emotions you have had to deal with today and last night. I know you already must be emotionally exhausted, we don't want you lacking any more energy than you have to." I continue to stare at her. By this point Stef comes down. She dishes up food and sits next to me. Why can't she sit next to Lena?
"Dish up sweets." Yeah, not going to happen. Lena stands up. "Will you hand me your plate sweetheart?" I don't move of course. She sighs and reaches for my plate. She dishes up some food and sets it in front of me.
"Eat." I can hear the demand in Stef's voice. I know that she thinks she will win this battle, but she wont.
"I can't talk with food in my mouth." I look up to Lena who gives me a puzzled look. "Why don't you want to eat sweetheart?" I don't know how to tell them I'm borderline anorexic. I tried to be when I first got here, but I forced myself to eat at the table because then they ask questions. At this point I don't even care. They know about my cutting habits so they may as well know about my eating habits too. Everyday at school I throw my lunch away or give it to other people. I feel guilty when I waste their food but I can't get myself to eat it.
"Look, can't I just eat later? I have felt too much to even be remotely hungry. I am pretty sure it wouldn't even stay down. It would just make me sick. Especially if you expect me to talk." I watch both Stef and Lena. I can tell they are not exactly sure how to respond. They can tell it is a deeper issue than just not being hungry. I think they also are a little unsettled by how I am giving them an ultimatum. I basically just made them choose if they wanted me to eat or talk. I feel kind of guilty for doing that because it is a little disrespectful but at the same time it is true. I don't think I can emotionally handle being forced to eat and having to talk about deep emotions. It is too much. I will literally have a panic attack and I am pretty sure I am not ready for that to happen again so soon.
"You can eat after we talk. We can wait for your appetite to come back. But you MUST drink that glass of water, yes?" Stef says defeated. I nodded and pick up the water. I start to drink it feeling somewhat relieved. In my head I don't plan to eat later but at least I can push that worry aside. For about ten minutes Stef and Lena eat, both staring off in different directions. I quietly sit there and sip my water little by little trying to make it last until they are done eating. I expected it to be awkward but I think everyone is so tired that the silence and the chance to re energize is actually appreciated for a few minutes.
Once they are done they take care of the dishes. Lena takes my plate and covers it, placing it in the fridge so I can "eat" it later.
"Alright my loves, let's go into the living room." Stef says walking out. Lena follows and glances back to make sure I am coming. I give a small smile and follow. I don't want them to think I am not appreciative and that I don't care about them. I still try to make sure they know that.
I get into the living room. I debate where to sit. Lena is on one couch and Stef is on the other. Oh great. I stay there looking at them both.
"Uhhhh, where do you want me to sit?" They chuckle and look at me.
"What?" I say defensively.
"We were just messing with you sweetheart." Lena says as she moves in the chair in front of Stef.
Stef pats the couch next to her and says, "Come sit here sweets." I sit down next to Stef but at an angle so both Stef and Lena can see my face. I may as well embrace this because I need them to know what they are walking into. If they truly love me then they will still adopt me. If not, then I guess I will be on my own once again. I am not sure where this new attitude came from but I can't keep feeling like I am alone. If I am not wanted I will leave for Jude's sake and that's really all there is to it.
"So my love, where should we start?" Stef says looking over to Lena.
"Honestly I am not sure, Callie, why don't you talk to us? I know you probably don't know where either but can you start by telling us how you are feeling, right now at this moment? Maybe it will help you ease into it."
"Uhm, well I am scared to lose you both after I tell you about everything that has happened to me. I have so many emotions and thoughts going through my head on whether I should trust you both. The thing is that I want to trust you both. I just don't know how. I don't know how to let people love me. I don't know how to be taken care of. I have always had to be strong for Jude and have never had anyone be strong for me."
"That was great sweetheart. Maybe now you could tell us why you first started to cut? What started that?" I start sweating and my hands are trembling. Lena and Stef each grab one and hold onto it tightly. How did I get this lucky to have these two amazing women love me? I take a deep breath knowing I have to continue and knowing that I need to tell them about Liam.
Please let me know what you think! - Stefanina123