Chapter 18: Horrible Things
Notes:
Hello hello!
TWs for this chapter:
Smoking
Mentions of past murder (Liverpool man)
References to past child abuse
References to possible future murder
Mention of possible vomiting (no one is sick, but it's mentioned like they feel like it)
Heavy making out (clothes stay on!) (heavier than we've seen before hence the warning)
Implied possibility of someone cutting themselves (for a specific purpose, one-off type thing)
There's a discussion about sex in this chapter, too
I think that's it. If I've missed anything, please do flag and I'll be happy to add it!
I hope you enjoy 3
THANK YOU to all the lovely readers leaving kudos and making me smile and the amazing, brilliant people leaving comments and making my day!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The wind is biting cold when James makes it up on the roof. He told Regulus he would find an alternative place for them to meet now that winter is coming, but he's been distracted. They have Order training now on Sundays on top of everything else they're doing. Not to mention Quidditch, which remains James' true passion and number objective. He'll graduate as the only Captain to have won the Cup every single year of his captaincy. He'll accept nothing less.
Anyway, he's been busy and distracted, but he does need to think of somewhere to go with Regulus if he doesn't want them both to freeze to death. Not conducive to the sort of thing he wants to be doing with Regulus. So. James supposes the Astronomy Tower is an option, but it's a semi-popular spot for couples. They could be discovered accidentally. Not to mention his friends go there to have serious talks, which doesn't happen often but it's not outside the realm of possibility.
James will have to find a better solution. He knows every corner of this castle. It shouldn't be too hard if he applies himself to it, and for the chance of more time with Regulus, he will.
James sits on the cold tiles. Casts a warming spell. Today, he's arrived before Regulus. He waits and fidgets with the pack of cigarettes he brought for him. James wants Regulus to arrive quickly, because he's not in the best headspace. Being alone with his thoughts isn't a good idea today. Not when James is still feeling guilty over the Liverpool man.
He wants to be distracted, and Regulus is excellent at distracting him.
But would he be if he knew what James did? What would Regulus think if he found out James had a very active part in the events that led to that man being killed?
James isn't sure Regulus would like him anymore, and that's terrifying. But James wouldn't blame Regulus if that was the case. Because James is supposed to help people. Save them. Protect them. And he failed. There's a dead man and his blood is on James' hands. Or he feels like it, at least.
He hasn't had a chance to properly talk about it with his friends because the news arrived on the morning of the Full Moon. They touched on it very briefly, and Sirius, Remus and Peter said almost the same things Regulus said. They told him not to put this pressure on himself, that he saved a lot of lives and the choices of this man weren't James' responsibility. But it was rushed, because then Remus had to go to the Shack, and then well. The following day hasn't been the easiest.
Sirius hid himself in his bed, curtains drawn, as soon as they finished lessons. He hadn't emerged by the time James left to come meet Regulus. So. He hasn't had a chance to properly hash it out with his friends, and the words from yesterday have lost their weight.
The guilt remains. It just won't go away. James doesn't know how to get rid of it. And it scares him, because he's not an idiot. He knows that people die in wars. He's just joined the ranks, and he's willing to fight, isn't he? That means people will die.
That means James might have to kill.
James doesn't know if he can. After all, he hesitated when it was Sirius' life on the line. If that wasn't enough for him to give in to his darkness… James doesn't know if he'll be much good to the Order of Phoenix after all.
Dumbledore would have never recruited if he'd known how weak James is.
Very noble. Very brave.
You have skills that would be useful to the efforts.
Dumbledore would have never said that to him if he knew James is about to be sick over himself with guilt for the death of a man. Does it matter that man was ready to hand over thousands of muggles? No. Because a life is a life, isn't it? James can't… can he? He doesn't think he can.
"Hey," Regulus says, and James looks up so fast black spots dot his vision for a second.
Regulus is watching him with narrowed eyes, sitting on the roof next to him. James didn't feel him arrive. Didn't see him. That's a first.
"You okay?" Regulus asks.
James nods, hands him the pack of cigarettes. "Just lost in thought. Sorry."
Regulus pockets the pack and takes a cigarette out of his almost finished one. He lights it with his wand, a small flame flickering at the tip of it, lighting the small space between them. Regulus takes a long drag, then looks at James as he extinguishes his wand.
"Bad ones," Regulus says.
It's not a question, but James answers like it is. "No. Just…" He sighs. Looks at Regulus. Admits defeat, because apparently he cannot hold his ground with good looking people. "Fine. Yes. Bad thoughts."
"Tell me," Regulus orders. There's no mistaking the tone of his voice.
James doesn't want to, because he already did, and Regulus told him to get over it. If James brings it up again, he'll get bored. James isn't boring. He's fun and interesting. He's handsome and good at kissing and stuff.
That's what he should be doing.
"It's nothing," James says, leaning forward. "Not important."
Regulus' gaze drops to his mouth, and James thinks he's won, but then Regulus shakes his head and pulls away before they can kiss. James almost whines in protest, only catching himself at the last minute.
"Tell me," Regulus repeats. "And then I'll kiss you."
"Regulus, it's not important," James complains.
"I don't care. I want to know," Regulus replies. There's something in his voice that gives James pause. It's like a little waver. A break in the smoothness of Regulus' usually cool and unbothered tone that betrays he means it when he asks James to tell him.
He wants to know badly enough for it to make a crack on his façade.
And James learnt the night of the broom ride that he couldn't deny Regulus Black anything. Not really. So he sighs, and scoots closer. "This okay?"
Regulus nods. And James takes a deep breath and says, "I'm still thinking about the man in Liverpool. I know you said it wasn't my fault. I still feel like it is."
"Guilt has a way of clinging to the insides of our ribs," Regulus says quietly. "Don't let it. It's not your fault, James."
"I know that up here," James says, tapping his temple. "But in here… well. I feel like I've failed. Like I should have done more and I didn't."
Regulus puts his cigarette out against the tiles and turns to face James fully. He brings one hand over the one James put on his own chest, and the other he takes up to James' face, cradling it gently and effectively cutting blood circulation to James' brain. Regulus can be so fucking gentle when he wants to be. It's mind blowing to James. He wants Regulus to never stop being gentle with him.
"It's not your job to save everyone," Regulus says fiercely. His hand is cold on his face, but James likes it. He likes that he can feel it so distinctly on his skin, proof that Regulus is still here, touching him even though he's being annoying and talking about the same topic again.
"But people need help," James says weakly. "And I can help them. I should. Because I can. And it's—"
"You're a kid, James," Regulus says, cutting him off. "It's not your job to save the world."
He wants to, though. James wants to save everyone so badly. Because the alternative is that some people he cares about could get hurt and that's not something James can live with. He can carry his burdens, and hurt, and bend under the weight of the world, but none of it will ever break him so long as he knows his people are safe.
And yet. Well. Regulus perhaps has a point.
"Not alone, no. I can't save everyone alone," James agrees. "But… We have to fight, right? We have to."
"No, you don't," Regulus insists, an edge to his voice like he's thinking about something specific. For a wild moment, James panics that Regulus somehow knows about the Order but that's impossible. He doesn't. He can't. He won't. "Leave the fighting to the adults. The professionals. It's not your job."
James can feel his heart splintering. Is it not his job? Maybe it isn't. But he needs to do it anyway because there are too many bad people. There are also too many people who do nothing. And that's how innocents end up dead. Isn't it?
"Regulus, you know what's happening out there," James says softly.
Regulus stiffens. "It's got nothing to do with you."
"I think that's why it's getting so bad. Too many people think it's not about them, and they do nothing. I can't be like that," James tells Regulus. "And I… I like helping people."
Regulus shifts, coming closer. Their knees are touching, and now Regulus is fully cradling James' face using both hands. His rings are cool against the skin of James' jaw, his fingers gently digging into his skin.
"You're so fucking good, James," Regulus says. He sounds sad. Like it's a tragedy.
"You say it like it's a bad thing?"
"It is," Regulus replies firmly. "Because it's going to put you in danger, and I'm going to have to do horrible shit to keep you safe."
The brutal possessiveness in his voice when he says that makes James want to kiss him and shove him away at the same time. "You wouldn't."
Regulus raises an eyebrow. "I absolutely will."
"I don't want you to do horrible things for me," James says, alarmed.
But also. Why is this working for him? Godric Gryffindor would be horrified by James. He's a little horrified by himself, but… it's not like he can help it, right? A dangerously possessive Regulus turns James on. It is what it is. Alarming, but also hot as fuck.
"Will it make you feel better if I tell you I've already done horrible things for other people?"
James opens his mouth. Closes it. "I'm… strangely jealous," he says, because he is and it's disorienting.
Regulus smiles. It's a little softer but the violent edge clings to the corners of his mouth and the glint in his eye tells James he's very much still on edge. "Not like this. Not like you. But friends. I take care of my friends, and I will take care of you."
"No," James says. "I'll take care of you."
Regulus kisses him. It's quick but fierce. Like Regulus couldn't help himself.
When he pulls away, he looks solemn. There's no smile or smirk. There's just Regulus Black, staring at him like he can see all the way through to James' soul with those piercing green eyes.
"You can't save me, James. I don't want you to. I've done horrible things and I will do more. You can't stop me. I don't want you to," Regulus says. The delivery is brutal, like he's landing blows and waiting to see which one will be the one to make James crumble. "I'm not a good person and if you're only on this roof because you've deluded yourself into thinking that I am, then you better get off it right now. Because I'm not. I don't want to be."
James should be getting ready to scramble away. He should he disgusted, or disappointed. Horrified, maybe. All of the above. He has no idea what bad things Regulus has done, but just the knowledge that he has done them should be enough. He's confessed. This is a confession, isn't it? So, he should just decide it's best if he leaves.
And yet, what James is, is alarmingly curious. He wants to know. He wants to see. To discover the deepest, darkest parts of Regulus and shine a light on them. Regulus has issues. He knew this, because his brother is his best friend. One doesn't grow up in Grimmauld place under the iron fist of Walburga Black to come out all sunshine and rainbows.
James has seen the darkness in Sirius and he doesn't love him any less for it. So why would it be different for Regulus? It isn't. James understands people are complex. They have layers, and histories, and both darkness and light. Regulus might have done horrible things, but he's also good when he wants to be. He cares for his friends. Protects them. That alone is enough. Friendship is important to James and that's something Regulus understands. It's proof that there's good in him.
And there's… there's a softness to Regulus that James has only just begun to discover. Gentleness like when he touches James' face. When he gave him a potion to heal his wounds and pretended to be his brother so he could be close to James in the infirmary. Softness in the way he spoke about his favourite song, and in the elegant way he showed James to work a Rubik's cube for the first time.
So yes. Perhaps Regulus gives in to his darkness easily, but what if it's simply because he just hasn't known light? There isn't any of that in Grimmauld place.
James isn't afraid to realise that he only likes Regulus more for his honesty. For his bravery. Because admitting to things like these isn't easy. Regulus can be dark, if he needs to be. James has enough light for both of them. Regulus can be a mess. Chaos. Shadows and hurt. Whatever he wants to be, whatever he needs to be, James will take it. Cherish it. And maybe they can grow together. Isn't that beautiful? James thinks it is.
"I know there's darkness inside of you, Regulus," James says. "That's okay. Believe it or not, there's some darkness inside of me too. But you don't have to let it win."
"I'm not my brother, James. I'm not the rebel who runs away, leaves everything behind, and then wants to play hero. I'm not fighting the darkness. I'm embracing it, because I'm not afraid to let it win if it gets me what I want."
Of all the things Regulus just said, there's one that snags on James' brain. Hopeful, he asks, "Left behind?"
Regulus looks away, drops his hands. "Don't go there. Just don't."
James wants to cry at what this means. Sirius left, and they've always blamed Regulus for not coming with him, but what if Regulus sees it differently? It had never occurred to him until now. What if Regulus stayed but he didn't want to? There are a million reasons for why things happened the way they did that night. Aren't there? James has only ever heard one side of the story. And isn't that just the problem with the world? There are two sides to everything.
Regulus is not a good person, he says, but he's here comforting James with the patience of a Saint. That's enough. All one needs to be good is a spark, isn't it? And there is a spark in Regulus. James just needs to be careful in lighting it.
He could tell him that Sirius believes Regulus stayed by choice, and he's discovering maybe it wasn't that simple. But he doesn't. He won't. It's too soon and too much for a single night. And James can't risk ruining it because he needs Regulus to understand that he's not going to be left behind this time. James won't allow it.
"Alright. Okay," James says.
"Okay," Regulus says, too.
"So, ehm, what do you want, then?" James asks. That's what he said, right? He'll let the darkness win to get what he wants. It's a reasonable question. James hopes Regulus won't shut him down on this one, too.
Regulus looks at him. Takes a breath, brings his hands back to James' face and traces James' cheekbones with his thumbs. "Right now? I want you."
Regulus kisses him, and James has to kiss him back because his body knows nothing else.
Kissing Regulus is nothing like kissing the other people he's been with. It's dangerous and sharp and thrilling, like he's walking a tightrope. And the best part is that James wants to fall. Hard and fast, and splatter himself against the beautiful, sharp, dangerous things Regulus makes him feel. James wants it all and he wants it with Regulus.
Their tongues meet, and James' body overheats. Immediately. There's no build-up. Regulus drives him crazy, awakening a hunger inside of him he never thought he could experience. It's overwhelming, and a little desperate.
Sensation overrides thought and James is acting purely on instinct. Impulse. His body wants, it dictates, and James follows willingly.
James pushes Regulus back onto the tiles and the boy goes easily, readily, letting James climb over him so their bodies are pressed together. Regulus' hands tangle in his hair, fingers tightening and pulling a little. James didn't know his scalp was this sensitive, but now he does, and he sincerely hopes that Regulus never stops tugging at his hair. Ever.
James bites Regulus' lower lip—soft and plump and the most perfect lip he's ever seen—and the boy makes a noise that shoots straight to James' pants. James has found religion. It's all right here. The hymns are Regulus' soft noises, the ones he tries to hide but can't and James is committing to memory. The text is the code of the goosebumps over Regulus' skin when James' runs his hands over it. The creed? Regulus Black himself. A god crafted from the night sky and made for James to sin. Starlight and darkness made person just for James.
James attacks Regulus' neck, leaving open mouthed kisses along the column of his throat. Regulus arches his back, pushing himself up, closer to James. It obliterates James' ability to focus, and that just. He can't make Regulus moan if he's this distracted. So. James grunts, puts a hand on Regulus' hip and pushes him back down, against the tiles.
"Behave," he says. He's not thinking, not really. He doesn't know what he's saying, only that if Regulus keeps doing that he'll lose control and they're on a roof so that's not a thing that can happen.
To his shocked delight, Regulus whimpers and James isn't gone far enough to not register that it means something. Something that they should explore, maybe? Does Regulus like it when James is bossy? The idea makes him want to die right there, so he abandons it for the time being for fear of suffering an aneurysm while they're making out.
Regulus' mouth chases his, and they're kissing again. Bruising. Desperate.
James puts his knee between Regulus legs, and he's going to ask him if that's okay, except Regulus' legs open and he moves so he's grinding against James' thigh. No need for words, then. James smiles against Regulus mouth.
"Fuck, James," Regulus pants. His fingers are digging into James' shoulders, possibly leaving marks. James doesn't mind one bit. He likes it, the fact that he's doing this to Regulus. That he's falling apart and it's James that's making it happen.
Regulus groans, ups his pace. "Encore," he says, and James doesn't know what it means but his brain has exploded and he's just a sentient, turned on body now. Regulus speaking French, even just one word, is his greatest weakness.
James presses his leg up a bit more and is rewarded with another moan, then Regulus' mouth finding his again. They're kissing, and kind of messily seeking as much contact and friction as possible. There's teeth and lips and hands everywhere, and Regulus is just moving in a way that's making James wild.
"Yes," James whispers, nibbling at the skin under Regulus' earlobe. "Yes, Reg. Take whatever you want."
Regulus moans, and James realises he's very likely to lose it and end up staining his pants like he's thirteen and waking up in the middle of the night embarrassed, flustered and confused. Except he's seventeen, and he's on a roof with Regulus, and fuck.
James has never lost control like this so quickly.
"I'm… I think I'm…" Regulus gasps. James kisses him, puts more pressure on his leg so it's good for Regulus. It's all he can think about, that he wants Regulus to like this, to want more, to enjoy it as much as James is. "James."
"You look so beautiful, Reg," James says. "So fucking beautiful."
He knows when Regulus goes over the edge because he makes a noise that sends James over the edge too, despite the fact that he's barely had any real action. They're left there, panting, and sweating. One of them, James thinks it's Regulus, cast a quick cleaning spell to fix the mess they've made. And James thinks perhaps he should be ashamed, because he can do better than this. Except he's never done anything, never has had sex with a boy before, so he's really just learning.
And Regulus is so insanely hot, attractive, perfect. He's so glorious that James needs very little to lose his mind. That complicates matters.
"I'm sorry," James says, rolling away from Regulus to lie next to him, shoulder to shoulder.
"You're sorry?" Regulus sounds alarmed.
James hurries to explain, because he won't have Regulus thinking he regrets this. He doesn't. Not one bit. He'd do it again right now. "I… uh… I can do better next time. I'll make it better."
Regulus turns his head, looks at him. He's scowling. "You can do better?"
"I mean," James says. He's blushing, he knows. He's grateful his skin is dark and makes it hard to tell. "I've never had… uh. Never done this with a boy before. Never done anything, really. With a boy I mean. So I'm… I'm not sure what I'm doing. I was just kinda… feeling it? But I'll learn, though. If… eh… we can practice? You can show me?"
Regulus stares at him, shock making his expression go a little slack. James wants to die. Roll of the roof and just disappear because this is embarrassing. He's usually so fucking smooth. He likes taking charge and making his partners fall apart as thoroughly as possible. He knows he's only seventeen, and has more to learn, but he's quite proud of his technique and ability. With Regulus? It's not just that he's inexperienced with boys. It's that James' brain disconnects and he forgets everything he knows.
"James," Regulus says, and now he's blushing which is lovely. So lovely. "I've never done this before, either."
James would think Regulus is messing with him if not for the expression on his face. But it's so unbelievable to him, because Regulus is the hottest, most attractive, most perfectly beautiful human being James has ever seen in his life so what is wrong with the rest of the world? Why isn't there a line of people desperate for Regulus' attention?
"Oh?" It comes out kind of like a question, because well. "But you're so good at kissing. And I thought… I… really?"
James thinks this is preposterous, but also he likes that Regulus is his secret. That he's discovered the holy grail and gets to keep him, on this roof, just for himself. James is going to worship Regulus so thoroughly he'll start thinking he's a deity for real. That's all good with James.
Regulus rolls his eyes. "I've kissed people before. But nothing else."
James wants a list of these people. Just. To know. Who are they? What were they to Regulus? Where are they now? He hopes far away. But he can't do that. He can't ask. That's weird, and it's too early, and James needs to get a grip.
James rolls onto his side so he can look at Regulus properly. He reaches towards him and waits for Regulus to give him a tiny nod. Then, James pushes a curl off his forehead, watching the blood pooled in Regulus' cheekbones. "Was that good for you, then?"
The blush spreads all the way to Regulus' hairline and down his neck and James wants to kiss him again so badly it's a gargantuan effort not to act on it. "Yes."
James puffs his chest a little. He can't help it. He's so fucking proud of himself. "For me too," he says. "Though I'd maybe like fewer clothes next time."
Regulus laughs, then covers his face with his hands. It's adorable, and James is so fucking gone for this kid he has no idea how he got here but thank fuck he did because he can't imagine not finding him. This side of Regulus that blushes and laughs and is bashful and just for James.
"Come here," James says, rolling onto his back and opening an arm.
And Regulus does. He pushes himself closer, until his body is fitted against the side of James'. Regulus' head rests on James' chest, and he brings his arm over him so he can keep him there. Secure. Safe. With him.
"Are you going to the Halloween party on Saturday?" James asks, tangling his fingers in Regulus' hair.
"Yes," Regulus replies. "But you can't talk to me."
"I know," James says, then sighs. He hates it, but he understands. "You'll be with Dorcas, yeah?"
"She wants me to meet Marlene."
"She's very cool," James says. "Marlene. She's also head over heels for Dorcas, so Dorcas better not break her heart."
"Marlene better be careful with Dorcas," Regulus says in return. "Or they'll find her body at the bottom of the lake."
"That escalated quickly," James muses. Regulus shrugs, which is a bit weird given he's cuddling James.
They lapse into silence. It's comfortable. Nice. And James realises that there are now two people whose silences he enjoys. He wonders how much of it is coincidence that they're brothers.
He wants to ask Regulus about Sirius. About how he feels about his brother. He wants to know if he believes muggle-borns are less than people. Wants to hear Regulus say he hates his family. But they just had a heavy conversation earlier, and James doesn't think it's smart to pile too much on Regulus too quickly.
There's another thing, though. Something else James has been thinking about. And the party tomorrow is a good excuse to bring it up.
"I was thinking—"
"Did it hurt?" Regulus interrupts.
James chortles. "I like it when you joke, even if it's always to mock me."
Regulus is grinning. James can feel it. "Not my fault you're an idiot, James."
James laughs again and Regulus gets fussy about it because he's on James' chest and the movement is jostling him. He calms down enough to pick up the conversation again. "Alright. Listen, I was thinking and it did not hurt even a little bit, that I understand we can't talk or interact in public. It's okay, I get it. But I hate seeing you and acting like it doesn't matter."
"James…" Regulus' tone is warning.
"Just hear me out, okay?"
"Alright. Go on," Regulus says, sighing.
"What if we agree something, like a gesture, and it means I'm thinking about you. It means I wish I could talk to you, or kiss you, and I hate that I can't but I'm thinking about it, and you know it," James says, a little rushed, because he's a little nervous Regulus is going to laugh at him for this. Is he being silly? Maybe. But he just. He wants to be able to tell Regulus how he feels all the time.
"What kind of gesture?" is all Regulus asks.
James feels emboldened. Regulus is not laughing. He sounds like he's considering it. That's all James needs. "I nicked my arm here the first time on the roof. When we almost fell," James says, and shows Regulus the inside of his left forearm where a small, star shaped scar was left behind when he scratched himself against the tiles. It's silvery on his brown skin. "It makes me think of you anyway, because it looks a bit like a star, right? So if I touch it with two fingers, like this, and you see it, it means I'm thinking about you. What do you think?"
Regulus has gone very still. He's staring at the scar, James thinks. He can't tell very well from this angle because Regulus' curls obscure his view. James gets worried, because Regulus doesn't make a sound, doesn't move. He's not sure Regulus is breathing.
So James backpedals very quickly. "It's stupid. I knew it was. Forget it. As established, I'm an idiot, so, yeah doesn't—"
"Shut up," Regulus snaps.
And oh. His voice. Is… oh Godric have mercy. Regulus is upset? His voice is thick and James doesn't know what part of this made him sad but he'll take it all back. He doesn't want to upset Regulus. He didn't mean to.
"Regulus, I'm sorry. I didn't think—"
"I told you to shut up," Regulus says, disentangling himself from James' arms and chest and sitting up. James feels the cold of the night bite into him in the void Regulus just left behind.
James is distressed, because he doesn't understand. But then Regulus is rolling up his sleeve on his left arm, and then there's something… is that a potioner's knife? What is—
"REGULUS!" James yells. Full on shouts, because is he crazy?
Regulus rolls his eyes, but James is quick and he catches the knife before it breaks skin. He cuts the palm of his hand, but he doesn't care because he's not going to allow Regulus to do this. "James," Regulus says calmly. "Let go."
"You can't just give yourself a matching scar, Reg."
"Why not?"
James stares at him. "Because I don't want you to hurt for me. Ever. For any reason. I don't care if it's the tiniest cut. Don't bleed for me, Regulus. Please."
"But how will you know I'm thinking about you, too?" His brow is furrowed, and he's scowling again. He's blushing, too.
And James… James feels his darkness spike. The one he has inside of him and, apparently, only gets triggered by Walburga Black's cruelty. Because he thinks he understands. Regulus doesn't know what it's like to care. To be cared for. Not without pain and punishment. He only knows people show him love through wounds and aches. For Regulus, love is bleeding on a carpet at the bottom of the stairs. An eye swollen shut for a week. Hunger that eats at his insides and makes him faint so he can't leave his bed.
It's all he's known, right? Love to Regulus has to hurt.
Even Sirius'. His brother. The only person who loved Regulus when he was little, loved him in pain and blood and scars. Because James knows Sirius took punishments so Regulus didn't have to. Sirius bled for Regulus more times than either of them could ever count. The only unconditional love Regulus has ever known was stained crimson, and then he left, and Regulus hasn't learnt there are ways to love that don't hurt.
James is going to show him.
"Regulus," James says softly, taking the knife from him. "You can just touch the same place even if there's no scar there. I will know. Every time. I will know."
He scowls a little more, considering. "It's not the same thing."
James can tell Regulus doesn't like this. He doesn't like that James has something that's visible, that's there, and he doesn't. James doesn't necessarily understand the depths of the reasons, but he knows it bothers Regulus. That's enough.
"What if," James suggests, taking out his wand, "we make a temporary one. And when it begins to fade you can just reapply it. One that won't hurt. Not even a little bit."
Regulus blinks. Then nods, his brow relaxing into his standard scowl rather than the deeper one he was sporting a second ago. "Make it match."
James does. It's a very simple spell. Something he and Sirius invented because they kept losing their quills and needed an emergency tool to write with if they had surprise tests or whatever. So James uses his wand like it's a pencil, and draws on Regulus' arm a star to match his scar.
When he's done, Regulus stares at it for a long time. James waits, giving him space. It breaks his heart that Regulus' first instinct was to bleed, but he's so proud of the boy for listening. For thinking it through with James.
"How long does it last?"
"Couple weeks?" James says. "I can teach you the spell."
"No," Regulus says. Then, looks up and reaches for James, pulling him to whisper against his mouth. "I like it that you have to put it there."
Then they kiss, and there isn't much more talking for a long while.
The day before Halloween 1977 starts off a little strange.
James wakes up, goes to breakfast with his friends like any other Friday. Remus is back in the dorm, and he seems to have got over the bout of melancholy that attacked him in the infirmary because he's his usual self. Witty and dry and generally their slightly grumpy Moony.
Sirius, who is very good at ignoring things he doesn't like, has also decided to skip over the awkwardness that settled between them in the first two minutes after Remus got back and went straight back to behaving like nothing ever happened. James is glad, but he's also frustrated because honestly? His friends need to sort their shit out.
Peter is equally annoyed, but James has forbidden him from locking Remus and Sirius in a broom closet until they make out. It's not the worst idea, but it could go very wrong very quickly and they can't risk it. Not with Sirius and Remus.
James has just finished his breakfast and is walking out of the Great Hall with his entourage when Pandora approaches him.
"James Potter?" she asks gently. Her blond hair cascades down her back, almost to her waist. She has a sort of angelic look to her face, like she's pure and innocent and needs to be protected at all costs.
There isn't a single Hogwarts student that would purposefully be mean towards Pandora, regardless of whether they're friends or not.
"Yes?" he replies, curious but also a little confused. Perhaps Regulus needs something, and he's sent Pandora because she's not immediately obvious? It's not like he can send Crouch or Rosier after him. Dorcas could be busy. Maybe.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Pandora asks him.
Sirius frowns, looks at her. Remus and Peter exchange confused glances. James nods. "Yes, sure." He turns to his friends. "I'll catch up."
Sirius hesitates for a heartbeat, but then nods and heads down the corridor with Remus and Peter. James watches them go, his brother with his hair up tangled in his wand, and his closest friends flanking him. One of them shooting covert glances at the two oblivious idiots who even now walk that little bit closer to each other because they can't help but gravitate each other's orbit.
"They will find the way to each other," Pandora says confidently. "They just need a bit more time."
James turns alarmed eyes on her. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Pandora only smiles. "Sorry. I forget myself. Their secret is safe with me, James Potter. And so is yours."
"I don't really have many secrets," James says dubiously. He has one, and only one, but Pandora is close-ish with Regulus as far as he can tell. Perhaps he told her, but James doubts it. Regulus isn't the sort of person that can just talk about stuff like that.
Pandora shrugs, then begins walking slowly. James falls into step beside her. "I need to talk to you about a dream I had. I don't usually do this, but you're important. I have to help."
"A dream?" James is tempted to laugh her off, but this is Pandora. You don't laugh at Pandora. So he waits.
"Yes. Sometimes I dream important things. And I had a dream about you," Pandora tells him. "You are made of light, James Potter, and it will blind you. You can't let it. When the time comes, you have to see. Open your eyes and see. There's light and darkness in everyone. Everyone. Don't forget that."
"I'm not sure I understand," James says honestly.
Pandora sighs. "These things are never straightforward. I'm afraid that's all I can do. Just… remember that you can't let your light blind you when it's important that you see. And that you can't focus only on the darkness, because shadows are deceiving."
James feels weird. Heavy. Like this is somehow important, but he's not really getting it, and it's quite terrifying that he might be responsible for something terrible simply because he's not smart enough to understand. But when James thinks about what's important right now, all that comes to mind are his friends, and his parents, and Regulus.
He can't risk it. "Is this about Regulus?"
Pandora tilts her head, like she's thinking. James waits. After a long minute, she shakes her head, then nods. "Yes and no. He's involved, but it's not about him, I don't think. He's got his own dreams to figure out."
"You have dreams about Regulus?" James asks, mildly concerned.
He, too, has dreams about Regulus. Dreams that result in his waking up drenched in sweat and aching. Longing for him, to have him near, to just breath the same air. James hates that he can't see Regulus all the time. Every day. He wishes he could sneak him up into the Gryffindor dorms, cuddle him on a soft bed and not half-lying on a roof made of sharp, cold tiles.
Frankly, James would happily just spend the rest of his time staring at Regulus do anything. He could watch him read a dictionary and find it interesting. James is very aware that he's a little too far gone for how little time they've been 'together' (?). Are they together? Don't ask James. He doesn't know. Doesn't care. As far as he's concerned, there's only Regulus for him whether they've agreed to exclusivity or not.
Like she can read his mind, Pandora giggles. It's sweet and gentle. Soft, like everything about Pandora. Ethereal. "I do, just not like yours, I think. You're blushing, James Potter."
"My face is literally brown," he says. "You cannot tell I'm blushing." And then, suspicious, "Can you?"
"You are not very subtle," Pandora replies. "Blushing is not just about rosy cheeks."
James shrugs, runs a hand through his hair. He can't argue with that, he knows. "Alright. What do you dream about then? With Regulus."
"Like you, Regulus is also important. Perhaps more. But he knows what he has to do," Pandora says.
"What does he have to do?" James asks, his curiosity overwhelming his every other thought.
"Think of the sun," Pandora says, smiling cryptically at him. "Always think of the sun."
Pandora leaves him in front of his class, which surprises James because he hadn't noticed that was where she was walking him. She glides away, disappearing down the corridor with the air of a visiting spirit. She's an odd girl, Pandora. Always day dreaming, seemingly distracted and absorbed in her own world.
James walks into his class and ponders Pandora's warning. It was a warning, wasn't it? He isn't sure, either. But he thinks about it all through Charms.
Potions is after lunch-time which is honestly criminal, because nobody wants to spend two hours brewing random stuff on a Friday afternoon when they could be preparing their costumes for the Halloween party.
In fact, James and Sirius have to discuss their excursion into Hogsmeade to procure the alcohol for the party. Remus is recovering well from the Moon, so Sirius should, hopefully, agree to going tonight. James told Regulus he wouldn't be able to meet him anyway, which he said was fine because apparently he, too, was busy with some potion he has to stir for a number of hours this evening.
James kind of wants to watch Regulus brew a potion one day. He thinks it'd be exciting, because James like competence, and Regulus is so smart and competent he's pretty sure watching him work will do things to James. Good things. Pleasant things.
Things that he needs help with, as per last night.
James is paired with Remus today, which works just fine for him. Because James has questions, and he fiercely hopes Remus has the answers. He usually does. With a quick glance in Sirius and Peter's direction to make sure they're focused on their own potion, James scoots over as close to Remus as he can get and looks at him with his best puppy eyes.
"Oh fuck no," Remus says immediately. "What did you do now?"
James is appalled. "What makes you think I did anything?"
"You only look at me like that when you've gone and done some stupid shit," Remus says. "Or when Sirius has done stupid shit with you, or any combination of that and you need my help. What did you do?"
James scoffs, offended. "For your information, I did not do anything stupid or bad or anything. I just wanted to ask you a question."
Remus eyes him suspiciously. "About what?"
"About sex," James says simply.
He can tell Remus was not expecting this, because his eyes go very wide and his cheeks go very red. For someone that swears like a sailor, Remus is surprisingly shy when it comes to talking about this stuff. He remembers teasing him endlessly for it, because when James and Sirius first slept with a girl, circa fifth year—Sirius was first, then James a couple months later—Remus would turn crimson whenever they discussed the hows and whats of it.
"What about it?" Remus manages to say. He's a lot less abrasive now, more cautious. Like a spooked animal.
James leans forward. "Well." James pauses. How does the phrase this? Should he…? No. Just the truth. Always the best strategy. "I want to have sex with a boy but I've no idea what I'm doing. Help?"
Remus chokes on his own breath. Or saliva. Or both, James isn't sure but Remus is coughing something fierce and beetroot red. The rest of the students turn to look at them, alarmed, but James waves them off.
Sirius does come over to their desk, however. And this, James thinks, is not ideal. Because Sirius is dealing more or less well with the news that he's interested in his brother but if he finds out he's asking Remus for sex tips, Sirius will hang James from the Astronomy Tower. By the balls.
"What's wrong Moony?" Sirius asks, eyes jumping from Remus to James.
"Wrong pipe," Remus manages to say. He's recovering now, wiping tears from the corners of his eyes.
"Huh," Sirius says. He doesn't sound too convinced, but he can't stay away from his potion for long. "Alright, then."
He narrows his eyes suspiciously at James, then sighs and goes back to where Peter is waiting. James immediately turns towards Remus and raises an eyebrow. "I'd appreciate it if you could not make a big deal of this," he says. "I didn't make a big deal of you and Tom."
"Fucking hell, James," Remus says. "I don't care if you like boys or not, but you can't spring that on me in the middle of a potions lesson."
"I don't want Sirius and Peter to know," James explains. "Besides, it's not like they can give any advice. Peter is straighter than a pole, and Sirius so far has only had sex with girls, so again. Unhelpful."
Remus blinks. Blinks again. "Wait, what? What do you mean 'so far'?"
James should have thought his choice of words through better. But also. Maybe a nudge will help? It can't hurt. He hopes. Fuck. If he ruins this for his friends he'll never forgive himself. But it's too late now.
"I suspect, though it's one hundred percent unconfirmed and Sirius is as far as I can tell very much not aware of this," James says carefully. "That Sirius might be like me. On some level. You know, like, girls and boys. Maybe."
Remus looks like he's going to cry, for some reason. James is fucking confused. Shouldn't Remus be happy about this news? Apparently not. James doesn't understand his friends.
"Right," Remus says, swallowing. "Well. If he… that's his business. What…" Clears his throat again. "What did you want to ask?"
James sighs in relief. This is what he needs. Alright. "Well. Any tips? Like… I think theoretically I get the gist of it, you know? But in practice. What do I need to know?"
Remus groans quietly like he cannot believe he's having this conversation in the middle of a lesson, but to his credit, he leans closer to James while stirring their potion and drops his voice down so low James has to stop breathing to hear him.
"What kind of sex are we talking?"
"Well, I hardly need advice on how to suck dick, Remus. I'm pretty sure I can manage that part, seeing as I've had it done to me," James says, mildly offended.
He thought about it last night, and he knows what to do there. Like, he's received it so he understands what feels good and that. So surely, he can do it. He was just caught off guard last night, but oral sex he understands, so he can do it. He will do it. If Regulus wants it.
James hopes Regulus wants it, because James is low-key obsessed with the idea since it popped up in his brain in the middle of the night. He blames the hormones. He's still a teenager, right? Seventeen, and healthy, and well. Absolutely gone for Regulus so it's totally normal.
Remus 'I'm a prude' Lupin makes a sound of profound distress and embarrassment, his ears turning so red James half-expects steam to come out of them. "Godric have mercy. James, please. I'm begging you."
"No," James says. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. Sex is healthy, and it's fantastic, and I will not be shamed for it."
"Keep your voice down!" Remus growls.
"Then tell me what I need to know. For… you know. The part I haven't done. Or haven't… ehm… haven't had it done to me, either," he says. "You know, the part where…" He makes a little hand gesture to help his explanation and Remus immediately closes his eyes and drops his head on the desk.
"I'm going to murder you, Prongs. Slowly. Painfully," Remus voice is a little muffled, but the message is clear enough.
"So long as you do it after you tell me what I want to know, it's all good," James says.
Remus rolls his eyes. Then whispers, "Have you already done everything else with this guy, then?"
James shakes his head no. "I just want to be prepared. But I don't think we're there yet. Like. Not for a while, I would say. Have other things to do first. Step by step. I don't want to scare him away."
Remus nods, and then to James' surprise, he smiles. "Then, maybe, come ask me when you're both ready? And you've discussed it? And for now, just… enjoy whatever it is you're doing?"
"I don't know if I'm doing it right, Remus," James says. "I… Like I want to do stuff. But I don't know if I'm going to embarrass myself."
"James. You've gone through this with girls already. It's the same thing, just different anatomy. Just communicate. And try things. And see what you're liking and what you aren't, and same for him."
"Not the advice I wanted," James says, then smiles at Remus. "But I think maybe the advice I needed."
Remus smiles, too. Claps a hand on his shoulder. "Relax, Prongs. Just see where it goes. You'll be fine." Then, he frowns and looks up into his eyes. "Are you going to tell me who he is?"
"Not yet," James says. "He's… he wants me to keep it secret. That's okay, isn't it? You didn't tell anyone about Tom for a while, right?"
Remus nods, and James sighs. "I'll tell you when he's okay with it, alright? But thanks, Moony."
"Anytime, Prongs. And, for the record, you look happy. So, I support this. Whoever he is, I like him for you," Remus says.
James thinks, I like him for me, too. But he doesn't say it. Not yet.
Notes:
Can we please give it up for Remus 'Grow up, James' Lupin? He's so mature? But also, not him panicking when James drops the bomb that Sirius might not be all that straight. If you knew the things going through that man's head HELP I LOVE HIM
And James teaching Regulus love doesn't have to hurt? Not gonna lie, I made myself tear up with that one. Hit me like a wrecking ball!
Additional note:
I wanted to write a quick note at the end of this chapter, it applies to a lot of what happens for the next several chapters too. Jegulus are starting a relationship now (they'll figure it out, I promise) and so will - hopefully - other characters soon-ish (side eyes Wolfstar). As such they'll be exploring their attraction to each other and what that means for them and how that manifests. They'll discuss it (see James & Remus discussion in this chapter) with more or less grace, because they're teenagers and mostly they're boys (Marlene and Dorcas are bossing life, my girls don't need no tips). I personally believe that teenagers should have a healthy relationship to sex and be free to explore as much or as little as they want to in a healthy, safe way. So. My characters will try things, and do things, and have different types of sex BUT for now they're still in school, so it won't be graphic in any way. You know what's happening, but it's a bit flowery and the focus is on the emotions this connection makes them feel.
There will be smut, and I think I might have to change the rating to Explicit when we get there, but that'll be for the part of the fic that I've planned for the war / after the war, when everyone involved is an adult and has left school uniforms behind a good while ago.
Thanks for reading :D