As I sit next to Stef on the couch with Lena across from me I can't help but feel safe. They each are holding one of my hands and I feel loved. It is a foreign but very welcomed feeling. I am trying to debate whether or not I should tell them about Liam. They just asked me why I started to cut. Liam is the reason I started. He took something from me. He emotionally wounded me and completely took my control away. He took something that should have been mine. I take a deep breath and try and answer Lena's question vaguely.

"I started cutting after a particular foster home. Just some stuff happened and I wasn't really sure how to handle it." I can feel my bravery begin to slowly decrease. I can't tell them about Liam. I am crazy for thinking I can. They are going to want to know all sorts of things and details. What if they don't believe me? I could not handle that.

"What do you mean stuff happened sweets?" Stef says with a look of reassurance.

"It's not really that big of a deal. I guess there is no particular reason. I wont do it again. Can we just drop it? " Everything about that sentence was a lie.

"Unfortunately we can't. This is serious. I am not saying there has to be a specific situation that caused you to want to cut. I am just saying that your emotions were and are high enough for you to desire a relief through physical pain. We can tell you are sad honey. Probably even depressed. It kills us to see you in pain. We just want to help you discover why you started cutting and then hopefully we can help you stop. Sometimes people have a chemical imbalance that is uncontrollable and causes your emotions to go out of whack. All we want to do is help you." Lena looks at me waiting for a response.

"I said I would stop okay this conversation is pointless."

"What caused you to put your walls back up Callie?" This time it was Stef.

"I didn't."

"Then why are you shutting us out?"

"I am not shutting you out. I said I would stop so there is nothing to worry about." I know I am disappointing them but I am not doing this.

"Fine, I wont push this for right now but this conversation is not over. If you really are stopping that is great but we are still going to take some precautions."

"Precautions?"

"Yes Callie. We will be checking for new cuts every few days. Also, we will be removing the razors from the shower and anything else that we think necessary." It amazes me that Stef can have her voice be so stern and caring at the same time.

"What so I have to be hairy for the rest of my life?" I am starting to get angry. They can't do this!

"No, you can still shave but one of us will be in there with you while you do it." Lena says carefully.

"No way this is ridiculous. You can't do this." I start panicking. How will I cut again with them so close to me all the time. I hear Stef's voice.

"We don't want to argue with you Sweets. This is not up for discussion. Love, we want to help you. I know you are probably mad at us for doing this but think about it. We are trying to help. We care enough about you that we don't want you to hurt yourself. This should be a good thing. This means we love you. I mean what kind of mothers would we be if we let you hurt yourself? If we just looked the other way while you are in pain? That is not loving someone. I think you know that. We are not against you, we are on your side." It actually makes sense and I would think it was sweet if I wasn't trying to figure out how to cut without them noticing. They don't understand. I need to cut. I can't function without it.

"Also", Lena says and then pauses. "You are not allowed to be in any rooms with locked doors. I know you are not going to like this but we don't want you to be tempted and unreachable. If we have to we will remove the locks. We aren't trying to punish you honey. What Stef said is true. We can't just sit by and watch our daughter hurt herself. It is as bad as someone intentionally hurting their child." I think about how ironic that statement is considering I was physically abused in many foster homes. "We don't want you to resent us for these actions. I hope you can see that we are doing this out of love. If you are tempted and feel the need to cut please come to us. I promise you we will help. We will talk you through it, distract you, whatever you need. Just trust us. We want to help you through this sweetheart. We love you. Don't ever forget that."

Stef's turn, "Also, there will be a punishment for your actions this morning. We love you so much and that is not going to change but you broke rules and were disrespectful. No matter what, that is not okay." I actually don't blame them for that. I was terrible this morning.

"Sorry about that." I mutter softly and look down. Lena squeezes my hand and says, "You are grounded for one week. Only school and home. Also your cellphone stays in our room when you are in the house. But when you are at school you keep it at all times. Never ignore our calls again. That was not okay. Understand?"

I nod.

"You are forgiven. Well, now that we have that cleared up we want you to be able to trust us. We want to trust you too. These rules aren't forever you know. Once we are confident you can be in these situations without giving into temptation we will loosen the reins. The grounding isn't because you cut, it is because you left the house without asking and purposefully ignored us. We are not punishing you for cutting. The rules are for your safety. I know it feels like a punishment right now but someday you will look back and realize that we are doing this to help you.", Lena says sweetly. I doubt that. Before Lena can continue Stef speaks up. "Does that make sense to you sweets? I know we are repeating ourselves but it is really important you know we aren't punishing you for the cutting. We don't judge you or think any less of you. All we want is you safe and healthy. If you can think of anything we can do to help you, please let us know. We love you and we would do anything in our power to help. I know we say this a lot too but it is SO important that you talk to us. Shutting yourself off only makes you feel more disconnected. It is fuel for bad thoughts and temptation to hurt yourself. Going through this with other people is so much easier."

"Okay, well why don't we take a break. I know this is a lot of information at once. Do you know that we love you and want what is best for you?" Lena asks. I nod.

"No sweets", Stef says. "Say it out loud."

"Yes, I know."

"Know what?" Lena says smiling.

I can't help but give a tiny smirk. "I know..." For some reason I stop at love me. I can't help but think they won't after they know what happened. Should I tell them about Liam before the adoption? If they still want me after hearing that, I know it is real. If they don't want me after that then at least I wont be stuck with people who don't truly love me.

"Honey?" I look up to Lena. She looks like she has been hurt. I look to Stef and her face is the same. I have never seen so much pain on their faces. Why do they look that way?

"You don't think we love you?" Stef's voice cracked when she said the word "don't". I have never heard her so emotional. I know I need to answer this honestly.

"I think you love me, I just can't help but think you might stop," I whisper, afraid to say it out loud. They relax a little at that, but still look pained.

"Honey," Lena starts, "What is it going to take for you to realize we love you and always will?"

"I told you I was messy. Once people realize how screwed up I am they throw me out. I want to trust you but I have dark parts of me in my past. What if you don't want me after that?" I regret saying that about my past. Now I peaked their interest. I quickly try to cover myself.

"I know you love me now I just couldn't handle losing you after letting all my guards down. So I don't." I look down. "I know you love me though. I really do." I looked up at them and gave them a smile.

"I think we all need a break. Are you ready to eat Callie?" Lena asks calmly.

"Not hungry."

"Why don't we watch a movie sweets? Wait for you to get hungry? I will have you know though, hungry or not once this movie is over you will eat something. Understood?"

I am pretty much glaring at her. I will play the avoidance card.

"What movie are we watching?"

"Callie." I can tell Stef is trying to control her anger.

"Lena?" I say, pretending I can't hear Stef. Lena's eyes are wide. She is looking at me shocked for challenging Stef. Everyone is afraid to challenge her to a certain extent, but I am not.

"Callie I am not messing around. You ARE eating after this movie. You have been warned." I didn't know a voice could sound so demanding. I don't look at Stef I just stare straight ahead.

"Okay! What movie would you like to watch Callie?" Leave it to Lena to always play peacekeeper.

"I don't care." I say folding my arms. I know I am having attitude but they brought this on themselves. Of course I start to feel bad so I slowly uncross my arms and quietly say, "Whatever you guys would like is good for me." I look at Stef, she is still angry looking. I genuinely feel bad I keep causing them stress and so many emotions. I try to throw her a bone. "What would you like to watch Stef?" Her eyes soften a little.

"How about something funny?" She says trying to pick up the bone I just threw her.

"Sound's good. There is a new movie on Netflix I have wanted to watch. It is a romantic comedy." Lena says eagerly.

"Sounds good to me. Is that okay with you Callie?"

"Sure." I say sweetly. We end up on a couch directly in front of the TV. Stef is on one side of me and Lena is on the other. Stef has her arm wrapped behind me on the back of the couch. I am not touching either one of them. I carefully put my hands in my lap and play with my fingers. It is times like this when I get so confused. Confused for wanting them to stay as far away as possible and at the same exact time wanting to snuggle up to them and feel their love. Do other people have these feelings? Am I crazy? I feel guilty for being rude to Stef. I peek up at her and she is watching the movie. I want her to know I care about her and respect her because after this is over she is going to be mad at me for not eating.

She still hasn't looked down at me. She has got to know I am looking at her. Maybe I should look away. I look back at the screen. I very carefully scoot closer to Stef so our legs are touching. The upper half of my body is not touching her so I am leaning awkwardly. I slowly bring the rest of my body over to Stef. At this point I am completely nestled tightly against her side. She looks down at me and I feel her gaze. I don't even look up I just smile and shrug. I hear her laugh and her arms wrap around me and she kisses my temple. I look over to Lena who is watching us with adoration in her eyes. I smile at her and bite my lip. I feel bad for moving away from her so I carefully look down at the empty spot between us and back up to her. She too laughs and moves next to me. She gets so close that I am sandwiched in between the two of them. I start to feel exhausted again. Pushing people away is so tiring. Trying to open yourself up to only close yourself off again takes a lot of your energy. Not to mention I haven't eaten a full meal in over 24 hours. Lena's words about needed energy are now flowing through my brain. I feel sleep overcome me. I lean against Stef's shoulder and close my eyes. I can't help but smile as I feel her rest her head against my own.

"Callie sweets, wake up." I don't open my eyes. I am too tired to fight them about food. I don't want to eat, I don't want to fight, I just want to sleep.

"Love?" I feel Stef shaking my arm. Just stop please.

"Callie baby," this time it is Lena. I can hear her voice starting to grow with worry. "Get up." I force my eyes open and am immediately blinded by the light. I groan out loud. I hear Stef and Lena chuckling. My eyes start to come into focus and the living room is sideways. It takes me a second but I realize my head is in Stef's lap. I sit up very quickly knowing my face is completely red. I then notice my legs sprawled out across Lena. Oh dear God someone please dig a hole for me to hide in. I am so embarrassed. I throw my legs off of her and mumble a "sorry" without looking up.

"You know you really need to stop saying you're sorry sweetheart. You fell asleep and your head started falling into Stef's lap. She gently moved you onto it so you were more comfortable. You're body looked uncomfortable so I brought your legs over me. You can lay on us. It is no big deal. We like you laying with us." I don't move.

"Alright come on love, time to eat." Stef says. Here we go. "Follow me please", she says. Her and Lena are headed to the kitchen. Stef stops and looks back. "Now!" It is so stern I practically jump off the couch. All of a sudden I get light headed and start falling forward. I see Stef running to me and catching me before I fall to the floor.

"Callie baby are you okay?" I am clutching my head because the entire room is spinning. Stef is still holding me up. I am not even trying to help her because I have no energy. She is supporting me 100%.

"Yes I am fine sorry. Could you please stand me up?" I slowly feel Stef bring me to a standing position and holds me in place. She slowly tries to remove her hands but I start stumbling again. She reaches out for me and lifts me up slowly into her arms. Stef carries me into the kitchen and puts me sitting up in the breakfast nook. She sits next to me so I can lean into her for support. My headaches and dizziness have been getting worse and worse. Every time I get up from sitting or laying down I get an extreme head rush.

"Callie, you need to answer this question honestly." Lena says as she sits down next to me. "Have you been skipping meals on purpose?" I don't even know what to say. She knows her answer before she even asked the question. I just stare at her. She sighs. She looks up at Stef who looks extremely concerned and not sure what to do. As they continue to stare at each other waiting for one of them to have the answers I am the first to speak.

"Didn't realize what you were getting yourselves into did you?" The both look down at me immediately. Stef takes my face in her hands.

"Do you think this changes our love for you? You need to stop thinking that. How many times do we have to tell you that our love will never change? Honestly Callie you could commit a serious crime and I would still love you. I would ground you until death and arrest you myself, but my love for you would always be there." I can't help but smile. "So we have another challenge. We will get through it together. But now, you eat."

"I can't Stef." I look up to her. "You can and you will. Love, I know it is hard but you need food to survive. It is not an option." I start to panic and pull my face out of her hands.

"Lena, please help me. I can't do this. I can't." I begin breathing deeply. I am starting to get worked up again. Lena is now cupping my face in her hands. What is with them and touching each others faces?

"I will help you Callie girl. I will help you to be healthy. You are going to eat right now. But you will be okay. You will get through this. Eating is good. I know you are hungry honey. Your stomach growled the entire time you were asleep." I blush. She drops her hands from my face and Stef returns with my Chinese food all warmed up. Lena looks at me and says, "Would something else help? Is it the food? Is something easier to eat?"

"It doesn't matter what it is." I say.

"Okay love here you go." Stef sets the food on my lap and hands me a fork. I take the fork but stare at the food as tears fall down my face. This isn't just food anymore. Taking this food and eating it means that I am letting people help me. This food represents all the walls I built around me. The minute I eat this food I am trusting Stef and Lena and am letting them a little bit closer to me. It actually doesn't sound that bad at the moment. But then I am losing what little control I do have over my life.

"Please don't make me put the food in your mouth Callie." Stef says, her voice stern but also filled with caution and love. I look at her like she is crazy but she stares back very determined. I don't move. Part of me is actually kind of curious to see how far Stef and Lena will go.

It has been about four minutes and Stef and Lena watch me stare at the food and do nothing. Stef reaches for the fork and puts food on it. Oh gosh, she was serious. I take the fork from her hands and give her the most attitude filled glare I can muster up. I think she is taken off guard because her eyes widen at the look on my face. Lena slowly puts her hand on Stef's shoulder in attempt to calm her down. It kind of makes me laugh because Stef and I are a lot alike. Lena takes my arm that has the fork in it and looks at me.

"Callie honey, I suggest you eat what is on the fork before Mom takes it and puts it in your mouth."

"She wouldn't do that." I say angrily.

"Oh yes I would Callie. You underestimate me. You need help and are one of my children. You can't make a healthy decision on your own. I will do anything to make sure my children are safe and healthy. Even if that means feeding them at age 16." I actually believe her. Oh gosh. I slowly bring the food to my mouth and start chewing. I feel defeated and relieved. Relieved that I can stop fighting them and defeated because I gave in. I eat quietly while Stef and Lena sit next to me. They each glance over at me occasionally. Okay maybe the lack of food was causing me to be grumpy because I instantly start to feel better. I feel more energized and less cranky. I hate that they are right. They are always right. I wonder how long this will last, my fight against them. I am honestly not even sure what I am fighting for anymore. I am just tired. Tired of fighting. Maybe I should just give up or give in.

Are you guys liking this? Let me know thoughts. Or if you want to see something, maybe I could incorporate it in.