Chapter 21: Boyfriends
Notes:
Hello hello!!
This chapter is less cheerful than the previous one (!)
It has Wolfstar and Black brothers angst 3
TWs
Mentions of Regulus' sleeping problems & potion addiction
Internalised homophobia
Discussions of bigotry (related to blood purity)
References to past murder / past attacks on students (Chamber of Secrets related)
Referenecs of past child abuse
Mentions of blood and broken bones
I think that's it's. We get a Remus interlude and he has some... uh... violent thoughts but they're just thoughts. He doesn't actually act on them.
I hope you enjoy!! 3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The first half of November slips by quietly. It's stolen nights behind the mirror, kisses and hands and ragged breathing. Not as often as they'd like, but as often as they can make it happen. It's not enough, never enough. But it is, and Regulus thinks that's better than nothing. He complains about it to James endlessly, for the principle of it all, but he's loving it. Secretly. Pathetically. Embarrassingly. But he is.
To their shared dismay, they're both busier than they'd like, so they don't meet each other as often. It's also harder now it's by the mirror because it's close to the infirmary and that corridor tends to see a lot of foot traffic. Regulus desperately wants to find a new place for them, now that the owlry roof is a death trap of sleet and rain and biting wind.
All in all, in the first two weeks of November, they see each other only five times. This is not okay with Regulus, but it can't be helped.
Those five nights are discovery. Regulus keeps trying to tell himself to be more careful, to hold more back. He wants this, but it's got an expiration date and he cannot forget it.
He can't.
He can't.
And yet, he does.
Something happens to him when he's in the presence of James. Like the walls he's built to protect himself from the world are no match for the hazel eyes of a boy that doesn't hesitate to bare his very soul for Regulus to see.
It's not balanced—James definitely shares a lot more than Regulus does. But he doesn't seem to mind and takes every morsel of information Regulus gives and commits it to memory like it's precious. Regulus, despite his reservations, is helpless faced with the relentless shine of James.
Regulus teaches James more about muggles and James shocks the living daylights out of Regulus by bringing a little list of things he'd like to know more about. James did research. For Regulus. So they could have more in common. Regulus has to smoke two cigarettes back to back to recover from the sheer adorable-ness of it all.
James asks about Regulus' favourite song almost every time they meet, and he gets coy about it. He's not ready to tell James what it means. What the song is about. Why he let it slip when James asked that time on the roof. It's too much, too soon. A weakness Regulus shouldn't have admitted to. And so, it becomes a kind of game where James tries to catch Regulus off guard to get him to repeat the title, and Regulus simply doesn't.
They do agree that it's early days but that they're not seeing anyone else. James is a little bit appalled Regulus even has to bring it up, because he thought they'd already kind of agreed it when Regulus had told him about the horrible things he'd do for him. Secretly, Regulus is fucking elated about this. James is his, and his alone. For a time, says a voice in his head. Regulus suffocates it viciously.
If anyone had told his eleven-year-old self this would one day happen to him, he would have melted into a puddle and never recovered.
Despite all their talking, they don't touch on anything heavy. The deep, deep stuff that could make the other go running. Not even on Sirius' birthday, when James shows up super late and quite drunk because he insisted he still wanted to kiss Regulus goodnight. Regulus doesn't tell him he climbed to the roof alone despite the weather and talked to the star that's his brother for hours, and James doesn't tell him that Sirius went to bed so inebriated he asked James why Regulus didn't love him before he passed out.
They simply don't. Not yet. This is conscious, at least on Regulus' part because he feels like they need to take a break from it. What's the point in doing this insane thing, this beautiful thing he's doing with James even though he shouldn't, if he's going to spend the entire time being miserable? No. Time's limited, and as such they should make the most of it.
Regulus is devoted. They keep learning each other's bodies, slowly. Kisses and hands, and still more clothing than Regulus wants between them, but they don't try anything more. Not yet. Regulus gets the feeling James wants to master every step before they move on to the next one, and that's okay with Regulus.
November is always a month of long nights and short days. Quidditch practices becomes hellish, because it's cold and wet outside, and it leaves them both drained. Sirius continues to glare at Regulus at every opportunity, but he never engages and he seems to be fine with James. According to Dorcas, who splits her time between her friends and Marlene's, Sirius is now dating that Adaline girl. She is not, however, invited to join the group the same way Dorcas is, so Sirius disappears for a few hours at a time, presumably to have sex with her, then comes back to be an idiot with James like nothing has happened.
Dorcas is, admittedly, confused by this because she says Sirius never mentions his girlfriend. At all. If it weren't for the random escapades—and the fact that everyone saw them making out at the Halloween party—Dorcas wouldn't believe she exists. Or, at least, that's what she tells Regulus during lunch on this grim, deep autumn day.
He hasn't seen her since, because straight after lessons he's got work to do. Regulus is, to nobody's surprise, fucking busy. It turns out that planning a grandiose revenge plan is quite time consuming.
Regulus will meet James tomorrow night, and he's looking forward to it. They couldn't make it happen today because James has Quidditch practice until late, and then he's apparently got to write no less than three papers he's got due tomorrow. Regulus' eyebrows flew up when he read this in the note James sent him, but he's choosing not to stress over James' homework. That one he can deal with on his own. He's a big boy.
Given his free evening, Regulus has done a round of checks on his potions—he ran out of the sleeping draught and is brewing more, and had to go stir Felix Felicis—then picked up a few books from the library to double check a few things he's been practicing, and he's now on his way to the girl's bathroom on the second floor. He's in a bit of a mood, but he can't exactly write back to James and say 'Five months from now you'll wish you hadn't prioritized homework' so he has to suck it up and wait.
"You're late," Myrtle complains.
Regulus gives her a look, then sits on the floor. She sighs, sits next to him. "I'm busy, Myrtle."
"But I talked to the Bloody Baron for you," she says. It's a little whiny, but Regulus doesn't care.
He turns to look at her, eyebrows raised. "You did?"
Regulus has developed a slightly dysfunctional but not entirely unpleasant relationship with Moaning Myrtle. It's very much transactional—she brings him gossip from the other ghosts, most of it unhelpful, and then listens to Regulus while he mulls over the small pieces of information he has. In return, Regulus doesn't snap at her for staring at him too long and he lets her kiss his cheek every time when they part.
Myrtle doesn't know Regulus, so she doesn't have any preconceived ideas about him. She thinks he's handsome—she's told him—and that he's a little too cold in his demeanour, but he's never been mean to her so she likes him. Regulus doesn't really care what she thinks of him, but it's helpful to have a ghost on his side, so he just… endures. To be fair to her, Myrtle doesn't moan all that much when she has something else to talk about and Regulus keeps getting her to recount the school lives of any Slytherin whose name the other ghosts remember in the hopes that it'll shed some light on the mystery of Voldemort's identity.
"I did," she says, proudly. Now that she has Regulus attention, she's a lot more agreeable. "It wasn't easy. I've been trying to get him to acknowledge me for a week! He's so mean. I swear." She throws her hands up. "But. I didn't give up, because I know it's important to you."
"Thank you," Regulus says, and he means it. The Bloody Baron is one mean ghost. Not even Regulus likes to be near him. "Did he say anything interesting?"
"Well. He said there would be no Slytherin worthy of notoriety until the true heir showed up," Myrtle explains.
This makes something click in Regulus' brain. Something he'd overlooked, because honestly he's got too much going on. "Wait. One question," he says, raising a hand to stop Myrtle. "When you died… you told me Hagrid was expelled for it, along with his creature, yes?"
Regulus hasn't yet found a way to get information out of him, but he's still working on it. There's a Quidditch match a bit later this month, Ravenclaw vs Hufflepuff, and Regulus thinks that might be the ideal time to go stalk the Gamekeeper.
"Yes. He was caught with a pet monster. They were responsible," Myrtle confirms.
"But I read somewhere that the Chamber of Secrets had been opened that year," Regulus mutters. "It doesn't make sense."
"What doesn't?"
"Hagrid isn't Slytherin's heir. There's no way. He wasn't even in Slytherin, was he?" Regulus asks.
"No. He was a Gryffindor."
Regulus sits back, lets his head fall against the wall. Something about this whole thing doesn't add up. He sighs, then says, "Myrtle, you're a Ravenclaw, right?" She nods. "Okay. Let's solve this riddle."
Myrtle preens. Regulus pretends he doesn't notice because that's a trickle of pity inside of him and he won't allow it. The last thing he needs is to feel bad for a ghost. He's got enough on as is. Myrtle's sad little toilet stall life isn't his concern.
"You hear a boy speak some language you don't know in this bathroom and die after coming face to face with some monster with yellow eyes, yes?"
"Correct."
"More muggle borns are attacked. They don't die, but they're hurt. Petrified," Regulus says, running through all the facts to make sure he's not leaving anything out. "Hagrid is found with a monster and therefore expelled. Attacks immediately stop, which lends weight to the theory that Hagrid was, indeed, responsible. The person who finds Hagrid is some Tom Riddle."
"All of that is correct," Myrtle says. "What's the issue?"
"What creature did Hagrid have?" Regulus asks.
"I'm not sure," Myrtle replies. "By that time, I was already dead and just wanted to haunt Olive for how awful she'd been to me. I didn't pay attention."
Regulus nods. He needs to find out what the creature was. Just to fill in that blank.
"Here's what I don't get," Regulus explains to Myrtle. "All Slytherins have heard the story of the Chamber of Secrets. It's just house lore. We all know it. Now, according to the legend, only the true heir of Salazar Slytherin can open the Chamber. Salazar Slytherin was the first blood supremacist. The Chamber of Secrets was meant to help purge the school. The attacks the year you died targeted only muggle borns. And, like I said, I saw a note that the Chamber was opened that year. This may or may not be true, but I'm going with true for a moment here…"
"Hagrid can't have opened it," Myrtle says, eyes turned up as she's thinking. "He's a Gryffindor. No way the heir of Slytherin was a Gryffindor."
"Exactly," Regulus says. "Something doesn't add up. Hagrid had a monster, and the attacks stopped after he was expelled. But then why muggle borns? Why the mentions of the Chamber of Secrets?"
Myrtle nods along to all of this. She tugs on one of her pigtails, and frowns. "Well. What if there were two of them?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if Hagrid was working with someone, but only he got caught? Like, if the heir of Slytherin was in school at that time… maybe that's where Hagrid got his monster from?"
It's not the worst theory. Regulus thinks it's worth exploring. He feels as though he's holding the pieces of the puzzle in his hands, and he's just missing the one small bit that brings them all together. He has to talk to Hagrid, somehow. It's the only way forward.
"Thanks Myrtle," Regulus says, pushing himself to his feet.
"Wait! There was something else the Baron said," Myrtle tells him, floating up to face Regulus. "He said the last somewhat interesting Slytherin was Tom Riddle. I said that we knew that, because he got that school award for catching Hagrid, but the Baron said not just that. He was a parseltongue. The Baron then ranted for half an hour about the fact that parseltongues are rarer and rarer every day."
Regulus' entire body goes rigid. "Tom Riddle was a parseltongue?"
"Yes."
A memory flashes through Regulus' mind. Breakfast. A newspaper. The Dark Mark floating over a train crash in Liverpool.
"Why the snakes?" Barty asks.
Evan shrugs. "Beats me."
Fucking hell. He had it all backwards.
Regulus has the mad urge to rush forward and be the one to kiss Myrtle's cheek. Fortunately, he remembers himself. He's Regulus Black. He doesn't go around kissing people. James is the one exception. Barty doesn't even count because that was in service of a friend in need.
Besides, even if he felt sorry for Myrtle—which he doesn't, Regulus feels sorry only for himself, ever—he cannot, in fact, touch her because she's a ghost. So, Regulus stays where he is and instead stares at her with widening eyes. Why didn't she tell him this sooner? Honestly, this girl has zero ability to prioritise information.
Because this. This is the piece of the puzzle he was missing, isn't it? And it's so fucking brilliant.
Honestly, Regulus is lowkey impressed. He just… he has to confirm a few things, but his gut already tells him he's right.
"Myrtle, that's… it's exactly what I need. It's fantastic."
Myrtle beams, does a little twirl in the air. "It is?"
"Yes," Regulus tells her. "I need to go now, but I'll come back next week."
Myrtle darts forward and kisses his cheek. He nods at her, then practically sprints out of the bathroom. It's later than he thought, so he has to be careful. It's not the end of the world if he's caught out of the dungeons because he's a prefect, but Regulus does try to stay out of trouble simply because it helps him keep a low profile and retain privileges like access to the restricted section or free reign in the potions lab.
He's walking quietly down the corridor, his steps almost soundless against the stone floors of the castle. It's a stormy night, and the rain batters the large windows in a smattering of fat drops loud enough that Regulus is worried he might not hear someone approaching.
Thoughts run through his brain like frantic snitches. He's made a huge breakthrough tonight. He can feel it. And it's powering his steps as he hurries back to his room where he has the research notes on Tom Riddle.
Regulus is almost around the corner when he hears the unmistakable sound of a door bursting open, then a sob. He freezes for a second.
"I can't do this!" a girl cries out. Someone tries to shush her frantically, but she ignores it. "No. Don't you shush me, Sirius! Why are you even with me? You never want to do anything that's not hooking up." Another loud sob.
Regulus' eyebrows fly to his hairline. His brother is a fucking idiot, and he's going to enjoy knocking points off him immensely. Regulus strolls around the corner casually and comes into full view of the scene.
Adaline is crying—predictably—and pleading with Sirius to be a better boyfriend. Sirius looks the most uncomfortable Regulus has ever seen him outside of Grimmauld place. His hands are darting around Adaline like he's trying to figure out how to make her stop crying without touching her. It's not going well.
Behind them, the doors to a broom closet hang open, betraying the location of their rendezvous. Super classy. His brother is so bad at romance he's making Regulus' advances with James look good. At least he has never hooked up with James next to cleaning utensils. The stench of disinfectant doesn't strike Regulus as conducive for the sort of thing they like to do.
Sirius and Adaline are so caught up in their little drama that neither of them register the fact that Regulus is standing right there, watching.
"I just don't understand," Adaline says through frankly over the top sobs. Regulus wrinkles his nose at the display of hysterics. It's giving him second hand embarrassment. "Why won't you go on a date with me?"
Grimacing, Sirius runs a hand through his hair. Way too long, by the way. He looks absolutely fucking ridiculous. "I just… isn't this good?"
He has the audacity to gesture towards the broom closet. Regulus cannot fault Adaline for the dramatic shriek she lets out, which prompts Sirius to try and shush her again. Adaline's shirt is open. Regulus can clearly see a bra made of lace and smooth, pale skin. Sirius is in a similar state of dishevelment, shirt unbuttoned, tie hanging completely untied.
"You won't even bring me to your dorm," Adaline cries, throwing her arms up in the air. "It's like you're embarrassed of me or something. Only want to fool around in the dark. I deserve better."
"I know. I know," Sirius says, trying his best to sound reconciliatory. Regulus knows that tone. He used it on Regulus when they fought as little kids all the time. Doesn't bode well for Adaline that Sirius is trying older brother soothing techniques on her. Not that she'd ever know it.
"I'm just busy, A. You know. Quidditch practice, and homework. NEWTs coming up."
Adaline's lower lip is trembling. Sirius takes a tiny, very subtle step back, but she chases him, reaching out and grabbing his hands. "Why won't you take me seriously? What do I need to do? I'll do it, Sirius. I want to be with you."
Sirius' face pales, and that's proper panic in his eyes. Which doesn't make sense. What is Sirius afraid of? If he doesn't like the girl, he can just dump her the same way he picked her up. Without any grace whatsoever.
"Listen, Adaline, it's not you. It's me," Sirius says.
Regulus can't help it. His brother is such a fucking douchebag. He snorts, rolls his eyes. Sirius and Adaline freeze and turn towards him. Adaline immediately goes red from her neck all the way to her hairline. Sirius, confusingly, looks… relieved?
"You're out after curfew," Regulus drawls. "Twenty points off Hufflepuff and thirty points off Gryffindor."
"Thirty?" Sirius sputters.
"You made the girl cry," Regulus points out. "Not very Gryffindor-y, is it?"
Adaline sighs dramatically, then flicks her hair over her shoulder. "This is all your fault, Sirius." With that pearl of wisdom, she hurries away from them, presumably before another prefect runs into her and she loses more points for her house.
The silence falls between them, stretching like shadows in the late afternoon sun. Regulus' gut twists, then swoops down with the weight of the realisation that follows. Regulus is alone with his older brother for the first time in almost two years and the memory of that last time barrels into his head like water pouring out of a broken dam.
Sirius, bleeding profusely from every place it is possible to bleed from—yes, the tear ducts in his eyes included—and frantically whispering for Regulus to grab anything he absolutely couldn't do without because they were leaving.
Sirius choking on his own breath when Regulus looked at him and said no.
Sirius' hands shaking with the effort it took for him to lift them so he could put them on Regulus' shoulders. The determined set of Sirius' broken jaw when he said, "I'll keep you safe. Don't be afraid, Reggie. We're escaping this hell. Together. You and me. I'll keep you safe."
And the look of heartbreak and betrayal when Regulus said no again.
Sirius didn't dawdle. He left straight away. Not another word was spoken between them. Regulus stood by the window and watched his brother drag himself across the backyard of Grimmauld place. A broken leg, a broken arm, smashed ribs, broken jaw. Several rounds of the cruciatus curse. Sirius had endured all of it without breaking. But Regulus had looked him in the eye and said no and his brother had had to crawl outside because his good leg had given out.
He was stubborn, though. Sirius made it past the wards and disappeared before he got caught. Regulus hasn't been alone with him since.
For a split second he wonders what would have happened if that night had gone differently. If Walburga hadn't got to Regulus first. If Sirius hadn't asked him, so he didn't have to say no. If it hadn't happened at all. What then? Regulus wonders what he would be like if their history had been less bloody, less painful.
Would he have a beating heart? Warmth and joy and light in place of the cold and bones and pain. Perhaps. Perhaps not. He doesn't know and he will never find out because the past is what it is and they're here now and…
He can't do this.
Regulus turns around. Takes a single step away before Sirius says quietly, "James told me."
This is a trap. He's being baited. He knows. But Regulus wants to bite anyway. He wants to rub it in his brother's face, that he is the one that gets James. All of him. So, Regulus turns again, looks at Sirius with a smirk on his lips.
"He told me," Sirius says quickly, like he's aware this window of opportunity is short. "And I don't like it. I… But you make him happy, it seems. So."
Regulus tilts his head to the side ever so slightly. "When?"
"When did he tell me?" Sirius asks, confused.
"No," Regulus drawls. "When did I ask for your opinion."
Sirius rolls his eyes. "Oh, come off it, Regg—Regulus. Don't be a dick. If you're going to date my best friend the least you can do is be civil towards me."
Wait. What? Is that what they're doing? They're dating? Like. Officially? They're a couple? Is that what James has told Sirius?
Regulus blinks to give himself a moment to regain control because he was about to start doing a shoulder shimmy dangerously similar to James' when he's dancing to Dancing Queen. Salazar help him.
Wait. Does this mean James is his boyfriend?
Regulus understands now why Dorcas was confused by Marlene. These things are confusing. Difficult to read. Regulus is a genius. He knows it's conceited but it's the truth. Argue with the wall. He's a revenge mastermind as will become evident to every single person in Britain over the course of the next few years. And yet.
And yet.
Mastermind and all, he had no idea he was dating his boyfriend.
Which is fantastic news he needs to immediately go celebrate with James. His boyfriend.
Salazar Slytherin on a motorbike. He could giggle. This is a new height of embarrassment. Regulus won't be caught dead giggling for any reason. But he wants to.
Because he has a boyfriend now.
His eleven-year-old self is having a field day. Perhaps he can giggle. He's eleven, and unbroken, and has a functioning heart still. Also, he's just been informed James Potter is his boyfriend.
"Say something, Regulus," Sirius says, pulling him back to this corridor. To this dark night of November. Regulus deeply resents his brother for interrupting his celebration planning, but fine. Sirius brought him this news. He's not entirely useless after all.
"I don't care what you think, Sirius," he says coolly. "You are dead to me. As far as I'm concerned, you don't exist."
Sirius snorts, making a show of being unbothered by his little brother's vitriol. Sirius is the only person ever to not even flinch at Regulus' sharp tongue. He used to make a game of it when they were little. See if he could make Sirius react to insults. Sirius would only laugh him off, tell him he knew he loved him, despite it all.
Regulus doesn't love his brother anymore. He doesn't love anything or anyone, not even himself. Perhaps Sirius should start taking his poison seriously.
"I bet James loves it when you say that," Sirius says confidently.
"We don't talk about you, you arrogant dimwit," Regulus snaps. The audacity of this guy. He's absolutely fucking insufferable.
"Your loss. I'm very interesting in every capacity. Including as a topic of conversation," Sirius replies, one hundred percent unironically.
"The infirmary is that way," Regulus points out.
Sirius' brow furrows. "What…"
"Clearly, you've hit your head. You're being even more idiotic than usual, which I thought impossible but here I stand, corrected."
"Are you admitting to a mistake?" Sirius' eyes widen.
"I am bored, is what I am," Regulus says, waving a vague hand around. "I'm talking another ten points off you, and more every minute you insist on remaining in this corridor."
"You can't do that."
"Watch me," Regulus drawls.
Sirius scoffs, opens his mouth. Closes it. Regulus turns around and walks away, glad the encounter is over. To his absolute dismay, Sirius chases him. He runs after Regulus until he's overtaken him and then turns, facing him and walking backwards.
"What do you talk about? With James," Sirius asks.
"None of your fucking business."
Sirius smirks. Smug bastard. Regulus knows he's going to be baited again before his brother even says a word. He's not wrong. "Are you telling me you're boring James already?"
Regulus stops walking. Is he for real? He fleetingly considers cursing the shit out of his brother but James would be upset with Regulus if he did that and Regulus has barely see him recently. He's not about to allow Sirius to ruin their reunion tomorrow night.
Instead of hexing his brother, Regulus laughs. Bitter and brittle. That was such a silly mistake for Sirius to make. Such an easy opening for Regulus, who has always wielded words like blades.
"We talk less and less these days, but James hasn't complained about it single time." And now, he twists the knife. "Because it's hard to have a conversation when your tongue is otherwise engaged."
He makes it sound as lewd, as dirty, as he possibly can. Never mind their mouths have never done anything but kiss. Above the shoulders only. Regulus is extremely interested in exploring changing that, but it hasn't happened yet. Still. Whether they've done it or not doesn't matter, because Sirius doesn't know. And Regulus makes it sound convincing. He's good at that, when he wants to be.
Sirius looks like he's going to faint.
Regulus relishes it. Smirks. "Do you not want details of that, brother?" He spits the word out like it burns his tongue. It kind of does, a little. "You were so keen on knowing more. Cat got your tongue now? Speaking of. James' tongue. Oh my—"
"Stop!" Sirius yelps.
Regulus looks at him down the tip of his nose, tilting his chin up. "What's the problem? Don't tell me you thought James didn't—"
"Don't say it!" Sirius shouts, alarmed. Horrified. "He does not! He absolutely one hundred percent does not," Sirius says, which is very much not what Regulus was expecting. At all.
Sirius runs his hands through his hair, stares at Regulus like he cannot believe his own eyes. "James… I mean. You kiss. Like, lips. Just—Merlin help me. That's it. Right? Regulus? Just kissing."
Regulus raises an eyebrow. "Well, he likes to kiss my—"
"No!" Sirius looks on the verge of a heart attack. "No. No. That's not a thing. It's not a thing. James does not. He cannot. You do not. It's…"
It's funny, Regulus thinks, how quickly one shows their true colours when push comes to shove. Sirius can pretend to be cool and open all he wants, but here it is. Proof. To Sirius, the idea that Regulus and James could do more than chastely hold hands and brush their lips together is obscene. Regulus only has to look at him to see the sheer disgust and panic in his eyes.
"Do your friends know you're a homophobic piece of shit?" Regulus snarls.
Sirius staggers backwards. "No. No. I'm not… it's just… but James? Just. You… you do? I can't…"
Sirius is freaking out and Regulus is disappointed. He didn't know he could be, not anymore. Not after Sirius chose to leave. To run away from Regulus. And yet. He's supposed to be some sort of punk kid, isn't he? He struts around in his leather jacket and bracelets, long hair in a stupid little bun. Regulus swears he's even seen Sirius wear make up on occasion. So, what's this? Why is he so disgusted?
Does James know about this? Regulus doesn't think so. Is he going to tell him? He has to, right? But it's going to hurt James and Regulus doesn't want to do anything that'll hurt James. Not yet anyway. These five months are supposed to be the good ones. The safe ones. The happy ones. And here Sirius is fucking it all up for him again.
Regulus shakes his head harshly, then pins his brother with his coldest, darkest look. "You know, Sirius? You might have left the house, but you sure brought mother with you when you left. She'd be fucking proud."
This time, when he turns and leaves, Regulus doesn't look back. Doesn't stop.
Maybe he should have. And he would have seen Sirius on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth. Muttering nonsense and shivering.
Interlude: Remus POV
James sits up on his bed so quickly he makes it bounce. Remus, who's close to edge attempting to read his book in peace, has to reach and grab the covers to keep himself from falling. His novel has fallen to the floor, and he's lost his page. "Prongs, what the fuck?"
Annoyed, he pushes himself up to check what the fresh hell made James jerk upwards like that. His stomach promptly plummets to the core of the earth.
James is looking at the map—which he does a lot these days because he hasn't had much time to see Regulus recently and he's being a little bitch about it—and on it, Remus finds him. Always him. The first name he locates, even when they're looking at the map together because Remus is one pathetic sod.
Sirius Black.
In a corridor.
With Regulus Black.
James and Remus look at each other and simultaneously go, "shit."
A mad rush follows where they yank trousers on and jumpers over their heads. Shoes and socks are located and frantically attached to their feet. It's messy, and includes a string of cursing when they bump into each other in their haste. Thank Godric Peter is with Olive doing things Remus never wants to hear about.
Throwing James' invisibility cloak over them, they sprint out of the common room and follow the map to the corridor. The label with Regulus' name on it moves and it's chased by Sirius'. That's not good, is it? It can't be good. James and Remus move faster.
They're almost there when Remus notices Mrs. Norris getting closer. "Fuck. James, the stupid cat," Remus says. "We need to get rid of her."
James stops, looks at the map then examines their surroundings, giving the parchment to Remus. With trepidation, Remus watches the label 'Regulus Black' move away again. The little shit. This time, Sirius doesn't chase him. He's not moving at all. Worry crawls up Remus' throat, choking him. He wants to start running again. To get to him, see him, make sure he's okay. If Regulus hurt Sirius, Remus is going to gauge his eyes out. He doesn't care James is infatuated with the boy. If he has done anything to Sirius, Remus will repay him tenfold.
Next to him, James slips out from under the cloak and tiptoes to the veranda that separates the corridor from the staircase area. There is no staircase at the moment, so James drops to all fours and crawls to the opening with his wand in his hand. Remus watches him take aim, and a moment later a curse flies across the empty space and knocks an armour over two floors down.
A loud meowl echoes in the distance, and James hurries back to Remus' side. "She'll be busy with that for a while."
Remus nods, then they're walking again. No quarter given, not when Sirius could be in trouble. James notices on the map that Regulus is no longer with Sirius. His eyes widen, and his fingers shake a little bit. Thankfully, he doesn't comment. Remus doesn't think he'd be able to keep his opinions to himself if James said anything about Regulus right now.
He's tolerating this because he has no fucking choice, but what the fuck is James thinking? Remus can't get over the fact that James decided to hook up with Sirius' blood purist little brother. It's bloody surreal. If anyone had told Remus that James would ever look at Regulus that way, he would have laughed in their stupid faces. Except he's not laughing now, is he?
It's unfair, Remus thinks. A joke of the universe that the queer brother would be the one he doesn't like. The one he doesn't ache for. Remus doesn't know how to reconcile this. Why does the universe hate him so fucking much? What did he ever do to deserve it?
You'd think painfully transforming into a literal monster every month is enough punishment for whatever the hell he did in a previous life, if you believe in that sort of thing. But no. He also had to develop an unhealthy obsession with his straight best friend and then watch said friend's bigot brother get all hot and bothered for a boy. It's… unfair.
Especially when he has to hold this reality in his head at the same time as he fights to accept the fact that Sirius and Abigail are a thing now. Because when it rains, it fucking pours, apparently. These things couldn't happen to him one at a time. No. It's a pile on of shit on top of more shit and honestly Remus is exhausted.
Remus wants to scream. He's been wanting to scream for two weeks. But he can't. He's got no right.
All his rage evaporates the moment they turn the corner. Based on James' muffled 'shit' he's seeing it too.
Sirius is a mess. A bad one. Beautiful, and broken, and all Remus has ever wanted, but a mess nonetheless. And can't Sirius just… Remus would take such good care of him. He would. He'd learn how.
He's a monster, and a half-blood without a penny to his name, but he'd move heaven and earth if Sirius asked him. He'd do anything. And he'd be gentle. He can be gentle. He'd put the pieces of Sirius' mess together and hold them for the rest of their days.
If only.
But Remus isn't what Sirius wants. He's not what he needs. A monster has no business wanting to touch someone so preciously fragile.
James throws the cloak off him and hurries forward, Remus on his heels. Sirius is on the floor, rocking back and forth. His knees are bent into his chest and he's hugging himself like he can make himself small. Remus hates this. Sirius isn't small. He shouldn't want to be.
Sirius is a force of nature. He's electric. Bright. He's mesmerizing. His presence captures a room when he walks in, because people can't help but to be drawn to him. Sirius is many things, but small? Never.
James' knees hit the floor with a painful sounding thwack, but he doesn't even wince. "Pads?"
Remus crouches next to them. Sirius' face is hanging down, so they can't see it. But they can hear him now, and he's muttering "He's right. She's here. Here. He's right. She's here. Here." over and over again. He's hitting his chest with a weak fist, which makes Remus suspect where 'here' is. It's honestly heartbreaking.
Regulus Black is a dead man walking. Remus is going to kill him.
He didn't tell his friends about the episode when he defended Snivellius because it would only bring Sirius more pain, and Remus is against anything that would hurt Sirius. Besides, once he calmed down, he could see Regulus kind of did him a favour even if he didn't know it. Remus was… gone. He would have hurt Snivellius badly. Too badly. He would have got himself expelled.
So, Remus kept his mouth shut and made Peter promise to keep his shut, too. But this? Hell to the fucking no. Regulus Black is going to pay for hurting Sirius. Remus will see to it.
"Sirius," James says again, sliding a hand down his back in a comforting way. "Talk to me. What happened?"
He's not responsive. Remus isn't sure that Sirius can hear James. His heart is breaking in his chest, and outrage is blurring his senses, but Remus won't go after Regulus until he knows Sirius is okay. So he focuses. Focuses on the shaking lines of Sirius' shoulders, and the cords of muscles of his forearms, tight with the effort he's making to grip himself and keep his body coiled.
Sirius is breaking apart and the only thing that puts him back together is the one thing he never had until he met them. It should be James, but Remus can't bring himself to give up this chance to be close to Sirius.
Remus looks at James. "Help me move him?"
James waits for further instruction, nodding. It fills Remus with a sense of elation that James is trusting him with this. Because James and Sirius are something that he can't name, nor does he want to try. It feels holy, and if Remus tried to put a name to it, he'd be smitten by the deity on duty.
"Warmth and contact," Remus explains. James gets it immediately, and positions himself to help Remus.
He scoots closer to the wall until he can rest his back there, then Remus opens his legs and gestures in between. James gently pushes Sirius back, and he allows it. Either because he can tell his friends are trying to help or because he's complexly gone. But he allows it, and that's what matters.
Together, Remus and James manoeuvre Sirius until he's in the nook of Remus' body. And then, Remus slides his arms around Sirius' torso and gently tries to ease him backwards. Sirius' back on Remus' chest.
To his absolute shock, Sirius complies. He goes limp, lets his arms fall, and then he's resting on Remus' body like that's what he was waiting for all along. James waits, watching his friends for a sign that Sirius is coming back to them. Remus brushes Sirius' hair aside and presses his cheek against his head, muttering, "I've got you, Sirius. It's okay."
It takes a few minutes, but the comfort seems to finally get through to him and Sirius blinks. Looks up. "Prongs?" Sirius asks, looking at James who's hovering as close to them as he can get. "Moony?"
"Hey," James says.
"We're here," Remus says softly. His mouth is close to Sirius' ear.
Sirius relaxes further. James puts his hand on Sirius' knee, still bent up. "Are you alright?"
Sirius shakes his head. "I…" Remus' arms tighten at the broken tone of his voice. Sirius snuggles closer to him. Tries again. "Ran into Regulus."
James' jaw twitches. Remus wants to roll his eyes at his stupid friend. Obviously, whatever happened, the one who was hurt is Sirius. One only has to look at him. He's still shaking, even in the warmth of Remus' arms, and he sounds out of sorts. Regulus clearly did something despicable.
"What happened?" James asks calmly. "Are you hurt? Is he hurt?"
"No." He lets out a weak chuckle. "We didn't think to use our wands. Didn't even take them out."
Remus feels a bit of tension leak out of his shoulders at this. Whatever happened, Sirius isn't physically hurt. Doesn't make it any better, because not all pain is physical. But at least they don't have to factor a visit to the infirmary in all this. James seems to share the sentiment.
He takes off his glasses and runs a hand over his face. Puts them back on. Takes a deep breath. "What did he say to you?"
This is why they love him, Remus thinks. This is why James Potter is the glue that keeps them together, always. Through thick and thin. Because James is disgustingly besotted with Regulus, but he seems to know this was obviously his bloody fault. James is… he's the definition of good friend made flesh. Remus feels like literal shit for begrudging him his crush. Obviously, James has no intention of allowing that crush to get in the way of his friendships.
He even told Sirius about it, which Remus had to admit must have taken balls the size of planets.
"I think this was my fault," Sirius whispers. "It was my fault."
"No," Remus says immediately.
Sirius turns a little, until he can tilt his head up and look at him. Remus is glad for the worry, because it's keeping the desire at bay. He doesn't think he'd be able to withstand Sirius being this close to him, all dishevelled and looking like a fucking wet dream, if he wasn't so absolutely focused on ensuring that he's okay. Small mercies.
"I picked a fight with him," Sirius says. Remus can see that he means it. "He wanted to leave. Didn't want to engage. I didn't let him. And then… well."
"He can be mean," James says quietly. "He hurt you. Did you hurt him, too?"
Sirius closes his eyes, but Remus is pressed against him so he can still feel the little sob Sirius is trying to hide. He swallows it, and Remus feels it reverberating all through his gut. James' fingers are twitching. His eyes keep darting down the dark end of the corridor. Remus knows James won't leave Sirius' side. But he wants to.
"Prongs," Remus says reluctantly. "Go. Go check on him."
James shakes his head immediately, opens his mouth to protest. But Sirius surprises them all by saying, "Yes. Just. He said something about you… about you two," Sirius coughs, like the words burn his throat. "And I was… I was horrible. So yes. James. Go."
The expression on James' eyes is so tender it makes Remus want to die. He looks at Sirius like he can do no wrong. Like he's the best thing to ever happen to this world, and Remus is reminded that it is that sort of adoration that Sirius needs. Pure. Light. Bright. The warmth in James' gaze could heat up the entire castle during a snowstorm.
That is what Sirius needs. Sirius, who grew up in a house full of darkness and pain, doesn't need more of that. There's no place for all consuming. For overwhelming. Remus' feelings for Sirius are all wrong for so many reasons he can't even name them all, but chief of all is that Sirius needs what James' gives him. Nothing less.
"I love you," James says to Sirius. "And whatever you said, I forgive you. I know you, and I understand. Okay? I love you."
Sirius lets out a sound of pure relief, sad and broken, and then he throws himself forward into James' arms and they hug. Remus sighs, feeling a bit lighter because Sirius will be okay. There's a bit of aftermath to get through, but Remus can take care of him.
James leaves the cloak with them so they can get back to the dorms unseen, and takes the map to help him both locate Regulus and also avoid Filch and Norris on his own way back. As soon as James is out of sight, Sirius slumps back into Remus' chest.
"Moony," Sirius says. He's not looking up at him, instead staring straight ahead, at the opposite wall. "I need to ask you something."
Remus groans like he's annoyed, but it's all for show. "Go on."
Sirius smacks his lips, runs a hand over his face. "Do you think… I think I am…" To Remus' absolute horror, Sirius' voice breaks and then he's weeping.
Remus doesn't have an issue with Sirius crying. Or with any of his friends crying. It happens. They're tough lads with big reputations and know how to hold themselves together when it counts. But in the privacy of their dorm, they sometimes need to let it out. James cries most of all. Peter second. Sirius only cries when things are very dire, but it has happened. He's seen it. Remus doesn't really, though. He can't remember the last time he cried for any reason.
Anyway. Irrelevant. The point is that he's seen Sirius cry, but he's always had backup. James. James is always there to handle Sirius' breakdowns like a pro. Like only James can. Except this time, Sirius… wait.
"Hey," Remus says, adjusting his posture so that he can gather Sirius against his chest better. "Hey. It's okay. Pads. It's alright."
Sirius cries more. It's not loud. It's quiet and intimate, little sobs and hot tears against Remus' jumper. His shoulders shake with every one, but Sirius doesn't wail or give in to dramatics. Not when it really counts. The dramatics are for show. For attention.
This? This is Sirius hurting for real. Remus takes a breath. "Did you tell James to leave so he wouldn't see you cry?"
It's preposterous, because Sirius only cries with James. The mere idea that he would have held himself back on purpose is absurd. But…
"Yes," Sirius croaks. "Remus, I'm… Regulus said… he's…" He buries his face against Remus' chest again, and Remus can only hold him.
He presses his face against the crown of Sirius' head and whispers, "Your brother is a little shit, Sirius. You're smarter than to believe anything he says."
Sirius looks up, abruptly. Tears streaming down his flushed cheeks, clinging to his eyelashes. Fuck. Only Sirius Black could look this pretty when he's having a meltdown. Frankly outrageous. Remus can't even comfort him in peace without being accosted by his wants. But how can he when Sirius looks like this?
"But I think he's right," Sirius says desperately. "I'm… I'm a bigot."
Remus jerks violently.
"No," Sirius says. "Hear me out. I'm… Regulus implied that he and James… you know." And it makes Sirius blush so deeply it spreads down his neck. What a fucking moment for Remus to notice that Sirius' shirt is undone. Why is his shirt undone?
Remus glances around. Spots the broom closet, doors hanging open. The scene rearranges itself in his mind. Regulus catching Sirius and Addison making out. Regulus knocking points off them. Adele running away. Sirius picking a fight with Regulus.
"Moony?"
Remus blinks violently. Sirius needs him, for fuck's sake. He can't get distracted. "Listen to me," Remus says carefully. "Just because you don't want to hear about your little brother being sexual doesn't mean you're a bigot."
"But if it was a girl I'd like to know so I could give him tips," Sirius insists
It physically hurts Remus to hear this, but there's nothing to be done about it. Sirius likes girls. This is no one's fault. It's not better or worse. It just is, and Remus has to accept it and move on. Not bloody likely, seeing as he's been trying to move on for years now, but oh well.
"I'm the worst friend ever. I'm being homophobic towards James, Remus. What is wrong with me?"
Another broken sob crawls its way up Sirius' throat, and Remus feels his chest splinter. Sirius doesn't deserve this. He doesn't. He's got issues, and Remus knows this, but he doesn't begrudge him them because Sirius was abused for sixteen years before he got out. He's got scars no one can see and struggles with emotions and understanding them. It's all quite a lot for him to work through. If he takes a bit of time to adjust to the idea that his little brother and his best friend are gone for each other… well. Obviously, it would be best if Sirius needed no adjustment at all. But he's trying. That's enough. For Remus, that's enough.
"Sirius," Remus says. "First of all, you don't know that. You think you do, but you don't. Second of all, perhaps if it was a random boy you wouldn't have freaked out. But James is your brother, too."
"It's incest," Sirius says, nodding his head vehemently. "Right? It's so fucked up."
"You… are wrong but also not," Remus says. "This is a very fucking weird situation for you. Reacting badly to it doesn't make you a bigot."
Sirius takes a deep breath and puts his head on Remus' chest again. They stay like that for a while, in silence. Remus can feel Sirius' thinking. Going through it all in his head. Working on the ins and outs. Remus wishes he could tell Sirius that he's being ridiculous, but he can't. One's head has all the power, and Sirius' head can be vicious.
Without warning, Sirius sits up again and looks at Remus. "Regulus said I left the house, but I brought her with me. I think he's right, on some level."
Remus shakes his head, but Sirius brings his hand up and clamps it over his lips. Remus is shocked into silence and compliance.
"Listen before you start ranting," Sirius says. Honestly. The audacity. "I think a part of me is against the idea that my own blood would be... You know, a Black, being queer. Like. I don't have anything against other people. You know I don't! I'm all for it. But when it's... Reggie. Or... well. I freak out. I feel like it's… it's wrong. It feels wrong. I don't want to feel this way. I shouldn't. It's stupid. But I think I do. I think I've been feeling that way for a while, and I didn't know it. I think it's been messing with my head."
They hold each other's gazes for a moment, and Remus' gut starts practicing cha cha cha. There's something in Sirius' look that's making Remus hot all over. Hotter than normal. Because he's always flustered when it comes to Sirius, even if he's good at hiding it. But this is different. Remus doesn't know if it's good or bad different, or what it means. It just is.
"If this is true," Sirius says carefully. "If she's in my head, and making me… confusing me. How do I get rid of it, Moony? How do I get rid of her?"
Sirius lowers his hand. Remus looks at his friend. Searches his face. He finds fear but also determination. And Remus knows, deep down, that it's important. Sirius is working on something about himself, and he's asking Remus for help. It shows a level of trust in him that Remus doesn't know he deserves, but he'll be damned if he's not going to rise to the occasion.
For Sirius. Anything for Sirius. Because Remus loves him despite everything. In spite of everything. Remus loves him, and he'll never have him the way he wants to, but perhaps this is enough.
"Well. It's very likely you still have some internalised beliefs. You did grow up in a very prejudiced place," Remus says carefully. "But you can break them. I'm not an expert, but acknowledging them and then… kind of questioning them. You know? Just, talk to yourself about them. Why would this thing be bad? Most of the time you'll find you think so because you were told it is."
"It sounds so simple," Sirius says.
"It isn't," Remus tells him gently. "It's fucking hard, Pads. But you're tough as nails. If anyone can do it, it's you."
Sirius nods once. Then again, more firmly. "Okay. Yes." He twists fully, bringing himself face to face with Remus and practically straddling him. Remus goes still as a statue. His entire body is screaming at him because hasn't he had this exact fantasy before? Merlin's beard on fire. Sirius is going to kill him.
Oblivious, Sirius only looks at him and beams before ducking in for a tight hug. Unaware of the effect he's having on his friend. Of how close they are to each other. "Thank you, Moony."
Remus is going to need one long, long shower after this, but for now, he lets Sirius do as he will and simply says, "anytime, Pads."
Notes:
Regulus getting Myrtle to do his dirty work for him? He's a king. Seriously. He said 'I'm busy, I need to outsource' and went for it. Look at my little champion GO! He's getting ready for his plan and he won't be stopped!
Also, he will act on his newfound knowledge that James is his 'boyfriend' in the next chapter and I giggled so much when I wrote that I can't wait to post it 3
REMUS LUPIN REFUSING TO EVEN THINK THE NAME OF THE GIRL SIRIUS IS SEEING? HELP. He's so bitter. We stan a petty king. Wolfstar are finally, slowly, getting somewhere. Sirius, my babe, you've found the issue. Now please deal wiht it 3
Next update on Thursday :D