I slowly feel myself rise out of sleep. I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I open my eyes and get confused when I realize I am in Stef and Lena's room. I look at the clock and it is 11:00am. Stef and Lena are not in here so I assume they are downstairs. I slowly remember everything that happened last night. I told Stef and Lena that I love them. I wanted to be angry with myself but I couldn't, all I could do was smile. Even though it was really hard to say, it may be the most truthful thing I have ever said. I love this family with all my heart.
My mood immediately changes when I think about Jude. I can't believe that he knows. I don't know what to do. I sit up and pull my knees into my chest. I bury my head in my knees and silently cry. I don't want anyone to hear me. I just am so devastated he knows. Has he known since Liam's? I don't know what to do, or what to say to him. I could just lie and say it was a scratch, but I doubt he will believe that. I feel like my entire world just flipped upside down. My baby, my Jude, the thing I fought so long and hard to protect knows I cut myself. I can't have him think this is acceptable behavior. He can't think this is the answer. I don't care if I hurt myself, but the thought of Jude hurting himself absolutely devastates me. I am the example he has grown up with. I thought I was protecting him, but maybe I am not good enough for him. I failed. I failed Jude. He deserves better than me. I am not good enough to be the person he looks up to. I wonder if Jude will say something to Stef and Lena? Should I tell Stef and Lena that he knows? As much as I don't want to, maybe I should. He needs someone who can explain it is not okay and I think that it would look really bad if it came from me, the one who actually does it. He needs a strong adult. He needs Stef and Lena. He doesn't need me.
I hear footsteps on the stairs. I really don't want to deal with anyone. I quickly wipe my face and crawl under the covers. I try to slow my breathing and keep it very even so that it seems like I am asleep. I am pretty sure it is Stef and Lena. After a couple weeks here I was able to determine who was coming up the steps just by the way they walk.
I hear the door open and try to stay calm, focusing on my breathing. They are the two most observant parents in the world. If I want them to think I am asleep, I am going to have to focus and work very hard. I hear the door open. I am tempted to take a peek but I know they are looking right at me. Focus. Breathe.
"Do you think she is still asleep?" Stef whispers.
"I am not sure, but I don't know if we should wake her up or not." Lena answers. "We need to talk to her. I have never seen her so upset. We need to know what is going on but I know she is so exhausted." Breathe Callie. Don't cry, don't cry, just focus. You can do this.
"Something is bothering Jude too." I hear Lena add
"Maybe he is just worried about Callie. He is probably wondering why she didn't sleep in Mariana's room. Mariana said he went in there this morning and started panicking when he couldn't find Callie. He is definitely worried about her." Stef whispers quietly. I am honestly surprised they don't know I am awake. They know everything. Oh crap, I stopped breathing for a second. Keep going.
"We are worried about you too, Callie." Stef says in a regular voice. Shoot. I sit up and open my eyes. They are filled with tears.
"Morning." I say carefully. I quickly rub my eyes and blink away the tears.
"Good Morning sweets. Listening to our conversation now, were you?" Stef says playfully.
"Technically you came into the room I was in and started talking in front of me. Not really my fault" I answered.
"I guess you are right lovebug, but I am impressed with your fake sleeping skills. I think that is the record for the longest any kid has tricked us." I start to smile with victory. I may have screwed up but they actually thought I was sleeping.
"Yes, but now we know your tricks," Lena said playfully. I lose my smile.
"Tricks?" I say grumpily. I hear them both chuckle.
"Oh yes sweetheart, you gave away your fake sleeping pattern to us. Now we will know when it is real and when it is not."
"You will not." I say crossing my arms.
"Oh yes, Moms know everything and are always one step ahead of their kids. Don't forget that." Stef loves banter. I am pretty sure she would talk like this 24/7 if Lena would let her.
"Maybe almost always." I grin evilly.
"Almost?" Lena asks curiously. Crap, now she is even more curious about what I am hiding. I quickly cover my tracks.
"You thought I was sleeping just now, but I wasn't."
"True, but we are still learning things, so thanks for showing us your trick." I just groan. Stef and Lena chuckle and sit on the bed across from me. The mood in the room gets instantly serious as soon as they sit down. They don't even say anything, they just look up at me. Waiting for me to speak.
I decide now or never. They need to talk to Jude. They need to let him know that it is not okay. He needs strong people to be his role model. I am nothing of the sort. I look up at Lena and Stef. I bring my knees up to my chest and stare Lena directly in the eye. I choose Lena because her and Jude seem to have this deep connection. They are almost identical.
"Jude knows." I look at her as tears fall out of my eyes. Stef starts to move closer to me but I put up my hand. "Don't. I can't fall apart. I need you to hear this." Stef looks hurt but nods and sits back. I watch Lena grab her hand. I stare at their hands for a few moments. They love each other so much. The love in this house is so beautiful but for someone like me who barely knows what love is, it can be overwhelming.
"He knows I am cutting. He figured it out last night before I came into your room. He followed me downstairs—"
"Why were you downstairs in the middle of the night?" Stef asks calmly but I can see the panic in her eyes.
"Uhh, I needed some water," I say quickly.
"Water?" Lena asks carefully.
"Yes, water" I snap back. I raised my voice too. Whoops.
"Hey, don't talk to your mother that way, understand?" Stef said sternly.
"As I was saying," I say grumpily. Stef eyes me sternly. I continue anyway. "I went to get water and Jude found me. He could tell I was distraught. He said he was worried about me and I started being short with him." My shoulders slump guilty and hurt as I think about how I treated him. "Jude says I looked sick so he said he was going to get you guys." Stef and Lena smile at this. They love when their kids come to them for help. I can't help but think that is a little weird. Don't they get tired of five kids? I want to stop. I don't want to open up, but I need them to take care of Jude. "He started walking up the stairs and I got mad at him and begged him not to come get you guys." I saw Stef and Lena's eyes sadden when I said that. I start to feel bad but shrug it off so I keep my courage to continue." He started freaking out and saying that I was acting how I was when I was at L.." Oh my god. Damn, I almost said Liam's name. What the heck is wrong with me?! My breathing starts to increase. Stef is looking at me fully alert with extreme interest. I look at her and see the cop in her. I know what I said just caused a red flag to go up in her head.
I feel my breathing increase. I know Stef and Lena can hear it. I need to think of something fast before I start to have a panic attack. I carefully adjust my arms around my legs so Stef and Lena can't see my fingers. I need pain, I need relief, and I need to calm down. I take my nails and dig them into my skin as forcefully as I can without making it too obvious. I just stare at the ground digging my nails into my legs waiting for them to say something. Stef quickly grabs my hands and scoots right next to me. She holds my hands in hers and squeezes tightly.
"Hurting yourself isn't the answer baby." How the hell did she know I was doing that? I look to Lena who I think has caught on as she tries to keep her eyes from watering. I quickly throw myself out of Stef's embrace and stand at the side of the bed.
"Look, Jude said to me last night I know you are hurting yourself. He pushed my sleeve up and saw the bandages. He can't think that this is acceptable for him to do! You can't let him think he can do this! I am not good enough for him. I need you to tell him. Tell him I am a screw up and to not follow my example. He needs to know this. He needs to! PLEASE!" I finish yelling at them and fall to my knees and start to cry. I can't do this.
"I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this." I think I am chanting this in my head but I am not. I start to get embarrassed but don't even care. I am on the ground in hysterics with my head in my hands rocking back and forth.
Lena slowly approaches me but I scamper further away from her. I see her eyes soften. It looks as if I am terrified she is going to hurt me. I just yelled at them. I don't think they are going to hurt me, I think they are going to comfort me. I don't deserve comfort or help.
"Callie," Stef says. She is still up on the bed. She is looking down at me. I can't read her emotions and I don't like that.
"We are not going to hurt you."
"I know you aren't. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve this family. I am WORTHLESS don't you see?!" I start to stand up. "Jude knows what I did. He saw! I fought my entire life to protect him and now it doesn't even matter. I have gotten beaten and hurt extremely badly for him. I have never let people touch him or hurt him but then he sees me hurting myself. All my progress, everything I have done is ruined. I don't deserve to be alive." I lean against the wall and slide down it into a sitting position. I don't cry. I don't move. I am breathing normally. I have just accepted my fate. I don't deserve to be here. I can't feel anything.
I feel hands on my chin and am looking into the eyes of Lena. Stef is sitting next to her and is staring at me.
"You deserve to be here Callie. YOU deserve everything. You are NOT worthless. You are my whole life. I do not want you talking that way about MY daughter. I would be so lost without you. I would NEVER ever get over losing you. If I lost you, it would kill me." Lena pauses and takes a deep breath. "Jude is so lucky to have you. You cannot have such high standards for yourself. You need to realize that you are human and you make mistakes. I have never seen such a stronger love in my entire life like the love you have for Jude. You are 14 baby. You will make mistakes. You will hurt, but the thing is you do NOT have to do it alone. I am here forever and am not going anywhere. You can scream, you can push me away physically or emotionally but I will be here for you for eternity. Nothing, not even death, will be able to stop my love for you."
I look up at the sincerity and intensity in Lena's eyes. I love her. I love her so much.
"I can't do it Lena."
"Can't do what sweetheart?"
"This, life. I hurt. I hurt everyday. I am always in pain, I always feel so alone. I can't find any reason to stay here. I just want to die. I never thought I could go because of Jude, but now he has both of you to take care of him. I am not needed." I can't believe I am saying this but it is true. "I don't care anymore so you might as well know the truth. I have got nothing to lose"
"Baby you can not give up!" Stef says. "I love you so much. You are NOT alone. We LOVE YOU more than anything else in this entire world. We will be here for you. We have got you. We will talk to Jude okay? We will explain that this is not an appropriate behavior and explain better ways to deal with feelings. You need to come to us. We are here. We are going to get through this and we are not going anywhere. Will you please let us in, love? I can't bear the thought of losing you. Neither could Jude. He needs his sister."
"Sweetheart I need to ask you a hard question" Lena pauses and looks at Stef. Stef knows what she is about to ask. I see Stef look at me and get next to me. She pulls me in between her legs wrapping her arms around me. They already know my weaknesses. They know I will break down and let them in when I am being held. It is my love language. It is the way to show me love the most.
"My sweet girl, I need you to answer me honestly okay?" I nod. "No honey, I need you to say that you promise. You told me you never make promises you can't keep so I need to hear you promise me."
"How do I know I can promise to answer honestly if I don't know the question?" I feel Stef stroking my hair.
"Trust us, sweets. Trust that we will take care of you no matter what. You can promise before you know the question because you can trust us." I look at Lena. I look in her eyes, searching for her emotions. I feel her love. I close my eyes. I feel Stef holding me tightly but not capturing me. She is giving me a choice to an extent. I keep debating for five minutes. Until I hear a voice in my head. A voice that I would be able to recognize anywhere. I swear to God it is my mom and I hear her say, "Trust them, they are safe." My eyes flew open and I start to think I am going insane. But I can't help but feel that my mom is watching over me.
"I promise." I whisper. I see Lena smile and scoot as close to me as possible.
"I know this is going to be hard Callie, but I need you to answer me this question, do you ever think of suicide?" My eyes widen. Yes, all the time! I want to scream that. Are they going to send me to a mental hospital? I don't make promises I can't keep. I am pretty sure they know my answer because it has taken me so long to respond.
"Yes", I whisper. I feel Stef stiffen the slightest bit and then I feel her try to relax.
"Do you have a plan to hurt yourself?"
"No, I do not." I answer honestly.
"Do you want to die Callie?" Stef asks calmly. This is the first time she has spoken in about 20 minutes. Just like Stef and Lena to be strong for each other. When one is struggling, the other takes over.
"I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop." I say
"That is understandable my love. I want the pain to stop for you too, but death and suicide, that isn't the answer." Her voice is shaky.
"I don't think anyone would be that devastated if I left." I say looking down. Stef turns me around so I am looking directly into her eyes. There are tears flowing rapidly down her face.
"Callie baby, please don't think that. Don't ever leave me. I need you. I will help you find your worth. I will do everything in my power to try and make you feel happy. Just please, PLEASE don't give up on me. I am telling you that I would be devastated. I would never recover from your death. It would destroy Lena and I. Baby, I am here. We are going to get you help."
"I am sorry." I whisper.
"Don't apologize, you are opening up and trusting us. You are being honest. It is SO important that you be honest with us. Do you know that?" Lena asks. I turn towards her and nod. She is crying as well.
"I am sorry for making you both cry."
"Sweets, we are crying because we love you so much it hurts. Crying because it scares us that you would leave. We love you so much, so much that we cannot help but cry. Don't apologize. We are crying because we love you more than anything in this entire world. You are our child, and our children mean the world to us."
"I love you both." I say quietly.
"I love you too, my sweet Callie girl" Lena says.
"And I love you as well my beautiful daughter" Stef says wiping her face.
"Do you think everyone heard me yell?" I ask embarrassed.
"No sweets, we sent them to lunch and a movie so we could talk with you."
"They are not going to like me if you keep sending them away for me."
"Oh my love," Stef begins, "they love you so much and besides we gave them money to go have fun", Stef chuckles, "they are probably having a blast." I smile. Jude is with his, OUR, new siblings and is safe.
"Do you still want to adopt me?" I ask.
"There is nothing more Stef or I want in this entire world than to adopt you and Jude, Calliel." I smile with tears in my eyes.
"How did I get so lucky to find you guys?"
"We are the lucky ones baby, we have found our daughter. It took you a while to get home, but you finally made it." Lena says, kissing my head. I stand up and they look at me confused.
"I need to tell you guys something. Something serious. It is about my dream. I need to tell you before you adopt me. I need you to know all of me so I know that you truly want me."
"Love, we wouldn't change our mind no matter what." Stef said confidentially.
"You say that and I want nothing more than to believe you but I just need to do this okay? I trust you both but I want this to be real and genuine. I want you to know me before I become your daughter."
"Whatever you would like, sweetheart, but you are already our daughter." Lena says as her and Stef stand up.
"When will everyone be back?" I asked, trying to see how much time I have.
"Not for at least two hours."
"Can I shower first? I am all sticky and gross."
"Yes," Stef said, "but in our room, with the door open, understand?"
"Yes, let me just get clothes." I walk out of their room and into my room. I shut the door but it is immediately opened and I see Stef sit on Mariana's bed watching me get clothes.
"Seriously?" I say full of attitude.
"Attitude, Sweets. I am not trying to be overbearing but you just told us that you have thoughts of suicide. I know it is going to be rough, but we don't want you being alone for a little while. I was serious when I said I couldn't handle losing you, so if this is what it takes, so be it. For just a little while until we can help with those thoughts, we will be with you at all times. I am sorry love, but you are too precious to risk." I can't help but feel loved at what she just said. No one has ever referred to me as precious. If I weren't so annoyed I would smile.
"Whatever," I say slamming my drawers and walking into the kids bathroom. I do this just to annoy Stef. We are so alike it kills me. But I am stubborn and I want to shower here.
"What do you think you are doing?" Stef asks, following me in looking angry.
"What does it look like?" I ask smugly, turning on the water. Stef comes over and turns it off.
"Callie, we told you the rules. You are already grounded because of your behavior but we can add on more time for attitude too." I roll my eyes at her.
"You are pushing it there love bug."
"I WANT to shower in here." I say loudly. I see Lena walking in with her arms crossed.
"Callie, I know it is easier for you to put up walls of anger, especially after you just let us in, but that doesn't mean you get to treat us with disrespect," Lena says. "Please get your stuff, go in our room, get in the shower, and leave the door open. That is the rule. You are doing so great we have made so much progress. Let's just get through these next few hours calmly, alright?" I look up at her, roll my eyes and nod.
"Oh dear Callie, you will stop rolling your eyes if you know what is good for you." Stef says harshly. I look at her with an evil smirk.
"Go!" Lena says a little harshly.
"Yes ma'am," I say sarcastically and do as I am told. I walk into the bathroom as they stand in the door. I glare at them and sigh loudly. I start to exaggerate my behavior and make it overly clear that I am annoyed. I get in the shower and hear Stef and Lena talking. I can't make out what they are saying. I turn the water on and instantly relax as the warm water hits me back.
Lena's point of View:
I hear Callie turn the shower on and sigh in relief. I am sitting on the toilet afraid to leave the room. I know she will be fine. All there is in the shower is shampoo, conditioner and soap. There is nothing she can hurt herself with. I decided to walk out to find Stef laying on our newly made bed. I smile because she knows I hate when the bed is messy. I crawl and lay down next to her. I throw my legs over hers and sigh.
"That attitude was a little unexpected but normal. Man, and I thought Mariana was dramatic. That was almost as bad. Callie is trying to put her walls down and her emotions are getting confused. At least she feels safe enough to get angry and challenge us. Those challenges are actually a breakthrough. If she feels safe enough to do that she knows that we won't get angry and send her away. I have a feeling we have a lot more headed our way." I say looking at Stef
" I think so too, my love. Callie has emotions going in many directions. So it is safe to say that we should expect anger, hurt, crying, cuddling, and much more." I chuckle at Stef, she is such a kid but I love her more than anything.
"Are you scared for what Callie is going to tell us?" I ask her carefully.
"I am not sure. I have a feeling whatever it is, it was not her fault. I think someone hurt her but I am not positive."
"She makes it sound like she committed a crime. But my gut tells me she is not at fault. That girl couldn't hurt anyone. She is so misunderstood. She loves people so much and is always putting others first." I say.
"I know, which is why I have a feeling whatever she tells us is going to hurt us even more. I am scared, Lena. We need to get her into counseling right away. I can't lose her." I watch tears roll down Stef's cheeks.
"I know Stef, I am too. I actually looked this morning and set an appointment for her on Tuesday. I tried to do it tomorrow but they are closed on Sunday's, unless it is an emergency. She admitted she doesn't want to die and doesn't have a plan so it is not an emergency but it could become one, which is why we can't let her be alone." I say sadly. "My heart is breaking. My beautiful, sweet, loving girl is hurting so bad and I feel so helpless." My voice cracked as I fight back sobs. Stef looks at me and comes closer holding me tight.
"We will be okay, our love is strong enough to keep her here. I know it is." I smile at my wife's heart. So big and full of love. Everyone thinks I am the sensitive one, but when it comes to our children, she is the same.
"I think so too." I agree.
"Do you think they will suggest medication?" Stef asks almost hesitantly.
"I was wondering too. I am not sure. I think they will evaluate her and try to decide if she needs it. Why do you think medication is bad?" I asked her confused about the way she asked the question.
"Oh no love, but I can see Callie just resenting the idea of taking pills. Don't you?"
"Yeah, unfortunately I think we would have to be on her ten times more than we are with Jesus for his ADHD meds and we have to remind him twice a day. But we will get through whatever we have to for Callie."
"I agree with you, my beautiful woman." Stef says. I look at Stef and smile. I can't help but lean over and give her a passionate kiss. She groans and pulls away.
"Okay, you have to stay away from me until Callie is safe to be alone. Every little thing you do is turning me on." I burst out laughing.
"Well, you could always help yourself." Stef looks at me shocked. I just giggle.
"You know Stef, you and Callie are the same person. Both stubborn but so full of love towards your family. It amazes me. Sometimes when I talk to her I think I am talking to you."
"I know," I see Stef smile proudly. "I feel like I have been searching for Callie my whole life. Her and Jude finally complete our family."
"Yes, and we have the best family in the world." I say snuggling closer to Stef.
"Alright love, I am going to get Callie, it has been fifteen minutes. That was more than I was planning on giving her." Stef says standing up. I watch my beautiful wife walk into the bathroom and I can't help but feel I am so lucky to have her by my side.
Callie's point of view:
I know that I probably should get out soon but I am trying to soak up the time alone. I have a feeling I won't be getting it for a while. I want to cut, but know I have no way of doing so. I honestly think cutting will give me more courage to actually tell them about Liam. It helps take my emotions away. I am not sure if I should even try to be sneaky. Maybe I can try and figure out how to cut after I tell them. Then I know I will get the release I need if I push through the conversation. I can't help but think I how messed up I am. I need to think about cutting to get through a conversation.
I am interrupted by my thoughts when I hear Stef say, "Alright Sweets it is time to get out. You have been in there too long."
"Fine," I say grumpily. "I have to rinse off." Really I just want to push Stef a little. I don't know why I want to challenge her so bad. But something inside me just feels the desire to see how far she will go before she doesn't want me here.
I turn the water off and put my head through the shower curtain. I come to see Stef's smiling face. She hands me my towel. I look at her irritated.
"Can you get out please?" I say grumbling
"Yes, I will leave."
"Can you shut the door?" I say angrily.
"Callie, seriously? You already know I am not going to shut the door. So why even ask? The answer is no. Shut this door and you won't get privacy even when you are changing. I am not messing around. Now please change so we can talk." Stef winks at me and walks out.
I quickly change and start to look around. I wonder if there is anything sharp hidden in here. I quietly open a drawer and see a bunch of makeup. I close it a little more loudly than I hoped. I don't hear anything so I move to the draw below. There is a bunch of random stuff. I start digging through it.
"Looking for something?" I hear Stef say.
"Shit!" I jump and close the drawer. "You scared me."
"Callie Quinn AdamsFoster, you have been swearing too much in the last few days. The next time I hear a swear word come out of your mouth I will be adding on a day to your grounding. Got it?" Lena says. I have never seen her get so angry.
"It's Callie Quinn Jacobs actually." I remind her.
"Really?" Stef says annoyed. "Well it will be changing soon, so she was practicing. What were you looking for Callie?" Shoot. I start thinking quickly for anything that would make sense.
"Uhm… Q-tips!" I say a little loudly.
"Q-tips?" Lena says knowing that is not what I was looking for.
"Yes." I say smiling. "Those are soft, don't worry. I really don't think I could draw blood even if I pressed really hard. I might be able to if I can prevent them from bending but I doubt it considering that I would have to push extremely hard and I don't think I am that strong." I look up and see anger on both their faces. I guess I shouldn't have said that. Stef takes a step towards me and I take a step back. She moves her arm to reach for me but I cower down to my knees and put my hands up over my head. In my head I know Stef was trying to comfort me but my emotions are so screwed up that I am naturally used to cowering when I make someone angry.
I feel gentle hands touch my arms and slowly remove them from my position. I look up and see Lena very carefully pull me up to my feet. She looks at me carefully. She drops my hands and steps closer. I step back. Suddenly I am not here. I am at an old foster home. I keep getting confused. I keep remembering things I forgot the more I dig up my past and the feelings I have with those emotions are affecting me. I am picturing an angry look on one of my foster fathers face as he comes towards me ready to hit me. I can feel how scared I was in that moment and it is flowing through my body.
"Callie?" I look over to Lena and Stef.
"Callie sweets are you okay?" I look at Lena. I realized I am all the way on the other end of the bathroom pressed against the wall.
"I am sorry." I watch them carefully make their way over to me. I let them hug me. I pull away from them. I grab their hands and walk them to their bed.
"Sit please." They look at me, then each other and slowly sit on the end of the bed. I stay standing in front of them.
"I need to tell you guys something." I search their eyes.
"You can tell us anything Callie, right Stef?"
"Yes love. We are listening." Stef answers.
"Most of my homes have been abusive in some way. Whether it was physical or emotional. When we were in the bathroom, I had a flashback from an old home. I was feeling what I did in the past presently, so I felt like I was going to be hit, even though deep down I know you won't hurt me. Does that make sense?"
"Yes," Stef said, "So even though you know we aren't going to hurt you, you were still feeling the emotions from that past that caused you to think you were in danger?"
"Exactly. I am sorry I am such a mess." I am trying not to cry so I bite my lip.
"It is okay sweetheart. You are not a mess, just hurting." Lena begins to stand up. I put my hand up.
"Please no, whenever you guys touch me I completely break down. I will cry. I need to talk before I lose courage. I am not trying to push you away, I just want to say this before I can't do it anymore. Ok?" I watch them both nod. "Now I need to tell you about Liam."
Please let me know what you think - Stefanina123