Emily rolled off of Alex, panting, and settled on the bed next to her.
"I'm sorry," Alex whispered, doing her best to contain the sobs that wanted to erupt past her lips.
Emily propped herself up on her elbow. "Oh, Alex, no..." she murmured, reaching over to brush away a tear that had escaped to roll down her cheek. "It's okay."
"I'm trying," she insisted desperately.
"I know," Emily agreed. "I know how hard you're trying."
Alex sniffled, squeezed her eyes shut tight. "You deserve better," she choked out. She'd been feeling this way for some time, but hadn't wanted to voice it for fear that Emily might agree...
"No," Emily said steadfastly. "Absolutely not, Alex."
"But..."
Her stare seemed to dare Alex to finish her sentence. "No, Alex. I genuinely couldn't care less about this." A beat. "Not that I don't want you to cum, it's just...not the only thing the matters," she amended.
Alex attempted a smile, but it was clear she didn't truly believe that.
"Ally, I need you to listen to me," Emily said firmly, tipping Alex's chin so she was forced to meet her gaze. "I love you exactly the way you are. The sex doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Not that I don't love having sex with you, but if it never happened again, I would still love you."
She attempted a smile, but it was weak, not reaching her eyes.
Emily had always had an extremely high sex drive. It was one of the first things Alex had learned about her upon having moved in together. At the time, they'd both been in their early twenties and Alex had assumed that it was something that would decrease over time. It hadn't.
"You shouldn't have to settle," Alex maintained, though her voice was soft and almost sheepish.
Emily's expression was compassionate, but still stern. "I'm not settling now and I never have nor will. Emily Prentiss has always gotten exactly what she wants and what she wants is you. Exactly the way you are." She cupped Alex's cheek, tenderly smudging away a tear with her thumb.
Leaning into the touch, Alex's eyes fluttered shut, a shuddering exhale escaping past her lips. "I want to believe you..." she said.
"But your depression lies to you," Emily finished for her. It wasn't what Alex was going to say, but it was the truth.
She nodded slightly.
"And before you try to apologize for that," Emily continued, "Your brain chemistry is not your fault either."
She closed her mouth before the words could escape, given that she'd been about to apologize for exactly that. She hated feeling like this, hated the inescapable dark thoughts that clouded her rational thoughts until all she could see and feel and think was morbid and black. She wanted to feel better, to be better...to be the kind of wife Emily deserved.
Maybe that's why it was so hard to believe that Emily really and truly loved her: because deep down inside, she felt like there was someone out there who could love Emily better.