Chapter 4: Crush

Notes:

Hello!

This chapter a lil' bit shorter, but that's because next one is nice and long (the party!). There's some Wolfstar here, too!

TWs

Homophobia

Fire and burns (there's an accident, and something catches on fire)

Insomnia and Reg's dependency on the draught

Lots of swearing

Reference to abusive household and childhood (Walburga is a bad mother)

I hope you enjoy!

Chapter Text

James is in trouble.

Normally, he would go to Sirius with his woes, except his woes are currently lean, green eyed and spiteful. He cannot go to Sirius about the fact that he's pretty sure he's developing a crush on his little brother. Sirius would lose his shit, understandably.

But how is he supposed to not?

Regulus is so… he's just… he's so… Regulus. Mean. Arrogant. Unbothered. He didn't even flinch when Sirius shoved him against a wall! Who does that? Who keeps their composure when they're about to be pummelled by their older brother? It's just not… it's intriguing, is what it is.

Just how calm and collected and lovely Regulus is. He wears rings, which like, fine, he guesses, until Regulus decides to play with them. This, James thinks, should be forbidden. It's just. James' brain is broken. Like he can't process all the ways Regulus is beautiful at once, because there are too many.

James is in trouble and he can't go to Sirius about it. This has never happened before. It's disconcerting, disorienting. He feels lost. Adrift in the middle of the ocean with no flotation device.

But he cannot bother Sirius with this. Not yet, anyway. He will if it gets critical, but James is hopeful that he can still save himself.

So, instead of going to Sirius, James does the next best thing which is finding Moony. Remus is doing well, because the full moon was right before the start of school so he's on the way up now and doesn't have to worry about it for another three or so weeks. James has also stolen a bar of chocolate from Peter's trunk, which he fully intends to replace, to help smooth things over with Remus if needed. By this, James means bribe. He's not above bribing his friend for help.

Remus is in the library with Lily Evans. James doesn't mind this, because girls are much wiser than boys and she might take pity on him and share some advice. He just has to be careful so that they don't figure out who the object of his… eh… problems is (because he cannot and will not think of the word desire anywhere near the idea of Regulus lest he passes out).

"Remus," he says cheerfully. "Evans."

They both shush him immediately, which only makes him grin as he drops himself into a chair across from them. "I need your help."

Remus and Lily look up. Remus narrows his eyes and asks, "our help?"

James nods, trying for his most angelic face. "I need advice. About… well. I have a crush."

Lily's eyes - very pretty, very green - almost fall out of their sockets. "I beg your pardon?"

"No need to beg, Evans," James jokes, smiling. "I have a crush and I don't know how to get rid of it. I was hoping you could help."

"Lily," she says. The silence that follows is heavy, like something momentous just happened. She shrugs. "I mean, we've been in school together for seven years. You can call me Lily."

James blinks, surprised. Remus also glances at Lily, but she seems unfazed.

"Are you sure?" James asks.

Lily rolls her eyes. "Of course I'm sure."

Remus nudges her shoulder with his. A playful smile on his lips that James finds confusing, but will allow because whilst things improved considerably between himself and Lily during last year, he never thought they'd get here. Not after he spent all of fifth year trying to get her to go out with him by doing increasingly stupid and embarrassing shit.

"That's… nice. Lily," James says. "Obviously, you should only refer to me as Your Highness from now on…"

Lily giggles. She giggles. James is equal parts delighted and confused. Remus clears his throat and stands up. "I think Lily is more than capable of imparting some romantic advice, James, so I'll leave you to it. I need to return my books to the dorm before Prefect patrol and I'm running late."

James wants to argue. He needs Remus. As in, he's sure Lily gives beautiful advice but he's just not as comfortable with her. But Remus is already retreating and he doesn't want to offend Lily when she's just been so nice to him. So he stays.

"You said you have a crush?" Lily asks him gently. James nods. "And you want to get rid of it?"

James sighs. "This person doesn't like me back, so I'd like this… feeling to go away."

"How do you know they don't like you back? Have you told them?"

"No. I can't tell them. Trust me, Lily, that's not an option. But I'm positive that they do not like me back. Not even a little bit," James says cheerfully, even though voicing this doesn't feel so good. "It's okay. It's just a crush, and I caught it early. I just want it to go away so I can find the love of my life."

Lily is blushing for some reason. Perhaps she's a romantic. It suits her, James thinks. Lily seems like the kind of girl to believe in love. He likes this.

She studies him for a moment, then says, "well you've got two options. You can either date someone else, or you try to wait it out and maybe speed the process of getting over it along by focusing on all the bad things about this person."

James opens his mouth, but Lily cuts him. "They have bad things. Don't even. Everyone has flaws. No one is perfect, nor should they be in order to be worthy of love. Just find what they are and try to make a big deal of them in your head. Hopefully, it'll put you off."

"That's your recommendation? Not dating someone else?"

Lily shrugs. "It would be unfair to that other person. Unless you told them you're dating them only to get over a crush, but I doubt many people would agree to that."

James nods along. She makes so much sense. "Yeah. I don't want to do that. Okay, so I'll focus on the annoying bits? Yeah? The bad. Like… I mean, the main reason I have a crush is that he's gorgeous. Personality-wise I'm not sure there's anything salvageable. So. Yeah."

Lily's sitting very still, big, green eyes attentive. She gives him a small smile. "If you can avoid them, it should be easy. If the crush is purely physical attraction. You'll be fine, Your Highness."

James laughs out loud. Full on chortles. It's so unexpected, but it feels so good. Lily giggles too. Unfortunately, this catches the attention of Mrs. Pince, who kicks them both out of the library. James carries Lily's books for her because his mother raised a gentleman and they walk back to Gryffindor Tower together.

"I'm sorry I got you kicked out of the library," he says after a short, comfortable silence.

"It was my first time," Lily says, grinning. "Could have been worse. A detention."

James makes an outraged noise, exaggerating it when Lily giggles again. "Don't tell me you've gone through six years of Hogwarts and never had a detention."

Lily simply shrugs. "I'm smart enough not to get caught."

Oh, she's cheeky. He likes it. He likes it a lot. He's been sleeping on Lily Evans as a friend. He wishes he could go back and tell his fifteen year old self to stop being a twat and trying to woo her with ridiculous schemes. He should have simply tried being her friend.

"Don't tempt me," he says. "We've sworn to let go of our old habits this year, but I might have to pull a prank just to rope you into a detention with me. You know, so you get the full Hogwarts experience."

Lily purses her lips like she's considering, but before she can reply two Prefects turn the corner and begin walking towards them down the corridor. A pair of eyes so familiar and yet completely alien to him snag on the books he's cradling against his chest before meeting his. James' breath catches because Regulus is still beautiful. This is fact and nothing James can do will ever change it.

Next to him, a soft noise of distress escapes Lily and it's enough for him to tear his gaze away from Regulus and notice that the person walking with him is none other than Snivellius. Honestly.

It hasn't escaped any of the seventh year Gryffindor's notices that Lily cut ties with Snivellius sometime in their sixth year for good. Things had started to go south towards the end of their fifth, but the true severance of Severus Snape happened last year. Since then, Lily avoids him like the plague.

Except they're in a long corridor with no option but to walk past them or turn around and retreat. This would be humiliating, so James resolutely decides that he won't allow Lily to run. Lily Evans doesn't fucking run. Not on his watch.

"Play along," James mutters under his breath a second before he shifts the weight of the books onto his left arm so he can put his right over Lily's shoulders.

She leans into him comfortably, like they've been doing this for years. They keep walking like this, not caring it's kind of obvious they're putting on a bit of a show. Snivellius is so tense there's a vein pulsing on his forehead. He's clenching his jaw so hard James half expects to hear a tooth crack as they get closer to passing each other in the hallway.

He tries. He really tries very hard not to look at Regulus because he's supposed to be getting over his inconvenient bout of horniness where he's concerned. But James has never had good impulse control. It's something he has in common with Sirius, which has led them astray on many memorable occasions.

So he looks. Of course he looks. Regulus is right there. And he's scowling which, for some inexplicable reason, James likes. If he could, he'd press his finger against the wrinkles between his brows. He'd smooth the frown over with the gentle pads of his fingers and…

Regulus lifts his eyebrows when he catches him looking, a mocking grin flitting across his lips. Fuck. Regulus' mouth is most definitely not where he should be focusing. Except… Regulus is looking back, isn't he? James almost trips over his feet. They're within touching distance now, and he's… well. Regulus caught him staring but he hasn't said anything. He's just… allowing it.

Why?

They pass each other and just like that Regulus is out of James' field of vision. Lily's still against his side—he'd momentarily forgotten about her—and the steps of the two boys are receding.

"Thanks," Lily mutters, delicately extricating herself from under James' arm.

He smiles at her, and hopes to Godric that she's shaken enough about her run in with Snivellius to notice how fake it is. "Anytime."

They don't really say another word until they reach the common room and mutter goodbyes.

Regulus' dorm is too crowded for a Thursday evening. He doesn't enjoy it, but he understands his friends do, so he endures it. Personally, he prefers smaller groups. One to one interactions are less overwhelming for him—Barty and Evan count as one person to him, so he accepts them together—but he can't always get his way. Tragic, he knows. But it's the way of the world and Regulus has more important things to worry about.

He's also in a fairly bad mood. He's been morose for two days, and while he can't quite put a finger on why this is, he's allowing it to pull him down into a place of quiet. He speaks only when necessary, and spends the rest of the time in his mind. Planning. Thinking. Plotting. Scheming. Vengeance is hard work.

So. All of that is to say that he's allowing his friends to invade his space with the suffering air of a grandmother overwhelmed by her visiting grandchildren because they've caught onto the fact that something's off and they've refused to give him yet another evening of peace and quiet.

Regulus would much rather be sulking, but alas. Company is being forced upon him.

He's on his bed, legs crossed. Pandora's perched at the end, looking entirely at home in the Slytherin boys dorm. Dorcas is sprawled over Evan's bed, munching on a chocolate frog, because Evan is star fishing on Barty's. He's on the floor, his back against his bedframe. Evan's hand brushes the top of Barty's hair every so often. Neither boy seems to notice. Or they do, and simply don't want to acknowledge it.

Regulus has no idea where Edward Selwyn is, which is a good thing because he still wants to strangle him for being so idiotic as to try and recruit Sirius 'I'm obsessed with my hair' Black to the Dark Lord's side.

Honestly. Regulus could kill him. He might.

He suspects Selwyn knows this because he's been avoiding Regulus at all costs.

Barty and Evan are arguing whether it's true that muggles put small people inside boxes and make them perform stage plays for their entertainment. Regulus knows this isn't how a television works but his friends' heated discussion is too entertaining. Besides, he's pretty certain Barty's brain will explode if he attempts to explain the concept of electricity to him.

"I think you're wrong," says Pandora all of a sudden. "Everyone knows tiny people don't exist."

This statement is met with stunned silence. By now, everyone knows better than to jump to hasty conclusions where Pandora is concerned. Her brain works in mysterious ways, and they need time. So, everyone simply waits.

"What if what they're putting inside these boxes are a race of faeries? Obviously, it can't be pixies because they're too unpredictable to expect them to perform an entire play, but there is a race of small sprites that are gentle, and generally amenable to pretty much anything if you give them sugar," Pandora explains.

Barty and Evan consider this, nodding along with solemn expressions. "Well, that would make sense."

"Muggles don't know fairies exist," Dorcas tells them from the bed. "Sorry, Pandora, it's a good theory but the Secrecy Statute renders it unlikely."

Pandora pouts. "Well, this is why the Secrecy Statute should be abolished!"

Regulus takes a deep breath. When Pandora gets going about this topic, there's no stopping her. She's very passionate about muggles being allowed to know the magical world exists. Regulus disagrees with her—not because he has anything against muggles. He doesn't. He thinks they're quite ingenious. But because he understands how it feels to want something you can't have. Something someone else flaunts, misuses, doesn't appreciate while you'd kill for it.

If Muggles discovered magic they'd want it for themselves. It'd be a bloodbath.

He doesn't voice these thoughts, though. Pandora is ranting, and everyone else is nodding along like they've done a million times before. At some point, Pandora gets up on Regulus' bed and emphasises her points with vehement hand gestures. Evan gently nudges a pillow towards her, because she's toppled off the bed on more than one occasion and it's nice to have something to cushion the crash.

Dorcas rolls on her stomach and puts her chin in her hands, staring up at Pandora with a tender smile. Regulus wonders for a fleeting moment whether Dorcas' ever had a crush on Pandora, then dismisses the idea. Just because Dorcas likes girls doesn't mean she goes around crushing on every female presenting person, much like he's never seen Evan that way.

Regulus will never admit out loud that he nursed a secret, painful crush on Barty most of their fourth year. It was around the time James started to make an ass of himself trying to get Lily Evans to go out with him, and Regulus finally admitted to himself that the candle he was begrudgingly and against his will holding for James was never going to catch on fire. That year, Barty had a growth spurt that sucked the baby fat right out of him, leaving him with cheekbones sharp enough to cut. And Regulus discovered that he wouldn't have minded bleeding a little for his friend. Or with him.

But by then things had started to go south with Sirius at home. It was getting out of hand, Sirius was acting out in every possible way—at school, too—and Regulus didn't have bandwidth to even consider exploring whether Barty might like him. He just didn't have space to deal with his friend turning him down or worse, mocking him for liking boys. So he never told.

Fortunately for him, he grew out of it completely. But it happened, and Regulus knows it happened, and it makes him kind of embarrassed even though there isn't another soul alive who knows.

"I think Muggles would go insane with fear if they knew the sort of stuff that's out there," says Evan. "Like, have you ever seen a dragon?"

Barty turns to look at him, eyebrows raised. "Have you?"

Evans sits up straight, trying to look cool. "Well, yes. This summer. We went to Romania on a trip and we saw some. They're terrifying." Evan shudders. "I think it's best muggles have no idea."

"Yeah. I can't see the idea of a basilisk landing well with them," Dorcas adds, sounding mildly amused.

Barty twists his body so he's fully facing Evan. "I want to know more about this dragon situation. What were they like?"

"Mean," Evan says.

"So, like Reg?" Barty replies.

Regulus rolls his eyes at them when all eyes fall on him. "Hilarious."

"No, but, I mean, kinda? It's like they were pissed off we were there, watching them," Evan explains. "The carers have to wear all sort of protective gear and even then, more often than not they get burnt. But the dragons will also get irritated if like, they don't get food on time. Or if they're not exercised properly. So they want the carers, but they're also aggressive towards them? It's strange, and terrifying. Dragons are mean. Trust."

"What I'm hearing," Barty says solemnly. "Is that we share a room with a dragon."

Dorcas snorts, the traitor. Pandora sits back down and says nothing, but she's smiling a little bit.

"You too?" Regulus asks her, feigning hurt.

They're interrupted by Selwyn walking into the dorm. He casts a look around and makes a face like he's smelled something rotten. Regulus meets his eyes, daring him without words to say anything. Despite all evidence to the contrary, it appears Selwyn isn't a complete idiot and so he chooses the sit down on his bed and draw the curtains around him without a word. But he's killed the mood so Pandora gets up to leave.

Dorcas offers to walk her and after a quick round of goodbyes, both girls leave the dorms. Regulus gets ready for bed, listening to Barty and Evan resume their television debate in more moderate whispers. He doesn't take his sleeping draught, but leaves a vial on his bedside table for later. No one notices. When they turn the lights out, Regulus lies on top of his covers with his curtains drown until he can hear three distinct sets of snores.

Slipping out of his dorm without notice is so easy it bores him. He wishes it was harder, more of a challenge. No matter. He does down the stairs quietly, wand in one hand, broom in the other, then flies himself up the stairs to the girls' dorms. He's been to Dorcas' room before, so he has no trouble finding it.

He would have done this sooner, but the potion and charm combination he was working on took some time. It's quite inane as far as payback goes, but Regulus can't take more drastic measures yet. It's too early in the year and he doesn't want to be expelled. It's annoying enough that he'll never officially get N.E.W.T.S—even though Regulus is certain he could take them now and pass them all—so he's not about to be the guy who got kicked out of Hogwarts. No matter how much he wants to really hurt these girls.

Once inside the dorm, he rests his broom against the wall and moves with the stealth of a shadow. As he expected, Dorcas isn't here. Her offer to walk Pandora to Ravenclaw Tower wasn't entirely altruistic. Regulus approaches each bed and carefully drops a vial of potion over the hairline of each sleeping girl. He waves his wand immediately after, whispering the charms as quietly as possible. One of them mutters something in her sleep, but none of them wake up.

As silently as he came, Regulus escapes the room flying down the stairs to wait for Dorcas in the common room. He sinks into the sofa and lets his mind drift. It goes to strange places. The rooftop in his summer house—he really misses cigarettes—or the meals Kreacher made for him. He thinks about Quidditch, because the first game of the season will come around quickly, and it'll be against Gryffindor. Regulus hates playing Gryffindor because his brother is on the team, and so is James. Watching James Potter fly is distracting.

His brain takes this line of thought as an opportunity to remind him of a shirtless James in the changing room. Regulus can feel the blood rushing to his cheeks, but he's alone and it's dark, so he allows it. He hates that James can make him feel this way. Hates himself for this weakness. It'd be so much easier to hate James and nothing else.

For a brief moment, Regulus' mind wants to think about Sirius but Regulus shuts it down viciously. He doesn't go there. Ever.

He's about to give up and climb the stairs to his room to down his sleeping potion when the common room door opens and Dorcas steps inside. She startles when she finds him, then goes to sit next to him on the sofa.

"Were you waiting for me?" She asks him quietly.

Regulus nods. Dorcas smiles.

"Thank you," she says. "I'll be fine. They should be asleep now."

"They are," Regulus says.

Dorcas gets up and heads towards the stairs. "Good night, Reg."

He doesn't move until she's out of view. He'll never admit it out loud to anyone, but if Dorcas had asked to sleep in his bed he would have said yes. Because Regulus knows what it's like to try to rest in a place that doesn't make you feel safe. It's why he needs the draughts. It's why he'll make sure Dorcas knows she's safe with him every day for the rest of the year.

James suspects this is one of those ideas that seem brilliant upon conception but turn out to be quite catastrophic during execution. The evidence is orange, bright, and incredibly hot. Which is a fancy way of saying that their dorm is on fire.

Most specifically, Remus' bed is burning.

Remus is going to kill him.

Peter is repeatedly casting an aguamenti charm, but it's not really helping. Sirius is in the bathroom frantically wetting towels because he read in a muggle magazine that's how you put out a fire. James is regretting his life choices.

"Moony is going to murder us," he says weakly, pushing open the window before they all die from smoke inhalation. "Brutally. Mercilessly. He'll use our blood to put out the fire."

Peter makes a noise like he's about to start crying, but continues dutifully sending little squirts of water over the flames engulfing Remus' bed. "How did this even happen?" He repeats under his breath.

"Prongs! A hand? There's water everywhere!"

James darts into the bathroom to help Sirius. Somehow, he's caused a minor flood but in the grand scheme of things, this is the smaller of their problems. Sirius is absolutely drenched, the shirt of his uniform clinging to his body like a second skin. He thrusts a set of heavy towels towards James, who hoists them up without complaint. They're heavier than he expected, but James will lift a marble statue right now if it'll help him put out the fire before it spreads. The water seeps through his clothes, too. Together, they carry out soaking wet towels into their dorm.

"We have to smother it," Sirius says. "Drown it! Throw the towels over it!"

"This is a disaster!" Peter yells.

"Firefighting first, crying second," Sirius insists. "The towels over the fire. Come on!"

They attempt to manoeuvre them and get them close to the flames, but it's futile. Sirius tries to levitate one, but he's freaking out too hard and his aim is off. The fire's climbing the canopy over Remus' bed now. If they don't move quickly, it'll reach the overhead and then they'll be really screwed.

The only way this will work is if someone climbs on the bed and puts the towels from there. Which means someone's gonna get hurt before the fire is out. It has to be James, since this was his idea. He was the one who though enhancing a game of exploding snap with an amplification charm would make it that much more exciting. And also there's no way in hell he's going to stand here and watch either of his friends get burnt.

"Step back. I'll do it," James volunteers.

"Together," Sirius says dutifully, setting his shoulders back.

James cannot, in good conscience, risk Sirius' hair catching on fire. His friend will survive literal torture—this is fact, it has happened—but not the loss of his hair. Besides, selfishly James knows it'll hurt him more to watch Sirius get burnt than to burn himself. So.

"Hair's too long. It'll burn. You pass me the towels," James says. "Don't argue. We're out of time."

And so James climbs on the burning bed and begins lying down wet towels over the flames as quickly as he possibly can. Surprisingly this works. The fire starts dying out. Unsurprisingly, James gets burnt in the process because the entire bed and frame and curtains are on fire and he can only move so quickly. His hands and ankles mostly, a little bit around his chins.

"Peter, the curtain! Save Prongs' hair!" Sirius yells, wildly gesturing to a curtain that's still burning dangerously close to James' head. "With me!"

"AGUAMENTI!" Both his friends shout at the same time, water raining over James like a tropical storm. The rest of the flames sputter out and he collapses over the towels, feeling frankly exhausted.

His hands being to throb, which is alarming. Then, the pain kicks in and James groans.

Sirius is at his side in an instant. "How bad is it?"

James shifts to show his hands, which are violently red and tight and starting to blister. Peter makes a sound of distress from the back of his throat, like the sight might make him keel over. "It's not as—"

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

The door slams against the wall as Remus steps inside, nostrils flaring with anger. His eyes roam the room, taking in the normal, disorganised chaos. He skips over Peter, then zooms in on James and Sirius.

Sirius springs to his feet and stares at Remus earnestly. "Thank Merlin you're here, Moony. Prongs' gonna lose his hands!"

The fight seems to leave Remus all at once. Like, quite literally one moment he looks ready for murder, the next he's blinking like he doesn't even know where he is. James is in excruciating pain, but not so much that he doesn't notice part of the reason Remus is so out of sorts so suddenly is that Sirius is still wet, his shirt is still clinging to his body, and he's making puppy eyes at him.

"Moony!" Sirius insists, gesturing towards James. "Help Prongs!"

With some difficulty, Remus drags his eyes away from Sirius and towards James. And as abruptly as he was disarmed, he pulls himself together. "I swear to Godric Gryffindor and every wizard before him that you are the dumbest motherfucker to ever live, James Potter! How the fuck did this happen?"

He's swearing up a storm, but he's also moving, wand in hand. He kneels by James to examine his hands, still ranting about how they're going to kill themselves one day and he'll finally know peace, even if it's for the single minute he'll endure their loss before he joins them voluntarily.

None of them bat an eye at this, because it's not the first time Remus cusses them out while cleaning up the mess they've made. For them, it's a regular Thursday.

"These are too bad, and I'm not good with bloody burns," Remus says, frustrated. He stands up. "Come on. We're going to see Poppy."

"What are we going to tell her?" Peter asks. "We can't tell her we set Remus' bed on fire."

James groans, because he's in pain and tired and also, he set Remus' bed on fire.

Sirius is already shrugging off his wet shirt and fishing for a new one. Remus' eyes glue themselves to Sirius' back the entire time it is exposed. James wonders if he's aware. If Remus knows that he gravitates towards Sirius like a moth to a flame. If he has realised what it means.

James is one hundred percent certain that Sirius doesn't know how he feels. If anything's ever going to happen between them, it's going to have to be Remus who starts it. Because Sirius is the most oblivious, distracted idiot in the entire school.

"Come on, Prongs' hurting and it's making me anxious," he says, giving up on shirts altogether and casually stealing one of Remus' jumpers. It's a little big on him, but not ridiculously. Sirius is, after all, still beater for the Gryffindor team and one doesn't bat bludgers for hours on end to not develop some shoulder muscles.

"I didn't hear you ask for permission to take that." Remus asks, eyebrow raised. He seems to regain his wits as soon as Sirius is properly clothed, which is information James is filing under 'how to distract Moony'. For emergencies.

"Were you going to say no?" Sirius asks, batting his eyelashes angelically.

"Guys. Please. I am in pain," James grunts before his friends can get so wrapped up in each other they forget they're in the middle of a medical emergency.

It does the trick. They file out of the room quickly and argue all the way to the infirmary about the best lie to tell Poppy. In the end, it's Remus who comes up with a story involving James' valiantly rescuing a pile of books from the fire place after some first years toppled over a desk in the common room. Poppy eats it up, and gets to work on James' burns.

He has to stay the night, which is just as well because they're one bed short in their dorm for the time being. Poppy tells him he'll miss lessons tomorrow but should be free by the end of the end, which works a treat because there's a party happening that James cannot miss. His friends leave him just as the nurse forces a sleeping potion on him. James is passed out before they're even out of the infirmary.