Chapter 9:
"Who is Liam Sweetheart?" Lena asks carefully. I look up at her, then over to Stef. I can tell they are getting anxious. I can't even imagine the terrified look on my face but I can't hide it. If I hide and mask my emotions I might not get the story out. If I don't get the story out before the adoption I am going to regret it.
"Liam was an old foster brother. I lived with their family for a little while. The Olmstead family was actually one of the better places we lived in. Liam made it a good place when we first got there. He gave Jude and I lots of attention and went out of his way to make us feel special. I hadn't had someone care for me or give me that type of affection in so long that I soaked it up and allowed him to get close to us. His gestures were small and gradual. Make sure we got our favorite snacks, compliment me, and he was very touchy. As you have figured out, touch is my love language. It is something that I naturally crave. I didn't think anything about his hugs, or hand squeezes. I just was so desperate to feel loved by someone that I didn't notice his gestures getting bigger."
I look to Lena and see her hold tighter to Stef's hand and the other on her side of the bed, her knuckles white. I am afraid to look into their eyes. "His squeezes moved to my leg, his hugs were longer, and he started kissing me on the cheek. He told me I was the best sister he ever had. I let it happen thinking it was normal. Eventually they got even bigger. His hands higher up my thigh, his kisses closer to my mouth. Until the first time he kissed me on the lips." I look down at my hands and they are shaking. I can't help but think that I wish there was a blade in them. I try to compose myself. I feel like I am about to be sick. I clutch my stomach and keep avoiding eye contact. They both look like they are about ready to pounce in case I get sick.
"Are you okay Sweets?" Stef whispers cautiously. They are being so careful to not make my walls go up that they don't speak in a normal voice. I force myself to relax and calm down. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
"Yes, I have to keep going." I say confidentially. I open them up and stare at their feet. I want to see them. I know seeing them will help comfort me. I want them to hold me right now but I am afraid I will start crying so hard that I wont be able to get out the words I need. Even if I look into their eyes I will break down.
"When he kissed me there I pulled back and looked at him afraid. I know that you aren't allowed to have a relationship with any foster sibling so I started to panic. This was the first time I felt taken care of and safe since my own mother. I was afraid I would get removed from the house but also scared because I was so confused as to what he just did. Surely it wasn't okay for a brother to do that." I look at their hands clasped. Searching for courage. I force myself to think about their love. I am afraid they will blame me. Blame me for being so stupid and allowing myself to get close to him. I stare at their hands. I picture holding Lena's hand two nights ago. The first time I outwardly sought out comfort from just her. I think about when I was at the table last night and Stef held my hand to help me eat. They weren't just holding me physically, but emotionally as well. They were carrying me. Helping me emotionally because I can't do it on my own. I stare at their hands and picture them each holding one of mine. It gives me the courage to continue.
"He said that he was sorry he just feels close to me and loves me so much like a sister. It was unsettling but the way he would speak to me and compliment me and care for me, I just let it happen thinking it was okay because he said so. He had a way with his words. He could get me to believe everything and anything. It continued for about a month. He snuck a few more kisses in. It got more and more bold. I didn't know what to do. If I told him to stop he would get very mad at me, sometimes even threaten Jude. I felt like I needed to make him happy and I did whatever he said. Anytime he was mean or rude he would quickly apologize and beg me to forgive him. I don't know how it worke, but it did and I forgave him immediately." I look closer up to their eyes. Not staring directly in them, but at their faces. I move a little closer to them. I am dying for their comfort. I need them. I take another step. I slowly walk to them and put my hands on top of theirs. I kneel down in front of them. I keep my hand on their hands and stare at all of our complexions. They move a few fingers so they are on top of mine as well. It gives me another push.
I keep my eyes focused on our three-way hold. "One night, he came into my room. He didn't even say anything, he just walked in." I feel a tear fall and Stef's finger moves back and forth on my hand. "He came in and laid down on the bed. He turned to face me and started kissing me. I told him to stop, but he wouldn't." I feel more tears hit my cheeks. I look up a little. I need to say this to their faces. "I got up and went to turn the light on telling him he needs to leave. He got very angry and wouldn't. He threw me onto the bed and…." I stand up, look at Stef's eyes, and she was crying. I look over to Lena who had just as many tears falling down her face.
"I tried to tell him to stop but he wouldn't." I am not sure why I picked Stef specifically but we have this very strong bond because of our similarities. I love Stef and Lena the same but there is something about Stef that makes me feel completely protected. I look into Stef's eyes and say, "he forced me to have sex with him." A sob escapes my mouth and I fall to the floor. I can't believe I just told them that. At least, it is out. I curl up into a ball; my face is hidden in my knees. I feel two sets of arms wrap me up and hold me. I just start to cry. I don't know what to think, feel, I just cry. I feel vulnerable, scared, sad, hurt, disgusting, loved, protected, and safe all at once. It is too much to handle. I just let my mom's hold me while I fall apart, hoping they didn't change their minds.
Stef's point of view:
I watch my daughter fall to the ground after she just told me she has been raped. Her sobs are so loud each time I hear one I swear it puts another crack in my heart. As soon as she hits the ground I run over to her and immediately wrap my arms around her. I want her to feel my love. I need her to feel my love. Lena is one second behind me. I don't think I have ever been so devastated in my life. My baby was robbed of her childhood. She has experienced more pain than anyone should have to in their lifetime. This was too much. That guy had better watch out because I am coming for him and he is not going to get away with it.
I am not sure at this point whether my tears are for anger or hurt. I think it's a mixture of both. I look at Lena who is sobbing too. I am trying so hard to not let one come out of my mouth but I don't think I can stop it. When your kid is hurt, it is the worst thing in the entire world. I would rather be hurt over and over again than having to witness my own child being hurt. The pain to watch my children suffer is unbearable. Callie was born for me and Lena and has this special place in my heart that only she can fill. I love all my children the same, but she is what I have been missing, she is the one person who I have been feeling lost without. She is my baby. This deep connection we have is so intense. I can literally feel all her pain. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do. I squeeze tighter and can't help but let out a small sob.
Callie's Pint of View:
I have never heard Stef or Lena cry this hard in my entire life. I feel terrible for doing it to them and making them so sad. I just wanted them to know the truth. It also can't help but make me feel somewhat loved. They have to love me in order to be this upset. I let them hold me. I am still sobbing but I don't like my position. I am still curled into a ball as they have their arms wrapped around me and they each have buried their heads into one of my shoulders.
I am not sure how long it has been but it has been at least 15 minutes. I slowly lift my head and put my legs down. My legs were hurting all curled up but I didn't want them to let go. I crisscross my legs instead and put my face in my hands. We are all still crying but the noises have stopped. They never loosen their grip which is what I was hoping. I haven't opened my eyes. I am afraid to see my moms, see them so hurt and vulnerable. If there is one thing I cannot handle it is seeing the people I love most in pain and hearing Stef and Lena's sobs was enough to break my heart in half. I don't think I could handle their tear stained cheeks. I feel myself wanting to be closer. I want them to hold me. I don't even know who is on which side but I feel someone from the left pull me onto their lap. How did they know that is what I wanted? I lay there with my eyes closed for what I assume is about ten minutes.
I slowly remove my hands from my eyes and open them. I am in Lena's lap. I take my hand and bury it in her hair. Something about hiding in her hair always comforts me. There is so much of it and it is reassuring. It is soft and always smells like coconut. I slowly lift my head and see Stef's face so close to mine. She is resting her head on Lena. I look at her face swollen and red but she smiles at me. I grab her hands very quickly and squeeze them tight. There is a special bond between Stef and I. Lena can give me this extreme comfort and can always make me feel loved, but something about Stef and the way we understand each other frightens me. She has the ability to read me and understand my feelings because we are so alike. It terrifies me but it also excites me.
I have been staring into her eyes breathing deep for a while. I just can't look away. We are having a conversation through our eyes. I have never been able to do that with anyone other than Jude. I can feel Stef's soul piercing into mine. I can hear her saying I love you, I can see her eyes telling me that I am safe and I am hers. I can also see the sorrow. She is sorry for all that has happened to me and she wishes she could have stopped it. I never knew that I could hear so much just by looking at someone, but I know that's what she means. I am telling her that I love her too and that it's not her fault and I feel safe with her and Lena. She winks at me and I can't help but give a small smile.
"I love you Stef" I say, still never looking away. I start to tear up again. "So much" I am rewarded with a beautiful love filled smile. She leans in and kisses my forehead a few times before resting her head against mine.
"I love you too baby," she whispers. "So much it hurts" Lena's grip is tightening and I know our exchange is touching her. I want to tell her I love her as well but I can't speak because I am so focused on Stef right now. I feel bad, but I can't help it. A realization just hit me. I am finally letting them take some of my burden off of me. I am letting them carry some of my weight and I feel relieved. I feel like I am not in this alone right now and that feeling is absolutely amazing.
I get out of Lena's embrace and stand up carefully. Stef and Lena look up at me from the floor confused. I answer them before they can ask what I am doing.
"I can't cry anymore. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't think I have ever felt so much hurt in such a short time and it is starting to overwhelm me. I could already go to sleep for the night and I have only been awake for a few hours. I am so tired, but I don't want to cry anymore." Stef and Lena give me sad smiles and stand up as well.
"We have to talk about this a little bit first, okay sweets? We just want to make sure you are okay." Stef says lovingly. "Why don't we go downstairs and sit on the couch and talk for a few minutes and then we can do something fun. Yes?"
"Okay." I say, knowing I don't have much of a choice. I follow Stef and Lena out the room and down the steps. We head into the living room and this time I take a seat in a chair while Stef and Lena sit on the couch together.
"The other kids will be here pretty soon so we don't have too much time but I just have a few questions sweetheart. I just want to touch base and make sure everything is okay. Is that alright?" Lena says sweetly.
"Yeah." I say. I am giving them one word answers but I really don't want to talk about this more than I have too.
"My first question is why did you want to tell us this before you got adopted?" Lena asks.
"Well, I didn't want you to think I was not a safe person to be in the house because my relationship with my foster brother was sexual. I know it was wrong to do and I didn't want you to be disgusted with me for any of it. I was afraid once you knew you would regret choosing to keep me."
"Sweets," Stef said, almost gasping, "Do you think this is your fault?" My eyes widen as Stef rushes up from the couch and cups my face in her hands.
"I shouldn't have been so desperate to feel a part of something. I should have seen it coming. The more he touched me, I should have pulled away. I was so desperate to feel loved. I should have been able to stop it. I didn't want a romantic relationship with him. I really didn't. I swear." I can't help the fact that my voice is cracking and my eyes are beginning to water.
"Oh my love, this is not your fault baby. Not at all. You were innocent. You didn't know that he was going to force himself on you. No matter what, even if two people are in a romantic relationship if someone says no, you listen. He wasn't even a romantic relationship; he was your foster brother. He shouldn't have even tried to have sex with you in the first place. The fact that you said no and he did it anyways, means it was rape. You can't blame yourself baby. He didn't listen to you. This is not your fault, do you understand me?" I pull my hands out of Stef's face. I can't handle this right now.
"I shouldn't have let myself get attached. I told you that was my rule I should have stopped him from touching me. I shouldn't have been so easily affected by his attention."
"Sweetheart," Lena starts as she walks over to sit next to Stef in front of me. "You haven't felt safe and loved since you were a young girl. You were fourteen when Liam did this to you. You had no clue what his intentions were. No one expects you to have seen them either. You just wanted love and he was giving you that. It is natural to want that. It is not your fault. You said no, and he should have stopped, baby. You trusted him, he is at fault. He is in the wrong."
"Baby, how old was Liam?" Stef says curiously.
"Twenty" I mumble.
"What was that?" Stef says anxiously. I can see her starting to get angry. I stare at her afraid of what she may do with this information. "Callie love, you need to tell me how old he was." I stare at her some more.
"Is it even important?" I say, knowing that it is.
"Yes, Callie. It is important. You need to answer this question for me please." Her voice is becoming more demanding.
"Twenty." I say looking over to Lena. I am afraid and I think she senses this. I see Lena look over to Stef who seems like she is going to burst any second. I see Lena gently place her hands on Stef's shoulder. Stef relaxes a tiny bit but I can still see the fire in her eyes.
"Sorry," I say quietly.
"What on earth are you sorry for?" Stef practically yells.
"Stef, honey" Lena says as I am beginning to get worked up by Stef's emotions.
"I just know you are upset. I mean look at you. I am sorry that all of this is causing you to be hurt and angry. I am not trying to make you feel those things. Now you are yelling at me!" I say clenching my fists. I feel Lena scoot closer towards the chairs. She takes my hands, slowly unclenches my fists and holds my hands. She looks over at Stef waiting for her to speak.
"Callie, I am so sorry sweets. I am not trying to yell at you, I am just angry honestly. Not at you, that this happened to you. Angry at Liam. I have never wanted to see justice served more in my entire life, baby and it kills me. Mama and I are sad, because there is nothing more terrible than seeing one of your children in pain. We know you can't help it. But we carry your problems as our own because we love you so much. It is a part of motherhood. Instead of worrying that we are crying and upset, let us cry with you. Let us hold you and carry you. We will get through this together. Don't apologize baby. Even though this is a terrible thing that happened TO you, we are so proud of you for sharing. So proud of you for opening up to us. We love you and love that you trust us. We are never going anywhere okay? We promise."
I nod. "Okay".
"Sweetheart," Lena says, squeezing my hands again. "Do you see how this is Liam's fault?"
"I agree he should have stopped when I told him to. That part was on him. It shouldn't have happened because he should have stopped. But I can't help but blame myself for letting it get that far. For letting his touches get more bold, I should have ended it the first time I thought it didn't seem right. I shouldn't have listened to him when he said it was normal." Lena looks at me intently.
"That is good that you realize he should have stopped when you said no, that the fact he did it anyways was out of your control, but baby you were fourteen and craving love. You were still a child and you still are honey. He was an adult. You emotionally crave affection and love more because you were so young. No one was there to teach you boundaries, no one was there to show you what true love and trust is. You can't blame yourself for that. I know it is hard to just flip a switch and try to change the way you think, but we will work on it okay? Because I promise you baby that wasn't your fault and you can't blame yourself for any of it. You were misguided." I just nod. I trust them. I do. I still think I could have prevented it, but I just trust Lena's words because I need the hope.
"Alright sweets, well I am going to have to report this. I know it will be hard but in case there are other girls living at the Olmstead's we need to tell them the truth. We want to avoid this happening to anyone else, yes?"
"Yes, but I doubt they will believe me Stef, I am not sure I could handle people not believing me. I don't have the best record. I am just a troubled foster child. It is my word against him and it is almost two years later."
"Well, we believe you. If nothing else then at least we can make sure no girls get back into that house. You can also decide if you want to take this to court. I want you to think about what is best for you okay? But we do need to report it. A report will be enough to make sure that no other girl will be in that house."
"Okay," I don't really want them to report it, but if I can prevent someone else from being put in the Olmstead's house, then I need to. I look over to the clock and it is about time for everyone else to come home. Honestly I miss them. I miss Mari and Jude especially. I want to tell Mariana everything. I want to tell her about Liam. I love the mom's but I want the friendship I have with Mari. I want her support and for her to be able to help me when I need alone time. I know she would understand.
"Well, your siblings should be here shortly. Why don't we watch some TV until they get here." Stef smiles.
"Okay," I say again. I am kind of shutting down right now. I know they will be worried but I have been so open, I need some time to myself. I wonder if I can go outside alone.
"Can I go sit outback?" I say hopefully
"With one of us you can" Lena says
"Seriously?" I just want to sit there alone.
"I am sorry sweets, but we just want to make sure you are okay. You were very vulnerable with us and must be feeling a lot. We want to keep you safe." Stef is trying to calm me down because I am starting to get angry. I am about to start arguing when I hear the front door open. Thank God.
Everyone walks into the living room and starts talking about the movie they just went to. I stand up and go sit next to Mari. Everyone has slowly gotten quiet and is tuned into the TV. Every time I move Stef and Lena notice. I need to talk to Mari. I lean in very close and whisper to her.
"I need to talk to you alone, but I am on moms arrest. You have to help me get them to let us talk. It is super important." I whisper very quietly. I can feel Stef's eyes on me. I know she can read lips too so I purposefully turned my head completely away from her. I watch Mari look up to me and nod.
"I will figure it out. We just need to wait a little bit so it is not too obvious" she whispers. I am pleased with this. We watch another show for about 30 minutes until it ends.
"Callie and I are going to go sit outside on the swing together so I can tell her all about this movie. Come on Cal's." She grabs my arm and starts running for the back door. I know I am supposed to be with either Stef or Lena at all times but I let Mariana drag me out before they say anything. We get to the porch and she sits me down on the swing. I look over to the kitchen and both Stef and Lena are staring out the window.
"They are going to be mad at me. I am supposed to be with one of them at all times." I say nervously.
"They are right there. We are fine. They aren't even trying to hide the fact that they are watching us though. They must really want to keep an eye on you."
"Yeah, they are really worried about me. I had to tell them some stuff that happened to me and it is making me really vulnerable. My emotions are going everywhere. I feel overwhelmed. I need some air. I love them more than anything in this world but I just need a break from them. I know they probably won't let this happen again for a while."
"Which is why we should make the best of it. How did it go today?"
"It went well. I had to tell them something before they adopted us. I wanted them to know."
"Just to make sure they truly wanted you even with everything you went through?" Mari says understanding.
"Exactly! I want them to know all of me. I wanted to make sure their love was real. That they take me in truly loving me for me and everything that I am."
"I completely understand. I am proud of you because I know that it is hard to talk and let people in, especially for you. I was lucky to find Stef and Lena early on when I was still little. I have less of a past before them and it was easier for my walls to break down because I was so much younger. Although, I still understand a lot about living with your non-biological parents."
"I know you do Mari, I think the fact that we both understand that made it easy for us to connect so well. I am thankful for you."
"I am thankful for you too Cal's. I will do my best to try and give you breaks from them when you need it alright?"
"Thanks. Uhm, I want to tell you some stuff. I was hurt Mari, very badly in more than one way. I am pretty screwed up emotionally. I have so many feelings and no one has helped me process them. You might see me completely breakdown. I am trying to deal with what happened to me and I am trying to figure out how to cope with the feelings I have, but it is going to be a rocky road."
"I am sorry you were hurt. I know I don't know specifics but I am always here for you. Whatever you need, let me know okay?"
"Thank you so much, you are a lifesaver."
"I have to say one thing though, if I am extremely worried about your safety I have to tell Moms okay? I don't want to betray your trust but I don't want to lose you either." I begin to get frustrated with her but then I think about if this was reversed. If Mari had me extremely worried I would go to Moms too. I would want to make sure that she was safe and taken care of. I wouldn't risk it either.
"I actually understand because if roles were reversed I would say the same thing." She gives me a smile. I hear the back door open and out comes Stef.
"Miss Thing, can you give Callie and I a minute please?" Stef says sitting next to me.
"Sure mom, I will be inside if you need me a Cal's."
"Thanks," I mumble. I watch Mari walk inside. Once the door is shut Stef adjusts so she is staring right at me.
"You know that you are supposed to be with Lena or I at all times, yes?" I want to argue this and say it is ridiculous but I already know they won't change their minds so I decide to challenge her.
"Yes" I say confidently. I think this takes Stef off guard. I am not arguing and I know I broke the rules. I don't seem sorry either and I think that is what is getting to her.
"Then why did you do it?" She says curiously.
"Mariana dragged me out here. I just followed, honestly I was surprised you both stayed inside."
"Alright, don't do that again okay?"
"Yup" I exaggerate the "P" so it makes a popping noise. My tone was full of attitude too and my eyes grew wide while I roll them. I can tell mt one worded answers drive her crazy. I need to remember this.
"Do you want to stay out here?" She says nicely. I guess she gave up on this conversation trying to ignore my pushes.
"I actually have to go to the bathroom. Wait, is that allowed? Can I close the door this time or will you be in there with me because that could get awkward." I see her start to get angry.
"Callie, why are you pushing me?" I am just going to play dumb and see where this goes.
"I am not. Just curious about the rules." She narrows her eyes. I think she knows I am trying to get a reaction out of her.
"Fine, you may go to the bathroom. Door closed, but not locked. Okay Sweets?" Well played Stef. I know she is getting irritated but she is trying to stay calm. She is smart and knows what I am doing and I know that she is extremely stubborn just like me. I want to see how far I can push, how angry I can be before they crack. I am also confused about how I feel and can't really explain all this anger and stubbornness coming out. I can't stop it. It is growing. I know that Stef won't answer with just the two of us. I need to do something drastic. I need to involve Lena. I get an evil smirk on my face and stand up. She stands up too and eyes me, daring me to talk back. I look her up and down and walk into the kitchen to see a waiting Lena. Now or never, let's see how far this can go.
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