AN: TW: Miscarriage/pregnancy loss.

"I want to have a baby."

The confession came almost out of nowhere. Not in the sense that Emily hadn't been aware of this desire for a child, but in the sense that Alex chose the least opportune moment to announce it.

"Jesus, Alex," Emily cursed. "Can't this wait?"

Alex winced, offered a quick kiss in apology, and once again did her best to shut off her mind and turn herself over to the task at hand: namely, fucking...

Emily hovered over her, supporting herself with one hand and rubbing Alex's clit with the other as she thrust into her at a steady pace, having long since learned exactly how Alex liked to be fucked. She could see, however, that Alex's mind was elsewhere, even as she writhed beneath her.

With a defeated groan, Emily rolled off of her and lay back in bed, trying not to pout too much.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered. "I didn't mean to ruin the mood..."

"I know." She sighed softly, turned her head to look at Alex, offering her a gentle smile. She never could stay mad at her... "I suppose I should get used to being interrupted in the middle of sex if we're going to have a baby," she said.

Alex laughed a little, snuggling into Emily's side and dropping a kiss to her cheek. "I love you," she murmured, knowing that was Emily's way of agreeing.

In spite of all the doctor's warnings and cautionings, telling them to expect to go through several cycles of IVF before one took hold, Alex held a positive pregnancy test in her hands six weeks after the first cycle was implanted.

And, for those two months, she was happier than Emily had ever seen her. She was busily deciding on paint colours for the nursery walls, making lists of potential names, and researching birthing positions. For her part, Emily was overjoyed as well, though it wasn't quite as real for her because she wasn't the one who was pregnant...she was just happy to see Alex happy.

As she passed from the first trimester and into the second, they planned a trip to Kansas City to tell Alex's family. They planned it for the Thanksgiving weekend – special ordered a onesie that said Extra thankful this year! and taken artsy pictures of it to give to everyone.

The day before Thanksgiving, though, Alex woke up in the middle of the night with the feeling that something was very wrong. She was bleeding. She woke Emily in a panic and, since they had been waiting to tell everyone the next day, they'd snuck out of the house to avoid any conversations they weren't ready to have.

The news at the ER wasn't good. Alex was miscarrying. And there was nothing they could do to stop it. The only thing they had to offer was medication to help the situation along. (Alex had steadfastly refused, desperately clinging to hope that she knew, logically, didn't exist.)

"Maybe we should just go home," Emily suggested quietly as they drove back to Damon's house. "I don't think either of us is in any mood to sit through a long dinner with..."

"No," Alex interrupted her.

Emily raised a brow. "No?" she echoed, uncertain she'd heard correctly.

"No," she repeated. "If we leave now, it will be suspicious and I really really cannot handle questions right now..."

Emily nodded slowly, sadly. "We'll do whatever you need to do," she vowed. She pulled the car into the drugstore parking lot, then turned to Alex and asked, "Are you going to be okay while I run in?"

She nodded slightly, but it convinced no one. On the other hand, she really couldn't face anyone just then, so she nodded again, more insistently. She managed to avoid falling apart while Emily was gone, but when she returned and handed her the plastic bag of her purchases, she fell apart completely. It wasn't the Midol or the heating pack or even the menstrual pads that pushed her over the edge, it was the three rolls of Mentos fruit-flavoured candies... Alex only liked the strawberry flavoured ones and Emily would dutifully eat the orange and lemon ones for her. The simple gesture was enough to have Alex breaking down in full on noisy heart-wrenching sobs.

It took some time before Alex was ready to try again. But when she was ready, she was prepared to jump in with both feet. She'd worked through her grief, done her mourning, and given her body time to recover. Now, she was ready.

This time, it took her nearly eight weeks to realize she was pregnant. This time, she was a little more timid when it came to making plans. This time, she refused to even think about telling people until she was absolutely certain this baby was hanging on.

This time, the miscarriage started just shy of reaching the end of the first trimester.

Emily wasn't sure she could possibly survive seeing Alex so utterly devastated a third time...

Alex demanded that the doctors test her for every single thing they could possibly think of. She didn't care how obscure and unlikely or how much it cost, she wanted to know what was making her miscarry. She refused to believe it was simply an act of God or whatever bullshit platitudes people come up with to explain away something so incredibly heartbreaking, as if there were any justification in the world that would make her feel better.

It took some time to rule out the obvious conditions and run through the gradually less likely culprits before the doctors told her she had something called Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. It wasn't great news, but it wasn't bad news either. The doctors seemed quite confident that she could have a healthy full-term pregnancy if she took heparin.

As much as Emily hated to see Alex get her hopes up, now that she was armed with this knowledge, she was prepared to get hurt again...