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I know I should probably feel proud of myself for being able to eat an entire plate of food, but for some reason I don't. I finished around the same time as everyone else. I ate slowly, but not too slow to be the last one. I didn't want to sit there awkwardly still eating while everyone else was done and just stared at me. I also didn't want to finish first because then people would try to make conversation with me and I would just be sitting there. It is so exhausting to always have to think about these things. I know the only way I was able to finish all my food is because Lena's hand is still grasped in mine. I don't even try to make conversation or eye contact. Everyone knows something is wrong so it is not like I have to pretend that I am happy.
"Alright, Mom and I are on dishes tonight so kids you are excused." Lena says, breaking my train of thought. For a second I forget that I am supposed to stay with them and start to stand up. I was so lost in thought that the events of today seemed like weeks ago and my mind honestly thought to follow Lena's orders. Lena pulls my hand back suddenly to sit down and I am honestly thankful. Stef's back was turned and I know she would have gotten upset that I tried to leave. I lean over and kiss Lena on the cheek. I don't look into her eyes but I know she is looking at me adoringly. I have never kissed her before.
Brandon was watching our interaction. Before he left the room he gave me a comforting smile. Stef turns around and smiles at me. I can't help myself as a laugh escapes me. My family seriously smiles all the time. It actually warms my heart a little bit because they are all so kind and loving.
"What is so funny, sweets?" Stef asks curiously. I kind of feel embarrassed, I just randomly started to laugh. I don't want her to think I am making fun of them because I am not, I love their smiles. It wouldn't be the AdamsFoster house without them.
"Oh nothing, I just thought of something." I realize it has been a while since I remember laughing last. Lena stands up and starts doing dishes while Stef puts food away. Even though it is not my night I still feel bad doing nothing and just sitting here. I decide that maybe I should help. I stand up and start putting away things from the table.
"You don't have to help you know?" Lena says softly.
"I know," I say smiling and continue to help. After about fifteen minutes the kitchen is spotless aside from the dishes Stef and Lena are drying and putting away. I kind of am just standing here in the middle of the room awkwardly because I don't know where to go. I start shuffling back and forth on my feet because I am really getting uncomfortable. I mean what am I supposed to do? I am not allowed to leave them. Their eyes are on me the entire time too which doesn't help me feel any better. I know they think I am going to sneak off again.
"Callie!" Mariana says running into the kitchen. "I almost forgot, our new episode of criminal minds is still recorded. We haven't watched it yet. Come on!" she says jumping up and down excited. I look over to Lena who had just put the last dish away. She looks to Stef and back to me.
"Uhm, why don't we all go watch it together." Stef says, with a specific tone indicating that it wasn't a suggestion. I look up to Mariana and roll my eyes. I hope moms didn't see that but honestly they are driving me crazy.
I just start to walk out of the room and I can feel Stef and Lena right behind me. I purposefully sit in a chair away from everyone else. I still have the knife in my pocket. I am surprised Stef hasn't even noticed it yet either. Mariana sits on another chair next to me while Stef and Lena snuggle up to each other on the couch. I am not sure where anyone else is, they must be upstairs.
I get lost into the show allowing myself to just forget what is going on in my life and focus on the characters. It is a nice little break. I can completely tune out of my emotions and feelings and get myself sucked into the TV. It is about twenty minutes in and a young girl is walking down a dark alley. Seriously, why do girls always do that in these types of shows? Obviously walking down a dark road where people can't see or hear you is a bad choice. I roll my eyes at this and I hear Mariana giggle. She was looking at me waiting for me to react to the stupidity of the characters actions. I always complain about this type of stuff.
As I am watching this girl who is about my age I can't help but see my resemblance. She has dark curly hair, brown eyes, and looks about my age. Most of all she looks broken. My heart rate begins to elevate as a man approaches her. She turns around and sees the man and starts to run. He quickly follows her and she ends up running to a dead end. She turns around and the man has a creepy smile on his face. I grab the couch and start to breathe a little faster. Is he going to rape her?
Stef must have caught on because she untangles herself from Lena.
"I think that we have had enough TV for one day," Stef says sternly. I hear Mariana groan.
"Come on Mom it is half way through, you can't be serious," as she turns back to the TV. I realize my position must look tense. I slowly make myself relax and pretend to not be bothered. The man is closer to the girl. He slowly approaches her and pushes his body against hers. They turn the camera away from the couple and you see their shadows indicating he was rapping her.
Stef realizes what is happening and runs to shut the TV off. I feel like I am going to throw up. I quickly dash out of the room and into the bathroom to get sick. I feel hands holding my hair back while I continue to throw up with tears pouring down my face. I stop getting sick and feel my hair being pulled into a ponytail. It is Lena. I can tell by her gentle touch and the way she handles my hair. She starts to rub my back and I quickly stand up and back away from her. It is odd to me that I flinched away from her because I haven't done that in so long.
I look down at her on the floor. I see a flash of hurt that is quickly placed with concern. I feel guilty immediately and walk closer to her.
"I am sorry I just feel…" I stop. I don't know how to describe it. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I feel disgusted and can't help but replay what happened with Liam over and over again in my head.
"You feel what honey?" Lena says standing up.
"I just felt vulnerable and then when you touched me I felt myself go into protective mode. Which in that case means no physical contact. I am sorry."
"Babe, I understand completely I am sorry we weren't paying closer attention to what was happening on the TV." Lena says sadly.
"It's not your fault Lena. I really just want to brush my teeth and maybe shower. I feel gross because I got sick but also because of…that. Like I just need to clean myself up or something." I watch Lena's eyes sadden as she nods her head. All I can think about is the knife in my pocket and the strong desire I have to use it. I know the only space I will have to be alone is in the shower. At the same time I do feel gross for both those reasons. Whether I had the knife or not I would still want to clean myself up.
"Okay, let's go." I watch Lena as she reaches for a hug but then hesitates and stops. The emotions that overcome me when she stops her hug overwhelm me. It hurt that she stopped her hug. I know she is doing that out of respect but I never want her to think she can't hug me.
I recover from my emotions and practically run into her throwing my arms around her. I hold onto her tighter than I ever have before. Her arms wrap around me just as tight and I sigh in content. I feel myself completely melting into her body.
"Never think you can't hug me. I will always want hugs from you. I am so used to putting up walls that sometimes I flinch naturally. Push through that and ignore them because I can promise you I will always want you to hold me." I feel her tears hitting my back as she holds on tight and I know they are tears of love.
I pull back and hold her face in my hands. It is almost like we switched places for a second. Like I am the Mom and she is the daughter. I naturally protect and comfort those I love. I mean I acted like Jude's mom for so long that sometimes I instinctively protect people, even my own mothers.
I kiss her cheek and whisper, "I love you….Lena". I was so close to saying Mama. So close. I wonder if she would have cared. I want too so bad but I don't want to feel the rejection or for her to think it is weird. I hug her again and finally pull away.
"Can we please go upstairs now?" I ask her quietly.
"Yes my darling, let's go." She wraps her hand in mine and pulls me out of the bathroom.
Stef's Point of View:
I head towards the bathroom just in time to see Callie and Lena coming out. There is nothing I love more than seeing my wife interacting with our children. This must have been what Lena felt when she saw Callie and I walking into the kitchen with our hands clasped together. Nothing but pure love for my wife and daughter is filling my heart right now.
It breaks my heart when Callie looks up at me shyly. She must feel uncomfortable with everything that has happened. I walk over to her and kiss her cheek. I keep the contact to a minimum. I know that after working with rape victims on the force they can get very fearful at the slightest contact. I also know that Callie's love language is touch so I wanted to reassure her in some way. I could tell the first day Jude got here because she always had part of herself touching him. I just waited for the day when she allowed us to comfort her in that way and fulfill that need.
"We are just going to go upstairs so she can brush her teeth and shower," Lena said before kissing my cheek. I watch them walk towards the stairs. Callie takes the first step and she instantly puts her leg down and grasps a part of her leg right over her pocket. I move towards them and before I can ask what happened she starts talking.
"Sorry, I think I just had a muscle spasm or something. I put my leg up and something clenched in pain. It went away right after I put my leg down." I just nod at her and Lena start to make their way up. I notice how she puts her hand over her pocket. It is normal for people to hold a part of their leg when they feel their muscle clench but the way she has her hand on her leg is not to relieve pressure. It is more like she is trying to cover something.
My cop instincts are in full swing now as I pretend to look away and make it look like I am about to leave the room. She moves her hand from her pocket and I quickly look back up. I see something in it and my heart begins to race. I try to think of the best way to approach this. I know it must be something sharp. I quickly follow them up the stairs and mentally prepare myself for the battle that is about to happen.
Callie's point of View:
I can't believe I almost let them find the knife in my pocket. I was surprised when I lifted my leg and I felt it stab into my thigh. It is not the fact that it hurt, it was that it took me off guard. It definitely did hurt, but I am used to that. Lena's kitchen knives are extremely sharp. Stef got a really nice set for Lena because she loves to cook. She even sharpens them every few days so they work perfectly. They come in all sizes, some very big and some small.
We get to the top of the stairs and I hear someone else coming up. I turn around and it is Stef. My heart beats a little faster. I give her a convincing smile and continue into the bedroom with Lena.
When we get in there I head straight for the bathroom. I open the top drawer and take out my toothbrush and toothpaste. They moved all of my stuff from the kids bathroom into their bathroom. I honestly am surprised that they haven't just moved my bed and dresser in here as well. Lena is resting on the doorframe watching me. I see Stef walk in and move next to Lena. They both have their arms crossed and are watching me carefully but I can see the difference in their eyes. Lena is calm and looking at me cautiously with concern and Stef is also cautious but something is off. I can tell something is bothering her by the way her eyes are looking at me. Almost like she is trying to read me and study my behaviors extensively.
I look away and put the toothpaste on my toothbrush and slowly begin to brush my teeth. Stef walks in and sits behind me on the tub and looks at Lena. Lena follows her because she knows Stef is about to say something serious to me. Even I can tell and I didn't look into Stef's eyes. It is pretty obvious by the fact that she blocked my way to the shower. I feel the knife in my pocket again and turn sideways so it is up against the sink. I can't have them seeing it, I am so close. I continue brushing my teeth avoiding eye contact with either of them. I spit out my toothpaste and hold the toothbrush in my hand. I turn around and stare at them.
"Could I please have some privacy so I can get in the shower please?" I say sweetly.
"Sure ho-" Lena begins but Stef cuts her off.
"Yes you may my love, but first I need you to give me what is in your pocket." I drop the toothbrush on the ground and stare at her in disbelief. How did she know?!
"I am not sure what you are talking about Stef," I say nervously picking up my toothbrush from the ground.
"Baby, I know you have something sharp in your pocket. It wasn't a muscle cramp that hurt you. Something dug into your thigh and you plan to use it against your skin in the shower. I don't want to fight with you. I love you very much and just want you safe. Please give me whatever is in there and I will let you get into the shower." My heart is basically pounding against my chest right now. It is so loud I feel like Stef and Lena can hear it. I glance towards Lena who is studying me carefully. She is completely composed. It amazes me how strong these two women truly are. I always thought Lena was so sensitive and wouldn't be able to handle this when it came to her own children but in reality when it comes to her kids she is a rock. They both are.
"Sweetheart, please just give Mom what's in your pocket. This doesn't have to be hard." Lena says calmly.
I move a little towards the door. Stef inches forward.
"Don't even think about it Callie." Stef says in a very stern voice. I look over at her and before I change my mind I dash out of the bathroom. I get to their door and it is locked. The second it takes me to unlock the door, Stef's arms wrap around my waist and pull me back. Dammit! Of course she locked the door. She knew I would try to run. Even though I am completely irritated and pissed off right now I can't help but feel wanted and cared for over the fact that Stef knew me well enough to lock the door. She has to pay attention to me to actually know that.
I start trying to pull out of Stef's grasps but she holds on tighter. I feel her reach for my pocket and I start using all of my strength. Unfortunately, I am not strong enough. She reaches her hand in my pocket and throws the knife out. I watch Lena run to the knife and pick it up. She stares at it in disbelief. She must realize that is the same knife she used earlier to cut the broccoli for dinner. I stop fighting against Stef and throw myself out of her arms. Stef runs over to the door and just stands in front of it so I don't try to take off again.
"I am sorry I had to physically do that love, but I couldn't let you run out of here with a knife in your pocket. All I want is for you to be healthy and safe." I look over at her and just sigh.
"You ruined my chance." I say angrily, glaring at her.
"Your chance?" Lena questions.
"Don't you get it!," I shout. I lower my voice, afraid the other kids will hear. "Cutting is all I have. It is the only thing that takes the pain away. You ruined it and now I have nothing to make myself feel better." I just sit on the ground and stare at Stef.
"Honey," Lena starts, "there are other ways to release your hurt and anger that will make you feel better. Pain and cutting is not healthy. It may feel good temporarily but in the long run it does more damage than good." I look up to her knowing there is some truth in her statement, but I am too angry to do the mature thing. I don't want to comply. I want to be angry.
"Whatever," I say rudely.
"Watch it lovebug." Stef says sternly. She can handle kids being harsh to herself but when it comes to Lena she doesn't tolerate it. It is honestly sweet.
"Fine." I say grumpily at Stef. "Well then what CAN I do?" I look towards Lena. "Honestly, I am going crazy! I have been stuck in this house for two days without being able to cut, which was my only way to cope. I mean honestly what did you expect an immediate recovery because you guys are here for me? No offense but I mean seriously I feel like I am about to burst. You took the one thing that prevents me from exploding away." If I wasn't so worried about the other kids hearing me I would have shouted that. I just coat my voice thick with anger so they get the message.
"Well, for starters just saying that helps." Lena says. "It may not give you the immediate relief you are looking for, but keeping feelings pent up creates the desire to cut stronger. Keep talking to us and explaining how you feel. If you want to cut, tell us and we can talk through it. I know you are into photography. Maybe try drawing or painting to keep your hands busy. That way you are still using your hands but are not using them to cut. You can work out. It helps release endorphins and stress when you sweat which helps calm your emotions. You know how you like to run when things get hard?" I roll my eyes and earn a glare from Stef. I sigh and slowly nod. "Maybe running with Mom like she does in the morning will relieve some of the desire to do that. You can run your heart out for an hour and then come home. Maybe that would help you. Your counselor will give you more ideas and you will work with her to discover which one will work best for you. We can try all these things together if you would like. We will think of something."
"I really doubt any of those will work Lena." I say glaring. "Why do you even care that I cut myself anyways. I am not going to die. I just want relief. Who cares if I have cuts on my arms it's not going to kill me."
"It can." Stef says sternly. "People accidentally cut too deep all the time. I have seen it. Or your emotional state could change drastically while you are cutting and your original intentions to just inflict pain could cause you to want to do more damage than you planned. Also, you could have the cuts get infected. It is not healthy for your emotions either because you think you deserve pain. You shouldn't inflict pain, to rid pain. You should use healthy things to stop pain, not add more of it." I am impressed with Stef's insight. I thought Lena was the smart one about this stuff.
"Can you guys just please leave me alone?" I snap.
"No," Stef says harshly. "But you already knew that. You can get in the shower but I am going to sit in the bathroom with you. That is not up for discussion either so it would be in your best interest to just accept that." I don't even say anything, I just sit here. I cross my legs and put my head in my hands with my elbows resting on my knees. I just stare at the wall and don't say anything.
"Well it is only seven o clock do you want to play a game or something if you don't feel like showering? Tomorrow I was thinking we could go to the beach or a park, anywhere outside." I try not to get excited when Stef says we get to go somewhere tomorrow. I am surprised because I am grounded but I think she realizes I need some fresh air or I am going to go crazy. I don't want her to think I have forgiven her yet so I just stare straight ahead at the wall.
"No?" Stef tries again. "Do you want to do anything or just sit there?" I keep staring at the wall. "Fine, well I guess that means I will have to sit down and stare at the wall too." Stef smirks. I have to fight the smile that is threatening to come on my face. Thankfully I succeed.
I see Stef out of the corner of my eye come down and sit next to me. She gets in the exact same position and stares at the wall too. I have to fight off another smile.
"Well, I definitely could think of better ways to spend our time together, but if you insist then fine." I watch Lena come on the other side of me and get into the same exact position as Stef and I. They are really close to me, but just far enough away that we aren't touching. This time I cannot help the smile on my face so I move my hand over my mouth and bring my head down slowly.
Stef and Lena look down at me and I know they can tell I am smiling. I hear shuffling and Stef and Lena stand up. I am looking down so I can't actually see them anymore. About ten seconds later I see two faces looking up at me. They both are laying down on their backs with their heads directly at my knees. They have really big smiles on their faces and just stare at me.
I can't help but laugh and try to stand up. They both quickly grab an arm and throw me down on top of them. It takes them a second but they spin me around so I am laying down just like them on my back but in-between the two of them.
"I think it is time for a Mama sandwich." I hear Lena declare. I decide I may as well play along and gasp. I get wide eyes and pretend to stand up but they quickly wrap their arms around me and each begin kissing my cheeks repeatedly. I can't help but laugh as they do this for quite a long time. Finally they stop and just hold onto me tight. We sit there in silence for a little bit and finally Lena speaks up.
"You know baby, I think your siblings want to spend some time with you." I just look at Lena. I am afraid for them to see me so vulnerable especially since I can never handle my emotions and I can never control how I feel. It does kill me though because I do miss them. Especially Jude. All I want is for him safely tucked in my arms laughing as I smother him in kisses. I realize he must be worried about me and feel weird not knowing what is going on completely. I also start to feel guilty with all of the time I have been taking up from Stef and Lena. They have other kids too. They need their Mom's too.
"I was thinking we could all play a game," Lena tries again. "We haven't had a family game night in forever."
"Aren't I grounded?" I smirk.
"Oh certainly, but you can always have family time. Sometimes even the ones who are grounded need a little bit of fun." Stef says playfully.
"Alright, fine." I say needing to see my siblings. Stef and Lena stand up and I just stay there on the ground feeling really anxious all of a sudden. Why do I feel so nervous to play a game with my family? I know it is weird, but I feel like they are going to be mad. I mean the last time I saw them all together I begged them to lie for me.
"Callie?" I hear Lena say. For some reason I feel a tear trickle down my face and I am not even sure why it is there. This is what I meant when I told Stef my emotions are screwed up. I am not sure why I am feeling so sad all of a sudden. Should I tell Stef and Lena I am scared they will be mad at me? Not that they lied for me because then we will all be in trouble. The last time I spoke to Jude alone he forced me to go tell Stef and Lena I cut myself. Then I asked him to lie for me. I was surprised he did it honestly. I think the only reason he did was because he was thankful for our siblings at the moment and it felt good for people to have our backs. I just hope he doesn't crack. Not for my sake but for Brandon, Mariana, and Jesus because what they did was very sweet.
"Callie baby?" It was Stef this time. I turn my head and they are still standing looking at me extremely worried. I must have spaced out for quite a while. I am kind of grateful that they gave me time to think.
I stand up quickly and say, "sorry."
"Are you alright sweets?" Stef says gently.
"Oh yeah I was just thinking." I say reassuringly.
"Want to share?" Lena says hopefully.
"Uhm, it's nothing. Truly we should go play. I bet everyone else misses you guys. I have been with you a lot. Maybe only one of you should stay with me while the other goes and spends time with the other kids so they don't think I am getting more attention than them. I don't want them to be upset." I am honestly impressed with myself that I just voiced that concern. I mean seriously, that was a big step.
Lean walks closer to me and smiles. "I guarantee you, they are not upset. They love you and miss you. All they want is some quality time with their sister. That is why I think it is a good idea that we all go do something fun together. Alright?"
"Alright," I agree. I am thankful for my long sleeve shirt I decided to wear earlier. I wouldn't have wanted them to see the bandage. Stef catches me looking at my arm and comes over to kiss it. Sometimes I think she is more affectionate than me.
"We will clean your arm after the game, yes?" I nod knowing I have no choice. I look into Stef's eyes and feel our connection again. I haven't let myself feel it in fear of my emotions going whack. I hadn't let myself look into her eyes for more than five seconds a time. I can't help myself as I get lost in Stef's eyes and physically shiver at the love that is pouring through them. Lena is just watching us in awe as Stef and I tell each other we love one another. I look away and kiss her cheek, then do the same to Lena.
"Let's go get everyone," I say and walk out of the room. One by one I get all my siblings, with moms directly behind me of course, and they all are eager to spend time with us. I can't help but feel loved and cared for. We all make it downstairs and go around the table waiting as Jude picks out a game for us to play.
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