Welcome back!

You stay out the way at the hospital. At some point maybe you were immediate family but now you serve as nothing but a warm distant memory. His kids trickle in one by one and you stand to the side with pleasantries and regret asking, how have you beens?

Because how the fuck can you be when your mother is dashing on the line between life and death?

There's an awkward gray area you want to fill but it's unnecessary at this point. Because Kathy Stabler is in ICU and unconscious. It only gives more fuel to Elliot when you find him in your office pacing back and forth while he begs you to trust him.

Trust him.

You hold back the laughter that bubbles inside because the last time you fully trusted him he left you to rot in Manhattan without him.

"I can't let you in there. Are you crazy?" All eyes are on you. Kat and Carisi are in your office while the suspect you've just collared sits in the interrogation room beside you. They know you as Captain Olivia Benson, a woman who takes absolutely no bullshit from anyone these days. But your hardened side begins to weaken with each blink of an eye when you look over at him.

"He just put himself a half block away from the car," and then suddenly he's in front of you just inches away from your face, cornering you in your own office. It puts you between a rock and a hard place- literally. Between the wall and the hard planes of his chest, you find yourself sputtering but you stand your ground until he says. "Let's work it," as he looks at you with those sad, sad blue eyes of his. Bloodshot to hell from the tears he has cried in private you're sure.

And you shudder inside. Just the physical being of you there while the ghost of your past hovers over the two of you. A decade has gone by but those three words send you back into oblivion. Into the world where it was just the two of you working a case, going into interrogation without needing to say a single word to one another to know the next move.

And you're ready to give into him until Carisi denies him for you.

"Detective, all due respect but you shouldn't even be in the squadroom right now," and you feel the rage bounce off the walls as it radiates off of Elliot. You know him. You know his temper. You know how irrational he can be when someone he loves is in danger. You know because he has reacted the same way about you.

"Says the lawyer to the cop!" He snaps and you stand behind him, knowing it's best to just let this play out. "...I've worked plenty of these cases over the last few years," and suddenly he's turned back around and locked right back into you. "Liv, I need to talk to him."

"You need to be at the hospital," you try to sound strong but you're failing horribly.

"Liv," there he goes using that nickname again. And it's not like it's special by any means. It is possibly the most obvious one to be used, but the thing is it's different when it falls from his lips. "I give you my word. I'll behave," eye contact is never broken. He's looking so deep into your eyes it's impossible to look away. He's pleading with you. He says he will behave and you don't you have ever seen him beg this much in your life.

The old you wins and suddenly you're on his heels behind him, following him into interrogation.

…..

It bites you in the ass of course. His temper was already walking on a thin line, and you gave him all the more ammo to completely lose it. He lunged and you of course caught him before his hands could make contact with anyone but you. He's stronger now, more swift on his feet, and you think if it weren't for a biting intuition you would not have known to get a headstart on him. It's aggravating, because he has put you in a horrible position now. You are a Captain. Not the Detective that you once were when he was around. There's no getting in trouble and being called into Cragen's office because goddammit you are Cragen now. The consequences are much larger now.

The anger has to be stowed away for now because Kathy is awake and you have to ask her a few questions leading up to the explosion. Elliot sits next to her bed, a hand resting gently around one of hers that's thrown across her middle. He looks at her with a weariness, as if any motion made may possibly break her. You stand to the side practically on the furthest side of the room, watching from a distance like you always were obligated to do.

You feel like an asshole. The woman is practically hanging on for dear life and the only thing you can think about is why was it never you in the end? One of the last memories of when he used to look at you like that. With so much love and admiration across from you in bed. The only ones who knew about you were the moon and sun as they gazed in through your bedroom windows. The only ones who were able to witness an irresistible love.

"I'm sorry I ruined your big award ceremony," Kathy apologizes and you feel the inside of you churn. She's a saint, even just barely lucid in the hospital after almost being blown to pieces. The guilt suddenly bubbles up and those two years of sneaking behind her back begin to haunt you as you look at her.

"You did me a favor. I hate making speeches," and you sound like you've just put your foot in your mouth.

Yes, thank you for being on the list as someone to kill tonight.

Except she doesn't take it this way. She offers you as much of a smile as she can and goes on to tell you how much she remembers. Which isn't a lot but she is extremely apologetic. "You're fine. It's fine," he whispers to her and rubs the top of her blonde head. It breaks you a little more and you think you will not only pray for Kathy, but for yourself tonight.

"I'm sorry," and now you're the one apologizing when your phone goes off. You see it's a call from your son coming from his ipad. It is the early morning and you're not home like you promised you would be last night when he woke up.

"Hi honey," you answer and excuse yourself from the room.

"Hi mommy. Where are you?" He's still in his pajamas and that sweet face of his is still ridden with sleep. You think maybe he has only been awake for a few minutes and pestered his nanny, Lucy, until she let him call you. She knows how busy you are and the chances of you answering were probably slim.

"I'm working on a really big case right now. I'm sorry I wasn't home this morning when you woke up."

"It's okay. You have to catch bad guys and save the city," he comforts your guilt. It makes you feel like an awful mother because your boy has grown used to not having you around sometimes due to the job. It used to be you calming him and not being able to wipe his tears through the phone. Oddly enough, the roles have reversed.

"I will try and be home tonight for bedtime, okay?" a smile breaks across his face and his two adult teeth in the front show. His smile is so soft like his father's and you have to look away for a split second.

"Okay mommy. I love you," he kisses the screen and you kiss him right back. You forget there's a wall of glass looking into Kathy's room and do not notice Elliot watching from afar.

"I love you too sweet boy," the call ends and you swallow that ache before going back into the room where his father, who has no idea he exists, sits with his wife.

"Sorry about that," you enter the room and it feels awkward. Do you mention who that call was from or pick up where the conversation left off?

"No way you were making kissy faces at Fin," Elliot jokes and Kathy gets a light laugh out of it. Or at least tries to despite the pain she's facing.

"Ha, no-uh, that was my uh, that was my son," your throat feels just a little tight because it kills you to lie to him. It takes everything in you not to say our son. But it doesn't matter because the news of you becoming a mother pains him just the same. He may hide his shock and grief with his face but you can read his eyes easily enough. They go even darker, the ocean blue you've learned to love does deeper like a storm that brews. He's going through all the stages of grief right in front of you and you can't even imagine if he only knew who gave you that beautiful boy of yours.

"A son? Good for you. How old is he?" You swallow hard at the question.

"He just turned nine," and for a moment you feel the air go cold and your legs begin to feel like lead. They're heavy and planted in place as you hold eye contact with him across the room. You see the wonder swirling inside of him but he fights it. He probably feels crazy for thinking even a second that he could possibly be…

Maybe you recklessly rebounded after he left and that's how you got that baby. Or maybe the adoption agencies finally got their heads on right and gave you the family you always deserved.

"Can I see a picture?" Kathy asks and you just might puke up the muffin you managed to eat earlier. You nod and pull up the most recent picture of him which happens to be a picture you two took just the other day. You've got your black thick framed glasses on and your boy is right up next to you. Your heads lean on one another and he's smiling close mouthed to hide his teeth- still nervous to smile after losing a few. But it's enough to make his dimple show and God, it reminds you so much of him. His eyes so blue and his messy brown curls. It makes her want to drop everything and go home to him right now.

"Oh he's beautiful," she gushes over the photo as you hold your phone out and Elliot looks over too. He looks a little sick in the face and it makes you choke back the sob you want to let out. You had a baby while he was gone and he missed it. He doesn't even fathom if it's his or not. The point is he missed one of the most important moments in your life. And it's all his damn fault.

"Thank you," you lock your phone and tuck it away in your pocket for now.

"Who's the lucky guy?" Elliot lets the question escape him.

"It's just me and my boy- my Noah," you say his name out loud and you make sure it's known that he's yours and yours only. It has always been team you and him.

"Well he's fortunate to have you."

"You miss a lot in 10 years. I can't believe you two haven't spoken since then," Kathy rasps. It's funny she's the one to bring up in the last 12 or so hours since his return into her life. "The two of you together. Always so in sync," and you can't believe the words are even leaving her mouth to begin with. She's right- you do miss a lot in 10 years. "You two really didn't talk for ten years?"

"I didn't even know he was back on the job," you tell her the truth of it all. Your husband, my partner of twelve years, cut me off completely.

"It's true, Kathy."

I'm sorry, he wants to say. You can see it in his eyes when he gives you the saddest fucking smile you ever seen.

Kathy lets out a soft sigh and her eyes fade closed and it sends Elliot into a slight panic.

"Kathy? Hey, honey you alright?" He goes back to brushing her hair back. A comforting gesture, any touch to let her know that he was right there beside her.

"I'm okay," she says barely above a whisper. You look on again from a comfortable distance. Each stroke that he makes, the gold band on his finger shines directly in your line of sight. Reminding you he was never yours to begin with.

"I should go. Let you get some rest," you don't think you can hardly take anymore in this moment. You got all the answer you could from her so why continue to torture yourself in this room?

"Thank you, Olivia," she manages before falling back asleep.

Elliot thanks you too and you can only let the corners of your mouth turn a little before seeing yourself out. A part of you manages to get a few feet before your body wills itself to turn around and torture yourself one last time.

Chapters will slowly get longer and time jump between then and now. Boy am I excited.
twitter: bb_bensler

Elliot holds his wife's hand and continues to stroke her hair as she nods off to sleep. The only effort at recovery she can make right now. He watches her with loving eyes filled with concern and desperate to keep her safe. You miss for a moment when he would look at you like that from across your desk. But that time is long gone.

As Kathy said, you miss a lot in 10 years.

Even if that means the affair you had with your partner.