I wake up before Stef and Lena. That doesn't happen very often; it must be early. I look at the clock and am surprised that it is eight in the morning. That is like sleeping in for moms. They must really be tired. I feel guilty because I know I am the cause of that. I am almost tempted to get up and get some fresh air but I know they will be mad. I don't want to ruin my chances of going to the beach. I stare at Lena and watch her sleep so peacefully. Sometimes I feel like I hurt her because of the relationship Stef and I have. I hope she realizes that I don't love Stef more than her. I feel Stef moving next to me and close my eyes.
"Good morning, sweets." I just smile at her, still too tired to actually say anything.
"Wow," Stef says looking at the clock, "It's late." I look at her questioningly that she thinks eight is late.
"Hey I am old." Stef defends.
"And loud," Lena grumbles, opening her eyes. "Morning love bug," Lena says while kissing my cheek. "Morning Sweetheart," Lena says, kissing Stef on the lips.
"I want to be at the beach by ten." Stef says sitting up. "Pack lunch and spend all day there. We can walk to the pier for dinner. Does that sound fun baby?" She says, looking at me.
"I still don't get why you guys want me to have fun. I am grounded." I see Stef smirk.
"True, but you also have had a long week and have a reason for uncontrollable emotions. We are more lenient because you are going through a hard time. BUT, you are only allowed to have fun WITH us." Lena smiles. "I think a day out as a family is a good idea anyways so you might as well enjoy it."
"Why don't I wake everyone else up while you and Callie go make something for breakfast, yes?" Stef says to Lena.
"Sure baby," Lena says as she takes my hand dragging me out of bed and down the stairs. Clearly, she wants me close.
I help Lena make eggs, bacon, and pancakes. Everyone slowly makes their way downstairs and I can't help but be comforted by the normalcy of it all. It's chaotic but perfect. That is exactly how we are. Breakfast was over rather quickly because everyone was ready to get to the beach.
Lena has me and Mariana in an assembly line making sandwiches, while Stef takes the boys to get chairs, blankets, coolers, and beach toys. Our family trips to the beach is one of my favorite things to do.
Stef instructs everyone to get their bathing suit, towel, a change of clothes, and a sweatshirt just in case. I watch my siblings fly up the steps and get irritated that I can't go get my own stuff.
"Uhm can someone come with me to get my stuff?" I ask without any hint of attitude. It took a lot of effort.
"Sure baby, let's go." Lena says, guiding me up the stairs. I catch the smile between Stef and Lena. I know that me asking them to come with me kindly, instead of running off or having an attitude, is seen as an improvement. At least it makes them happy. Only for them do I have the strength to push my attitude away.
We get to my room and Mariana is trying on five different bathing suits and cover ups while trying to figure out which towel matches best. I can't help the giggle that escapes my mouth due to her need to always look so put together and fashionable. We are so different but it is one of the many things I love about her.
I go to my drawer and open it to remember I left my bathing suit at school. We are swimming in gym.
"Oh no!" I moan.
"What!?" Lena panics, overreacting way too much.
"Goodness chill, I left my bathing suit at school." I am kind of surprised by my reaction. I had full on attitude with Lena. I think I always thought she was so fragile but the more I let her in the more I see how strong she truly is.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, I was just upset. I only have one bathing suit." I say softly. Lena looks frustrated, but I can't read her. Why would she be upset that I apologized? Is she mad I left my bathing suit at school? "It was an accident." I say nervously. "I don't have to swim."
"Oh no honey it's no big deal we will find something for you to wear. I am not upset at all." I look at her confused. So she was upset I apologized? I'm still confused. I'm not sure what to do.
"Ok, thanks." I say nervously.
"You can wear one of mine!" Mariana squeals excitedly. "I have some adorable ones. Look through there," she says pointing to her pile of bathing suits on the bed. "I can give you a matching cover up and towel too!" She is way too excited about a bathing suit. I can't help but smile at her though.
I look through the bathing suits and start to get anxious when I realize these are all two pieces.
"Are these all you have?" I ask Mariana trying to keep the panic out of my voice. I really don't want to explain why I can't wear a bikini.
"You don't like them?" She asks sounded hurt.
"No they are great, I just don't usually wear two pieces." She just nods confused at this.
"They are all two pieces," I say looking at Lena with wide eyes. I can feel myself start to breathe heavily. I am so emotional it doesn't take a lot to get me worked up. I can't wear a bikini with my stomach!
"Callie come with me honey." Lena ushers me out of the room rather quickly and into her room. She cups my face and breathes deeply wanting me to do the same. I follow her breathing and bring my face close to hers so our foreheads are touching. The only sound in the room is our deep breaths as she slowly brings me back to sanity.
"I can't wear a two piece Lena. I can't let them see my stomach! I was already stressed about my wrists." I whisper crying.
"Baby," Lena says wiping the tears off my face. "It will be okay. I have an idea." She grabs my hand and brings me over to her dresser.
"Look." I watch as Lena grabs a white shirt out from a drawer. "It's a surf shirt for wearing when you are swimming. It's perfect. Mariana will even accept it because white goes with everything!" I smile at her.
I give her a big hug and bury my head in her chest. "I love you Mama."
"What baby?" It took me a lot of courage to say Mama to her out loud. The fact that she didn't hear me made me completely lose my confidence.
"I said I love you Lena".
"I love you too baby. Let's go! I am ready to spend a day at the beach with you."
"Me too." I wish I could have called her Mama but it was hard enough to say it the first time. I fear complete rejection. When Lena and I get downstairs everyone is ready and waiting to go. We all pile into the car and head out for the beach. I choose to sit in the back just for some space. Of course Stef and Lena noticed, because they notice everything.
I stare out the window while there is conversation going around throughout the car. Even though I don't partake in the conversation at this exact moment, I feel content. I don't have to worry about anything and it feels so normal. "We are here!" I hear Jude yell pulling me out of my trance. I feel kind of weird. What does it look like to be grounded at the beach? I know moms said I could have fun but am I allowed to do things without them?
I step out of the car and feel my breath hitch in my throat. I see the back of a man's head and I swear that it is Liam. I can feel myself start to get worked up. I put all of my strength and energy into staying calm and keeping my breathing elevated. I can't see the face, but I am almost certain it is him. I feel my pulse quicken and I know I am probably pale.
"Callie, come on bug." I hear Stef shout at me. They have already headed towards the sand. Her voice gives me instant relief and it is enough to push the feelings away and give me enough strength to close the car door. I look over to her and nod and then look back and the man is gone. I can't help the chill that runs through my entire body. I run over to Stef and get so close to her it is hard to walk without falling. I put one arm around her and she instinctively puts one around me. I feel safe when I am wrapped in her arms. Out of Liam's reach. My brain must be playing tricks on me. There is no way Liam is here.
We find a spot and set up camp. Jesus puts a huge umbrella up that Stef and Lena set chairs underneath. I lay a towel underneath it right next to Stef and Mariana next to me in the sun. I want to be close to Stef. I don't want to leave her side. I am all shaken up about thinking I saw Liam. Stef laid out a huge blanket for the boys. They throw their towels on it, take off their shirts and charge into the water. They put sunscreen on before we got here so that they could get to the water faster.
"Come here babies, you need sunscreen." Stef says, gesturing towards me and Mariana. We go over to Stef and Lena who each have a bottle. I stand in front of Lena as she sprays sunscreen on every inch of exposed skin. I can't help but smile at the way they take care of me. Even the simple act of applying sunscreen makes me feel loved. No one has cared enough to want to even put it on me. After Lena finishes I turn around and give her a big kiss on the cheek. Every time I am around her I feel the need to call her Mama. I push the thought away and go lay on my towel. I angle my body so I am pressed against Stef's chair. Even though it is just her chair I need to feel as close to her as possible.
Mariana is already laying down and has her eyes closed trying to get a tan. Lena and Stef are quietly talking about the boys in the water as I stare at the top of the umbrella. I am afraid to close my eyes. I stare for about ten minutes listening to the waves and Lena and Stef's voices. I am not listening to what they are saying but just the sound of their voices make me feel safe and comforted.
"I think I am going to head in the water." Stef says standing up. I start to feel anxious about her leaving me. I can't be here without her. What if I really did see Liam.
"WAIT!" I cry loudly. It was such an immediate reaction I had no time to mask the panic in my voice. I try to control myself as I am on the verge of tears.
Stef turns around and rushes back to my side. I bite my lip so I don't let any tears fall and try to think of an excuse for my outburst.
"Baby, what's wrong? I am right here." I don't want to tell her I thought I saw Liam. They will think I am insane or something. I can't believe I am seeing things.
"Sorry. I just want to come to the water with you." I look into Stef's eyes. She knows I am lying.
"Love, what is it? Why were you so scared that I was going down there?" Stef is studying me very carefully. She is trying to look for any signs that help explain my reaction.
"I just want to be with you, is that so bad?" I can feel myself starting to get defensive.
"No love. You can come with me, but I know there is something more. We can talk about it later."
"Oh joy." I mumble.
"I heard that Callie," Stef smirks.
"I know." I smirk back trying to make her think I am okay. She takes my hand and we start walking towards the water. When we get about half way she puts her arm around my waist and stops me from walking forward.
"Babe, I let it go because I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable because I know Mariana was watching us, but I have never heard so much fear and panic in your voice that I know it was something serious. I saw the terror in your eyes, love and it scared me. Please let me know what's wrong so I can help you. I hated seeing you so afraid." I don't say anything, I just look at the ground. "I can tell ever since you got here that something is wrong. You were leaning against my chair just to be close. I am not complaining, I love that you want to be close to me, but I know there is something you are not telling me." I still stay looking to the ground. How did she even realize I was leaning against her chair for comfort? Seriously sometimes it freaks me out how observant they are. We can never get away with anything. "Please don't shut me out, love." She lifted my head up.
"I am fine." Stef gives me a small smile, not convinced. I know she will keep a closer eye on me, but at this moment it is actually in my favor. I am afraid to be without her.
She guides me towards the water and we get to where the water is at our knees. She gets a mischievous look on her face and I know she is about to tackle me into the ocean. Before she can get the chance I run away from her. I squeal when I look back and see her chasing me. I can't help but laugh as I run away from Stef. I look up at Lena who is watching us with an amused smile. Stef keeps getting closer and closer and I know I am not going to be able to outrun her. I quickly cut up the beach and get to Lena. I dive behind her and grab her around the waist.
"Mama, help me!" I continue laughing. Lena turns around and looks at me slightly shocked, with the biggest smile I have ever seen. I finally called her Mama. Stef stops at my words of calling her Mama and is smiling just like Lena. I watch Lena rise to her feet and tackle Stef to the ground. Stef and I both gasp. Lena has never done anything like that in front of us before. Stef starts laughing so hard at Lena's actions that she can't muster up the strength to get her off of her. I can't help but laugh with them. I look over to Mariana who is fast asleep. I wish she could have seen that. Lena is still on top of Stef and dips down to kiss her. Once she is done kissing Stef she climbs off of her and walks over to me. I can see that she has a few tears in her eyes as she brings me into a bear tight hug. I think I just felt a bone snap.
"Can't breathe." I whisper to Lena who giggles.
"Sorry baby. I just love you so much. Your Mama loves you so much." I guess she liked me calling her Mama. That is a big relief, I don't know why I was so nervous. She kisses my forehead and turns around when we hear Stef's voice.
"That was evil, bug. You turned Mama against me." Stef tries to sound threatening but she can't stop smiling which makes her less intimidating. Lena moves behind me as Stef starts walking towards me. I back up only to bump into Lena who wraps her arms around me from behind. Oh no. I think I have just been played.
"Let go." I start to laugh.
"You see love," Stef starts as she walks forward. "Mama may help you out, but in the end her and I are always a team." I gasp as Lena tightens her grip. Stef walks closer and closer painfully slow.
"No!" I half laugh and scream. "Traitor!" I yell at Lena. I feel Lena laugh behind me. Stef is right in front of me at this point. Before I know what is happening Stef wraps me up in a huge hug between her and Lena. I think she is about to pull back but she quickly dips down and picks me up in her arms carrying me like a baby and heads down to the water.
"Mariana help!" I look at Mariana who sits up and takes a few minutes to figure out what is happening. Mariana laughs and runs towards us. I fling my arms to try to get loose, but it is too hard because I am laughing too much. I kick my legs hard and thought that I am about to be free until Stef repositions me and I end up on her hip as if she was holding a toddler. It makes me blush, but before I can react and be embarrassed we are at the edge of the water. I look back to find that Lena has caught Mariana and she is being tickled.
"Looks like it is just you and me," Stef says smirking. She is freakishly strong. I guess she has to be because she is a cop. "You are going in so you might as well just embrace it. I promise I will throw you in, one way or another." I decide to change my tactics. If she is throwing me in, she is going with me. I change my position so I am in front of her and wrap my legs around her waist and my arms around her neck. Stef stumbles with my position change. She laughs at what I have just done and says, "Fine, looks like we are both going in." I guess I should have guessed she didn't care to go in the water, but at least we both go under instead of her just throwing me in. I don't want to give her that satisfaction. The first time we went to the beach she threw Jude in. She tried with me one other time, but I wouldn't go near her the rest of the day.
She runs into the water and jumps, submerging us both fully underwater. As fast as she puts us under she pulls us back out. I know she wants to make sure I am okay. I don't have time to register the stinging of my cuts until I breathe in some air. The saltwater makes my cuts burn so bad. I don't want to draw attention to myself because the boys have made their way over. I just put pressure on them which gives them a little relief. Brandon and Jesus instantly tackle Stef and now all of them are wrestling in the water. Jude makes his way over to me. He looks so happy. I would do anything to see this pure joy stay on his face.
"This may be the best day ever," Jude says as he gets right next to me. I know my voice may crack because of the pain I am feeling so I just nod and force a big smile on my face.
"Want to try and surf?" He asks me hopefully. Normally I would have said yes but having to start off laying on the surfboard makes me cringe at the thought of it brushing against my stomach.
"Maybe next time bud. I don't think I would even be able to stand up and my stomach hurts." I realized it might look suspicious that I continue to clutch my stomach so I may as well just act like I have a stomachache. My stomach is starting to get itchy, really itchy. It is taking all my strength not to scratch at the cuts. I can't help it as I scratch it for a tiny bit over the shirt. It gives me instant relief. I scratch it a few more times until the relief turns into pain, so I apply more pressure.
Jude and I just float there talking for a few minutes until we feel splashes on our faces as Stef, Brandon, and Jesus make their way over. They come over as we all tread water and talk. I instinctively move over to Stef. She looks over at me as I move next to her. I just avoid her gaze. I don't feel safe unless I am next to her.
"I have too much salt water in my eyes. I am getting out for now." Stef declares swimming towards shore. I follow her. As we get to the shore I run beside her to catch up. She looks over at me and wraps her arm around my shoulder.
"You know if you need to talk about anything Mama and I are right here, yes?" I just look up at her and nod. I snuggle closer and wrap both my arms around her waist. I feel her sigh. I know it drives her crazy that I am keeping something from her. She is really worried too.
We get to the top and Stef sits in her chair. I avoid my towel entirely and sit in front of Stef's knees leaning my back against her legs.
Stef's Point of view:
I look over to Lena as Callie sits in front of my legs. "See?" I mouth to her. She gives me a puzzled look in return. I shrug my shoulders at her indicating that I have no clue what is going on. I am concerned because I can tell she is afraid of something but I don't know what. Did she have a bad experience at the beach before? I try to think of every possibility, but I am stumped.
I feel Lena intertwine her fingers into mine and it makes me smile. She seriously is the love of my life. She completes me like no other. I don't feel complete unless Lena is by my side. She squeezes my hand to get my attention. Once I lock eyes with her she looks at Callie. She points to her own stomach, which causes me to look over at Callie who is tightly pressing down on hers.
"Baby?" Lena says. She directed this at Callie, but she must be deep in thought because she doesn't hear her. "Callie baby?" Lena tries again. I watch Callie snap her head up a little too quickly and look at Lena.
"Your stomach okay?" She asks calmly. My wife's voice is so naturally soothing it's incredible. I watch Callie as she turns around and removes her hand. The white surf shirt Lena lent her has a blood spot over where her cuts are. I grab Lena's purse that has a first aid kit in it and get out some waterproof Band-Aids and a wipe.
"What happened?" Lena has now moved down next to Callie and is trying to lift her shirt, but Callie has taken hold of Lena's hands and prevents her from doing so. I watch Callie look over at Mariana and visibly relax by the fact that she is asleep. She then looks to the boys and they are occupied in the water. She removes her hold on Lena's hands and allows her to lift her shirt. I can't help but feel relieved that she trusts Lena enough to let her lift her shirt. The only reason she stopped her the first time was because she was afraid other people were looking. I cringe at the look of the cuts when Lena moves the shirt out of the way. They are puffy and red and three of them have blood coming out of them. I am hoping they are not infected.
"Sweets, did you scratch them?" I ask moving down to the ground with Lena. I notice scratch marks around the cuts, but I ask her anyway. She looks up at me and nods, biting her lip. I clean up the blood and apply probably too many waterproof Band-Aids.
"I am sorry I stained your shirt." She says looking at Lena. She looks ashamed like she just committed a crime.
"It's okay sweetheart," Lena assures, "We can probably get it out. Here want me to rinse it out with some water so you can put it back on? I have some tide to go too. That way no one will see the blood?" A smile of gratitude appears on Callie's lips as she nods again.
I get real close to her and pull her up close to me. I can tell she needs the extra assurance by the way she has been following me around. I just wish she would tell me why. I feel her bury her head into my chest. I can't tell if she is crying but I just hold her tight whispering that I love her over and over again.
"Alright honey I got it all out. See? No harm done and no one will know." Lena is so good. She is so much better at this than me.
"Thanks Mama." Callie whispers.
"You are welcome baby," Lena smiles, rubbing her back. I watch her hand Callie the shirt and she instantly slips it over her head. I know she didn't like sitting so exposed with her cuts out like that. With Callie still in my arms I feel Lena lean her head against my other shoulder. My family is so touchy. Callie and I are both the most affectionate but Lena is a close second. When it is the three of us we just cuddle all the time, but that is okay with me because touch is my love language too.
Callie's Point of View:
"Uhm, Mom?" I whisper.
"Yes, my love?" Stef says and I can hear the smile in her voice. I guess she is still getting used to me calling her that.
"I have to go to the bathroom." I look up at her and Lena. I am not allowed to be alone and I don't want to be.
"Actually so do I honey," Lena exclaims. "Come on, I will take you." I watch her stand up. No, I need Stef. What if Liam really is here and tries to get to me. Stef is a cop. I don't move.
"Actually I changed my mind." I say not leaving Stef's embrace. I feel Stef unwrap her arms from me.
"Love, Mama will go with you. You will be fine." Stef says standing up and reaching out to grab my hand and help me up. I just look at her, not taking her hand, staying seated. I start getting worked up.
"No. I don't have to go anymore." I said a little louder than normal.
"You changed your mind form five seconds ago?" Stef says impatiently. She hates when we raise our voice even if it is only a slight elevation.
"Can you take me?" I say looking up at Stef. I feel my eyes start to well up as I look up at Stef. I see Stef look at Lena who looks hurt. I don't mean to hurt her, but Stef can protect me if need be.
"Callie, Mama will go with you. What's going on love? You are confusing us."
"Nothing." I say defensively. "Can't you just come with us?" I look at Stef giving her the biggest eyes I can muster up.
"Sweetheart I don't understand why you are so against going to the bathroom with me?" Lena said. I hate that I am hurting her feelings.
"I just want to be with you. Please." I say as my breathing starts to get irregular. It breaks my heart that I have to outwardly say I want Stef but I don't know what else to do. I sneak a peek at Lena and see that a mixture of pure hurt and sadness are etched on her face. Damn. I need to fix this.
"Okay." I say standing up taking Lena's hand. "I am sorry I want you to take me." I am terrified but I would rather me be scared than Lena be hurt. I see confusion on both their faces. They must think I am going crazy. My emotions are going back and forth more than normal and they don't even know why this time.
"Uhm, okay?" Lena says, puzzled. I bet she thinks I am just doing it to make her feel better.
"I really want you to take me Mama, I am sorry about before I was just being defiant." I knew that if I threw in that I just wanted to be defiant they wouldn't think it was that out of character because of how I have been acting lately.
"Okay baby, let's go." I take Lena's extended hand and can't help the fact that it is shaking.
"You okay honey?" Lena looks over as we continue to walk. I am making her hand shake too.
"Yup!" I say overenthusiastically. I get real close and wrap my arms around her just like I did Stef before. I still feel safe in Lena's arms. It is just there is an extra comfort by the fact that Stef is a cop and is crazy strong. I inwardly groan when we get to the bathroom because there is a line going out both the women's and men's restroom. The sun is beating down on us so I unwrap myself from Lena because it is too hot. There are three people ahead of us until we actually get into the bathroom itself. I look around and glance towards the five boys standing outside the bathroom and my heart stops when I see my worst enemy. Staring directly at my face is Liam.
I try not to freak out. I slowly back up into Lena and we both almost lose our balance. She looks down at me questioningly as she grabs me around the waist to steady ourselves so we don't fall over. I try to think of what I should do. I don't like that Liam has seen Lena. Should I make her go back to the beach or should I stay there and pretend like nothing happened. Should I tell Lena that it's him? I am not sure what to do. I decide not to make a scene. Liam threatened me and said that if I told anyone he would hurt Jude. Maybe I could tell her secretively. I slowly turn my head and look back at him. He is not looking in this direction. Now is my chance.
I hit Lena to get her attention suddenly. She looks down at me and I mouth "Liam". She mouth's back "what?" At least she knows I am trying to be discreet. I look over at Liam again who averts his eyes when he sees me look at him. Usually he would try to make me uncomfortable. I decide we need to get out of here. Maybe he knew Stef reported it and I am the reason his family can't foster. I am still staring at him. He terrifies me but for some reason I can't look away. Lena hits my hand and says, "Callie, don't stare." But I barely hear it because of the evil look I am now receiving from Liam. I scoot closer to Lena and stare straight ahead hoping in this situation that I truly am insane and that Liam is just a hallucination.