We finally made it into the bathroom and I had not looked over to Liam again. I have already put Stef and Lena through so much and tomorrow I am getting adopted. I don't want to ruin the mood. Today is supposed to be a fun time with my family and I am not going to let Liam alter that. As long as I am with Stef or Lena at all times he won't dare come near me. Right? I also need to keep my eyes on Jude at all times. Who knows what he would do if he saw him.
When we finish in the bathroom I grab Lena's hand and we walk out. I glance around and sigh in relief when I see no sign of Liam. I feel like a five-year-old holding Lena's hand, but she doesn't seem to mind. She must think I need extra comfort from the previous day's events. I make her pick up the pace a little bit and I see her look at me curiously from the corner of my eye. I just want to have my eyes on Jude. I know Stef will take care of him but seeing him safe will give me a peace of mind.
"Hello lovelies," Stef says, smiling from her chair under the umbrella. I don't respond and scan the water for Jude. He is in between Jesus and Brandon on a surfboard. I smile at the sight of his older brothers teaching him things that I can't. The sight really melts my heart.
"Are we alright?" Stef asks softly. Looking between Lena and I. I snap out of my trance and offer a small smile while nodding. "Glad to see it." She smiles back. I sit down on my towel and look over to Mariana reading. I muster up some bravery and take my towel and move it to the other side of Mariana in the sun. Maybe the sunshine will do me some good. I don't like being far away from Stef but I am debating telling Mariana I saw Liam.
I quickly change my mind. First of all she doesn't even know what happened so she wouldn't understand the big deal, but she would sense my worry. I know she would probably tell moms too because even though she doesn't know exactly what happened she knows I wasn't in any good foster homes so anyone from a past home would be troublesome.
I lay down next to her. I am thankful she is faced toward the ocean on her stomach so I can still talk to her while watching Jude.
"What are you reading?" I ask her.
"Breaking Dawn. It's so good. I can't put it down." She looks back to the book. So much for talking to her. I sigh and rest my head in my hands. I can't help but wonder where Liam is. Will he try and get to me? To Jude? My gut tells me to let Stef know but I don't want to put a damper on the day.
I stare at the ocean wishing that I could be in the water but my cuts sting too much. I feel my eyelids start to grow heavy. I fight for a while trying to keep them open, but convince myself it won't hurt to rest for a little bit as long as Stef and Lena are watching Jude which I know they will be. Especially since he is in the water.
I open my eyes at the sound of a scream. I shoot up to my feet immediately searching for Jude. I know that was his scream, I would know it anywhere. I see Jesus and Brandon in the water but no sign of Jude.
"Where's Jude?!" I yell frantically getting ready to go search for him.
"Callie!" Stef yells, "Honey he just fell off the board and screamed, he is fine. Look." I follow her outstretched arm as she points to Jude who is getting up from the water. I instantly feel relieved and try to pretend I am fine and like I didn't just freak out by Jude's scream.
"Love what is going on? You are confusing us today." Stef asks, giving me a confused look as she looks like she is about to stand up.
"I'm fine, sorry. I am trained to wake up to any noise made from Jude. Especially a scream. It was one of the ways I protected him in foster homes. Sorry. It is an instinct." I sit down on my towel so Stef doesn't come over to me and press for more questions. It wasn't a lie. I have learned to wake up when I hear Jude's voice instantly. Anytime I hear Jude scream I get worried but today is different. I immediately thought Liam had gotten ahold of him. I don't think I have ever been this scared.
"Want to go for a walk, baby?" Lena asks me. I know she is giving me the opportunity to talk if I want to. I look up to her, about to deny her request and see the hope in her eyes. I know she just wants to spend time with me. I can't deny her.
"Will you watch Jude?" I ask Stef.
"Of course I will Callie because he is my son. I will always watch him and you don't have to worry about that. It is my job."
"Okay. Just watch him even closer than normal because," I pause trying to think of an excuse, "sometimes the beach upsets him because we used to come here with our Mom. Just don't let him go anywhere alone, ok?" Stef get's sorrow in her eyes and I feel guilty for lying. We did go to the beach with our Mom before so technically it wasn't a complete lie.
"I will love. Stop worrying. You are my kids so go be a kid and talk a walk with your Mama." She replies.
"Sure, let's go but I don't want to go so far I can't see Jude anymore." I say looking at Lena.
We make our way closer to the ocean so that we are in the water just above our ankles. I don't say anything because I am not sure what to say. I am sure she wants to know what is going on but how do I tell her I think I just saw Liam? What if I really didn't I mean it is probably normal to feel so vulnerable after opening up to someone like that. It could be my imagination playing tricks on me. When my mom died I thought I saw her in public places for months. It would hurt and confuse me but my mind kept playing tricks on me because she was in my thoughts so much. Ever since I told moms about Liam he has been on my mind constantly. It could be the same thing. Does this make me crazy?
"Are you okay, honey?" Lena looks at me. We are walking extremely slow but neither of us seem to mind. Our bodies are still so exhausted.
"I think so, I am sorry I am just extra jumpy. I have never told anyone about uhm.." I couldn't say his name out loud. For some reason I felt like if I said his name he would show up. " you know, so I think I am just not sure how to deal with it." I don't want to lie to Stef and Lena. I actually want to tell them everything, but I just can't. I will try to tell them how I feel without actually bringing up the fact that I think I saw him.
"You know that's normal, right?" Lena says softly. "Reliving your emotions when you talk about a traumatic event. Especially for the first time. It can make you feel like you are back in that spot. That's why it is so important for you to come to us. We can help you, baby. Don't shut us out."
"You know I don't want to shut you out right?" Lena looks at me to continue, I think she really wants to hear this so she doesn't say anything afraid I will clam up. I stop walking and grab her hand. I move a little further up and we sit down on the soft dry sand. "I battle thoughts every second that tell me not to trust you both. That this is all just some dream and I will wake up back in hell. I am getting soft because of the love you guys are showing me. It's a good thing and a scary thing. The fact that you are adopting Jude and I tomorrow helps. It really does, but even if we are legally yours what if something happens. I know I have said this before, but I can't lose another mom, Lena." Oh shoot, I just called her Lena, I hope she didn't think anything of it. I knew the transition of calling them Mom and Mama would be uncomfortable and awkward. I just have to keep going. "I wouldn't be able to survive that. I just want to let you guys hold me, protect me, and tell you everything, but I am so scared. Not even just losing you, just that you guys will think I am not who you thought I was. Sure everything I did was to protect Jude and I would do it again if I had to, but I still did things I shouldn't have. I am ashamed of them, but I felt like I had no choice and had to for our survival. I also am afraid to talk because I really don't want to feel the emotions of the abusive foster homes I lived through. At the same time, I want to trust you and give you both that part of me. Give you all of my love and stories, be vulnerable and let you see everything I went through. I feel safe with you guys I really do, but it is going to take time. I hope you know I am not a lost cause because even though it will be a rocky road, stressful, painful, and scary, in the back of my mind I know your love will get me through it. I always feel that even if I can't verbalize it. Granted I am pretty calm in this exact moment so my actions and feelings may not always agree with what I just said, but it is still there in my heart and it is what pushes me through."
I can see tears forming in Lena's eyes. "You are so wise, baby. So mature. I hate that you had to grow up so fast in some areas, but you are absolutely remarkable. I hope you know that. We know that it is not just an overnight fix and we will be with you through every single step. About your past, when you are ready to share we are here. I know you are afraid we will judge you baby, but we won't. I promise. We all have stuff that we are ashamed of and wish we hadn't done. Myself included. I probably didn't even have as good a reason as you. Let's work through the problem at hand and when you are ready we will address other parts of your past that you wish. We are here for you and absolutely nothing can change that." Lena's eyes kill me. So full of love. I get right next to her and wrap my arms around her. I immediately feel her wrap her arms around me tightly. Almost like she wants to shelter me from the world. I'm not complaining.
"I love you Mama." I whisper. I can't help but sob in her arms. All of the fear and memories brought back up from the sight of Liam has caused me to get extremely emotional. I let her rock me back and forth as she whispers how much she loves me in my ear. Right here I am safe and content.
Stef's Point of View:
I look over and see Callie in Lena's arms. She is shaking and I know she is crying. It kills me that I am not over there, but I know they need this time. I also need to watch the kids that are swimming. What has gotten Callie so upset? She is abnormally clingy and jumpy. Maybe her emotions are just getting the better of her but something still seems very off.
I look over to the boys and smile. They all have huge grins and are so content. Jude is really starting to learn how to balance on the surfboard. I look at Mariana who is reading intensely. I tried to engage in conversation with her earlier but I just got mumbles. I'll let her be. I look back to the boys who are headed towards me.
"Mom, we are so hungry!" Jesus exclaims. I chuckle at him. He is ALWAYS hungry.
"It's true," Jude says, "Swimming makes you hungry. Holy cow." I laugh again.
"Alright babies. We can eat the lunch that was packed it's lunch time anyways. There are drinks, fruit, and sandwiches in the cooler and I even convinced Mama to let us bring chips and cookies. Those are in the bag."
"Cookies?" Mariana asks, sitting up and setting down her book.
"We'll look who it is. Welcome back to reality, Miss Thing." I get a playful eye roll as she sits up to get food. I watch as they all get something to eat and find spots on their towels and blankets. It is quiet because they are all satisfied with their food. I hadn't even seen Callie and Lena head back.
I look up at Callie and you can tell she has been crying by her bloodshot eyes. She looks at me like she wants to be with me. I am about to tell her to come sit by me when she walks over and sits on my lap. This surprises me, but I love it. I can't help but smile hugely. She leans back into me as far as she can and I can feel her begin to shake a little bit. I tighten my grip around her and kiss her temple.
"I love you, my baby." I whisper to Callie.
"I love you too." She turns her body sideways and puts her face into my neck. I feel her warm tears and it breaks my heart. Her arms are wrapped tightly around my neck and she is trying to hide herself into me as close as possible. She is so vulnerable right now, but I love that she wants my comfort. I rock her back and forth hoping to calm her down. The shaking has subsided but I can still feel her tears.
"Callie?" Jude had walked over and placed a hand on her back waiting for her to look at him. I feel Callie shake her head no and she doesn't face Jude. I know Callie must feel so ashamed that she is breaking down and her brother is seeing her so weak. She has done everything to keep him out of danger and to make him feel safe. I know having Jude see her so upset would be devastating.
Callie's Point of View:
I can't look at Jude. He can't see me so broken. He knows too much and I don't think I can handle looking him in the eyes right now. I was hoping Stef would send him along when I shook my head in her neck. I am still cradled in her safe warm embrace. I never want to leave. Although I can't believe I am sitting on her lap. Like usual I don't even care if it is embarrassing. I need her. I need her so much.
"Callie?" Jude tries again. I feel like a jerk for ignoring him, but I do not have the strength to be brave for him. I can't look like I am okay because I am so far from it. I am terrified. Terrified of Liam. I need to tell Stef, I need to tell her now.
"Jude baby she will be okay. Go finish your lunch." Lena had moved over to Jude and gently guided him away from us. I tighten my grip on Stef, if that is even possible, and feel her try and pull me closer into her. I stay there on her lap as we wait for everyone to finish eating.
"Mama come in the water with us!" Jesus asks excitedly.
"I don't know Bud, I have a love hate relationship with swimming in the ocean." Lena says teasingly.
"Mama, I will go if you go." I hear Mariana say. Lena must have liked the idea of Mari getting her nose out of her book to spend time with the family because she agrees. I hear Jude shout in excitement at the thought of Lena swimming with him. If I weren't in so much pain I would be smiling. I hear everyone's voices slowly fade away and it is just Stef and me left.
"Callie my love, what is going on baby?" Stef says gently rocking me back and forth and kissing right below my ear.
"Mommy?" I whisper. She is my mom. Stef and Lena are my Mothers and I want to let them be.
"Yes bug?" She whispers back.
"I think I saw Liam." I immediately feel Stef tense and regret the decision to tell her. I feel Stef grab my face and I try extremely hard to stay in the comfort of her neck. I know I am losing though and I lock eyes with Stef.
"Callie, when did you see him?" Her eyes have darkened. They look like they are on fire. If I didn't know Stef I would be extremely scared right now. But the way she is looking so intensely into my eyes makes me need to fix it. I need to do something.
"This morning when we first got here and at the bathrooms. But-"
"You saw him twice and didn't say anything. Did he see you too?!" Stef raised her voice and it causes me to jump off her lap. Stef's face softens as she realizes she scared me.
"I don't know."
"I am sorry Love, I am just scared at the thought of him being anywhere near you. I just love you so much and could never forgive myself is something happened now that you are in my care and my daughter. I am sorry you had to see him baby that must have been hard for you. I won't let him near you. " Stef stands up too and cautiously walks over to me. She sits us both down on the sand. She is about to talk but I stop her.
"You are going to think I am crazy." Stef's face looks confused.
"Why would I think you were crazy?"
"When my Mom died I saw her everywhere and it was so confusing. People at the store, the beach, my teachers, anyone looked like her. I couldn't even look at people's faces for a few weeks after she died because I couldn't stop thinking about her. I am a lunatic Stef. Get rid of me now while you can because I see things. I don't even know if I really saw Liam." I am starting to get worked up. My breathing is all jumbled. "It scared me, so bad. I didn't want to leave your side. I still don't. Thinking I saw his face so clearly brought me back to the past. I feel so lost, scared, worthless, and I don't know what to do. But what if he was here and he saw me too? What if he tries to find me again now that he has really seen me. What if it is just my mind. I don't know. Lena said that you can feel the same way you did in a traumatic event when you talk about it the first time. What if that's happening. Maybe I am just so scared and confused after talking about it that I think he was there but he really wasn't. I don't know what to do Stef!" I calmed down after I realized all of the people around us are staring because I shouted that last sentence.
"Okay Callie, calm down." Stef whispered. She looked around and everyone slowly looked away. I watch Stef walk half way towards the water. "LENA!" Stef yells out to hear as quiet as possible. She probably doesn't want to have everyone staring at us again. I look over to Lena who quickly looks over at her and starts running up the beach. Stef starts walking back once Lena was on her way. They both get to me at the same time.
"What's wrong?" Lena asks worriedly.
"Callie thinks she saw Liam." Stef says cautiously. I watch Lena's eyes grow with fear.
"What? When and where?" She starts looking around which kind of amuses me because she doesn't even know what he looks like.
"Today, right when we got here and then earlier when you went to the bathroom with her."
"You mean the guy you kept staring at? Callie is that what you were trying to tell me? Baby I am so sorry, why didn't you make me realize what was happening?" I bite my lip as I try to keep myself from getting emotional.
"I didn't want to upset anyone or make a big deal out of it. I mean what are the chances I actually saw him the day after I tell you about him. I am probably just going crazy."
"You are not going crazy honey why would you think that?"
"Callie told me that after her Mom died she started seeing her everywhere because she was on her mind all the time. Now she isn't sure if she truly saw Liam or not." Stef explains.
"See, I am crazy." I look to Lena trying not to let my lip tremble.
"Baby you are not crazy, you were hurting. You lost your Mom and you were so young. It was traumatic. So was what happened with Liam. All of your feelings regarding that situation were re-experienced yesterday. It is okay to be emotional." Lena tries to make me feel better but it isn't working.
"What do we do?" Stef says looking to Lena.
"I think we should go home." Lena says confidently.
"NO!" I shout. "Sorry, this is why I didn't want to say anything, it is nothing! Please, I shouldn't have said anything."
"No Callie you should have said something the second you thought you saw him. You need to be honest with us. No more secrets Callie. Keeping things from us will do you more harm than good. Only I think you know that. I am proud of you for telling me though sweets. I know that must have been hard to do." Stef says with a small smile.
"Can we please stay? Jude told me that this was the best day of his life. He deserves this day. He never got to do this kind of fun stuff and if I didn't really see him it will have all been for nothing." I look at them with pleading eyes. I get the biggest puppy dog eyes I can muster up and look at Stef. I know it is mean to take advantage of her, but out of all her kids I can get what I want from her the easiest. I just can't go back to being grounded in that house. After being grounded for three weeks, the cutting, and actually admitting I think about suicide I know I won't have any alone time for a long time. It feels so good to be out here.
I watch Stef and Lena as they are looking at each other. Lena gives Stef a barely visible nod and I smile because I know I have gotten my way. I quickly hide it when they look my way.
"We will stay as planned. If you think you see him again you ARE to tell me. Understood?"
I nod.
"NO Callie, do you understand?"
"Yes I do. I promise."
"We can't mess around with this. You HAVE to tell us. I am also going to go to the station tonight and get a picture of him. Lena and I need to know what he looks like. I know that you probably don't like that idea but we need to be able to protect you. Their fostering license got removed, but we don't have enough evidence to make a strong enough case against him. I may be able to get a restraining order on him just from your admission though."
"No, please, I will tell you if I see him, you can get the picture, I just don't want to think about him." I beg.
"You are to be by one of us at all times, yes?" Stef says eyeing me sternly.
"Yes and Mama?" I say looking towards Lena. She smiles at the name?
"Baby?" She says.
"I am sorry I didn't want to go with you. I feel safe with you it is just Stef is a cop and logically in my mind if we were to run into Liam and he tried to get to me she could arrest him. It is not that I don't feel safe with you or that I didn't want to go with you. I love you both the same and very much. I am sorry." I go over to her and give her a hug.
As I pull back she looks me in the eyes and says, "It is alright sweetheart. I understand. Mom makes people feel really safe. I understand now. Don't apologize. I love you."
"I love you too." I smile and look to Stef not sure what to do.
"Lena love, why don't you go back and swim? I want Jude and Callie with one of us at all times. We will finish the day here. Go have fun with our other babies."