Chapter 4: Things I'll Never Say
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the related characters. The Harry Potter series is created by J.K. Rowling and owned by Warner Bros. Pictures. All rights of Harry Potter belong to Warner Bros. Pictures. This entire story is a work of fanfiction and is meant for entertainment purposes only. I am not making a profit from this story.
Notes: This chapter is inspired by the song "Things I'll Never Say" by Avril Lavigne.
Autumn 1996 (Continued)
After we were dismissed from Potions class, Sue and I made the long climb up to Ravenclaw Tower. This was definitely one of the things I wouldn't miss about Hogwarts when I graduated. The riddle that awaited us when we reached the top was also a mixed bag, but Sue and I usually didn't have any issues when we put our heads together.
I leaned forward to tap the door with the bronze eagle knocker.
"If you have me, you want to share me. If you share me, you haven't got me. What am I?" it rumbled. I groaned in dismay.
"A secret," Sue promptly answered and the door swung open. She skipped inside the common room and I reluctantly dragged my feet behind her.
"It's a pity Malfoy doesn't feel the same way about Parkinson. That was a good save on his part though. I was mildly impressed by his quick thinking despite the pull of the potion," Sue matter-of-factly stated, dumping her book bag onto one of the blue armchairs.
"What do you mean? He smelled rosewood and Pansy confirmed she wears that perfume everyday," I asked in confusion, grateful that she had seemingly forgotten about my promise to explain things after class.
"Or so he says… Do you remember the first two scents? The Hogwarts library and spearmint toothpaste. I doubt Pansy has ever stepped foot in the library, except perhaps to cram for her O.W.L.s. But we do know someone who does spend a lot of time there. Her parents also happen to be muggle dentists. This would definitely explain his efforts to impress her in class all the time," Sue smirked.
"Hermione?" I gasped in disbelief after a pregnant pause and she coyly nodded. Well, that would explain his odd behaviour when he saw her at the Yule Ball. I couldn't believe that an arrogant, blood supremacist actually had romantic feelings for a muggleborn witch, especially a social activist like Hermione, who even founded S.P.E.W. to fight for the rights of house elves which his family employed. If I thought my love life was complicated, I couldn't imagine what theirs would look like if she ever returned his feelings.
"Sooo, what's his name? How did you meet? Is he fit?" Sue suddenly asked in a singsong voice. Bollocks. I suppose she hadn't forgotten after all. I placed my satchel beside her and tried to look everywhere else except into her inquisitive dark eyes.
The Ravenclaw common room was my favourite study space. The high domes of the circular room gave it an airy appeal and the blue and bronze decor made it feel like home. I had a breathtaking view of the surrounding mountains whenever I decided to take a break and the tall bookcases provided me with the reference material I needed for most of my papers without Madam Pince breathing down the back of my neck.
Unsurprisingly, the room was deserted at the moment. It was the end of the first day of school, so the first years were off exploring the campus and the older students were likely catching up in the corridors.
I sighed. Sue was my best friend. After being sorted into the same house, we instantly bonded over our shared frustration of having overbearing parents with high academic expectations. Neither one of us was allowed to date until we finished our education, but that didn't stop Sue from pursuing a clandestine affair with Normande. They danced together at the Yule Ball and the rest was history. She finally came clean to her parents a few months ago, but I was the first person she told about him and I'd never betrayed her confidence. Deep down, I knew I could expect the same of her.
"His name is Dev Kapoor. He's Vijay's Gryffindor friend. A travelling curse-breaker by profession. I've known him for almost my entire life, but we didn't really talk much until Sarika's engagement party this summer. He's very sweet, intelligent and he makes me laugh. Ridiculously attractive too. I think he'd be more popular with girls if he wasn't short, but I don't care. I'm not tall myself, so height doesn't matter to me. I just want someone I can be myself with. I enjoy his company," I admitted, feeling lighter than I had in weeks.
Sue remained silent for a few moments to process this information. "I'm so happy for you Pads. I've always believed that there's someone out there for everyone. Does anyone else know?" she finally asked. I shook my head in response and felt relieved at her genuine optimism.
"Since he's one of Vijay's friends, I suppose he's a lot older than us. That's why you haven't said anything yet, right? You're also still not allowed to date. Don't worry though, age is just a number," she said reassuringly.
"Yeah and Azkaban is just a place," I sarcastically grumbled, crossing my arms.
"Honestly Padma, you're so paranoid! As long as you're careful not to make your feelings too obvious right now, it will be perfectly fine in the eyes of your family and the law in a couple of years. Legal age in the wizarding community is seventeen and we finish school at eighteen," she reminded me.
"I'm unsure what my family will think of it. My parents are very overprotective and Sarika is unbearably opinionated," I explained.
"Ugh, who cares what Sarika thinks? It seems your entire family is ruled by her every whim. From what you've told me, she sounds like a total nightmare. I can't imagine what she's going to make you and Parvati do to attain her dream wedding next year!" Sue cried in exasperation.
"I just don't want to hurt anyone. I wish for all my family and friends to be happy," I said plainly.
"If they were really your family and friends, they'd want YOU to be happy. You can't please everyone Padma. Someday you'll learn that in order to be truly happy, you need to do what's right for you. It won't happen overnight. It took some time for me too. But when I decided to turn over a new leaf, I finally felt free," Sue said pointedly with her hands on her hips.
I grimaced. I couldn't see myself doing what she did. I definitely don't think I'm ready to take that step yet, if ever.
She did have a point though. From letting Sarika tell me how to dress at family gatherings to getting cajoled into going with Ron to the Yule Ball, I've always had a hard time saying no to people. The latter was pretty disastrous in the long run. I have a feeling Ron was on the rebound after being publicly rejected by Fleur Delacour. I hadn't really felt comfortable accepting his offer at the time. But upon seeing Ron's desperation and Parvati's excitement at getting asked by Harry when she thought she'd have to third-wheel Lavender and Seamus, I hesitantly said yes. In hindsight, I'm surprised our parents even agreed to us having dates. I guess being 'The Chosen One' and 'Best Friend of the Chosen One' really does have its perks.
Despite my best efforts to please Parvati and Ron, the whole event almost ended in misery for us both. Harry and Ron were too busy staring at Cho Chang and Hermione to extend any courtesy to us for most of the evening. Ron hadn't even bothered to wear decent dress robes! I was well aware of his family's financial struggles, but Fred and George still looked pretty well put-together. I felt so relieved when a couple of Normande's Beauxbatons friends asked us to dance later that night.
I now felt a bit bad about telling Sue before Parvati. But Sue was inarguably a safer choice to share my secret with. She didn't know Dev at all. What if Parvati accidentally let it slip? I didn't want to take that chance.
Besides, since starting school at Hogwarts, Parvati had grown a lot closer to Lavender. She even had sleepovers at our house during the summer breaks. I would offer her my bottom bunk and go to sleep on the living room sofa. I didn't talk much to Lav. Her constant giggling grated on my nerves. I tried to steer clear of her this past summer and had succeeded for the most part, until the morning she was supposed to leave. Parvati was in the loo, so Lav took the opportunity to ask me if I had any romantic interest in Ron since I had gone to the Yule Ball with him. When I clarified that we attended the event as friends only, she visibly relaxed and cheerfully said goodbye before departing. What an odd girl. I hope no one else thought I liked Ron. Honestly, we didn't even end up dancing together at all!
"Come on, let's organise our introductory notes together and skim through our upcoming lessons for the year before dinner," Sue gently suggested with a smile to break the silence that had descended upon the room after her lecture.
I nodded in agreement, shifting my attention to my N.E.W.T.-level coursework. Boy talk could wait…for now.
Notes: I wanted Padma to have a best friend too, like Parvati and Lavender, so I decided to make Sue Li her close friend. Canonically they're both Ravenclaws, like how Parvati and Lavender are Gryffindors, so it worked! :)