"Hi honey, want to go on a little trip?" I look up from my bed and see him standing there next to me. He is whispering. I have only seen him a few times, but I know Mommy and Mama are his friends. I just look at him and shrug.
"I want my Mommy." I whisper, feeling a little unsure.
"It's okay sweetheart, she is coming too. She said it was okay to meet her there." I watch as he packs some stuff up from my closet, being very quiet.
"What about Mama and Brandon?"
"They are coming too. It will be a fun surprise."
"I don't know Mommy said not to go places without her, maybe we should go get her first."
"I promise Mommy said it was okay, alright?
"Okay, but I want to see her before we leave and isn't it still bedtime?" I asked confused.
I shoot out of bed panting and sweat is starting to form on my forehead. I wipe it with the back of my hand. I look around and realize I am in my room with Mariana. I am not actually five, I am thirteen. I start feeling scared, was that when I got taken? Was that the man who took me, who was that? I start crying and feeling panicked. Before I know it I walk into Stef and Lena's room quickly and go to Stef's side.
"Mommy." I say pushing her gently.
"Hmm, sweets, what is it?" She is trying to get up and I can tell she is disoriented. She opens her eyes and seems shocked it is me standing in front of her.
"Ella baby, are you okay?" I just start crying and fly into her arms.
"I'm scared Mommy," I say in between crying.
"Come here honey, it's okay, I got you," Stef must have realized I had a bad dream because she tucks me into her chest and covers us in blankets. She is rubbing my back as I cling onto her for dear life.
"Mommy has got you baby girl, it is going to be okay. You are safe here with me. I love you Ella." She says and I quickly fall back asleep.
…..
I wake up and open my eyes. I feel someone next to me. I have my arms wrapped around them extremely tight. I start to pull away quickly, not fully awake yet, freaked out that I am in bed with someone.
"Wow, baby it's okay. It's just Mommy." Mommy?
It's Stef, oh my gosh I forgot I came in here last night. I didn't even fully realize I had done that. I was so scared I just did. I called her Mommy too. Oh god, I am embarrassed. We are both sitting up and she turns my face to look at her.
"Honey, don't be embarrassed, it's okay. I am glad you came in here last night. I love you. Did you have a bad dream?" I nod as it comes back to me. My eyes water.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks kindly. Do I? Yes and no. I am scared to open up the can of worms about who took me. I know they have questions. Until last night I had no idea. Now I can't get this man's face out of my head.
"No," I whisper, "but I think I dreamt of the man who took me." I say. Stef looks at me shocked.
"You saw his face?" She asks.
"I think so and now I can't get it out. He asked me to go on a trip with him. I told him I needed to ask my mommy first and he responded that you said I could go. I asked about everyone else and he said that you, Mama, and Brandon were meeting us there too. I told him I needed to speak to you first and he said okay. I got out of my bed and then that is when I woke up. I was feeling scared and extremely sad. I don't even think I thought about it, I just ran in here to you. I was in such a triggered and terrified state. Now whenever I close my eyes I see his face. He knew you guys, it wasn't the first time I saw him, Stef."
"I am so sorry honey, we will figure out who did this." She pulls me in tight. I can tell her mind is swimming and she is trying not to ask me tons of questions right away.
"I just want to stay with you today. I don't want to be away from you, I keep thinking he is trying to get me again. What if he finds out I am here and tries to get me to go away again. I don't want to leave you Mommy." I am in hysterics now. I feel like a five year old having a tantrum.
"Shhh, baby it's okay. No one is going to take you from me, I promise." Stef says pulling me into her as tight as she can. "Listen to me Ella, I will not let anyone take you away from me. I promise. That will not happen again."
"But you didn't think it would happen last time and it did, I don't want to leave you and Mama. I don't." I am full blown panicking and sobbing at this point.
…
We just had lunch and I haven't left Stef's side. It is slightly embarrassing. She doesn't seem to mind. I think she actually likes it. I feel bad because I have barely acknowledged anyone else. I keep staring off into space and repeating the dream over and over again in my head. Every second I calm down or relax, I feel like someone is plotting to kidnap me again. I feel like a scared five year old.
I was sitting in the breakfast nook as she was working on balancing her checkbook at the island. I almost sat next to her, but I felt stupid and forced myself to sit in the nook. I was trying to not be ridiculous.
"Honey, I need to go take a shower, I got called into work." Stef says, looking at me worriedly.
"What?" I start panicking a little. "Why do you have to go in?"
"I am sorry sweets, I tried to get out of it, but there were three call offs and my Captain didn't leave me a choice."
"No please, you can't leave me. What if something happens? What if he comes back? No Mom, please don't go." I begged her.
Stef's POV:
My heart is breaking. She is calling me Mom and begging me to stay with her. How am I supposed to say no? I need Lena's help. My captain basically told me if I want to keep my job I need to go in because they don't have enough people working today. She normally never does that and is very understanding, so I know it must be serious.
"Sweet's, Mama is here, it will be okay. You aren't alone." I say walking and sitting next to her. I try to put my hand on her shoulder, but she shrugs me off.
"Please, please don't go. Why are you leaving me again?! You said you wouldn't. I need you Mom." She is sobbing now and I feel so helpless.
"LENA?" I shout. I hope she can hear me. I wait a second and she appears in the kitchen. When she sees Ella crying she comes over and sits next to us.
"Honey, Mama will be here with you, you can stay with her, it will be okay." I say looking at Lena.
"Yes sweetheart, you can spend the day with me, it will be okay." Lena tries to console her but she moves away from her too. She stands up and looks at me. She has pure anger flowing through her body. I can see it. She is shaking.
"NO, you said you wouldn't leave me and now you are. You lied and failed AGAIN. I don't want either of you. Just GO. I shouldn't have told you about my dream or felt safe enough to stay with you. I could get kidnapped again for all I care. If this is how you are anyways!" I just look at her speechless as she starts moving towards me. Is she going to hit me? I stand up and put my hands up.
"Ella, I need you to calm down." I say softly.
"My name is Gabriella Stef. I don't want your name. You promised you wouldn't leave me and now you are. I want nothing to do with you."
"Honey, mom isn't-"
"Stef, her name is Stef. I was stupid to think you could be my moms. I shouldn't have let you in. Just leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you." She storms away. I hear her bedroom door slam and I jump at how loud it is.
"Wow. This isn't just about the dream Stef or you leaving. That was pure rage. She has so much hurt and anger towards us. I understand why. I just hope we can work through all this. I am scared."
"Me too." I say, trying not to cry.
"Lena, I can't leave you alone with her like this."
"Stef, you need to go, your boss basically said you don't have a choice. We need you to keep your job. I will be okay. If something intense happens I will call you, but she may just stay in her room angry."
"Well, please make sure she is actually in there. I am pretty sure she went out the window the other day." I add. Lena looks at me and says, "I guess that isn't too surprising considering how she used to get out of that abandoned house. Great, maybe I should make her stay with me."
"I don't know Lena, she looked like she wanted to hit me. We may want to leave her alone until she has time to calm down."
"I don't think she would hit me, Stef, but I am her mom too, I can deal with it." I sigh. Of course she can.
"Of course you can honey, that's not what I meant. I wouldn't want either of us to have to deal with this alone. Ella is severely traumatized, as you know, so I just worry about her reactions. She has so much anger and resentment. This is going to be a battle."
"Speaking of battle, I got her a therapy appointment for after school tomorrow. Let's hope she goes. She needs it. The therapist will make a treatment plan for her."
Lena's POV:
Stef left about three hours ago and so far we haven't had any major problems. She tried to say goodbye to Ella, but she just completely ignored her. I am worried. We need help, desperately. I know some things on my own and know we will get through it, but I am so glad I was able to get Ella a therapy appointment quickly. That doesn't usually happen. I know this is going to be a long road ahead, but Stef and I are prepared to do whatever we need to for our daughter.
The kids are amazing and are very helpful. Earlier Mariana let Ella paint her nails, which seemed to distract her from being angry and scared. She barely spoke though, according to Mariana. Right now Jesus and Ella are in the backyard practicing skateboarding tricks in the grass. I don't know what it is about their relationship, but it is sweet. They seem to connect through their hobbies and provide a sense of comfort and support to each other. Jesus just went into Ella's room and told her to get outside and to snap out of it. I almost scolded him for being insensitive, but she actually smirked and listened. Thank you Jesus.
I have been researching different topics trying to find information on how to help someone who has gone through some of the things Ella has. It has opened my eyes a little to her perspective. Some of it I knew or considered common sense, but some of it has been information I haven't thought of or different treatment options I wanted to talk to her therapist about. I printed some of the information off for Stef to review as well.
About thirty minutes later Ella and Jesus walk in. Jesus goes upstairs and Ella grabs a glass of water. She is about to walk upstairs when I stop her.
"Ella honey, I was going to start dinner, do you have any requests?" She just looks at me. Well, maybe she isn't going to talk to me either.
"What are you hungry for?" I try again. She shrugs. "Do you need a snack?" Head shake. "Do you want to help me cook?" Another head shake. "Will you help me?"
She pauses. I can tell she is debating if she should engage with me.
"Do you actually need help or are you just trying to watch me? Or get me to open up?" This surprises me. The one thing I do enjoy about Ella is even if she can be slightly rude, you always know what she is thinking.
"Well, if I am honest. I do want to make sure you are okay. I am your mother and I love you and want to be here for you how I can. I want to keep you close so I can support you if you need it, but I know you are upset with us. No matter how angry you get or whatever happens between us all, your Mom and I will always love you and do whatever we can to support you. However, we don't have to talk. I would enjoy your company even if it is silent. It would also be nice having extra hands with dinner, but that is just a bonus. I can do it alone if you really don't want to stay. The choice is yours." I have learned when my kids are upset they get a lot of value in being able to make choices. I try to give them that when I can so they don't feel so powerless all the time.
She just looks at me and whispers, "okay." I can't help the giant smile that comes across my face. I know she wants to be with us and work through it. I know she is so hot and cold because she can't manage her emotions. It's not fully her fault. She still can't be disrespectful towards us, we can't let that slide, but I will give her grace sometimes as I know she is struggling and can't always control how she responds. She has never had the tools or support. No one has ever taught her. That is where Stef and I come in. We will teach her and be alongside her so she gets what she needs.
"Would you chop some onions and peppers for me? I think we are going to do fajitas. Does that sound okay?" Gabriella nods. I smile and show her how to do one. She keeps going and then I take the chicken out and start cutting it into strips. I finish the chicken and wash my hands. Just as I was reaching for the spices, to season the chicken I hear a tiny soft voice.
"Mama." My heart races. Did she call me Mama again? I turn around and Gabriella is looking at me. She got rather close to me so she is only about a foot away. Her eyes are very glossy and I know tears are going to fall any second. I take my hand and rub her arm. Every time she calls me Mama my heart just melts. I never thought I would hear my daughter call me Mama ever again, so far I have twice.
"What is it honey?" I say softly.
"I am sorry I am crazy. I don't mean it. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't control myself. I go from holding on so tight to you to just being so angry and full of rage that I say mean and hurtful things that I don't mean. I am so sorry. Please don't give up on me."
"Oh sweetheart, we would never give up on you. You are our daughter, we are in it for the long haul. I know you don't mean it. I know you don't want to hurt us deep down. You are just reacting. While it isn't okay to treat anyone badly, Mommy and I don't blame you. We understand you are struggling. We forgive you baby, it's okay." I wrap her up tightly and she just melts into me.
We hug for a little while and then continue making dinner. She finally starts talking to me.
"One of my foster moms used to have me help her cook." Ella mentioned nonchalantly.
"Yeah?"
"Mhmm." I just leave it at that. I want to ask questions, but she is so hot and cold I never know if she will respond well to what I ask.
"She wasn't bad. She would be nice most of the time."
"Most of the time?"
"Yeah, as long as I did well and got straight A's or did all my chores perfectly. If I messed up on something she would say mean things or hit me. She only hit me three times though." I cringe. I can't help but feel responsible for all of that. I can't believe my child was in foster care being abused instead of at home safe with me and her mother. When I think of someone hurting her I get filled with rage. I have never experienced hatred, but I do hate Ella's kidnapper. I really do and it scares me at what length I would go to, to get justice for Ella. Stef and I should probably be in therapy as well. This is bringing up so many feelings for all of us.
"I am so sorry that happened sweetheart, that should have never happened."
"It's alright."
"Ella, it's not alright. It should have never happened and Mom and I are so very sorry that you went through that. We will do everything we can to make sure nothing like that ever happens again, okay baby?" A shrug. Well, at least she opened up a little. I want to ask her what happened specifically, but I restrain myself. I know I need to let her open up as she wants, it is better for her that way.
Stef walks in just as dinner is about ready to eat. She looks exhausted. She only had to go in for five hours thankfully.
"Hi honey," I say going over and kissing her lips. She hugs me and leans in a little more than normal. Like she needs me to hold her up. Something must have happened at work. Ella seems to sense something is wrong too.
"Hi Stef," she whispers. Stef looks at her and winks.
"I need to go shower," Stef's voice cracks. "I will come down in a little while. We watch Stef walk up the stairs.
"Is she okay?" Ella asks me. I don't know.
"I think she will be. Sometimes her job can be tough and she sees really hard things. I think she had one of those days." Ella is staring at the stairs like she wants to go after her.
We are all sitting at dinner and Stef is still upstairs. I need to go check on her, but Ella is struggling again. She hasn't taken one bite. I am about to say something to her and she just stands up and walks upstairs.
Ella's POV:
I am worried about Stef. I need to make sure she is okay. Her room is dark, but the door is cracked. I slowly push it open in case she is asleep. She is staring up at the ceiling. She looks over at me and smiles softly. I don't say anything I just crawl on the bed with her and snuggle into her. She instantly pulls me closer and my head goes on her chest. I even throw one of my legs over one of hers. I just want to be as close to her as possible.
"I love you Mommy." I say, louder than normal. I don't know what happened, but Stef bursts into tears and holds me tighter. I just hold her back and let her cry in my arms.